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In this article, I will tell you what to do if your girlfriend is always unhappy...
If you are not happy with something about your partner, it means you made the wrong choice from the beginning.
You see, in the beginning, when you first start dating the person you fall in love with, you are under the influence of emotions. Your mind (logic) turns off, this always happens - when animal instincts (love, infatuation) turn on, and in the end, you don’t notice so many things connected with her, this girl, incl. all her shortcomings. As a result, at first everything is great, everything is fine, but as soon as these emotions subside, you begin to notice something that you didn’t notice before.
As a result, for example, you begin to notice that she is lazy, always dissatisfied with something, throws hysterics, she doesn’t notice her own shortcomings, but only those of others, she has frequent depression, in general, negativity reigns with her, not happiness, etc. and you start having problems in your relationship.
Suffering. Torment. Brain explosion. Quarreling. Swearing. Etc. That’s why you should never rush and get into a fever. As many do. They get married. They give birth to children. They make their life even more difficult...
Has she always been like this?i
The main question that any specialist will ask you is: when did it start? Remember, was the girl always irritable? How did her views on the same conditions change over time? I would like to hope that the type of grumpy and mean-spirited person did not initially attract you. Otherwise, it’s time to see a psychologist not only for her, but also for you, friend! Let's believe that you met when she was gentle, smiling and cheerful. Hooray! Then all is not lost.
Let us agree right away that such sad changes cannot be taken personally. Remember, at the beginning there was a conversation about “whiners”? So, your girlfriend is a typical representative of it. And they are characterized by dramatic changes in behavior with the appearance of a loved one. During the candy-bouquet period, she was probably even an optimist. But what went wrong? The fact is that when someone lives alone, he simply has no one to cry to!
Everything changed when ears appeared nearby, forced to listen to all this. You can pour so many problems and negativity into them. And the most interesting thing is that they are always nearby. And this is truly excellent ground for inflating fictitious problems.
Reality eludes us
We are awake 16 hours a day, but we spend much less in the present moment.
Most of the time we hang out in our minds, ignoring the world around us. Like Billy Pilgrim from Vonnegut's novel, we are constantly traveling into the past and flying into the future. One study, The Brain's Default Network and Its Adaptive Role in Internal Mentation, charted the thoughts that a person has throughout the day. Almost half is spent on memories and thoughts about the future.
ncbi.nlm.nih.gov
All these abstractions capture us and make us ignore the real world. Therein lies the problem of our constant dissatisfaction.
We listen to our inner voice all the time. He can entertain with pleasant memories or dreams, but much more often he causes stress and fear, and invents imaginary dangers. At the same time, the only thing that truly exists is the environment and what it has to offer.
There is nothing but the present moment, and this moment causes dissatisfaction much less often than one’s own thoughts. If we take this idea to its conclusion, it turns out that even death does not exist. The outstanding philosopher of the 20th century, Ludwig Wittgenstein, believed that real, tangible death will never happen in life, which means that many of our fears and anxieties that arise from the fear of death are unfounded.
Death is not a life event. Death is not experienced. If eternity is understood not as infinite temporal duration, but as timelessness, then the one who lives in the present lives forever.
Ludwig Wittgenstein, philosopher
The only way to get out of the cycle of dissatisfaction is to turn off your inner voice more often so that it no longer interferes with your perception of reality.
However, immersion in one’s own thoughts is not a bad habit, but a feature of our brain’s functioning.
What motivates her?2
The most popular motive for a whiny girl is as follows - she arouses your interest. The method is far from the best, but despite its ugliness it works. This is a game that has its own rules: one complains, and the second consoles and encourages. This is how she gets your attention: you sit together in an embrace and wrap your snot around your fist. Mmmm, idyll!
For her, the meaning of life lies in the search for negative emotions. She's not going to be happy because she's just not interested in anything good. Although under angelic tears, they will assure you otherwise. According to her version, she longs for a bright future, but she’s not going to do anything for it. Unloved job? So you can change it! Surely this has already been discussed, but in response there will always be a bunch of reasons and arguments in favor of the fact that all efforts are futile and meaningless. Why? She unconsciously loves to suffer. A kind of sadomasochist. If everything goes well, what is there to complain about? What to conduct a dialogue about, or rather a monologue? She is afraid of losing your ears and your support. Alas, now she feeds on negative emotions, so their flow must be stopped.
Why is a drinking wife good?
Let’s not go to the other extreme, when a man begins to enjoy the fact that his wife turned out to be a “saw.” However, let's say this: a wife who drank is much better than a woman who is generally indifferent to her husband.
If a woman quarrels with her husband, it means that she is interested in a relationship with him. It's just that people can't always build their relationships the way they would like. So it turns out that the woman begins to nag her husband, because in this way she is trying to improve something with him.
Remember the following:
- The wife loves her husband, therefore, when she is dissatisfied with something, she tries to eliminate this problem. Here there is a conversation, conversation, showdown and even “sawing”, “brain removal”.
- If a woman said something to her husband once or twice, but he did not hear her, then she will be forced to change the tactics of her approach - and begin to “nag”! Here the expression that “if a wife drank, then her husband was firewood” already becomes true. If a man had initially heard what his wife wanted from him, then perhaps she would not have to become a “saw.”
- The wife is interested in maintaining a good relationship with her husband, while resolving the issue. Why then does she “nag”? Because he sees no other way to resolve the issue. Perhaps her husband didn’t hear her the first time. Perhaps the husband did not agree with his wife’s proposal, but she is not ready to refuse him. If a wife nags, the man himself often contributes to this. However, the wife always nags if she still wants to create a harmonious relationship with her husband.
- The wife nags because she doesn’t know how to solve problems any other way. This can be understood by the fact that the wife is never satisfied. You fixed the problem that caused her to nagging you last time, but she found another reason for nagging. You promised her to solve the problem, but she continues to nag you. Here you need to contact a psychologist or show the woman in other ways her wrong behavior in situations where it is necessary to solve the problem.
How can I help her?3
For every action there is a reaction. If before your partner behaved quite normally and did not resort to regular complaints, then we want to congratulate you - you have entered a close circle of trusted people. Agree, it’s strange to cry and discuss any ups and downs with the first person you meet. But with my family! Moreover, where will this loved one go, he is simply forced to listen to all this. We will have to break such a carefully adjusted system.
Method #1: You are a man and you need to take responsibility into your own hands. Let her feel your strength. Take time and talk to your girlfriend. Tell her about your feelings and that you are ready to help and support her. It is important to convey to your friend that she is important and if she has problems, you are also sincerely worried. But! Too frequent complaints from her do not suit you. After all, you want to be happy and see a smile on your beloved’s face. She may not notice how often she shows her dissatisfaction. Show her this.
Method No. 2: No one promises that after a frank conversation the girl will accept and change in one day. From now on, when she starts playing her record, move away. You should not take active part in this worldwide cry. Don’t nod, don’t assent, and especially don’t sympathize. Even your advice is unnecessary. Remember, they don’t listen to them anyway. So make a counter move and don’t listen either.
So that the girl does not perceive your silence as complete indifference to her, try to take the conversation in a different direction. Show by your behavior that you consider complaints not the best topic. A girl must understand that whining about everything is absurd. Understand that her problem is that she complains, and yours is that you allow her to do it without stopping. Stop her attempts. It will be hard at first because she has already developed a habit, so help her form a new one.
Method No. 3: If the previous methods do not give absolutely any results and the number of complaints on her part does not decrease, then there is one trick. Use her own weapon. Is she used to complaining? It's your turn.
Behave exactly the same as she does: tell me how you were annoyed at work; how they brought hot tea and you almost burned your tongue; how it’s disgusting outside today (it doesn’t matter whether it’s cold or hot there, let everything not be as it should be). Be prepared for the fact that the girl will start to assent, then pretend that even absurd little things supposedly irritate you. For example, angrily express how this mug infuriates you: there is always either too much tea or not enough in it. What about the color of the walls in the entrance? Could people paint them like that, being adequate? The main thing in this case is not to get too carried away and believe that life is really terrible.
The trick is that now you don’t just ignore her complaints, but pour yours on her. See how much she likes to listen to dissatisfaction. In general, say whatever comes to mind. After the partner resorts to absurd claims, the girl usually has an epiphany. But there is also a risk. If she is a “born whiner,” then this will only irritate her, and she will find in you a kindred spirit, to whom the world is also unfair. Then, alas. All that remains is to use the following advice.
Tip #4: None of the proposed options worked? This means that the girl has serious problems, increased nervousness, depression or whining is the true meaning of life for her. In such situations, only a psychologist or even a psychiatrist can help. Talk to your loved one about the current situation and ask to see a doctor. If she does not consider this a problem and is not ready to meet you halfway in resolving this issue, then there is only one outcome - separation.
Why do we get lost in thoughts?
When a person withdraws into himself, the brain's Default Mode Network (DMN) is activated. When we concentrate on something, the activity of this network decreases, and when we lose focus, it increases, and we drift away from reality into our thoughts.
Through the work of the DMN, we remember The Brain's Default Network and its Adaptive Role in Internal Mentation events of the past and imagine what might happen in the future, form an attitude towards ourselves and explore our emotions. Thanks to the same system, we assume what other people think and feel, determine the fairness of our actions, and evaluate the social characteristics and status of the group. All this is necessary for a person to live in society.
At the same time, excessive activity of the DMN is characteristic of depression. In people with depressive disorder, the network is activated Default mode network in depression: A pathway to impaired affective cognition? both during rest and while performing tasks. At the same time, the activity of networks responsible for concentration of attention decreases.
Suppression of active DMN activity is necessary The role of default network deactivation in cognition and disease. to complete tasks, feel well-being and calm. And you can do this by consciously focusing your attention on external or internal objects.
What should I do if I've tried everything?4
What kind of happiness can we talk about in the presence of mental problems? Your duty is to try to help your loved one. But if they don’t listen to your advice, but only continue to pour liters of dirt and discontent on you, think, do you need all this?
Of course, when you have feelings, it’s hard to decide to take such a desperate step. But otherwise, with such a partner, it’s not far from developing your own health problems. If a girl does not hear your arguments, does not react to your torment that you voiced, then such a union simply has no future.
How to be in the present moment
The study Meditation leads to reduced default mode network activity beyond an active task showed that meditation helps reduce DMN activity. Moreover, the effect is noticeable both during and after practice.
Moreover, since meditation improves Dynamical properties of BOLD activity from the ventral posteromedial cortex associated with meditation and attentional skills. attention and working memory, increases Effects of mindfulness on psychological health: a review of empirical studies the feeling of well-being and helps fight Meditation programs for psychological stress and well-being: a systematic review and meta-analysis. with anxiety and depression, scientists concluded that these effects are due to decreased DMN activity.
It is not necessary to start meditating in the classical way: sitting in silence and concentrating on the emptiness in your head. Instead, you can focus on your life. And it will be an exciting adventure.
As soon as you turn off your inner chatterbox and immerse yourself in the experience of the moment, you begin to notice a lot of new things: what an interesting timbre of your friend’s voice, how to optimally fold the dishes so that they stop falling out of the closet, what an incredible color the autumn leaves are and how they contrast with the sky . Most of your “wants” fall off by themselves, leaving only what is necessary and important.
We have everything we really want. This is true, but only if we live in the present moment.
A woman “nags” means she loves
How often can you hear men expressing their indignation at the fact that women constantly nag them: “She blows my mind,” “I’m so tired of her nagging,” “Everything is always wrong for women,” “No matter what you do, it will be wrong.” In such cases, even the women themselves will agree with the men. When a partner is constantly dissatisfied with the actions, character traits, words and deeds of a loved one, it is so tiring that you don’t even want to return home.
A man is tired of a relationship where he is constantly being nagged. It's quite normal. In this case, there is a desire to create an alliance with a partner who will not criticize, be indignant and be constantly dissatisfied. But here’s what’s interesting: if a woman doesn’t nag, then most likely she’s indifferent.
A woman “blows the mind” of a man not because she enjoys it, but because she wants to convey to him some of her thoughts, which he, which most often happens, does not hear the first and even the second time. The woman speaks, but the man does not hear! If for the first time she speaks sweetly and with a smile on her face about her desires and expresses her opinion, then the next time her tone and behavior become more and more nervous and rude, until the man finally hears her.
The woman “nags” - and both partners are to blame for this:
- A woman cannot choose an approach to a man when he can understand her wishes the first or second time.
- But the man does not hear what the woman tells him. There are gentlemen who think that ladies don’t know what they want, or constantly say some nonsense. It turns out that the stronger sex does not hear, and the weaker sex increases its pressure, bringing the situation to the state of “brain blowing every evening.”
A woman “nags” only the man she loves. If she felt indifference, she would “blow the brains” of someone else - someone who is actually interesting to her. There are families where wives do not quarrel with their husbands at all. Most often, in such families, partners already have other loved ones. And they are together only for the sake of children or for status.
Do you really only need to “nag” when you love? No. It is advisable for a woman to talk calmly and rationally with her partner. But a response is also needed from the man. If he begins to hear and take into account the words of his companion, then there will be no reason for sawing. After all, a woman “blows her mind” only because a man doesn’t hear her. This is just a way to get your point across when calm and friendly conversations on such topics do not bring results. If a man does not hear when a woman calmly talks about her desires, then he himself provokes a situation of “sawing.” This problem needs to be solved by both:
- A man should learn to hear a woman when she talks to him, expresses an opinion, talks about her desires.
- And a woman needs to look for suitable words that will be understandable to her partner.
How to behave during quarrels and conflicts with your wife?
Simple tips should be followed.
- Try to be calm, do not respond to rudeness with rudeness, and do not escalate the situation. Constructive, adequate communication is much more effective than a heated quarrel.
- If your spouse cannot calm down and does not make contact, perhaps you should leave her alone for a while. Go into another room for a while or go for a walk. Before doing this, gently tell your wife that her words are very offensive to you, and that you are willing to give her time to come to her senses, and then calmly discuss the problem with her.
- Master techniques for controlling your emotional state. For example, breathing on a count. To calm down, do not quickly count to yourself to 4, inhaling evenly, hold your breath for another 4 counts at the same pace, then exhale evenly for 8 counts.
2-3 minutes of this exercise is enough to get back to normal. Share this or another technique that works for you with your wife and do it together during a tense situation.
Psychologist in Almaty
Olga Vyacheslavovna Solonenko, analytical psychologist
The psychocorrection group will help you meet yourself and get to know yourself. Improve relationships in the family and with children. Be confident in yourself and be able to set true goals.
