Some people are looking for a life partner and suffer from loneliness, while other individuals, on the contrary, do their best to avoid such a dense invasion into their lives. They are frightened not only by marriage bonds, but also by any dependence on representatives of the opposite sex, of a love nature. Such individuals themselves may not realize that they are susceptible to intimate phobia. Intimophobia refers to both the fear of long-term emotional relationships and close intimate contact.
Acquired ailments
Intimophobes are an unusual type of people. They avoid trusting relationships, affection and strong feelings. Both men and women can be susceptible to intimate phobia. This problem is not considered normal. The source of the “painful syndrome” is neuroses, psychological or physical trauma. Tension towards girls or boys is not genetic. However, a child raised in a single-parent environment is more likely to acquire intimate phobia than a child raised in a complete, loving family.
Prevention of intimophobia
To avoid this psychological problem, you need to treat people well. It's better to have a happy childhood. A boy should have a complete and loving family. There should be a positive example before the child’s eyes. Parents can show it through their actions and feelings. A father should speak well of women. A mother should have her own interests.
If a person has grown up and feels that he has problems, there is no need to constantly think about them. You need to be distracted, perform the simplest actions, and help others. You need to work on yourself, control your thoughts and try not to oppress yourself.
Intimophobia is a disease, a type of neurosis. Only a specialist can make such a diagnosis. Such men are afraid to enter into sexual relations with girls. They suffer from the absence of a loved one in their life, as well as sex. The main thing for a person is to learn to trust others. It is rarely possible to build a happy relationship right away. This is hard work, but the psychology of relationships is designed in such a way that working on yourself and striving to make not only yourself happy, but also your loved one will definitely bear fruit.
Eternal freedom lovers3
Intimophobes are divided into two types. The first group includes very relaxed and sociable individuals. The common people call them: womanizers or frivolous women. Both of them love to communicate with representatives of the opposite sex, lead a riotous lifestyle, love to make new acquaintances and engage in promiscuous sexual intercourse. For them, a love affair is like a breath of fresh air.
The period of falling in love is filled with bright and positive emotions. But at the same time, constant change of partners is of great importance. They like the sharpness and novelty of feelings. When they begin to experience a deeper attachment to a girl or guy, intimate phobes immediately “disappear.” Or they move away from partners who don’t understand anything. They subconsciously provoke quarrels and disagreements in the couple, in search of a “way out of the situation.” They need to break the “love ties” that will sooner or later lead to the creation of a family. And a serious relationship is the main enemy of a person suffering from intimate phobia.
Definition of phobia
The most common phobia of intimacy in society is intimate phobia, which implies the inability of a man or woman to have a long and trusting relationship.
Fear of intimate relationships has no gender specificity, and therefore is inherent in any person. One of the phobias that provokes fear of intimacy is coitophobia - this is the fear of sex and everything related to sexual intercourse.
Just thoughts about sexual intercourse can lead a person suffering from the disorder to the point of exhaustion. Often, sexual phobias can provoke obsessive-compulsive disorder, which will require a person to expend energy and take away hope for a normal life.
People with obsessive disorders are more susceptible to stress. They are constantly forced to perform rituals in order to ensure their comfort.
Fear of intimacy (intimophobia) is a disorder in psychological development, accompanied by a refusal of close communication with the opposite sex, and this does not always apply specifically to intimate intimacy.
Almost a third of the world's population leads a lonely lifestyle, but this does not mean that they all suffer from a fear of intimacy. Most people simply do not feel the need to build romantic relationships; they are quite comfortable living without additional obligations in the form of responsibility for someone else’s life and the need to take into account other people’s desires and needs.
When it comes to the causes of intimophobia, experts cannot give a clear list of factors - provocateurs. Some psychologists claim that the main cause should be considered a mental disorder, while others argue that the problem is associated with improper upbringing in the family.
For example, if a girl lives in a single-parent family, and her mother constantly swears at the dishonest men who surround her, then on a subconscious level the child may develop a fear of possible interaction with representatives of the stronger sex. As an adult, she is simply afraid to let a potential partner get close to her, implicitly expecting betrayal or ridicule from him.
Based on fear of intimacy, various inferiority complexes almost always develop and self-esteem drops significantly. A girl suffering from intimate phobia begins to doubt her external attractiveness and ability to start a family. She is haunted by thoughts that any attempt she makes to find love is doomed to failure. All this can lead to the emergence of serious neuroses.
But sooner or later, nature will still take its toll and the need to satisfy carnal desires will transform into short-term affairs. Intimophobia can eventually develop into frequent changes of sexual partners, which can also cause various problems.
Another example is the following situation. A boy lives with parents who indulge all his whims and do not consider it necessary to instill in him respect for ethical and moral values. A child may periodically quarrel with girls and even get into fights with them. Parents, instead of instilling in him respect for the weaker sex from an early age, assent to his phrases from the series “it’s her own fault, there’s no point in bullying me.”
Such an attitude leads to the consolidation of a position of disdain for all women in general. As a result, in adulthood such a boy is essentially a ready-made intimate phobe. He will not have any difficulties finding sexual partners, but he is no longer capable of building trusting, close relationships.
Rejection of sexual partner4
The second group of people is more susceptible to intimate phobia. They are worried about such a serious psychological problem as sexual anversion. Sexual anversion is a feeling of hostility and disgust towards the person with whom sexual intercourse occurs.
Aversion to a sexual partner can occur during the first sexual intercourse, or develop gradually throughout life. A guy or girl susceptible to this diagnosis experiences tender feelings for his other half, but at the same time avoids intimate relationships. This behavior creates great difficulties for building healthy love relationships.
What to do?
It is almost impossible to cope with intimate phobia on your own. Even if a person is aware of his problem and shares his experiences with his partner, the effect may be the opposite. The other half, who does not have professional knowledge, more often begins to “pressure” the intimate phobe with her love. This only increases the fear and forces him to withdraw further from the relationship and often leads to cutting off all contact with the source of the problem.
Effective treatment is carried out only in conjunction with a psychotherapist. The timeliness of the appeal plays a big role: the older a person is, the more difficult it is for him to overcome the established perception of the world, the people around him and relationships with them. You need to prepare for long work, for which the desire of the “patient” himself is necessary. You can try working on the webinar mentioned above on your own.
The need for new love affairs5
Intimophobes - “revelers” are not always aware of their peculiarity. They feel like “free birds” or “cats wandering around.” Ultimately, they may even start a family with their “chosen” partner. But such a family is doomed to failure.
The dissatisfaction gained in the “shackles of Hymen’s chains”, the lack of “oxygen”, due to the lack of bright impressions and new lovers, lead to great disappointment and divorce. In some cases, an intimate-phobic husband or wife regularly goes to the left and distances themselves from their legitimate “other halves.”
How to get rid of it?
In most cases, you will need the help of such highly specialized specialists as a sex therapist, psychotherapist, or psychoanalyst. For minor problems, it is enough to visit a competent psychologist or sign up for group courses (which intimate phobes, due to their psychological characteristics, are very reluctant to attend).
As a rule, the main problem of intimophobes is their psychological immaturity, their unwillingness to become their own support in life and take responsibility for their own lives. You need to stop blaming your parents or ex-partners for failures, give up the desire to become perfect and learn to enjoy little things.
When experiencing difficulties in interpersonal contacts, you can start with sincere communication by correspondence. And it doesn’t matter that the letter is small, its value lies in the precedent itself. However, do not try to give the interlocutor a false impression of your ideality. By doing this you will cut off the path to real meetings or turn them into disappointment! Remember situations in which you wanted to communicate and it worked out well.
Often, idealistic ideas about the opposite sex and exaggeration of one’s own objective significance interfere with building harmonious relationships. Don't look for princesses and princes. They live in Buckingham Palace and communicate with people in their circle. Take a sheet of paper and divide it into 2 columns. In the first, write your shortcomings, and in the second, write your partner’s strengths. Perhaps this will help you take off your own “crown” a little and look at your chosen one in a new way?
Subconscious bookmark for breaking up relationships6
Building a relationship with a guy or girl suffering from intimate phobia is very difficult. They need to feel personal space and freedom. Feeling pressure from the chosen one, they retreat here. They may literally disappear out of sight or withdraw emotionally from the “loved” person.
The “patient” feels comfortable and good only at the initial stage of the romance. When a love affair takes a deeper and more serious turn, a person experiences strong internal tension. He intuitively tries to build walls between himself and his other half. At the same time, the intimophobe provokes a quarrel or separation, acting on a subconscious level. He is not always aware of his feelings and emotions, trying to “push” the feelings deep inside himself.
Who is Intimophobe?
The main distinguishing feature of intimophobes is an uncontrollable, abnormal desire to engage in sexual intercourse. That is, an emotional disorder needs its “doping” - sexual pleasure, contact and falling in love. But it is worth understanding that infatuation and love are, as they say in Odessa, “two big differences.” The first rarely develops into the second, unless it is a relationship between two normal people, and not with the participation of an intimophobe.
A mental disorder confronts a person with a lot of obstacles, due to which relationships simply cannot develop in a serious way. On the contrary, as soon as a person with this problem feels that the connection with the opposite side can go far, he immediately retreats. But at the same moment he is already turning his head 360 degrees in search of a new sex partner. Most often, people suffering from intimate phobia are not addicted to drugs, alcohol or other addictions. They enjoy sex, which is always guaranteed.
Also them into their snares. And so, time after time, they continue a frivolous, irresponsible life, not being responsible for anything, not thinking about anyone.
Important: it cannot be said that for intimophobes, sex is a manifestation of animal instincts. They cannot live without love and romanticism, so the contact is quite beautiful, pleasant, and sincerity, although short-lived, is at the forefront.
Lack of parental love7
The cause of intimate phobia has its roots in a person’s early childhood. The vulnerable child was raised in a family where the parents did not give full attention and love to their offspring. Perhaps the father and mother treated the baby rudely or indifferently. As a result, the baby learned not only to hide feelings, but also to “erase” them from his soul. Feeling close to another person feels uncomfortable and suffocating. He, like a snail, wants to quickly hide in his shell and stick out his curious horns.
Reasons for developing fear of close relationships
As mentioned above, there has not been a unanimous opinion regarding the reasons for the development of intimophobia among specialists. Pathology can arise due to the influence of many different factors, both psychological and social.
Social ones include fear of losing independence or having a child. People who have difficulty interacting with society feel a certain internal discomfort, which is often reflected in the difficulty and fear of creating closer social connections.
Psychological factors include those that accumulate throughout life. For example, negative memories from childhood in which my mother constantly quarreled with my father because of his drinking or lack of money.
Such conflicts are very firmly deposited in the child’s memory and have every chance of becoming a trigger for various mental disorders. The girl begins to treat all “uncles” with skepticism, constantly remembering her mother’s accusations. And when he grows up, he will transfer his attitude to his interactions with the opposite sex.
Similar reasons are common to both men and women, with characteristics inherent in each gender.
Intimophobia in women most often occurs in early childhood and there are many reasons for this, for example:
- Problems of education. If a girl grows up without a father, and the mother speaks very negatively about men because of her own negative experience, then this has a very negative impact on the formation of the child’s personality. Over time, the girl begins to adopt the attitude of her mother that “all men are assholes and you can’t trust them under any circumstances.”
- Excessive demands. A woman makes too high demands on a potential life partner. She wants him to be rich, successful, handsome, without bad habits and ready for her sake to any even the most daring feat. Such strict demands lead to the fact that all attempts to build relationships end in disappointment and loneliness.
- Authoritarian character. A successful woman who has achieved great heights looks very disdainfully at the men around her. She simply cannot imagine a man who could become her equal partner in every sense. Such perception leads to the development of far-fetched intimophobia.
- Homosexual. Painful memories of intimacy, rough sex, lack of sensitivity on the part of a lover can cause fear of intimacy. Often the consequence of such an experience is a search for solace in intimate relationships with representatives of the same sex.
Important
Often, women’s fear of intimacy has no basis and is clearly far-fetched. In this case, it is best to seek advice from a psychotherapist who can conduct a cognitive diagnosis and offer optimal methods for solving the problem.
Intimophobia in men is formed according to almost the same scenario, although they practically do not shy away from women, but some behavioral features make us talk about a fear of intimacy:
- Gender disorders can cause fear of intimacy. Men are very shy in solving problems related to their sexual activity. If difficulties with erection begin, for example, due to cold genitals, then a relationship with a woman will not even be considered possible. A man is afraid that he has become intimately incompetent and therefore avoids female attention.
- Fear of losing freedom. Some representatives of the stronger sex hold on to their independence very tightly. For them, romantic relationships are consonant with future slavery. Already at the initial stage, they can draw in their imagination terrifying pictures of how their wife meets them from work in a washed out robe, and children’s screams and quarrels are constantly heard in the apartment. Such “horrors” can completely discourage all desire to build close relationships.
- Negative experiences can also lead to the development of a fear of intimacy. If a man has already experienced betrayal by his beloved once, he will begin to deliberately negatively perceive any contender for his heart. As a result, sooner or later he may come to the conclusion that women cannot be trusted at all and voluntarily dooms himself to loneliness, and will meet with women only to satisfy his sexual hunger.
- Problems of education. When a child grows up in a family where the father is an unrestrained aggressor who asserts himself at the expense of his emotionally weaker wife, this makes a very depressing impression. From early childhood, the boy begins to adopt the habits of his father, which will become the basis for the development of a fear of intimacy. An adult man will not want to repeat the experience of his parents and will consciously refuse to start a family.
Important
Most often, the root of the problem of male intimate phobia lies in improper upbringing and an inappropriate example in the form of relationships between parents.
IMPORTANT: The fear of showing one’s inexperience in a young woman/young man should not be confused with erotophobia. It can be overcome by gaining experience over time.
Daughter of a miserable divorcee8
In women, intimate phobia develops “thanks to” a single “unhappy” mother. A divorcee is raising her daughter alone, constantly complaining about life and her unsettled fate. From her lips, the little girl hears that men, for the most part, are “goats” or “pigs.” The father is a mythical character from outer space who abandoned a young and suffering girl with a baby in her arms. As a result, from an early age the child develops hostility and distrust towards the stronger sex. Having become an adult, the girl is afraid to enter into a serious relationship with her lover, so as not to subsequently experience the unfortunate fate of her mother: a twitched, whining woman.
Intimophobia: details, myths and accuracy of formulations
Creation date: 05/14/2004 Update date: 07/29/2020
An intimate phobe is sometimes labeled as anyone who, for one reason or another, has not started a family by a certain age. And they don’t even try to figure out why and why (although in general this is a deeply personal matter): they immediately label it as “intimophobes”. But this concept, even in this sense, has many varieties...
Husband to wife after a quarrel: “If you really loved me as much as you claim, you would marry someone else!”
The term “intimophobia”, one might say, has the same fate as the term “depression”, and indeed the term “phobia” in general - all these definitions not so long ago were exclusively psychiatric concepts, but now, as they say, “they have gone to masses". And just as now any deterioration in mood is immediately called depression, and any fear, even episodic, is a phobia - intimate phobia is sometimes labeled as anyone who, for one reason or another, has not started a family by a certain age. And they don’t even try to figure out why and why (although in general this is a deeply personal matter): they immediately label it as “intimophobes”.
But this concept, even in this sense, has many varieties.
Intimophobia in the psychiatric sense is really a phobia of sexual relationships as such, a fear of actual physiological intimacy. And this is precisely where there may be an explanation for why the word “intimophobe” is widely used in our dictionary in relation to men, but there is no equally common word in relation to women. If we continue to talk specifically about psychiatric intimophobia, then a similar neurotic disorder was found in representatives of both sexes. But it was described and observed to a greater extent in men. Because if a man is afraid of sexual intercourse, this was considered a pathology, and if a woman was afraid of sexual intercourse, well, on the one hand, by previous standards, this was how it should have been; on the other hand, no one asked the woman whether she was afraid of it or not. Must fulfill marital duties, and it is not at all necessary to enjoy it.
Subsequently, the word “intimophobia” acquired an expanded interpretation. This word has acquired, so to speak, a social meaning: today it means any “fear of close relationships in general.” But again - even if we don’t dwell on the extent to which such fear is a phobia, we can note that this happens in both men and women. However, for some reason, it is male intimate phobia that is being described again. Perhaps, again, partly because women, for some reason afraid of a long-term close relationship with a man, often get married automatically, on the remnants of the parental script, or under pressure from relatives: “A woman should be married.” So she gets married, then she gets divorced, and then, alas, many men, and society, often lose interest in her and her feelings in the field of marriage. It seems like I’ve been married - and that’s okay. By the way, often women’s “everyday intimate phobia” is popularly referred to as the “crown of celibacy.”
Another thing is a man who actively avoids his first marriage for various reasons. Many journalists like to classify such bachelors. For example, “eternally seeking” (those who say that they have not yet found their ideal), “eternally wounded” (those who explain their loneliness as trauma from unhappy love in their youth and therefore, they say, do not trust women), “eternal teenagers” “(who says quite directly: I haven’t had my fill yet...) However, these are different explanations of the same problem: when a man is afraid of marriage and close relationships. Because for some reasons, which we will discuss in detail below, this relationship has so far brought him nothing but trouble. But he cannot explain this fear, admit its presence to someone. But if they ask, sometimes you have to answer something? So pre-prepared answers come into play - everyone has their own.
This intimate phobia does not at all imply that a person has a fear of sex specifically. Quite the opposite: sex among intimate-phobic men can be very diverse in terms of the number of partners. And such intimophobia is not a phobia in the clinical sense of the word. A phobia is, according to definitions, a state of obsessive and illogical fear, and one that subjugates a person’s entire life and determines all of his behavior. And in the situations mentioned, there is more likely a conscious avoidance of close relationships, which is closer to the manifestation of the instinct of self-preservation. Because for a particular person, close, family relationships pose some perceived danger.
***
- They say you canceled the wedding. What's happened? — The unexpected happened. - Lord, what? - I changed my mind.
Often, what is now commonly called intimophobia arises on the basis of common requirements for men and women in the family, without taking into account their personal characteristics.
For example, a woman fears that in family, partner life she will not be able to be a “mother hen, housekeeper, cook, etc.,” and most importantly, she does not want to “be afraid of her husband.” After all, judging by public opinion, it is quite possible to believe that most men will behave this way in marriage (since the same society almost forces them to do so). And not wanting to get burned by this, especially if there is a sad experience of a first marriage or the experience of significant adults, a woman prefers to generally stay away from family and marriage ties. Especially if she has long fought for her right to be an independent person in the family, and now she has something to lose: she does not want and cannot be “always subordinate” in the family, and to be a partner, or even the head of the family, she fears that she will not will allow. But the other extreme doesn’t suit her either - being “a strong mother of a weak man who will ride on her neck.” And if it’s not possible in a way that is comfortable and acceptable for her, then it’s not necessary.
And a man is often afraid of a relationship with a woman, and even more so of marriage, for the same reason. But the requirements for him are absolutely opposite. Society a priori imposes on him the role of “head of the family,” or even “dictator-tyrant.” With his personal structure, this is sometimes difficult, if not scary: he always “must take responsibility” for the woman he marries, for all aspects of the life of his family, and for the children they share. Moreover, he is offered to take responsibility in the form in which society regards it! Let’s say, not only to protect a woman and child from possible dangers, but to protect “in a generally masculine way.” That is, for example, do not offer to take the safe road out of harm’s way, but bravely get into a fight. And when (even at the peak of the kindest, best relationship) a woman begins to make remarks like “well, you’re a man, protect me” (as she understands it) “and in general, you’re the head of everything here and therefore all the trouble is on you” - This immediately scares him off, he breaks off all relationships and moves away to a safe distance. Because, as in the case of a woman, he is not allowed to do it in a way that is comfortable for him, but he is not allowed to do it any other way.
Sometimes LGBT+ people are also considered intimate-phobic, and they also try their best to fit them into the Procrustean bed of a standard family.
Standards are generally not useful in such areas as personal intimate preferences, building family relationships, etc. Contrary to the famous statement of Leo Tolstoy that “all happy families are similar to each other, and each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way” - almost all unhappy families are similar in one thing: they built their happiness according to a model alien to them, most often imposed from outside. And maybe some people don’t want to start a family because they don’t like this standard model, and they are either not allowed to build their own model yet, or they themselves don’t know what model it should be, or there isn’t yet a candidate for a spouse who ready to search for and develop a “non-standard model suitable for both” and build his family life according to this model.
“Everyday” intimophobia in both women and men is often based on psychasthenicity. Specifically, on the fact that a person is not given the right to make a mistake. Not only in choosing a partner - in everything! You came at the wrong time, bought the wrong flowers, fixed the faucet wrong... (And accordingly, you cooked it wrong, cleaned it in the wrong place, you don’t look right...) That’s why it’s not uncommon for both a woman and a man to be a psychasthenic radical, for whom “ a good assessment of the current society”, they avoid at least official marriage in order to always have an excuse like: “You never know what time I came - I’m not your husband, I don’t have to report” (or “You never know how I cook or look - I’m not your wife , to tell me!”) And at the very least, with such treatment, psychasthenics of both sexes will avoid close relationships in general. Because the best way to avoid receiving criticism about the flowers you buy or the dishes you prepare is not to be in a relationship that requires you to give flowers to the “subject of the relationship” or feed him or her homemade dishes.
Here, too, in sex there may be problems with particularly pronounced, aggravated psychasthenia, supported by the same shyness, self-doubt, problems with self-esteem, etc. For example, such a person may be afraid to appear naked in front of his partner (partner) - maybe he will laugh or will it “rate poorly” in some other way? Another complex - “I can’t be loved like this, I don’t deserve it” - can provoke another fear: “Why is this person so drawn to me? Why is he/she so interested in me? I can’t imagine anyone being so enthusiastic about me: something is wrong here, it’s suspicious, it could be dangerous, we need to get out of here while there’s time.”
Here, as with any causes of fear, there is, of course, the possibility of a situation where the fear of the consequences will be clearly greater than the consequences themselves, that is, the fear will begin to flow into a phobia itself, into a phenomenon of a neurotic nature. So, for example, in such a case, a person may almost end up professing the principle “love is a disease, so it’s better to generally stay away from all these bright emotions.”
***
- Tell me, is it possible to have sex with close relatives? - Of course not, you can’t. “So I tell my wife it’s impossible, but she says it’s possible, it’s possible.” A wife is a close relative, right?
Another fear of an intimophobe is the unconscious connection “relatives - trouble.” This fear most often grows out of a complex, problematic relationship between a child and a parent of the opposite sex. For example, the mother unnecessarily suppressed her son or did not pay attention to him (and he needed this attention). When such a boy grows up, he involuntarily fears that as soon as a woman becomes “too close and dear” to him, she will either suppress him or leave him, like his mother - and in any case, he will never even receive the necessary warmth from a close woman and attention. It will either be her thing, which she disposes of at her own discretion, or... probably, also a thing, but unnecessary and forgotten somewhere under the closet. Such fears, arising in the area of the unconscious, can lead to an already conscious desire to keep a distance, and even more so, God forbid, not to officially recognize any woman as your relative (official spouse).
As an option, there is a situation where the boy has not learned any other love other than “the love of a son for his mother.” (And we are not talking about sex here at all, but about the training and experience of communication between a boy and girls at the “non-mother” level). As a result, any emotional intimacy with a woman is regarded by him as “closeness with mom.” But if a physiological relationship arises with this woman, an unconscious taboo against incest begins to work latently in such a man. At a minimum, sex is spoiled (and the man himself may not realize why), and even relationships in general as such. And this can happen more than once or twice. In the end, the conclusion follows: “As soon as I become mentally close to a woman, my intimacy with her first worsens, and then everything else; So maybe, well, really, this spiritual closeness?” Yes, such a man can even get married (if he is forced to do so by certain circumstances), but he will try with all his might to remain at a psychological distance from his wife, he will have mistresses (and also remain at a distance from them), because at the level of unconscious associations It’s already working for him: as soon as he becomes a person close and dear to his wife, many things in the relationship become worse.
The same problems in a daughter’s relationship with her father can lead to “intimothobism” in a girl. Either dad was a guardian in too large doses, developing defenselessness in his daughter (which was uncomfortable for her), or dad was a tough tyrant who only put pressure on his daughter (or even physically punished her). And as a result, the girl may consciously fear that her potential life partner may again turn out to be either too caring a guardian or too harsh a tyrant. She doesn’t need both, so she stays away from all men just in case. If this fear is not expressed strongly, then the girl can lead a sexual life, and if strongly, then she is afraid of this too (especially if prejudices are still alive that even after one-time sex a man has certain rights over a woman). That is, the same thing - no “symbols of family relationships, otherwise there will be all sorts of troubles.” And this, too, can develop into a neurotic phobia, when fear appears a priori, until the moment when another acquaintance begins to reveal his behavior in this matter: the girl is afraid of him initially, even if there is nothing to be afraid of yet.
***
The registry office, a wedding, there are a lot of cars, a crowd of people nearby. A father walks past with a baby. He asks: “Dad, did they run over someone here?” Dad, detachedly: - Well, you can say so...
Another possible cause of intimophobia is different rates of psychological rapprochement. Or rather, a situation where this difference is categorically not taken into account. For example: two people meet. Both, in principle, are not against starting a family. Only one of them needs more time to mature into a marital role, to the feeling that it is with this person that he (s) is ready to live his life and, possibly, have children. Therefore, for now there is a seemingly non-binding communication with routine signs of attention: but the trouble is if the second partner (partner) takes this attention for an actually expressed proposal. For example, while a man is thinking about which theater to take his friend to so that she is satisfied, and how to figure out exactly how much he should “move in communication beyond the theater” with her, the woman is already imagining how they will arrange the furniture in a shared apartment and what the children will be called. And when such a man hears or feels this ahead of time, he gets scared: how is it that he’s not ready for anything yet, but marriage ties are already being thrown on him? If the lady had waited a little, perhaps he himself would have agreed, or even suggested; but when he is raped, despite all his affection for the lady and even his love for her, it is better to immediately move away. Because if he is so suppressed before marriage, then what will happen in marriage? And the partner, at best, calls him “an indecisive mattress,” and at worst, “a deceiver, because he courted him like that, he looked after him like that...” And if a man manages to break free, he may not come to his senses for a long time. If history repeats itself (especially more than once), a man may well acquire a persistent fear of any more or less close relationship in which a woman may even suspect that she has been invited to marry.
But this can also happen to women: when men rush them into marriage, and the answer I need to think about is “that means you don’t love me!” Yes, he loves, he loves, you just have to think about it. And if you start putting pressure, the result will be another disappointment for such a woman/girl in close relationships and a desire to stay away from all men in general.
As a result, even in the most benevolent, non-pressuring, pleasant relationships, a potential intimate phobe (again, no matter what gender) begins from time to time to think: “Something is all too good: this is suspicious. In this regard, I certainly must (must) step on some rake, not now, but later! So why step on them later, when I’m already attached to this person? Let me quickly step on something now, even if it hurts, but then it will hurt me more!” And a person pulls out some problematic “rakes” from some dark corner of his unconscious (if you want, you can find enough of them) and hits himself with them in the forehead, and often for the company of his partner. Like, “get out of here until I get better, otherwise God forbid something happens!”
And so - time after time, and each time earlier and more pronounced, a person provokes a break in any potential close relationship. And it doesn’t matter whether there are real reasons for fear: the behavior can be described by the famous phrase “We’ve never lived well, there’s nothing to start with.”
At the same time, the person himself often suffers from the fact that he (s) is lonely, from the lack of warmth, etc., not knowing that he (s) himself scares away all potential partners. For such a “hit in the forehead with a rake”, such a provocation of a break according to the principle “anyway, there will definitely be some nasty thing, it’s better now” is done most often unconsciously.
In the material on the nature of phobias, it was discussed that there are often defensive phobias. So it is with intimate phobia. After all, there may well be (both men and women) a conscious reluctance to get married or have a “girlfriend or boyfriend.” And as soon as they started talking about such a phenomenon as intimophobia, many took it into account: “I don’t want to get married because it won’t bring any utilitarian benefit for me, but because I, for example, am intimophobic. So leave me alone, that’s all.”
And the more often they so obsessively ask why and why there is no family, the more a person (especially if he is also demonstrative) convinces himself that he is an intimate phobe. And after reading articles about intimate phobia and its manifestations, under the influence of the information received (like a good actor), he will involuntarily begin to behave exactly like this. And over time, he will finally convince himself of this (especially if the pressure from outside continues and, even more so, intensifies).
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Who is a confirmed bachelor? This is a bachelor who has been persuaded to marry.
When talking about intimate phobia when contacting a psychotherapist, it is always necessary to clarify - who has the problem? And who needs help in this regard? To the supposed intimate phobe himself, who personally suffers from the strangeness of his behavior? His girlfriends and friends who can’t persuade him (her) to marry? Relatives who suffer because their child will not have a “family appropriate for this age”?
These questions are far from rhetorical: because in most cases one person comes for a consultation and asks for help from another. Because the other one “can’t start a family.” Most often, this is either a partner (partner) of the person who applied, or a son (daughter).
And here we have to offer the applicant a slightly different point of view on the current situation. And first, discuss another question: why is it so important to him what happens in the life of another person, even a fairly close one? More precisely, why does he himself want to reshape the life of this loved one according to his own patterns and in accordance with his own point of view? After all, if someone has problems, he, as an adult and capable person, has the right to solve them on his own: including the right to decide whether to contact a psychotherapist about this, and to choose specifically for himself which one. And I usually suggest that someone who intercedes on behalf of a third party first understand why he himself has such a need - to openly or covertly manipulate another person. And if, due to the behavior of that person, problems arise for the applicant, then it makes sense to talk about these problems.
However, often the client asks to understand his own social and intimate difficulties associated with so-called intimate phobia. And here the main topic is diagnostics. What causes certain fears and/or difficulties in communicating with potential partners? What goals does a person set for himself and do they conflict with what the surrounding current society imposes on him? An objective clarification of the nuances and characteristics of the individual, an analysis of unconscious needs and feelings, reasons and motives is required. In addition, the causes of such problems can be disguised as one another, combined, interconnected, etc. Therefore, each situation must be analyzed individually and certain forms of psychotherapeutic work must be selected in each specific case.
And lastly: in the process of psychotherapy, it is important to avoid tasks like “to rid a person of something,” including so-called intimophobia.
Because, as I have had to say more than once, if you simply try to take away something from a person that he still needs for one reason or another, an empty space, a hole, will form in his life. And it is important to imagine what this empty space will be filled with later: it is possible, for example, that some other phobia, already of a neurotic nature. It is important not just to rid the client of something, but to help him find something with which he can replace it; not to take away something generally negative from him, but to help add something specifically positive to his life. In the end, to provide the client with all the necessary knowledge about the situation, the characteristics of his personality, society, etc., so that he himself can improve his quality of life in his own, individual understanding. Orders from the “Electronic Doctor” that are most relevant to the article: I want to find out the causes of fears I want to live without fear I want to forget about fears I want to forget about fear I want to get rid of the feeling of fear I want to be free from fears I want to stop having fears I want to understand reasons for fears I want to overcome my fears I want to overcome my fear Topics: complexes, problems of men, psychasthenia, psychological dependence, fears, phobias.
© Naritsyn Nikolai Nikolaevich psychotherapist, psychoanalyst © Naritsyn Marina psychologist, psychoanalyst, Moscow
Son of an unhappy bachelor9
In men, intimate phobia develops by observing the unsuccessful personal life of their father. Especially if, because of a woman, the parent committed indecent actions: committed a crime, attempted suicide, or turned into a “wimp” and a “rag.” The boy observes such a picture, and every year he cultivates in his soul a feeling of deep antipathy towards the female half of humanity.
The first unsuccessful experience in love or in bed plays a big role. The boy takes root in his hostility towards the weaker sex and gradually becomes an intimate phobe. Sometimes a man experiences fear of sex due to the small size of the penis. If a heartless partner had the stupidity to ridicule the dignity of a young man, then the strongest offense will cause negativity in him against all the girls in the world.
Diagnosis
Diagnosing the problem is very important. You should not assume that the disorder will go away on its own. It is difficult to go to the doctor and admit your inadequacy. It is not easy to diagnose coitophobia in a person, because it is preceded by a couple of other phobias that the person considers more significant.
Coitophobia - acquired fear
Do not be afraid to share the problem with your doctor; our fears can give rise to our inability to think normally. A mental disorder takes up a lot of time on unnecessary thoughts and rituals, during which a person may feel temporary relief. Early diagnosis will help avoid depression and apathy. Properly selected treatment will help get rid of obsessive thoughts and aggression.
Free love10
Intimophobia can be cured if you seek help from a psychotherapist. But the “sick” do not admit to themselves, much less to those around them, that they have problems. So they live alone, being disappointed in one or another relationship. A family consisting of two intimophobes can exist if the partners establish mutual rights: establishing each other’s personal space, guest or “free” marriage. Neither the birth of a child nor the abundance of mutual love can correct the existing individuality in the soul of a person suffering from intimate phobia. Timely help from a specialist can help the problem, but does not guarantee complete healing.
Solution
Your doctor can provide you with a medication solution to the problem. He will also prescribe a couple of psychotherapy sessions that will help get rid of obsessive thoughts and phobias. Taking sedatives will calm and relax you, giving you time to calmly think through your problems.
A hypnosis session will help you overcome fear. A specialist will help you enter a hypnotic state and find the root of all troubles. After a deep psychoanalysis, the doctor will eliminate the fear of intimacy.
You can independently develop a plan to eliminate your phobias. Try meditation, choosing the most relaxing poses for yourself. Immerse yourself in a deep state of nirvana, renounce earthly problems.
Try to distract yourself with a new hobby or get yourself a pet. A dog will help you put your thoughts in order and will be a friend with whom you can share your fears.
If you're suffering in the lead-up to your first time, try to distract yourself with movies and literature. Analyze in detail cases similar to yours. Try to talk about your fear with your lover, find a solution together.
Then what's the problem?
The problem is that intimophobe gets bored without strong passions - it is extremely necessary for him to experience them. And in order to keep their emotions afloat and constantly update their own feelings, they prefer to change partners as often as possible.
Intimophobia in men manifests itself in a constant search for sexual adventures, new novels, and vivid “Don Juan” behavior. Less often, an intimate phobe behaves like a reserved “love seeker”—this is how someone who has been kept under constant control by their mothers and grandmothers for too long prefers to act. But in any case, such a Casanova is terribly afraid of his own feelings and strong emotions, limiting himself only to sexual contacts with a slight touch of romance.
Intimophobes often remain bachelors, staying as far away from family ties as possible. And even if such a man accidentally has a child, he does everything not to take responsibility for him and the woman. Even if something happens to his close relatives (an illness, a situation requiring help), the intimate phobe strives to quickly remove himself from the “field of responsibility” to a safe distance, in which there will be no need to show force or make a serious decision.
Of course, an intimate phobe can maintain a long-term relationship with his partner for some time. But as soon as he hears a conversation about marriage or the transition to living together, as a rule, he does everything to end the relationship, even if yesterday he experienced ardent passion. In a word, he is ready to communicate, but not ready to trust.
