How to perceive betrayal (is it a betrayal or the norm)
Yes, cheating is the real betrayal of your husband. These words are used for a reason.
Let's make an analogy. In war it is easier to discern treason. Betrayal in war can cost the lives of many comrades.
Will they trust a traitor in war? Will they give him a second chance? Naturally not.
Betrayal is an act with the most aggravated consequences. But in everyday life, many concepts are turned upside down, and not only women, but also men begin to get confused.
The lack of understanding by some men of the fact of betrayal leads to the following questions: “And if you have sex with a prostitute, is this considered cheating or not?”
The frivolity of men in this matter and the consequences for himself and his family (wife and children) is simply amazing. Many men are quite frivolous in this matter.
In fact, a wife and husband are connected not only by property and living together. They are more tightly connected by their psyche with each other, almost into one whole, and in this common field of love children grow and develop.
Property can be divided, but the threads that bind the psyche cannot be severed so easily .
Actions “on the quiet”, behind the wife’s back, are considered acceptable by men. It seems that the wife will not notice, and everything will be fine.
Cheating on the part of the husband “does not go in vain,” even if the wife does not know anything... yet.
The process of destroying spiritual intimacy in a couple begins when someone else begins to interfere.
You can argue with me, but according to my estimates, every second person has been (or is) in a situation of betrayal. So it turns out that everyone lives like this.
There are women who have adapted to this situation; they also quietly cheat for their own pleasure.
He cheats, she knows about it and cheats on him too (he doesn’t know about it). That's it, the balance is closed. Nobody worries about anything.
I asked such women: “Aren’t you offended that your husband is cheating?” - “Not if you change it yourself.”
And for the other it was generally in the order of things. She answered my question with bewilderment: “Everyone lives like this.” Then I wonder if this is how her husband lives?
And the third replies that sex is not a reason for dating at all.
Female infidelity from the point of view of psychology: the main differences from the betrayal of her husband
The psychology of female infidelity is diametrically opposed to the way of thinking of the opposite sex. Representatives of the stronger half of humanity, in relationships with their mistress, are looking for a way to cope with “sexual hunger.” In the eyes of the fair sex, an emotional connection with a partner is of great importance. This is precisely what is evidenced by research data that was conducted in Russia several years ago. During the experiment, only ¼ of the women who took the path of adultery admitted to the absence of deep feelings for their partner. In turn, about 70% of men are convinced that sex and true affection are things that are in no way connected with each other.
Female infidelity through the eyes of a psychologist is often a reflection of major problems in relationships with a spouse. It is important for the fair sex to feel stability and security. Just emotional intimacy or good sex is not enough here. Psychological betrayal of her husband is a sign that a woman wants to find a partner with whom she agrees to spend the rest of her life.
But most unfaithful spouses are completely satisfied with their wife. Representatives of the stronger half of humanity perceive intimate pleasures with their mistress as a way to add variety to their sex life and get a lot of pleasant impressions. The spouse who has no desire to file for divorce has no desire to file for divorce. Many men see their mistress not as an individual, but as just an object to satisfy their flaring sexual passion. For a male representative, what matters most is the sensuality and attractive appearance of the partner. This is the peculiarity of male infidelity, according to the psychologist.
The behavior of husbands who walk to the left, as a rule, remains the same. Women have a hard time doing this. It is difficult for the fair sex to remain in the role of a gentle and caring spouse. Wives often confess to a man that they had sex with their lover and regret what happened.
Why is it bad after cheating?
Male infidelity for a woman is as follows. Each of us feels this deep in our souls:
“By marrying you, I gave you my word to be with you, you gave me your word to be with me.
I gave you all of myself, all my trust, gave birth to children, and now you leave me alone with all this and found another. Where should I go now?
It’s hard for two people to bear responsibility, but now I have to do it alone. You understood that life is long and it won’t be easy, why then did you start a relationship with me and get married if you weren’t confident in yourself.
Why did you put me in such a difficult situation? Why change at all? If I had warned you right away, I would have found a reliable person even then, being young and free, without children. And now I’ll have to sort out the mistake alone for the rest of my life with my children.”
Or “Why didn’t you do this ten (twenty) years ago, when I was still young and could have found someone else?”
In war, people are betrayed because the fear of one’s own death becomes unbearable, but this does not exempt one from responsibility.
Why does a man want to cheat?
The answer is simple: because of the desire to enjoy, receive love, pleasure and not overcome difficulties, not bear responsibility. Is it okay that the life of a woman and the fate of the children who trusted such a person went downhill?
Faithful and devoted women suffer the most. Because they have a very strong family spirit. They give their husband a lot of credit because they judge their husband by themselves.
And, of course, their thoughts are completely “virgin” in relation to some mistresses.
The nature and psychology of female infidelity
Stubborn statistics firmly convince us that men are more unfaithful than women. But how true is this? Currently, the number of female infidelities is growing rapidly (or the number of cases of their detection is increasing). According to G. A. Idrisov (family psychologist-consultant), 70% of men and 50% of women cheat on their partners. Official statistics reduce the number of female infidelities by half (25%), but psychologists consider the data not entirely honest. However, it would be wrong to put female infidelity on a par with male infidelity. The point is in the nature of female infidelity, which in its essence is significantly different from male infidelity, since it does not obey the instincts of reproduction.
A woman does not care about the number of partners, she is interested in quality. Therefore, female infidelities are more refined, subtler, more thoughtful and, perhaps, more insidious.
If we take the teachings of S. Freud as an axiom, then the fact of male infidelity is perceived as something inevitable, dictated by nature. A man obeys the call of nature and strives to spread his seed as widely as possible. Nature has endowed women with the ability to give birth, which means it has set them an important task: to give birth and raise high-quality offspring. And for this, one quality man is enough.
The problematic situation arises precisely in the search for quality. A woman looks for strength, endurance, activity, caring, reliability, determination, passion in a man. Society adds to the list of male virtues the absence of bad habits, high social status, and a strong financial situation. Of course, I would also like excellent external data, which qualitatively characterizes a partner. The result is an ideal man, which, as we know, does not exist in nature. You can, of course, come up with an ideal for yourself and fall in love with it, but over time the veil of love will melt and disappointment will appear.
“The ideal man doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t swear and... doesn’t exist.”
K. Melikhan very accurately explained the nature of betrayal: “By cheating, a woman seeks the best, and a man seeks something new.”
A woman will always be missing something in her partner:
Every woman knows what is missing in her life, which means she always evaluates the men around her according to her own criteria.
What to do if you find out about your husband's infidelity? What two options are there?
In fact, there are only two options: leave or stay .
Each woman begins to weigh and analyze her current situation. Main factors for analysis:
- Do I have money, and am I firmly on my feet financially to feed myself and my children, and continue to develop them in clubs?
- How will children grow up without a father?
- Fear of being alone for life.
Those women who can resolve these issues immediately feel more independent and can choose to leave the relationship while maintaining their self-esteem.
If not, then:
1. You leave, leaving everything as it is, but maintaining your self-esteem. You take responsibility for your life and the lives of your children.
2. Either you completely forgive and continue to live with him, trying to save the family.
3. Or, continuing to hate, you simply remain living out of hopelessness... Nowhere to go, no money, didn’t work, small child.
All this does not insure against his subsequent betrayals.
The third option greatly tramples self-esteem, keeps you in tension and depression, as it lasts for a very long time. Then it leads to diseases, but more on that later.
Therefore, the main advice from a psychologist on how to live after your husband’s betrayal is to work with your psychological state (perception of the situation). The better the injury is treated, the easier the condition.
Main features of male infidelity
Unlike women, who are focused on home and family, for men work and self-realization are of great importance. There are many reasons that push husbands into the arms of another woman. They may be as follows:
Condition after husband's betrayal. What exactly does the woman feel?
Many women describe their mental state as follows: “as if the earth had disappeared from under my feet,” “as if I had fallen apart into molecules and could not be put back together,” “everything I lived for had collapsed.”
There is a sharp drop in self-esteem.
At the first moment, when a woman first learns about the fact of betrayal, something like a state of shock arises. For everyone it lasts a different amount of time: from several minutes to a day, for some it may be longer.
Then comes the second phase: bewilderment, intense anger: “Why? Why me? Why did he do this to me? How could you?".
Strong anger can lead to a state of passion.
I understand that it is very difficult, but at this stage it is good and right to give an outlet to the emotions of anger .
There will be a lot of anger. There is no need to “throw yourself” at your man, because then you will have to solve all other problems with him.
Anger needs to be released through feeling and expressive body movements. You'll have to beat something, a pillow, for example.
What is this for? Anger is a strong and short-lived emotion. You will begin to re-experience it and free your psyche. If it accumulates, it will eventually cause illness.
Those women who “like” to withdraw into themselves and suppress anger have a higher risk of developing psychosomatic diseases.
After this stage there will be a stage of depression. Depression after your husband’s betrayal consists of a mixture of the following feelings: shame, anger at him, anger at yourself, fear, sadness.
And in this state, many women “get stuck” for many years. This condition can last up to 10-20-30 years or more if it is not dealt with immediately. Diseases begin.
By the way, the same thing happens with men. These are the consequences of cheating on a husband and wife.
Not everyone reaches the exit stage.
GuruTest
The very word “betrayal” evokes negative associations in us, and the mere thought that a loved one is going “to the left” leads to disappointment. But it is worth noting that physical contact on the side does not always destroy the relationship. But if your partner often communicates with the opposite sex or, even worse, constantly thinks about another person, then your love union is already close to collapse. It is necessary to find out why psychological betrayal is much worse than physical betrayal and how this type of betrayal threatens your relationship.
Psychological betrayal - what is it?
At the moment, there are several opinions regarding what psychological betrayal is. Some believe that this is a false problem, invented by those who, for example, once read the correspondence of a loved one with the opposite sex. But some people are sure that psychological betrayal is a betrayal that cannot be forgiven.
A psychologically unfaithful partner may not engage in intimate intimacy on the side. But at the same time, he secretly has feelings for another person. Sometimes it is much more difficult to come to terms with this than with physical betrayal.
Psychologists say that to some extent, every person has emotionally cheated on their regular partner at least once in their life. But if this happens often or the person has a strong crush on someone else, it can ruin the relationship.
Why is psychological betrayal dangerous?
Psychological betrayal does not always lead to separation. Moreover, a regular partner may not even realize that a loved one is regularly cheating on him. As a rule, a cheater may constantly think about the object of his adoration, secretly communicate with him, and desire physical contact, which undoubtedly affects his emotional state and official relationships. Feelings for a regular partner become dull, conflicts arise more often, and there is no attraction.
A person who finds himself in the shackles of psychological betrayal becomes depressed. Habitual hobbies become indifferent to him, he spends less time with his family and can even abuse bad habits.
But don’t panic if you notice similar symptoms in your loved one. They do not necessarily indicate that your partner is cheating on you psychologically. Many of them indicate that problems have arisen in relationships that require urgent solutions, because sometimes they become the cause of psychological betrayal.
A disturbance in the microclimate in a relationship can push a partner to look for a person next to whom he will feel truly at ease and comfortable. And when he finds the so-called “outlet,” a new stage begins in his life, but the relationship approaches its final point.
Why psychological betrayal is more dangerous than physical betrayal
Many claim that they could not forgive their loved one for intimate relationships on the side. But, as it turned out, a one-time connection is not as dangerous as constant thoughts about another person. In some cases, physical infidelity can be forgiven and even justified, given the circumstances.
As statistics show, most often affairs on the side arise due to problems in family life, a little less often the reason for this is a midlife crisis and a thirst for novelty, some of the betrayals occur while intoxicated. But in each of these cases, you can find an explanation and maintain a relationship with a permanent partner.
Psychological betrayal is an emotional attraction to another person, which is much more difficult to cope with than physical attraction. In this case, not only the cheater himself suffers, but also those close to him. It is difficult for him to lead a normal lifestyle, which is why he often lashes out at his family, friends, and especially his regular partner. It should be noted that in this case the partner becomes a real victim, who may not even realize that her place in the life of her loved one is taken by someone else.
After betrayal, the relationship between lovers will never be the same again; they often have to be built anew or ended. Surviving betrayal is a difficult task. But with the help of these techniques, you can regain your strength and confidence and find new love. be happy
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29.03.2019 00:12
I can't forget the betrayal. How long does it take to cope with the consequences?
Approximately 1.5 years of weekly therapy.
How do you know you've done it?
The check is quite simple.
Think about this traumatic situation and feel inside.
If you can freely think about it, talk about it and not feel pain, you can calmly start relationships with other men and look into your future, feel that the past does not pull you in, then the situation has been worked out.
You did it.
Treason and betrayal: is there a difference?
Much depends on what foundations the relationship between partners is built on. For some, a relationship is a profitable project from the point of view of economic coexistence (it is convenient to rent a house together, share food costs), and a family is a project for raising children and accumulating property.
Political scientist and business coach Irina Khakamada, speaking in an interview on the YouTube channel “Gentle Editor” about her relationship with her fourth spouse, openly admitted that each of them can easily “walk to the left.” The partners agreed on this at the dawn of their relationship.
— We have a partnership marriage: he is free, and so am I. But we exist together because we have fun,” said Irina. [2]
We can conclude that betrayal may or may not be a betrayal if the partners have deliberately discussed this possibility. But this example is rather an exception to the generally accepted paradigm of relationships between a man and a woman.
Another approach to understanding betrayal is related to the internal feeling of attachment to a partner. The issue of attachment is key to our sense of self and security. And safety is a basic need for everyone. For our well-being, we all need a reliable and secure attachment. Flirting, protracted correspondence, an affair - something that threatens security. Therefore, many people painfully perceive the loss of an emotional connection with a partner, which inevitably follows any connection with a person outside the couple, and regard it as a betrayal towards themselves.
Is it possible to forgive your husband's betrayal?
A very difficult question. The relationship won't be the same anyway .
The first thing that suffers and disappears in a relationship after the fact of betrayal is trust. And it is difficult to restore. And sometimes it’s impossible.
If the person who has stumbled understands and wants to return everything, then this will cost considerable effort.
The one who betrayed tore the fabric of trust. He will have to do so much good for another in order to restore confidence in himself in order to be trusted again.
And never betray again.
Indeed, the consequences of cheating on a husband and wife are very significant for a couple. Forgiving is difficult, but possible and necessary, at least to preserve your own health.
How to forgive
In a relationship where cheating has occurred, everything either starts all over again or ends forever. For some very principled people, this is a betrayal. But living with a traitor under the same roof and building a family is very difficult, almost impossible.
In order to continue your relationship with your husband or wife after cheating, you must first forgive your loved one. Yes, for many it is difficult and almost impossible, but it is necessary. Otherwise the relationship will end.
By the way, spouses can live separately for some time in order to feel how important and necessary they are to each other. This is necessary in such a difficult situation. After time has passed, you can think about how to forgive the person. To continue with him or not. After all, as time passes, there will be no more acute resentment, and it is possible that the relationship will improve again.
A person should be given a second chance only if he himself wants it. If a man leaves and does not want to return, then the woman needs to let him go and forget. And the main thing is to forgive and build your life further without him.
What is the first thing to remember when a wife knows about her husband’s infidelity?
Among other things, grief from betrayal will close the vision of the future. It will seem that from this moment life is over. And this will continue for quite some time.
Many women have thoughts of suicide because it seems like there is no way out. But!
Having found yourself in this situation and being at the peak of its severity, remember this formula: “Life goes on.”
This is the most important idea that you will come to later. This is not a hopeless situation.
When you deal with everything, you will become a wiser and stronger woman.
Emotional cheating
Should you worry if a woman’s infidelity is platonic? Of course, at first glance this communication is absolutely harmless. However, over time, it has a high probability of transforming into physical betrayal.
It is quite difficult to establish the line when habitual communication gives way to emotional deception. Nevertheless, such feelings can cause a lot of trouble. After all, their presence is explained by the dissatisfaction of emotional needs within the framework of existing relationships. This forces the spouse to look for a man who will admire her and allow her to feel her own value, significance, as well as external confirmation of sexuality.
How does cheating affect children? (Child after husband's betrayal).
To put it briefly, children in such a situation suffer mental trauma. They are injured at the same time as adults.
And, as a rule, mothers do not have enough strength for themselves, so the child remains abandoned. The mother simply cannot give him that love, attention and warmth.
Symptoms of diseases occur in the same way as in adults, only the rate of occurrence is much higher.
Why? - Because children cannot “digest” at the mental level this situation that has arisen between their parents. Then children develop psychological defenses such as illness, disorientation in life, withdrawal, inappropriate behavior, deterioration in their studies, and myopia may also occur.
What to do? - Intensively deal with yourself. At the same time, try not to push the child away, since the main thing for children is to receive love. There is nothing more meaningful to them.
Don't use your child as a listener for your problems . This is not his level, he will not help. Let him mind his children's affairs.
Talk about your pain and situation only with adults and your therapist.
We don't involve children.
Then, when it becomes easier and calmer in your soul, you can talk to your child. Explain the situation as much as possible so that he calms down and understands that the world has not collapsed. The mother endures, the mother is strong.
What to do if a man cheated
Finding out about the betrayal of a loved one is always painful. How to react to it largely depends on whether you are ready to radically change your own life. Your next steps will depend on a number of factors. This:
In any case, in order to get answers to these questions, you have to decide to have a serious conversation about what happened.
If you decide to try to save your union, you will have to rebuild your relationship with your husband.
To do this, you will need to pull yourself together and talk as calmly as possible about what happened with your man, and also try to find out the reason why the betrayal occurred. You must tell your husband about your feelings that the news of his infidelity aroused in you. Together, analyze what is going wrong in your relationship. This should be done as calmly as possible, without insults or justifying speeches. A qualified psychologist can help you with this. Only hard work on your relationship together can help you regain lost feelings.
The main thing to remember is that you need to build a relationship not with sex, but with joint walks and conversations, searching for a range of common interests.
Please note that if you are not ready to go this long way or are not sure that your husband is ready for this, weigh everything carefully before taking any action. If you accuse your husband of cheating, there will be no turning back for you. You will have to either leave your husband, who is not ready to give up outside pleasures, or forgive him. If you choose the second, the likelihood of subsequent betrayals will increase markedly.
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So, the psychologist’s basic advice on how to live after your husband’s betrayal
Two key questions are to leave or stay and how to move on.
In both cases, 2 more issues need to be addressed - financial and psychological .
First, evaluate the financial factor. Property, your rights to it and the rights of your children to property. Assess whether you can support yourself and your children if you have to get a divorce.
The next step is to choose a strategy for how to proceed.
Strong feelings will accompany you constantly, and it will be difficult to cope with them on your own.
With all this, solve pressing problems and constantly contact your husband.
It’s just that articles and advice from a psychologist on how to live after your husband’s betrayal may not help. In-person work may be required.
Therefore, the best way out is to go to a specialist. How to choose your psychologist - be sure to read about it here.
What can be considered treason?
First, let's try to understand the concept of “treason.” Some people see it only in regular intimate relationships outside of a permanent relationship with a partner. Some will say that it cannot exist where there is no marriage. For some, frivolous correspondence or even a protracted conversation with an attractive colleague after a corporate party will be considered treason. Even partners within a couple may have different points of view on the fact of betrayal. What seems like completely innocent behavior to one partner sometimes hurts the other. Why is it so difficult to define the boundaries of infidelity? One of the reasons for this can be considered the development of civil society and law. More recently, by historical standards, adultery was recognized as a crime in European countries. According to the Napoleonic Civil Code, a wife's infidelity gave the husband grounds for divorce. Male infidelity was considered such a reason only if the husband brought his mistress into the house. The difference in attitudes towards female and male adultery was associated with consanguinity and the order of inheritance. A man who doubted his wife's fidelity could not be sure that his own child would inherit his property. [1] In modern secular states, the law does not regulate issues of marital fidelity, giving citizens the right to independently decide what exactly they consider valid grounds for divorce. Emancipation and the increased contribution of women to the well-being of the family removed the urgency of the issue of inheritance. Marriage has ceased to be the only socially approved opportunity to lead an intimate life. The advent of gadgets provides more options for secret flirting outside of a couple. This has led to the fact that today each couple interprets the concepts of betrayal and treason independently for themselves. However, it often happens that such issues are simply not discussed in a couple. At the dawn of falling in love, there is a feeling of unconditional unity of opinion on all issues, and it may seem that close relationships by default imply fidelity. Perhaps the only interpretation of the concept of treason that does not cause contradictions in relation to the actual action is the sexual intimacy of a married person with a person outside the marriage. In other cases, treason can be considered a violation of obligations towards one’s partner established in mutual agreements.
