Before you start reading the article, find out if you are at all familiar with the concept of a martyr complex and what this phenomenon entails:
When we talk about martyrs, what usually comes to mind are religious or spiritual figures who were persecuted, persecuted or tortured because of their views or beliefs, and especially those who chose physical torture and death over giving up what they fervently believed in, and which was sacred to them. Ozhegov’s dictionary defines a martyr as “a person who is subjected to physical or moral torture and experiences a lot of suffering.” But even in everyday life, we can often encounter those who can be called martyrs - in the lives of these people there is inescapable pain and suffering.
A person with such a worldview is often called a victim, but psychologists note that there are slight differences between the victim complex and the martyr complex. In the first case, a person considers himself to have suffered from some unpleasant annoyance, injustice, or someone’s bad attitude (real or perceived) and experiences negative emotions about this. Thoughts about a terrible event and strong feelings often distort the perception of such a “victim,” forcing him to concentrate on the unpleasant and crowding out other points of view and searches for a solution. Being around such a person may give the impression that all he wants is to suffer, feel sorry for himself and drown in his negative emotions.
In turn, the martyr complex is not just a feeling of being a victim, it is a more “neglected case.” Here a person is not limited to suffering due to some incidents in his life, but also miraculously attracts them to himself and finds himself in painful situations. Martyrs really look out for situations where they can suffer and heroically endure, and completely unconsciously. Such people do not understand themselves and their needs well, they begin to serve other people or some idea or cause, and ultimately accumulate a baggage of unfulfilled needs and negative emotions.
The martyr complex is not a rare phenomenon in our society, but it is undoubtedly unhealthy. Perhaps you know such people or even recognize yourself in this portrait. Below we will present a number of signs by which you can diagnose this condition in yourself, and also highlight in detail what exactly such a complex is fraught with and what life scenarios it leads to. In the next article we will look in detail at how you can free yourself from the martyr complex and what to do if there is such a person in your immediate circle.
How to recognize a martyr complex
What distinguishes people with such a worldview is that they are poor at understanding and caring for themselves. They focus on giving of themselves to others, and when they do not receive returns or their needs met, they experience intense emotions of anger, resentment and helplessness. They feel like hunted animals and do not know how to cope with their experiences or how to break this vicious circle.
What indicates that you are suffering from a martyr complex? Here are some of its signs:
You do things for others even when you don't feel appreciated.
It is absolutely normal to feel the desire to help loved ones and those you like if they need it, but those who have a penchant for martyrdom take this too far. They don't stop helping or giving when others are ungrateful, just like any other person would do. Often they continue to do the “good deed” while complaining and complaining about how it is not appreciated or taken for granted.
Martyrs do not see any option to stop doing good to someone or helping someone when it becomes uncomfortable, unpleasant or painful for them, and they feel helpless and hopeless. And, despite all their pain, resentment or anger, they continue to pull the burden.
You tend to do and give too much
Of course, doing someone a favor or working a little more than usual doesn't mean you definitely have a martyr complex. However, if you regularly take on additional responsibilities or take on work that is not yours, this is already a reason to think about it.
Very often, people with this problem feel that nothing will be done unless they take care of it themselves, and, moreover, refuse any offers of help. Martyrs often agree to help or do something extra, even if they are already overburdened and dissatisfied with everything that rests on their shoulders. And some of them even suggest doing something else!
Such people do not feel the right to refuse obligations and responsibility for the well-being of others.
The people you associate with make you feel bad
Perhaps there is a person in your close circle who constantly humiliates or devalues you in some way, focuses on your shortcomings and weaknesses, or deprives you of self-confidence, thereby causing a feeling of inferiority and other unpleasant emotions.
In such a situation, a person with healthy self-esteem and instincts will begin to defend his personal boundaries and establish a comfortable distance for himself with a destructive partner, while people with martyr tendencies do not know how to defend themselves from toxic people. Often they will continue to suffer in silence or complaining about the “offender” and his behavior, but leave everything as it is, unable to interrupt or in any way change the interaction.
If you are one of those who continues to communicate with those with whom he feels bad, and do not know how to make relationships more comfortable and enjoyable for yourself, this is an alarm bell.
You are chronically dissatisfied with your job or relationships
Often a person finds himself in a situation where he is dissatisfied with his career or personal life, and sometimes with both. However, what distinguishes a martyr from any other person is that if a person with a mindset more adequate to reality notices his dissatisfaction with some aspect of life and takes steps to correct this, then the sufferer does not believe that such a thing is possible in principle, and does not changes his life.
Someone who is accustomed to suffering, in turn, may notice that this pattern of dissatisfaction can be traced in different areas of his life and for many years. Usually such a person is deeply stuck in blaming others for the fact that he finds himself in such a pitiable situation, or believes that he deserves a better life because of all the sacrifices he has made. This type of thinking and focus distracts the martyr from seeking a solution to the problem and reinforces habitual states of resentment and impotent anger.
Your relationships with other people are characterized by a pattern of caring and full satisfaction of all the needs of the other
People with a learner complex may notice a very clear tendency towards self-sacrifice and total giving of oneself to another in all personal relationships throughout their lives.
This situation is qualitatively different from those cases in which some imbalance is natural, such as in the relationship between parents and children or when caring for a seriously ill partner. With a martyr complex, however, a person replaces his own interests with common ones or those of others and ends up living for the sake of others. You can easily recognize this complex in yourself if you observe the tendency to sacrifice your time, energy, interests, plans, goals and values for the sake of other people in all the relationships you create.
Physical complexes
They are associated, first of all, with a person’s external data. Mostly, young people who have not yet learned to accept themselves for who they really are suffer from such complexes. The older generation already meaningfully accepts its strengths and weaknesses. Many worries about being too fat or thin, or having an irregularly shaped nose are generally subjective and in no way correspond to reality. Let us take a closer look at what such complexes are based on.
Excess weight
A person is too fixated on the features of his appearance. He constantly feels that he is not good enough and unworthy of the highest joy. Being overweight, many modern people strive to lose weight at all costs. Having such a complex, an individual is often capable of any tricks in order to achieve his cherished goal. In addition, obesity itself often creates shyness and lowers self-esteem.
Lack of weight
In the case of underweight, a person also suffers, although for a different reason. The development of the complex occurs rapidly if it is not possible to establish friendships or romantic relationships for a long time. A person considers himself to be to blame for everything, or rather his real or imaginary shortcoming. After all, the more we plunge into our own complexes, the more difficult it becomes to live on and make plans for the future. A person who is too focused on his own experiences cannot fully move forward and remain satisfied with his own achievements. The reason for the appearance of a complex is usually a conflict with parents or a team, as a result of which an incorrect attitude towards the situation and oneself is formed.
Physical disabilities
A person can begin to perceive almost any feature that goes beyond the norm as a flaw. The presence of deficiencies forms separate complexes that only progress over time and do not decrease. Some people perceive any physical disability as the greatest tragedy of life. In many cases, they tend to give up their own prospects only because they consider themselves unworthy of happiness and receiving some of the benefits they desire. Significant physical defects form complexes, which subsequently become not so easy to get rid of. The whole point is that a person gets used to a certain line of behavior. Changing something after a while becomes very difficult.
How else can you recognize a martyr complex?
In addition to the above signs that indicate the probable presence of a martyr complex, there are three more questions that can reveal it:
- Would your relationship be described as unequal? Do you feel like you care about your partner and do your best for him, while he does very little for you?
- Do you feel like there is no room in this relationship to discuss your wants and needs?
- Do you feel that refusing to satisfy your partner's wishes will jeopardize the relationship?
If, as you answer these questions, an imbalance becomes apparent and it fills you with feelings of disappointment, resentment, anger, or helplessness, it's time to unlearn self-sacrifice in your personal relationships.
The emotional side of a relationship is a very good indicator of its health, equality and balance. Look at how you feel with each significant person:
- Do you feel supported, loved, cared for, and safe, even during times of imbalance?
- Or do you experience chronic feelings of resentment, bitterness and disappointment in your loved ones? Often there may be a desire to make them feel guilty and repentant for not appreciating you so much.
Having looked at your life and personal relationships closely, with some criticality, diagnosing a martyr complex in yourself is not so difficult. Undoubtedly, this feature greatly spoils the life of its owners, and below we will present its main destructive consequences.
Why is the martyr complex dangerous?
The martyr complex is not at all as harmless as it might seem at first glance. The list of its side effects is quite impressive:
Strained relationship
As it is not difficult to understand, it is very difficult for a person with a martyr mentality to speak openly about his feelings and needs and to ask. As a result, his communication is unnatural, strained and inadequate.
For example, instead of openly saying what he doesn't like, the martyr resorts to passive aggression or explodes when he can't stand it any longer. There are no other methods in his repertoire, and his ability to build harmonious relationships is greatly undermined. In addition, the martyr accumulates feelings of dissatisfaction, anger and resentment towards his partner.
All this makes a healthy and satisfying relationship for both partners impossible.
Emotional burnout
Martyrs don't know how to put themselves first and take care of themselves. And as a result of this, they almost always end up exhausted, emasculated, physically ill, depressed, restless and dissatisfied. If you notice that your internal battery is often low and your burden is heavier than others, this may be true - you have taken on other people's responsibilities and affairs and are devoting your time and energy to the wrong places.
Even the martyr's emotional states feed his burnout. Chronic irritation and dissatisfaction not only create a permanent feeling of stress, but also isolate the unfortunate person from other people. Behind such a wall, it becomes more difficult to notice and accept help, support, sympathy or constructive suggestions from others, and very soon their flow stops. Thus, the feeling of burnout is self-sustaining.
Unfortunately, chronic stress and burnout are not the preserve of martyrs alone. It is necessary for everyone who lives in the modern world with its high speeds and demands to be able to cope with them. The skill of emotional self-regulation is useful for any person, but it is especially valuable for martyrs to master it.
Lack of positive changes in life
General dissatisfaction runs like a red thread through the lives of the martyrs. The “perpetual sufferer” is in a relationship or circumstance that does not suit him, upsets him, exhausts him or angers him, and he often has a persistent feeling that he is stuck and cannot get out of the swamp.
Such a person is unhappy, feels sorry for himself or blames others, but rarely does anything to correct the situation. It also often happens that, having got out of one such trouble, he finds himself in another. In fairness, it should be noted that the lack of necessary internal resources and skills does not allow him to get out of his swamp of hopeless situations and break the vicious circle. As a result, the torment drags on, and the person himself achieves neither his personal goals nor any significant social success.
To summarize, we can say that a person pays for having a martyr complex with his success in life, satisfaction and relationships. And, unfortunately, a person blames others or circumstances for this, and not his thinking and algorithms for interacting with life.
Psychology of consciousness: how to understand that you are in a triangle?
You can understand that you are trying to “save” someone if, looking at the person or situation, you first feel a strong feeling of pity for him, and then a plan of what he “really needs” matures in your head. After this, a strong desire arises to save him, because he, the unfortunate one, “doesn’t know,” “doesn’t understand,” “doesn’t feel,” “can’t do,” and so on. Psychologists call the feeling when you know exactly what someone else needs to do - where to work, who to marry, how to get treatment, how to live - grandiosity. Because a person can only save himself, and if everyone around him tells him about his mistakes, then he needs to gain experience, even if it is negative. It is worth giving up the habit of thinking that a loved one is not able to cope with the problem, even if he does not yet know how to do it. The best support is not blind rescue, but sincere sympathy, an offer of all possible help, the opportunity to be close, but only if the other wants it.
