Life is not a clean slate. How to get over a breakup

Breaking up - what to do and how not to burn out, but to start living a new life

Most people have experienced heartbreak at least once after breaking up with a loved one. The whole world is collapsing and it seems that there is no strength to continue life without a soulmate. Advice from psychologists on how to survive a breakup will help you cope with your feelings and start a new happy life.

Why do you feel bad from a scientific point of view?

The “broken” state after a breakup is caused by hormonal changes in the body. What distinguishes humans from primates and other animals are social bonds, which include love. To understand what happens to the brain during separation, it is necessary to determine the physiological processes that accompany falling in love.

• Attraction. As soon as partners who are suitable for each other meet, those same “butterflies in the stomach” appear. The hormone testosterone is responsible for ensuring libido.
• Love. Motivation to achieve a partner is provided by the hormone dopamine, which activates the reward system - internal confidence in pleasure with the object of passion. At this stage, cortisol is produced, which puts the body into a state of stress. Adrenaline begins to actively release, hence the pounding of the heart, the desire to jump at the sight of a loved one.
• When you fall in love, norepinephrine levels increase. The hormone fixes in memory the stimuli associated with the object of passion - in scientific words this is called “imprinting”. The image of the beloved is sealed in the memory, which makes it difficult to survive the separation in the future. At the same time, the level of serotonin decreases, as in obsessive-compulsive disorder, obsessive thoughts about a loved one haunt you.

When everything is good in a relationship, there is a feeling of security and emotional stability. During sex and social contacts, partners produce the joy hormone oxytocin. This is how nature intended for the couple to stay together and raise their offspring to continue the species.

What happens to the body when you break up?

At the beginning of a relationship, the brain produces the joy hormones oxytocin and dopamine. When the object of passion is nearby, the reward system is activated - a feeling of happiness.

After a breakup, the reward system turns off, the protective pain perception system turns on, and stress hormones are produced. They affect the immune, cardiovascular and digestive systems, and the brain receives signals about physical pain. And although everything is fine with the body, it seems to the person that he is experiencing a painful shock.

The posterior cingulate gyrus begins to work intensively, sending pain signals to the neurons of the brain. When looking at a photograph of a former lover, the secondary somatosensory cortex and insula are activated, sending a signal of acute pain. At times of stress and social rejection, opioids are produced - natural painkillers, as in the case of a fracture or other sharp pain.

On a note!

Takotsubo syndrome is a malfunction of the heart muscle under the influence of stress hormones. In severe cases it leads to death. A popular name is broken heart syndrome.

What happens to an abandoned person

Numerous studies concerning how men and women experience separation have confirmed that a break with a loved one causes severe psycho-emotional shock, which leads to frustration, mental discomfort and a feeling of uselessness. The abandoned person feels humiliated, betrayed, hurt, and also loses self-esteem. A difficult breakup can undermine the established understanding of values ​​​​such as family, commitment and love. Changes in feelings and emotions affect the entire system of a person’s worldview, his beliefs and convictions change.

Psychologists note that often people experiencing a breakup develop two patterns of behavior: aggression or a victim complex. Aggression is manifested by fierce emotions, bitterness of resentment, irritation, and vindictiveness. The victim complex is manifested by an apathetic state, depression, increased emotionality, tearful hysterics and constant complaints. A person who turns himself into a victim begins to live with memories. He blames himself for everything and reproaches himself for not being able to foresee and prevent the separation. Most often, women become victims, and men choose an aggressive model of behavior that excludes self-flagellation and apathy.

Defense reactions of the psyche

Knowing the processes that occur in a person’s psyche when a relationship ends will help you get over a separation from your loved one more quickly. The psychological defense mechanism is activated, these stages must be experienced.

• Negation. At the first stage, a defensive reaction is activated in the form of denial of the fact. Women are especially prone to this. You can often hear the phrase “He left, but he has no one. So, sooner or later we will make peace.”
• Crowding out. The abandoned partner convinces himself that the pain will soon go away. At this stage, it is necessary to work through grievances; the state of repression can drag on for several years.
• Anger. A useful reaction to relieving tension is a stream of accusations and insults directed towards a former partner. Allows you to remember all the grievances, collect them into a single whole and, based on these facts, create a negative image of your partner.
• Bargain. Setting a deadline during which the partner can return helps to survive the pain of parting with a loved one after a long relationship. A time stamp divides time into “before” and “after” and helps to psychologically accept the situation.
• Regression. The beginning of a depressive period, when reactions are inhibited. The psychological defense mechanism is triggered: the will, the desire to live, and appetite disappear.
• Depression. The realization comes that the past cannot be returned; the time for attempts at reconciliation has run out. A period of apathy, sadness and despair begins.
• Sublimation. Immersion in work or hobbies helps to survive a difficult, painful breakup. Gradually, the traumatic event is erased from memory.
• Adoption. After a sufficient period of time, the painful symptoms disappear and acceptance of the new situation begins. Mental strength is restored, a desire to move on appears, past relationships are perceived as a completed chapter.

On a note!

Before the stage of acceptance, a person who has experienced a painful separation from a loved one, the tension in the psyche is looking for a way out. Auto-aggression - acute reactions in the form of aggressive attacks on any word, turning to alcohol or angry posts on social networks.

What mistakes do people make after a breakup?

Instead of understanding themselves, many quickly look for a replacement for their loved one. And usually this does not lead to anything good. Before looking for love, you need to love yourself.

There is no need to try to return to your previous relationship, even if it seems to you that you cannot live without this person. It's just fear speaking in you. After a long relationship, it’s scary to be alone, and this is a completely normal reaction.

There is no need to try to return your loved one if he does not want it himself. Even if he returns, the relationship will no longer be the same, and it is unlikely that anything good will come out of the future relationship.

If your relationship ended and you had to break up, then all your love was a façade. There is no need to cling to it, but you need to soberly assess the situation and make a decision for yourself on how to build your life in the future, without your loved one.

No matter how painful it is, you have to leave and leave forever.

After breaking up with your loved one, there is no need to quickly look for a replacement and try to “tie” him for a long time. This does not mean that you don’t need to communicate and get to know anyone. No, you need to meet new people, enjoy relationships, but not try to make these relationships long-lasting. In six months to a year, internal sensations will tell you whether it is worth continuing further.

And you must understand that the person should not be your property. He just needs to be happy. Just like you, he must live his own life and have the right to choose.

How to help yourself

It is impossible to avoid a mixture of bitterness, resentment, hope and despair, but you can help yourself overcome this state. Don’t try to deny your emotions, run away from awareness, or consider them anger - work on restoring your inner balance and accepting the situation.

Reclaim your own identity

The main problem after a breakup is the loss of self-identity. During a relationship, your partner integrates into your life and a picture of a common future is built.

A broken picture of one’s own self prevents one from surviving a breakup with a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife. Use a moment of crisis to reflect on your expectations from life. Build a picture of the future, define goals and move towards achieving them.

Keep a diary

Keeping a diary will help you express all the painful thoughts and feelings, calm your mind and regain control over your assessment of the situation. Write down on paper or type in a file everything you want to say to your ex-lover. Write down all your thoughts every day, trying to comprehend the past stage. This will help turn the past into experience and complete the process of realizing the separation.

Hang out with positive people

Many people have felt the same pain while suffering from love addiction. Talk to a positive person who has gone through a breakup and found peace of mind. Someone else's experience will make it clear that you can become happy.

Advice!

Avoid communicating with friends who consoling streams of negativity towards your ex or ex. By cultivating a negative attitude, you will become fixated on sad thoughts and revenge. This will prevent you from adequately assessing the situation and getting out of depression.

How do people cope with breakups?

Everyone knows the fact that the basic need of every person is the need for love. Moreover, when the brain realizes that love has been betrayed and the relationship has been broken off against its will, depression begins to develop. It becomes difficult for the body to accept a new reality and conditions that do not fit into its understanding. The brain is not able to instantly forget about a love affair and stop producing the corresponding hormones. And memories of the past only fuel painful feelings due to the breakup. Passionate love and separation from a loved one can greatly harm the psyche.

The first days and weeks after the end of a relationship become simply unbearable and difficult. Women may not control their own emotions and burst into tears in front of everyone. Pain appears when you see happy lovers, weddings or married couples on a walk. Men can suffer just as much as women. But their emotions are rarely visible to others, as they can hide them. However, this is reflected in behavior in any case. They begin to avoid love relationships in order to protect themselves from repeated pain of separation and disappointment. Some become vindictive and aggressive. Such men deliberately make gullible women fall in love with them, and then leave them in the dark.

All people experience separation from their partner differently. For some, mental pain begins to affect their health. Prolonged depression in this case can be expressed by motor retardation, increased blood pressure, apathy, weakness, panic attacks or nervous tics. In addition, the abandoned person often has a decrease in self-esteem. To relieve these unpleasant symptoms and mental pain, many begin to drink alcohol or psychotropic substances.

Psychologists assure that after parting, abandoned people do not suffer for the object of passion itself, but only miss the emotions that they felt next to him. Adding to the drama are the memories that keep spinning in your head with happy pictures. It is very important to realize that mental pain intensifies precisely because of them. You need to understand that suffering does not arise due to the absence of a person who decided to leave and thereby betrayed love, but because of the past, which can never be returned. Realizing that pain is rooted in self-pity and selfishness, it will be much easier to survive separation.

How long does it take to get over a breakup?

There is no clear answer to how long it takes to get over a breakup with your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife. For some, a month is enough to get rid of thoughts about the past and start a new life, for others it takes years.

The intensity and duration of the experience directly depend on a combination of three factors:

• type of temperament;
• the circumstances under which the separation occurred;
• the desire and effort put into starting life from scratch.

Psychologists believe that the norm for recovery after a break is up to 1 year. There are several reasons that make it difficult to forget past relationships.

Catastrophization

The breakup is perceived as a tragedy, obsessive thoughts do not allow you to sleep, and the feeling of pessimism and chronic mental pain does not leave you. The former lover is considered an ideal that will no longer exist in life.

Solution: imagine life without past relationships, start building an independent future.

Obsessive rumination

The thought that everything could have turned out differently if you had said a different phrase haunts you. As a result, an opinion is formed about what could have happened, and not about what actually happened. By constantly making hypothetical assumptions, you are outside the boundaries of reality and live in an imaginary situation.

Solution: stop thinking about “What would happen if I…”.

Refusal to accept that it's over

What makes it difficult to survive a breakup is the ability to let people go from your life. Melodramas show distorted relationships: lovers go through obstacles, separations and are happily reunited in the end. In real life, the hope of reconciliation does not allow creating new relationships.

Solution: cut off all contact and stop following your ex.

Advice!

Don't be afraid to see a psychologist. Specialists work online to help you work through and solve personal problems.

Keep a diary

How to survive temporary separation if you have no opportunity to contact a person dear to your heart? Keep a diary. This way of communicating with yourself will help you survive any difficult event in life. A person rarely realizes what is happening to him. And when a person begins to describe his feelings, they become understandable and logical. Therefore, do not neglect this advice.

You should keep a diary for yourself, not for someone else. Do not show the recordings you have made to anyone. The notebook must be personal. You should understand that you can write whatever comes to your mind in your diary. Sometimes it is very difficult to be honest with yourself. Don’t think that writing down what you feel on a piece of paper is easy. You will have to involuntarily concentrate your attention on individual moments of your suffering and relationship with your lover. When you get it all out of your head and onto paper, you will feel lighter inside. You will receive emotional release; you will no longer have to carry around everything that has accumulated during the period of separation.

Some may say that there is no point in writing a diary, because you can share your emotions with close friends. But remember that your words, feelings and emotions can play against you in the future. Therefore, it is better not to share too personal information with strangers. The diary will not betray you if you do not show it to anyone. When you no longer need the notebook, you can always burn it.

Can't write or are you afraid that your manuscripts will be read? What should you do in this case to survive the separation from your beloved man? You need to write down everything that worries you on a piece of paper, and then immediately burn it. You received moral satisfaction from the process, but you are unlikely to re-read your own “memoirs”.

How to get over a breakup with a guy

Often what prevents girls from getting over a breakup with a guy is the realization that he has found a replacement. Advice from a psychologist will help you cope with the situation:

• do not follow your ex on social networks, do not create a new account to track stories and photos with your new passion;
• go out for a walk with your girlfriends, visit parks, cinemas, clubs and other places where there is no time to be bored;
• change your hair color, hairstyle, go on a diet and change yourself for the better;
• do not look for the reason in yourself - people break up when they become uncomfortable together, but this does not mean that you are bad;
• put all your photos together, CDs with music, gifts in a box, hide them on the mezzanine;
• do not visit places where you can accidentally meet your ex;
• re-read the psychologist’s advice at the end of this article.

Advice!

Shopping is an excellent way to restore inner harmony. New jeans, shoes and a dress will highlight your updated look.

How to get over a breakup with a girl

It is generally accepted that it is easy for guys to get over a breakup with a girl. Comfort after a painful breakup doesn't always come quickly. Proven tips will help you overcome depression:

• get rid of memories: collect photos, gifts, remaining things in a box and throw them away;
• delete your ex on all social networks and block her, the desire to follow her has a negative impact on forgetting;
• get drunk in the company of friends and tell them about your experiences - this is called “diffusing the problem”;
• find a new hobby or throw yourself into work so that you don’t have time for sad thoughts;
• Join the gym, it’s good for your figure and releasing negative emotions.

Be sure to read the psychologist’s advice at the end of the article to develop tactics for getting rid of past relationships.

Advice for girls and guys!

7 popular books on how to get over a breakup:

• Natalie Babbitt "The Eternal Fat"
• Jamie Ford "Hotel at the Crossroads of Joy and Bitterness"
• Emily Giffin "Loving the One Next to You"
• Jane Austen "Persuasion"
• David Levitan "A Lover's Dictionary"
• Cheryl Strayed "Small Little Things"
• Laura Esquivel "Chocolate with boiling water"

Grieve if you want, just not for too long

The emotional pain of a broken relationship can be as intense as the death of a loved one. The longer you were together, the more painful it will be for you. Therefore, sometimes it’s worth letting yourself grieve for two weeks—crying, looking at one point, and even taking a vacation. After a breakup, you can allow yourself to be emotionally unrestrained.

A mandatory condition: limit the time of your “mourning”. No more than two weeks. It is not for nothing that in different cultures the time of mourning for the deceased always lasts a certain period. If you do not limit the time frame, there is a danger of losing some of your friends. As they say, suffering loves society, but society does not love suffering. After two weeks of mourning, simply return to normal life - as if nothing happened. This “as if” will help you recover from your loss faster.

A psychologist's view: what is an open gestalt

From a psychological point of view, a painful state of mind after a breakup is an open gestalt. Events and relationships from the past constantly arise in thoughts, do not allow you to concentrate on the present, cause a feeling of discomfort and, in especially severe cases, develop into neurosis.

Resentments are mentally tied to the former partner. On a subconscious level, a person wants to take revenge or achieve satisfaction. There are several ways to close a gestalt.

Revenge

The feeling of revenge pushes the desire to return the former partner and leave him. The psychological clamp is removed, the gestalt is closed.

Proof

The abandoned partner decides to change himself for the better. Guys go to the gym, girls go on a diet. Having changed himself externally, he arranges a meeting with his ex so that he can see the changes. The goal is achieved, the gestalt closes.

Comparison

After a breakup, you work on yourself. A person moves towards his goals, achieves a high social status, increases his value in the eyes of others and finds a new partner of his level. Comparing him with his ex or ex, he understands the difference and closes the gestalt.

Logical path

Requires enormous willpower and self-improvement. It is necessary to realize your complexes, mistakes and do a complete reassessment of values. After accepting responsibility for the past, do what you love, which will make it easier to survive betrayal and separation, and close the gestalt.

Forgiveness

The most difficult strategy for the power of internal work on yourself. It is necessary to fully accept your ex-partner and yourself as you are, with all the shortcomings. Gestalt closes after all grievances are closed.

Leaving into the sunset

To be realized, you must have significance for your ex-partner. You need to part ways without a scandal, wishing them luck. Do not monitor on social networks, do not look for meetings and do not call. Gap for 1.5-2 years, after which you arrange a meeting, say hello and show with all your appearance that you are not suffering. The gestalt will be closed if you really work on yourself and accept the situation.

Psychologist Tatyana Gribanova offers a strategy for closing gestalts, aimed at freeing oneself from anchors and hooks - psychological ties to the past:

• staging;
• ending with fantasy;
• liberation through story;
• acceptance and resignation to the situation.

The essence of the strategy is to act out dialogue scenes in which the ex-partner asks for forgiveness and accepts the apology. This helps to free yourself from psychological anchors and express your thoughts and feelings.

It is necessary to repeat the story according to the script 5-6 times; over time, the events will be perceived as a boring series.

What not to do after a bad breakup

Psychologists have compiled a number of actions that should never be done after a painful breakup. These include the following:

• You should not expose your negative emotions to the public. To talk it out and get support, you can bring your problem to a loved one who will listen and support you in such a difficult time. This will have a positive effect on your condition and will make it easier to cope with the breakup. If you dedicate everyone to your mental torment, this will only aggravate the problem.
• You cannot humiliate yourself in front of your ex-partner and try to revive his feelings if the relationship has long been cleared up. This will only worsen the condition of the abandoned person, because he will again be rejected, which will negatively affect his already low self-esteem.
• You can't use other people to numb your own pain. New relationships should begin only when the past is abandoned. Only then will new love help you completely forget the painful breakup.
• You should not try to seek solace in alcohol, drugs or psychotropic substances. These methods will never help numb the pain. They will only add feelings of guilt and further reduce self-esteem. In addition, these bad habits will cause irreparable harm not only to the psyche, but also to health.

When thinking about how to forget a loved one, it is worth remembering that you need to rely solely on your own strength. Only independent clear awareness of what happened will help you confidently move towards a happy future.

Psychologist's advice

Advice from psychologists will help you survive a separation from your loved one after betrayal. Restoring mental balance requires working on yourself.

Give yourself time to grieve

The first time after a breakup, you need to give free rein to your emotions. For the pain to subside, it must be accepted and felt. Lock yourself at home for a few days, cry, order your favorite dish, listen to sad music and release all your emotions as much as possible.

Burn all your bridges

Get rid of everything associated with your loved one. Collect all the gifts, photographs of you together, and things that remind you of the past in a box. Valuable gifts can be returned or sold. Do not go to extremes - exchange jewelry made of precious metals in a jewelry store for a new product, paying an insignificant difference.

Delete correspondence and SMS, reduce communication with mutual friends. Clear the list of “your” music that reminds you of your loved one. Ask your friends and family not to mention him in your presence.

Important!

Block your ex on all social networks, delete your phone number or send it to block. The habit of monitoring pages on social networks interferes with recovery after a breakup.

Find the Source of Joy

Psychologists advise finding a way to obtain the joy hormone endorphin, which restores the nervous system. Buy a trip to the sea, start home renovations, or sign up for courses to learn a foreign language. Do something that you have been planning for a long time - it will distract you and give you strength.

Create a new look

A visit to a stylist will help dull the pain after breaking up with a man and get through the first difficult period. Change your look - hairstyle, hair color, buy new stylish things. Become a different person, literally. This point helps to get rid of old memories; a new image is life from scratch.

Don't fill the void with new relationships

Replacing an old love with a new one is the worst way to quickly get over a breakup. A series of new partners will aggravate the feeling of loneliness. Stay single until the moment when you stop seeing old love in people of the opposite sex.

Don't drown out the pain with alcohol

Alcohol is a simple and affordable way to relieve mental pain, but don’t get carried away with it. Arrange a meeting with a friend or friend, talk over a glass of wine or a glass of cognac, but do not drink alone. A constant state of intoxication releases stress hormones and disrupts awareness of the situation.

Advice!

Don't call or text your ex while under the influence of alcohol. In the morning you will be ashamed of this action.

Don't try to stay on friendly terms

Many people think that by remaining friends with their ex-partner, they can eventually improve their relationship and become a couple again. All attempts to return old feelings will result in new stress. Watching your loved one build a new relationship is a serious blow to your mental state.

Analyze the quality of the relationship

Calmly and judiciously sort out the reasons for the breakup. Analyze your partner’s behavior and your own, realize possible mistakes. This will help prevent them from happening again in the future.

Make a list of your own achievements

Breaking up lowers self-esteem; to raise it, understand yourself and your own life, environment and write a list of your achievements. Masterly mastery of a musical instrument, reliable friends, a collected collection of rare stamps - make a list of what you can be proud of.

Don't try to return

The feeling that everything can be returned after a conversation is fear of the future. Psychologically, you are in an old relationship and do not understand how to live without a partner. Try to wait out the desire to return and do not try to look for meetings. This will humiliate you and hurt your self-esteem.

Set goals and realize them

What can a lady do if her significant other is on a business trip? How to survive separation from your loved one? In this case, there is another practical piece of advice: write a list of your goals and an action plan for the near future. Every person has dreams that he would like to fulfill. But it often happens that the other half does not approve of the hobby of his passion. Therefore, in the absence of her boyfriend, a girl can realize what she has long dreamed of. For example, go to a photo shoot or take a floristry course.

Don't be afraid to spend money on yourself and your dreams. If you have long wanted to learn how to ride a horse, but the guy said that it was a stupid activity, then it’s time to start thinking with your own head. Do you want to learn how to saddle a horse, master the gallop and trot? Nobody can stop you. Act while you can. Now no one is dissuading you from fulfilling your desire.

In the absence of a young man, you can start decorating your home. No one will grumble that you are wasting your time on stupid things. If you want to make a canopy over your bed, do it. Beautiful things that surround a person lift his spirits. Any modernization in the apartment that you can do with your own hands will subsequently be appreciated by your significant other and friends.