What to do if your husband cheats and lies, but doesn’t want to leave, says he loves you.

How to move on after your husband's betrayal

You suspected betrayal and tried in every way to find out the truth. Your suspicions have been confirmed. What to do? What to do after your husband cheats:

1. First, don't rush into making rash decisions. You need to weigh everything carefully and let yourself cool down. All actions must be done with a cool head.
2. Secondly, admit that nothing terrible happened, everyone is alive and well. Learn to take the hit, throw out the unnecessary from your life.
3. Thirdly, clearly define for yourself what you need . If you want to return to your previous relationship, this is quite possible. If you decide to get a divorce, remember that after the divorce it will not become easier. The pain will go away, of course, but it will take time.
4. You have the right to demand that your spouse completely stop any contact with the homewrecker . If he agrees to this ultimatum, it means he wants to improve relations, there is no need to spoil them with scandals and reproaches.
5. Look at your intimate life with different eyes. Try to diversify your sexual intimacy.
6. Distribute household responsibilities, let your spouse finally begin to take part in household affairs.
7. Discuss the financial issue clearly.
8. If your spouse refuses to break off relations with your new passion and continues to date her, threaten divorce . Only in all seriousness. If the spouse still values ​​his family, he will refuse his mistress.

In this situation, a lot depends on the woman. The main thing is not to make decisions in a hurry. Don't let your emotions push you into reckless actions.

Stages of psychological trauma

When your husband cheats, this is a strong blow to the girl’s psyche. It doesn’t matter how the news came to the house: friends told him, the husband himself admitted everything, or his wife personally caught him in the arms of his mistress. In any case, the soul will begin to tear into pieces, and further life with the traitor will be in question.

Psychologists divide living and understanding betrayal into several stages. But each case is individual and depends on the character and temperament of the person. Some people suffer from psychological trauma for several years, while others pretend after a week that everything is fine.

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Shock

This stage is inevitable in the first hours. It is difficult to believe what happened; the fact of treason is denied even with clear evidence. The brain tries to justify the partner. This is a kind of defensive reaction of the psyche. The woman will feel that all this is not true, a dream, a hoax, a stupid joke.

Negation

After the initial shock wears off, the “This is not happening to me!” period begins. A person refuses to believe his own ears or eyes, because he understands that this is how his hidden fears regarding loneliness and the loss of a loved one are realized.

Aggression

When the denial trick no longer works, the brain tries to find an explanation for what is happening in order to build a logical chain. Often the search for its links turns into a search for the culprit. At first, a woman tries to find the reasons for her husband’s betrayal in herself: appearance, behavior, life position, sexual problems. Self-flagellation begins. At the same time, an erroneous model appears in my head: “If I find the reason in myself, then I am also responsible for what happened. And if I’m responsible, it means I can change something.” When soul-searching does not bring consolation, internal aggression breaks out and attacks the cheater.

This is a natural result of suppressed experiences. It protects the psyche from overload. But here too we must not lose control. The husband's screams, hysterics and accusations can give the mistress an advantageous advantage, and she will set her husband up for a final break. If the goal is to save the marriage, then you need to let off steam carefully in order to save face and not look like a hysteric.

Often the stage of aggression towards the husband and mistress can last for years. If the relationship has been preserved, then it contains humiliating and painful jokes, scandals, and irony. If there are children, a woman forms a negative image of the father in their minds

Depression

This is a natural result of the experiences we have passed through. A woman is faced with the unknown when all her plans go to pieces. When trust is lost, the next step is separation.

The understanding comes that it will never be the same as it was before. Life is clearly divided into “before” and “after”. This turn of events, combined with self-flagellation and low self-esteem, drives the lady into depression. She feels sadness, loss, world-weariness, apathy towards everything that is happening. At the physical level, depression manifests itself in lack of appetite, tears, and insomnia.

This stage is inevitable during the period of experiencing betrayal. In case of prolonged depression, the help of a psychologist and drug therapy will be necessary.

Disappointment

At this stage of experience, the emotional bottom comes. The woman is already indifferent to the fact of betrayal, she is aware of it and understands what pain she has experienced. But it seems to her that everything is not so scary, so she can continue to live as before. The brain tries to spin events according to the usual pattern and calm itself down on its own. The state of uncertainty has not gone away, but the subconscious wants to build an illusion for reassurance under the auspices of “Everything is fine!”

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Humility

The final stage, which comes a few months after the incident, is humility. The woman accepts, understands and realizes the fact of betrayal. She comes to terms with him and tries to move on with her life. By this time, the man either left for a new partner, or repented and stayed with his wife, and she clearly realized how important it was for her to maintain the relationship.

You can freeze at any stage, so it is impossible to predict how long each of them will last.

To forgive or not to forgive

It is very difficult to forgive the betrayal of your significant other. Accepting the situation and understanding the reason for the action will help you understand yourself and raise your fallen self-esteem. It is very important not to confuse forgiveness with the fear of being alone.

The best option in this case would be separation, but without negative emotions and hatred towards your ex-husband. These feelings ruin your life, prevent you from starting a new relationship, and constantly remind you of betrayal.

How to live after betrayal: advice from a psychologist + video

1. Accept betrayal as a fait accompli. To sincerely forgive a cheater, you need to stop looking for excuses and hope that the relationship will return to its previous course on its own. Instead, the deceived wife is advised to come to terms with what happened and understand whether she is ready to forgive.
2. Don't hide your emotions. A sincere conversation with a cheater will help reduce pain and get emotional release. After listening to the betrayed husband, you can understand why he did this.
3. Stop feeling like a victim. Adultery is a serious offense without justification. But both partners are responsible for the relationship. To forgive, a woman needs to analyze her own actions and realize that this is partly her fault.
4. Step back. Keep your distance, stop thinking about the traitor. Then the pain caused by your husband’s betrayal will subside, and it will be easier to forgive him. If you can't accept infidelity and forgive, you need to come to terms with that as well.
5. Maintain your dignity. Having learned that your spouse has a new relationship on the side, you do not need to make attempts to meet with your mistress or slander her. This is necessary in order not to lose self-respect.
6. Show nobility. This is quite a feat. But if you have made a conscious decision to maintain your relationship with your spouse, work to restore it.
7. Don't try to respond to betrayal with betrayal. Each woman, if necessary, can find a sexual partner for one time. However, such a connection will not bring comfort.
8. Focus on your own health. Often, representatives of the fair half of humanity, who have experienced the betrayal of their other half, begin to suffer from female diseases. A woman needs to maintain her attractiveness and health at all costs.

If you consider it possible for yourself to save your family with an unfaithful spouse, forgive him completely. There is no need to constantly remind him of his misconduct. Otherwise, your lover will greatly regret his decision to stay with you.

What to do if physical betrayal does occur?

Physical betrayal often becomes a big blow for an unfaithful wife. She realizes that she has committed a vile act that she cannot forget or correct. On the one hand, her fantasies associated with her lover are destroyed. On the other hand, the family is collapsing. She finally realized how sorry she was for losing what had been so hard to build all these years. Often, moral suffering also turns into physical suffering, when a woman begins to constantly get sick, lose weight or, conversely, gain it, smoke a lot and drink large amounts of alcohol.

When the feeling of guilt before their husband reaches its peak, many cheaters seriously begin to think about whether to confess everything to him. This desire is not dictated by any concern that the poor fellow does not live in a lie. A woman just wants to share her moral burden with someone else and, perhaps, blame him for everything and at least partially alleviate her torment.

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Of course, you need to share this burden, but not with your husband at all, but with a close friend or mother, but let the husband remain blissfully unaware. You only need to confess to him if you intend to divorce and live with your lover, but this happens quite rarely. No matter how blasphemous it may sound, try to justify your action and learn some lesson from it. For example, such that problems in relationships cannot be solved externally.

How to help yourself after your husband cheats

Betrayal is a heavy blow for the deceived spouse. The loss of a sense of stability associated with the presence of a strong male shoulder nearby, a drop in self-esteem - all this has a negative impact on the psychological state and quality of life. To cope with the situation, follow these tips:

• stop comparing yourself to a homewrecker. And although there is an opinion that men cheat only with young and beautiful people, a simple little woman can become a rival;
• work on yourself. Take care of your appearance: change your hairstyle, join a fitness club, change your clothing style. This will help distract you from bad thoughts, and the new image will attract the views of the opposite sex;
• reconsider the value of having a man nearby. Despite the union sealed in the registry office, the spouse remains a free person with the right to stay or leave. If he went “left” and did not end the relationship honestly, then he was not an honest partner from the very beginning;
• find support. Talk to your girlfriends or loved ones, find a forum on the Internet for survivors of betrayal, and seek help from a psychologist. Talking to someone who understands can ease your emotional state.

What not to do

If your loved one has cheated on you, you need to act wisely, maintaining dignity and logical actions. By avoiding typical female mistakes, you can survive the infidelity of your significant other without unnecessary stress.

1. Martyrdom. Sometimes women take on the role of martyr. That is, she knows about the fact of betrayal, with whom exactly it happened, but at the same time remains silent. By not saying anything to her chosen one, she humiliates herself not only in her own eyes, but also in the eyes of her partner.
2. "Well-wishers." Often, women learn that their beloved is having an affair from strangers. To understand what to do next, you need to go over the situation in your head if this turns out to be true. Are you ready to forgive a cheater? If you are ready, then you don’t need to pay attention to the gossip of “good people.” If you are not ready to forgive such an act, then before lashing out with accusations, clarify some points that can confirm the veracity of the denunciation. If someone mistook their spouse’s colleague for their mistress, this does not mean at all that this is really the case.
3. Forgiveness must be earned. If you immediately forgive your husband for his affair, then he understands that he is very significant to you, which means he can do anything, and you will still forgive him. Therefore, it is necessary to behave in such a way that the man fully feels his guilt. But this must be done quietly, without hysterics.
4. Panic. Often the first reaction to news of betrayal is panic. The awareness that things will no longer be the same prevents you from thinking soberly and making rational decisions. Trying to cope with the situation and solve all the related problems at the same time leads to stress. Therefore, it is necessary by an effort of will to drive away gloomy thoughts and talk with your life partner in a calm environment.
5. Search for the reason. Many factors lead to a “leftist”, which a woman cannot influence in any way. The stereotypical opinion that the husband was looking for adventure on the side because he lacks sex, care, and love at home may not be the reason for betrayal. Sometimes they do this because they want something “spicy.” There is no need to torture yourself by searching for reasons.
6. Scandals. If your spouse returns home after a stormy night with a new passion, there is no need to throw tantrums and break dishes. A woman who has just found out about cheating is very vulnerable and incapable of taking adequate action. Most likely, the husband has already thought out a line of behavior and will turn everything in his favor, making his wife guilty.

Betrayal is a strong shock for any person. It is very difficult to forgive and get over her. Analysis of the situation, support from loved ones, switching attention to hobbies, work and communication with people around you will help you cope with the shock.

Is platonic love cheating?

The brains of some men are so interesting that they do not feel remorse after having sex with a stranger once and do not even consider purely physical betrayal to be treason. A small percentage of women feel the same way about outside sex, but for the vast majority of the fairer sex, it is true that thoughts about cheating with a specific person are already cheating.

There are signs that can help you determine that you have already crossed the line of friendship with your handsome colleague and are on a slippery slope:

• You hide meetings with your dear friend from your husband and friends, although nothing reprehensible happens during them.

• You feel that you have much more in common with this person than with your husband, although this impression is usually wrong.

• It seems to you that your friend is better than your husband, if not in everything, then in very many ways.

• You constantly strive for tactile contact with this person, even if you are not yet thinking about sex with him, you often take his arm or “friendly” pat him on the shoulder.

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• You fantasize a lot about the subject of your crush. In this matter there is not much difference between sexual fantasies or imaginary conversations about everything in the world.

• You notice that you have lost interest in your spouse, especially in bed; he irritates you more and more often.

• You try to share your experiences and joys with a friend, although you previously preferred your husband.

• You allow yourself far from innocent flirting, and the interlocutor reciprocates your feelings.

• You are ready to sacrifice a lot for the sake of communicating with a friend, first of all this concerns the time that you could spend on your husband and children.