Why does a woman leave her family: what is the reason for the discord, is it possible to restore the relationship and return her beloved spouse

What happens to a man after a divorce?

I read the following story on one of the forums. Oleg divorced Irina after seven years of marriage. I became depressed, but soon met another girl and felt better. Irina found out about this and wanted to return him. Oleg did not give in at first, but the woman cried and said that she still loved him. As a result, the man believed her and broke up with his new passion.

At first everything was perfect in the revived family. The couple took care of each other, walked hand in hand and seemed happy. Only three months later, Irina left for someone else. Oleg fell into a depression worse than before. I tried to pour alcohol on her - it became harder. I tried to play sports and quit after a week. And for some reason, attempts to start a new relationship failed over and over again.

A year later, Oleg still thinks about Irina. Checks social media and gets angry seeing her photo with someone else. Oleg feels sick and bitter, but he doesn’t tell his friends and family about it. Men shouldn't whine and complain. So he doesn't whine. But he can’t get his ex-wife out of his head. And it’s unclear what to do about it.

In the world, about 15% of divorces are by mutual consent, all the rest are on the initiative of one of the spouses. In most cases, someone is abandoned. This is stressful and a huge blow to self-esteem. After all, if they left you, it means something is wrong with you. It means you're not good enough.

Due to their psychological makeup, it is more difficult for men to survive a divorce, and the process of emotional recovery lasts longer for them. Both the expectations of society and the characteristics of upbringing contribute to this. So it turns out that on the one hand there is mental pain and fallen self-esteem, and on the other hand there is a merciless society to which it is not customary to show these feelings.

In order not to seem like a wimp, a man suppresses emotions and tries to behave as usual. Defensive reactions are activated, which vary depending on the character. This could be alcohol, superficial relationships, or anger at your ex-wife, blaming her for all mortal sins.

Oleg’s defensive reaction was a new relationship. But they didn’t pass the test of strength. Why did the man leave his girlfriend? Because previous relationships remained unresolved. Oleg did not get over the separation from his wife, suppressed his emotions and ran away from them to a new connection. But unlived emotions do not go away. They go into the subconscious and influence our future lives.

A man pushes his feelings into the recesses of his soul and pretends that everything is in order. And then she doesn’t understand why she can’t forget her ex. In fact, he was simply stuck in one of the psychological stages of separation.

Let's figure out what these stages are.

be careful

Women are very contradictory - on the one hand, they want tenderness, understanding and romance, on the other hand, they dream of a strong man with sternly compressed lips and steel jaws. I understand how your mind doubles when you hear this. I'll try to explain. What we call romance and tenderness actually means that we expect you to be attentive.

Read also - How to express your love without words?

Not just attention - but attentiveness. This means remembering what flowers we love, what type of tea or coffee we prefer, that we adore dark chocolate with ginger from Barry Calebaut, and not the first one we come across from the store shelf, that the name of our dog is Max and that we are discussed the day before, is extremely important. There is no need for us to flap our wings and check every minute whether we are cold while walking in the park in winter. Better breathe on our palms, pull your big gloves on our hands and take us to a coffee shop to warm ourselves up with tea.

Stages of divorce

There is a classic concept of five stages of accepting the inevitable. These include denial, anger, bargaining, depression and actual acceptance. People go through them even after a breakup. But in reality, the process of going through a divorce is more complicated. Bruce Fisher, in collaboration with Robert Alberti, describes him in the book “Love. Reboot".

From the point of view of the authors of the book, a person goes through 19 stages of separation. These are a kind of blocks that form a mountain. At the top, freedom awaits man. But to achieve it, you need to work through all the stages and not get stuck anywhere.

Let me briefly describe these blocks.

Negation. “This is not true,” “this is temporary,” “she will come back” are the first thoughts that arise after breaking up.
Fear. A person is afraid of loneliness and the fact that no one else will love him.
Adaptation. When our need for love and care is not met, we try to adapt. After a divorce, this can lead to an immediate search for a new relationship - an attempt to replace one person with another.
Loneliness. Divorce is followed by a complete change in life with all habits, environment and daily routine. Everything the couple used to do together has disappeared. There is such a powerful loneliness that has never existed before.
Friendship. Some friends will disappear because they will prefer to communicate with only one of their ex-spouses. Others will provide support and become closer.
Guilt/rejection. The initiator of the divorce is tormented by feelings of guilt. The abandoned person struggles with feelings of rejection.
Grief. A person is overwhelmed by despair, powerlessness and depression. This is a difficult stage where many get stuck. Our hero Oleg is stuck between grief and anger.
Anger. Resentment and grief develop into anger directed towards the ex-wife. Rejection begins. Previously, you perceived yourself and your wife as a single whole, but now you are breaking away from her.
Letting go. At this stage, it is important to stop wasting energy on dead relationships. Now is the time to get rid of your ex's things if you haven't already.
Self-esteem. The person gradually stops self-flagellation and remembers that “actually, I’m not that bad.”
Transition. This is a period of transformation. You begin to see the negative attitudes that you followed while living with your ex-wife. There is a desire to change them and engage in self-development.
Openness. Taking off masks and accepting your condition. “I don’t have to pretend that everything is fine with me.”
Love. After a divorce, a person feels that he is unworthy of love. Now this destructive belief is being overcome.
Confidence. The stage of restoring trust in the opposite sex. It takes time and sometimes the help of a psychologist.
Connections Searching for a new partner. It is advisable not to do this right away, so as not to project old relationships onto new ones.
Sexuality. In marriage, a sexual partner was available. Now he's gone, but the need for sex remains. To satisfy her, you need to get acquainted again and go on dates. If you are afraid of such changes, it’s time to deal with it.
Privacy. A person learns to be holistic alone with himself and begins to invest in his development.
Target. The feeling of “it’s over” is a thing of the past. This is a time for setting new goals and planning for the future.
Freedom. Peak. If all previous blocks have been worked through, a feeling of complete freedom from the past sets in. You are ready to let him go and make the new relationship more meaningful than the previous one.

The listed stages do not necessarily occur in the suggested order. You can work on several blocks at the same time. Keep a journal to write down the feelings and thoughts you are going through. All emotions must be realized, identified and lived - this is the only way you will completely get rid of them.

Next, I will tell you what methods will help you get through the period of separation.

Be a “locomotive”

Such a sweet girlish expression means that we expect a man to always be ahead of us on all fronts. We like it when a man understands Forex strategies, the principles of a jet engine, and also knows eight languages versus our three. What is important to us is the beacon, the pointer, the level that a man sets for us and to which we need to grow and develop. This does not mean that we will eagerly begin to study the dynamics of currency exchange rate fluctuations on the stock exchange, but the realization that our man has high intelligence pushes us to self-development in his field. Remember, men, you must always be one step ahead of a woman in everything! It should be behind your shoulder, behind the man’s shoulder, behind the husband. And only this will make her happy - the understanding that you will always show the way and on this path you will cover her with yourself, protect her.

Ways to help you forget your ex-wife

It is impossible to simply stop loving a person - it will take time. But you will help yourself if you think less about the past. According to the advice of psychologists, you need to reduce provoking factors and fill your free time.

Remove all reminders of her

The brain loves to build associative connections. Objects, places and even smells easily remind us of the person we associate them with. Do you want to forget your ex-wife? Get rid of what brings her image to mind:

if you still have her things, collect them in a box and give them to her;
Avoid visiting your first dates and family vacation spots for a while;
delete her contacts on your phone and social networks;
erase her photos.

A woman can try to remind herself, especially when she realizes that she is being forgotten. This is a common sense of ownership and selfishness. Remember what happened to Oleg? His ex-wife brought him back, but then left him anyway. Don’t repeat his mistake and don’t fall for provocations - don’t answer calls or messages in instant messengers.

Get rid of guilt

Since society places more demands on men, it is difficult for them to get rid of the guilt they feel after a breakup. But there are two sides to a marriage, not just one. Both bear responsibility.

Yes, you hurt your ex-wife. And she hurt you. This is the essence of human relationships. There is no need to carry this burden alone and engage in self-flagellation. Even if you were wrong, you can't fix it. But there is a lesson to be learned.

People have a great quality. And it lies in the ability to learn from your mistakes.

Take care of your career

Immerse yourself in your work. Ask your superiors to give you more assignments, start developing professional skills. Set a goal to climb the career ladder. Transforming the energy of anger and disappointment into the work process will help you not think about your ex-wife. A promotion and salary increase will be a pleasant bonus.

Join a gym

When we are in a state of love, the brain produces hormones of happiness and joy - serotonin, endorphin, oxytocin. Depression causes a drop in the level of these substances in the body. Sport will help fix this.

Buy a gym membership and work out your body. Exercise relieves stress and triggers the release of endorphins - you will feel more energetic. And at the same time you will raise your self-esteem, because your body will become beautiful and fit.

Find yourself a hobby

Now you have more free time. Why not spend it usefully?

Have you always wanted to learn English? Sign up for courses. Do you love fishing, but you couldn’t devote more time to it because of your wife? I have good news - there are no more restrictions! There is an opportunity to do things that you like. Take this chance.

Spend more time with friends and loved ones

Remember that you are not alone. You have friends and family who value you and care about you. Spend more time with them. Go out of town together, or to a billiards club, or just visit your parents' house and pay attention to your family.

It is advisable that others do not remind you of your ex-spouse. Ask about this in advance.

Go on a trip

A great way to reboot is to pack your suitcase and go on a trip. If there is a country or city that you have long wanted to visit, now is the time to do it. Fulfilling a small dream will add positive emotions.

New people, places and experiences will give the brain information to process, and it will not have time for unnecessary thoughts.

Exercises from psychologists

If you feel completely nauseous and can’t get distracted, try the following exercises.

Working with a diary. We need it to identify our true feelings and live them. When keeping a journal, start sentences with the words “I feel”:

“I feel terribly lonely”;
“I feel very angry towards her”;
"I feel a little lighter today."

Track your movement through the stages of separation and do not suppress the emotions that arise - write them down. The diary will clearly show you that time really heals.

Letter to an ex. A useful exercise that allows you to get rid of everything unspoken. Take a piece of paper and write a letter to your ex-wife. Be as clear as possible. Express everything you feel, why you broke up, what didn’t suit you and what you regret. Then burn it or tear it up.

After a while, write another letter - with thanks. Remember all the good things that you want to say “thank you” to her for. It may take more than one month to mature for such a message. But it will help you finally free yourself from the past and close the old page of life.

List method. Divide a sheet of paper into two columns. In one, list the disadvantages, and in the other, the advantages of separation. For example:

advantages - a lot of free time, no scandals, the opportunity to spend more money on your hobbies;
cons - boredom, lack of sex, division of property.

Work on the list every day. Gradually, you will notice that there are many more advantages, and the longing for your ex-wife visits you less and less.

Don't waste your energy on other women

In the literal sense - there is no point in hanging around other people's aunts! The most shameful thing a man can do is run between two women, carefully hiding the presence of a mistress from his wife and fluffing the tail of a free peacock in front of his mistress, whose head cannot be cut off by a sword. Men, you have no idea how much you are harming yourself and your masculine energy by giving your seed to two women at the same time! And you are not even justified by the fact that you love both of them and cannot choose between them (this is weakness), or you love one, but “only for the sake of the children” on the other. If there has been a collapse in your family life for a long time, have the courage to admit it to yourself and start looking for a new woman only when everything has already been completed with the previous one.

Mistakes to Avoid

Let's remember Oleg again. Try to re-read his story right now and highlight the mistakes he made. Which one did you pay attention to first?

Right. Return to ex-wife. Why didn't his new relationship stop him from taking this step? Because the past remained unclosed, unlived. How would events have developed if he had stayed with that girl?

When a person enters into a new relationship too quickly, it often ends up “ricocheting.” Old feelings and attachments have not yet been released, old pains have not been lived through, and lessons have not been learned. And with all this burden we go into new connections. And we project them onto the new partner. And then we suffer even more and make another person suffer.

Authors of the book “Love. Reboot” suggests that people most often turn to a psychologist for help not after the first breakup, but after the breakup of a secondary “rebound” relationship.

If you feel that attachment and resentment towards your ex-spouse is still strong, do not use other women as a substitute. First, calm your emotions and put your inner state in order.

What else you should not do after a breakup:

follow your ex-wife on social networks;
humiliate himself in front of her and try to win her back;
seek “salvation” in alcohol.

This will only make things worse. And then, you have self-esteem, don't you?

Girls of different zodiac signs

When thinking about how to keep your beloved, you need to take into account the characteristics of her constellation.

The Aries woman is an independent person, she is ready to take responsibility. Such a girl is emotional and very impulsive. Therefore, when communicating with her you need to be careful and attentive. The man will like the task the first time. To keep such a young lady, you need to prove to her your strength, point out that you are a strong-willed man, and are not afraid of obstacles on the path of life. It is important to prove that you are worthy of her attention. Be romantic and give her flowers.
The Taurus girl is considered the keeper of the family hearth. However, a man is obliged to win her love. It must be borne in mind that such women are stubborn and very emotional. A self-sufficient, independent, successful man has the best chance. Keep in mind that Taurus values generosity and loyalty in relationships with a partner. There is no need to skimp on compliments and gifts. Don't give Taurus a reason to be jealous.
A Gemini girl is extremely rarely deprived of the attention of men. Be prepared for the fact that you have a lot of competitors. Show your resourcefulness, point out that you are a true intellectual. Attempts to stand out through rash actions or non-standard clothing will not be appreciated by Gemini. Such a woman appreciates care; it is important for her that a man is interested in the events of her life.
The Cancer girl is a delicate nature. It is literally created for a family, a home. Such a young lady is gentle in relationships. She is looking for an independent, strong man who is capable of being a best friend. You will be able to keep her if she feels that you will be able to protect her and support her.
The Leo girl is very demanding of her partner. Shower such a woman with compliments, praise her for literally everything, give flowers and gifts.
The Virgo girl is calm, at the same time vulnerable, she has a devoted nature. For the most part, they are monogamous. Such a woman will only marry a man who has been tested by the test of time. If you want to keep her close to you, make her believe that you are ready to provide attention, care, and stability. For Virgo, it is not appearance and money that are important, but confidence and reliability.
The Libra girl can be spoiled and picky. To keep her, don't stop admiring her image. Give her gifts, learn to present yourself favorably in front of society.
Scorpio girl is looking for a strong man. She will be supported by a partner who will be able to take responsibility for solving problems and will be ready for her whims. You need to know that such a woman will expect certain actions from her partner.
The Sagittarius girl is a dreamer. She is looking for a man who is financially independent and strong. To keep her, you need to prove that a worthy man is nearby.
The Capricorn girl is quite independent and self-sufficient. To keep her, you need to prove that she will be worse off without you. Point out your opinions, positive qualities, and state your achievements.
The Aquarius girl is a fickle person. One day she is interested in some things, the next day she is interested in others. You can keep such a woman if you are able to unravel her true needs and dreams. Don't forget about positive emotions and gifts, don't be rude.
The Pisces girl is a dreamy, very trusting person. She gives more in relationships than she takes in return. Give your beloved gifts, flowers, and don’t forget to give compliments.

What to do if you have children

When you have children, it is impossible to break ties with your ex-wife. It will be more difficult to forget her. What to do in this case?

Your task is to reduce meetings to a minimum. Try to spend time with your children without her involvement. If you have planned to spend the day with your child, agree with your ex-spouse that you will immediately pick him up from school or kindergarten. Invite your children over for an overnight stay. When returning the child to the mother, do not linger at her home.

The article is nearing completion. Finally, I suggest you watch a short video.

Take care of yourself

You don’t need to become a metrosexual, but if you want to please a woman, watch yourself. First of all, this concerns smells. There are men for whom even strong antiperspirant does not help, but we are very good at distinguishing men by smell and can easily figure out when you last took a shower. Let's reveal a secret: some women really like it when a man smells natural. Emphasis on “natural”, not “smells”! Many men do not pay attention to their clothes - and this is very discouraging. Nobody requires you to maniacally follow the commandments of fashion. When we talk about clothes, we primarily mean your individual style and neatness. It’s not comme il faut for a guy approaching 40 to embroider in tight jeans and an “alcoholic” T-shirt, but we’ll forgive that too if you look like a kid at 40, but we won’t forgive last week’s washing of these jeans, complete with the smell of sweat, fumes, tobacco and garlic

Forget the mind games

Some men understand Pushkin’s famous postulate “the less we love a woman, the more she likes us” in the literal sense, and in order to stir up interest in themselves, they begin games of feigned indifference, “disappearances” and verbal sparring. Forget about all these pick-up devices, honestly, it’s funny and stupid to practice them when you’re over 18. Recently, one friend told me with confusion: she met a guy, both adults, 30 years old, both single, both interested in each other. And so, instead of inviting her on a normal date, the young man writes her text messages at night with text like “I will call you when you are ripe,” thinking that this will add interest to him in the girl’s eyes. But she just shrugs and doesn’t understand why at their age they should pretend to be schoolchildren. It happens when you men, in response to some kind of interpersonal gratification, proudly announce: “I’m giving you time.” And take a break. You might think! Remember, such a maneuver is a purely female prerogative, and only until a certain age and at a certain stage of the relationship. An adult, intelligent, accomplished woman cannot be held back with such inflated “pride”.

No pickup

Since we're talking about pickup techniques, let's expand on this topic a little. Let’s not talk about the true apologists of the pick-up artist movement; in this case, there is no talk of a serious relationship, all these things are purely one’s own complexes, and here the help of a psychologist is required. Unfortunately, many men, having heard enough advice from friends like “no sex - no chairs,” build a conversation with a woman according to the principle “I’ll buy you candy if you do it nice, baby.” Men, remember! Nothing kills your masculine energy more when you are on your first dates, at the stage of recognition, getting in touch, looking at each other, bargaining, trying to pay 50:50 in a restaurant, walking glassy-eyed past flower stalls or giving her an online postcard on March 8th! Believe me, there are not so many girls who strive to empty your wallet to the maximum and demand Canaries and diamonds from the first dates! And such ladies hunt so obviously that it is impossible to confuse the style.

Allow a woman to harmoniously combine mission and hobby

In the formula 40:30:25:5, women have completely different arithmetic. 40 is a man, 30 is children, 25 is a hobby and 5 is the rest. Speaking about the mission, of course, first of all we are talking about the family, about the realization of a woman, as intended by nature, but stones will definitely fly at me if I do not show the following: unlike men, a woman’s formula is quite flexible and can change. Modern women are sensitive to their role in society and often categorically reject the postulate “a woman’s place in the family.” This is precisely the task of a man - to make sure that a woman, without harm to herself, her man and her children, can do what she loves without working hard from 9.00 to 18.00, and invests her income in the family budget exclusively in the line “My and children's “wants”. No, but what did you want? If you were born a man, get behind the wheel!