How a woman can decide to divorce her husband: advice from a psychologist

Divorce is a fairly common occurrence in our society. But many people do not understand when it is time to divorce their husband or wife. Not every person can see and recognize this situation in time, which leads to more unpleasant consequences. Each spouse has to decide a difficult task: maintain the relationship or get a divorce. Few spouses manage to maintain normal relationships throughout their lives. There are married couples who, even in old age, look at each other with love and affection.

One can only envy such couples because they managed to cope with a difficult life task - to save their marriage. Marriage is challenging for both spouses. Here, only mutual respect between partners can make a marriage happy. The attraction to each other passes quickly enough. Then there must be something left. What unites spouses, besides physical intimacy. This is intellectual and emotional intimacy. All couples have different relationships.

Along the journey of life, partners experience the ups and downs of the relationship. It is important to react to this correctly and draw conclusions in a timely manner. Often relationships reach a dead end, and there is only one way out. This is a scam.

Women most often initiate divorce; men are much less likely to take this step. In fact, it is more difficult for a man to change his lifestyle in the family and go into the unknown. Usually male representatives leave for another woman and only then declare that they want to get a divorce. And the initiators of the divorce are their current partners. Marriage for some women quite often turns out unsuccessfully. They live with their husband for a long time, experiencing suffering and not leaving him for many reasons. For the other part of the fair sex, divorce is commonplace; they easily take this step even because of the most minor disagreements. In order not to make an irreparable mistake in your life, you need to make sure that the decision you are making is correct . How can a woman understand that she really needs to divorce her husband?

“Initiator” does not mean “culprit”

Even if you leave, you don’t have to consider yourself the destroyer of the family. From that family, perhaps, only an empty shell remained for a long time. Someone is cheated on, family money is stolen from someone, someone has been having sex with someone for years exclusively at 6 in the morning, with someone sleeping. And in the evening, no, sorry, not today. You can't have a bottle of alcohol in someone's house. If one of the two believes that the marriage is over, then the marriage is over.

If you leave because a prince from Monaco is taking you and your children to his yacht... Then you will deal with your guilt yourself, and you don’t need additional discussions. So anyone who tells you what a fool you are for ruining such a wonderful family goes to the garden.

Characteristic features of each stage

Each item from the divorce scheme has its own characteristics.

To fill out the application you must:

• talk to each other;
• determine where and with whom the children will live;
• draw up an agreement on the procedure for child support;
• collect documentary attachments to the application.

Before receiving a notice to appear at a court hearing:

• the authority is considering the problem specified in the petition;
• assigns a date for consideration of the issue;
• sends a summons to both spouses, which reflects the time and place of the trial.

Divorce of a marriage with two children takes place:

• with the participation of the parties at the meeting;
• schedule hearings one month after the claim is received by the office;
• in court, the spouses will have to answer questions about the reasons for the dissolution of family ties;
• prove why children would be better off living with one parent;
• resolve the issue of the place of residence of minor family members.

The consideration of the case can be carried out in the presence of only one party on the basis of a submitted petition. During the process, spouses are allowed to submit written objections or recognition of the requirements.

Don't try to stay friends

If a spark flashed between you at least once in your life, if you had any passion at all, God forbid you try to put on a good face and remain friends, get into a position and all that.

You are parents of common children. You have responsibilities towards these children. It is somehow impossible to force another person to fulfill these duties even in marriage. Without marriage, you have two options - to score (and, by the way, this is an excellent method to later fight off well-wishers and the inner self-righteous. “He was such a great husband, you say? He doesn’t even pay alimony! Why is he like that to us?”) or to scratch through court.

If you get more money through the court than with a travel card, maybe it makes sense. By the way, it is worth remembering that ex-husbands have a funny tendency to forget about verbal agreements about helping children as soon as they have a new personal life. And it will arise.

And maybe. If he does what he promises. If your new man met him, he said, “You actually have good taste. But I was luckier.” If the children slowly got used to his new one and jokingly call her stepmother. If his new one calls you to complain about him, and you laugh together - then, then you can become friends. But still keep your distance.

What is needed to make an informed decision about divorce?

Of course, you shouldn’t try to save a relationship that is already destroyed.
But you need to accurately determine whether this is a simple quarrel or really a collapse of the relationship. If this is a disagreement, then it will be resolved in one of the following ways. The spouses’ ability to compromise and smooth out rough edges plays a role here. If there is no longer any relationship, then there is no need to try to change or mend anything. Often such attempts end in failure anyway; they only take up time and nerves. To make an informed decision about divorce, a woman must have a certain set of character qualities. An important role here is played by her perception of the world around her. What happens in reality should be perceived by a person as it is. It makes absolutely no sense to wish for something that can never happen, or does not depend specifically on a specific person. This sense of reality is inherent in children who still understand little. It seems to them that their desire alone is enough for something to come true. A child's perception of the world in an adult is called infantilism. And often in family relationships there is infantilism that harms them. Usually, some people never manage to grow up over the years. This is due to the costs of their upbringing; perhaps they were surrounded by excessive attention and care. They idealize their marriage and think that it will never fail. When quarrels begin in the family, which are caused by differences in characters and interests, then such a person is not able to respect the opinion of his partner and give in to him.

In this case, the woman tries to remake her husband, to adapt him to herself. Few people will like this situation. The relationship with her husband deteriorates even more. They can be restored at a certain stage, but when hostility has already reached its extreme point, separation may be the best way out. It is important to understand that a person cannot be changed radically; one must perceive him as he is. You yourself chose him this way.

Attempts to change a man end with him starting to pretend. This makes the situation even worse. You cannot lead a relationship to extreme hostility, this can end in disaster.

This is not your war

Whatever he plays now, whatever he does now, whoever he stays with, and whatever he says, it doesn’t concern you. It's not your problem anymore. Of course, he can call and ask in a special voice “what kind of demonstrations? Why did you unfriend me on all the networks?” to which you need to answer in a clear voice “and this is so that you don’t see my locks, of course.”

If he wants to communicate with children, let them communicate directly. Doesn't your child have a phone? Let him buy it. This is not your problem.

Additional meetings

The judge may decide to give the couple time to reconcile. When a divorce from a husband with two children is postponed for 3 months, they must come to a consensus:

• continue or dissolve the marriage;
• who will raise the children?

The court takes into account children's wishes and great attachment to one of the parents, financial status and living conditions. The judge announces the verdict, which will come into force after 30 days. During this time, you can submit rebuttals with your individual requirements. Everything will be considered in court and satisfied if there is no harm to the children's interests. After a divorce with two children, parents receive a decree. The document serves as the basis for the registry office to obtain a certificate confirming the divorce.

Don't discuss reasons for divorce with children

You can and should discuss the consequences with them. We will now live there. So that. With such and such people. Dad will see you then (here’s a dangerous moment, don’t forget to insert “he says so.” Otherwise dad will promise new skates and the whole world to boot for your birthday, but he won’t come at all – and you’ll have to deal with the consequences ).

If a controversial issue arises, call your ex on Skype with the child on your lap and politely say, “Sorry, Victor, Tanya doesn’t quite understand whether she should expect you this weekend or not. Explain to her yourself, please.” And then you calmly leave the frame.

To accusations that you are setting him up, answer with a clear conscience that you are no longer responsible for his relationship with his children, and you are not obligated to sort them out. Your duty is not to say nasty things about him to your children, so you don’t say them.

And the reasons for divorce with children can only be discussed if the children are already so old that you can drink vodka with them. In terms of pedagogy, it is approximately the same.

Marital dissolution scheme

Determining jurisdiction is always difficult for citizens who are far from judicial proceedings and legal topics. This is just a determination - where to submit an application, who to contact, so that the authority has the authority to participate in the process. For family issues that do not cause disputes, a claim is filed with a magistrate. The district legal authority deals with problems. Divorce requirements and conditions are established by the RF IC in Articles 21-23. The judicial procedure consists of the following stages:

• preparatory process - the spouses file a lawsuit, file an application for divorce with two children;
• receive a summons at the address;
• participate in legal proceedings;
• wait 3 months - time is given for reconciliation;
• come to the next meeting;
• listen to the verdict;
• receive a decision on the entry into force of the court verdict.

Either party has the right to appeal the court's decision. If you agree with the procedure for the proceedings, taking into account the time spent on a peaceful settlement, the process will take at least six months. After a divorce with two children, the problems are just beginning; they have to be raised as worthy people. A married couple breaks up, parental responsibilities remain until the offspring comes of age.

Ask for help and take it

We once wrote how to help a friend who was getting divorced - so we sent this post to everyone who asked “how can I help you?” You are going through a difficult period right now. Minus the brain hunger from a dying relationship, minus the everyday services of an adult, plus the inevitable anxiety and neurosis of half-orphaned children, minus the money that the ex did bring to the family.

Here, as I remember, we used to be able to make money easier after a divorce - the man ate something to eat, but threw five thousand a month into the common fund. But, if you decide to get a divorce without leading to such an absurdity, then money will become more difficult. And the opportunity to go somewhere has become even rarer, especially if the children are not high school students.

Ask for help. You won't always be freshly divorced. Sooner or later you will stop being sick, the children will sooner or later accept the situation and also stop giving the country coal, everything will work out, in general. Then you can return the help. Or pass it on.

Who will pay for the maintenance

During a divorce with two children, different advice comes from people who have experienced such a situation, but it is better to take the help of a qualified lawyer. The specialist knows all the legal provisions that can be referred to in each individual case. At the court hearing where the issue of divorce is considered, it is necessary to decide on alimony. This is specified in a separate requirement. The money goes to the one who will be involved in direct education. The judge will rule on the amount of maintenance to be awarded. For 2 children, 33% of all earnings will be withheld. Parents can agree on a fixed amount that the father can transfer once a month to pay for education or a club.

Be with your children as much as you can

According to the airplane principle - put an oxygen mask on 1. yourself 2. on the child. Even if these are students who knew almost all of dad's quirks, your decision to leave is sad and traumatic for them, like a fire made of their children's toys.

“So everything I learned from them doesn’t work?” It is clear that they are freaking out. Another question is that you cannot be made a drain pipe for this negativity. Use the “okay, kids, I’m going to make your mother” method and come cheerful and energetic. And fill the gap with grandma, nanny or his turn.

Is it all mom's fault again? I’ll go alone to the kitchen to drink coffee. I’m going through a divorce, I’m worried, and you sit alone. Have you woken up? Let's eat ice cream? or shall we go to the bathroom and throw paint?

It is also useful to hang a punching bag in the house. All of you have aggression through the roof right now, it’s good to have somewhere to put it to good use. And the children, looking at their mother screaming and hitting a pear with a mop, will stop considering their mother boring. Even if such a thought could creep in on them - after all, a person is in a state of constant self-control: “No, I’m not crying. I will not die. I have things to do. So, let's go to kindergarten...” usually looks just that gray and boring.

If you find an opportunity to go somewhere with your children, consider your strength and decide who you will put the oxygen mask on. If yours is already in place, then we take care of the children. Maybe blame part of the trip on someone else and only take half of it for yourself. But you have to give half of it to the children - it’s very scary to feel that your second parent is leaving you.

Documentary support

Divorce proceedings in court will begin if, in addition to the application, documents confirming various legal facts are attached. These include:

• spouses' passports in original and copies;
• children's birth certificates;
• marriage certificate;
• extracts from housing and communal services, from the local administration about the actual residence of children;
• certificate of payment of state duty.

In the application, in the “appendices” section, each submitted paper is rewritten.

When the husband is a tyrant

The most difficult situation is when a woman runs away from her husband because he behaves like a real tyrant: he threatens, mocks, suppresses, and keeps her and her children in constant fear. You need to leave such a person in any case. And the sooner the better. This union can lead to a real tragedy, the victim of which will be the woman herself or her loved ones.

But what psychologists strongly do not recommend doing is entering into any negotiations with such a person. If your spouse is uncontrollably aggressive, and you know that upon receiving the news of the divorce, he will begin to insult you, destroy your apartment or cause physical harm - do not even try to tell him about it in person. Here's what to do:

1. 
   First of all, try to find a safe place for yourself and your children and move there while your spouse is away.

2. Leave him a letter or telephone message (recorded on his answering machine) informing him of your decision and that it is permanent.
3. Do not agree to meet in person except in a courtroom, and do not reveal your location under any circumstances.
4. Don't make contact, don't believe promises. Such people are very skilled manipulators, accustomed to getting their way at any cost.
5. If you really fear for the health and life of your children, report this to the police and guardianship authorities, who will take control of the situation.
6. Be sure to follow through. If you stop halfway, he will feel his impunity and will soon begin to take revenge for the humiliation he received from you.

Important! Be prepared for the fact that in court he may pretend to be peaceful and surprised by such an unfair attitude towards him on your part. Try to invite witnesses who can confirm the facts of abuse of you or children.

He will certainly give you hope that he will improve. But remember that such people do not change without the help of a psychotherapist - this is a mental disorder that needs to be treated.

How to separate children

Families are different, differ in their relationships and behavior of each member. The usual practice of children staying with their mother is gradually changing. Parents can divide the children among themselves, then no one needs to pay child support and the financial burden will be reduced. Former spouses consider the child's preference for one of them. Only if the former spouses do not agree does the court intervene. There are examples: the judge decides that the mother is unworthy to raise her descendants; the father is in charge of their fate.