After 20 years, the list of criteria for a future partner grows exponentially. Just beautiful eyes are no longer enough - they must certainly be brown and sit on a pleasant face with brutal stubble or at least without a pathetic mustache. Mid-level workers, divorced, very boring, not generous enough - please pass by, please don’t block the path to the man of my dreams.
There is a rumor that after 35 the bar will begin to fall rapidly. Perhaps these are the inventions of women who were unsuccessfully married and are jealous of their free friends. I can say one thing: if you continue to approach your search for a partner like a personnel officer with 20 years of experience, then you will have every chance to check how your attitude towards men changes with age.
Expectations from relationships increase gradually. If the thought has already crossed your mind that there are no normal men left, perhaps the issue is your unrealistic demands, and not the degeneration of humanity. Here are a few signs that will help you understand that you want too much from a relationship.
Judging your partner based on past relationships
Don't let a guy's past relationship history influence your opinion of him. Of course, if we are talking about important things like cheating on former partners, you should be wary. But when a man doesn't meet your expectations because of a certain number of past affairs or a failed marriage, you may be too strict. There are probably a couple of unpleasant stories lying around in the closet of your personal life, but they don’t necessarily characterize you, do they? Even if you can rival the ancient Greek Athena in chastity, so what? Every relationship is a unique experience, and with each new partner a person behaves differently.
Charm and disappointment
So, we already know a lot about expectations. It’s time to deal with the second variable – disappointment. Why does it occur, what danger does it pose and how to avoid it?
The words “charm” and “disappointment” have a common root – “charm”. As we know, enchantment is a kind of magical, sometimes mystical power. But, no matter what it is, it is always closely connected with an illusion, that is, something fictitious, far-fetched, and not existing in real life.
“The witch cast her spell on the prince, and he fell madly in love with her. She can’t sleep, she can’t eat, she thinks about her.” So in life, we tend to be fascinated by other people, attributing to them a non-existent image, endowing them with ideal features, impeccability and perfection. After all, it’s true what they say is that when a person falls in love, he sees his chosen one through “rose-colored glasses,” not noticing that he is an ordinary person with his own merits and demerits.
But the spell cannot last a lifetime. Very soon they stop working, and then disappointment sets in. How come, where were my eyes? What was I waiting for, what was I thinking? After all, in real life everything is real, and our prince is also “not on parade”, he can sleep until lunch, watch “this strange football” and throw his socks around the room. My God, charm me again so as not to see this!
What's really going on? After all, it was we who came up with the ideal image for ourselves and forced ourselves to believe in it. We ourselves were enchanted and disappointed. Who's to blame? Essentially, there is no one.
In addition, psychologists have long noticed such a phenomenon as projection. According to the law of projection, a person sees in another, first of all, what is in himself. That is, the people around us (especially the closest ones) are our mirrors. We criticize them for the things we hate about ourselves and admire the things we like about ourselves. In addition, we subconsciously attribute to them the desires that we ourselves possess. And we begin to implement them. Do our loved ones need this, do they want the same? This is not a fact at all.
We can talk about disappointment for a long time. It can occur to us in different areas of our lives.
For example, a person may be disappointed:
1. In people. When a girl gets married, she expects protection, care, love, and material support from her newly-made husband. “So as not to drink, not to party, he called his mother-in-law mom.” And suddenly it turns out that he is not like that at all. He has some weaknesses, hobbies, and he sees your life together completely differently. Happens? Yes, all the time.
Or, again, the previously described cases of disappointment in children, relatives, and friends. You expect one thing, but here it is for you! - completely different. Unpleasant? Yes. And it hurts.
2. In activity. Many senior students dream that as soon as they receive their diploma, a cloudless career and unlimited career growth will begin for them. Where going to work is like going to a holiday. In a tie and with flowers. And then suddenly it turns out that, for example, a teacher is not only bouquets for the first and last bell, grateful reviews from parents and obedient children, but also a pile of papers, disrupted lessons, conversations with mothers of “disadvantages”, “debriefings” with colleagues and bosses, and mountains of unchecked notebooks at home. How can this be, because this is not what I dreamed of!
You can become disappointed in the place of work, in its content, and in the profession in general. Often a new field of activity, previously unfamiliar, saves the day. But, if there have already been more than one or two such activities, perhaps they are not the reason?
3. In yourself. This is perhaps the most difficult thing. If a person understands that he did everything wrong in life, and “this is what it all led to.” I wanted to become someone, but it didn’t work out. Didn't achieve it, didn't achieve it, couldn't. “Why strive for something if I am a nonentity, a complete zero?” Unfortunately, such cases also occur, and often.
Looking for certain physical characteristics
If you think that you know exactly what your chosen one should look like, then you are not choosing the healthiest way to find a partner. Your expectations for a guy won't be realistic when you think of him as a set of certain physical characteristics.
It’s one thing to not feel attracted to someone; the lack of chemistry is difficult to compensate for with other qualities of a partner. But if you automatically exclude a person based only on external data, this is not a very good sign.
Next time you decide to turn down a guy because he doesn't fit your type, try giving him a chance and getting to know the man.
So is it mine or someone else's?
In psychology there is the concept of “ecological desires”. This means that your desire or expectation should not harm the people around you. That is, wishes like “for the end of the world to come” or “for him to finally change and begin to fulfill my demands” are unlikely to come true exactly as you imagine.
In addition, you need to understand that desires can be “yours” and “not yours.” The first ones are what you need. What makes you truly happy and whole.
Everyone has their own special desires and expectations. Very often other people may not understand them. For example, I want to be a good mother. This desire is very resourceful for me, I am filled with it and feel happy. And even though it is not fashionable to have many children now, there is a demographic crisis in the country, a woman must be active and successful in business, and in general, the “childfree” trend is becoming increasingly popular all over the world - what difference does it make if this desire is mine?
The second group, on the contrary, is similar for many. Mom wanted me to become a gymnast - and I, overcoming reluctance and boredom, go to training. A friend dreams of a red Mazda - that’s what I want too! And I’ll also get a second higher education degree, because “that’s how it’s supposed to be.” But who and why?
The ability to filter your desires for environmental friendliness and belonging specifically to you is a kind of art, mastering which you can avoid many disappointments. How to learn this? We will definitely talk about this, but a little later.
You push away people you like
The guy is nice, but you wouldn't date a cashier from a supermarket. It’s fun to be with him, but at 25 years old, traveling on public transport is simply indecent. You could have had a great relationship, it's a pity that he didn't live up to your demands.
I'm not against a pragmatic approach, but for a long-term relationship, sincere attraction to your partner means much more. If you constantly get rid of people you actually like, this is the surest sign that your expectations are too high.
What it is?
CONTENT:
Psychologists attribute the syndrome of inflated expectations to cognitive disorders, that is, deviations in thinking and behavior. People suffering from it experience manic episodes. They do not feel satisfied with the process, they are not happy with the cherished “finish”.
Interestingly, they are highly efficient and often have a plan of clear actions ahead. Such people live according to the ancient Japanese principle: “Forgive others a lot, forgive yourself nothing.” But the Western European lifestyle leaves its mark, envy, a feeling of exhaustion, and increased demands on others develop.
Symptoms of high expectations syndrome:
- Internal anxiety, which sometimes manifests itself physically (rapid heartbeat, insomnia, anxiety, which can be replaced by apathy, lack or increase of appetite, depression).
- Irritability, desire to control oneself and others.
- Obsession with work and lack of personal life or, conversely, an increased desire to create a cozy nest when it is not possible to start a family.
There are social and emotional high expectations. The latter manifest themselves in relation to a spouse, other half, friends, children. For example, a woman married a guy who is excellent at repairing stools and falls asleep listening to football every evening in her arms. Should we expect, after 5 years of marriage, that he will translate her favorite song “Hands Up” into Spanish and get a ticket to the Jean Paul Gaultier fashion show? But such a husband will not refuse to pick up his wife from the hospital or fix his mother-in-law’s faucet. Why not a hero? And if a child wants to draw and for the second month asks to buy him paints, there is no need to enroll him in a dance school just because it is fashionable. Everyone has their own abilities. The main thing is to look at it in time and not trample it.
But the situation is more serious with inflated social expectations. In modern labor market conditions, we need ambitious, enterprising people who are ready to put all of themselves, their personal time, and their family on the chopping block. But if everyone is a boss, who will take on the painstaking work of implementing their plans?
The reasons for the “idealistic” syndrome are to blame for all this:
- A conditioned reflex from childhood, when parents demanded excellent grades and better results in sports sections from their children. At first, the child perceives this as a kind of game, and then a clear chain of reactions is formed: condition - achievement - praise - which means you are loved.
- Commercials with appeals a la “we deserve it”, “we need the best”. You might think that a woman with painted eyelashes has a high level of IQ and will definitely be a beloved wife or the boss of a major holding company.
- Banal envy of others. Sergei was able to become a major entrepreneur, but Ivan was not. Vitaly has an expensive car, and Ivan gets to work by bicycle. Or maybe Ivan lacks a commercial streak? Does he bake pizza well and ride to the bakery on two wheels because he stays in great shape?
It all depends on the angle from which a person looks at himself and others, on his worldview, and on his philosophical approach to life. It has been proven that people more often suffer from the syndrome of inflated expectations during periods of crisis in life. These are future first-graders, teenagers, middle-aged men and women. But any such calls are not a reason to lynch yourself. It is important to remember: a crisis is a time of opportunity.
Dumping a guy after the first date
If you weren't particularly impressed with your first date, you should give the guy another chance. During the meeting, everyone feels ridiculous, nervous, worried, and finds themselves in awkward situations. In such an environment, it is difficult to recognize each other, much less feel something.
Advantages and disadvantages
The positive aspect of high expectations gives impetus to the search for new ways to achieve set goals. Waiting, if it is not just accompanied by “sitting by the blue sea,” must have real motivation and a point-by-point action plan (even Assol from a fairy tale told everyone about waiting for a prince until one was found). The main thing is to ask yourself the question: why?
Important! If you fail to achieve your goal, you should not fall into despair, but gain valuable experience, understand what qualities a person has developed in himself and what he is capable of. Sometimes it's like the old movie "Queen of the Gas Station." The heroine dreamed of going to ice ballet, but in the end she realized that working in a men’s group and refueling cars was much more interesting. Have you betrayed your dream? No, I changed my dream.
But high expectations also have undeniable disadvantages:
- Impaired communication with colleagues and loved ones.
- Emotional exhaustion.
- Nervous disorders.
- Psychosomatic diseases caused by resentment and lack of fulfillment, such as ulcers, asthma, ischemia.
Psychologists say that the syndrome of inflated expectations is not a cause, but a consequence of self-doubt, isolation, and stereotypical thinking. The desire to prove to everyone and to oneself that a person is worthy of happiness if he reaches his goal is a false path. This way you can lose not only loved ones, but also yourself.
Reality
When we shift our focus from external support to internal support, maturity is born in the relationship. And only in this case do we stop attaching to a loved one the image of a savior and fulfiller of our desires. We begin to see him for who he is.
Only those who do not need love from outside can truly love . But the path to yourself is not easy. To begin with, we will need greater awareness, which will allow us to see all the strategies and behavioral reactions built since childhood - all those patterns that make us act automatically.
In my training “The Sacrament of Life” I give basic techniques that allow you to become more conscious and mature. I’m also preparing a new course that will be devoted to unconscious trances, the topic of loneliness and truly close and deep relationships.
By purpose
...That's it, all the salt is here. We place the highest expectations on those closest to us, without asking them whether they are ready to answer them. But they, our closest ones, also sin in the same way in their expectations of us. And therefore, high expectations are often not justified.
What about understated ones? The lowly ones hit where it hurts most, the soul. It just seems that if you want less, you will get more. By lowering the bar of expectations, a person says to himself: “I don’t deserve more” and thereby destroys his potency.
So where is the way out? The way out is in an adequate reaction. It didn’t work out as expected, well, it didn’t work out. So why execute? Each of us has an inner child, an inner parent and an inner adult. We need to find the adult within ourselves. Not a child - who lives in a world of desires, not a parent who assigns responsibility and, accordingly, punishment, but an adult who has no time to engage in reasoning, but needs to act constructively. That is, in the interests of the individual, including his child and parental hypostasis.
Tags: well-being, psychological help, psychologist, problems
