Why and at what age do children begin to fear death?
In the first years of life, such a concept as “death” does not arouse the child’s interest. He perceives all surrounding objects as constant. But over time, the baby gains ideas about time, space and comes to the realization that any life has a beginning and an end. This discovery stuns the developing consciousness, and the child begins to worry very much about himself and his family, and a persistent fear appears.
Every child has this fear to a greater or lesser extent. The cause of a strong fear of death is often the loss of a parent or another very close person. In addition, children who are often ill, overly emotional and impressionable, as well as children who are brought up in a single-parent family, are often susceptible to such a phobia. As for gender differences, girls experience fear more often than boys.
Of course, there are children who are not afraid of death at all. Often the reason for this is that parents create an artificial world around the baby, protecting him from the slightest shocks. However, such children often grow up to be indifferent egoists who do not worry about anyone. At the same time, the absence of worries about death is observed in children of chronic alcoholics and is due to their low emotional sensitivity, instability of interests and feelings.
The fear of death is not a deviation, but, on the contrary, indicates the normal development of the child’s psyche. The baby will have to understand and experience this fear. If it is not processed, but is driven inside the consciousness, it torments the child for many years, combining with other phobias and interfering with full communication.
At the age of five, it becomes necessary for the baby to feel himself. The fear of losing this state transforms into the fear of death. This is why many children are afraid to fall asleep and have bad dreams. In sleep, the sense of self is lost, which is somewhat reminiscent of death. Tomorrow for a child turns out to be beyond the horizon of reality.
A little later (at about six years old), boys and girls sometimes dream of their own death - in a dream they are eaten by a lion or a crocodile, the notorious Baba Yaga wants to grab them and roast them in her oven.
The child’s psyche continues to develop, and thanatophobia (this is what psychology calls the fear of death) becomes more generalized: the child is afraid of being in a confined space, being buried alive, or contracting a fatal disease.
Often the fear of death entails the fear of falling asleep
If some guys are afraid to die themselves, to become “nothing”, they don’t understand why they were born into the world if they have to die anyway, then others, on the contrary, are afraid of the death of their loved ones, while considering themselves invulnerable. Such children may defiantly declare that they will never die. Such maximalism can manifest itself until adolescence.
In general, as for teenagers, many of them are prone to magical imagination. They invent symbols of death, mysterious signs, fatal coincidences for themselves, tell each other scary stories about vampires, ghosts, the Queen of Spades, the Black Hand, etc. Anxiety about death, as a rule, manifests itself in overly impressionable and emotional girls and boys.
Magical themes attract overly impressionable schoolchildren
However, given the pathological nature of such fear, it can negatively affect the development of the individual, undermine self-confidence, and here it is no longer possible to do without the intervention of a specialist.
Let us also note that the fear of death in childhood can be open (the child is afraid of death directly) or hidden (the child is afraid of sharp objects, fire, heights, choking on food, etc., which again can lead a person to death).
Why are parents afraid of talking about death?
Moms and dads want to give their child the best: a carefree childhood in which there are no fears, losses and death. They want to give him a magical world where Santa Claus brings gifts, the tooth fairy exchanges teeth for candy, where toys come to life at night, and a hamster and his beloved dog go to live on the rainbow. Or they just leave. To the forest, to the field, to another house, to another child...
Parents' imagination is limitless, but it does not solve the main problem. There is no more beloved Sharik, the child will not see him again, neither in a year, nor in ten years. He will not return. He no longer feels anything, does not ask for a bone, does not bark or whine.
My great-aunt did not go on a visit, did not move to live in Kamchatka. She's gone. Nowhere... Probably, even adults have tears welling up when reading these lines. What can we say about the child?
How can such words destroy a child’s world of fairy tales and dreams! The time will come, he will grow up and understand everything himself. And now the path believes in the best.
If a mother is afraid to even think about death, it will be difficult to talk about it with her child.
Behind the desire to take care of the child’s comfort and peace of mind lies parental anxiety - their own fear of death. Most likely, the parents were protected by their parents, who in turn received such experience from their mothers and fathers.
If a mother is afraid to even think about death, it will be difficult to talk about it with her child. And carefully and delicately.
What frightens adults most about this difficult issue is the unknown. No one knows for sure what will happen after we die. We can only fantasize and guess. There are no scientifically based theories or proven facts. No one has ever returned from there.
This fear is very well illustrated by the parable of a death row prisoner who was given the opportunity to choose. Either death or walking out the door. But the unknown is behind the door. The condemned man chose death. And behind the door is freedom. But no one chose it, because the unknown is worse than death.
The child is afraid of terrible concrete pictures that he himself drew in his imagination. And everyone has an idea about children's imagination. What can they come up with!
Therefore, with children it is especially important to specifically talk through all the fears, answer all the questions that the child asks, soften, and replace the scary picture with a more acceptable one for the child.
How to help your child cope with the fear of death
The fear of death, like any childhood phobia, passes or becomes dull over time. Of course, this happens if close people are sensitive to the child and are interested in his inner world. Parents should protect an overly impressionable child from attending funerals, but they should periodically remember deceased relatives so that the child understands that after death a person lives in the memory and hearts of loved ones.
It is unacceptable to use phrases like “If you don’t listen, mom will get sick and die!” Thus, the parents themselves provoke the child’s fear of death at the same time as a feeling of guilt.
A baby who is experiencing any fear needs to be shown increased affection, care and warmth, because in this way his nervous system sends a signal for help. A child's phobia should be treated extremely calmly so as not to intensify the child's experiences. The parent should pretend that he is not at all surprised by the baby’s fears.
To distract a child from unnecessary worries, it is necessary to diversify his life, filling it with new bright colors: once again visit the circus or theater, amusement park, etc., expand the child’s circle of acquaintances.
Many parents have their own minor fears (fear of airplanes, spiders, dogs, thunderstorms, etc.): for the benefit of the child, you need to try to overcome them. At the same time, it is a serious mistake on the part of parents to try to overprotect the baby and isolate him from the worries of the outside world.
Conversations with a child
When talking with your son or daughter on the topic of death, first of all, there is no need to dissemble or evade clear answers. At the same time, adults should choose their words very carefully. You should honestly tell your child that all people, without exception, will die someday, but this will happen only in old age; death is preceded by a long, happy life.
Talking about death is intended not only to explain to the child its natural nature, but also to teach him to appreciate life. The child must understand that a necessary condition for a long and happy life is a caring attitude towards himself and loved ones.
If one of the child’s relatives and friends has died, then you should inform him about this in an extremely careful manner. The best justification for death in this case would be old age or a rare disease (so that the baby does not think that this could happen to him or his parents at any time). There is no need to tell the baby that the person fell asleep and did not wake up: this will only lead to additional fears. Another mistake is to explain that the person left for a very long time and it is unknown when he will return. After all, in this case the child will wait and then blame those who lied to him.
It is unacceptable for parents to make fun of a child’s fear, much less blame the child for being afraid. The child may withdraw into himself and in the future will not tell adults anything at all.
Phrases like “Since dad and I are not afraid of death, then you should be brave too” mean nothing to the baby. There is no need to discuss in detail with your child or in his presence someone's death or illness.
It is useful to read literature with your child that explains to the child at an accessible level what death is, for example, the children's book by the Swedish writer P. Stalfelt “The Book of Death.”
Presentation of the book for children by the Swedish writer P. Stalfelt “The Book of Death”
Let us note that in believing families, children are less likely to experience the fear of death. After all, they believe that at the end of earthly life, the immortal soul goes to heaven (of course, if the person lived this life with dignity and did not commit bad deeds). At the same time, parents should under no circumstances frighten their son or daughter about hell, warning that he may end up there for disobedience and bad behavior.
Fairytale therapy method
An effective method for overcoming various kinds of fears is fairytale therapy. It is with the help of this unobtrusive form that children overcome their problems, doubts, become more independent and self-confident.
So, for example, in many fairy tales of G.-H. Andersen touches on the topic of death, and this phenomenon is explained at a level accessible to children. Parents should definitely read such works to their children.
At the end of the famous fairy tale “The Little Mermaid” the main character dies - but does not disappear without a trace, but turns into sea foam, that is, she continues to exist, but in a completely different, updated form.
The sun rose over the sea; its rays lovingly warmed the deathly cold sea foam, and the little mermaid did not feel death; she saw the clear sun and some transparent, wonderful creatures hovering above her in hundreds. She could see through them the white sails of the ship and the red clouds in the sky; their voice sounded like music, but so airy that no human ear could hear it, just as no human eye could see them. They did not have wings, and they flew through the air thanks to their own lightness and airiness. The little mermaid saw that she had the same body as theirs, and that she was becoming more and more separated from the sea foam.
- Who am I going to? - she asked, rising into the air, and her voice sounded like the same wondrous airy music that no earthly sounds can convey.
- To the daughters of the air! - the air creatures answered her. “The mermaid does not have an immortal soul, and she cannot acquire it except through the love of a person for her.” Its eternal existence depends on someone else's will. The daughters of the air also do not have an immortal soul, but they themselves can acquire it for themselves through good deeds. We fly to hot countries, where people die from the sultry, plague-ridden air, and bring coolness. We spread the scent of flowers in the air and bring healing and joy to people. After three hundred years, during which we do all the good we can, we receive an immortal soul as a reward and can take part in the eternal bliss of man. You, poor little mermaid, with all your heart strove for the same thing as us, you loved and suffered, rise with us to the transcendental world; Now you yourself can find an immortal soul!
G.-H. Andersen
Illustration for the ending of Andersen's fairy tale, which explains that death is not the end of existence
The theme of death, the immortal soul of man, is touched upon in another Andersen fairy tale - “Angel”. It says that when a child dies, God's angel descends from heaven and takes him in his arms. Together they fly around all the baby’s favorite places, and collect flowers along the way. They bloom in the sky, and God chooses the most beautiful flower and gives him a voice so that he can join the blissful choir. And the Lord gives the dead child wings, and he becomes another angel.
At that very moment they found themselves in heaven with God, where eternal joy and bliss reign. God pressed the dead child to his heart - and he grew wings, like other angels, and he flew hand in hand with them. God pressed all the flowers to his heart, but kissed only the poor, withered wildflower, and he added his voice to the choir of angels who surrounded God; some flew near him, others further away, others even further, and so on ad infinitum, but everyone was equally blissful. They all sang - both small and large, and a kind child who had just died, and a poor wildflower thrown onto the pavement along with rubbish and rubbish.
G.-H. Andersen
In the fairy tale “The Little Match Girl,” on New Year’s Eve, a poor little girl wanders along a cold, dark street. Barefoot, hungry and cold, the girl is afraid to return home - after all, her father will kill her for not selling a single match today. She sits down near a rich house and lights matches to keep warm. The baby sees stars in the sky, one of them suddenly begins to roll across the sky. The girl remembers the words of her late grandmother that a falling star means that someone's soul is going to God. Her beloved grandmother appears in front of the frozen child, and the girl asks her to take her with her.
And she hastily struck all the remaining matches that were in her hands - she so wanted to hold on to her grandmother. And the matches flared up with such a bright flame that it became lighter than during the day. Never before has grandma been so beautiful, so majestic! She took the girl in her arms, and they flew together in radiance and brilliance high, high, to where there is no cold, no hunger, no fear: to God!
G.-H. Andersen
“The Little Match Girl” is a short Christmas story by G.-H. Andersen
Modern therapeutic fairy tales, invented by experienced psychologists, can also help a child cope with the fear of death. For example, Irina Gavrilova’s work “Droplet” will explain to the child what the movement of life in nature is (the transition from one state to another). According to the plot of the fairy tale, one summer morning a drop of dew appeared on one flower. It shimmered beautifully, laughed and rang. But the sun warmed everyone more and more with its rays, the Droplet became smaller and, finally, disappeared completely. The flower was very upset: he thought that she had died. But in fact, the Droplet turned into steam (a small cloud) and rose to the sky. There were many such clouds, they pressed closely against each other, and as a result a large cloud appeared. It began to rain - the clouds turned into droplets again. On the ground, the droplets formed a stream; it ran along the ground for a long time until it flowed into the river. The heroine felt her importance in the common cause and was suitable for herself. Then the sun turned her into steam again, and she happily repeated the familiar path without any fear. One day, Droplet suddenly fell underground. There were many plant roots, one of them drank it, and the heroine ran along the stem, turning into juice. The droplet was proud that she had become a flower. When autumn came, the flower withered and the drop of water returned to the ground. Now she has already joined the underground stream and has traveled a lot underground. After some time, the heroine again found herself on the ground and turned into a cold snowflake. The snowflake became part of the icicle. In the spring, the Droplet melted and flowed into a stream that had thawed from the ice, and then into a river.
And the droplet joyfully tumbled in the stormy spring waters, touchingly exposing its sides to the bright spring sun and flashing with sparkling light. "Wow!" - Our Droplet was surprised. - “It turns out that nothing dies! Everything just changes and continues to exist in a new form! This is so cool and so interesting!”
... And each new state is wonderful in its own way, and each new transformation is wonderfully extraordinary!
I. Gavrilova
Illustration for a fairy tale by I. Gavrilova
This wonderful educational fairy tale brings the child to the conclusion that there is no need to be afraid of what you don’t know. Other drops, which had not yet managed to change their state, sincerely believed that the heroine had died, although the same transformation awaited them. In the same way, there is no need to be afraid of death, sooner or later it will happen to everyone, it’s just that someone dies (transitions to another state) earlier, and someone later. After getting acquainted with the story of Droplets, the baby should come to calmness and confidence that everything that happens in the world should happen, and a change in states can bring joy and satisfaction.
A similar fairy tale was invented by psychologist M.A. Antonova, only her hero is already a ray of sunshine. After all, the sun releases its rays onto the earth every day, which scatter across the earth, and with the onset of darkness they dissipate in the air. One of them was worried about what would become of him. He didn’t understand how he could disappear without a trace. When the Beam hit the ground, at first he wanted to save himself, but then he noticed a small unopened flower. He warmed it with his warmth, and the flower bloomed beautifully. After that, Ray saw the cat and warmed her up after a cold night. The sea became even brighter from the sunlight. Ray realized how much he could do, he was filled with happiness. And when the sun was already setting behind the horizon, the hero realized that it was time for him to leave. But now he felt only peace. The earth and its inhabitants were filled with its warmth, and Ray did not die, but became part of the earth. And at night, when everything fell asleep, the Ray soared through the clouds and again became part of the sun.
Rays, like living beings, are born at sunrise and die at sunset
This fairy tale makes the child understand how wisely nature and our entire universe are structured. The work teaches the child that not only should one not be constantly afraid of death, but one should also live, benefiting others.
Another option for how the concept of “death” can be explained to a child is the therapeutic fairy tale “The Magical Purpose of the Genie” (author Griza T.A.). The action takes place in the far East. In one beautiful city, a magical Genie rests in an ancient lamp. But once every hundred years he wakes up and can fulfill three cherished desires of a person. None of the people know when these hundred years will pass, and therefore everyone periodically comes up to the lamp to try a miracle. And then one day a little boy got lucky. When he rubbed the lamp, a multi-colored cloud emerged from it. It was the Genie who granted the child's three wishes. After this, Jin became less bright and looked tired. He thanked the boy for remembering him, told him that he had fulfilled his destiny and should retire in order to wake up again in a hundred years.
Thus, in this magical story, the concept of “death” is associated with the concept of “peace”. In addition, the topic of memory is raised - Gene is grateful to people for not forgetting him.
Art and play therapy
Parents should not be afraid that the theme of death is reflected in the child’s drawings. This is a manifestation of the normal functioning of the psyche, which plays out the situation on paper, thereby helping to overcome the feeling of internal anxiety.
Adults should actively use the art therapy method to throw out the fears and tension of their son or daughter. After all, most children of preschool and primary school age love to draw. The essence of the method is that the child is asked to draw his fear of death. In this case, the guys usually depict scary monsters of dark colors with weapons; it can also be, for example, fire. The child himself must choose the materials for the image: pencils, paints, felt-tip pens. Although the paints allow you to achieve broad strokes. By the way, non-traditional drawing methods (for example, blotography) would also be appropriate here. When the drawing is ready, mom or dad asks the child about the created image and helps him with leading questions. Moreover, in this case it is better to speak as much as possible. After this, the adult invites the child to deal with the drawn fear on his own - tear it to shreds, burn it, bury it in the ground, or lock it in a box. A similar procedure can be carried out many times.
Drawing Fear Is a Good Way to Overcome It
Another direction of such activities is that the child is invited to cheer up his fear. You can add bright bows, balloons, and flowers to the evil, incomprehensible creature. You can draw a smile, a funny face on a dark spot, or put it on roller skates.
Children always accept advice or persuasion better if it is presented in a playful form. For example, the fear of death often transforms into nightmares in children. If this happens often, then together with your child you can make him an Ole Lukoje umbrella. An ordinary old umbrella is decorated with bright applications made of colored paper or fabric, and talismans. Before going to bed, the mother opens a magic umbrella near the child’s crib and convinces him that fears will not reach him.
Video: 5 ways to overcome fear
What to do to help your child and relieve him of fear
Even when a child starts talking about death at an early age, the main rule for parents is not to lie. In other words, if grief has occurred in the family, there is no need to say that the old relative is fast asleep - the child may begin to be afraid to fall asleep. It is also wrong to call death a long journey - the baby will wait and eventually wonder who is to blame for the fact that a loved one is absent for a long time. By the way, it is likely that he will blame himself: “I didn’t learn my lessons, so he doesn’t come back.” And this is already fertile ground for the development of complexes.
You need to talk to your child about the topic of death without guile.
All words and actions of adults must be coordinated and aimed at supporting the baby as he grows up.
- Any fear is a weakness of the nervous system, and in young children it is just being formed. So try to protect your baby from stress (quarrels in which he is even just an observer, watching TV - this is not useful under any circumstances, reading horror films, etc.). At the same time, your warmth, care and attention will make the child feel protected and supported by his parents.
- Don't gloss over the topic. That is, you should not avoid talking about death, no matter how unpleasant it may be for you. If grief has occurred in the family and it is difficult to talk about the loss, ask your loved ones to answer your child’s questions. The fact is that by discussing his fear, the little one gets used to it and stops being afraid.
- Do not discuss your feelings about death in front of your children. And even if it seems to you that the child does not hear it. In any case, he feels all the emotions and tries them on himself. Remember: as soon as you complain about a migraine, within a few hours the sympathetic little one begins to have a “severe headache.”
- Give your child new experiences to distract him. This could be a trip to the zoo, a trip to an amusement park, or an entertainment center. However, be careful: too much of a good thing is also bad, that is, overstimulation will not improve the baby’s mental state.
- Explain. The most correct interpretations of death would be old age or a very serious incurable illness.
- Don't leave your child alone with fear. This means that when a phobia manifests itself, you should not send your child to a summer health camp (even at sea he will not improve his mental health!), and if possible, it is better to avoid going to the hospital (most children associate this institution with unpleasant sensations).
- Focus your child on the future. In other words, dream with your little one about who he will become, what he will become, about his family, children. And be sure to talk and make plans for the present.
- Be prepared to continue to struggle with related problems. Usually the fear of death is accompanied by a fear of the dark, closed space, and loneliness. If you notice manifestations of these phobias in a child, then be sure to take action to eliminate them.
Techniques for dealing with fear
For a child, the complex concept of the finitude of life does not have the philosophical meaning characteristic of an adult understanding. So a simple explanation of the meaning of the word in the fight against fear is clearly not enough.
There is no point in explaining to your child the philosophical meaning of the flow and finitude of life; it is better to do it at his level
There are several techniques that child psychologists recommend to overcome a child’s fear of death:
- drawings. Let the baby visualize his fear. And then, together with it, tear the picture into small pieces and burn it in an ashtray;
- fairytale therapy. To begin with, it’s worth reading Andersen’s fairy tales that touch on the theme of death: “The Little Mermaid”, “Angel”, “The Red Shoes”, “Something”. It also makes sense to turn to stories written by fairy tale therapists, which are dedicated to getting rid of fear due to specific losses, for example, the death of a mother;
High, high in the mountains there was Green Lake. The water in it was always clean and cool. Fish and frogs lived in this mountain lake. The fish had golden and silver scales, and the frogs had beautiful green skin, exactly the same as the color of the water in the lake. But the most beautiful and greenest skin was that of a little frog named Kva-Simka. Five days ago, Kva-Simka turned from a small tadpole into a real frog, but he could already croak well and jump high. Grandma, dad and mom were very proud of the little frog and told everyone around how smart and good he was. Kva-Simka also loved his grandmother, father and mother very much and tried to be obedient and well-mannered. This was the most friendly frog family on the lake. Living on the lake was fun and calm. True, sometimes the wind blew onto the lake, raising dangerous waves, but then all the adult frogs and small frogs jumped out of the water and pressed themselves against large stones so that they would not be carried away by the wave into the middle of the reservoir. One night there was a very strong wind. He not only raised high and dangerous waves, but also tore down large stones in the mountains, which quickly rolled down to the lake. Almost all the frogs and little frogs, as always, jumped out of the lake and pressed themselves against the stones, but several frogs did not have time to do this, and a large stone fell on them from the mountain. During the wind, no one noticed what happened. And only when the wind died down did little Kva-Simka realize that his mother was nowhere to be found. He began jumping along the shore of the lake and calling her, but mother did not respond. Suddenly Kva-simka saw a large stone falling from the mountain, and a thin ray of golden light flowing from under it. The frog froze, he was scared and interested, his little heart was ready to jump out of his chest. The beam became thicker and larger until it finally turned into a frog. Kva-Simka immediately recognized his mother, but she was not the same as always. Her skin glowed silver and gold, and was not green, as usual. And wings also grew on her back - exactly like those of large butterflies, beautiful and colorful. Kva-Simka's mother looked like a sorceress. - Mom, is that you? - the frog asked uncertainly. “Yes, my dear,” answered the sorceress. - What happened to you, mom? Why did you become gold? Why did you grow wings? “I turned into an angel and should now fly high into the sky.” - I don't want you to be an angel. I won't let you in! - the frog shouted and cried bitterly. - Don't cry, Kva-Simka. “It’s great luck to turn into an angel after death, and not just lie under a big stone,” the angel mother reassured the frog. - And what about me? Who will love me? — Kva-Simka did not calm down. “I will love you in heaven, and on earth your grandmother, and your father, and your friends will love you, and many other frogs will love you.” - When will I see you again? - Kva-Simka asked in a calm voice. “I will come to you in your dreams, and we will play and have fun together.” I will also smile at you from behind a cloud, but this will be our secret. And now it’s time for you to return to grandma and dad, and for me to fly away. Goodbye, my beloved son. “Goodbye, mommy,” Kva-Simka answered and sadly walked home. But suddenly a mischievous breeze knocked the frog off his paws and onto his back. Kva-Simka accidentally looked at the sky and saw his angel mother smiling at him from behind a cloud. The little frog smiled back at her, quickly jumped up on his paws and happily jumped to grandma and dad. He had a big secret that only he and his angel mom knew about.
- dreams under an umbrella. Quite often, children who are afraid of death have nightmares at night. True, experts say that 1-2 scary visions per month in childhood is the norm. And yet, it is necessary to help eliminate dreams of such content. Tell your child a fairy tale about Ole Lukoje, make an umbrella out of cardboard and decorate it with colored appliqués. Every time you put your child to bed, open an umbrella over him so that the baby dreams only good, fairy-tale and colorful dreams.
Fairytale therapy is a very effective way to combat children's fears
How to rid a child of the fear of death: advice from psychologists
Psychologists consider the fear of death to be one of the key childhood phobias. This theme penetrates the child’s consciousness early, because he observes the change of day and night, seasons, and encounters dead living beings in the environment. This question is even more relevant if the baby has experienced his own sad experience - the loss of a loved one.
According to psychologist M.G. Woodpecker's difficulty in overcoming a child's fear of death is that adults often, deep down in their souls, experience the same experiences. Many people are petrified by the very thought that everything in the world is perishable, and when a small son or daughter begins to ask questions about death, adults become frightened and cannot give an adequate answer that would satisfy and reassure the child.
Consulting psychologist Anna Harutyunyan, who specializes in relationships between parents and children, believes that all types of children's fears are to some extent related to the fear of non-existence. Adults do not need to hush up this topic, because it is an integral part of life itself and affects the content of television content. Since what is most frightening is what is not understood, parents need to tell their child that every living creature goes through a mandatory cycle of birth, development and dying. As for the phrase “death is an eternal sleep,” it should be avoided so as not to cause problems in the baby falling asleep.
Many children are very afraid that both mom and dad will die. In this case, you need to explain to the baby that this will not happen soon, that many joyful events still await him.
E. Sorokina, an educational psychologist of the highest category, calls the fear of death a healthy stage in the development of the child’s psyche. This is as natural for a baby as the fear of getting lost or getting sick. And you should talk to your child about this topic very honestly.
Video on the topic
Psychologists in their video blogs give recommendations on overcoming the fear of death in children.
Psychotherapist Maxim Chekmarev gives recommendations on overcoming the fear of death in a child
Psychologist Victoria Markelova reflects on children's attitude to the topic of death
How to answer children's questions correctly?
Children do not ask about death to embarrass or anger their parents. This curiosity is due to the fact that babies actively explore the world, and such basics as birth and death interest them most. A child who knows the truth feels more secure.
However, if the topic of birth is even more or less clear to parents, then it is difficult to talk about death also because little is known about it. But a child with all questions first of all turns to adults, who, in his opinion, should know much more.
Children's questions about death should not be ignored by adults. Parents should answer all the child’s questions as truthfully and honestly as possible, trying to choose the most clear and unambiguous words.
Requests for help Write your story Hello my name is Andrey it all started in 1996 I was 8 years old I was at school it was an ordinary day On December 10th during recess a guy from high school (son of the head teacher) came up to me and said with a grin that my mother died in accident, I ran home, everyone was crying, my mother was buried, my father tried to commit suicide, they pumped me out... Then life began with my father, he hated me for something, humiliated me, beat me, took away my opinion, I finished the ninth grade and went to study in the city At the technical school, my classmates communicated well with each other, but I couldn’t put together two words, I was afraid of them... I started playing truant and I was expelled. When my father found out, he again started beating me and humiliating me, he drank, I ran away from home, a month later I found out that he died, fell asleep with a cigarette, a fire started and he suffocated, when I arrived at the funeral everyone looked at me as an enemy of the people. From then on I couldn’t communicate with people at all. I wanted to lock myself in a cellar and sit there all my life. I opened my veins, but my stepbrother went out for a smoke break and saw the light in the bathhouse where I was, in general, I stayed to live, they didn’t take me into the army because of the cuts.. one day I met a girl, we met and started dating, she got pregnant and gave birth to me daughter Now we live in a rented apartment, my wife pays for everything and raises their daughter, and I don’t do anything for them, I don’t work, I don’t leave the house, knowing that soon there will be nothing to eat, even for the sake of my daughter I can’t get a job, I’m afraid of everyone, we live what my wife’s parents will send... the scars on my hands don’t give me peace of mind, who would hire someone like that. I’m thinking about suicide again, I’ll never be able to go out normally, communicate with people, I’m just a freak, I have no friends, my step-dads and sister have forgotten about me, I have no one except my daughter and wife, and I’m a weakling, I can’t even earn bread ..HELP PLEASE TELL ME WHAT TO DO. Support the site:
ANDREY, age: 23 / 06/15/2012
Responses:
A daughter and a wife are a lot. God does not give everyone such happiness to have a full-fledged family. Don’t frighten yourself needlessly, don’t torment yourself by constantly fantasizing about how bad everything will be (the food will run out, I’m afraid of everyone, no one will hire you). Just get up, pray, ask for wisdom and strength to survive this period and overcome your fears. Go to the temple, there is plenty of work for a man: nailing something, cleaning it up, and a lot of other things. And they won’t look at your hands; they generally understand everything correctly. Andrey, what happened is past. You can’t change it, but your future is now being built by your hands. I'll pray for you.
Lina from perejit.ru, age: 32 / 06/15/2012
Andrey, you yourself know what you need to do: overcome yourself and go to work. I can not! And what’s better?! Well, you’re already tormented, suffering and afraid of everything! Why do you think that it will be worse for you outside the door or at work? And why are you beating yourself up? In one place they refuse to accept you - you go to another. And so on until you get settled. Everyone is looking for a job like this: they worry, they shake, they listen to refusals... Sooner or later you will hear “yes, you are suitable for us.” It will be joy, a small victory. The further you go, the easier it will be! You have experienced a lot of really terrible things, and now - now everything is fine! Live! Life is not easy, but it’s good! If I don't leave the house for a day, I also feel sad. If I don’t do anything, it’s even worse. Joy can only come from action. Failure is not a shame, but an experience... Yes, and are you by any chance going overboard with the computer? They say it causes problems with communication and fears. Act, the young forces need a way out, otherwise it turns out to be complete self-criticism!
Elena Ordinary, age: 35 / 06/15/2012
Andrey, I have a friend who loved a girl in his youth, and she rejected him. he had many attempts to cut his veins, all his arms were covered in terrible scars. But thank God he was able to recover - because it’s like a disease. Now he has stopped drinking, he has a job, a wife, two children. You live in your own box and don’t see that there is a completely different life nearby. It’s simple - get up in the morning, go out into the street and go look for a job, no matter how scary it is - go to all institutions, shops, the market and, overcoming your fear, ask for a job - if you want to blush, if you want to shake with fear, even if you shit your pants - overcome your fear ! But what are you afraid of - they will laugh at you, humiliate you, you will not find a job and you will return again as a loser, maybe they will send you away or even hit you? Don’t give a damn about everything - your victory is to start acting if you shit yourself, dry yourself off and start over! Remember, you survived after the death of your mother and father, give your daughter a chance to live in a complete family, be proud of her father, overcome yourself once - everything will go as usual, you will still laugh at your fears.
Vera, age: 42 / 06/15/2012
Hello, Andrey! First of all, I want to express my condolences to you for the loss of your mom and dad. Unfortunately, your case is far from the first and will not be the last. When your mother died, it was a strong blow for your dad, because he loved her. Your father didn't hate you. It was just very difficult for him without his wife, your mother. And when a person finds himself in such a difficult, literally breaking the psyche situation, he, as a rule, touches those closest to him. You were the closest person to your father. There is such a feature of the human psyche: the one we love the most is the one we offend. Forgive father. God forbid we encounter such a tragedy. Andryusha, before you stands a very clear example of a father. Please use it. My father died only because he escaped reality with the help of alcohol. He didn't fight, he gave up. It all ended badly. Andrey, be stronger than your father, show that you are stronger. I'm sure you can do it! Now you have a family. If you didn't have your own family, I would think you were a social phobe. But you have a family, so that’s not the point. But the fact is that you just came up with some tiny little world for yourself, in which, as you think, it’s safe and cozy. But you didn’t go beyond this little world, even purely psychologically. And this is not correct and not useful. Andryusha, you ask the question: what to do? I'll tell you exactly what to do. Clean yourself up and go out. You can go out with your wife, for a walk, with your child. This is joy. You will breathe easier and all your fears will disappear. At first you can just take a walk. And then, on the weekend, go out with a purpose - go to church, pray there with everyone, watch the service, after the service stay to wait for the priest and ask for his blessing - for life, for work, whatever you want. The main thing is that the desire is good. This helps a lot! Write to me here, on this page of yours, if you have any questions or just like that:) God bless you.
Nelly, age: 30 / 06/15/2012
Hello Andryukha! There is no need to despair, get a full-time job as a welder, study just a little. Take care of your family, you will feed them, don’t worry! Are you baptized, do you go to church? Go to the nearest church and get baptized and talk to the priest or mother. You will gain the strength of spirit for yourself not to be discouraged and not to be afraid of difficulties, but to trust in God. Remember: God gives life and He takes it away; no matter what bad thoughts come to you, do not accept them, cut them off immediately, any lie is from the demon and everything bad is from the demon. Try to keep in your mind the prayer, Lord, have mercy all day long! Baptize your daughter and wife, go to church together whenever possible. What is there a craving for: cars (car mechanic), cook, baker, tire fitter. Learn, there is still time, you need to get a profession, because you won’t work as a loader until you retire. You are a normal guy, a man, because you already have a family and responsibility for your wife and daughter. If a brother and sister don’t want to communicate, that’s their right, don’t hold a grudge against them, forgive them, pray for them and for their parents. Get a job, go with your family for walks in the park to get some fresh air, visit your mother-in-law if possible. God bless Andrey! With God everything is possible!
Alexander, age: 29 / 06/15/2012
Andrey, I wanted to support you, they wrote to you correctly - when you don’t act and just sit and think how scary it is, it actually becomes even scarier, although everything is not so gloomy. Andrey, I really sympathize with you, I can imagine how hard it is to live without a mother and father, and even with a huge feeling of guilt, although you are not to blame for anything! Don't blame yourself, you survived as best you could. Straighten your shoulders, raise your head and understand: even if other people think badly of you, hate you, this does not mean that they are right. Don’t be afraid to be the first to talk to people, many are just as afraid of everything as you are! Protect yourself as best you can. Turn to God. If possible, go to a psychologist and talk. In general, judging by myself, I can advise: take action!!! Don’t be afraid of anything, even if there are continuous failures, this means that next time you will become even stronger! "Whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger." I really want you to be happy, Andrey! you are not alone, there are many, many of us without parents, with a difficult childhood and youth. Some people drown in life as if in a swamp, while others slowly but surely, with God’s help, overcome life’s failures and rise up with knees to feet. Andrey, everything will be fine with you, the main thing is don’t be discouraged!
Lenochka, age: 29 / 06/15/2012
Great. In general, you can get a tattoo on scars without embarrassing anyone. Down to simple inscriptions. Regarding work... Go to the employment center (look through Yandex where your employment center is located) they will help with work + you can get help from psychologists. Maybe start going to church? For many people over many centuries, this has changed their lives for the better. For some, quickly, for others, gradually. In any case, this is your personal business. God bless you!
Rusik, age: 22 / 06/15/2012
Andryush, it’s a blessing that you have a wife and a daughter! It’s just a gift from God for you! Honestly. The Lord gave you strength! Don’t be a wretched person. You have to live for them!!! Create for your daughter something that you haven’t seen! Give tell your daughter a fairy tale, forget about your sorrows, now you are raising a different life! Don’t you really want to see your daughter happy? Yes, forget about your grievances? Now she is your main victory! Destroy your complexes)
Song, age: 24 / 06/16/2012
I agree with everyone who has already expressed their opinion. I just want to add. Start to at least leave the house, and at least go for a walk with your family or daughter. And in my opinion, you pay more attention to scars than those around you. God help you.
Fedora, age: 50 / 06/16/2012
Here I am, 29 years old and have never had a girlfriend and never will, so you are “lucky”, now you have the sense to raise your daughter, strain for her sake if you can’t for your own sake.
Alexey, age: 29 / 06/16/2012
Christ said to the paralytic, get up and walk. Cuts are nonsense, long sleeve shirt. Do you have the willpower to sleep with a girl? Answer yourself the question, what will happen if she gets pregnant again, will you kill the child by having an abortion? Get up and go, I can’t, you are a man, otherwise over time she will simply stop loving you and there will be one or even two more problems. You don’t have to make any effort to live this whole life at once, no one can do it, this thought alone can drive you crazy. Every morning you get up early, whoever gets up early, God provides, and you say today, even if I don’t find a job, I will look for it, I will make every effort to do so. If something doesn’t work out for me today, then there is tomorrow, and I have the opportunity to fix it. My favorite word is opportunity, I always remember that the opportunity to live means many other opportunities. One moment, if there is a piece of bread on your way, and you are dying of hunger, then you need to bend over, or at least extend your hand. Good luck, and remember, you are a father, you have the OPPORTUNITY to correct the mistakes of your father, when you become a father taking care of your daughter, your dysfunctional childhood will simply melt away. Only you can change something in your life.
Olga, age: 51 / 06/16/2012
Andryusha, you need help from a psychologist. Please take my words seriously - first search on the forum of this site, here: https://www.pobedish.ru/forum/ - life has not spoiled you, to put it mildly, and in your story I recognize myself - I am so I was afraid of people, even calling on the phone was torture, I couldn’t get a job for this reason, my father beat my mother, my brother, he didn’t touch me, but I was afraid of him until my knees trembled, until - I’m sorry, but that’s how it was - like that to the extent that the child would sit down when he simply entered the room. I got out of this on my own, for ten years, from 15 to 25, and, you know, I’m sorry that there were no psychologists then, there was no practice of turning to them, I had no one to talk to, I spent too much precious time fighting - on the verge of suicide - facing my own demons alone. Andryusha, remember, my dear, asking for help, accepting help is a sign of great inner strength, and not weakness, as for some reason they often think. You hang in there, my dear, and go to our forum, okay? You have someone to live for. Right now, go up to your daughter, hug her, inhale this incomparable smell of childhood and say: “I love you, baby.” And believe me, any path, even the longest and most difficult, always begins with the first step. God help you!
Irina, age: 38 / 06/16/2012
Sorry, of course, but aren’t you ashamed? Your daughter and wife are the most important thing in your life, and you, as I understand it, are like in the family, but also like outside of it. Think about your daughter! You know, my father is somewhat similar to you. He works, but gets paid very little. The whole family is supported by my mother - we live in her apartment, eat, dress, etc. for her money. He's just making trouble. For as long as I can remember, there have been eternal scandals about money or even for no reason. All my girlfriends dress expensively and fashionably. And for me, ballet flats for 35 UAH are already a great happiness. I HATE my father my whole life! I HATE IT! I wish him a quick death! Do you want your daughter to live like me? So that she also hates you and wants you to die? Think about her! It's still not too late to fix it. Only the lazy don't work. All the scars on the hands, etc. are simple excuses to cover up laziness. A newspaper with job advertisements is in your hands and quickly look for a way to earn money. Provide for your family financially and morally! THEN there will be less time to think about suicide when your family becomes truly happy!
LETOchka, age: 16/06/16/2012
Hello everyone. I read the women's comments and am in a little shock. Dear citizens, if you think that training to become a welder or plowing in a church is the solution to all problems, you are mistaken. Any work is not a solution. A person can be happy at work only if he loves it. So far, in 30 years, I have seen one such person, a military pilot. Rather, we need a friend with whom we can talk, who can start some business (I don’t like that word “business”), in order to see the future, to go on vacation when we want, and not to work stupidly hard at an idiotic job for the sake of food and, getting even more irritated, come home and yell at the household. Because in the future it will be worse, daughter’s dresses, other women’s nonsense, etc. and you definitely won’t make money with such nonsense. We are all here because of the loss of good and something good in the future, we see it as very bad, so the advice about welders is nonsense. If you want to discuss, post here. I will answer everyone.
Oleg, age: 30 / 06/17/2012
Oleg, let's discuss. The citizens are not so wrong. A hungry man comes to you. One might say, dying of hunger (Andrey writes that he doesn’t work anywhere at all, his wife’s parents feed him, he’s afraid of everyone). They offer him a piece of bread (to start small, any work will help overcome fear, make acquaintances, and then we’ll see). And you say that bread won’t help here, it’s tasteless and uncool, and in general only a three-course lunch in a restaurant will help here. Nobody writes that you have to choose a job you don’t like for life. And that the author does not need friends. The hedgehog understands that a successful business with friends is better than sitting at home and being afraid of everything. But it’s unrealistic to jump from the second to the first IMMEDIATELY. This means NOW any work, the main thing is to overcome yourself and take on it.
Yulali, age: 37 / 06/18/2012
Oh, Oleg, who can argue that “it’s better to be healthy and rich than poor and sick” - that’s a paraphrase)) It’s just that even the longest road begins with a small step. It is the most difficult, but it must be done. Andrey now just needs to start “coming out of his shell” with God’s help. And there, indeed, business, if it wants, will organize it. The main thing is that there is peace and harmony in the soul.
Lina, age: 32 / 06/18/2012
I’ll tell you honestly: I sympathize with your wife! I don’t understand people who live haphazardly, do nothing and at the same time complain about fate. Yes, your parents died, you had a difficult childhood... but that’s the past. now you have a future. there is a child, there is a wife. all you need is to stop being afraid of your past. Of course, I’m not a psychologist, but an ordinary translator, but I will say that all your cowardice comes from childhood. and how can you be afraid of people? Yes, I agree that there are a lot of idiots in our world... but there are also normal people. find a good job, get a decent education and move on with your life! a man must be strong. I have a friend who is also an orphan and his life was similar to yours... but he grew up and overcame it all. and is now a respectable businessman. so what's stopping you from building your life and finding a job? if you are afraid of people, contact a regular psychologist. I won’t tell you about the charms and life, and that suicide is bad, there’s enough written on the website. I’ll just say: go to a psychologist, find a job! YOU ARE A MAN, NUUU)
Victoria, age: 24/06/29/2012
GREETINGS. My name is Alexey. the story is clear. Question one: where in what city do you live? second: is there a desire to change your place of residence? If the issue has not yet been resolved, then I have an option for you, you can work. Nobody will touch you. But here your family. Everything needs to be resolved well for you and for the family. Either you can move with her, or you can come and work temporarily. In principle, everything can be resolved calmly without haste. I'll find somewhere to live. I'll provide you with a house. Some repairs will have to be done. I will pay. At first a little, then more. In general, all the details Alexey
Alexey, age: 38 / 12/07/2012
Previous request Next request Return to the beginning of the section
| print version |
Manifestations of Fear
The phobia of losing relatives does not develop out of nowhere. This is preceded by tragic events or serious stress. When something unsettles us, despair and the inability to change the situation settle in our souls. After the death of a loved one, a ringing emptiness and despair forms inside. It seems like there will never be relief. We have to reconsider a lot in life, pay attention to what we previously quietly closed our eyes to.
Feeling insecure
Constant vigilance and expectations of a catch lead to the formation of an expectation of failure. The individual seems to be surrounded by negative events everywhere. Even if nothing terrible happens, everything has a particularly unpleasant meaning. Feeling insecure leads to an inability to relax. As a result, you have to constantly be in tension. And in this state, no joy becomes possible. The individual simply closes himself off from it and hinders his own happiness in every possible way. The feeling of trust in life is lost.
Constant worry
Even if a relative just went to the store to buy bread, the consciousness is already beginning to paint tragic pictures. This is how anxiety grows and self-doubt appears. It becomes difficult to understand what is really going on. Expectations from life become the most unpleasant, because negative thoughts are constantly scrolling through your head. The impressions from any event remain the most difficult. It seems that nothing can affect the development of the situation. Feelings of hopelessness and melancholy are clear symptoms of internal ill-being.
Despair
Even if in reality your relatives are not in danger, you often worry about them. This is a form of emotional disorder that assumes that any trifle is elevated to the rank of deadly factors. A common cold causes panic and puts you into a state of stupor. It happens that an individual cries and sees no way out, feeling himself at a dead end.
How does a child's fear of death manifest?
By the age of four or five, carefree children suddenly begin to think about questions of the universe. They come to understand that they will not live forever, that there is also death. In this regard, children have various fears: attacks by strange monsters, darkness, fires, etc. All of them personify the basic fear of death.
First of all, it manifests itself in nightmares and whims with the onset of darkness. “There is nothing unnatural about this,” any practicing psychologist will answer parents. “This is an absolutely normal and natural stage of development.”
