Pain is an indicator of your growth
One thing needs to be understood is that when a person receives a painful blow, then along with it he also receives a corresponding experience. However, don't stop there. Each of us should always remember the important lessons we learn.
You just need to make every effort and effort to remove from your life everything bad that is in it. If there were no troubles, it might not have been possible to achieve success. There is no need to give up if something goes wrong. Just believe in yourself and your strength.
Why doesn't life work out?
Reader question:
Hello! My question is perhaps trivial - why does everything in life not work out well, but somehow hard and sad? I am 30 years old, I have been suffering from clinical depression and social phobia for almost 12 years - medications do not help, my doctor himself admits that he no longer knows what to do with me, and there is no money to go to the capital for treatment (I live in a small town).
I haven’t had a normal job for many years now, because I don’t have enough strength (due to depression) and it’s hard to communicate with people (for the 2nd reason). Previously, there were at least part-time jobs at home, but now I don’t have the energy for them either, it’s hard to only have enough for basic household chores.
I live in a civil marriage, my husband’s salary is small plus loans - we save on everything, we only have enough money for food and utilities, we have to scrape together for the rest. The person I once loved left me, and the one I like now doesn’t need me and is not interested in me.
My loved ones consider my illness a weakness and say “I just need to pull myself together.” For the same reason, my father bullied me for many years, then he began to beat me and almost killed me (now we don’t communicate with him).
Every day I struggle with the desire to commit suicide because I don’t see the point in anything. What saves me is that I try to pray and sometimes go to services, although it is morally difficult for me to be among people. For the same reason, I can’t come up and talk to the priest. I would like to see some kind of light at the end of the tunnel, otherwise now I can’t understand why I live: I’m facing disability, I’m unlikely to dare to give birth to children, and I may have to take medicine for the rest of my life. Why does God need a useless person like me, why do I live? — I constantly ask myself this question.
Olga
Archpriest Andrei Efanov answers:
Dear Olenka! I hug you fatherly and want to support you with all my heart! It was and is very difficult for you in life, very difficult, hard, because I don’t know what could be harder than dislike and loss of meaning. Let's maybe try to talk together about what's happening to you and what you can change: at least try. And what have you already accomplished?
First, God loves every person. Everyone, everyone, and you! And he needs you simply insofar as you exist. Because when you love, your loved one does not need to prove anything, to prove that he is worthy of love - he is already loved simply by the fact of his existence. It is very difficult to imagine and understand when the family did not experience such love from parents, but maybe your mother or grandmother loved you and took very good care of you? Even if not always, can you perhaps remember some cases? Or you loved someone - you understand how it is. It is a great gift to be able to love. Woe to those who do not know this and cannot do it. Believe me. And I think you know how to love. And thank God! You have this experience inside you, and you can translate it into life. And for starters - in relation to myself. Start right today. How can I do that? First, at least in the most ordinary household things. You are smart for already seeing a doctor and starting treatment! I think that we shouldn’t limit ourselves to pills, but also engage in psychotherapy. There is, for example, the crisis center of Mikhail Khasminsky, go there. They also work via Skype and there are free options. Because you need to restore internal balance and balance, and this is the area of psychotherapy.
Next - you need to set yourself a small task to get back on your feet - that is, to be as independent in life as possible: organize your life to a minimum, eat well (if possible, cook simple dishes that you can afford, but, for example, replace harmful products for healthy fruits and vegetables. Let it be a small portion of fruits and vegetables for a week, but fruits and vegetables, and not some harmful things. Is the principle clear?), you need to walk a lot. Dress warmly - and go to the park, around the city, along the river... Get yourself a watch and walk, for example, an hour and a half, but don’t sit at home! Your task is to make your active life normal and regular.
You don't necessarily need to communicate with family members who don't understand you. Congratulate them politely and briefly on holidays, respond to messages and that’s it. There is no need to talk to them about your life, just close this topic for them: this way you will save energy. But look, maybe online, to see if there are any events in your city that are interesting to you, for example, hobby groups, some classes at the temple... something like that. And try to go there. There is no need to talk to anyone there! Just do what interests you in class. Or look for communication on the Internet based on your interests. This way you will have the experience of not traumatic, but calm communication with people. You will see that there is a group of people, albeit a small one, with whom it is safe to communicate, because 1. you have common interests, 2. they do not pose a danger to you, 3. they do not interfere with your personal space and you can set boundaries yourself communication, for example, you talk about your hobbies, but don’t talk about family and work. Do you understand?
Further, with part-time jobs, of course, things are bad. And I really understand that it’s difficult to find them when you don’t have the strength, and in a big city too. But when you feel the strength, try to find some small income, even from time to time or from time to time. If you manage to get a job - very good! Just, again, keep an eye on communication hygiene and decide for yourself which topics you are personally ready to talk about with your colleagues and which ones you are not. And let them respect your choice. Here you need to show independence and firmness and clearly indicate: This is how you communicate, and no other way. This may be unusual at first, but therefore you will see that you have made your life much easier. And, in general, it’s normal to talk about work at work.
You are doing the right thing by seeking God’s help! Who else should we look for it from, if not from the Heavenly Father? But just keep in mind that the Sacraments are performed through a priest. Therefore, ask him to talk to you, for example after the service or when he has time, and state your problem either briefly orally or in writing. God willing, we will be able to make some progress here too. Just remember that first of all you need it! Start from this. Pray to God and the Mother of God for help and act.
One more point - what is a civil marriage? Registered in the registry office or just cohabitation? As a priest, I cannot help but say that cohabitation is not what a person needs; the relationship must either be terminated or registered normally and married at the registry office. But still, everything is not so bad if there is a person who cares about you and shares life and everyday life with you, loves you. Since you have a family with him, you don’t need to look in the direction of someone else. That's it, you have made a choice, here is your husband and you need to build a home life and relationship with him, because you have a common life, a common home. You know, it’s like heating: you heat and heat the house, then you open the door - and that’s it, the warmth has disappeared and it becomes uncomfortable and cold. It’s the same with you: you live with one, but look towards the other - it’s like opening a window and letting the heat out of the house. For what? Keep an eye on your home! And you will have more strength inside.
And I would advise against taking loans at all. Live on what you have, or earn more with your husband, but don’t live in debt! It’s okay there, if you need emergency treatment or the roof is leaking and you need to do something... But then, lead your life within the financial limits that exist. This way you will be more economically and morally stable, too, because when there are several loan payments every month, this is also exhausting and morally too and does not add strength.
In general, go forward with the strength you have, even tiny ones. The further you go, the more strength you will have, because you will see how you can do different things and change your life a little. Just move forward! If you fail, go ahead anyway. And then look back and see how far we have come.
Find what makes you happy and reward yourself for taking the next step. Just look not for harmful joys, but for some good ones that you can afford or free, even if they are “childish” (paint for an hour with paints, for example, something like that).
God bless you!
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On the screensaver: Andrea Gallivanoni
Vicious circle
When you forget about everything in the world, just to find the desired life partner, you disrupt the natural course of events, introduce some kind of rush into your life, and begin to enter into one relationship or another.
Here it is important to stop and think, stop feeling sorry for yourself and start loving yourself. Calm down and understand that in order to build harmonious relationships you need to work on their quality. If you are not ready for this, get a better career, organize a trip, take a break, try to realize yourself in some area.
Reasons for unsuccessful personal lives in women and how to deal with them
To the above reasons for the unsuccessful personal life of women, one should add the expectation of a rich groom. This misconception leads to the fact that the level of expectations from relationships very soon brings deep disappointments. If you want to create a strong relationship, you need to take into account that both partners will contribute to the material component. And then there will be no unnecessary expectations and resentment.
A woman may also experience fear of psychological and physical intimacy. A woman is not able to open her soul to a man. For her, time is important in order to become closer spiritually, overcome fear and gain trust in the chosen one.
All problems of relations between the sexes are solvable and painless if there is a high feeling of love between them: it both educates and neutralizes fears and doubts, and finally, it brings long-awaited happiness and harmony.
Why is this phenomenon dangerous?
In addition to the fact that 10–30 or even more years are spent anticipating the future, rather than enjoying the present, there is a risk of “neurosis of deferred life” - a concept also introduced by Serkin.
In this case, the person is not only constantly waiting, but also does not solve important, pressing problems. Or sacrifices something, leaving things for later. He wants something, he can do it, but he doesn’t do it because the decisive moment has not yet arrived.
A person misses opportunities, does not grab chances and accumulates problems.
“I won’t re-glue the peeling wallpaper, we’ll move someday anyway.” “When I find another job, I’ll start spending more time on myself.” “The child will graduate from school, and then I will return to my hobbies and even learn new skills.” “I’ll get this set when there’s a special occasion.” That is, I will do everything, but only when I start to truly live.
It is important that, in contrast to temporary abstinence from any things for the benefit of a higher goal, the neurosis of deferred life involves years or decades of a passive attitude towards emerging problems and infringement of oneself in something until the defining moment. Instead of taking active steps to improve circumstances today.
What is a deferred life scenario?
The concept of “delayed life scenario” was introduced by “Socio-psychological reasons for the migration of the population of the North-East of Russia”, V.P. Serkin, Doctor of Psychological Sciences and Professor Vladimir Serkin. Initially - to describe the peculiarities of thinking of the majority of people living in the Russian Far East.
The fact is that the phenomenon of the “northern scenario” has spread in this region and even began to be perceived as something completely natural. People created comfortable conditions and prepared for the life that would come later, when they fulfilled the “northern dream” - they moved to an area with a mild climate, bought an apartment, a dacha or a car, and so on.
The professor says that a similar phenomenon was previously described by Rudyard Kipling. Serkin called this a “colonial scenario,” and here everything is exactly the same as in the case of the northerners. Many Englishmen, during their decades in India, believed that “real” life would only begin when they returned to England. That is, the whole 20-30 years were, as it were, “unreal”, anticipating.
These are just a couple of options, because the “delayed life scenario” is a broader concept. And this phenomenon is not limited to any specific territory or a particular period of history.
According to the “delayed life scenario,” a person spends a long period of time—up to decades—preparing for some significant event or waiting for a goal to be achieved, after which, as he is sure, a “real” and happy life should begin.
That is, he simply exists in anticipation. “I’ll get married and immediately become happy” or “I’ll buy my own apartment and how I’ll live!” - a person designates for himself the moment until which he will not live to his full potential, but then...
And then, when an apartment appears, he will understand that it is too early to relax: after all, he needs to make repairs and pay off the mortgage! So “real” life and happiness will have to wait again. And perhaps they never will.
