Each person experiences divorce in their own way: for some it is a tragedy when the ground suddenly disappears from under their feet, for others it is a long-awaited liberation from destructive and suffocating relationships, for others it is a face-to-face meeting with all everyday difficulties, the need to independently resolve material issues , for the fourth - a simple legal formality, since the relationship has been gone for a long time. One thing is universal: after a divorce, any person experiences loss and feels vulnerable.
In a long-term relationship, more than 3-4 years, spouses get used to each other, build a common life, distribute family roles, resolve issues of having and raising children, professional development, and make joint plans. All this subordinates the lifestyle of a married woman or a married man to a certain family rhythm. Even in relationships full of various types of violence, there is a rhythm, which also creates some conditional feeling of stability, especially during the “honeymoon”, when everything is fine. This is why a person who has just experienced a separation or divorce has a feeling of emptiness that was previously filled with the experience of “we are a family.” No, I’m not talking about a neurotic fusion with a partner and the acute experience of rejection after a breakup, but about the loss of this holistic feeling. The inertia of the habit of “being in a relationship” is so great that it can push you to look for another partner, although this decision may be very premature.
Why do I, as a psychologist, think that after a breakup/divorce you should wait for a new relationship?
End previous relationships
If you moved your things to another apartment, put a divorce stamp in your passport, or officially announced the separation on social networks, this does not mean that the relationship is over.
They continue while you return to the situation over and over again, look through photos, spy on your ex-love on the Internet. You won’t be able to quickly forget about the past; this will take some time. When a flower is transplanted into another pot, at first it withers in the new conditions, even though there is more space and better soil. He needs time to adjust and blossom. People are more complex, so you need it too.
Focus on taking care of yourself first and take your time. Move at your own pace. If you don't get over the pain of your previous relationship, a new one will only add to your problems.
Before starting a new relationship after a divorce or separation, wait a little. Or a lot - it depends on how hard the breakup was for you. In my opinion, if a relationship lasted several years, then you should start building a new one no earlier than a year after the breakup.
Oleg Ivanov, psychologist, conflict specialist, head of the Center for Resolution of Social Conflicts
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A relationship crisis can affect any couple. It doesn’t matter at all how long they lived together, what kind of love they have, and whether they have children.
Unfortunately, none of us is immune from misunderstandings. In some families, such a crisis can even end in divorce if the couple does nothing to save their marriage.
Sometimes it is much easier for a man to leave his family than to fight for a relationship. Only after a while does he begin to think about how to get his wife back after a divorce, and whether it can be done at all.
If a man still wonders, even for a split second, how to get his ex-wife back, then all is not lost. You need to take active steps to restore your family happiness and well-being.
Recover from injury
Breaking up a relationship is traumatic for both parties involved. It doesn’t matter who initiated it, why you broke up, or whether there are reasons for joy and relief. It will hurt. Putting on a brave face and pretending you don't care is not the best choice. Ignoring the problem cannot heal mental wounds.
It is necessary to restore yourself, starting with basic needs. First, establish a sleep and nutrition routine. As soon as the basic segments return to normal, you can begin to move towards communication with loved ones. Don't rush to make new acquaintances right away. First you need to feel the ground under your feet again and lick your wounds next to those with whom you can be vulnerable and from whom you can receive love and care. And only after that, gradually go out into society and add new hobbies and activities.
Nadezhda Efremova, psychotherapist
Work on your self-esteem
Breaking up hurts your self-esteem. You may doubt your attractiveness, scold yourself for not being able to maintain the relationship, and feel guilty. All this makes you vulnerable. You can rush into a new relationship to prove to yourself and your past love that you are still great. Or, conversely, be afraid that no one will love you anymore, and start dating just anyone.
After the end of a relationship, a person is often overcome by the fear of loneliness, the inability to live without someone’s support. Such fears are mostly irrational and can be overcome quite easily when communicating with a psychologist. The first thing you need to realize is that no one is irreplaceable and there is absolutely always the opportunity to find a more suitable partner.
Andrey Smirnov, psychotherapist
It is possible that you will not be looking for a person, but for a function - someone who will help you forget, survive, and become different from your past love. And it’s not a fact that such relationships will help you recover and be productive.
Many people are so unable to withstand the pain of a breakup that they almost immediately decide to move into a new relationship. This story is very much like walking on thin ice. And in fact, there is no resource in it - continuous internal tension. Starting a new relationship from a state where everything hurts and bleeds is like running with a broken leg and pretending you're fine.
Nadezhda Efremova
When you leave a long-term relationship, it takes time to understand the new rules of the game. You haven’t flirted seriously for a long time, you’ve gotten older. The old templates no longer work. We'll have to figure out what has changed in the world and how Tinder works.
Divorce for a woman
Attention! The articles describe typical ways to resolve legal issues, but each case is unique. If you want to find out how to solve your particular problem - and get a free consultation:
The initiative to destroy a marriage in most cases belongs to the homemakers. Basically, when patience has already run out, and it is not possible to establish a personal life with your husband. Despite the conditional preparation, divorce takes a serious toll on psychological health. And there is no one who rushes into a free life shouting: “Hurray!”, no matter how unsuccessful the marriage and bad the man. Even with preparation, it is difficult to establish a personal life.
Some women, having experienced the difficulties of divorce, lose trust and respect for the entire male family and decide not to arrange their personal lives anymore.
Which, of course, is wrong. They devote themselves entirely to their offspring. Children are a great blessing. But what happens when they grow up and fly out of the nest? And there is no point in burying yourself ahead of time. Everyone wants to improve their personal life and find love after a divorce. Some people have a fickle lover, which is also wrong. Love is an important aspect and if it is not there, it is impossible to feel happy.
Over time, a man will definitely appear with whom you want to meet, fall in love and even marry. Recommendations from experts will tell you how to improve your personal life.
Learn to live alone
In a long relationship, you somehow get used to your partner, somewhere giving in to him, somewhere giving up your desires and habits. Loneliness is a great opportunity to return to the original version of yourself. It will not be possible to reset your personality to basic settings, and this is not necessary: you have matured, gained experience and changed. Now you can afford to decide on your own desires, plans and aspirations without regard to your partner’s opinion.
The theory of halves sounds nice. But it’s better to come into a relationship whole and build it with an equally self-sufficient partner.
Before starting a new relationship, take care of your own well-being, career, and health. If a person is successful and independent, a queue of potential partners forms for him. And he slowly chooses with whom he is more comfortable. So after the end of the relationship, it is best to live without a partner for some time and strengthen your own position. This does not mean that you need to abandon all meetings. They provide great emotional support, even if they do not lead to the creation of relationships.
Andrey Smirnov
Work on bugs
There is usually a reason for a breakup, even if you separated peacefully and without tragedy. To avoid repeating the same mistakes in your next relationship, you need to understand where you took a wrong turn. Moreover, this is not at all about reshaping oneself to a generally accepted standard. On the contrary, you have to understand yourself and accept yourself in order to choose more suitable people.
Ideally, no matter how trivial it may sound, you should go to a psychologist or psychotherapist to sort this out together with a specialist. Very often, a break in a relationship follows a repeating scenario. And working together with a psychologist will help you find and understand the internal reasons that draw you into this scenario and trigger destructive relationships.
Alexander Bodrov, consultant psychologist, coach
In addition, pay attention to possible mistakes in interaction with your partner. There are things that are easy to learn. But many people ignore them because they simply don’t think that it was possible. For example, it is not necessary to demand telepathic abilities from your partner, and then be offended that he could not read thoughts. If you accept that this is impossible and express your desires and feelings, life will become much easier.
To protect yourself from repeating the previous scenario, you need to take time to work on your mistakes. For example, to realize where the merger occurred and which of the partners completely dissolved themselves in the other. Maybe at some point they were too lazy to talk about the conflict, and the breakup is just the result of a resentment that did not find a way out. After a detailed analysis, you can see the points that need adjustment. If you don’t do this, then you can, with the grace of a hippopotamus, run into a similar relationship and go to a new round of the same scenario, just with a different person.
Nadezhda Efremova
Overall, it is important to remember that everyone is different and the way you interact with a new partner will be different.
With a new person, ordinary techniques and habits will not work. There is no need to communicate with him in the same way as you are used to talking with your ex-husband or wife. Don’t idealize your new partner; try to see a real person with all his strengths and weaknesses.
Oleg Ivanov
What to do if you still have feelings for your ex-spouse?
In a difficult situation, when the marriage has already been completed, but feelings remain, you need to be able to make the right decision in time and stick to it. If you feel that your ex-husband is dear to you, you can try to restore your relationship with him. This will not be easy; you cannot blackmail your husband with your feelings and manipulate him, threatening to deprive him of meetings with your children. Please note that the past cannot be returned and the relationship with the same person will be completely new if there are past negative experiences.
If you decide to follow the decision to the end, but you still have feelings, try to limit yourself to friendly relations, focusing on the good things that happened between you.
In this case, you may need the help of a professional psychologist to find out why you are so drawn to your ex-husband, is it love or a desire to return to your usual comfort zone. Perhaps you have a damaged sense of self-esteem. A psychologist will tell you how to get rid of this addiction and start a new, happy, eventful, interesting life.
Don't focus on relationships
Don't make finding new love an end in itself. Even if you've done a lot of work on yourself, pursuing a relationship for the sake of a relationship is a strange idea.
At first, I generally recommend not focusing on looking for a serious relationship. It is much more important to believe in yourself again, feel wanted, and increase your self-esteem. It is important to gain new experience and remember forgotten communication skills with the opposite sex. Learn to trust. For now, there will be enough smooth, calm relationships (not necessarily love), thanks to which your life will become better.
Oleg Ivanov
How did you cope with the breakups? Share your experience in the comments.
Psychology of an ex-wife: jealousy and revenge
It happens that spouses lose interest in each other. If there are no children in this marriage, if they have nothing to share, then everything is simple: they leave and everyone lives their own lives.
However, these are not all the points of intersection between men and women. There are years that they lived together, there are mutual friends.
You cannot offer your friends the choice “either me or her,” thereby putting them in an awkward position. If there was no great resentment during the separation, if you meet your ex-wife on the street and do not feel nervous, if you are not tormented by memories of your life together, then it is quite possible to continue communicating with her, but on a slightly different level.
Over time, many ex-spouses are able to maintain friendly relations, or create the appearance of them. Rejoice for the happy life of your “ex” in your new family.
