Loves a woman, will love a child
“If he loves a woman, he will love a child.” I very often hear this saying when the conversation turns to children that a man gets with the woman he loves.
Does loving a woman automatically give a man the opportunity to develop a liking for her child?
As I have to observe, it doesn’t. Many men do not experience enthusiastic feelings at all towards their woman’s children from previous relationships.
And is it only this particular man’s “fault” here?
As life shows, men even love their own children not so much for blood, but for specific personality traits. If for some reason the father does not like the child’s personality, then often there is no love and strong affection for the child from the father either. And if in a situation of biological paternity, the father can be asked - where is his own contribution to the personality of his child so that she delights him? In the case of an adopted child, such questions are no longer appropriate.
Here the man sees this child for the first time and simply observes... He observes - what kind of person is in front of him?
If you follow the belief “if he loves a woman, he will love a child,” then it is right to ask the question: does the child have the same character qualities as this man’s beloved? Most likely no. The child has his own set of qualities. Then, where does such an everyday fantasy on the theme of all-consuming love from a man come from? This everyday fantasy has its roots in the belief that one loves for no reason.
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My friends, there has been a confusion of terms in this fantasy. This sexual feeling is experienced just like that, simply because it exists. And once a suitable object comes into the field of view, it means that the sexual feeling will jump up on its own, regardless of what character traits this sexual object is endowed with. The object must only be endowed with suitable gender characteristics. Sometimes the signs are so luxurious or the emotional diet has been so long that the feeling just goes off scale.
They say love has come...
Alas... only sexual attraction descends, which may well transform into love. And it lasts for some time. Sometimes it's enough to make people want to join together as a family. To which sometimes the woman and her children come together. But, thank God, the man has no sexual feelings towards them.
It is necessary for love to appear. But it does not arise out of nowhere. People create love through their own efforts: through their own qualities and the qualities of the opposite side. Your man’s love for your child must also be created.
It would be good for a man to get help in this matter.
How? Sit down and discuss how he imagines his relationship with the child? What responsibilities will he take on towards the child that will help him establish contact with him faster and better? At the same time, talk about whether there is anything that causes tension in your man when communicating with a child and, in general, what he would like to instill in the child, what he would like to pay attention to when raising him? And decide for yourself - are you, as a mother, ready to invest in this, are you ready to support your beloved man in his educational preferences?
And also, the mother will need to talk with the child - what responsibilities does he take on so that the person with whom they have become one family feels comfortable and cozy? (it is clear that I am talking about a child over five or six years old).
In order for this story to have a happy ending, it is necessary that the people who decided to unite into a family, in principle, know how to love. They would be able to see the merits in another person, they would be able to appeal to his best sides, they would be able to make the person next to them feel smarter, kinder and more beautiful. They would be able to curtail their desires for the sake of the desires of others. We would be able to negotiate.
All these skills must be taught to the little man, and also, all these skills must be discovered in the man with whom a woman wants to start a family, not to mention the fact that the woman herself must possess them. Otherwise, it is groundless to hope for love that will accidentally come to this family. I repeat, sexual feelings inadvertently appear. For some short time. And it does not apply to children.
No matter how harsh it will be for a mother to hear - they won’t just let her child into her soul and they will make demands like any other person, they will look and take a closer look: what is he like? with what character? is he obedient? sociable? friendly? is he well brought up? and so on. They will look and decide: do I want to love this little man? And they may well decide that I don’t want to. Some people have no ability to love at all. There is only the ability to experience sexual feelings. And now, mommies, look at who you choose as your life partner. And someone (with an average capacity for love) will not fall in love, simply because he will not like a poorly educated person at all. It is advisable for mothers to remember this and raise their child in such a way that people like him. To understand whether strangers like or dislike your child, you just need to set a goal and get feedback on your child. And the sooner you do this, the better. We have too many illusions about our own children. These illusions greatly interfere with creating new relationships, a new marriage.
I can say that I have repeatedly observed when a completely decent man did not dare to enter into an alliance with a woman who had a poorly raised child. Simply because it was important for him that his woman would be able to raise his future children.
Hence, having a child with a woman can be both a big plus in a man’s desire to connect his destiny with this woman, when the child is well brought up and the man understands what their children together will be like, and a huge minus when they spent very little time raising the child and were involved in only care, shine in clothes and hair.
Roll up your sleeves, dear mothers. Yes, you have a double burden - not only you, but also your children must be loved. To fall in love, looking at them with a sober gaze. Not our mother’s, when we love our “dolls” of any kind up to fifty years old. But, if we love them, we must understand that we are obliged to make their life easier by raising them to be beautiful people to whom many, many will be drawn in soul, because we will teach them to be warm, bright, attentive, hardworking, responsive!
He loves his daughter from his first marriage more than me. I don’t know if it’s worth having children with my husband.
Hello Lisa!
Let's try to go back a little and move to the moment when you decided to marry this man.
What did you love about it? Why did you choose it? And did you know that the man had a daughter when you got married?
This is very important, because if you accepted him knowing that your daughter was growing up, then you agreed in advance that he already bears responsibility in life. After all, paternity cannot be taken away and canceled; it is a lifelong responsibility. Likewise, love does not exist by half; if you love a person, then completely. Not only his eyes and lips, not only his masculinity and care. And his daughter is part of his life. You agreed to build a relationship with him back then. He accepted you, and you accepted him - with all the supposed parts of each other))
Why did you actually begin to doubt:
Firstly, jealousy arose. Even though this girl is a teenager, you still perceive her as a competitor. Accept this in yourself - it is normal that you feel jealous of his daughter. This is natural, it is inherent in us by nature. But this feeling is under your control. The less you learn about it, the fewer thoughts you will have about it. Where she went, why and why - concerns only her parents, who took responsibility for her. Don't waste your precious time on these thoughts. On this day, treat yourself to a trip to your loved ones and friends. You will have a joint day off from each other, just a day off. Relationships are work, painstaking work between two people. Therefore, a weekend is never a bad idea, within reason!
Secondly, he said that he loves his daughter more than you. This is really unpleasant and offensive. I feel this as humiliation of my loved one. Love has no scales. Love has levels of intimacy. In psychology there is such a thing as “circles of intimacy” where a person is in the center; the second circle must be occupied by a loved one, and only the third children and already the fourth fifth - parents, work, friends. Your spouse's circle of intimacy seems to be a little broken. And this can also be solved, and again by you)
I recommend that you sit down at the negotiating table and talk calmly, without manipulations from the “Either me or her” series. Explain what you need to receive from him and what you are ready to give him, and ask that very cherished question: “Are you ready to become the father of MY child?”
Based on the man's answer, you can make a final decision.
The solutions are ALREADY INCLUDED in your letter. If he answers no or drops the topic again, here’s what you’ll most likely want to tell him (corrected just a little):
“I love you, but somehow I’m not ready to build anything further with you. I don’t want my child to suffer due to lack of attention, and I myself don’t want to suffer all my life. I live a deferred life, I dream of a happy family and children, of trips to the dacha together. My years are passing, I don’t want to lose them. Let's decide together what to do."
Love does overcome everything, you are right, but not unilaterally. This is why you need to get together and talk. You shouldn’t think for your partner: his parents think... he never said it himself... Until you clearly hear the answer to your question, don’t think. Always ask. Get yourself this healthy habit. Always when we come up with ideas, we fall either into the state of a victim (I’m unhappy, they don’t understand me and don’t hear me), or a tyrant (he will pay for not understanding me and not hearing me). This is not healthy behavior. Let's strive for healthy things!))
If you need my help, I will be glad to invite you to an online consultation. Contacts are in the profile.
Happiness to you and pleasant negotiations with your partner!
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Husband loves daughter more
You've been planning your pregnancy for so long. Then we spent 9 months waiting for a small miracle. But when a little girl is born, it increasingly seems to you that your husband pays more attention to her than to you - he pampers and cuddles you. And you were left out of work. Has he really stopped loving his soul mate?
And from time to time a crazy thought slips into my head - if he loves the child, and not me, then is it worth living together? What if I take my daughter myself and leave before my husband does something like this first?
This is a very dangerous trend, as the family loses trust in each other, and both parents begin to compete with each other, hoping to win the love of their daughter to their side. The baby feels it too, and because of the parents’ hatred of each other, she may even develop health problems.
Stepmother's jealousy of stepdaughter
When you married a man who was raising his daughter himself, you thought that you would quickly be able to establish contact with the girl. But when they started living together, it soon turned out that you couldn’t come to terms with the fact that your husband paid more attention to his daughter than to you. And it is excruciatingly painful for you to experience such an attitude.
You are not aware that you are driven by banal jealousy. Apparently, you are not confident in the strength of the marriage union with this person, and you perceive his daughter not as a child, but as a rival capable of stealing your husband away from you. That’s why conflicts arise with your stepdaughter, because you, like two females, are trying to divide one male.
