The man left. One day, far from perfect, he simply collected his things, slammed the door and disappeared in an unknown direction. Or in the famous one - he took a taxi and moved in with his mistress. It doesn't matter. He's just not with you now. "What to do? What should I do? How am I with my child?” - these questions spin in the head of an abandoned woman every day, like a broken record.
At first she is very scared. She learns to rely only on herself and take full responsibility for the child. He gets him into kindergarten, feeds him, clothes him, pays for the judo club, but the thought still sits inside him: “He’s a father! The child must communicate with his father!” But the ex-husband is in no hurry to get in touch.
What to do in such a situation? How to solve this difficult life problem? Today I will try to help you. Ready to find a solution to the difficult equation: “family – dad = ?”
Couldn't it be any other way or just an asshole?
Let's be clear in advance: I believe that a man who avoids communicating with a child is not responsible for children is not normal. Even if he has another family and everything is wonderful there, this is not normal behavior for a worthy man.
Of course, just because I think so, nothing will change. I cannot come into your relationship and give everyone a central control: so, you communicate with your son, pay alimony, etc.
In this article I want to tell you what you can transform in yourself so that a man himself wants to communicate with his child.
You may be interested in: The 50/50 principle in relationships. Why do feminists make life difficult for themselves?
Requests for help Write your story
Hello. I am writing because I no longer have the strength to cope with the pain in my soul alone. Two months ago, my husband left, leaving him with a child (9 years old). We lived for 11 years and went through a lot. Yes, there were quarrels, we broke up for a week at most, then we made up again, but there were more good moments. He wanted freedom, not to raise a child, to live his own life. We did everything together, and then he left, I’m like in hell, I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I just cry. Nothing helps, neither pills, nor work, I have lost a lot of weight, every day I think that he is with someone else. My mind understands that I need to let go, but my heart resists. I’m holding on for the sake of the child, so that he doesn’t remain an orphan. I called my husband, wrote, but he doesn’t hear me, he blocked the calls, but he’s not filing for divorce. The last time we talked, I asked if he loved me. He said “Yes,” and he couldn’t even take off the ring. I can’t understand his thoughts, he seems to have left, he told me “find someone else,” but he says that he loves him, does not take off the ring and does not file for divorce. He said that he would submit documents to the court himself, but this has not happened yet. For me, if we live together, then live, I will not forgive betrayal. I don’t know what he’s doing now; whether he found someone else or not. One man cannot live alone for a long time either, so the likelihood that he is in a new relationship is high. How can I raise my son alone, since my mother cannot replace my father?! It’s very difficult for me, I try not to cry in front of the child, I leave so that he won’t see. I didn’t write to my husband for two weeks, but yesterday I broke down, but he didn’t answer anything. I already wanted a phone number. change, but I didn’t dare, suddenly, I think, he’ll write and say “SORRY, I can’t live without you,” but he’s silent. I stopped believing in God; He couldn’t give me such trials as I am suffering now. Day after day passes, but there is no more strength. They say time heals, but if only I could live to see that time...
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Svetlana, age: 32 / 10/12/2019
Responses:
Sveta, he wants you to take responsibility for his care when you find someone for yourself. He doesn’t even have anything to reproach you for. He wants to pass you from hand to hand, this is such “care”. You are now in an acute period of experiencing separation, and he still doesn’t say anything. It looks like there is a woman. Quickly now run to a lawyer and find out the issue with your acquired property. And file for alimony, this is sobering for everyone involved. If you have a business, especially run to a lawyer. Such tricks are made with the transfer of assets!
Pella, age: 58 / 10/13/2019
This is what I “like” in men - “He wanted freedom, not to raise a child, to live his own life.” He's not a little boy - he got tired of the toy car and threw it away. Here people’s lives already depend on him, the responsibility needs to be on him, he needs to think with his head, and not somewhere else and run around women. Why create a family if you are not ready to raise it? It happens that the child’s mother may not be there for various reasons - she became very ill, was bedridden, or died. And the husband needs to raise the child. But you can’t rely on yours. And they are like children, not healthy guys, they are ready for sex and to go out, but they are not ready to raise a child. But they are no longer children, they are playing too much. We played family and that’s it, I don’t want to anymore. Children and wives, this is not a toy. Do you know why else this happens? Because wives take on all the housework and raising the child. And then the man does not have the instinct of a father, from a lot of free time, from idleness, just don’t talk about work - wives also go to work. And they begin to walk and drink. When fathers are single, they are busy with children, and they have no time for mistresses or drunkenness. Okay, now it’s not about him, about your husband. It can no longer be changed. Svetik, you need to change your inner state. I understand that you are in pain and bad, that’s all understandable. But there is one small “but”. In this life, everything will change for the better only when you are not in suffering. And there is harmony in your soul, good in your soul. There is no pain and no suffering. You know, I have read more than once when single women with children wrote “only I understood happiness in my children, and in me, and not in a man” and became happy. In their case, God immediately gave them a new couple, a new husband. In your case, only you will see happiness in your child, and not suffering for your husband. Then you will be given either a new husband or your ex will return. Come to life in your soul, there must be harmony there. Only then will your life get better. While you are suffering over your ex, neither your ex will return, nor will God give you new love. God gives us everything only for our inner state of happiness. Nothing is given to us for mental pain and suffering. Or rather it is given - even more suffering. Do you need it in your life for some other problem, illness or something else? Svetlana, you have a precious treasure, this is your child. Many do not have children and never will. And instead of enjoying the child, you are not alone, receiving happiness with him and giving love to each other. You dry up mentally after a man. Can not be so. God punishes then, he takes your man, i.e. he leaves you. After all, you know, “do not make yourself an idol.” Why is a man more important to you than your child and you?
Laura, age: 30 / 10/13/2019
Svetlana, I have been in your shoes and, unfortunately, more than once. Only with an infant or pregnant woman. From experience I can say that if your beloved husband returns, he will use this precedent to further wring out of you complete indulgence of his whims. He will leave and come back again, because he was forgiven for this manipulation once. Or as a way to relax on the side. My husband left me 5 times. Four times I cried, didn’t eat, and begged to come back. Once, a pregnant woman at 32 weeks lost 3 kg in 4 days (this is scary for the 3rd trimester with a weight of 55 kg). He returned, and each time he had new demands in the direction of the alpha male. But the fifth time I said: “Okay, go away and don’t come back.” She seriously discussed alimony and collected his things herself. And suddenly the former determination was gone! He stayed, and doesn’t talk about divorces/departures anymore. The old manipulation no longer works. Don't let yourself be treated like this! No need to hope and cry! Besides, your son is watching! If they are not afraid to lose you, let them lose you! Please love and take care of yourself. A truly family and loving person would never do this to his wife or spouse. And it doesn’t matter whether there was betrayal or not! Making you suffer like that is bestiality! Hugging you.
Valentina, age: 29 / 10/13/2019
Svetochka, hold on as best you can! For the sake of the child, for the sake of your health, in the end. Think about the fact that you are not the first and not the last in this grief, I myself was in your place, I thought that the light had gone out, and now I am happy with the best and most sensitive man, which I could not even dream of. Everything passes, and this pain will pass, give yourself time to worry, and then tell yourself “Stop” and keep your nose to the wind. We are the same age, your whole life is ahead of you, everything will definitely be fine for you. Just allow yourself this. And don’t forget about your little son, together you are strong, but it’s also hard for him alone to cope with his father’s departure. Support each other! Hugging you!
Elena, age: 32 / 10/13/2019
Svetlana, you write very terrible things about lack of faith in God. It's scary to read you. Make you wise, Lord. The traitor has left you, and you are grumbling against God. How many people are suffering, some have serious illnesses, some have sick children, but a lascivious little man just left you, and you are killing yourself. You are healthy, your child is healthy - this is such happiness. Pull yourself together and show your son an example - a happy, unbroken mother. And in order not to cry in another room, it is better to go somewhere with your child to have fun. Both he and you need positive emotions.
Marina 1509, age: 32 / 10/13/2019
Excuse me, Svetlana, but did you believe in God? If they believed, they would not have written such words; God had nothing to do with it. And time really does heal. Stay away from your husband, study the site’s materials, read Luciano’s topic https://www.nelubit.ru/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=20678, and look for peace in your soul. Live with God! Prot. Andrey Tkachev will help you, listen to his sermons, conversations, read books. Live now for the sake of your child, grow spiritually, and everything will work out for you.
Mila-K 77, age: 42 / 10/13/2019
Svetlana, you are tormented not because of trials sent by God, but because you do not want to see and accept the obvious. Loves? Are you seriously? Does what you described sound like love in any way? Don’t know how a son can grow up without a father? Well, much the same as with a father who does not want to raise his son. And it can be better, since so much time is not spent on “doing everything together.” After all, you can also do a lot of things together with a 9-year-old child. You were not punished, you were given the opportunity to become a full-fledged, and not a dependent person. So that you never again say that you were abandoned with your child, but believe that he lost you. Don’t wait for someone to show up and “realize”, you’ll just waste time while they use you as a backup option in search of a more convenient moment.
Olga, age: 47 / 10/13/2019
In general, a man can be alone for a long time, the men themselves confirm this, but women believe in fairy tales, they say, I can’t... In any case, there are very few men who died due to intimate loneliness. This is the first one. And secondly, let me ask you what place God had in your family, if now you have even stopped believing in Him? Did you live a church life, and your family was like a second church, you and your spouse prayed together every day for your family? Well, that is. followed all the rules and ended up failing? It’s hard to believe, forgive me if I’m wrong... More often, on the contrary, if a person stops believing, it means he didn’t have this faith before. And the fact that the spouse does not want to take care of the child says a lot about him as a person. Who caused you pain, God or your husband?
Elena, age: 37 / 10/13/2019
Svetlana, healing. It will hurt for a long time. Even after 4 years, it still hurts. But it's no longer like that. All people are different. But don’t wait for it, that’s all, even if it comes, it will be so. Just get over it. And not getting a divorce is so that suddenly it doesn’t work out... And here you are. It's convenient. Sorry. that I don’t give you hope, I wish I was wrong. But life shows other outcomes.
Stasya, age: 36 / 10/13/2019
Well, just like mine - 13 years of marriage, only for a few more months he whined about how he wants to live separately, how he doesn’t love me, how he, poor fellow, is tired of his family. I only have 2 children and a sick bedridden father. I couldn’t stand it, I packed my bag and sent it off to a free life. But I suffered a lot while he lived nearby and all this I listened to his whining about his dislike for me, washing him, feeding him. I got out of this with a psychologist, prayed, my friends listened, but I also lost 8 kg, started smoking, had panic attacks, roared everywhere and this feeling of hope that the corpse would resurrect, dressed up, humiliated myself, bought underwear, ingratiated myself, and then realized that I can’t do this, I love myself more. We have also been separated for 2 months, but he communicates with the children, although before he didn’t care about them, now at least he paid attention to them. I hope the fuse won't last for a couple of months. Everything that is written above is all true, you need to love yourself, I also dissolved in my husband and now I am reaping the benefits. The feeling that in a dark room I was groping my way to myself, and now after many months of hell from the removal of my brains and soul, about how they stopped loving me and no longer wanted me to leave, having experienced this acute state, I have feelings of extreme sadness to “a I feel good, I feel calm.” And even thoughts in my head, “what if he comes back,” but I don’t need it, I feel good already, I’m on my own and I feel moments of happiness, that I’m my own mistress. So you will endure it, the pain, however, subsides over time, you need to make a choice in favor of yourself and your son. The man left, and we don’t know how life would have turned out if he had been around, we don’t know. Give the silver so that God will give you gold! Everything will be fine and even better than it was, look, you just need time and patience, and even more humility.
Rina, age: 34 / 10/14/2019
Svetlana, I will support you! Love is not torment and betrayal. This time. He doesn't respect or value you. These two are not involved with the child. These are three: If you have a family and obligations, he lives as he wants. This Four Manipulates You. You wait there, but if something doesn’t work out for me here. That’s five for divorce, if I file something myself, but wait, if I come back, it won’t work out. This six ring wears. Are you seriously? My boyfriend was married to me for 15 years, and also wore a ring, as it turned out, he took it off and then put it on. This is seven Instead of a real conversation, your bm prefers lies, because he is a weakling and suffers from this. That's eight. Look for someone else, but I love you. This is cruelty on his part. Bravo!!!! It's nine. Like a child without a father. — Sometimes a child feels unwanted with his father. That's ten. Mine was also tossing around, like freedom. And in the end, he and his colleague went behind my back for 2 years and left when I accidentally found out, got married, and already have a child. And I, with a child and 15 years of marriage, stuck it somewhere further. And it would be better if he confessed earlier than tearing his heart out piece by piece. So you'll have to get your act together. It’s hard not to write, get over yourself. I went through this too. But after 2 years of divorce I realized that this was such disrespect and rudeness. The truth is better, believe me. And don't allow yourself to be manipulated. What does it mean when I file for divorce? I also thought it would be a sin not to be the first to file a divorce, etc., etc. And in the end, then separately for alimony, I didn’t keep everything I promised, I was left with zero. Since you hope that he will fornicate and return, then decide for yourself: Can you live with him? As a result, you will jump in front of him, 33 dishes in bed, and he will act as if nothing happened. So give him an ultimatum. Otherwise you can wait like this for the rest of your life. But we have one life. Health is the main thing. It’s easier for me to write now after two years after the divorce. I went through all the hell of suffering. And I can say that I am for honesty. And I won’t allow anyone to humiliate me anymore. If you don't like it, goodbye. If you’re not satisfied, make a claim right away, and don’t lie. My son is used to it, and we live in different cities. I left just to see each other less. But I consider myself a strong and worthy person before my child, that I did not break down, did not allow myself to be humiliated and manipulated anymore. She regretted that she didn’t file for divorce herself, that he immediately tried to reduce alimony due to the birth of another, etc. I wish you peace of mind and do not be left alone with your thoughts. It's good that you wrote here. Because the women here are so strong that you are amazed. Read, dear, and believe: happiness is within us, but not in the person who simply devalued you.
Tata, age: 36 / 10/14/2019
Sveta, even if he comes back, he will be a person spoiled by fornication, selfish and “dirty”. Dirty in both soul and body. Do not accept such a specimen into your family. Betrayal will be the norm for him. Get over it and that’s it. They write to you correctly, apply for alimony, divorce, division. He doesn’t have an ounce of conscience or love for you and your son, otherwise he wouldn’t have done this for anything. He was tired of his family and wanted to go for a walk. Let it roll away. Irresponsible traitor. You can manage without it. Everything will be fine, everything will be better for you!
Natil, age: 62 / 10/14/2019
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Three, two, one... Lethal fire!
When a man and a woman are in a quarrel, they are on opposite sides of the barricades. There is some conflict or even full-scale hostilities between them. They can be open, when a man and a woman “load” each other with claims, grievances, and create scandals, or closed, when the partners do not communicate, remain silent and pretend that the ex is an empty place.
A child in such a context cannot be equally on the side of mom and dad. No matter how much he himself wanted it. He will still have to choose his “team” to play for.
It often happens that after the parents separate, the child spends most of his time with his mother. Often it is the mother who turns the baby against the father:
- He tells him: “Dad is bad,” “Dad forgot us,” “Don’t listen to Dad,” “Don’t tell Dad...”
- Allows communication, but inside himself still carries grievances and complaints. The child “reads” them at the level of feelings. Of course, he cannot understand all the intricacies of relationships between adults, but this emotional background is conveyed to him.
As a result, the child has no choice, he is forced to decide: whose side to take? Who is right?
Mom “protects” the child from a bad dad
In a “man-woman-child” situation, the partner finds himself in the line of fire. The baby seems to be standing behind the mother, and the man is looking at the child through the mother. If a woman is at war with her father, he needs to overcome resistance and guilt in order to “get” to his son or daughter.
You can say: “Yaroslav, I understand: he hates me. But what about the child? Please understand that your man looks at your children through you. Through the prism of your image, thinking, emotions.
You may think: “Why should I get rid of grudges towards my ex? Ex and ex, should I love him now?” At a minimum, to break down the wall in family relationships. I believe that you need to work through your feelings, grievances and complaints in order to:
- Try to establish relationships with father and child.
- Get rid of the burden that, like a bag of “gifts” from an evil Santa, wanders from one relationship to another.
Often a girl with a child cannot build a new relationship because she mentally sits in the swamp of her past marriage.
It seems to her that all her failures are because of men: they are not ready to bear responsibility, they do not want to drag a woman “with a trailer.” I do not exclude such options, but to be honest, 90% of the role here is played by the woman’s emotional background, which scares away potential partners - pity, guilt, resentment.
You might be interested in: How to make a man fall in love with you? Popular female mistakes
Why fathers don't communicate with children after divorce
Why does it happen that fathers no longer need children raised by mothers without their participation? Why do fathers stop communicating with their children after a family breakdown?
Psychologists believe that the reasons for this attitude of men may lie in the character of a person, in his value orientation, as well as in the culture to which he belongs. Let's look at the main reasons
.
Many modern men do not believe in the future and refuse to appreciate the past. The instability of modern life means that men no longer feel like the main link in the family chain, the successors of the family. They live one day at a time and do not think about the future or about other people, including children. All care for children (even in two-parent families) is completely transferred to the shoulders of women. Modern men's priorities and social guidelines have completely changed. Their social ranking is no longer determined by the number of heirs or the power of the family clan. Material well-being is much more important now. For this reason, children have ceased to be important to the stronger sex, because they do not see the point in “stressing” over something that will not bring them success. Currently, many men have lost their moral guidelines, believing that everyone should be for themselves, that you can’t rely on anyone in life
It is quite natural that with such an attitude, children, as long-term projects requiring reliable partners, are not considered by men as something worth paying attention to.
Many men began to ignore their obligations to society and stopped feeling that they had an obligation to raise their offspring. This opinion is based on the belief that the modern state does not value its citizens.
Thus, there are strong social and cultural reasons
, which are not so easy to eliminate. However, if you don’t look deep into the problem, the answer to the question of why dads don’t communicate with their children after a divorce can be found on the surface.
Firstly, this may indicate a man’s reluctance to see his ex-wife (which is inevitable), who, quite possibly, already has a new husband. There are many feelings mixed here: resentment, wounded male pride, and anger. Secondly, the father can transfer his hatred of his ex-wife to the child. This reason is especially obvious in a situation where the son or daughter is very similar to the mother or relatives on the mother’s side. Thirdly, a man may have a new family that requires all his attention, and there is simply no time, energy, or finances left for the children from his previous marriage. In addition, the new wife may resist communication between the father and the child from his ex-wife. Fourth, men, in general, treat children differently than women. Somewhere very deep in them there may be fear or suspicion that the child was not conceived from him (after all, only the mother can be 100% sure that the child was born from her). Fifthly, as you know, dad’s love and mom’s love are two completely different substances. A mother loves her child simply for who he is, no matter what his appearance, character, performance at school, etc.
At the same time, it is important for the father that the offspring be the way the father wants him to be, so that the child meets his expectations and requirements (for example, he is successful, healthy, handsome, athletic, has common interests with his father).
If this does not happen, or if the child is still too small to win the love of his father, then the man ceases to see the point in continuing to communicate with that person who simply comes from him biologically, but does not evoke any parental feelings and pride.
It is not enough to understand the reason that a father refuses to interact with his children after the breakdown of the family - we need to correct this, if possible. Otherwise, it turns out that communication between father and son/daughter is nothing more than simply imposed mandatory communication due to living together.
USEFUL INFORMATION: BTI certificate on ownership of the real estate property
Love from under the stick
How do women behave in a situation when a man pretends to be a shadow and “forgets” about his son or daughter?
Many people begin to force their ex to “love” the child: “You must!” You are the father! Honey, you're a grown woman. Surely you understand that it is impossible to force a person to do something through whips and lectures. You don’t get a kick out of this behavior yourself, do you?
Not to make it more convenient for your ex to communicate with you. Not for him, but for yourself. It is important to understand that all your feelings, emotions and grievances are “read” by children. They learn this. They not only memorize the smart lectures that you give them 24/7. They feel the emotional background. Just like you, as a small child, I felt the background between mom and dad.
Why does the father not want to communicate with the child?
Attention
I didn’t notice this because I already had an opinion. This opinion was formed based on one phrase from my mother, that they divorced because he drank and was very sociable, including with other girls
I had a slight shock when I suddenly realized that none of this was true.
At the time of the divorce, dad was 28 years old. He drank as much as many military men of the same age who live in a military town in the middle of the forest drink. It is normal for a man to show interest in women. I realized that I knew nothing at all about my own father, except for a couple of negative labels hung on him. I reconsidered my attitude. I remembered something, learned something from relatives. In fact, my father was not an alcoholic, a drug addict, a monster or a moral monster. He was an ordinary guy with his own problems, and he had more positive qualities.
