“I’m jealous of my husband’s mother-in-law. What should we do and how can this be justified?”

Why do mother-in-law and daughter-in-law become rivals?

Hello dear readers.
I have written a lot about the rivalry between two women, mother and wife, for the special attention of the only beloved man. And I will write more. After all, this topic is inexhaustible and sometimes reaches the point of absurdity, when two women cannot share one man, and with him a child. So it turns out - a family triangle, which is much worse than a love triangle. After all, a love triangle can be broken, but you need to look for a way out of a family triangle. But the side does not always want to look for him. They prefer to openly conflict or secretly be offended and accumulate grievances.

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Why is my mother-in-law jealous?

It's no secret that many problems in relationships arise due to simple jealousy. Jealousy, which eats away a person from the inside and seeks a way out. And whatever way out jealousy finds, such will be the consequences. After all, often the mother-in-law believes that the daughter-in-law is not a match for her son.

So it turns out that both mother-in-law and daughter-in-law may consider each other rivals, and this may negatively affect their relationship. Most often, the mother-in-law is jealous of her son’s daughter-in-law and thereby ruins the life of her own child. How can it be, she thinks, now there is another woman next to her son. Can she take better care of him than I can? Will she cook, wash, iron better than me?

But for young people and lovers, such everyday problems do not have such a priority as for the mother-in-law. And you shouldn’t focus on them. Don’t pointlessly torture yourself and your daughter-in-law.

Ordinary maternal jealousy is a normal, natural feeling, as long as it does not go beyond the bounds of reason. But then she starts to look just ugly. Why would you compete with another woman to get your own son's attention? He must have time for both women, and he loves both, but with different loves. And therefore there should be no reason for jealousy.

How to overcome hostility and improve relationships

As mentioned above, it is difficult to resolve problems in the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law with a positive outcome for everyone. But with a patient, competent approach, this is possible. Advice from psychologists will also help you overcome your mother-in-law’s jealousy.

It is important to understand that success depends on the interest of all parties or at least two of the three actors. To save the family and the relationship with the husband’s mother, you will have to make efforts.

What's the difficulty? The mother-in-law is an adult with established ideas about life. If she is jealous of her son, then it will be difficult to overcome this condition, because this will require changing the woman’s attitude towards a specific life situation. And adults and especially older people are distinguished by conservatism and inertia. This factor must always be taken into account.

Behavioral tactics for daughter-in-law

What should a daughter-in-law do if her mother-in-law is jealous of her son?

Analyze the situation. Is it really the mother-in-law's fault for the confrontation? Maybe her jealousy is far-fetched, and the reason lies in you?
Talk about the current situation with your husband and his mother. The dialogue needs to be organized with the participation of all parties. The authoritative opinion of the father (father-in-law) is often important.
When communicating with your mother-in-law, take a neutral, respectful and calm position. Don't react to provocations. Under pressure, put yourself in a winning position, don’t take the negative.
Build a trusting relationship with your mother-in-law, turn to her for advice, and do not demonstrate your rights to your husband in your behavior. Never complain about your son in her presence. Try to spend some time together - go to the theater, visit an exhibition. When choosing places to spend time together, consider the interests of your mother-in-law. Praise your spouse, highlight his merits as the merit of your mother.
Study the nature of the mother-son relationship. Adopt moments in your mother-in-law’s behavior that your spouse likes. Improve yourself and develop.

What should a daughter-in-law not do in a situation where her husband’s mother behaves jealously? Psychologists advise avoiding the following actions:

speak openly about the son in front of the mother and about the mother in front of the son;
demonstrate your feelings for your husband in the presence of a jealous mother-in-law - kisses, hugs, words of tenderness;
complain about your son;
provoke and enter into conflict situations;
issue ultimatums to my spouse - me or her.

Recommendations for mother-in-law

What should a jealous mother-in-law do if she realizes there is a problem:

Tune in to a positive interaction with your daughter-in-law. Understand that the happiness of your son largely depends on the relationships between women. If you sincerely want your child to be happy, accept his choice, realize the fact that your son is independent, he has become an adult.
Build a respectful relationship with your girl.
Look for positive traits in your daughter-in-law's behavior and habits. Everyone makes mistakes, don't focus on the negative.
Try not to interfere in the personal lives of young people, do not prevent them from making decisions on their own on important issues.
Don't try to change your husband's attitude towards his wife.
Share your experience with the girl in a positive, non-intrusive manner. Look for common interests and common ground. Often the grandson is the unifying factor.

Tips for men

Often in situations of jealousy between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, only two women act as protagonists. This is a wrong position. In such situations, the male subject plays a key role. Without his active participation it is impossible to resolve the problem.

The son's position is important. He must talk to his mother. Explain that he loves both women. Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law cannot act as competitors. Both women are important to a man, but each in their own way. Mom, regardless of her close relationship with her young wife, will never lose her significant role in his life. He will always love, protect and support her.

The man must explain to his mother that without this girl there will be no happiness in life. And if the mother wishes him happiness, she must accept her daughter-in-law for who she is. The son should not withdraw himself, otherwise the conflict situation will lead to the destruction of normal relationships with either his mother or his wife.

Daughter-in-law's jealousy

And the other woman, the wife, is also jealous. But this is not just jealousy, this is competition. A young woman constantly competes with a more experienced one, and strives to receive the constant attention of her beloved man. Here, most often the cause of jealousy is the thought: “Now he is mine and only mine.” This position most often manifests itself in possessive behavior, where only the full attention of the spouse becomes important, and not even the thought that he can care or worry about someone else is allowed.

And when a child appears, the same possessive feeling appears towards the child. I often read that mothers are jealous of their children’s grandmothers. Of course, this is not exactly jealousy, but rather a feeling of ownership - “this child is mine, and only mine.” Do you know this feeling? What to do? Read some tips here.

HOW TO STOP BEING JEALOUS OF YOUR HUSBAND TO YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW

WHAT IS JEALOUSY

Jealousy is a feeling that is characterized by anxiety, worry and fear. The person you love or who you are interested in may be taken away - this is what your subconscious fear thinks. This feeling manifests itself when our potential competitor appears, which may threaten your relationship with your partner.

HISTORY OF THE ORIGIN OF JEALOUSY

To consider a problem, you need to find its point of origin. And we will start from the very beginning of human development.

Science has proven that man retains the instincts of animals. Most of them had more than one sexual partner for reproduction. However, man is a rational being, and therefore couples began to arise from two human individuals, a man and a woman. The man was the breadwinner, and the woman was tormented by the question: will all his spoils really go to me after his death? Do I have any competitors? Since then, there has been such a thing as jealousy.

JEALOUSY OF MOTHER-IN-LAW

Even in ancient times, a woman understood that it was very important that a man be emotionally attached to her, since emotional attachment to a certain woman provides a certain guarantee that the man will take care of her and her offspring. If he begins to pay attention to another, in this case, to his mother-in-law, then his chosen one begins to torment herself with worries, becomes unstable in her mood, which ultimately leads to scandals and quarrels.

Jealousy of a mother-in-law is not as common as, for example, jealousy of the same childhood friend or work colleague. However, just because a problem is not common does not mean it has no solution. This article will offer you the top 15 practical tips from psychologists on how to cope with this situation.

Tip 1. Determine in what situations you begin to feel jealous

To deal with an obsessive feeling, you need to understand in what situation it manifests itself. Observe yourself and write down the moments that aroused this feeling in you. The recording is required in order to further analyze the occurrence of your feelings. Perhaps, when you transfer your emotions onto paper, you will understand that there is no reason to worry and let the situation go.

Tip 2. You have a lack of attention

In some cases, jealousy serves as a kind of “signal” that some moments from your past, and most often, from childhood, are subconsciously making themselves felt, demanding that you solve a problem that arose in one period or another. If you experience this feeling when your husband pays attention to his mother, it means that you yourself lack attention from your husband. You may experience sadness, despondency, or there may also be a feeling of abandonment and loneliness.

To solve this problem, you need to understand: where exactly does it come from? Perhaps your parents loved you infinitely as a child and spent a lot of time with you, but you have become accustomed to this over the years. Having now a lack of attention, you begin to internally worry about this.

Another option is to have no hobby or hobby. The routine has consumed you, you are tired, nothing makes you happy, and even your husband doesn’t devote time. Find something to do that will relax you and bring you pleasure. If nothing comes to mind, then remember what you did as a child, because children can rarely be found doing nothing.

Tip 3. Don't try to control your chosen one

Feelings of jealousy can also give rise to possessive behavior towards a partner. You feel dissatisfaction with your mother-in-law, who, in your perception, is more worthy of attention than you, which then develops into a jealous emotion. As a result, attempts to control will arise: don’t go, eat at home, communicate less, etc. Subsequently, quarrels will become an integral part of family life, as he will think that he is not respected, and this can harm your family relationships.

Tip 4. Talk to your husband

The problem concerns exclusively the two of you, and everyone must solve it together. Calmly and affectionately ask your spouse to spend 5 minutes with you and gently tell you about your problem. This will not only make you feel better, but will also strengthen your relationship with your chosen one, because you will be confident that his opinion is important.

Tip 5. You are criticized that you do everything worse than your mother-in-law

Any criticism, especially if it is unfounded, entails negative emotions. Including jealousy, because the husband goes to his mother’s house because she cooks better. First, let him know that his words are unpleasant to you, but why ask: what exactly is going wrong? If the answer is ambiguous, then in this case you should use a trick: offer help to his beloved parent and spy on how she does this or that thing. And if she treats you well, then ask for advice or help directly. However, if you feel too much discomfort being around your husband’s mother, look for an alternative. For example, in the case of cooking, sign up for cooking courses or watch free manuals in a format convenient for you.

Tip 6. They are trying to manipulate you

The mother-in-law cannot cope without him, and in case of objections she begins to say that she will soon pass away, and you will be to blame? This means that they are not only competing with you for the role of the main woman in the family, but are also trying to lead.

First, you should unobtrusively tell your half about your guesses. If this is regarded negatively, then you should play along with your mother-in-law: evaluate what she does not like about your behavior or attitude towards her, and try not to commit such actions. Understand that she cannot be changed, and her husband loves her very much. However, given your jealousy, it will be difficult for you not to interfere with her when your spouse is going to see her. Despite the fact that you try to be soft and condescending, you should not forget about your feelings: openly say that you are upset by her words. If you said too much, apologize, because conflicts need to be eliminated, not aggravated.

Tip 7. You live with his mother and feel like you're not good enough

Two housewives in a house sometimes resemble a tug-of-war - each builds his own territory for himself, and the other changes it back. Different views, upbringing and attitudes towards certain things undoubtedly entail conflicts. Most often, mothers are more of an authority for their son than their wives, and accordingly, he will take her side more often than yours.

There are only two ways out of this situation - move out or come to terms with it. However, living with a person who is trying to reduce your importance in the family, sooner or later self-flagellation must come that I am not good enough for my husband. In this case, try to understand: which areas of activity are worse for you and which are better. Then get together and divide the household responsibilities among each other. If in response to a proposal the phrase is said that a real woman should be able to do everything, say that this will be time-efficient, not forgetting to mention the merits of the mother-in-law.

Tip 8. Your man is your mirror

When you made a choice in favor of this or that person, you subconsciously sought to find someone similar to yourself. It turns out that the person with whom you decided to link your destiny is your projection. Perhaps you behave in a similar way and your husband unconsciously does the same. Think about it: isn’t what is happening around a reflection of what I myself am doing? If yes, start working on it.

Tip 9. You are affected by the parental setting mechanism

Many mothers, relying on life experience or surrounding information, think that the same thing will happen to their daughter and unconsciously put guiding phrases into her: the mother-in-law will be bad, all sons love mothers more, etc. When a girl grows up, these phrases are stored in the subconscious and at the moment of confrontation with what the woman was told about in her younger or teenage years, ready-made fears and anxiety begin to take on a jealous shell.

If you find yourself in this situation, you should change your settings. Understand that all people are different and maybe the problem was in your view of the situation. Talk to your mother-in-law, find common ground between your interests. In any case, family relationships will only become stronger: the husband will be glad that you have found common themes, and his mother will be happy with what a good person her son has chosen as his wife.

Tip 10: Focus on yourself

You've tried everything and nothing helps: Engage in self-development. Get another education or complete a course, sign up for a gym or just work out at home, go to dance classes or go to the pool. By engaging in active activities, your mood will improve and the desire and quarreling, if any, will disappear, and seeing a positive attitude, people will begin to give it to you in return.

CONCLUSION: jealousy is anxiety for the future of your family and in order to nullify it, you need to analyze what is happening and discuss it with your soul mate. Communication is a universal medicine that people can use to heal each other. Or fall in love with yourself again, finding your passion among many others.

However, there is no advice for absolutely all life situations. And if none of the above helped, you should contact a family psychologist alone or together with your chosen one.

Author of the article Daria Altukhova.

Which side does the husband take in the family triangle?

Which side does the husband take? It’s strange, but many believe that the husband is between two fires. I believe that husbands in such situations often distance themselves and prefer not to notice or interfere in the conflict between their two beloved women.

I don’t know, maybe I’m wrong, but still, the husband is a key figure in the family triangle. Because of it, “spears break” and conflicts flare up. And not noticing this, at least, is not reasonable.