Advice from a psychologist: how to survive a divorce from your husband if there is a child in the family

Divorce is a hard blow for both spouses. All usual life, all hopes for happiness are crumbling before our eyes. And when children also suffer, overcoming this challenge is doubly difficult. How to survive a divorce from your husband if you have a child? How to survive divorce with two children? How to help children cope with the fact that their family will no longer be the same?

Is it worth saving a marriage for the sake of a child?

This question is asked by spouses in whose relationship there is no longer mutual understanding and love, quarrels have become more frequent, and often each of them is visited by thoughts of divorce.

Some make a choice in favor of the child, do not want to traumatize his psyche and remain to live together, but as strangers. Others decide to divorce and feel guilty that they could not preserve a happy childhood for their child, when mom and dad love and care for their baby together.

But remember, dear parents: saving a marriage makes sense only when the parents behave respectfully towards each other and can resolve their differences. Otherwise, constant scandals, life in an atmosphere of hatred and irritation of parents towards each other will leave a deep mark on the mental development of the child.

As a rule, children deeply experience everything that happens between their parents. And they feel that mom and dad no longer love each other and don’t want to be together.

Therefore, before answering this question, think about whether you and your spouse can maintain an atmosphere of acceptance and respect in the family, or whether it would be better for you to separate and live separately from each other.

Hold or let go

Before deciding which tips on “how to survive a divorce from your wife” will be useful, you need to decide whether the separation is final or whether there is a chance to improve the relationship. In the first case it is important:

• “let go” of the situation. Resentment, anger, jealousy and irritation are non-constructive emotions. They will not help smooth out the problem, they will not allow you to calmly accept changes in life;
• Do not take out your indignation at your spouse’s actions (or your decision, forced or voluntary) on relatives and children. The exception is if the separation was the result of deliberate intervention by loved ones. However, here too a careful analysis of actions is necessary;
• promptly resolve financial issues without infringing on the rights of the ex-girlfriend and joint children;
• find a way to distract yourself from negative emotions. Alcohol, drugs, gambling addiction and aggression towards others are not considered as a means of distraction.

If problems in the family can be solved and the old relationship can be restored, then you need to think not about how it is easier to survive a divorce from your wife, but about actions to get her back.

Divorce of parents through the eyes of a child

How do children cope with their parents' divorce?

How will you feel when someone you love so much suddenly leaves you? Remember: children are experiencing not just a divorce from mom and dad, but their own divorce from one of their parents, their loss.

Children do not suspect that family relationships depend not only on the love of parents for children, but also on the love and respect of mom and dad for each other. And they worry not only because dad leaves home because of quarrels with mom, but also because the son or daughter himself is not valuable enough for dad, since he cannot stay for him.

Adults also know this feeling when, after parting with a loved one, we ask ourselves questions: maybe I did something wrong, maybe I wasn’t good enough for him?

A child whose parents divorced feels:

• sadness (“How sad I am without my dad. Now no one plays dinosaurs with me or goes to the park on weekends”);
• anger at the parent who, in his opinion, is to blame for the divorce (“It’s mom’s fault that dad left us, she constantly yelled at him”);
• feeling of guilt (“Dad doesn’t live with us now because I behaved badly and broke toys. If I behave well, maybe dad will come back?”);
• resentment (“I thought dad loved me and would never part with me, but he up and left”);
• fear, anxiety, worry (“If mom no longer loves dad and drove him away, maybe tomorrow she will also stop loving me and drive me away?”);
• shame (“What will I say in kindergarten/school when they ask me about my dad? After all, now we don’t live with him”).

The combination of these destructive (destructive) emotions leads to the fact that children feel small, helpless and unable to somehow change their circumstances.

The absence of a visible reaction (the child does not cry, does not strive for loneliness, remains outwardly calm and balanced) does not mean that he is not experiencing his parents’ divorce. It’s just that all his negative and painful feelings are hidden deep inside, and the longer they remain there, the harder it will be for the child to cope with them.

The ideal age of a child for parents to divorce: does it exist?

Many parents believe that the ideal age when a child will react less painfully to their parents' divorce is adolescence. The son or daughter can themselves assess what is happening and take someone else’s position from the parents.

In fact, there is no suitable age for a child when the divorce of his parents would not cut the ground from under his feet and deprive him of confidence in the future.

Divorce of parents is a difficult and painful event for a child. Children of different ages experience it in their own way.

• Children under 3 years old do not yet understand that mom and dad are getting a divorce, but they can feel it from the mood of their parents and the tension in the family situation. They may begin to be capricious, cry for no reason, sleep and eat poorly. Developmental regression may also occur: the child “forgets” all the skills he has learned - eating with a spoon, going to the potty.
• At the age of 3 to 6 years, children experience the most difficult time when one parent leaves the family. They often blame themselves and think that dad or mom just stopped loving him. Children often feel sad, seek solitude, and cry. Aggressive behavior may appear, directed either at one of the parents or at peers.

A child whose parents are on the verge of divorce suddenly becomes seriously ill. And then he again finds himself surrounded by the love and attention of both parents. This is how the protective mechanism of the child’s psyche is triggered, trying to protect him from unfavorable life changes.

• Schoolchildren from 6 to 13 years old, whose parents have separated, often hide this fact from friends and teachers, and feel ashamed of having an incomplete family. For the majority, their academic performance declines, conflicts arise with peers, and resentment and anger arise at their parents for the dysfunction of the family. Children begin to deceive, be rude, and not respond to the comments of their elders.
• In adolescence, parental divorce is superimposed on the child’s identity crisis. A son or daughter may already understand the true reasons for their parents’ divorce, but they will be hostile to a new family member – their stepfather or stepmother.

How to behave with children

So that children do not suffer so much from their parents’ divorce and do not blame themselves for their separation, it is worth listening to quite simple recommendations. Some of them are known to many, but not everyone can use such advice in practice. Although you have to try. So. The first thing to do is talk to your children. Talk a lot and for a long time. Don't play the silent game. Answer all their questions as thoroughly as possible. Children are wiser than they seem at first glance. They are able to understand everything - if not words, then emotions, energy messages, mood. Therefore, before talking, you must calm down and try to speak from a position of love and acceptance.

You should never turn a child against the other parent! No matter how complex the relationship may be, it should be clearly understood that this is exclusively a relationship in a couple, which is strictly forbidden to transfer to children. You should not convey to your children your irritation or even hatred of your ex-spouse. Never tell your child “your dad is bad” or “your mom is an idiot.” This can only traumatize your own beloved children, drive your fears and complexes into them, which can then play a very cruel joke on them in adulthood. It is very important for children to love and respect both parents. For a complete picture of the world, they must know that dad and mom love them equally. Whether he is a good or a bad dad (mom), they will figure it out themselves when they grow up. You should try to agree with the other party on a clear schedule of communication with the children, discuss all the nuances in advance, so as not to sort things out in front of the children with shouts of “you should have returned them an hour ago.” Even if it happens that someone is behind schedule, try to talk about it calmly and preferably without the presence of children. Any conflict in the presence of a child is a great stress for the child’s psyche.

Article on the topic

"Divorce is an escape." A psychologist talks about why marriages break up. The opposite situation happens, when the second parent does not want to communicate with the children anymore, and this, of course, traumatizes the kids who miss their dad/mom. If you spur these emotions with your grievances, this will only double the negative situation for the child. You should always think first not about your emotions (by the way, you definitely need to work with them in order to let go of the situation), you should think about your children. Explain to them that this happens, that a person is busy, or confused, or that it is also not easy for him/her, try to give the child a state of acceptance, not judgment. Try to explain to your child that the world is beautiful, but imperfect, that anything can happen, that people are generally good, but make mistakes. Teach your children to let go and forgive. This will be very useful to them in later life. You should not try to compensate for the divorce and your own absence (or the absence of the other parent) with excessive custody, gifts, permissiveness and other similar things. We must try to ensure that there are minimal changes in the children’s everyday life. Kids are very prone to following habits, rituals, and normal daily routines. Don’t knock them out of this established world with fireworks from cartoons, popcorn and Coca-Cola, if they couldn’t do it before - this can only do harm. There is no need to impose your heart-to-heart conversations on children, pour out your offended inner world on them, that’s why there are psychologists, and in extreme cases, girlfriends. You should not allow them to listen to your conversations with your girlfriends/friends in the kitchen about your ex-other half. By shifting your problems onto your children, you make them responsible. As a result, they are deprived of their childhood and immediately become adults, missing many stages of gradual and proper growing up. Under no circumstances should you use manipulation for your other ex-half with the help of children. They should not become bargaining chips in parental squabbles. Flies separately, cutlets separately. “If you don’t do this, I won’t let the children go to the movies with you.” Have you asked the children what they want? Your relationship is your relationship. The children have nothing to do with it. Children are separate people, individuals, respect and love them. This should be memorized as a mantra and repeated daily.

Our new family. How to find a common language with children from previous marriages? More details

Well, one last thing. It’s a well-known rule, but it’s never a bad idea to remind ourselves that there is only one formula for the happiness and health of our children: happy parents = happy children. Show your child by example that divorce is not the end of the world, that life goes on, it is beautiful, that happiness is within us, that the world is imperfect and people make mistakes. But this is our experience, our lessons, and they give us a lot of strength and wisdom if we understand and accept them. There are no universal rules of behavior for everyone, but there are laws that are obvious to thinking people by which the world lives, and people who stop fighting with this world have every chance of a happy and healthy life. The main thing is to learn this yourself and pass on the knowledge to children. Then they will be able to calmly and without much loss survive any event in their lives.

How to tell your child about divorce?

1. Take into account the age of the child. Psychologists do not recommend reporting the fact of divorce to children under three years of age. You can tell a preschooler that mom and dad will no longer live together, but despite this, dad loves him and will see him constantly. Teenagers can guess about the difficult situation in the family. Therefore, they can be told that their parents have ceased to respect and understand each other, and it is better for them to separate.
2. Choose a suitable setting for the conversation, when you and your child are not in a hurry and there are no distractions. It is better if both parents participate in the conversation.
3. Do not deceive your child with stories about your dad going on a long business trip, to the Far North, flying into space, etc. Firstly, the child will subconsciously still feel your lie. This will negatively affect his trust in you. Secondly, everything secret becomes clear at some point, and it will be doubly difficult for the child to find out about his father’s departure and about his mother’s deception.
4. This seems absurd, but many parents, in a fit of anger, begin to ask their child: “So who do you love more? Who will you stay with: mom and dad?” Do not subject your son or daughter to such psychological violence. The baby loves both parents equally and experiences a state of shock upon learning that they will no longer live together. And then mom and dad put him before such a serious adult choice, which should fall on their shoulders, and not become a burden for a child with a fragile psyche.
5. During the conversation, do not try to sort things out with your second spouse. Leave all grievances and complaints against each other for later. Now it is important for you to inform your child about your breakup in a way that does not cause him psychological trauma for the rest of his life.
6. It is not necessary to tell the child that “dad fell in love with another woman.” Speak in simple and understandable phrases that mom and dad will no longer live together, each of them now has their own life, but they both still love their child, care and worry about him.
7. Do not use the word “divorce” in your speech when talking to a preschooler or schoolchild; they may not always correctly interpret its meaning.

   

8. Be prepared for the fact that your child will immediately have many questions after being told about the divorce. For him, this situation is new, unusual, and he does not know what awaits him in the future.
9. Together with your spouse, convince the child that it is not he and not his actions that are the reason for the divorce, relieve him of the feeling of guilt. Explain that Mom and Dad still love him and will always love and care for him, even if they don't live together.
10. A child’s reaction to a message about a divorce can be different: anger, tears, hysteria, or, conversely, silence and withdrawal. Take it calmly, let the child be alone or caress and hug.
11. Even if you and your spouse approach the conversation about divorce competently, the child will still experience the separation of mom and dad. Your task is to make these experiences less painful and burdensome for the child, to minimize the traumatic impact on his psyche.

Parting: typical reaction of a spouse

The psychology of men and women is different. Divorce is an unpleasant period. Life comes to a standstill, and relationships that lasted a long period of time end. The usual way of life is changing. The man begins to live alone, changing his outlook on life. There is a desire to punish the wife. Unused free time appears. Psychologists identify typical behavioral reactions of a man experiencing a divorce from his wife:

1. Detachment. By studying the opinion of a psychologist, you can find out typical behavior patterns. Withdrawal is a dangerous reaction. A man refuses to show his true feelings to others. Inside, a guy is trying to figure out how to get over his divorce from his wife. Signs confirming the presence of experiences are silence and isolation. The guy often refuses to eat. There is a desire to achieve peace of mind. Moral injury is treated with alcohol. Depression develops. A visit to a psychologist will help you overcome this reaction.
2. Posturing. A man who has gone through a divorce tends to maintain a defiant behavior. The guy demonstrates a lack of need for a family. The fact that the woman you love is gone doesn’t hurt. The ex-husband demonstrates that depression is unusual for him. However, reality is different from illusions. The guy feels lonely, misses his wife and doesn’t know how to get over the breakup. My ex-husband is suffering from depression. A man spends hours analyzing a breakup. The guy is self-flagellation. If the wife leaves, and the husband chooses a behavioral reaction, then there is cause for concern. The end result of the situation is moral exhaustion. Depression will lead to bad habits.
3. Trying to maintain a relationship with my wife. If the initiator of the divorce is a woman, the guy refuses to accept the situation. The husband tries to ignore what happened, trying to save the family. The behavior does not change. The tactics are followed by husbands who are accustomed to hearing threats about breaking up their relationship. On a subconscious level, a man has the hope that the application for divorce is another manipulation of his wife. You won't have to go through a breakup. Psychologists advise accepting the current situation. The husband must direct his energy to finding an answer to how to survive a divorce from his wife? Studying the advice of a psychologist, the guy will analyze the situation. Conclusion - the chosen tactics will not bring results. The couple will separate. The husband realizes that his wife has left. If you take into account the opinion of a psychologist, it will become clear that life does not end with separation. The world moves on. The guy must survive the situation. The reason is the realization of goals.

Ignoring the problem will make the situation worse.

To find a solution, you need to visit a psychologist. The doctor will tell you how to forget your ex-wife. Tips will help you survive the current situation. The psychologist will tell you that there is a way to survive the breakup. The result of the visit will be a developed system of actions aimed at alleviating the man’s condition. Depression will not occur. The desire to punish your wife will not appear.

Parents' mistakes

So, you informed your child that you are getting a divorce, your marriage is officially dissolved, and now each of you lives your own life.

And here most parents begin to make gross mistakes that cost their child very dearly.

Remember, dear parents: by making these mistakes, you destroy the child’s already shaken world, depriving him of the opportunity to survive his parents’ divorce without severe psychological trauma.

Relationship with ex-husband after divorce

It often happens that fathers after divorce do not pay child support or pay very small amounts. Of course, this approach hurts the mother, because the child needs to buy so many things and now everything falls on her shoulders.

Even if this happened, you should not involve your child in these topics. Even if you really want to do it. The phrases “dad forgot about you”, “dad doesn’t need you” traumatize the child even more than the fact of divorce.

Do not think that the child will always remain ignorant and not understand the true essence of things. The child will grow up and understand who took care of him and raised him. But at this stage, the baby is not to blame for the fact that dad turned out to be a dishonest person.

Important: Do not injure the child. Your goal now is to preserve the child’s fragile psyche.

It is much more difficult to improve relationships after a divorce from your ex-husband. If the father helps financially and shows a desire to participate in the child’s life, do not deprive the child of this communication. It is very important for a child when dad comes to his matinee, when he and dad make something together and play.

The role of the father in raising a child is great, whether it is a boy or a girl. Therefore, try not to interfere with the child’s communication with his dad, if he is not a drug addict, not an alcoholic, or an antisocial person. At the same time, do not get into arguments with your ex-husband in the presence of your child.

Communication between father and child after divorce

What do psychologists advise?

1. Try to maintain respect for each other after a divorce. Despite the fact that now everyone has their own life, you are connected by a child. Do everything possible for his happiness and well-being!
2. Pay attention to changes in the child’s behavior: deterioration in sleep, appetite, frequent colds, decreased performance at school, conflicts with peers, aggressive behavior. All this suggests that your son or daughter is experiencing severe stress. If you cannot cope with the situation on your own or do not know what to do or how to help your child, seek help from a psychologist.
3. Discuss in advance with your ex-spouse the schedule of meetings with the child, and, if possible, your joint meetings. Try not to disrupt the child’s usual lifestyle and daily routine.
4. Parents must maintain a consistent parenting style. What mom allows, dad should not prohibit and vice versa.
5. Try not to take it out on your child or throw out all the accumulated negativity on him. It’s hard for you to go through a divorce, and it’s doubly hard for your child, because his usual world has collapsed, and he has to rebuild it and look for new supports. This is a very difficult task for the child's psyche.
6. Spend more free time with your child, walk, play, visit new places. But if he wants to be alone, give him this opportunity.
7. Do not discuss your ex-husband with anyone in front of your child. Neither over the phone nor in person.

Dear mothers! After divorcing your husband, do not make it your goal to focus entirely on raising your child and his affairs. Your life goes on. Chat with friends, go to theaters, cafes, make new acquaintances. Do not prevent your child from growing up and do not “smother” him with your excessive care and guardianship.

Divorce is a difficult experience for all family members, especially for the mother. Many problems fall on fragile women's shoulders. Try, under the weight of responsibility and the weight of worries that have fallen on you, not to forget that you are not alone, you have a child, parents, friends, acquaintances. Don't be shy to ask for help if you feel like you can't cope.

How men feel about breaking up a relationship

The ability not to show outward emotions, instilled in early childhood, has a bad effect on the male half of humanity. The inability to express feelings in tears, conversation, or actions leads to worsening stress. In this case, the reaction of the stronger sex to the desire expressed by the spouse to separate is manifested as:

1. Denial of the situation. The “ostrich” position - if I don’t see a problem, there isn’t one. In this case, the man is not thinking about how to survive a divorce from his wife and child, but how to hide family troubles from strangers and himself;
2. Bravado. The man assures his ex-wife and himself and his loved ones that the breakup of the family is indifferent to him, his girlfriend is of no interest and can be replaced by another;
3. Aggression. Realizing that the marriage is being destroyed, the husband puts pressure on his former beloved and relatives. Treats loved ones (including children) inappropriately, splashing out negativity on them;
4. Nagging. The situation manifests itself as complaints “my wife left, how to survive a divorce,” demonstrative suffering, hysterics. There may be cases of ostentatious suicide;
5. Closedness. A man “closes himself in”, conceals emotions and rejection of the situation. Deep depression and actual suicide are possible. Such a person needs advice from a psychologist - they will help him survive a divorce from his wife and not ruin his life in 50...75% of cases.

Can a stepfather replace a child's father?

The appearance of a new husband at the mother's house can awaken in the child the worries that he experienced during the divorce.

Some mothers believe that the “new dad” will now replace the child’s father. In fact, this is a big mistake; it is unacceptable to confuse the personality of the father with paternal functions. A stepfather can take on the functions of care and education, but this does not mean that you need to stop meeting and communicating with your own father.

You cannot demand from a child that he call his stepfather “dad” so that he loves him immediately and unconditionally. The child may not accept your choice; he needs time. Just as your new boyfriend won your heart, he should win your child's heart. Unfortunately, many men are not ready to establish contact with a child from a previous marriage.

But if the stepfather treats the child well, has wisdom and patience, he will be able to win him over. The natural father must also understand that in the life of his son or daughter there has appeared not a dear person, but a very significant one. At the same time, none of the child’s relatives should try to remove the past from their memory: the child’s own father was and will always be necessary.

Divorce is a difficult time for every family member. Try not to let the feeling of guilt consume you, and at the same time, do everything possible so that the child does not suffer. It is important that the child grows up as a happy and healthy person. Divorce often becomes a threshold on the path to good changes, never lose heart.