What are the reasons for a husband's irritable attitude towards his wife?

A little history

A person has two important components - reason and emotions that drive him. In primitive times, oddly enough, negative emotions came first. They enabled a person to quickly react in case of danger and make lightning-fast decisions about flight or attack. Negative emotions such as fear, danger, anxiety, anger served as a person’s salvation, developing certain reactions to the point of automaticity.

In a modern person, the cause of negative emotions can be troubles at work, dissatisfaction with personal or family relationships. However, unlike ancient man, modern man is able to suppress some of his emotions. For example, if your boss makes you nervous at work, the resulting feelings of anger may be suppressed for fear of losing your job. But suppressed emotions will find a way out in the evening, with your family.

What to do if your wife is annoying?

Here is a man who has a wife. Almost new, only seven years old, nice, unpainted. He's quick around the house, provides lunch and blowjobs, and doesn't start scandals. There's only one thing bad about it - it's infuriating. The reason is in the letter under the cut. There is also an analysis of the letter from our permanent expert kazakuralsky . I don’t know whether you agree with him or not, but the opinion has a right to exist.

“I am 33 years old, married for 7 years. I grew up in a single-parent family, my mother raised my sister and me, and as a child she often scolded my father, like the goat left us, he didn’t want to work, etc. The wife is also from a broken family, also without a father.

I work for myself, I make equipment for advertisers, my earnings are above average, if you focus on regional salaries. In the summer, if the weather permits, I often windsurf, in the winter I ski and go to the gym 2 times a week. There is an apartment that I recently registered for my wife. This is my initiative, in case of divorce I will leave it to my wife and child, without regrets. Despite the fact that I did everything there myself and bought it with my money.

There is an apartment in a townhouse, which I bought for my mother and “gifted to myself,” and a car. The family budget is under my control, all the main income and expenses for the family are mine, the financial contribution is 90 percent, I buy everything down to clothes for my wife and groceries. My wife is busy working part-time as a manicurist, right in our apartment.

Child, girl 6 years old. Her behavior is completely copied by her mother; in questions of dos and don’ts, her mother is always more authoritative for her.

Last September, a dark streak in my life hit me; there were a lot of problems at work. Everyone's irritability grew every day. I was very nervous and could have snapped at any second; only at home I could relax a little from everything. This went on for two or three months, my nerves became thinner and thinner and I decided to give up on everything and take a break. A friend and I agreed to go skiing with our families, and when I came home to my wife and told him about it, instead of support, I broke down and ran into setting conditions - like, either we go on our own without friends, or you go without me.

By the way, my wife never causes scandals - she manipulates with ostentatious insults and protracted silences for several days. That time, in the end, we didn’t go anywhere and from that moment on I started having problems in my family.

I began to notice that my wife was constantly monitoring me - where I was, who I was with, when I would be, and that she didn’t trust me and was constantly jealous. I now have the feeling that I cannot communicate normally with my wife - she constantly argues, proving that she is right in any matter, I am already starting to think that she is just a fool. Even when commenting on the news on the radio, she does not agree with my opinion and constantly interrupts me. Apparently, now I have developed a neurosis, which has begun to manifest itself as problems with the gastrointestinal tract and sleep. I want to take a break from my family and get my nerves in order. I offered her to take the child and go to the sea, or for me to go, her reaction was resentment. Like how it is, to relax without me, you always need to do it together.

In the evenings he lets go - and other thoughts already creep in, I love the child, and my wife too, she’s pretty. And there will be no one to relax with, everyone is married, everyone has their own eternal problems. In the evening I think that if I get divorced, I will regret it in the end, I will give up my soul in a month or two and will be pulled back. I want more freedom, but I don’t know how.

I usually feel lousy when I start to feel very unfulfilled. A couple of years ago I became very interested in kitesurfing (a type of sailing sport). We often traveled with our family where we tried to combine our vacation - I am active, my wife is passive. But it turned out that I, tired, “didn’t pay attention” and got irritated by her constant requests - to take me somewhere, to a cafe, to dance, etc. It’s generally annoying for me and my wife to go to clubs, because... I have the opinion that women go to clubs solely to find adventures in their ass.

The wife is not particularly active in sex, giving blowjobs occasionally, but she always enjoys fucking - she’s just not active and modest or something like that. She cooks and cleans without problems and without reminders. She has no girlfriends, she sits at home all day long, working on nails, clients come to our house almost every day, and in general she takes care of the house. My schedule is also free, I’m also almost always at home, that’s how we live, we’re an eyesore to each other every day. I don't know what kind of advice I would like. Everything seems fine, but everything is boring. Maybe I just haven't had enough time, I don't know. And I don’t know what to do next either. Usually they advise you to have a hobby, to do something that you like... I spoke with my wife on this topic - in response I received a reproach: “You don’t plan for us in your life, you want to relax and go for walks, but what am I going to do?” The option that it will work is not considered, because... “For nails you need to get clients, but as a nurse like a child you won’t have time,” and the life of a kite instructor is nomadic, so to speak.

I was going to the sea with a tent for 3 days, but my wife clung to it - I feel that it’s not for the sake of relaxing herself, but so that I don’t go alone and look after me. Now I feel like a slave, without a goal in life. It feels like my destiny is to bring home grub and loot . In general, perhaps I want to throw off all the responsibility that I have taken upon myself - to provide for my wife, child, etc., but my moral principles will not allow me to do this, and here is the reason for my dissatisfaction. I’ve never lived alone, there was always someone nearby, and I want to live alone, test myself, but I’m crazy and probably won’t be the first to start talking about divorce .

How I see the ideal situation in my family - perhaps I have an answer to this: I would quit my job, go and get an instructor's credentials, get a job at one of the schools, and spend a couple of seasons teaching newcomers. At the same time, I would like my wife and child to be at home and waiting for me. Don’t throw your shoes around, I understand that this sounds crazy and this arrangement is not a family.

And at the beginning of summer, one girl asked casually, “Why are you so gray-haired or married?” (I don’t wear a ring) So I’ve been spinning around with these thoughts for the second year now.”

It was a letter. And now an analysis of the situation from our permanent expert kazakuralsky

To put it briefly and immediately, a person has a very common situation - intellectual incompatibility, aggravated by RGM (equality of the brain), or, to put it differently, attempts to endow a woman with qualities that she cannot possess. And it shouldn’t, certainly for the family. Which is not surprising, “I grew up in a single-parent family, my mother raised us alone...”, where would an example of the right relationship between a man and a woman come from... In a couple, for a stable long-term relationship there must be a coincidence on three levels: intellectual, sexual, and emotional.

From the letter it follows that overall everything is fine. I like Baba in appearance, so on an emotional level there is a coincidence. You also shouldn’t be forced to have sex, although not without questions, but in general I also see nothing like that. Therefore, on the sexual level it is also a coincidence. But with the third – intellectual level – everything is bad. That is, no way.

- Well, how could it happen that despite this discrepancy people got married?

Otherwise you don’t know how it happens. Here's a woman - eyes, tits, pussies, lips, smoking in her pants, what to do? “Come on wife!” It happens... It happened to me... But it worked out well for him. This discrepancy is not catastrophic for him. His woman is an extremely good wife. Everything is fine with him - his wife takes care of the house, looks after her properly, takes care of her husband, looks after the child, has a hobby, from which he even earns some income, albeit insignificant. There are no girlfriends looming from the category of RSP, princezhdalko and other rotten trash (slag slag trash). Mother-in-law is far away!! Yes, just wonderful. So lucky.

“Really, it turns out that everything is perfect at his home, but he is pushing it, and above all, pushing himself?

Not really. Or rather, completely. The situation is similar to a gas-filled mine. A little spark and that's it. Arctic fox.

- What kind of spark?

Well, for example, the already mentioned client is RSP, which does not exist yet. Or simply worthy of better. Considering his wife’s activities, the probability of this is very high; he communicates with a large number of women. Such a person will come to do her nails, and the wife will talk a little too much, and that’s all. What did I write there?

- Spark?

Yes! Women are designed in such a way that they need to be “like everyone else.” This princess will start singing her loser anthems to your wife, as a result of which it will turn out that your husband has turned out to be. And he’s a loser, and his friend has something to do with it, but how young she is and now with a child, women are at a premium. Well, that kind of bullshit. All to make his wife feel as bad as hers. Women are weak creatures. The brain is even weaker. Day after day, month after month, and a thought will arise in her mind - but it’s true... And that’s all...

- It's clear. It turns out that some measures need to be taken. How to get out of this situation, and judging by the fact that the reader is not happy with her specifically and their relationship, she will have to.

We need to act in two directions. By listing, not by importance, the first is the wife. What to do? Give the woman some emotions. You can read about this topic here. His wife, judging by what he writes, simply demands it. He drags him to clubs. He doesn’t like it, and rightly so, there’s nothing to do with his wife there. As if this is the only way... The sanatorium is right, but we need to go together, and not send the woman alone. With a child, it’s the same as being alone, I answer. There is a good joke. Three men are talking: “I sent mine to Egypt for two weeks, let it go away.” - Well, yes, that’s right, I’m going to Turkey. - And I make love to myself.

There is no need to expect any “hobbies” from her. Her hobbies already exist. This is himself and the child, that is, the family. No bullshit called “self-development”. It's a buzzword now. Even men think so for some reason.

Baba is not developing? Why does she need to develop? And what can the average woman develop into? This is when there is a child, which is the whole world, and a woman by nature has all the data to take proper care of him.

Now he is waiting for the woman to somehow help him. It happens involuntarily, yes. But these are false attempts in the wrong direction. This is the same perception of a woman as an equal, and endowing her with qualities inherent in himself. She is already helping by being with him, taking care of the house and the child, and she also found herself a toy. It doesn't interfere, it gets into the brain. She is waiting for initiative, instructions, and he wants these instructions from her. Asks something there... Can not be so. He is a support, he is a man, he is a husband, he is in front. And she is BEHIND her husband. There is no need to ask, you need to act. For example, here he writes about plans for the future: I spoke with my wife on this topic - in response I received a reproach: “You don’t plan for us in your life, you want to relax and go for walks, but what am I going to do?”

She just doesn’t understand that “they” are there naturally. What is good for him will be good for everyone. Now he feels bad, and where and what this can lead to is clear both from the letter and from my answer to the question about incompatibility. There is no need to “talk about this topic.” We need to outline short-term and long-term prospects - today we’re doing this, we’re going there in the evening, next year we’ll have another child, but now I’m off to the shower, and while you’re at it, take off your panties. Or vice versa. Prospects, certainty, you know?

In addition, our hero luckily encountered business problems at the right time. This gave him the opportunity to note that the relationship with his wife was somehow not the same. And if things were going wrong - what kind of sanatoriums are there for women or something else... He needs to look around. Not at your feet, but into the distance. They are not starving, therefore there is no emergency. Let him search. Looking for his Activity. Apparently, he (plans to become an instructor), this process is underway, but he is indecisive.

I would also like to comment on something from the letter. There is something that explains the author's discomfort:

The option that it will work is not considered, because... “For nails you need to get clients, but as a nurse like with a child you won’t have time” and the life of a kite instructor is nomadic, so to speak

An unnatural process of adjusting to a woman. That's the discomfort.

In general, perhaps I want to throw off all the responsibility that I have taken upon myself - to provide for my wife, child, etc., but my moral principles will not allow me to do this, and here is the reason for cerebral discontent. I have never lived alone, there was always someone nearby, and I want to live alone, test myself, but I’m crazy, and I probably won’t be the first to start talking about divorce.

Wow, did you see it? "Ochkun." It all comes from there, from childhood, where my father, the asshole, didn’t want to work. Get the result. Hence her doubts, “you don’t plan for us in your life.”_NAME___, start doing something without getting permission from the woman. You'll like it, asshole.

The state of affairs today is simply depressing, and I don’t see any prospects - home, work, nerves, more work, again nerves. Yes, I’m already more than half gray, a hairdresser I know suggested I start dyeing, “you’ve become too white”...

Again. He should start doing everything as he sees fit. Maybe it will work out if you show endurance. For some reason, it seems to me that his wife will be happy with such changes in his behavior.

What advice do we give to the author of the letter who is tired of responsibility for his family and finds himself in a difficult life situation? Should we agree with the expert or argue? You can also ask questions to the expert.

Where does the negativity come from?2

The nature of a negative emotion is such that it never arises on its own. Most often in relationships it is associated with the manifestation of conflict, internal dissatisfaction with the behavior of another person. You may be annoyed by some little things like scattered things or uncleaned dishes. But, if you think about it, each of us brings our own habits and concepts into the family.

And, if a person has been accustomed to a certain way of life since childhood, this is the only correct option for him. It is difficult to require an adult to put his things in a certain place if in his family it was permissible to leave things where necessary. Sometimes it’s even difficult for another person to imagine that their habits can be so annoying.

How to improve relationships

What should you do if your husband often gets irritated, says offensive words, indifference to his wife is visible in his eyes, and the woman really wants to return his affection?

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In this case, the following advice from psychologists can help the wife:

when your husband is irritated, you should try to leave him alone with himself, it is better to do what you love at this time, take a walk with the children, go to a friend’s place or to the store;
You should not talk to your spouse with a commanding note in your voice; calm and gentle speech will help relieve tension and establish mutual understanding;
at moments when the husband is irritated and some issues need to be resolved, you should not make a decision alone, it is better to wait for his mood to change and discuss everything together;
if your husband’s irritability has been prolonged, he does not want to communicate, he has retired to another room and this continues for several days, the way out of the situation will be a change of scenery: a trip, a trip out of town, a hike;
each person needs a certain time to relieve irritation; if a husband quickly forgets the negative, you need to try to call him for a frank conversation and find out the reason for his frequent irritation; in cases where a man does not make contact for a long time, you should seek help from a psychologist.

Negative Energy Mechanism 3

If you try to ignore the negative surge that arises and suppress your emotions, then sooner or later there will be an explosion. This explosion will be directed towards the one who caused it. The culprit, in turn, had no idea that there was such intensity of passions around him. Simply because no one told him about it.

Hushing up the situation is not an option, even if you are a person who tries to avoid conflicts. The conflict itself provides an opportunity to reach a new level of relations, to which significant adjustments will be made. Don’t try to suppress your emotions, learn to express everything that doesn’t suit you in the current situation. The ability to conduct a constructive dialogue will not come immediately. It is important not to offend your partner. Claims must be made with respect for each other's personality. Compliance with these conditions will give you the opportunity to find a way out of this situation.

A situation where in a relationship one of the partners constantly restrains negative emotions resembles an act of self-sacrifice. One suffers for the benefit of the other, while the other feels good and comfortable. As a result, the scenario becomes habitual, and the one who suffers due to constant dissatisfaction falls into a state of prolonged depression, slowly destroying his personality.

Taking a break from each other

In the article about how to abstract yourself from a person, I talked about a lot of details and about the best way to get out of the situation. Just try to communicate less with the person who annoys you, or avoid him altogether if possible.

I also spoke in great detail about methods of provocation and psychological vampires in previous publications. There are people who subconsciously try to get you emotional. Of course, it is unlikely that the same situation will occur now when it comes to your wife, but irritation may be temporary, and therefore a little rest may be beneficial for your relationship.

As much as we would like this not to happen, people tend to get tired of each other. Some couples are comfortable with the fact that one of the spouses can go on an independent trip or go outdoors with friends for the weekend. Others do not accept such behavior in any way. They are offended by the idea that someone might get tired of them.

If necessary, try to gently explain to your wife that you would like to spend a few days without her. Explain to her that you want to talk with friends about men's topics that are not discussed in women's society. Don't say she won't be interested. Don't draw conclusions for your spouse. Tell her that not all of your friends will be able to feel free in her company and will still emphasize her presence. Be friendly.

Time spent apart allows you to relax, miss your partner a little and look at him with different eyes.

Ways to solve problems4

Mutual concessions in small things. Each of us has our own established habits that are difficult to break. But when one of our habits causes a persistent negative emotion in a partner, we are ready to compromise. However, concessions must be made both on our part and on the part of the partner.
Talk about what you don't like. Sudden dissatisfaction caused by the actions or behavior of a partner must be spoken out loud. Don't ignore the problem! After making a complaint, you need to work together to find the optimal solution to the problem.
All decisions are made jointly. Any decision, be it choosing a sports section for a child, or planning a vacation, must be discussed together with your partner and not made alone.

Do not try to re-educate your chosen one. Accept habits as they are. We are all different, but this does not prevent us from getting closer and understanding each other. Let your partner be himself without asking him to live up to your expectations.

Respect for personal space. Each family member should have their own personal space, where others do not have access. This could be a shelf in a closet or a table with a laptop. Under no circumstances should you restore order there by violating personal boundaries!
Learn to see the positive in your partner. It is easier for many of us to see other people's shortcomings, which are so striking. It is much more difficult to see the good in a person. This needs to be learned.
Trust in the family. In a strong, harmonious family, an important component is trust in each other. Not every person is able to completely trust their partner. This may be hindered by personal sad experience, hidden complexes of a person, and character traits. But if you want a truly happy relationship, learn to trust your chosen one.

Criticisms

We are all not perfect, but we must accept the shortcomings of a loved one if he is dear. Women, due to their excessive emotionality, do not pay any attention to the fact that they often list their husband’s shortcomings in public. Be it friends, strangers or your own children.

Humiliating a man in public will also not benefit the relationship. A wife needs to learn to restrain herself in front of strangers, otherwise her husband’s resentment towards her can develop into serious discord. Infringing on a man's pride will affect his feelings for his wife. If criticism of the father is carried out in the presence of children, his authority in the children's eyes can be seriously damaged, and this can have very serious consequences in the future.

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Contact a psychologist

A woman should understand that the situation when there is a second marriage and children from the first marriage is quite difficult. But if happiness smiled on her, and on her life’s path she met a person whom she is ready to see as her husband and father to her child, then how promising such a relationship will be largely depends on her. That is why she should be patient and show wisdom.

What if the relationship between stepfather and child does not work out? It is likely that the most correct thing in this case would be to contact an experienced psychologist. A specialist will help you understand the main causes of the problem, which will make it easier to smooth out certain roughnesses in the relationship that are associated with the fact that the child is a stranger to the husband and often irritates him.

Over the years, my wife began to irritate me: my story of struggle

Nothing is eternal. Everything changes. And it’s even hard to imagine that one day you will feel something like that for a loved one.

I got married at 27 years old. I thought that I had already studied the world of women enough. My Yulia had just turned 23 when we met. She was the sum total of everything I valued in a woman. Tender, but not sissy. Kind, but within reason. She knew her worth, but was ready for compromises. It was possible to conduct a dialogue with her and resolve serious issues. And then fool around. The year we met we got married.

Ten years. Time flies very quickly. It seems like not too long ago we celebrated 3 years of marriage.

In fact, our son is already in second grade. While Dimka was little, a lot of time was spent on him, but lately everything has been different. The sections are all close to school and home. He visits them on his own. Yulia works in a printing house with a small workload. I have my own small business selling unusual gifts.

Everything is fine. We have a healthy family, we have property, one might say, stability. But every year...

I'm suffocating. At first I caught myself thinking that at some moments there was even some kind of panic inside.

It’s as if I want Yulia and Dima to leave home quickly. Or I ran away somewhere. Questions from their side put me under some kind of stress. Although nothing bad happened. But I was twisted from the inside. It’s like “communication indigestion.”

I looked for employment, played sports intensely, and immersed myself in work. But he could not get rid of this condition.

My Julia was the most annoying. Dimka was in himself, in his studies. Julia constantly involved me in some processes. And I could still correspond with her, but I didn’t have the patience to call her or talk in person.

And every day my condition only worsened. I could barely restrain myself from screaming, just like that. I wanted to scream out loud. But none of them did anything wrong. Everything was even too good. I couldn't do this to them. And he suppressed these irritations within himself.

Struggle. I realized that one day I would not be able to hide such a state. And this will break the hearts of my Yulia and Dimka.

I had to fight myself. Understand what's going on. And what should I do with all this? I started turning to psychologists. And they also began to irritate me a little, because they tried to look for reasons in my relationship with Mom or in sex.

But one day I was advised by a specialist, a girl, I didn’t even understand what she ended up doing in life. But at the first conversation we agreed to meet because she preferred action.

As I remember now. It was Wednesday. She got into the car with a large suitcase. And silently showed the way. We arrived at some abandoned house. From the suitcase Elena took out two helmets, safety glasses and a sledgehammer, several plates and cans. We went to this slightly creepy house. And I started breaking dishes there, destroying these cans. Then break one of the partitions in the house. I hit with all my might. Chips flew in different directions, we started screaming. Elena screamed with me.

How much time has passed? I'm lost. I didn't feel time. My heart was beating, I even bit my lip out of anger. And blood flowed. There were calluses on my hands from the sledgehammer. But I was somehow incredibly happy. It was as if all this stupidity in me was this partition. And I broke it.

Then we talked. Long enough. But I wanted to speak, there was no irritation at all. Tears even flowed a little. Then I cleaned up after myself as best I could. And I felt great. Elena advised me to go in for sports, where there is an outlet for this energy. I chose to fight. And since those days it hasn’t bothered me, almost a year has passed. If I feel that something might accumulate, then immediately release the food not to my loved ones.

As I understand it, I held back everything for years. I tried to be good, strong, correct. But I was tired, I wanted to be weak. And it all accumulated and turned into irritation with those closest to me. My Julia noticed changes in me. She said that she was afraid before because she could see in my eyes that I was about to explode. I introduced her to my method of fighting. And she herself completely destroyed the house. It was accumulating in her, too, but we held back, and from this it accumulated even more. This is my story.