How a woman can survive a divorce: how to cope with a separation from her husband

The breakdown of a family is a serious psychological blow that not every woman can withstand, especially if she still has the warmest feelings for her husband. After separation, all plans collapse overnight, self-confidence disappears, because often the cause of divorce is betrayal. In order not to get bogged down in the abyss of depression, to survive a divorce and start building a new life, you should take advantage of the valuable recommendations of psychologists.

Reasons for what happened

Each married couple has their own reasons for the collapse of their marriage and, of course, their own ways of dealing with it. Many life factors can serve as a reason for divorce, in particular:

• different views on life;
• spouses are too young;
• unwillingness to take responsibility;
• betrayal;
• mismatch of sexual temperaments;
• alcohol or drug addiction;
• financial instability and housing issues.

If a woman is depressed and does not know how to survive a separation from her husband, she needs to grasp one simple thought - life does not end there. On the contrary, this is the beginning of a new milestone in life, and there will definitely be a person who will make her happy.

Actions that should not be done

Now let’s pay attention to the psychologist’s advice on what you should absolutely not do. Let's look at the mistakes that many people make. Such actions lead to disastrous consequences:

• You cannot call your ex-spouse. You should understand that this is a stranger to you who does not owe you anything. He no longer has to help you out, help you and give you advice. If he has a kind soul, then he can help you, but you should take this as ordinary help.
• You can’t speak badly or complain about a person. You must be above and stronger than all insults.
• You can’t stop taking care of yourself and letting yourself go. If you stop caring for yourself, this will once again prove that the person was right to break off the relationship with you. Your ex-spouse will think about whether the decision was made correctly if he sees you in good clothes, great shape and a great mood.
• You cannot have intimacy with your ex-spouse. Time has passed, perhaps you met and discussed something. An intimate relationship will be a weakness that will give you new hope and soon take it away again.
• You cannot follow your ex-husband (wife) or look for meetings. These are not the methods of an independent and strong person.

No one wants to be divorced, but thousands of people go through this. The main thing is to look at the problem correctly and listen to the advice of a psychologist. Just think: you no longer have to report to anyone, be obligated to anyone, save and save money for other people’s interests, instead of buying something for yourself. You will no longer miss meetings with friends and refuse to relax. If there are more positive moments, then why be sad? A real and vibrant life is just beginning.

Stages of recovery after a breakup

To figure out how a woman can recover after a divorce, she should study the psycho-emotional state of the abandoned party at different stages of life after the break in marriage. As a rule, representatives of the fairer sex, due to the subtle structure of the psyche, are forced to go through several stages until they finally find peace of mind:

1. Denial stage. Most women are not ready to put up with what is happening and try in every way to convince themselves that nothing really happened. Psychologists are convinced that what happened (no matter how difficult it may be) must be accepted as a given, otherwise depression will only worsen.
2. Stage of irritation and anger. “Rose-colored glasses” sooner or later fall off, and the stage of non-acceptance of the situation is followed by a phase of aggression. Active attempts to correct the situation are mainly aimed at finding the culprit of the situation. It should be said that often the victim of aggression is not only the ex-husband or his new chosen one, but also those close to him or the woman herself, heartbroken over the loss of her loved one.
3. Negotiation stage. At this time, the woman is visited by thoughts of how to get her ex-husband back. All sorts of manipulations related to children, money, living space, and fictitious pregnancy are used. Such steps, according to psychologists, are extremely destructive and are unlikely to help bring back your soulmate, so you need to fight negative thoughts in every possible way.
4. Stage of depression. The woman is overcome by melancholy and resentment. Apathy arises, trust in the opposite sex disappears. It is important to overcome depression with dignity, and not fall into a deeper emotional abyss.
5. Acceptance stage. Only during this period does a person who has experienced the dissolution of a marriage come to terms with the fact that his life will never be the same. Mental wounds heal, all past grievances fade into the background, and the desire to get married again no longer seems so strange.

How to recognize anxiety after divorce?

After a divorce, a person is characterized by a number of behavior patterns and states:

1. Some begin to feel sorry for themselves and think about what will happen to him next. These people are afraid to live and look into the future.
2. The next stage may be ardent hatred of your partner. A person begins to remember everything that happened in their family, be it minor quarrels or real scandals.
3. The state when a person wants to prove to his former lover that he can do everything on his own is perhaps the most self-indulgent state. But often any activity through force, in order to prove to everyone what he is capable of, does not bring pleasure to the person himself and is a burden to him.

Advice from psychologists

Not all married couples who have embarked on this path succeed in getting a divorce without mutual claims and grievances. But even when the ground seems to disappear from under your feet, you should not despair. You need to look for the positive aspects in everything. It is quite possible that divorce is a step towards a new life. For example, the husband was a chronic alcoholic, drug addict or tyrant who raised his hand against his own child. Why ruin your fate and endanger your children? Divorce will open up new horizons and perhaps allow you to look at yourself in a new way.

Sometimes the fear of looking helpless, unsuccessful, or worse than others prevents you from asking for support in difficult times. There is no need to withdraw into yourself, heroically trying to bear the adversity that has befallen you on your fragile shoulders.

It is important to remember that the ex-spouse is a mature adult and is capable of making informed decisions. All pleas and humiliations will most likely break against a blank wall of misunderstanding or become an irritating factor.

You can’t stand still, constantly replaying moments from your past life in your head. Even if previously all the time was entirely devoted to the broken family, this does not mean that the woman was deprived of certain goals. So why not start implementing them?

Psychologists constantly talk about the importance of psychological trainings that allow a woman to calmly deal with divorce. The following exercises will make it easy to get into the right frame of mind, overcome a depressive state and, at the same time, overcome anger and resentment:

• describe in detail the negative aspects of what happened, write down on a piece of paper everything that specifically does not suit you in the current situation, what was done correctly and what was not;
• write on a piece of paper which of your own actions, to put it mildly, cannot be called good, how they can be corrected and what conclusions should be drawn from all this;
• remembering all the brightest moments of your married life together and writing a letter to your ex-husband, but not sending it, is an easy and at the same time effective way for a woman to survive a divorce.

After divorce: how to regain peace of mind

Life is full of various challenges. We overcome some of them and only get stronger, while others make our legs give way and, even having risen, we continue on half-bent. Divorce is just one of the latter. Usually it doesn’t kill, but it doesn’t make it stronger either, at least not right away and not on its own. Therefore, the question is “how to regain self-confidence after a divorce?” does not lose relevance. We are talking about this with Natalya Pivovarova , a member of the Russian Art Therapy Association and the Society of Orthodox Psychologists of the St. Petersburg Diocese.

Natalya Pivovarova. Photo: Aquaviva.ru

Natalya, is it mostly abandoned partners who come to counseling after a divorce?

More often than not, yes, although, oddly enough, those who initiated the divorce themselves also need help. They usually do not receive support from family and friends and feel judged by them. It happens that people who have long experienced a divorce, but have not been able to cope with its consequences, seek psychological help.

That is, none of the participants in the divorce get by without trauma?

There are “easy” divorces, when two psychologically mature individuals separate, who for some reason decided to live separately, but this is very rare. Divorce is a trauma comparable to the loss of a loved one. Sometimes it is even more painful than the death of a spouse, because it is often accompanied by betrayal, the collapse of hopes, and this leads to deep disappointment. The consequences of divorce are experienced most acutely if the relationship was codependent, when a person places responsibility for his happiness on the other and believes that without him he is incomplete.

We must understand that healthy relationships are built on patience and forgiveness, while codependent relationships are built on the absorption of the other and his control. And if such a family breaks up, most likely it will not be possible to cope without psychological help.

That is, the lack of self-confidence after a divorce is associated precisely with the fact that the relationship was unhealthy?

Most often yes. Why does another become overvalued? Because a person does not consider himself valuable and cannot even assume that his happiness is not in the hands of others, but in his own.

To regain self-confidence, you need to go a long and difficult way. The work of mourning must be done.

Once again, divorce is a loss, and experiencing it involves going through several stages. First you need to allow yourself to experience this loss: having gone through the path of denial, anger, depression, to reach the moment when you can draw a line and draw conclusions. But you cannot reach this stage until you find peace within yourself, learn to communicate with others again in a new capacity, and establish yourself in society. After all, sometimes a person who has lived in marriage for many years simply cannot adapt to single life, cannot even go out somewhere alone, or communicate with once common friends. Finding your new place is very important.

Probably all divorced people understand that before starting a new relationship, they need to deal with the old ones. But I really want someone to be found as soon as possible who will help cope with the pain and give new happiness...

And great, just let it be a psychologist and not a new partner. Of course, someone should be there during the grieving process - a friend, relative or professional, but you should not look for a new life partner at this stage. There is a risk of falling into a codependent relationship again and not using the chance that a person has after a divorce - a chance to finally find himself as a full-fledged person. Mental pain, once lived and experienced, becomes a good resource for new relationships.

Finding peace of mind is a difficult task, but it can be done, but what about forgiving your partner? After all, without forgiveness, broken relationships will not remain in the past and will not allow you to live peacefully in the future.

This is difficult and slow work. For some it takes years. And the process begins with the desire to forgive. After all, often a person is not ready to even think about forgiveness and lives with resentment and hatred. These feelings are destructive, paralyzing, and prevent healing.

So, the main thing is to want to forgive, and then we need to move on to searching for the value that the betrayed person gave us. Years lived together, children, if any.

Even if it seems like there’s nothing to be grateful for, it’s enough to realize that this person was in our lives for a reason. And a relationship with him is a litmus test that helps us learn something important about ourselves.

It is the presence of children that makes divorce even more tragic. After all, it is easier to forgive a departed spouse for your own pain than for the pain he caused to your children.

This is true, but the child should not participate in the divorce process. This is the relationship of the parents, and the decision should also be made exclusively by them, without the involvement of the children. The child certainly needs to be explained that a divorce from mom and dad is not a divorce from him. Each parent needs to try to become happy, then it will be easier for the child to accept the situation. Although, of course, the consequences of divorce will certainly affect him, they cannot be considered fatal. Even if the father left the family and stopped communicating with the children, the mother can find words of consolation. Don’t make up anything, but tell the child that everything can change. It’s true, I know situations where a father suddenly began to communicate with children, even adults. Such words do not deceive or give false hopes, but inspire optimism. I have already said that the trauma of divorce should not be experienced together with a new partner, and this is especially not the case with a child. It's better to go to a psychologist.

How to determine that forgiveness has taken place? One of my friends, for example, thought that she had long ago forgiven her departed husband, but as soon as he married a sweet young girl and had offspring, she realized that no forgiveness had happened, she was again overwhelmed by anger and resentment.

This is a typical situation. In this case, forgiveness really did not take place. The main quality of forgiveness is that it gives peace of mind. The forgiver accepts the freedom of choice of the other.

This does not mean that every choice needs to be justified. Rather, it is about accepting the situation without judgment. When communication with a person or thoughts about him do not disturb our peace, we can say that we have forgiven. In this way, we not only give freedom to others, but we also free ourselves.

Often the situation of divorce is aggravated by feelings of guilt. How to get rid of it?

Feelings of guilt are destructive; it is much more important to develop a sense of responsibility for what is happening. This does not mean that you need to take the blame on yourself, no, you just need to admit that you are the cause of the events that are happening, and what is now is the result of your free choice. It is clear that not all of us are at this level of awareness. But only when we are able to take a mature look at the beliefs that led to our choice of partner can we let go of the misconceptions that determined that choice and can prevent the same scenario from happening again in the future.

Not all divorced people allow themselves to think about new relationships. Here is an example from life: a friend left her husband when she was young, with a small child. Many years have passed, the son has grown up and lives separately. And she, still quite an attractive woman, could get married again, but she does not allow herself to do so, she believes that divorce is her sin, since the marriage was consummated. And it’s as if he’s punishing himself with loneliness.

You can choose loneliness out of love for someone, or you can choose loneliness out of guilt and fear of punishment. In this case, it seems, we are not talking about faith, but about punishment. You cannot punish yourself with loneliness or anything else, and this approach has nothing to do with Christianity. If the Lord forgives us, then we need to forgive ourselves.

We must learn from experience and move on. Taking responsibility does not mean saddled yourself with guilt.

In this case, I would still recommend contacting a specialist. Not in order to necessarily enter into a new relationship in the future, but to find one’s place in life, to gain self-worth.

I will add that the fullness of life can be discovered not only in marriage. If a woman decides to live alone after a divorce, this is her right. The desire to love and bear fruit can be fulfilled in other ways. Moreover, if a woman is a believer, then she may well find herself, for example, in social service.

But after a divorce, many women find it difficult to find their place in life also because they devoted themselves exclusively to their family and children. Here is a typical example: one friend worked only for a year after college, then she got married and did not work for 15 years, looking after her children. But her husband left her. But she found herself restless in “adult” life, unable to find where to realize herself. It turns out that a woman is at great risk by staying at home with her children and losing her social status. Should she work “just in case”? It turns out that we must immediately allow an element of mistrust in the relationship?

There is no need to do anything out of a sense of mistrust or just in case. It is necessary to realize the gifts that were given initially. After all, a similar feeling of restlessness can arise even if the husband has not left anywhere, but the children have simply grown up. It’s good when a woman is looking for where to realize herself, not in order to hedge her bets, but to gain that very integrity that we talk about all the time. If a woman fully realized herself in motherhood, then there was no need to look for anything, but since the question arose about finding herself in something else, then it is necessary to turn to her inner interests, to hidden talents. A psychologist can also help with this. All these questions and problems have one single solution: each of us needs to meet ourselves.

Interviewed by Marina Lanskaya

General recommendations

In terms of the intensity of the emotional shock, divorce is comparable to a natural disaster. And any emergency situation, as we know, requires emergency measures and extreme self-control. To prevent a difficult life stage from breaking a woman, it is important for her to distract herself from bad thoughts and pay attention to the following matters:

1. Image. The period of separation is a good opportunity to take care of your appearance. Changing your image, namely: a new hairstyle, wardrobe items, beautiful makeup - all this will lift your spirits and increase self-esteem.
2. Pet. In families without children, an atmosphere of loneliness can reign. There is a solution - get a pet.
3. Sports activities. In your free time, you can visit the pool or gym, where you can not only improve your health, but also make new acquaintances.
4. Trips. New cities and countries will help take your mind off the divorce. While relaxing at the seaside, you can flirt with men without a twinge of conscience, thereby regaining confidence in your sexuality.
5. Repair. If opportunities allow, you can change the environment so that nothing else reminds you of your past life. You should get rid of unnecessary and old things that do not allow you to forget about your ex-spouse.
6. Job. It is important for a woman who was financially dependent on her ex-husband to get back on her feet and fully provide for herself, which may require changing jobs. If the child is already quite old, then it’s time to think about a career.

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How to survive a divorce? Psychology of love and sex.

The sad result of the divorce process is the psychological state of both partners. Each of them is going through this period hard in their own way. What makes a person suffer is the very reason for this situation - a break with a loved one, which will not disappear on its own, it will remain in any case. In order to ease the pain of loss, you need to start treating your ex-lover differently. You need to stop thinking that you cannot live without him, that after leaving your life went downhill. This is absolutely not true; our body and psyche are capable of not only killing ourselves with suffering, but also forgetting about unpleasant situations over time.

Divorce is the end of a relationship, but not your life. You cannot live with a person while being in discomfort and at odds with yourself. There are a huge number of other people in the world and with one of them you will definitely feel good and comfortable, you just shouldn’t be afraid to change your life for the better. Each person experiences such a tragedy in his own way, but each of us must remember that loving yourself is much more important than giving in to feelings that can only bring you pain.

Abandoned: is it possible to live on?

Nobody wants to be an ex-wife, but many women face this. It all depends on what point of view you look at this problem from. After all, he no longer has to report to anyone, save money for new tires for his old car instead of buying boots, prepare hated mashed potatoes instead of fruit salad, sit at home instead of friendly gatherings with colleagues or relaxing with his parents. And in some cases, you won’t have to endure a mother-in-law who meddled in the relationship every now and then.

And if there is more positive than negative, then why be sad? After all, life is wonderful! And there is so much new and unidentified in it that there is simply no time for blues. And it doesn’t matter whether you are 50 years old, 30 or 19: you can always find a man who is worthy and smart.

Don't do any soul-searching

In this situation, the reasons for the breakup are not important, and therefore it is stupid to look for them. First of all, you are completely incapable of objectively assessing what happened, and therefore such an analysis will not lead to anything good. In general, all people are divided into two categories. The first believe that only they are to blame for the breakdown of the relationship. The latter believe that the problem lies solely with the partner. It should be said that both are wrong.

Thus, it is better to postpone the assessment of the divorce until later, when time will allow you to judge what happened with a greater degree of objectivity.