How to get out of a codependent relationship? Step-by-step action plan

A large number of requests come in on the topic of codependent relationships.
And I decided to write this article to answer the most frequently asked questions: - How can I tell if I am in a codependent relationship? — How to avoid getting into a codependent relationship? — How to get out of a codependent relationship? — What to do if the relationship breaks down, but the addiction remains? At the end of the article, you will also find 9 working steps, the use of which will help you get out of the current situation of codependency or prevent similar relationships in the future.

What are codependent relationships and codependency?

Many psychologists, when talking about codependency, have in mind its narrow concept. When codependency is a state of dependence in which family members with an addicted person (alcoholic, drug addict, gambling addict, etc.) find themselves. When they are highly dependent on his behavior.

But there is a broader definition of codependency, when it means any dependence of one person on a significant other.

And codependent relationships are relationships that codependent partners build. When they both focus more not on themselves, not on what is happening inside them: what they themselves want, what they feel and what they need. And they focus on their partner - what he does or doesn’t do, where he is and how he is, what he wants or doesn’t want, how he will behave this time and whether he will finally change or not.

Codependency often originates in the family in which a person grew up. Those who acquired codependent traits and behavior patterns were most likely raised in a codependent family, i.e. in a family with broken relationships.

Codependent relationships are relationships in which the personal boundaries of the participants in these relationships are systematically violated.

Why is codependency dangerous?

There are two main negative consequences:

1. A person begins to live someone else’s life, as the entire focus of attention shifts to another.

At the same time, one’s life often finds itself in desolation. There are no favorite activities, no business, pleasant hobbies, interesting meetings, events, etc.

The whole meaning of life is shifted to another, a strong devaluation of oneself and one’s life occurs. His life is abandoned, a person stops taking care of himself (appearance, health), and takes an interest in himself.

2. Disappointment in yourself, in people, in relationships. Yes, there are unrequited feelings and there are even dishonest people in the world, but there are also happy relationships and people you can trust.

They say you are lucky in love one time out of ten. Yes, indeed, finding your person is not easy, but, nevertheless, it is possible.

Signs of a codependent relationship

You're not happy with the relationship, but you're not leaving it and you're not doing anything to truly change it. If you do something for this, then only those actions that ultimately turn out to be ineffective.
You are not satisfied with your partner the way he is. You want and hope that he will change.
You yourself greatly adapt to your partner and your relationship. In these relationships, you are not yourself, you are not sincere with your partner, as if you are “wearing a mask”, playing some kind of learned role.
Such relationships are built on a “swing”: they are either very good or monstrously bad. You either want to be together with your man, or you want to separate and never see him again. You either agree with him or diverge. Either you love your partner and “can’t live without him,” then you hate him or stop having feelings for him. Because of such “swings,” relationships look unstable. You can see an example of such instability in the film “Swing” (2008).
You feel that you and your partner have a “special connection”, you seem to be an extension of each other, you are like two “halves”, but at the same time there is no true closeness between you.
In your couple, the responsibilities and boundaries between you are confused - it is not clear where the personal space of each of you is, it is not clear who is responsible for what, and who is responsible for what. You violate your partner's boundaries, and he violates yours. You take responsibility for your partner's actions and behavior, or your partner takes responsibility for you.

Codependency in relationships - destruction of one's own personality

A codependent puts his partner's interests above his own. Essentially, he sacrifices his own well-being for the sake of another. This negatively affects the quality of life, self-esteem, and level of satisfaction with one’s achievements. Codependency in a relationship is a two-way relationship in which there are no happy people. These can be different types of couples: lovers, father and daughter, mother and son, brothers and sisters. What they all have in common is that the codependent is consumed by the dependent.

The state of codependency is accompanied by a whole set of negative emotions:

Self-deception. Contrary to the evidence, a person believes that his partner will change and become better.
Anger. The codependent is angry at the dependent, himself, others and circumstances.
Pointless self-sacrifice. A person is so busy with his partner that he ignores personal needs, does not pay attention to the quality of his life and does not attach much importance to it.
Intimate problems. Due to depressed mood and constant stress, libido decreases.
Depression. It is difficult for a person to enjoy life; he may think about the meaninglessness of life and suicide. Often, he consoles himself with the thought that his mission is to save the addict.
Psychosomatic diseases. Depression is often accompanied by illness.

Codependent people have no less problems than those they “rescue.” These are emotional individuals, capable of understanding and empathy, and their addiction most often comes from childhood. Usually the reasons for such painful attachment are hidden in the peculiarities of interaction between members of the parental family.

Basic rules in codependent families

Every family has some rules. Some of them can be spoken out, but some of these rules are hidden. That is, everyone follows them, but no one speaks openly about these rules.

In codependent families, family members usually live by such strict rules as:

“Don’t be yourself”, “don’t be separate” (be like us, don’t be different, don’t be real).
“Don’t feel” (do not experience or express any feelings other than guilt, shame and fear).
“Don’t trust” (don’t trust, control, don’t open up).
“Don’t talk” (don’t tell others about what is happening in our family).

Causes of codependent relationships:

Lack of unconditional love from parents in childhood, the child chronically did not have important needs met. Which he then tries to satisfy in his adult relationship with that partner who, just like his parents, turns out to be unable to give this.
Developmental trauma is psychological trauma in early childhood, due to which a person was unable to complete the stages of forming an attachment with his mother and subsequent separation from her.
Psychological, physical or sexual abuse in childhood. In the family where a person grew up, his personal boundaries were regularly violated.
Triangulation - when the child’s parents systematically involved him in the conflicts that occurred in their couple.
A person grew up in a family where someone was either highly addicted (to alcohol, drugs, gambling), or a psychopath, or mentally ill.
Relationships with a toxic partner as an adult – e.g. with a chemically dependent person (alcoholic, drug addict), with a psychopath, a pick-up artist, with a sexaholic, manipulator or pathological narcissist.

Important information about codependent relationships. What motivates people to find themselves in them again and again?

When a child grows up in a family where events constantly occur that cause a lot of painful, difficult feelings in him. For example, repeated domestic violence, dad gets drunk regularly, parents constantly argue, etc.

Then he needs to somehow adapt to the difficult environment in which he grows up in order to survive. And as such an adaptation, he learns not to feel anything, i.e. suppress your feelings and experiences, using various psychological defenses.

As a result of such suppression of feelings, a person, when he becomes an adult, cannot rely on his feelings. Because of this, he cannot understand whether what is happening in his relationship is normal or not. Is such a relationship suitable for him or not?

And as a result, he spends years in a toxic environment and toxic relationships without even realizing it. Since childhood, he has been accustomed to suppressing his feelings. And when he grew up, he continued to do this in his codependent relationships.

When he experiences discomfort and painful feelings that signal to him that something needs to be changed in the relationship. He tries to suppress them, somehow get rid of these feelings, drown them out. Instead of changing your relationship by solving the problem that caused these feelings. Or instead of breaking up with your partner.

When we grow up in a family with codependent, unhealthy relationships, we develop different ways of adapting to this environment where we find ourselves. Which help us survive.

But unfortunately, this leads to such consequences that, due to these same protective methods of adaptation, we begin not to notice reality, not to notice toxicity. And what helped us survive in childhood leads us, as adults, to repeat those painful stories that happened in our family in childhood.

For example, to cope with situations of repeated violence, a girl explains to herself that nothing bad is being done to her. This protects her from pain and helps her survive in an environment that she cannot change.

But when she grows up, she again finds herself in an abusive relationship and does not leave it because she explains to herself that nothing bad is actually happening in her relationship, and that what is being done to her is not abuse.

This is roughly how our defenses work. And therefore we can build codependent relationships again and again in our adult lives.

Blog of psychologist Svetlana Breusova

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