Many parents would like to stop yelling at their children, they even read smart articles, they seem to understand everything - but often they cannot restrain themselves. It turns out that in situations where mothers (more often than not they) break into a scream, they themselves desperately need help, they cannot cope and literally scream about their unmet needs. Which ones?
He can't hear unless you raise your voice
Some people, when talking to foreigners, begin to speak louder and wave their arms to be heard. This rarely affects understanding. Perhaps the baby really doesn’t hear some of your requests. You repeat one, two, five, and he only hears if you start screaming.
And then you should know how children's concentration works. And to be honest, so is the concentration of any person. It is normal to do some thing, think some thought or experience some feeling and do nothing else. Even if it's picking your nose, eating a peach, sucking a pacifier. Even if it’s the thought of what would happen if you stuck your tongue down the neck of a bottle. It seems to you that the child is not busy with anything, when in fact he is completely concentrated on something that does not matter to you.
Perhaps you are used to doing fifteen things at once. Are these things about you?
- You fall asleep wondering what you need to do tomorrow.
- You have sex while thinking that you need to buy new bedside tables.
- You listen to the person, but you only think about what you will answer when he stops talking.
- You sit on the phone, walk with your child, prepare food, while feeding.
And this is all good. We have to do a lot, and then we have to combine and cram something into a limited time. But the question is: is there a time in our everyday life when we fully concentrate on something? Is there a time when we just stay within ourselves and our feelings? And not in planning or action? Because until we give ourselves the opportunity to be slow, we are not able to accept this in a child.
So the next time you say something to your baby and he won't hear you, try to notice this miracle of child concentration. Try to be amazed by the inclusion and cheerfulness that is in him. And you can see that it is very important for him to finish something before you ask him for something else.
I lash out at my wife, I can’t contain my aggression
Hello, My name is Kim, I am 28 years old and I came to this forum for advice. I feel that I need help, because I myself cannot cope with my problem.
Lately I've been lashing out at my wife a lot. I become irritable over all sorts of little things, absolutely trivial things make me angry, I cannot keep my emotions under control. At such moments, I use my last strength to restrain myself from assault, which, fortunately, has not happened so far.
Half a year ago our wonderful daughter was born. Because all our relatives are in other cities, we have absolutely no time for personal life, for recreation and for personal interests. I go to work, my wife stays at home with the child. Our child is wonderful, but he requires a lot of attention, and in the evening he is often capricious, so after work I have to devote almost all my time to him. The wife does not sit still - she tries to do all the household chores and, of course, at least put herself in order a little after another busy day. My personal time appears only late in the evening, usually closer to ten o'clock. I am in constant tension due to the fact that I simply don’t have enough time for my personal interests: I can’t play sports, I can’t study (I study at the university as a correspondence student), I can’t devote time to my hobbies and other things. I in no way want to say that my wife finds time for this - things are even worse for her, because at least I go to work and have a little variety in these identical everyday life. Before the birth of the child, such a problem, naturally, did not exist. I've been nervous before, but it never came to such bouts of rage. And, to be honest, I just can’t get used to the fact that now I have absolutely no personal time. I am very happy that we have a baby, but I just can’t come to terms with the constant lack of time.
Recently, my younger sister became very ill - she was diagnosed with cancer, at that time she was 16. She celebrated her last two birthdays in the hospital. I have a very close relationship with her despite the age difference. A year has passed and her treatment continues to this day. She lives in another city with her parents, so she gets to see each other very rarely. Before the birth of the child, I tried to visit her at least once every two weeks, but now this happens very rarely. I constantly worry that I can't be there for her when she needs it. Sometimes I think that I should at least temporarily return to my hometown, live next to her, so that I can see her as often as possible. But my wife, unfortunately, will not approve of this proposal: here we both have good jobs, but there we will have to start all over again. This doesn’t scare me, but my wife, naturally, with the arrival of a small child, does not want to take such risks. And she has a circle of friends here, which she also doesn’t want to lose. In a word, I'm trying to tear myself apart: I want to be with my sister and with my family. Naturally, it is not possible to combine everything, because the constant lack of time, and sometimes money, simply does not allow us to solve all the problems at the same time. I constantly blame myself for not being able to be with my sister and parents in these difficult moments.
Mom’s health is also not so good, and dad has problems at work. Earnings are no longer what they used to be, so parents often lack money. Everyone's nerves are on edge. My wife and I try to help them as much as we can, because with my sister’s illness, expenses have increased several times (treatment, recovery). Previously, my parents never had problems with income, but lately financial difficulties have taken them by surprise more and more often. Moreover, all this happened literally at the same time as we learned about my wife’s pregnancy. I admit that I just wasn't ready for it.
Now I am studying in my third year of distance learning, next year I will have a diploma thesis. Even before, I didn’t always devote enough time to studying, and after the birth of my daughter, I completely stopped doing my homework. A lot of debts accumulated and there was a risk that I simply would not be able to graduate from university. I constantly think about this, but I often have neither the energy nor the time for homework. In the month of May, I thought that in the summer I would be able to get rid of my debts and go to my last year with peace of mind, but for 2 months of the summer I never took up my textbooks. To be honest, in light of all these events, I simply cannot bring myself to do my homework.
At work I have to constantly keep my emotions to myself, because I work in a large international company and no one here allows themselves to become emotional. Everyone behaves rather reservedly and conservatively, so I often bring home all the negativity from past meetings. I am afraid of losing my job, because I still do not have a higher education, and I am unlikely to be able to get a similar position without education. As a result, I am often forced to restrain my emotions and keep my opinions to myself, because I simply don’t want to be left without work with a small child and a mortgage for an apartment. I think about this quite often and it stresses me out.
All these factors put pressure on my nervous system. Lately, my outbursts of aggression have gone beyond all permitted limits. I'm ashamed to say this, but I started yelling at my wife insanely loudly, using all kinds of unpleasant language. And all this happens in front of a small child. In the evenings, when the child cries and I can’t calm him down, I try my best to restrain myself so as not to yell at him. Intellectually, I understand perfectly well that this is a small child who requires attention and care. But in the evening I’m tired myself, so emotions take precedence over reason. As a result, all this anger spills out on the wife. Several times already I caught myself thinking that I was actually ready to hit her during the next outburst of aggression. I put all the swear words on her, although she asked me many times not to swear in front of the child. Absolutely insignificant things can infuriate me, for example, the stroller does not want to fit into the trunk of the car. Or, for example, we are going to go for a walk with the child and my wife takes longer to get ready than I would like. Last night I yelled at her because the child was being naughty while she was washing the dishes. At that moment, I thought that she had been washing the dishes for too long and should have calmed the child long ago, because I couldn’t do it. I yelled at my wife, then I lulled the child to sleep, and when my wife asked me to put the child in bed, I simply began to insult her and try to explain to her that I was great like that, and she was just a worthless woman. Although in fact I don’t think so, on the contrary, I’m very pleased with how she copes with her new responsibilities.
Literally half an hour later I cool down and realize my guilt 100%. I immediately try to ask for forgiveness, try to hug her and sleep closer to her. The next day I come to work and constantly replay this situation in my head, realizing how much I was wrong. I will definitely write her a message asking her to forgive me and give her a hundred promises that in the future I will try to restrain myself in such situations. I only have enough for one day. A little time passes and I again snap at her over some trifle, although I understand perfectly well that she is no less tired than I am and is doing everything possible. Moreover, she tolerates all my outbursts of aggression every day. I am sure that anyone else in her place would have long ago packed her things and gone to live anywhere, just not to live with someone as nervous as me. I feel incredibly ashamed of moments like this and feel like an insignificance. I tell myself that this will never happen again, that I will never utter a single swear word at home again, but after a few days everything happens again and again. At work I don’t swear at all, but at home during quarrels I simply cannot restrain myself from swearing. It seems to me that there are no words better than swear words that will help me describe my feelings and thoughts at these moments. I have already tried many times to find solutions by reading expert advice on various forums. Some people advise counting to ten before you want to explode, but for me the explosion is ahead of my mind. Someone advises drinking motherwort or valerian, but took a course of Xanax - it did not give any result.
And, what’s most offensive, after literally half an hour I really realize that I’m wrong. I begin to blame myself for once again causing a scandal in front of my daughter, who certainly should not see such things. Before the birth of my daughter, I made promises to myself that after her birth everything would change and I would never allow myself to scream, much less swear in her presence. Now she is half a year old and I still haven’t been able to change myself for the better - it’s only getting worse. I'm afraid to think that soon she will be a year old and she will understand everything that her inadequate dad is shouting to her mother throughout the apartment. I love my wife very much and am sincerely grateful to her for everything she does for me. And any other man would not be able to find a single reason to pour out as much dirt on her as I can pour out because of some next trifle. It’s hard to believe, but my wife is a very calm girl, very restrained and well-mannered, during the 6 years of our relationship she has never yelled at me. Moreover, she extremely rarely provokes any quarrels. I'm afraid that one day she'll just say she doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. Even worse, I can’t restrain myself and hit her, which I can never forgive myself for. Once, in anger, I slapped her on the head and it was clear that she was scared. I myself did not expect this from myself, because I always told everyone that only scum can lay hands on women and children, and now I myself am one step away from this. After that incident, I was incredibly ashamed in front of her, because She was absolutely not to blame, and I just once again could not keep my emotions under control, moreover, I hurt her.
In fits of rage, I want to break furniture, I want to punch everything that is nearby. During the European Football Championship, I was unable to watch the match because we had to bathe the child, which also drove me crazy: I slammed the closet door so hard that it flew off its hinges, and then threw the baby bathtub into the bathroom with roar. As a result, we quarreled again, but literally after 20 minutes I cooled down and went to screw the cabinet door back. I understand that this sounds funny, but at that moment I simply rudely expressed to her a bunch of complaints about the fact that we could go bathe the child a little later, knowing full well about the importance of the children's regime. Several times I thought about hanging a punching bag at home - maybe it would help me get rid of unnecessary nervousness. Sometimes I am serious that I will end my life in a psychiatric clinic, because Every time it gets worse and worse. Moreover, I constantly promise myself and my wife that this time was 100% the last, but everything happens again and again. Before I met my wife, I quit smoking, but now I want to start more and more often. I constantly catch myself thinking that I really miss this, but I understand with my mind that once I start again, I will never be able to stop.
It’s probably worth adding that this doesn’t happen every day. Quite often we spend our days calmly, go to visit our parents, go for a walk with the child, do some ordinary things and without conflicts. That is, everything is still not as bad as it might seem from all of the above. But things will definitely get worse if I can't change. Tomorrow our daughter turns six months old and I made another promise to myself that from now on I will try to change my behavior and, at least, try not to swear like a shoemaker.
I'm afraid of losing my family and ending up in a mental hospital. It seems to me that my nervous system is at its limit and I am close to a real nervous breakdown, which will entail treatment in the hospital. I am an absolutely sane, very responsible person who loves his family and is aware of the seriousness of the problem. That's why I came here, shared my situation with you and would like to get at least some practical advice that will really help me become a normal person like I was a few years ago.
I will appreciate any help and useful information!
PS Sorry for such a long text, I just decided to state the essence of the problem as clearly as possible.
It prevents us from taking care of ourselves
Screaming is aggression. We can be aggressive to restore our boundaries. If it seems to us that we are becoming scarce, our resources are at their limit, our psyche signals danger. And we begin to defend ourselves, to conquer our limits.
But then, if we yell at a child, we are yelling at the wrong place. He is unable to take care of us. First of all, we ourselves are capable.
Ask yourself now. Am I really unable to sleep anymore? Is there really no way to eat better, eat more greens and less pasta and meat? Am I drinking enough water? Do I go for walks often? Do I ventilate the apartment? Do I at least give myself a self-massage? Do I touch myself at all? Or am I in bodily hunger and only others touch me?
It is important to understand that the child really prevents you from taking care of yourself. Quite often he breaks into your plans. And it’s normal to be angry with him at this moment. There is no need to consider yourself a bad mother for this.
But how you express that anger is your responsibility. And the answer to the question “Is it only the child that prevents you from taking care of yourself?” may also help to look at the problem from a different perspective.
What happens to the psyche of a child who is shouted at?
The screaming test is a constant stress to which the human body reacts. If a child is constantly shouted at, as a rule, there are two possible options for changing his psyche and behavior in the future.
The first option: the child learns to scream back. And already at bus stops, in shops, at home and at a party, parents who did not expect the child to scream in response to a remark or request are in shock. The child learns a pattern of behavior and yells not only at his parents, but also at his peers, friends, and adults. That's how he defends himself.
Second option: the child becomes quiet, silent, withdrawn. He is afraid of any raised tone, and even more so of screaming. Will do everything to please, as long as not to provoke anger. He will have a constant feeling of guilt and hidden aggression will accumulate.
In both cases, personality traits such as aggressiveness, anxiety, self-doubt, lack of independence, and isolation are formed. In some cases, nervous and mental disorders may occur: enuresis, insomnia, nervous tics. If a child is a leader by nature, then shouting can stimulate him to openly aggressive actions.
It is a mistake to think that a child will grow up and understand everything and forget how his parents shouted at him. This is wrong. Childhood impressions are the strongest.
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The child is our mirror
Children can show us a lot of things that we don't accept about ourselves. They are loud and lively, spontaneous, unashamed, they are gentle and love their body.
They know how to ask. They know how to ask for a lot. They know how to demand. They know how to say no. They can yell, expressing themselves without embarrassment.
They are being stupid. They are naive. They are sometimes clumsy. They are weak and fragile. They are vulnerable and open. They know how to love and how to become attached. They know how to trust. They want to feel physical contact with mom. They consider their mother good, no matter what she does.
And we may not accept all this within ourselves. And when we look at a child, we look at what is in us, but we have hidden it. We would really like to turn away and not see, but fear is more difficult to bear than anger. And then we shout: “Stop being like that!”
Why does a child constantly cry?
Let's start with the fact that tears are normal. This is actually very good. Tears are a way of emotional release. And it’s normal to cry at any age, especially as a child. It is much easier for adults to return themselves to a resource state. We have a million ways to do this. For example, sex, a cupcake and a fully formed brain and psyche. We can tell ourselves “Stop! Stop whining! Take action!” We have a button to turn off the tantrums and tears.
Children do not have this button. It is not given out at birth in a place with tears and whims. She appears much later. But our children have an “ON” button. and it sometimes works instantly and very often. Until about 6 years of age, the self-control function is completely absent. What the child feels is what he expresses. Sometimes with stomping feet, banging your head on the floor, wallowing and moaning. There are a lot of emotions, but not enough words to express them. Only for some reason, when a child begins to walk, we begin to think that he already understands everything and now is definitely trying to drive us crazy with his whims and tears.
But that's not true. For example, you knew that at birth, a baby’s brain functions only at 15% and all its possible ways of expressing desires are crying. Oh yes, he can also instinctively clench his fists when he is hungry and relax if he has eaten and is satisfied with life. If you learn to understand why a newborn baby cries, then you will be able to do the same. Moreover, by school the child already uses his brain by 50%, by adolescence by 80%. But, mind you, everything is still not at 100. The formation of the psyche and brain continues.
Up to 3.5 years - hysterics with physical actions (knocking, screaming, kicking and punching, falling on the floor) are considered the norm.
A child crying at 5-7 years old is normal.
Tears in adolescence are normal
Adults, boys and girls cry is the norm.
If the body frees itself from negativity in this way, this is the norm. In addition, with tears, as it turned out, not only stress is released from the body, but also toxins. Great, right?
If your one-year-old baby suddenly began to very loudly and persistently demand that all his requests be fulfilled, know that he is not hysterical. He experiences the world. This is exactly what is happening to my grandson now. This magical little optimist begins to slowly torment his mother. But he doesn’t do this on purpose and not in order to drive her crazy. He saw how many interesting things there were around, he wanted to touch it, smell it, taste it, and sometimes bite it and eat it. Why do children cry at one year old and demand loudly? This is all just because they don’t know how to speak and don’t understand that not everything that seems beautiful to them is safe for them. This period will soon pass and the demands will end.
If tears always turn into hysterics and this happens every day, and the child is already more than 3.5 years old, it may be a matter of his health and contact a specialist. A neurologist can help you find the answer to the question why a child cries so often.
He doesn't let mom be an excellent student
For example, until I was thirty, I was an excellent student, received a diploma with honors, my superiors praised me, I was on the honor board, and now I’m a mother and there are no standards, GOSTs or grades.
And my son or daughter testifies to this to me around the clock. “Look, you didn’t give birth yourself, but through Caesarean section. Look, you couldn't breastfeed or you don't like it. Look, I’m sick, and you can’t cure me right this minute. Look, I’m not sleeping with you, but your friend’s baby is sleeping.”
If the assessment of others is important to a woman, motherhood can become unbearably hard work for her, because she really needs to do a lot, but often no one sees it. Nobody gives out medals. And then the child angers such a mother.
Difficulties in adult life
All parents are not perfect. And throughout his childhood, the child experiences severe stress more than once, receives mental trauma, and this can negatively affect his entire life. As an adult, he may encounter the following problems:
- isolation, loneliness;
- fear of superiors and authority figures;
- will not be able to say “no” and set boundaries;
- will try to please everyone;
- does not believe in himself, his strength;
- has difficulty making decisions;
- chooses a partner who will suppress him;
- more susceptible to addictions.
It is important not just to read all this, but to imagine and understand it. Then this article will really be useful and you will want to scream at the baby less and less. After all, unpleasant images of possible consequences will flash before your eyes.
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But we are all not perfect and often feel guilty after what has already happened, we want to fix everything.
We get angry at others, but we yell at the child
We can leak what was not intended for him. What was intended for the husband, relatives, people on the Internet, doctors at the clinic. There they were rude and offended. But for some reason we were unable to answer. We were scared, confused, couldn’t find the words, and got used to not answering.
But the charge has not gone away, and therefore it is often placed in the only safe relationship - in the relationship with the child. If this happens regularly, and the mother takes out her aggression on the child, then the child becomes the mother’s parent, that is, the roles change. But to do this, he has to break down in some way.
Over time, such a child can become comfortable, helpful, and reasoning in a very mature way. He may lie a lot, this will become his way of coping with reality and his mother’s inadequacy. He can get sick, and often these are some kind of systemic diseases related to the immune system, hormones, and skin.
To avoid this, we need to develop two things. Firstly, awareness to be able to notice who we are really angry with. And secondly, toothiness.
If you are conflict-free, if you never yell at other people, if you are silent and do not answer your mother, if you always obey your mother-in-law, even if you disagree, if your husband insults you and you are silent and do not react, then you need to learn reply. You need to feel like you can respond.
Because you are an adult. Because you have the right to defend your point of view. Because you can't be treated like that, even if you're wrong. And for this you need to notice that you are big. That you are an adult. You are no longer a child on whom you can throw anything. And you won’t do this to your child either.
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The child seems to be pulling a scream out of his mother on purpose
Very often our children begin to misbehave and behave inconveniently for us when they lack attention. And in many families this model has been “debugged”. I behave well - my mother does her business and doesn’t pay attention. Accordingly, in order to attract attention, you need to do something noticeable that knocks her out of her emotional absence. Only now she reacts in a strange way - she screams. But for a child, this, surprisingly, feels safer and more pleasant than being ignored. This is an inverted form of intimacy, to put it simply.
If this sounds like you, then look at how much quality time you give your baby. Perhaps you sit with him all day, feed him, walk him, but are not involved, are not in contact. And it seems to you that you never left, but for him you were not there most of the day.
How to understand why a child is crying: 10 reasons for children's tears
There is always a reason for any tears. And there are simply an incredible number of them. Even adults sometimes cry from the imperfection of the world, from resentment and fatigue, when it turns out that the world does not want to live up to our expectations. Imagine how relevant all this is for children who are just beginning to learn about this world. And the world does not always open up to them from a fairy-tale side.
Tears and hysterics are always the result of experiencing some emotions, sensations and the consequences of actions from the outside. Behavior is just the tip of the iceberg we see.
- Someone offended 2. Something was not given or not allowed (anger) 3. They are forced to do something that the child does not want to do 4. Fatigue 5. Takes an example from parents. Is everything good in your family, what is the relationship between mom and dad? How do you communicate with children? Think about it, is it not you? 6. The child does not know how to behave correctly. I haven’t had time to form the correct model yet, or I haven’t learned yet. 7. I considered my mother’s condition. Mom walks around all in her gloomy thoughts (a lot of work, she’s tired, her husband doesn’t understand, there’s not enough money, the children are sick). Mom is on the verge of a nervous breakdown. And children are our little radars. They feel everything about their mother, the closest and dearest person. And they really want mom to be in a good mood. And then, on a subconscious level, the desire to help her free herself from negativity and stress is triggered. The child begins to cry, become hysterical and... Mom’s patience is coming to an end. Mom screams, swears, does not know why the child is crying. Mom is letting off steam. Thanks to the child's tantrum. 8. Excessive emotionality. A child can even cry from happiness. Or because he watched a pitiful cartoon or saw a sick little kitten on the street, and he felt sorry for it. This is good. Be glad that you have such a sensitive child who is so sensitive to what is happening around him. For many, this stays for life. Admit that you, too, blink away a stingy tear when watching a touching film. 9. Health conditions can also be the cause of frequent tears and hysterics. A banal lack of vitamins or the presence of parasites in the body, other hidden problems. Take a blood test and consult with your doctor. 10. Developed a habit of hysteria. And who helped him with this? Right! Parents who reacted the wrong way to all the crying and tantrums when they weren't so common.
We think we can make rules by shouting.
Often people, especially the older generation, say this: “If you don’t scold him, he will grow up ill-mannered.” Or: “The boy needs discipline!” Or even worse: “Even the Bible says that if you love, you must punish.”
Let's be straight forward. A child really needs boundaries, discipline and upbringing. It is true that punishment is sometimes necessary. But screaming is not punishment. Screaming is not education. Screaming is the parent’s inability to contain his emotions.
This behavior does not provide support for the child; in this form, he is not able to grasp the correct cause-and-effect relationships. For example, if a baby does not put away toys, he is not allowed to get others - this is understandable, this is a support, this is a plus for him, although he may be dissatisfied. And if the mother screams because of the mess, then the child learns not to create cleanliness, but to take care of his safety by making his mother like him.
Which of these points resonated with you? And let's go further - we can't stop at identifying needs. Just knowing what I want to eat is not enough. Even understanding what exactly I want to eat is also not enough to stop being hungry. You need to get up, walk to the food and start eating it. Therefore, your task is to describe how you will now satisfy the needs that you discovered today.
