You can argue about the relationship between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law and never agree on one point of view. For some, a mother-in-law can become a close friend, but for others, a complete headache.
Photo source: stills from the film If Your Mother-in-Law is a Monster
One can argue about whether it is worth calling her reluctantly “mom” or whether this is still a relic of the past. One indisputable fact remains: a woman chooses her husband, and receives his relatives as a bonus, whether pleasant or not, depends on how you look at it.
The husband's family can become both a support and a source of energy and love draining from the family. What should you not do in your relationship with your mother-in-law? Let's figure it out together with psychologist Lesya Matveeva.
Lesya Matveeva
Psychoanalyst, public figure, personal development consultant.
Compete.
You should not share your husband with your mother-in-law. He is not the orange in the nursery rhyme that “only has one.” He is a grown man who chose you as his life partner. His mother has known him since the first days of his life, and his mother will always have a special place in his heart. And period.
You shouldn’t waste time and effort proving that you are more important/better/more important to him. You are both important, but you are on different levels. You are his beloved woman, wife, mother of his children; mother-in-law is a mother who will remain her no matter what, even if he stops communicating with her. You do not need to compete, because you cannot, and most importantly, should not take the place of his mother, and she will never replace you.
How to prevent mother-in-law and daughter-in-law from quarreling?
One of the favorable outcomes of the problem of how to reconcile the daughter-in-law with the mother-in-law is to make sure that they do not quarrel. Choosing the right style of behavior is the key to success in resolving this issue. Rivalry between women is inherent in nature and focusing your attention on it is a bad strategy in any case. The same goes for coping and avoidance tactics. The first leads to sacrifice for the sake of one’s own interests, the second leads to the conservation of the conflict into an eternal sluggish stage in which it will never disappear.
The right way out of this situation is cooperation. If you are a man, offer your options that will suit both women. If you are a daughter-in-law, look for compromises, do not reject the help of your mother-in-law, do not forbid your husband to visit her and never scold her in his presence.
The basis for achieving successful reconciliation is mutual desire and joint efforts
The mother-in-law herself should take part in resolving the relationship. If you stand up for your position on principle and demonstrate that only you want the best for your child, and he has made the wrong choice in life, you risk destroying his future. You don’t want your grandchildren to grow up without a father or to not have them at all.
Show patience and respect for each other, take an interest in your well-being, prepare for family holidays together and do not let quarrels between your wife and husband go beyond the scope of their personal communication, do not involve a third party in the family structure and everyday life, and then, if the conflicts do not disappear, then there will be much fewer reasons for them.
Let them into your territory.
This is not about a room or apartment to which the mother-in-law does not have access without permission, although this is also an important point. We are talking about your and your husband’s personal space, which should be inaccessible to anyone.
For a mother who “wouldn’t let go” of her son, the idea that she might not be welcome if she suddenly came to visit unannounced is simply incredible. Therefore, at first you may be faced with the fact that the mother-in-law does not have any understanding of why her opinion was not asked and not taken into account.
What to do? Build boundaries for your family. This is difficult, but otherwise the family will not have any intimate space, and your mother-in-law may start demanding the keys to your apartment (just in case), calling in the middle of the night and making scandals about why you didn’t visit her over the weekend.
Photo source: stills from the film If Your Mother-in-Law is a Monster
The most common causes of quarrels between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law
My mother-in-law hates me very much, and I don’t know what to do about it - many women turn to a psychologist with this problem. Having entered into marriage, they do not realize that they will not only have to maintain an alliance with their lover, but also fight the prejudices of their mother-in-law.
The most common cause of conflict between two women is the elementary division of power. The young wife wants to build life in the house according to her vision, but the mother-in-law has completely different ideas about how her son should live. As a result, the ladies clash over and over again, which results in enmity.
What other reasons stimulate the development of the conflict?
- Jealousy of a mother who has lost her son's attention.
- Inappropriate behavior of the daughter-in-law in the past or present, which creates conflict.
- Women may not have the same views regarding raising children in the family.
- If this is not a man’s first marriage, then the mother-in-law may be positively disposed towards the first daughter-in-law, refusing to accept the second.
- The conflict may be related to the girl’s desire to devote herself to her career rather than building family relationships.
It is necessary to understand that the mother-in-law always thinks about her son first. She will take his side in conflicts and will try by any means to make the man happy.
Relationships are especially difficult with those mothers who are accustomed to taking care of their sons from an early age and refuse to accept them. Like adults. Independent men. In this case, the wife’s desire to protect her husband from the mother’s excessive influence will only result in serious and protracted conflicts between relatives.
Psychologists in such situations advise women to try to resolve the conflict on their own at the negotiating table. It is necessary to involve a third party, that is, a man, only in the most extreme cases, when there are no other ways to overcome the conflict.
Develop rules under pressure from mother-in-law.
After marriage, you and your husband begin to develop your own rules, create your own microclimate, and the wife’s task is to ensure that the mother-in-law does not interfere in this process.
Budget planning, making serious decisions - you should decide all this only with your husband. At first, your mother-in-law will test the strength of your family boundaries, giving advice, trying to influence your husband. But we cannot give in on this issue.
The best tactic is to listen if the mother-in-law wants to speak out and do it her way. Involve her less in personal matters, do not rush to discuss her husband’s shortcomings with her, hoping that she will influence her son.
What should a mother-in-law do to improve her relationship with her daughter-in-law?
Relationships with mother-in-law
A daughter-in-law is, first of all, your son’s wife (beloved!), this is his choice, this is the woman with whom the universe brought him, and you must respect this choice. Do you have the right to interfere in the course of events of the universe? Hardly. What to do then?
At the very least, don't interfere! Let go of the situation, let the young people live their lives, and let the famous phrase “I told you that she is not a match for you!” you will always have time to say. It is impossible to “forcefully” love another person, especially if this person claims the love and attention of your son... but!
Try to look at it from the other side - this girl/woman makes your son happy, otherwise they would not live together; but for the sake of your son’s happiness you can endure it, you must agree. So the relationship with the mother-in-law is the work of both women.
How to improve relations with your mother-in-law - now you know the answer to this question. The article gave the most valuable advice. You just need to use them and life in the family will become joyful and harmonious. Happiness and smiles to you.
Expect your mother-in-law to be on your side.
Superexpectations, especially fueled by your husband’s stories “I have such a world-class mother!”, “You will definitely get along with her,” should not be misleading, saying that his mother will love you like her own daughter.
The less you expect from your future mother-in-law, the less she will disappoint. You must also understand that she has her own plans and fantasies for you. Perhaps she wanted her son’s wife to bake pies, become her best friend, and give birth to three grandchildren at once.
You shouldn't blame your mother-in-law for not liking you. She is an ordinary person with inherent flaws. In her opinion, the ideal wife may look different.
At the same time, you may have wanted your mother-in-law to be different. More intelligent, wiser, so that you can count on her advice, can trust your children without fear, know that she will not advise your husband anything bad and will not set him up with his exes, and will let him into your family. So it’s worth accepting the real mother-in-law, saying goodbye to the fantasy image.
Photo source: stills from the film If Your Mother-in-Law is a Monster
Svekra.ru
Dear brides-to-be, these tips were taken from different forums, the girls themselves wrote their opinions, so not every method may suit you. But, as one forum member wrote, in the holy struggle for family happiness, all methods are good. So try it, take action! — “Try to minimize communication with your mother-in-law.”
- “The best way out is to live separately from your mother-in-law, and the further the better.”
- “If your mother-in-law bothers you with advice, agree silently with a smile, without commenting or objecting, but do it your own way.”
- “Calm down, try not to listen, and ignore any statements.”
“If a mother-in-law tries to seize her power, they say that nothing can be decided with her, but to tell her husband - deal with your mother, this acts like shock therapy on her. In general, let her understand that she is nobody to you and has no right to give orders.”
“The mother-in-law subconsciously builds relationships with your family as the eldest wife of your husband - this is the consequence of insanity or menopause for her. In such cases, you need to say something like: “Auntie, you have the wrong address - you are no one to me, you are behaving inappropriately.” And the most important thing is not to be afraid of it.”
— A forum member writes: “I came under such severe pressure from my mother-in-law... The main thing is not to be afraid, and to enter into open confrontation with her... Then her attacks of power became less frequent and faded away. Although he shows his arrogance in any case, he is already afraid of me...”
- “Cultivate your character - try to deliberately evoke such a reaction in her and get moral pleasure from it
- you’ll see how you break her - it’s called shock therapy! And your husband is on your side - don’t even doubt it..."
- “Don’t try to re-educate your mother-in-law. At this age it is already useless. Just be quiet and do it your way."
“The mother-in-law needs to be put in her place right away.” - writes another girl. She listened to her mother, was submissive and obeyed her mother-in-law from the first days of the wedding, and after which she had to endure a lot of “shit” addressed to her - attacks, boorish attitude, complete disregard, her opinion was no longer taken into account, etc. She was tired of all this and she became herself, did not tolerate and was not silent, but expressed everything to her mother-in-law straight away. After this, the mother-in-law began to treat her with caution and more respect. The main thing, says the forum member, is to express your opinion, not to keep silent! You have to subdue your mother-in-law, it’s tough, but it works.”
- “Don’t be afraid of her words, no one has ever died from words. He will yell and stop. If you get tired of listening, tell her: “My own mother doesn’t raise her voice at me, but what right do you have?”
— “If your mother-in-law likes to yell, try answering her in a whisper, some people get carried away and start talking the same way.
Verified."
Taking conflicts onto your shoulders.
Don’t forget that your husband’s mother, who loves scandals and squabbles, is primarily his problem. He should not put it on his wife’s shoulders. Do not allow your husband to withdraw and remain silent in situations that are important for the family. For example, with the same decision not to allow your mother to come visit you without warning, “out of the blue.”
You should not be the “bad cop” in a relationship while your husband remains your favorite son. He is an adult man and since he has decided to create a union, to unite your lives, then there is no need to drag your mother there. Therefore, you must protect family rules and boundaries together.
The basis of the conflict, because of which the mother-in-law hates the daughter-in-law
The basis of such a conflict is the personal desire of one of its participants for the other person to conform to subjective ideas about a certain norm. In other words, the mother-in-law has the image of an ideal daughter-in-law. And she, in turn, also has an idea of the ideal mother-in-law. And the discrepancy between mutual expectations gives rise to dissatisfaction with each other and, as a consequence, a conflict situation.
At the same time, the man who is the cause of the confrontation may react differently to quarrels between women:
- It is hard to suffer from the fact that his wife does not find a common language with his mother. Because he loves them both and does not want to be either a bad son or an indifferent spouse.
- To experience joy deep within himself when his wife expresses to his mother what he himself wanted to say as a child, but did not dare. There are often cases when a man even feels irritated when his wife tries to establish family ties.
Mother-in-law's hatred
According to many psychologists, a man on a subconscious level chooses as his life partner a woman who is similar to his mother. And people who are similar, as a rule, find it difficult to get along together.
If both women have a friendly and gentle disposition, then they will easily find a common language with each other. But if the ladies are distinguished by their domineering and despotic character, then they will reflect each other, defending their positions. And the man will find himself between two raging fires - mother and wife.
So, if you think your mother-in-law is selfish and conflict-ridden, take a more critical look at yourself to see if you have similar traits with her.
When entering into any relationship, each person must understand that no one is obliged to correspond to his invented ideal images. It is necessary to recognize the right of another individual to be himself. This will make it easier and calmer for everyone.
- It is not at all necessary for a daughter-in-law and mother-in-law to love each other. It is important not to experience irritation and internal dissatisfaction.
- The critical attitude of the wife's or husband's parents, directed at their spouses, is always present in the family, to a greater or lesser extent. This is a normal situation due to the fact that parents tend to exaggerate the merits of their children and find excuses for their negative actions.
However, in practice, it happens that the mother-in-law is unable to come to terms with her son’s choice and literally hates her daughter-in-law , beginning to consciously or unconsciously undermine their relationship. This is expressed in constant comments, reproaches and complaints to the son. At the same time, the woman does not even understand that she is destroying his family. As a rule, she is sincerely confident that she is doing “the best.”
Attitude
To understand how to correct a negative situation, try to be objective:
- If your mother-in-law is conflictual and quarrelsome not only in your opinion, but also in the opinion of other people, then the matter is in the peculiarities of her character. Quarrels in this case are inevitable, no matter how you treat her or her son. The only thing you can do is try not to provoke conflict situations.
- If others speak of your mother-in-law as a nice woman, and her hostility is directed only in your direction, then it is extremely important to determine the reason for such an attitude. Once you understand why this happens, it will be easier for you to decide what to do next.
Strengthening the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law - 5 strategies for competent interaction
If you get a mother-in-law who is an owner or a commander in a skirt, all that remains is to correctly build a communication policy. Let's just say that if your husband is a mama's boy, it is better to separate immediately. Your chances of winning the fight are zero. But in the case of an adequate man, you can develop a plan.
We are never rude in front of our husbands or even in private. Your trump card is politeness. Even if you turn inside out at the next remark from “mom,” answer with restraint. Most often, brawler-bloodsuckers are infuriated by their opponent’s equanimity. After a couple of attempts to get you into trouble and not getting what you want, the mother-in-law will be more careful when turning. Energy vampirism, as it is, with good protection immediately disappears. Let him look for another victim! And she will have nothing to accuse you of in front of her son.
We don’t complain about our husband to his mother. The biggest stupidity is to seek obvious support from her, against her own son. Even if she cheated and showed favor, it will later come out as a reproach to you. She raised him, loves him, considers him the best, worthy, and you are someone else’s girl, trying to denigrate both his reputation and her upbringing! Complain to your friends if you want support.
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We make discreet audio recordings. In the age of technology, it would be stupid not to use such an option as a voice recorder. Write all her remarks, scandals and hysterics. When you have accumulated enough incriminating evidence, present it to your husband. You can start by playing the recordings for her, with a warning that this will fall into the hands of her beloved son. This can pacify a nervous aunt.
Skip half of them or accept your “illiquidity.” Try not to hear her negative phrases in your direction. Let’s give average answers to many complaints: I don’t know, probably, maybe, whatever you say, etc. Even better would be your agreement with all her barbs in your direction: yes, I’m a bad housewife; yeah, the soup is not tasty; yes, yes, I’m dirty and incompetent, etc. This is a very effective technique from psychological aikido, when we do not make excuses, but agree with all the opponent’s insults. Even the most harmful mother-in-law will soon leave you behind.
We're trying to be friends. You can make friends in different ways. The main thing is to determine what is right for your “mother” regarding her psychotype and interests.
- Agree with the advice and even be interested in her opinion, and after leaving, do it your own way.
- Give gifts and praise more often for all sorts of little things. Flattery is sometimes useful in the name of family peace.
- Inquire about her health and work affairs, showing sincere interest.
- Share events from daily life or sometimes play the role of a grateful listener.
- Bring your grandchildren to visit more often and be sure to dress them up in things donated by “mom.”
- Going to visit with cake, to evening gatherings.
Ideally, it is much more convenient to fight and make friends in a separate area, so we physically move away from the mother-in-law as much as possible. It’s better to pay money for a rented apartment or even a room in a communal apartment than to walk every day under the close supervision of an aging woman with different views and habits!
How to properly build relationships in a new family?
In order for a young wife to properly build relationships in a new family in general and with her mother-in-law in particular, she needs to adhere to some simple rules:
- Don't sit idle. Work, study, engage in social activities, in a word, be useful in society.
- You need to treat your husband’s mother with respect, but you shouldn’t play the role of a “good girl” forever. You should always remain yourself, be well-mannered and friendly.
- Always remember that a mother-in-law, whatever she may be, can seriously affect, if not your relationship with your husband, then the general climate in the family. Therefore, you need to try to make your spouse feel good, cozy and comfortable next to you. So that he wants to devote all his free time to you.
- If you cannot avoid the conflict, try to understand its essence. Any conflict situation can be resolved only by eliminating the cause of its occurrence.
- Under no circumstances should you involve your husband in the conflict. You and your mother-in-law will have to resolve it yourself.
The above rules will help you improve relationships in your new family and try to avoid conflict with your husband’s mother, regardless of whether she lives with you or you live separately. After all, you are, after all, family people who, as you know, should stick to each other.
Resolving the conflict between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law is quite possible. But only if the young wife behaves correctly. Any mother is very pleased to see that her son is loved, respected and cared for. And also to know that he is married to a worthy woman and everything is in order in their family. Of course, this will take time. But even the most severe conflict between close people is completely solvable. This is what we should strive for.
