Hi all! Has it ever happened that you did or said something with the best intentions, but it was received with hostility? Or did you joke and expect a positive reaction, but the person was offended? You can say “You just don’t understand jokes” and shift the responsibility to the offended person, but the problem is not humor. Agree, we often encounter misunderstandings, but we think that we ourselves understand the feelings and motives of others. Or vice versa, we suddenly stop understanding the people closest to us. Below I will talk about why people do not understand each other, and how to learn to understand people at least a little better.
Why don't people understand each other
What do we mean by understanding? Wikipedia gives this answer:
Understanding is the result of the semantic perception of a speech message.
You listen to the other person and try to understand what he means. You can't feel his emotions, you can't look into his head and see where he's going with this. You interpret his words based on your knowledge and experience. “Understood” means that you correctly deciphered what you heard.
There are 2 reasons why people don't understand each other. To learn to better understand others, you first need to understand the reasons for the misunderstanding.
You think about yourself almost all the time
By and large, people don't care about each other. This does not mean that we are all evil egoists, we are just obsessed with ourselves. If we think about someone, then within the framework of our own reality. If we evaluate, we compare with ourselves. Therefore, by the way, you shouldn’t worry about what others think of you. They simply compare you to their beloved self.
Think about who you remember from those with whom you have not communicated for a long time? Those who have somehow influenced you, positively or negatively. Those with whom common memories are connected. In other words, they are memories of you and someone else. Mostly.
I don't insist on 100% accuracy, but a diagram of the diversity of a person's thoughts looks something like this:
- 60% of attention is focused only on myself - my
goals,
my
feelings,
my
problems; - 30% of attention is paid to my relationships - how my
work will be appreciated, what
of me
, how
friends influence me - 10% is left for empathy - approximately how much we really think about those around us, divide this share among all relatives and acquaintances.
So it turns out that when they tell you about their problems, you most often think about how they can affect you. And only occasionally do people try to really understand what the other person means and feels.
This is only half the story. Let's look at the second reason why people don't understand each other.
You think you already understand others
The problem is not lack of understanding. The trouble is that you seem to understand the person. This illusion gives rise to conflicts.
The meaning of what is said to you is drawn in your head, and does not come into it from the outside. You try to imagine what the person means or feels, deciphering his message on your own. A sad face means that the person is sad, and so on. It seems that you feel this sadness yourself, but you rely on your experience and remember how sad you used to be. In other words, the accuracy of your understanding depends on how accurately you can imagine the other person's feelings
. (I hope I wrote it clearly.)
Sometimes you think you understand each other. But only after you experience a similar situation do you say, “Now I really understand you.” An example is the difference between how you perceive a parachute jump from someone else’s words and after you jump yourself.
Your brain completes what you don't fully see. This is how we are made. If a horse's face appears around the corner, you can easily imagine the whole horse. When they first start telling you something, your brain automatically substitutes the most appropriate option, based on your experience. Therefore, without even listening to the end, you say, “I understand you.” You decide for yourself what the person means.
The conclusion is that people do not understand each other because:
- almost constantly think about themselves;
- We are confident that we have already understood those around us.
This is why sometimes you may stop understanding your loved ones. You are used to looking at them from the point of view of your reality and are confident that you know their train of thought. And this is not always the case.
“I don’t know what I want”: a psychologist explains why this is so and helps you understand your desires
The attitude “Do only what you want, and if you don’t want to, don’t do it” is becoming the motto of the generation of twenty- and thirty-year-olds, but what to do in a situation when you cannot understand what you really want? Psychologist Tatyana Podoprigora helps find the answer to this question.
What is it like not knowing what you want?
Sometimes it seems necessary for someone else to tell you: these are your feelings, these are your thoughts, these are your desires. Everyone falls into this state - when we find ourselves in a difficult or even shocking situation, when it is not clear what to think, and there are so many feelings that it is difficult to understand our own position. At such a moment, it seems that you need a big adult who will take you by the hand and lead you to a safe place, explain what happened and assure you that everything will be fine. This is a natural desire for a child.
Some people grow up in this position, constantly waiting for such guidance. They are looking for a mother in every person who will tell them what to do correctly and explain the situation.
Why is this happening
When there is no psychological separation of the child from the adult, they remain in constant contact, when one person seems to always be stitched together with the other, as a single whole. If two people are one whole, then they have common desires, feelings, and needs. At this moment, you cannot have your own needs and desires.
Such people live for the benefit of family, work, something or someone else, ignoring themselves, not feeling themselves. In childhood, there could be an experience when an adult always covered the child, answering for him and making decisions for him, even when it was time for the child to show independence. And he never learned, and got used to having someone nearby to tell him what was happening. This situation leads to freezing of feelings.
How are feelings related to desires?
The easiest way to explain this connection is through the example of basic needs. How do we understand that we want to go to the toilet? What do we want to eat? We feel it with our body. We sense a signal in our body and recognize it as a sign that it’s time to grab a bite to eat or find the nearest McDonald’s. It happens that these basic needs are ignored for a long time - when you are very passionate about something, you tear yourself away from your body and all your activity is in an important matter - in work, in an interesting film, in a conversation. And the body remains somewhere in the background with all its signals. So it is with other desires and needs.
Listen to your body and emotions
How can I understand whether I want this, or whether someone convinced me, instilled in me a desire?
This question comes up quite often from clients. It can be solved like this: imagine that your wish has come true. For example, a dream about a new profession. Who felt good as a result? Who benefits from the realization of the desire? Maybe at this moment we most want to tell someone about making a wish, and that’s enough. And I don’t want to work anymore. Then we move on, why do we so want this person to know about our new profession? Will this make us better in his eyes? Why do we need this? Here it becomes clear that it’s not about the profession, but about the relationship with a specific person.
If you imagine yourself becoming a cool top manager and your father is finally happy with you, but the work itself does not bring any joy, then there is no need to become a top manager. You need to sort out your relationship with your father.
The process of desire
How to understand what I want? Sometimes this question arises out of confusion, as if something else is hiding behind the desire. Or out of confusion - when we find ourselves in a new environment. It is completely natural to sometimes not know or understand your desires. Confusion for many is something shameful and unbearable, because you can often hear from adults that “you need to have your own opinion,” “why are you mumbling,” “what are you doing,” “come on, get your act together.”
We react to our confusion, and it is this reaction that matters.
Such comments from our loved ones can convey a rejection of speed, slowness and confusion. A certain reaction to this confusion is formed within us - we get scared and strive to quickly get out of it. And as a solution, we cling to the opinion of the majority or, for example, we wait for encouragement and choose what we will be praised for, without thinking about whether we really want it.
Staying confused
If you stay in a state of confusion, slow down, then you can consider your desires behind it. When we order food in a restaurant, we hesitate a little, look, choose and listen to bodily sensations and needs, and so we make a choice. It's the same with other solutions.
But sometimes it’s difficult to choose food, and you want someone to choose it for you and bring it, like in childhood, to take care of it. Excessive care in childhood sometimes blocks this sensitivity and prevents it from developing. As in the classic joke about a Jewish mother:
- Izya, go home!
- Mom, am I cold?
- No, you want to eat!
©
Unsplash
Another common reaction is criticism of one's desires.
A desire arises, and immediately after it the assessment of this desire is “strange”, “stupid”, “childish”, “useless”, it may contradict our idea of what I am or what I should be. We all want to be adults and smart, effective. At the same time, our desire may not correspond to these ideas and expectations from ourselves, so criticism immediately censors it. This is a second process, often we “skip” it, not realizing that we are criticizing ourselves. Paying attention to your assessments of other people and paying attention to your fantasies can help here.
How to learn?
The state of a beginner needs to be trained, make mistakes, try. Don't be afraid to be an ignorant person. We have been trained for a long time to know, to be able to argue, to be competent.
Barbara Sher in her book “What to Dream” suggests answering questions to explore your desires:
- What do I do most often, if you look at my life globally?
- What did I like to do in the past?
- What don't I like to do?
- What do I dream about, fantasize about, who am I in my fantasies?
- What am I afraid of?
The answers to these questions can bring you closer to understanding your true desires.
Wanting is a skill
Its formation in childhood occurs naturally. As you grow older, it can develop or be blocked. This is training, studying the signals of your body, feelings. We are ready to adapt to those we love, who surround us; we often know how to listen well to others, but not to ourselves. If this is about you, then you can try different things and look at your reaction, learn to be attentive to yourself. Allowing yourself to think about yourself and your desires is not selfishness, it is healthy concern.
How to learn to understand people better
To understand another person means to get to know his reality. (Mikhail Lex)
3 simple tips to help you understand others better:
1. Stop thinking that everything is clear.
Stop thinking about it for everyone! There may be many more options than you might imagine. It seems everything is so clear? Ask clarifying questions, describe how you understood the person, and he himself will shed light on the blind spots of his story.
2. Learn to listen.
How often do you listen to someone until the end without waiting your turn to tell a more interesting story? Does it happen that you interrupt your interlocutor with the words “I had this too” and don’t let you finish? Or do you listen while flipping through the news feed or clicking on TV? Try to give the person 100% of your attention, this is the only way you will have a chance to understand him.
3. Look at the other person's situation through their eyes.
There is no need to try to pull someone else's situation onto yourself.
Everyone is different, with different values, weaknesses and motivations. To understand how a person feels, try to be them. Find out how the poet lived and you will understand his poems.
What does it take for people to understand each other? Now you know the answer.
Gossipers
The main motive of such a person is the desire to belittle other people. His words are always saturated with poison and bile, and addressed to mutual acquaintances. They constantly gossip, share other people's secrets, discuss the personal lives of mutual friends, criticize and condemn them. The desire to break off relations with such a person arises naturally, but there are also more subtle representatives of this category who behave in a veiled manner. They feel by the reaction of their interlocutor when they cross the line, and stop in time. The only thing that truly scares a toxic gossip is the risk of experiencing their own pain.
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People evaluate innovation using intuition, not logic.
Opponents and defenders of new technologies constantly make loud claims describing the impact of innovations on health, science, the environment, psychology and any other area. Just to support your point of view.
Some theses are logically substantiated, others are invented on the fly. Once upon a time, people were sure that coffee either made you infertile or caused the development of nervous diseases. People generally react to innovation intuitively, and they only need evidence to confirm their opinion.
A person sees a new product and reacts emotionally to it because innovation becomes a test for his worldview. And this happens with any new product.
Kalestos Yuma
People who hate life
These are toxic people who do not so much strive to cultivate anger and aggression as they hate all the joyful aspects of life. They resist all positive turns in their own destiny, and at the same time prevent those around them from feeling happy. If someone next to such a person begins to talk about good events in their life, the reaction of the toxic interlocutor will be to point out negative factors. He will certainly find something to complain about and speak out about it, ruining the mood of those around him.
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Procrastination
– So, starting tomorrow I’ll go on a diet! No, better from Monday.
“I’ll finish it later, when I’m in the mood.” There's still time.
- Ah..., I’ll write tomorrow. It's not going anywhere.
Sound familiar? This is procrastination, that is, putting things off until later.
A painful state when you need it and don’t want it.
Accompanied by tormenting oneself for not completing the assigned task. This is the main difference from laziness. Laziness is an indifferent state, procrastination is an emotional state. At the same time, a person finds excuses and activities that are much more interesting than doing specific work.
In fact, the process is normal and inherent to most people. But don't overuse it. The main way to avoid this is motivation and proper prioritization. This is where time management comes to the rescue.
Why don't they understand me?
So you look at yourself in the mirror and see an attractive-looking person who has not yet managed to do much and is full of ambitions... but in reality you feel a broken state of hopelessness. Obsessive thoughts sound in my head: “Why is everyone avoiding me when I want to be heard, I want to tell you what has accumulated in me over the years? What did I do wrong to them?
The complaint “no one understands me” occurs when you are overtaken by an uncontrollable feeling of loneliness. It is important for people to be heard, to share news, to feel support or signs of love, but few will survive constant indifference from others.
Everyone is immersed in a society where millions of people interact with each other. Life circumstances force individuals of different personalities to collide, which is why there is a fundamental lack of mutual understanding between them. And it happens that a person has not done anything negative to you, but in your subconscious you do not want to get involved with him and start a relationship. For many, the norm is to say “hello” and “bye” and that’s the end of the conversation.
Take a character test
Why doesn't anyone like me, because I was raised to respect others and be sociable? People often come to a psychotherapist with this question, and he answers them with a smile: “Your answer may lie in childhood or adolescence.” An overabundance of parental care often makes a child dependent on help. His self-esteem is not strong enough, and he is shown that everything is being done without his participation.
Lack of attention makes the child’s unformed psyche hostage to resentment and self-isolation. In the future, such people experience problems in socialization, because in both cases the person does not have communication skills or stress resistance. The fear that “they won’t love me, they won’t understand me, I’d better keep silent, I shouldn’t be here” drives the victim into a dead end.
Nobody understands me - this is the syndrome of a forgotten, undervalued person who expects reciprocity from others. It’s nice to say good news, and they pat you on the shoulders and say “well done”, “how did you do it?” It's nice to receive spontaneous calls when you don't expect it and an invitation to a cafe. But if your friends are only on social networks, and your colleagues selfishly drink coffee and discuss your shortcomings, then you need to think about it.
The problem lies in the person himself, because it is better to start with yourself, and not try to change everyone - this will not work and there is no such authority. Psychology is affected by all the shocks that a person has experienced during his adult years. An unsuccessful romance, which turned into a scandal, made the girl hostage to complexes about starting a new relationship. The loss of a loved one completely destroyed dreams and now the person is deeply depressed. Ridicule in childhood turned the child into an egoist, and in adulthood he thinks only of himself. Regardless of what happened to us yesterday, it is important not to let loneliness overcome our hopes for a happy life.
Take the self-esteem test
