Nobody needs me: where does this thought come from and 6 solutions

What is the feeling of not being needed?

The feeling of uselessness, lack of demand, and worthlessness is one of the most painful experiences that modern people face. It is perceived even more acutely than loneliness. A lonely person suffers from the fact that he is alone in this world. And a person who is convinced of his uselessness (even if he is mistaken) feels that he is not in this world at all.

What to do if no one needs you?

Important: the feeling of uselessness is the other side of another feeling that is vital for a person - one’s own importance, being in demand, being involved in a circle of close people, like-minded people, and colleagues. Without this feeling, human realization is impossible.

Why do we need unnecessaryness?

Feeling useless can be a clever way of self-deception, or manipulating oneself in order to do or not do something. There are several of them:

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Uselessness - unworthiness

Uselessness is quite associated with unworthiness. Because to be unnecessary in society means to be rejected, worthy people are accepted by society and occupy a worthy position in it. In other words, feeling unworthy for anything, a person does not make attempts to move towards high goals, believing that they are not for him. He will not look for a better job because he believes that he is not worthy of it, he will tolerate his grumpy wife, believing that he is unworthy of more, he will be embarrassed to speak, believing that his opinion is uninteresting, and, in general, he will live modestly, one might say, like a mouse, only occasionally sticking his nose out of the hole. That is, uselessness as an excuse for inaction. That is, inaction is necessary for something and this is a separate layer of our psyche.

What is verbal violence?

If you have told yourself “Nobody needs me,” then try to listen to the feelings that these words generate. Most likely, one of them is almost physical paralysis of the body and volitional functions, “give up”, “I don’t want and can’t do anything” - that’s something like that.

Getting attention

Imagine that you told one of your friends, maybe a relative, husband, wife, that you feel like this. What do you expect to hear in response? Obviously, words of consolation and refutation of your uselessness.

Thus, one of the possible ways to use the feeling of uselessness is to receive attention, care and support. And, through this, of course, increasing self-esteem.

Get what you want

By presenting himself as unnecessary, a person looks like a victim of unfair circumstances and caring people try to show attention to him, support him and, in general, bring him out of this unproductive state. “Would you like me to bring you a donut?” This is already a definite result. Not very significant, really. But “Only a new computer can save me” – that’s more interesting. Or, for example, “Well, mom, of course, I’ll live with you” - this is completely interesting.

Alternatively, you do the same thing to yourself. That is, in a normal state you don’t allow yourself something, but recognizing yourself as unnecessary releases the brakes. For example, in order to support yourself, you buy something not very necessary, but extremely desirable, whereas in a normal state you would save money.

Uniqueness, significance

To be unnecessary to anyone - you have to try. This is a certain status, though in our own eyes. This may seem like an easy and attractive way for a person to make themselves more important than they currently are. Perhaps he feels unimportant, insignificant, but if you give this a certain status, then it becomes not humiliating, but a certain mark of distinction, partly fate and chosenness, which can be flaunted to some extent with the idea “But I don’t need anyone” - usually , in such cases, the fantasy of one’s own uselessness is transformed into it.

Being needed by someone: pros and cons

In order to get rid of the feeling of your own uselessness, it is important to dissuade yourself of this, which means becoming needed by someone. Or maybe we should leave everything as it is? What are the advantages and disadvantages of overcoming the uselessness complex?

Advantages	Flaws
Understanding that close people, friends, and colleagues need you, relieves a person of the feeling of his own insignificance. He begins to value life and his health more, without taking unnecessary risks, thinking about the consequences of his actions: what if they bring trouble to those who care about you?	Understanding that you are necessary for someone requires special care and delicacy. It's good if the feelings are mutual. And if not? How to get out of the situation without cutting off oxygen to the person who needs you? What if it breaks? It is very important to weaken this one-way connection with the least possible losses.
The feeling of being needed helps each of us to overcome difficulties, set goals, and achieve them. In other words, a person perceives his life as something that does not belong only to him, feels responsible to those who support him, and tries to be on top so as not to let him down.	A person cannot afford to take big risks (and sometimes he really wants to). Every step will have to be taken with an eye on those who are worried, caring, waiting, and bored. Sometimes, why not, excessive care is annoying. You have to come to terms with this.
The life of a person who knows that he is not indifferent to his other half, parents, children, friends, is filled with meaning. He knows that it is not in vain that he lives on this earth. This gives him powerful emotional support and supports him in difficult times.	Knowing that his family and friends need him, a person should forget about the feeling of absolute freedom. Responsibility to loved ones and caring for them does not allow you to live as you please, take risks, or neglect your health.

I don't want to do anything! How to deal with this?

The “superfluous person” complex

Man is a social being. He cannot live in a complete communication vacuum. Yes, there is an exception - hermits. But, consciously refusing the company of other people, they completely devote themselves to God, that is, they are absolutely sure that it is He who needs their life most of all. This means that no complexes of uselessness, worthlessness and unfulfillment threaten him.

What if you are not a hermit, but a normal person who wants to love, have friends, develop professionally, but for some reason all this is stalled? In the end, you begin to suspect that everyone, by and large, can easily do without you. And if at some point you disappear, then your absence will not be discovered immediately, or maybe they will not notice at all.

Gradually, a person gets used to his own uselessness and believes that he is somehow defective, incorrect, unworthy of being paid attention to. In a word - superfluous.

He voluntarily pushes himself into a corner, not claiming anything, and does not live, but drags out a worthless existence.

A person who is confident that no one needs him considers himself “superfluous” at this celebration of life.

In what direction should we change?

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In order to stop using the idea of uselessness in your worldview, you need to understand that this feeling is a signal to try to figure out what exactly you are missing, what exactly you want, what your need or needs are.

How to deal with feelings of false guilt?

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Think about it carefully, it is likely that you can use unnecessaryness for different needs in different cases. That is, it would be correct to remember in what situations you did this.

Well, after you understand your needs, it makes sense to take care of satisfying these needs. For example, if you don’t have any social life, then maybe you should figure out what you like and start attending, say, art lectures, or go to a drawing club. It doesn't matter that you don't know how to do something. You can study. For friendship - look for friends, for love - look for love, for significance - do and improve what you do.

If you use feelings of worthlessness to get what you need (for inaction, for attention, uniqueness and other rewards), consider whether you are ready to receive it in this way, or if you want to change something. For each case, you can find dozens of different techniques, although working with a psychologist remains the best.

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Andrey Petrakov

Hello! This is a blog on psychology, in which significant attention is paid to the topics of psychological violence - abuse, narcissism, relationships, personal crises, taking responsibility for one's life, increasing self-esteem, existential problems. The cost of consulting a psychologist is 3000 rubles/hour, in person (Moscow, Maryina Roshcha metro station), or via Skype About us/Make an appointment

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“I will prove the opposite to you all! ", or the Napoleon Complex

But there are other situations when such a person, having lost faith that someone will truly appreciate him, decides to prove the opposite.
Moreover, he chooses not the best “arguments” as evidence: for example, brute force or meanness. How many books have been written on this topic, how many films have been made, and life itself periodically throws up terrible stories about how some high school student with a Napoleon complex, drab and inconspicuous, suddenly shows up at school with a firearm and takes out his grievances on those who I underestimated it at the time. But these are all clinical cases worthy of the attention of psychiatrists.

And we are interested in the psychology of a normal person who has fallen into the trap of an unfortunate combination of circumstances or has become a hostage to self-doubt. Or maybe both at the same time.

Overcoming the feeling of uselessness: before and after

So, the person analyzed the reason that gave rise to the feeling of uselessness and decided to try to fix everything. What will happen next?

What to do if you don't want to live?

BEFORE	AFTER
A person experiencing a feeling of uselessness seems to be an “empty place.”	Having realized his need, a person feels emotionally involved in a certain communicative space where he is assigned a certain place.
A person who is confident that everyone is indifferent to him is like walking on a tightrope without a safety net. If he falls, no one will even notice. This creates a worthlessness complex.	Having felt needed, a person begins to believe that his life has meaning. He receives energy support that helps him overcome difficulties and not stumble.
The person essentially experiences an inferiority complex. Gradually, he even begins to believe in his own worthlessness.	By making sure that there are people who still need him, a person has every chance to turn from an “ugly duckling” into a “beautiful swan.”

From thoughts to actions

When things go badly, a person usually withdraws from society until things get better. Do not forget that solving problems can take a long time, and during this period the desire to communicate disappears. And those around you get used to such detachment, and do not try to get involved in other people’s lives and problems.

You can’t try to solve your difficulties on your own; it’s better to turn to people. Perhaps in the future they will ask for help, and friendly relations will last for many years.

In order not to feel unnecessary, it is very important not to isolate yourself from people, not to refuse their communication and help. Going out into the world gives you the opportunity to be surrounded, to be needed and useful.

Thus, loneliness will never become the only feeling among all possible in this life.

We all come from childhood: how not to lose control over the situation?

A person’s awareness of his own importance begins in infancy, when the child is emotionally and biologically connected to his mother. The baby feels this connection first on a subconscious level, and over time begins to understand that his parents and the whole family need him.

Those close to him rejoice at his successes, support him, and wish him well. This is how the child realizes: “I am”, “I am needed”, “My life is important for my family and friends.”

All this, of course, “works” when the family is friendly and prosperous. But when it is problematic or does not exist at all, the child already in early childhood begins to suspect that he is not very welcome in this world.

People whose childhood was not characterized by prosperity grow up in different ways: someone wants to even out the situation, create a strong family, protect their children from what he himself had to endure. Many people are great at this. But there are also “negative characters” who, harboring a grudge against the whole world, turn into lonely and cruel wolves.

There are also people who, despite having a completely prosperous childhood, at some point something went wrong. For example, your parents divorced, your first love turned out to be unsuccessful, your best friend betrayed you.

And here it is very important to turn on your will, keep yourself afloat and not convince yourself that “everything is lost.” Otherwise, the complex of worthlessness and uselessness will overwhelm you. And behind him will come his faithful companion - depression. It will be much more difficult to swim out later. As you know, it is better to prevent trouble than to eliminate its destructive consequences later.

So what do I suggest?

Need some advice? Write your story I think I have very low self-esteem. I have two friends, although we rarely see each other. But when we walk together, I can’t relax, I constantly think about what I should say and what I could do to get their attention, to get approval and interest from them, at least some attention to myself, because it’s always At a minimum, they communicate more often together. They always interrupt me. In relation to other people who are interesting to me, it’s even worse. Instead of enjoying the conversation with them, I constantly think about what to say next so that there is no awkward silence, so that the person who spoke to me does not find me boring. I really envy people who have many friends, or at least a couple of friends, but they are loyal, who care about their problems, who are at least sometimes interested in their lives, and support them. People who are invited to go out, people with an attractive appearance who have a personal life, people whom people approach at least sometimes to get to know each other. I do not have that. I envy the happy people I see every day at school. Don’t think, I almost never complain to people about my problems, I try to be friendly, I keep all my experiences to myself. And if I tell someone, they don’t care. Sometimes it seems to me that no one needs me at all except my parents. They are the only ones who care about me the most. And I’m really afraid that this will happen all my life if I don’t change something about myself. Rate:

Kira, age: 16 / 09/14/2018
Responses:
Hello, Kira! Try to think not about yourself, how you look in the eyes of others, but to be sincerely interested in the other person, and then the words will come. If your communication does not continue, this happens. It's not your fault. Finding a soul mate is very difficult. Only one in a thousand, says Solomon, will become closer to you than brother and home, It is worth looking for him until the end of time, So that he does not fall to another. Nine hundred and ninety-nine others will see in you what the whole world sees, And the Thousand will not refuse his embrace, Even when the whole world says “no” to you. You think that others have many friends, but these are not friends, but friends. A difficult time will come and they will run away. You are very lucky with your parents; there are not many happy and complete families. Be grateful to fate for this. Unfortunately, everything is as you say: no one except our parents needs us with our problems. Other people have different problems and it’s hard for them themselves. Why should they solve other people's problems? Moreover, they are not able to do this. Only we ourselves can improve our lives.

Katerina, age: 24 / 09/17/2018

Hello Kira! I’m very glad for you that everything is not so bad for you, maybe everything is fine, or good)) Yes, you can correct some things, and then everything will be fine and even great. You need to learn to accept yourself, otherwise later in life you will encounter problems created by your inner discomfort from what may rightfully belong to you, your friends, your hobbies, tastes. After all, with low self-acceptance, it’s natural to squeeze everything for yourself. But there is no need to do this. It is very clear through your letter that other people’s opinions are important to you. Psychologists make very good money thanks to this incorrect attitude. I’ll explain this to you for free =) Frequent comparison becomes painful when you compare yourself with your competitors, those who are higher than you (in this case, who has a lot of friends, who already has boyfriends, who has what kind of fashionable things, gadgets, who went where and etc.). And at the same time, you take everything that you already have for granted. And you look at yourself as a failure. It is reasonable to listen to other people's opinions as a starting point and nothing more. You actually have your own unique set of all of this. And you can’t have everything at once. Has it ever occurred to you that when comparing with someone, you do it only on one fact that is obvious to you? But they don’t talk about other aspects of life; they prefer to hide it. In short, get rid of dependence on the opinions of others and you will see for yourself how calm you will be afterwards. And yet, has it ever occurred to you that what you envy is also envied by others, whom for some reason you mistakenly put above yourself? It doesn’t really matter who is more beautiful, who is richer, who is more successful, because in the end, the only thing that matters is whether you are happy. And are they happy? Did you know that Marilyn Monroe was a deeply unhappy person? External props do not bring happiness, it is inside. Therefore, accept everything that happens to you with ease, it is yours, unique. If you see that someone is kind of cool, then this does not add to his happiness. I even remember that residents of poor countries are happier than those in rich ones. It was all sorts of marketers who came up with the idea that you need to vacation abroad, wear an expensive watch, drive an expensive car, have expensive belongings for life, and you will be happy. Alas, this is not true. I’ll add something about my personal life, that at your age guys are still boys with the wind in their heads. They don't have anything definite there yet. They are not formed yet. Besides, I’ll tell you, today’s type of serious relationship at 15 years old is something that ten years ago was not the norm, only thanks to the Internet now everyone can see who is with whom, the younger ones look at the older ones and drool. And they want everything seriously, this is maximalism, but it is natural for a teenager. We just need to be a little more balanced about this. I would even say that we should move towards diverse communication in order to be sincerely interested in the interlocutor. I will say especially that not much real communication exists between people, MOST INFORMATION IS EXCHANGED, and when they communicate like that, don’t be too jealous. Not worth it. But communication, as one person I respect said, that in it we ourselves open up in our depths, we help others to open up in the same way, this is our feat, and this is where we must make efforts. (On the feat of communication by Archbishop Sergius of Prague) Somehow this topic of interest in others was interesting to me, I needed to study it. Especially the examples (I really needed this), I found a video and even wrote it down in my notebook, then read it. There were basics, tips, examples. This has helped me in my life. Look for the video “How to talk to people so they can hear you.” Another question about friendship, I once noticed that others probably don’t particularly like to listen to someone else’s problems. It's perceived as whining, or something. I would talk about problems only if there is potentially a possibility, or I am sure that this or that friend or acquaintance can offer something useful. Only in this case. Therefore, it is important to learn to solve problems. This will always come in handy. Then about interest, there was an interesting program “100 Questions for an Adult”, you can watch several episodes. Regarding appearance, as a guy, I’ll say this. Inner peace is important, it is important that you have something to talk about with a girl, but not superficially. Another “50 questions that will free your mind”, floating around the Internet, can help you with this. They judge you by their clothes, they judge you by their intelligence. And rightly so. It is important to work on your external image; no one will pay attention to your rich inner world at first glance. You, as an adult girl, admit that something needs to change. You're asking the right questions. The book "The 10 Stupidest Mistakes People Make." This may also be of interest. I wish you to become a happy person!

Konstantin, age: 28/09/24/2018

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Step-by-step instructions on what to do if no one needs you

Below are 9 steps to help you stop perceiving yourself as a stranger at this celebration of life. How to feel needed?

Steps	Description
Step 1.	Often a complex of lack of demand arises against the background of the absence of like-minded people. There is simply no one to appreciate you. Your task is to find those who can do this. There are professional communities on social networks where you can not only show what you are capable of, but also find your destiny. I recently attended the wedding of a wonderful artist and a talented sculptor. There are a lot of such stories. And if you haven’t yet discovered any talent in yourself, it’s never too late to do so.
Step 2.	If you realize that someone is vitally important to you, but this “someone” is indifferent to you, you need to turn on your self-esteem. Firstly, the fact of lack of reciprocity needs to be realized - preferably with a cool head. Secondly, you need to firmly explain to yourself: this is not your person. You made the mistake of mistaking him for yours and convincing yourself of this. And you need to be able to admit mistakes. And correct them too. Don't be a slob.
Step 3.	It is very important to feel your connection not only with people, but also with the worlds in general, with the starry sky, the sea, and nature in general. This gives a feeling of harmony. When you feel insufficiently needed and unappreciated, increase the number of walks. Turn on contemplative mode. It turns your thoughts in the right direction and is very calming.
Step 4.	Urgently engage in dialogue with your “inner child.” Support yourself, remember the best episodes of childhood, when you felt emotionally involved in the circle of your closest and dearest people. These dialogues are best conducted before going to bed and immediately after waking up, when the connection with the subconscious is strongest. The main task is to regain faith in yourself and that everything will gradually get better.
Step 5.	On the issue of the “inner child”. Don't keep negativity to yourself. If you find yourself in a “turbulence zone”, everything is falling out of your hands, it seems to you that you have disappointed someone, allow yourself to be sad. You can even cry. After all, children are very spontaneous in expressing feelings: they laugh when it’s funny, cry when they’re sad. That is why their psyche is harmonious and balanced. But you don’t need to cry for long, just to relieve the tension. Next we need to act.
Step 6.	Try to mope less and drive yourself into a state of depression. This can cause an addictive effect, when a person begins to get something like a masochistic high: the worse, the better. Feeling sorry for yourself for a long time is harmful. This is the lot of the weak. After this, you need to include self-irony. Well, look at yourself from the outside: who would need a sad woodpecker? But if a girl sits alone in a deserted park in a passive pose in the evening, this can turn into big trouble. Maniacs never sleep!
Step 7	Get a pet. Ideally a dog. It will quickly distract you from bad thoughts, fill your life with devotion and love, make you go for walks, even out your daily routine, and improve your sleep. Animals are the best psychotherapists. If you are not convinced of this yet, go ahead, it’s time! If you can’t get a dog yet, think about a kitten, ferret, Djungarian hamsters, or parrot. This is a very effective method.
Step 8	Look around. Maybe while you think that no one needs you, someone is waiting for you to pay attention to them? Don't lose touch with reality by plunging into your melancholic fantasies. Very often people suffer from imaginary problems that have nothing to do with reality. Don't stubbornly try to win the attention of those who reject you or don't notice you, look for those who really need you.
Step 9	It happens that, suffering from lack of demand and unfulfillment, a person behaves like a real egoist. Meanwhile, his closest people are impatiently waiting for “our boy” (or “our girl”) to finally remember them. Quick question: when was the last time you called your parents? Have you visited your grandparents?

What to do if you're tired of everything: 11 options

What to do if no one needs you?

Nobody needs a 40-year-old woman: what to do?

Nobody needs a 40-year-old woman: forget about age and move beyond
40 years - this is the age that is considered critical. That is why, having never met a life partner, or having experienced all the hardships of an unsuccessful marriage, many ladies feel a feeling of “not being needed by anyone.” Moreover, the fact that youth is already behind us, and with it bright, interesting events and meetings, stirs the soul.

What should a 40+ if no one needs her? How to overcome mental anguish? Here are some tips:

Forget about age:

Where, in fact, did the cliché come from that a girl must (necessarily) get married at the age of 18-20 , and the age of 23-25 is already considered “the last carriage of the departing train”?
Stop thinking about these conventions.
In fact, the passport number cannot in any way influence a person’s ability to find happiness.
Therefore, it is better to hide your identity document away. Force yourself to forget this damn number.

Get yourself in order:

It concerns both the way of thinking and appearance.
Of course, not all ladies have the financial opportunity to regularly visit beauty salons or buy things from boutiques. This is not at all necessary.
The main thing is to look neat and attractive.
Who said that men are only interested in young 18-year-old beauties? There are many counterexamples.
With a positive way of thinking and at least minimal self-care, a forty-year-old woman can still give a head start to the younger ones. This can be said with confidence, both in the case of older men and their peers, and with younger men.

Find the joy of life:

It is worth learning to see the positive in every day you live.
Even if it seems that there is no reason for this at all. It's difficult, but possible. Otherwise, the feeling of boredom and despondency will continue to torment you.

Self-improvement and personal growth:

Many representatives of the fair sex still carry remnants of the Soviet past. They say that the main purpose of a woman is to give birth to children, that a girl is good only when she is young, etc.
Challenge yourself to think differently. Convince yourself that you are an interesting and positive person who attracts people like a magnet, then the results will not be long in coming.
If you are not sure of your “interestingness,” you should become so.
The age after 35 (especially when alone) is an excellent opportunity to “make up for lost time due to your turbulent youth” and engage in self-development.
Also a great option is sports and health, and you will become more attractive and prolong your life.
A healthy body means not only a healthy mind, but also positive thinking.
You can do spiritual practices like yoga. This has a beneficial effect on the personality, making it developed and multifaceted.
In addition, if at the age of 18 many people look at a pretty face and a slender figure, then later people begin to be judged precisely by their charisma, aura, actions, and character.
Of course, it’s nice when at 40 years old a woman is healthy, fit and optimistic about life - but at the same time, it’s worth becoming an interesting person.

If you feel like no one needs you, work on yourself.
Leave the house more often:

Many ladies feel bored, but at the same time they are recluses.
After all, in order for new acquaintances to appear, you need to go outside the door more often.
As a last resort, create pages on social networks and try to make acquaintances there, and then “transfer” them to reality.

Leave the idea that you can only communicate with equals:

Your social circle should be diverse.
Therefore, if you are interested not with your peers, but with those who are ten years younger, you should not regard this as a crime.
Forget about age, have courage, and communicate.
If there are many common topics with a person, if communication brings joy, the age difference will not be visible.
Also, you should not have a complex and be afraid to talk to those who are older (they say, they will think that you are a grandmother). Just because you talk to someone older, you definitely won’t turn into an old lady.

Get a cat or dog – but don’t get carried away:

In addition to pets, life must include communication with people.

Find interlocutors and interlocutors yourself:

Visit cinemas and theaters.
Join a fitness club, start (as far as financially possible) regularly visiting a nail salon and hairdresser (where you can find a decent number of people to talk to), try to live life to the fullest.
After all, for the most part, those who sit within four walls feel lonely.

Take an example from celebrities:

Yes, it's likely that you won't be able to afford the outfits of Monica Bellucci or Penelope Cruz, but start looking at the world through their eyes.
Looking at different kinds of stars, you will be convinced that the age of 40, 50 and even 60 years is not the end of life.
Even if a woman is “far from 20”, this is not a sign that she cannot be attractive and interesting.
What matters is what you exude.
Be confident, positive and inviting - this will have an effect on both potential girlfriends and members of the opposite sex.
It's time to make miracles a reality.

As you can see, forty years for a woman is not a reason to give up and worry about “coming old age” and “being of no use to anyone.” After all, the main thing is how old you feel. If, having put her health in order, having found harmony with the world and herself, a woman radiates positivity, kindness and wins people over, then she will definitely not have a feeling of loneliness.