My husband left the family, said he was tired of me - 2 advice from psychologists, consultations

Reasons for being tired of life

Fatigue from life, or emotional burnout syndrome, is a complete or partial loss of physical and emotional strength, which is accompanied by general exhaustion of the body. In the 21st century, fatigue has become pathological throughout the globe; every day people experience symptoms of burnout, some live with them all their lives.

What causes the feeling of fatigue:

Fast change of events. When a person does not keep up with changes, and the usual rhythm of life gains momentum, the body resists and turns on defensive reactions. One of them is reluctance to do anything;
Scandals at home and at work. Constantly being in a state of stress, expecting a reprimand at work or a family scandal makes a person exhausted;
Dependence on other people's opinions and assessments. Such people constantly think about what they said and how others will react to it. They live not for themselves, but for others, so at some point they lose interest in life;
Envy is a feeling that consumes a large amount of energy and interferes with enjoying life. When a person is jealous of other people's successes, compares himself with others, he is in constant tension and loses self-confidence;
Constantly waiting for a catch. People who suspect everyone, expect to be deceived or set up, turn their lives into sheer stress;
Inflated demands on oneself, or “excellent student syndrome,” is a common problem in modern society. A person gives himself the attitude that he always needs to be the best, and everything should work out. The slightest failure leads such people to disappointment;
Low expectations for yourself is the opposite problem, which makes people tired. When a person partially relieves himself of responsibility and does not complete the work to the end, he begins to be lazy and constantly feels exhausted;
Excessive caution. Attempts to predict the outcome of events, to warn and protect themselves force people to live in constant fear and experience tension;
Physical exhaustion. When a person does not get enough sleep and works a lot, physical fatigue develops into emotional fatigue. Work becomes more difficult, concentration falls, and nervousness appears;
Adolescence. The grown-up child gets acquainted with adult life and new responsibilities. Many people are tired of the stress of school and exams;
Middle age crisis. By the age of 30-40, a person begins to analyze what he has achieved. Many come to the conclusion that they have lived a mortal life and have not achieved success;
Men feel tired because society labels them as “breadwinner” and “protector.” By conventional standards, they must constantly reach new heights and constantly work on themselves, which leads to emotional burnout.

Thinks hard

Note! Today, everyone shouts with one voice about motivation and personal growth, they know quotes from successful people by heart and look up to them. Not everyone manages to quickly achieve what they want; sometimes they have to put up with failures. The desire for inflated ideals takes away the last of your strength and leads to emotional exhaustion.

MEANING: don't wait for love - love yourself

Melancholy is a friend of those with a visual vector. Any of them feels the flow of life only in the changing of emotions, colors, and moods. At the highest point of emotions is euphoria or love. On the bottom - melancholy or sadness. It happens that you don’t manage to be filled with vivid impressions even occasionally, but you don’t have the skill or opportunity to give your emotions to others, to sympathize. “Nobody loves me” is a faithful companion to melancholy and the feeling of fatigue “from all this.”

If we imagine a conventional scale of development of the properties of the visual vector, we will see at the very beginning complete concentration on ourselves, on our own experiences and fears. And the further development goes, the more attention is paid to others. And if at the very beginning - “I want love, love me!” - as the vector develops, more and more - “I love!”. You need to understand that the development of the properties of a particular vector is not a sentence or a “bad assessment”. This is not directly related to what is considered to be the development of the personality as a whole. In addition, development occurs only until puberty, so we cannot control this process on our own. But we can implement properties to the extent available. It is interesting that in a state of super stress we can “lose” all signs of the development of properties.

So, about longing. When we, the owners of the visual vector, cannot realize our need to change emotions and there is no one nearby with whom we can sympathize, satisfying the pain of another person with love, we fall into melancholy. Or, when everything is not too bad, unbearable boredom and fatigue from life arises. What we mean here is from this way of life, from the lack of a sense of the flow of life, the change of impressions.

The most common cause of sadness is a severance of emotional connection due to separation or death of a loved one. In this case, any advice will be inappropriate: until the person himself understands the real reason for the serious condition, the world will not be kind. At the training “System-vector psychology” by Yuri Burlan, these topics are discussed in detail. When awareness of one’s own desires and innate properties occurs, the heaviest melancholy turns into light sadness - pleasant memories of happy moments associated with the departed. This opens the way for new relationships without the fear of loss.

“I began to feel like a living person. My day just explodes with emotions. Now I sing at the top of my lungs, now I roar, out of breath, now I neigh like a wild horse. I am alive, I exist! I slowly began to gain the strength to live. Live and do. Started to sort things out. Uff, how many of them have accumulated!”

Olga, Ekaterinburg Read full text of the result

“I understood what it means to live excitedly! When I read about this in other reviews, I always tried to imagine how it could be for me, but for me it turned out to be completely different than I imagined. Indeed, at the end of the day, most often I only worry about the fact that I didn’t have time to do everything I wanted, and why there are so few hours in the day. I go to bed in joyful anticipation of the next day and wake up full of enthusiasm, because I know why and what I will do. And all this despite the fact that outwardly nothing much has changed..."

Anastasia, Moscow Read full text of the result

Main symptoms of the problem

Memory problems, absent-mindedness and forgetfulness - what to do

Each person has his own threshold of patience and reaction to stimuli; two people can react differently to the same difficulties in life. What is normal for one person is infuriating for another. Main symptoms of fatigue:

Nervousness and irritability are the first signs of exhaustion. It’s easy to make a person angry, he gets offended for any reason, he walks around all day and is in no mood;
Decreased productivity. It takes more time to do your usual work than before;
An inexplicable feeling of fear. It seems to a person that he might go crazy, he is afraid of being left without work, housing, money, when there is no reason to worry;
Mood swings. Within an hour, the mood can change from euphoria to despair, in the evenings there is a desire to cry;
After waking up, a person does not feel rested; even an 8-hour sleep does not help restore strength;
It has become difficult to fall asleep, you have to take a sedative or sleeping pills;
Lost interest in previously favorite activities: reading, walking, drawing. I want to be alone and not communicate with anyone;
The desire to “eat” stress with sweets to replenish the lack of energy;
Every evening there is a desire to drink a little alcohol to calm down and relieve stress;
General weakening of the body: frequent respiratory diseases, decreased hemoglobin and immunity;
Pressure surges, migraines, excessive sweating.

Note! The presence of 3 or more symptoms indicates a problem and the need to take care of your health.

If you're tired and nothing makes you happy

The husband does not want intimacy with his wife - the causes of the problem and advice from a psychologist

Many people live for years in a state of lack of strength, not giving it any importance. Some people are ashamed to admit that they have a problem, while others are already used to living like this.

Tired woman at work

If a person feels tired of life, what to do:

Add time for rest to your daily routine, take 2-3 short breaks while working;
When doing household chores, every 2-4 hours you need to pause for 15-30 minutes, during which time you do not need to do anything. You can read a book, watch a movie or drink tea;
Make time for physical activity, 10-15 minutes in the morning is enough. Those who have a sedentary job can choose 2-3 exercises that can be done at the workplace: raising your toes, circular movements with your hands, during a break you can walk up the stairs;
Plan your work day. Each person has his own time when he is most productive. Important things need to be done in moments of a surge of energy. When there is little energy, it is better to stop important work and do mechanical work: sort out papers, clean up the workplace;
Switch your attention: do meditation or a hobby, go to the cinema or theater. A tired person does not want to see anyone, so you can go for a walk alone;
Meet the beginning and end of the day in peace, without phones and TV. Before going to bed and after waking up, you need to spend at least 30 minutes in silence, without thinking about upcoming tasks and responsibilities;
Adjust your sleep schedule, stop sitting in front of the TV or monitor. You need to fall asleep before midnight and sleep for at least 7 and no more than 9 hours;
In advanced cases, when independent actions do not help, you should consult a doctor. Psychologists and psychotherapists can help you understand internal problems, find and eliminate the cause of burnout.

Note! It may be difficult for a person to tell their family about their experiences because they are afraid of being judged. Often relatives do not take moral exhaustion seriously and say: “What are you tired of? You’re not doing anything!” It is important to understand that if a person is tired of life, this is a serious problem, and not his whim.

Tired of living: monologue in the kitchen

It would seem, live and be happy, there are still so many years ahead... I haven’t even started living yet! And I'm already tired of it. No strength, no desire to live. Like a robot, I mechanically perform the necessary actions. Who needs them? Why am I doing this? Who decided that this is exactly what I need? Is it really the meaning of life to perform useless actions day after day: go to work, run to the store, spend the money you earn on food, eat, sleep, wake up and repeat the well-trodden route again - home, work, store, home?

Everything is through strength. Even what is commonly called pleasure is done through force in the hope of a cure. Does not help. It seems that I was already born with this fatigue. I'm sleeping and can't get enough sleep.

For some reason I started reading the advice of psychologists... Nonsense. It's complete nonsense all around. Friends say: “Find a guy. Have a baby. Finally, get a cat!” What's the point? “You need to think positively.” Come on! How much more positive? We will all die someday, and this is the only thought that keeps me hopeful. And the constant prophecies about the end of the world are also encouraging.

I'm trying to come to an agreement with myself. Look at it like this - there's nothing to complain about. After all, there are people who are much worse off, who have truly serious problems, hopeless situations. But what do I care about them? I'm tired of all this! And from people! And from life! And from myself!

No, I’m not at all thinking about how to kill myself easily, I’m not looking for ways to die quickly without pain or anything like that. I feel that there is some special meaning to my existence. It even seems that I am the chosen one and that someone is about to appear, open a secret door for me, and I will finally wake up in my real life. Otherwise there is no point in living...

How does this condition affect life?

How to get rid of bad thoughts in your head and what to do if they constantly creep in

Few people know what to do if a person is tired of life, although this condition is dangerous to health. When a person is under stress, the amount of gray matter in the brain decreases, and the risk of developing neuroses increases.

Nervous man

Emotional burnout interferes with work; a person cannot advance in his career for a long time, which causes even greater frustration. Fatigue occurs due to stress, which also provokes the development of ischemic diseases, increasing the risk of stroke and heart attack, which can be fatal.

Advice from psychologists

In the pursuit of perfection, one must maintain a sense of proportion. Inflated ideals and impossible tasks force people to put in more and more effort, while the set goals remain unachieved. An exhausted person who has not achieved what he wants gives up and realizes that he is tired and doesn’t want anything else.

Psychologists advise to engage in prevention to prevent emotional burnout. If a person has already experienced fatigue from life, what to do to prevent recurrent symptoms:

Refrain from drinking sleeping pills, alcohol and sweets. If you always follow desires, the body will be waiting for “feeding” from the outside;
Realize that you cannot avoid problems. The best way to not succumb to stress is to be prepared for it and not to become hysterical when something doesn’t go according to plan;
Don't take it out on your family and friends. A momentary desire to yell at your mother or husband is not worth the family problems that will arise in the future;
Don't run away from problems. Bad job, unsuccessful relationships, health problems - you can’t turn a blind eye to all this. If the source of irritation is not removed, the feeling of fatigue will return over time;
Plan your vacation. Everyday activities and responsibilities consume the resources of the nervous system; they can be restored during rest. It is better to give up meaningless lying on the couch in favor of walking;
Stop thinking about other people's opinions and demanding the impossible from yourself. There is no point in worrying if something didn’t work out the first time;
Get a pet. Animals make people kinder; walking with a dog will help you calm down and gain strength.

Walking the dog

Note! Women are more likely to feel tired because they often have to make a choice between a career and home. Few people can leave work and devote themselves entirely to their family. A modern woman combines household chores and a career and sometimes feels that she is tired of herself and is no longer happy with anything.

It is unlikely that there is at least 1 adult person on Earth who has never experienced fatigue. If physical fatigue passes quickly, frequent moral overload weakens the psyche. A feeling of fatigue can occur both at 15 and at 50 years old, regardless of status and position in society. To start enjoying life again, you need to admit that there is a problem and eliminate its cause.

How to save a relationship if a guy says he’s tired or wants freedom, but still loves him very much?

Hello Daria!

Thank you for such a detailed description of your situation, you are right, this is indeed a common difficulty that arises in couples. Well, let's try to figure it out and perhaps it will be useful to other readers who have encountered similar difficulties.

To begin with, relationships at the start are always brighter, more emotional, more diverse because this phase of acquaintance, when two people are just beginning to get to know each other, want to seem better themselves and see the best in their partner, in addition, there is novelty, sharpness of sensations, no addiction, everything happens for the first time, so there is almost no predictability.

Then, when the first wave has passed 6-9 months, there comes a gradual return to reality, when we become ourselves, we stop playing and so does our partner, we gradually relax and stop “guessing” desires, and more and more often we need to talk about them. This is where work begins, which implies care, sincerity, loyalty, patience, attention and time for each other.

But it was so good, there was a strong euphoria and I don’t want to accept the fact that it won’t happen again, but life goes on and no one wants gray everyday life. This is where the first tests of strength and the truth of feelings begin. If the first months are largely determined by nature (the notorious instinct of procreation), when a larger than usual amount of hormones (phenylethylamine, dopamine, endorphins, etc.) are released, then the rest of the time is determined by our desire (feelings) and actions (actions).

You write that “we will do anything to save the relationship.” Are you writing on behalf of the two of you or on your own, but implying that your partner thinks the same way? This is important because your expectations may be one, and his expectations are completely different, so first of all you need to agree with each other what each of you wants. It is important for you to save, and you are ready to make efforts, and in general, it is not you who initiate the break, but I can’t say the same about him (judging by your letter). If it was important for him to maintain the relationship, he would not “abandon” you, would strive to spend more time with you, and would set his priorities differently. In addition, when he decided to get back together with you, it was not he, but you who had to go to him - this is already an indicator of his attitude towards you.

There are situations when separation heals, or rather helps to reassess the meaning and role of relationships in life, but this cannot be used as a tool every 2-3 weeks. This is acceptable 1-2 times in a lifetime, and certainly not at such an early stage. The point of breaking up is to move away from each other for a while, to feel what has changed. And if suddenly moving away, although unusually, is easier, then you need to be honest, first of all, with yourself in order to understand that you shouldn’t play with it and drag it out for years. It will also be dishonest towards the partner, because... this is already theft of his (her) time. If, after parting, you understand how important and dear a person is to you, that he (she) is more important to you than work, friends, travel, then you act accordingly - with gratitude, love, and consciously choose to be there for you, no matter what!

But all the excuses, like “a waste of youth”, “tired”, “I want freedom”, etc. – this has nothing to do with conscious feeling. This fear, conscious or not, does not matter. Not wanting to take responsibility - yes, because you will have to answer for your words and actions, otherwise you are not a man, because someone whose words, deeds and actions do not differ has the right to be called a man. If you are not ready to get married (and he is clearly not ready yet), you need to have the courage and say so, do not waste your time, do not engage in sadomasochism and do not follow other disappointing examples. You yourself are responsible for what you build, and you choose what or who you look up to.

You yourself write that you see each other very rarely, what kind of fatigue can we talk about? Fatigue, or rather what is meant by it, can only happen in the case of insincerity, when you understand with your mind that it is “right” to be together, but in fact there is no desire to build relationships and “save” them. It's about maturity. And here you can, of course, attribute it to your young age, but this is rather a mental quality that may be present at 15 years old, and which may not be present at 60 years old.

The opposite of maturity is a child, a small person who has a minimum of responsibility in life, but a lot of pleasure, entertainment, and games. Therefore, often most adults, losing novelty, emotional uplift, etc., begin to regress into the position of a child. It’s like I want a new toy, the old one is no longer interesting. He doesn’t think about how else he can play with this toy, how else he can use it, what games he can come up with specifically with it, because it is valuable to him. And if the toy is not valuable, then it can be exchanged for another. A partner is, of course, not a toy, but one can relate to him precisely through this prism. Therefore, if I’m no longer interested, it means I’ve missed something somewhere, and I have to make an effort to bring interest, stop doing what depresses me, and try to try something new. This could be joint hobbies, sports, joint training in spiritual practices, trainings, master classes, etc. A couple must have common goals. In your case, this is definitely marriage. This is a new level for relationships, this is a new stage, and all the excuses like, it’s too early, no money, not ready, tired, etc. - this is already the answer. Because if something is important to us in life, we do not wait, but do it.

Yes, of course, this is a challenge, it can be scary and alarming, but having a pure, open heart in front of each other, everything can be overcome and the trick is that it is by overcoming something that we grow and reach a new stage of development. It will always seem that the “ideal” moment has not yet arrived, it’s too early/or vice versa, it’s too late, but believe me, this is all a search for reasons why not to do it. But you can look for opportunities to do and move in this direction. This is a choice and you need to be responsible for it, it is important to realize it and understand what motivates you.

A couple must learn to talk to each other on any topic, the most uncomfortable and painful, but to talk in order to look for a way out, and not to go into hopelessness and despair. It’s always easier to recharge on the side, and it’s easier to impress others than a person who’s been around for years.

People often waste their strength and energy on others, and come home tired to rest, without investing anything in the relationship, but demanding and expecting that they should be given something. This is the mistake of the majority. Surprising and conquering in a family (as a couple) is no less important than in a profession or in the company of friends.

Being faithful to a partner is not only about the absence of betrayal, it is also the ability to say no to other temptations (friends, movies, work, hobbies, etc.), but to constantly confirm your choice, to be faithful to the value of the relationship, the value of the woman for whom the man takes responsibility. This does not mean that we can be together 24/7, it is clear that there are different periods, and it happens that there are difficulties at work, or friends need help, but we are not talking about some short period of time, but about a long-term relationship. And if this period of shifting priorities drags on, then both feel it. And in this case, again you need to make a choice.

You write correctly that if two people really love each other, they can overcome everything. The question is, what does each of them mean by the word “love”? Patience and diligence, as I hope you have already understood, must be mutual and not in words, but in deeds. You wrote here and this is already your first step towards change, you are looking for answers, you ask for help, but what does he do? How does he look for these answers? Going to work? You should definitely go through this difficult period together, talking about your feelings, sharing your pain and fears with each other, and not each run into your own den and cope with your experiences alone. Or, even worse, enter into a coalition with friends, look for disappointing examples and thus grow even further apart from each other.

If you feel that his “fatigue” will return, it means you yourself do not believe in his feelings. This could be for two reasons, or there really aren’t any, and no matter what he says, no matter how he looks, you feel like you’ve lost something. And the second option - you are in a lot of pain, and you have not expressed this pain and have not lived it to the end (for example, the pain from the fact that he abandoned you twice), so your heart is closed for now.

In the first case, you cannot change anything, it is he who must want to do something again for your sake (because you are not his wife, you do not have status in front of him to influence him). Your task in this case is to develop, invest in yourself, not betray yourself, and be sincere in your feelings.

In the second case, you need to express all this pain, acknowledge it, not hide it, not be afraid of losing it, but show everything you feel. I can’t believe that a girl who was dumped twice doesn’t feel pain, anger and anger towards her boyfriend, but just wants to save the relationship. In order to rebuild them further, it is necessary to clean up the already formed sediment. Set your boundaries, only by showing these emotions can you let him understand that he can’t do this to you, that you are not a toy that can be thrown away and found again. And you immediately forgive, you are also the first to go to him... what is this about? Where is your feminine dignity, where is your pride (in the good sense of the word)? Don’t rush to fix everything quickly, stay in these states that are uncomfortable for you, live through them and you yourself will understand how and what you want to build further.

In a relationship, a lot depends on the girl/woman, so don’t lie to yourself, first sort out your feelings and express them towards the guy, he, in turn, will either understand something, and you can build a qualitatively new relationship, or he won’t understand . But then you won’t need it either. What's the point of being with a person who doesn't respect you and leaves you at the slightest change in mood?

As you can see, not everything is so simple, there are no universal recipes, and there are no magic pills either. You have something to think about.

I hope I could be useful. I believe in you and your strength!

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