“He ruined my life”: How not to let resentment towards a man destroy your health

If it weren’t for the resentment towards my husband, this understanding would never have come to me.

I want to forgive you for your deception and betrayal. Because the family died before it could be formed. For short sex as the only expression of the relationship.

I want to forgive you for not helping me care for him when our newborn baby was screaming around the clock for months. For the quarrels, for the fact that in the most difficult moments you didn’t even hug me, looked at me with contempt and demanded that I pull myself together.

I want to forgive you for driving me away from the house that we dreamed and built together. Because your good mood is a rare guest in our house. If it happens sometimes, you go away and give it to your friends.

I want to forgive you for your stony silence, ignorance, obscurity. For your signature “don’t count on me.” Because when you leave home you don’t say a word.

I was ready for this - I wanted to forgive you. But first I had to look inside myself and face my resentment face to face.

Don't focus on the problem

Very often, women significantly exaggerate the difficulties they face. Urgent problems seem extremely difficult to them, taking on a cosmic scale. Sometimes misunderstandings and daily quarrels happen for the reason that people simply do not want to concede anything to each other. Women should not focus too much on the problem.

If your husband is offended and does not talk, you need to give him time to cool down. Let him be alone with his thoughts and put them in order. Surely, after an hour or two, he himself will turn to his dear wife with some request, question or statement. Then the wife should not remember how the quarrel began and who, in fact, provoked it. When the first emotions subside, it is better not to offend each other with additional claims.

Incidents not deserving of forgiveness

You can easily forgive your husband’s minor sins, words spoken rashly, and absurd actions, but you cannot turn a blind eye to rudeness and insults addressed to you, since a girl must value and respect herself. Incidents that do not forgive:

1. Assault. Psychologists say that if you hit once, you will hit again. A man, feeling his physical strength, understands that communicating his point of view to his wife is much easier than spending hours explaining the motives for his actions. But this is done mainly by mentally weak individuals who are unable to conduct a constructive dialogue. Beating his wife over and over again, he takes pleasure in her humiliation, using increasingly sophisticated torture.
2. The husband abuses the children. He presents beating as an effective method of education, without which children will not grow up to be normal people. However, the mother is obliged to protect her children from all the offenders in the world, even if one of them is the natural father. If a woman is not indifferent to the fate of her children, then it is better to rid them of such a dad.
3. Insults in public. A spouse who likes to tell friends the details of his intimate life, without mincing words, publicly criticizes, offends and calls him names, does not deserve the love of his half. A woman who has not lost her self-esteem should say goodbye to such a man.

READ

How to make peace with your wife after a strong quarrel: advice for men

If a man knows how to admit his mistakes and does not forget to apologize, then it makes sense to try to save the family. But if the incident is repeated a second time, a third time, then you should immediately pack your things and leave your ungrateful spouse. He won't change.

Don't look for the perfect partner

Often women hold all kinds of grievances against their husbands for a long time instead of trying to forget about it as soon as possible. Showing an offended look, they hope to wait for a visible apology addressed to them and are very upset when this does not happen. A man, even if he really offended, will not always think of asking his wife for forgiveness, not because he deliberately behaves this way, but simply may forget about it.

The main mistake of wives is that they try to idealize their partner to one degree or another. Husbands do not always understand what is behind such an attitude, and they most often take it for granted. In fact, you should not look for some ideal person in your spouse, who has never existed in the world. Otherwise, you will then have to face a situation where the husband is offended over trifles. It’s better to apologize in time so that after a long time you don’t have to talk about what happened again. We must remember that any omissions and understatements interfere with communicating and understanding each other. It should be borne in mind that if the husband does not apologize, then this is just his choice.

How to Forgive and Let Go of Annoyance: 5 Steps

Every woman should know how to forgive an insult to her beloved husband, let go of the situation, and not spoil the relationship because of little things. There are 5 proven psychological methods that allow you to understand the causes of annoyance and easily get rid of them, without creating difficulties or the danger of breakups.

READ How to regain the trust of a loved one: methods and useful tips

What to do if you are offended by your husband, you need to figure it out in detail. Resentment is a destructive emotion. By keeping it inside yourself for a long time, you destroy your energy and help negativity influence your life. If you don't know how to deal with intense resentment toward your husband, review the 5 basic steps below.

Step 1: blacklist of grievances

Many girls do not know how to let go of their grudge against their husband and continue to live in joy and love. There is a good psychological technique that requires paper and pen.

At the top of the sheet you need to write your husband's name. Then it is worth describing in detail each reason that provokes destructive emotions. Having listed them, you can determine for yourself that some of them have no value in order to accumulate negativity in yourself for a long time.

In their practice, psychologists encounter situations where women are offended by their men for a specific purpose - to get attention and affection. This behavior is laid down on a subconscious level since childhood, and in adulthood it sometimes makes itself felt. If you are used to being given gifts after pretending to be offended, then this is manipulation by your loved one. You need to get rid of it, if necessary, turning to psychologists for help.

freedom of choice

In the relationship between two people who decide to tie the knot, there is always a choice. You cannot deprive your other half of this based on selfish considerations. The partner is not obliged to meet all the expectations of his wife. This would be completely wrong and would not allow development.

How to stop being offended by your husband? Sometimes you just need to try to understand him without requiring any explanation. When the wife herself offended her husband, it is better to try to get him into a conversation and then find out all the circumstances of what happened. A woman often complains that she cannot forgive her husband, but at the same time she does not make any attempts to get closer. Lack of action will not lead the couple to a satisfactory outcome.

Full relationship

Much fewer offenses and misunderstandings arise in those families where full-fledged relationships are developed. In such a union, both spouses show true respect for each other. Learning to quickly forget an insult is not as difficult as it seems at first glance. You just need to really leave your heart open and not allow some minor quarrels to turn into unmanageable mountains of mental garbage.

Full relationships do not allow any humiliation, there is no place for manipulation. Many women try with all their might to show their husbands that nothing bad happened, but in fact it is very difficult for them to survive a quarrel. Do not do this. If a woman is offended, she should think about how to let go of the offense, but not force herself.

If her husband openly insults her, of course, she should defend herself and not endure it in silence. Otherwise, very soon the resentment towards your husband will turn into a bundle of tears and disappointments. You need to let go of all complaints as early as possible and it is advisable to learn to do this from the bottom of your heart.

What is resentment

Resentment is the accumulation of negative energy towards a certain person, which gradually destroys from the inside. The more serious the reason, the more difficult it is to get rid of negative feelings, switch to positive aspects, relax and let go of the situation.

READ How to behave after a quarrel with a man: tips for resolving conflicts

Each person has his own level of sensitivity and individual sensitive points. Most often, we are offended by loved ones who do not live up to our expectations and commit unacceptable acts.

Often there are resentments against the husband, who, with his words or behavior, hurts his wife’s pride.

Tolerance

When a wife has offended her husband, it is best for her to ask for forgiveness as soon as possible. There is no need to accumulate additional misunderstandings; there are already a lot of them throughout the entire time, more than enough. The more tolerant people are towards each other, the easier it will be for them to solve pressing problems. There is no escape from difficulties in family life.

However, there is a secret to how to be offended correctly. What does this mean? The point is not to take your dissatisfaction with your spouse into your heart. If the offense is slight and hangs in the air for one or two hours, nothing bad will happen.

Women of all ages often ask how to show my husband that his words offended me, touched me to the quick? You just need to be sincere. You should try to forgive and let go. And you shouldn’t hold a grudge against your ex-husband at all. If life paths have already diverged, there is no point in closing in resentment. How to forgive and let go? Just move on with your life. Make mistakes and move forward again.

Taking responsibility

It is impossible to live in marriage without a daily search for compromise. Typically, one spouse gives more than the other. This is the law of life balance. But what to do if the reason for the offense is serious, how to forget caustic phrases and unbearably ugly words? The bad thing about resentment is that it almost always leaves an indelible mark on the heart. It looks like a scar from a healed wound. Such a scar will constantly remind you that people once greatly misunderstood each other.

Even when the spouses have reconciled for a long time, somewhere in the depths of their souls this trace remains. It can be left unnoticed and left untouched until the next conflict. It is then that the memories show how wrong the other half was wrong a week, month or year ago. Thus, resentment becomes a harbinger of a new quarrel and creates additional experiences.

This is why it is so important to take responsibility for everything that happens. It is impossible to live in a family without making concessions, without asking for forgiveness from time to time. An offended person always wants to hear the most sincere and tender words from his other half.

If my wife hurt me, should I show her my hurt?

Hello, dear D.!

You are doing the right thing by striving for peace in the family, and we hope that your efforts will be rewarded. The fact that you are interested in how to behave during a quarrel proves that you are able to maintain composure even when you are offended.

Let me answer your last question first, because... it is the only one to which a clear answer can be given. In any situation, you should neither start nor continue to be offended. The Torah specifically prohibits holding a grudge. Even on people we don’t know, and even more so on our family and friends. But what if we have already been offended? Try to forgive. Find any excuse for the person who offended us, just as we would justify ourselves: today she had a hard day; she herself was offended at work; she is tired; feels bad; got nervous; didn't think; I didn’t know that such words hurt me, etc. Think about the advantages of a loved one, which are probably more numerous than the disadvantages; we just tend to forget about them in anger. Think about how we would worry if, God forbid, something happened to her because we couldn’t forgive her. That the Almighty forgives the sins of those who forgive others. And that the very existence of the world is supported by those who can restrain themselves during a quarrel and cannot respond with insult to insult.

This advice is much easier to give than to implement. To some extent, this is our main work in this world: learning to love our neighbors as ourselves, forgive them, not take revenge, etc. You have to learn this all your life, and even if sometimes breakdowns occur, don’t think: “Well, that’s how I am, I’ll stay that way,” but try again and again. A Jew is obligated to constantly work on his midot

(qualities), and family life, especially with a person whose character is “not sugar,” creates the best conditions for this work.

Now let's try to answer the remaining questions. How to behave when we are offended? Should I show my resentment? Even if a quarrel has already begun, you should remain as calm and cool as possible. An angry person is not inclined to show sensitivity to his opponent, to understand his condition, so demonstrating his resentment at such a moment will, at best, be useless, and at worst, will cause a malicious reaction: “Serves you right!” and continuation of the quarrel. In general, when a quarrel flares up, you should try to put it out at any cost, without thinking about your pride. This can be compared to a fire: when the house is on fire (God forbid!), the last thing a person will worry about is how he looks jumping out of the window in his pajamas...

When the passions subside or if the taunt that offended you is uttered “in passing”, in a peaceful atmosphere, you can say with maximum calm: “Maybe you don’t know, but such words really offend me.” If the answer is “Serves you right!” or “How sensitive you are!”, which means this method is not suitable. You can say, “I'll try not to be offended by this anymore,” and close the topic. The best thing you can do after this is to really try not to be offended, or at least show as much composure as possible if it happens again.

If you decide to talk about your grievance, you must explain its reason. What is “already clear” to one may not always be as clear to another. As a rule, women are more sensitive than men, and it is women who usually tend to “make riddles.” Sometimes a wife “sulks” at her husband for several days in a row, answering questions about the reason for this: “You know.” Which makes the husband feel like a complete fool. If your wife offends you, maybe she understands how she offended you, or maybe not. In most cases, sincerity is best.

In a very calm environment, you can try to have a heart-to-heart talk. Start with the good: give a compliment, praise the food she cooked, the house she cleaned, etc. Tell her how much you love her. Then ask for forgiveness for sometimes offending her. Explain that you cannot always understand what hurts her. Offer to talk about it. You may hear things you didn't even know existed. Then tell her what you don't like to hear. Agree that you will try not to say hurtful things to each other, and if you forget, remind them about it. You may also decide, in the event of a quarrel, to turn to an authority figure - a rabbi, a marriage counselor, a mutual friend, etc. - who you can rely on not to tell other people about what you heard. You should not contact your or her relatives to resolve problems, because... they will not be able to be completely objective. Having made a decision, try to carry it out yourself, regardless of whether the other party does it. A man is more emotionally stable than a woman, and it is he who should be the standard of fidelity to his word and consistency in the family.

Frankness between spouses is good in the vast majority of cases, but there are exceptions. Psychologists identify certain pathological personality disorders. A small percentage of people (both sexes) have an unhealthy desire to inflict pain on their spouse, getting pleasure from it or thereby achieving superiority and power over him. Fortunately, such pathologies are quite rare. But if they are present, the frankness of the offended person will inevitably be used against him. Life with such a person can be unbearable. In these cases, you need to immediately contact a good family consultant who can determine the depth of the problem and refer you to a specialist, if necessary. If someone suspects that a spouse has signs of such a disorder (don’t rush into diagnoses - leave it to the specialists!), the best way to communicate with him is to be as emotionally independent as possible, to maintain composure and not react to insults.

Without a doubt, there are various pitfalls in family life. But it is family life that allows us to develop our personality to the maximum, to reveal traits in ourselves that we would not even suspect about if we lived alone.

I wish you a successful resolution of all conflicts!

Sincerely, Miryam Klimovskaya

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General views

When people look at life in the same direction, it becomes more interesting for them to spend time together. Common family values ​​unite and help create trust and respect within a couple. When grievances are resolved in a timely manner, negative energy is not delayed and does not interfere with living happily.

Having common views on familiar things is extremely important for a person who has decided to build a strong family union. Of course, both spouses should take equal part in this matter. However, it so happened that a woman has to take more care of the well-being of the family, to ensure that the relationship does not fade over time, but develops. There is no need to constantly prove to your other half that she herself is to blame for everything, even if this is true. It should be remembered that responsibility lies on the shoulders of both spouses.