Aggression from a psychological point of view. Perhaps it’s not a matter of aggression, but of resentment?

Content

• Hostility and its masks
• How to understand that you have become a victim and recognize hidden aggression?
• How to resist aggression?

Greetings, dear readers! Have you ever felt discomfort when being around friends, colleagues or family members? I'll bet a dollar on something that has happened more than once. Want to know why this happens? Some people tend to be hostile towards others. Sometimes to everyone at once, sometimes selectively, sometimes intentionally, and often following the lead of the games of the subconscious.

Sometimes we are faced with explosive aggression (anger), and sometimes with hidden hostility. How do you understand that you are a victim of aggression and how to deal with it? This is what we will talk about today.

hostility When describing perfectionism, I mentioned hostility. Let's understand the psychological concept. What is hostility in psychology? Not a feeling, a state that includes anger, hostility, rejection, hatred, anger, including suppressed anger, vindictiveness, desire for harm to another. Since there is a lot of anger behind hostility, I again offer a metaphorical image. Imagine a reactor that produces energy to heat your home. The hostility reactor consumes a lot of energy, but heats a minimum of apartments. Where does the energy go? A person consumed by hostile feelings often replays a conflict situation in his mind, carries on a long internal conversation with the offender, imagines how he will take revenge, and wishes him harm. Such internal “life” requires a lot of mental strength and takes a lot of energy.

Sometimes hostility is a response to an irrational thought inherent in an individual: “Everyone wants to harm me.” If you expect evil from others in advance, then you must always be ready to fight back, to attack and reflect evil intentions, and to be in a fighting stance. It is as if a person is preparing a state of hostility in advance in order to respond to perceived evil.

About 40 years ago, an American psychiatrist conducted a study to study the relationship between hostility and cardiovascular diseases. The result is a positive correlation, meaning the higher a person's level of hostility, the more severe their heart disease. It seems that people with hostility should remember this result even today.

How does hostility manifest itself? Hostile reactions are noticeable in an individual’s behavior, his relationships with other people, and emotional manifestations.

The behavior of a person with hostility is filled with aggression. Aggression is not only physical actions: hitting, beating, fighting. Aggressiveness is hidden behind external courage, scandalous behavior, an unpleasant manner of behavior, a tendency to conflicts, showdowns, and the habit of challenging other people's opinions.

Emotionally, hostility has a basis in anger and malice, and it is logical that there is a lot of suppressed anger in it. Sometimes the question: “Why are you angry?” It is difficult for a person with severe hostility to find a reason. Someone says that he is characterized by a quick temper, someone recalls the temperament of a choleric person, someone declares that sometimes he breaks down and then pulls himself together, someone explains personal anger and irritation by the frantic pace of life, chronic fatigue.

In the area of ​​relationships, people with hostility are known as cynics. A cynic is a person who is characterized by cynicism. How does cynicism manifest itself? A cynic is confident in his superiority over others, devalues ​​good undertakings, does not believe in the possibility of normal human relationships, does not adapt to others, is hostile against everyone, does not respond to feedback in the form of comments and criticism, disdains the norms of public morality, cultural values. In relations with other people, one can see his tactlessness, shamelessness, rudeness and harshness in his statements, permissiveness

Hostility is a destructive state. Hostile people are easily irritated over trifles that few people pay attention to.

A health-threatening condition that takes aim at the heart, like suppressed anger. Today, risk factors for cardiovascular diseases are smoking, excessive obesity, alcohol, high cholesterol, and unfavorable socio-economic conditions. This psychological phenomenon can be added to them.

Regarding the formation of an angry state, there is a single point of view: some researchers talk about a bad habit, while others look for a connection with one or more painful experiences in a person’s childhood.

Psychologist Galina Gorbunova

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Hostility and its masks

Very often, when becoming victims of hostility, a person is not aware of it. You may ask: “What is the threat of such manifestations if we still don’t notice them?” I will explain, the hidden negativity that others pour out on us may not reach our understanding, but it will inevitably penetrate our subconscious. Then we feel depressed, uncomfortable, insecure, and can follow the lead of the aggressors, preventing the development of our potential and suppressing our own dignity. It shouldn't be this way.

Hostility is, in psychology, the emotional state of a person who wants to take control of people who do not meet his expectations.

Let's look at a more accessible and simpler example. The mother-in-law is deeply convinced that the daughter-in-law should not work. Her ideas about an ideal wife are based on decorating the house, running the household and caring for her beloved son. While the daughter-in-law wants to build a career, while coming to absolute agreement and understanding with her husband. Whenever she is with her daughter-in-law, the mother-in-law will express dissatisfaction, hint that the daughter-in-law is not good enough for her son, a bad housewife, mother, wife, and so on.

How does such hostility manifest itself if not through direct attack? Hints, non-verbal signals (smirks, sighs, rolling eyes, shaking the head) and many other ways to send the poor daughter-in-law “enveloping” aggression, as Sam Vakin would say, and invade her personal boundaries.

So what is hostility like? It happens under the guise of hidden aggression, or through “open fire.” I described what to do if you are faced with “open fire” in the article “How to deal with aggressive behavior and in which cases correction is not needed.”

Hostility-Aggression-Anger (VAH syndrome)

VAG syndrome Hostility
is a feeling of hostility.
Enmity is relationships and actions imbued with hatred. Aggression
is a feeling of hostility, expressing sharp disagreement, a desire to object, to attack.
Anger
is a feeling of strong indignation, indignation.
Anger
(from Russian pus, fester) is an affect of rage, rage with a narrowing of the sphere of consciousness and insufficiently or not at all controlled aggressive actions; a tendency to anger reactions can be caused by psychopathic and toxic brain damage, a manic state, psychosis, epilepsy (V.A. Zhmurov, p. 130),

The feeling of anger and indignation was already described by Darwin, who considered anger as an adaptive reaction in both animals and humans (Darwin, 1896). The first psychological interpretation of anger appears in the works of S. Freud, who considered anger in the context of aggression as a manifestation of the self-destructive death instinct. Anger is a stimulation that irritates a person, as a primary reaction to interference with the search for pleasure and avoidance of pain. Find out how destructive and dangerous anger is, perhaps by assessing anger in a certain adequacy of the current situation. D. Watson considered anger an innate reaction to obstacles and restrictions on the path to the realization of an impulse as a condition for the occurrence of provoking aggressive behavior. “L. Berkwitz (Berkwitz, 1990) after many years of research on anger problems came to the conclusion that annoying stimulation itself is a source of anger. He proves that exposure to unpleasant events (high or low temperature, bad smells, constantly repeating dirty, obscene scenes) causes unpleasant sensations in a person, or negative affect, which is a direct activator of anger. Challenging cognitive theories of emotional activation, Berkowitz provides evidence that the emotion of anger can be activated directly, only through irritating stimulation and negative affect, without previous evaluative or attributional processes. Only then, once activated, is it reinforced by cognitive processes. So, for example, you are unlikely to plunge into the abyss of anger if you are irritated by the heat, but you will be told in time that you can take a dip in cool water. The promise of quick relief from pain can have the same effect. Berkowitz developed his theory of the cognitive associationist model, which suggests that anger is associated through a network of associations with specific thoughts and memories (for example, aggressive plans and fantasies), as well as with motor and physiological reactions. Activation of any of the components of this associative network, including a negative aspect

, angry feelings, thoughts, memories, causes activation of all other components.
It was also noted that even non-cognitively activated (for example, pain) anger can be moderated by subsequent processes of cognitive evaluation and attribution”[p.242. Carol E. Izard. Psychology of emotions]. The source of anger can also be the thought of a mistake, injustice or undeserved insult. …Chronic pain can lead to fear and anxiety, as well as sadness and depression. But anger sometimes performs adaptive functions and weakens fear and gives strength and determination (“will”). Feelings of guilt sometimes soften the manifestation of negative emotions of anger and help overcome horror. Anger, like any other emotion, can be activated by: 1) actions, 2) thoughts and 3) feelings. As preconditions for anger, people most often name stupid, thoughtless actions, socially unapproved actions that cause harm to others, as well as actions committed under the influence of other people. Note that some of these actions (for example, stupid actions) cause a person to feel anger towards himself, while others activate anger directed outward. Thoughts that can cause anger in a person are most often thoughts about injustice, mistake, deception, bad luck, disappointment and thoughts that people do not like or condemn you (shame) [pp. 243-248., there same]. Anger is the emotional component of hostility and aggression. Charles Spielberg and his colleagues consider it necessary to talk about the HAG (Hostility-Aggression-Anger)
, because hostility as a personality trait represents a set of tendencies that motivates aggressive behavior and serves as the basis and prerequisite for anger.
Psychologists distinguish between anger as a short-term state and anger as a tendency to anger. Anger as a state
consists of subjective experiences varying in intensity from mild irritation to intense rage or rage, a state accompanied by excitation of the autonomic nervous system.
Anger, as a
temperamental trait, is defined in terms of the frequency of experiencing anger over time. People with anger perceive a wide range of situations as anger-provoking (irritating, annoying, frustrating). I often call such people “hot heads” and they experience anger-temperament. There are people who suppress their anger and it remains inside them (internal anger), this means that among people there are differences in angry reactions: i.e. “outwardly angry”, while others are “internally angry”. Outwardly angry (slamming doors and indirectly criticizing the flesh to the point of physical attacks). And people who are internally angry suppress their anger when faced with injustice or obstacles (in conscious suppressed anger). Such people can remain calm outwardly. Many people can feel angry, feel like they are verbally expressing anger, feel like they are physically expressing anger [p. 167-173, G. Breslav. Psychology of emotions].

Anger receives a negative emphasis in part because it is often mistakenly associated with violence. “In fact, many aggressive behaviors occur without any anger,” notes Howard Cassinove, Ph.D., co-author of R. Chip Taffret, Ph.D., Anger Management: A Complete Treatment Guide for the Practitioner (Impact, 2002). But a number of studies show that where anger typically plays out—especially on the domestic front—is often beneficial. “When you look at everyday episodes of anger rather than more dramatic ones, the results are usually positive,” says James Averill

, Ph.D., is a psychologist at the University of Massachusetts Amherst whose research on everyday anger in the 1980s found that angry episodes helped strengthen relationships about half the time, according to a community sample. Anger in this regard turns out to be an emotion of social conflict and serves as a component of all human states. It is interesting that the main destructive force in social relationships is not anger, but expressions of contempt, frequent complaints, defensiveness, withdrawal (detachment) and stubbornness. Anger can be an expression of personality and does not necessarily harm relationships.

What to do if anger destroys us?

Some psychologists believe that it is necessary to create a situation. which would help release this powerful energy. Any physical activity will help, while simultaneously speaking your feelings out loud (verbalization of the throat block). “Tear, scream, swear at your offender in a fictitious situation.” Because for our psyche it doesn’t matter whether everything happens in reality or in a fictitious situation.

There is nothing wrong with anger as such. Anger is part of our life; he comes and goes. But when you suppress it, it becomes a problem. You go on accumulating it. Then it is no longer a matter of coming and going; anger becomes your being; You're not just angry; you're ready to snap at any minute. You do things about which you will later say: “I was not like myself.” Suppressed anger turns into temporary insanity. You can't control yourself, you're overwhelmed with anger. It's beyond you - you feel helpless, you can't do anything, anger comes out. Although such a person may not be angry, he lives in anger. Humanity on Earth is divided into two species. The first one, the sad one, looks very downcast. The other, angry type is seething with anger. This guy is ready to explode for any reason. Anger is active sadness; sadness is passive anger. These are two aspects of the same thing (p.118). Sad people, completely helpless. They can't find someone to take out their anger on. Higher up the ladder of life, people are angry. The further, the more. And vice versa. Down the stairs the people are sadder. Anger and sadness are two aspects of the same repressed energy. People who get angry and forget about it the next moment are good people. They are energetic, loving, friendly, compassionate. People who constantly restrain their emotions and control themselves can hardly be called good. They try to show that they are better than they are. But there is anger in their eyes. He is in their faces, in their every gesture - in their conversations, their behavior, their gait. They are seething with anger. They are ready to explode at any moment. They are murderers, criminals, real villains. A person who lives in the present moment is angry, happy, sad. He doesn't carry everything within himself. A person who controls himself and does not allow emotions to show. dangerous. He won't get angry if you insult him; he can restrain himself. Soon he will accumulate so much anger that he will do something really bad. Osho writes that he is not against anger, but he is against the accumulation of anger. A reaction that extends from the past is a disease.

Author N.I. Kozlov How to overcome attacks of anger

Anger is targeted aggression through open direct pressure on a partner. The world is hostile. Anger is usually expressed by an energetic, powerful scream. Anger is direct targeted aggression. Related concepts

• Indignation is a burst of energy expressing strong feelings, active dissatisfaction, indignation and vivid emotional protest. Outrage is surprise and rage. The word “indignation” is used by people to describe a variety of experiences: resentment and anger, envy and jealousy...
• Anger is a state when you want to kill everyone, ruin everything, destroy, destroy, take revenge. More politely, this state is called anger.
• Resentment is an alternation of protest, accusations, aggression and experiences of suffering, used to attract attention and put pressure on a partner.
• Rage is an advanced degree of anger, an extreme form of anger.

What are we angry about?
Anger is caused by a wide range of situations - those that a person evaluates as outrageous, ugly, terrible, inappropriate. The Meaning of Anger Anger is done to induce fear, shame and submission. Anger tends to create negative motivation in the person it is directed at. At the same time, anger worsens relationships. How anger is made Facial expressions and plasticity: an angry person is aggressive. The eyebrows are lowered and brought together, there are vertical folds between the eyebrows. The upper eyelids are tense, the lower eyelids are tense and raised. The mouth is closed, lips are compressed. The jaw is moved forward, the movements are sharp, in order to capture space. The eyebrows are drawn together, the voice is usually raised or, on the contrary, ostentatiously quiet. Internal text. Why are they all freaks kidding me! (option: this is unfair!) Picture situation: The world is evil, but not very strong - it’s not scary to fight with it. People are evil and vile. Holding in and venting anger Is holding in anger harmful? Most likely, yes, although not very harmful. Psychologist Carol Tavris, who once wrote a whole book about anger, argues that by throwing out our anger - something that many other psychologists call for - we usually only make the situation worse. In her rather thorough review of the literature, she argues that suppressed anger “does not lead in any predictable or consistent way to depression, stomach ulcers or high blood pressure, or causes binge eating or heart attacks... Repressed anger is not likely to lead to any medical consequences.” consequences if we feel in control of the situation that causes our anger, if we interpret anger as a manifestation of a grievance that needs to be corrected rather than as an emotion that needs to be locked in, if we feel committed to our work and the people in our lives.” Is venting anger harmful? It can be very harmful if you take it out on those who caused your anger. Dealing with Anger Anger is energy, and in some cases that energy can be used beneficially. If anger is inappropriate and destructive, it is advisable to throw it out in a safe direction and breathe. There are many other ways to work with anger. Attacks of anger are an unpleasant thing both for the person himself and for those around him. How to learn to relieve attacks of anger, is it possible, in principle, to change your character, become a calmer and more restrained person? Sometimes you can. What doesn't help? There is little point in dealing with temper tantrums while you are tense. Anger “feeds” on your tension, and the more you tense up in the fight against it, the more your anger strengthens. Instead of fighting anger, try to relax, this will give a much better effect. Shaming and reproaching yourself for anger seems natural, but it does not change the situation. “Does a smart and mature person like me get offended?” - the phrase is weak, it doesn’t help to cope with anger, and it increases internal discontent: after all, if I continue to be angry, then I’m not smart and not an adult... Just noting for yourself: “I’m very angry” is more useful, it gives you the opportunity to start further act. Change your character? - This is real In the film “The Human Mind,” Sean Carroll began to train restraint, overcame attacks of rage and changed his character. In all seriousness, in order for you to stop having attacks of anger, you need to change your character to become calm and restrained. Sometimes it seems unrealistic, incredible, impossible, but it is not so. Character is a set of habits, and habits can be changed. If you set yourself this task and start training calm reactions, you will succeed. Please note: Sean Carroll's behavior was videotaped and was actually very helpful. He knew that TV crews were filming the experiment with him, his wife regularly asked about his successes, every evening he copied the data from the video onto his flash drive... The situation was built in such a way that Sean did not forget about his intention, and this is what helped him. He didn’t forget - he did it - he succeeded. What will you do to ensure that you remember your intention to respond in a more contained, calmer way? If you are a serious person and understand that you need to cope with attacks of anger, practice the “Calm Presence” exercises more often. As an option, go through the situation that causes anger in a relaxed manner beforehand. And it’s better to have a positive background.. It’s always useful to master auto-training, develop an understanding of people and a friendly attitude towards people. What helps situationally? Until you have seriously resolved the issue, it is always worth looking for what will help you situationally. It helps - a lot, but what will help you in a specific situation - you need to look for it. Consider options: Shifting attention. If you are distracted, you are already half calm. The whole question is how to distract yourself? It helped Sean Carroll think about what was going on in his brain right now, how to help his frontal lobes turn off the activity of the amygdala. Someone begins to look at their anger from the outside: what is it like? What does it look like? Where is it concentrated? Usually an emotion has a center - fear, for example, lives in the throat and shoulders. Find the location of your anger and try to relax those muscles that are tense. It’s unlikely that you’ll be able to cool down instantly - say phrases that will calm you down: Short ones at first (Sorry. I lost my temper.). Then take a break and pause. Then continue: more calmly. Often people make noise and rage until they figure out what happened. Take your time. Try to understand whether your anger has a basis and whether there are better ways to respond than anger. Stop beating yourself up. Relax, report what happened, calculate the real damage from what happened - preferably in hard currency. What's next? Hint: Anger often takes the form of resentment or is an element of it, so working with anger has a lot of overlap with and is similar to working with resentment. Accordingly, begin to sort it out in the same way as the grounds for grievance are sorted out. To quickly normalize your condition, put your body in order. Once upon a time, it’s enough to get out of the stupor and shake yourself up. Sometimes it’s best to put on your sneakers and run to the stadium: after an hour’s run it will become easier, a walk in the fresh air changes your internal state, and if after that you can lie down, relax, or even more so sleep, you will wake up in a calm state. Outburst and switching of anger If you feel that today you are ready to break down because anger is overwhelming you, then look for an opportunity to speak, shout, throw out your anger, or react in one way or another. One of the simplest and most common procedures is to release anger in a safe direction. The Chinese often start their morning by running up the nearest mountain (a small wooded hill) and screaming at the top of their lungs for 5-10 minutes, splashing out their anger and aggression. Afterwards, cleansed, happy and smiling, they run down the hill... Important - it doesn’t always work, it doesn’t last long and it doesn’t help everyone. All this does not solve the issue as a whole, rage will arise again, but in a specific situation you will be able to calm yourself down. For a start, this is good, but then think again about adjusting your character as a whole.

An outburst of emotion is the release of excess emotional energy in speech, expression and actions. This is a free, without internal control and obstacles, energetic throwing out of negativity and releasing emotional tension. Screaming your anger, swearing from the heart, hitting or kicking the offender are options for an outburst of emotions. Strictly speaking, throwing out joy in laughter or wide hugs is also here, but usually by the outburst of emotions they mean an outburst of negative emotions, or more precisely, an outburst (discharge) of real or imaginary aggression. Unlike an emotional response, an outburst of emotions does not mean either deep awareness, living with, or solving the problem that caused the emotion. How to deal with the splashing out of negative emotions? The outburst of negative emotions should be treated with caution. In the psychological literature, there is often a recommendation: “If you are angry and you are overwhelmed with aggression, do not suppress it in yourself, find a way to defuse it. Throw it out in words, throw it out in actions, and you will feel better.” This is both true and false. It's true that now

the outburst will most likely make you feel better, and it’s not true that you should accustom yourself to this method.
Developed, mentally healthy and emotionally mature people solve this issue without any problems. A realistically thinking person, who is accustomed to thinking first and not worrying, does not often experience violent negative emotions. For a well-mannered person, the negative emotions that arise do not turn into a storm, they are not difficult to cope with, they are completely manageable. There is no need to throw out anything to someone who is not inflaming himself, and what worries or enrages you can be spoken out. Restraint in behavior, the ability to restrain one’s negative feelings is an indicator of internal culture and good manners, a mandatory attribute of a business and simply successful person. If you don’t inflate emotions within yourself, then restraint in behavior and expression of your feelings is not at all harmful. How to treat the outburst of emotions by children
The outburst of emotions by children should be treated in the same way as the outburst of emotions by adults. Children still do not know how to manage themselves well, and children know how to manage their emotions better than adults, and future hysterical behavior should not be encouraged. What if it’s not you who are throwing out your emotions, but onto you? In short, first draw the person’s attention to what he is doing and ask him not to do it again. If he reacted to this normally, then help him with this, remind him and support him in his efforts. If he didn’t hear you and doesn’t want to hear you, then you need to prohibit him from doing so under the threat of breaking off the relationship. Another thing is that most women are cowards and never do this, but that’s another question. If you need help from a consultant, write to

How to understand that you have become a victim and recognize hidden aggression?

Hidden aggression is a derogatory attitude that puts pressure on a person and affects his sovereignty. The goal of the aggressor is usually to manipulate and control the victim. In the article “How to Stop Manipulating Yourself,” I help you create the right line of behavior. But in order to begin to form it, you need to understand whether you really have become a victim. Here are the most common signs of disguised aggression:

• unflattering comparisons (“you’re like that crocodile from the joke”);
• sarcasm (“where should we go, you know this better than anyone”);
• command tone (“do as you are told”);
• comments (“you’re doing it wrong” “everyone should know this”);
• condescension (“come on, didn’t you know about such simple things?”);
• generalization (“well, everything is as usual with you”);
• boasting (“I would have finished everything long ago”);
• reminder of failure (“it will happen again like that time”);
• false sympathy (“hold on, otherwise you look just terrible”);
• facial expressions and gestures (the same ones that our mother-in-law used).

Acceptance and hostility

Emotions can be divided into simple and complex. A simple emotion has only one sensual connotation: either pleasure or pain. Complex emotions combine elements of both pleasure and pain. Sadness and compassion, for example, are complex emotions. Two or more emotions can combine to form a more complex response. In particular, resentment combines anger and fear. Value judgments are often superimposed on a particular feeling, giving rise to what I call a conceptual emotion. This category includes guilt, shame and vanity.

Subtle emotional reactions of a person sometimes cannot be determined at all. It is impossible to describe in words all the shades of feelings that a person is capable of experiencing. It is not my intention to analyze every possible emotional reaction. However, some of them are important for understanding human personality. It is on these feelings that we will focus our attention.

There are two pairs of simple, opposite emotions. The first pair are fear and anger; the second is love and hate. Between the poles of the second pair are all the feelings that can be grouped under the headings “acceptance” and “hostility.” Basically, these feelings characterize our attitude towards other people, although we can talk about love and hatred in relation to objects and situations.

Acceptance is an attitude towards the world and other people, accompanied by a positive attitude and pleasant expectations. It is expressed in the body as an expansive reaction: as a result of the expansion of peripheral blood vessels, blood flows to the surface of the body. This brings a physical sensation of warmth. The feeling of acceptance is characterized by such warmth. When talking about a person we like, we use the expression “warm relationship.” There are other physical manifestations of pleasure. The muscles become soft and relaxed, the heartbeat slows down, the pupils narrow, and so on.

The heat is concentrated mainly in the skin, which is abundantly saturated with blood. The result is a desire for physical contact with the person who is the object of these feelings. This contact could be a handshake, a hug or a kiss. All tender feelings have an erotic quality and serve as an expression of the erotic impulse, or Eros. The erotic component of acceptance can be recessive*[20] or dominant. It is recessive in the case of friendly relationships and is dominant in sexual relationships. A pronounced erotic component is the result of a high degree of arousal focused on the erotic zones. There is also abundant blood flow to these areas.

Opposite feelings - namely those that can be designated as hostile - are also caused by the flow of blood, but moving in the opposite direction. There is an outflow of blood from the surface of the body, which causes a feeling of cold. All hostile feelings are characterized by coldness. A hostile person represses any warm feelings and becomes completely cold towards the other person. He loses all erotic desire, and the idea of ​​physical contact becomes disgusting to him. All hostile feelings are therefore tantamount to renunciation of feelings.

Neither acceptance nor hostility carries an aggressive attitude. Aggression is a function of the muscular system, which almost does not manifest itself in situations where the above-mentioned feelings arise. Although an aggressive component is often mixed into these feelings, translating them into concrete actions. For example, in the case of sexual interaction, such an addition is necessary in order for sexual intercourse to occur. When the element of aggression is combined with a hostile feeling, it results in an attack or attack, and this is different from a purely hostile reaction - characterized by coldness and indifference.

The word “aggressive” in the psychological sense is opposed to passivity. Aggression means movement towards a person or object, while the word “passive” means inhibition of such movement. A person can be aggressively hostile or aggressively accepting, just as he can be passive in expressing hostility or acceptance. Obviously, the word "active" cannot be used in this context as the opposite of passive, since it lacks the connotation of direction or purpose. An aggressive tennis player is determined to win, while an active player may not have such a goal.

A discussion and comparison of concepts such as friendliness and unfriendliness, as well as love and hatred will help demonstrate the polarity of feelings of acceptance and hostility.

Friendliness distinguishes our feelings towards a person whose preferences, opinions and attitudes are similar to our own, from the feelings we have towards a stranger. You can share pleasures with a friend. A person does not dare to do this with strangers. However, with every act of shared pleasure, the stranger becomes a friend.

The restraint demonstrated in relation to a stranger is clearly manifested in the behavior of older children. A small child who has not yet developed a sense of “I” does not differentiate among his peers. On the other hand, a newcomer in an already formed group of children will be treated with caution, and he himself will not dare to immediately approach the children. For some time he will observe their activities from a certain distance, gradually coming closer. When they get a little used to his presence, one of the children can invite him to join the general game. When this happens, it can be considered accepted.

An outsider becomes a violator of the peace and harmony that reigns in an already united group. Its presence may interfere with the usual expression of feelings and exchanges of impressions among group members, and therefore may cause some hostility or coldness. On the other hand, a stranger brings some novelty and excitement. Therefore, a certain interest arises in him, which will lead to the establishment of contact. Which of the two factors will most determine the reaction to the stranger depends on the characters of the group members. It is much easier for a confident person to accept a stranger than for an insecure person.

Friendliness toward strangers is more common among those who are pleasure-oriented than those who are obsessed with power. In general, we can say that when people feel good, they tend to be more receptive to strangers. Pleasure makes them friendly and open to new experiences. A stranger may be invited to a party, but in a company of people seeking power, he will most likely be persona non grata.

People who are dedicated to the struggle for power do not trust strangers and are afraid of them. When pleasure is absent, the stranger is often met with hostility and even hostility. Many years ago I saw a cartoon that vividly illustrated a similar situation. Two rich Welshmen stood in a field, looking with gloomy faces at the stranger approaching them.

- Do you know him, Bill? - asked the first one.

“No,” answered the second Welshman.

“Throw a stone at him,” said the first.

Treating strangers hospitably is part of the teaching of the Judeo-Christian tradition, as well as several others. Modern civilization, with its limitless possibilities for travel and communication, it would seem, should destroy existing barriers between people. But only the appearance of this process is created. Under the mask of cordiality and cordiality with which a tourist is greeted, one can always notice hidden restraint and coldness towards a stranger on the part of people whose life is devoid of joy.

Chasing a stranger is an expression of hatred rather than simply unfriendliness. Being a suitable object for hostile feelings, he easily becomes the target of repressed hatred, the origins of which go back to painful experiences of childhood. People project onto a stranger those deep hostile feelings that were originally directed at parental figures, but were suppressed under the influence of guilt. The stranger becomes a scapegoat upon whom all hostile feelings can be poured out. Such transference usually receives social approval and is easily rationalized by the ego. The hostility with which a stranger is greeted may disappear on closer acquaintance, but it would be a mistake to believe that hatred of a stranger can be overcome by education and instruction.

Repressed hatred requires therapeutic work that can help release it. First, some form of analytical technique is needed that can bring repressed material into consciousness. Secondly, you need to work through and release the guilt that helps keep hostile feelings suppressed. And third, some means must be provided for the physical expression of hostility under controlled conditions to allow the underlying physical tensions to be discharged. When this happens, the person's ability to experience pleasure is restored, and "good feelings" become the body's natural state.

Love and hate are a well-known pair of opposites. You can well imagine how opposite they are if you remember that hatred is frozen love, that is, love that has turned to ice. When love turns to hate, it is not due to simple disappointment. Since love is based on the expectation of pleasure, in the absence of it it simply slowly fades. The rejected lover feels resentment, but not hatred. Hatred arises as a consequence of betrayal. If a person made a declaration of love that was accepted by another, then his heart opens completely, he completely trusts himself to another. Betraying his trust is like stabbing a knife in the heart. Betrayal causes a shock in a person, which paralyzes all his actions and blocks all feelings. This is similar to how foods are flash frozen, stopping all internal biochemical processes.

Only betrayal can turn a feeling of acceptance into hostility. Betrayal of friendship turns a positive feeling into hostility. As a result of the betrayal of trust, acceptance turns into hostility. The degree of hostility, accordingly, turns out to be proportional to the intensity of positive feelings invested in the relationship.

Feelings of sympathy and goodwill bring people together and create a true spirit of community, so that each person is concerned about the welfare of the other. Love is especially characterized by mutual care and mutual dependence. A person in love accepts his beloved into his heart and at the same time gives his heart to him. It is quite understandable why betrayal has such consequences. It causes a deep wound that heals very slowly and leaves a scar for life.

The most serious thing is the betrayal of a child by a parent, especially by a mother. A small child is not only completely dependent on his mother, but also completely open to her. The mother betrays him when she expresses hostility towards him or behaves destructively. As a result, the child has a feeling that he is not loved. Showing anger has no such consequences. Anger is a direct, open feeling that actually shows interest. Hostility towards a child is a completely different matter. Hostility is never biologically justified, since the child is an extension of the mother. This is an expression of the mother's hatred of herself and the transference of that hostility, the source of which was the betrayal of the woman by her own mother.

Hostility toward a child usually occurs when the child no longer conforms to the parent's image of what a child should be. This image is also their unconscious, idealized image of their own self. If the child fails to live up to this image, the parent feels betrayed. The feeling of being betrayed turns parental affection into hostility, which subsequently causes a negative reaction in the child. This creates a vicious circle from which neither the parent nor the child finds a way out. Such an unfortunate situation can be avoided if parents clearly understand that their child, like any living being, is guided in his behavior by the sole principle of pleasure. Raising a child into a future member of a civilized society requires a creative approach based on the recognition of this principle - if we are to avoid the destructive consequences of parental hostility.

Hate contains within itself the possibility of love. If, for example, the betrayal is forgiven, then the person thaws and the flow of his feelings resumes. This often happens in the later stages of therapy. At the very beginning of therapy, each patient gradually becomes aware of repressed hostility or hatred towards his parents, caused by their betrayal. These negative feelings are then released as described above. After the release of all tensions and the emergence of positive feelings, the patient can accept the fact that the mother's behavior was determined by her own upbringing and can forgive her. He now experiences genuine affection for his mother instead of the forced love with which he was burdened. Hatred gradually gives way to love also outside of therapeutic sessions, when an honest exchange of feelings and genuine reconciliation occurs.

There are also cases where the initial reaction of hatred was spontaneously replaced by love. This development of events can be explained by the fact that a strong attraction has always existed, but its flow was hampered by the fear of betrayal. This fear can be expressed as follows: “If I allow myself to love you, you will turn away from me and hurt me, so I hate you.” As the feeling of fear decreases in further contacts, love blossoms. Fear of betrayal can also be hidden behind excessive jealousy, causing a person to watch every step of a loved one with suspicion.

How to get rid of hidden hostility

After a number of publications of fairy tales about emotions, we received a question: “ How to get rid of hidden hostility? “The emotion “hidden hostility” is described in the fairy tale “Kolobok”. The emotion is dangerous because it is hidden.

The good news is that if you're asking yourself this question, it means you're not harboring hidden hostility . A good test for this emotion is that the person will not admit that he has hidden hostility. There will be a stream of lies, justifying hostile actions as exemplary and good. If the person in hidden hostility is smart, everything will look logical. But you won’t get a confession of hostility from him

There is a HUGE difference in

• automatically act under the influence of the emotion “hidden hostility”
• detect a strong urge to yell at someone, hold back destructive, useless anger and still sort out the situation.

There are people who act like hidden hostility, like “robots.” They did not become “robots” because of a good life, and if you suppress them, the hostility will become even more hidden. And it will be even more difficult to recognize such people. This means they will do more harm.

Therefore, you can truly deal with people in hidden hostility only

1. Correctly recognize
2. Confirm and recognize the good in their communication (speech, appearance, and actions).

Sometimes non-communication helps, but this is not a solution - it is only a temporary measure.

An example of recognizing possible hidden hostility:

Vasya observed that Petya:

1. Often takes other people's things without asking (combs, mice, documents, etc.)
2. Doesn’t finish things (and what he finishes is wrong)
3. Delivers bad news (there is an accident, there is war, there is murder, and everywhere there is hunger, disease and poverty...)
4. Messages are sent in the direction of deterioration (instead of “the director says hello” the message “the director hints that he remembers you” comes)
5. Often boasts about his misdeeds (since he does not consider them to be misdeeds).
6. Speaks in broad generalizations (everyone says that..., they think..., everyone knows... and so on - this makes it more difficult to figure out who did the harm).

Vasya decided that Petya might

hides hostility. Vasya remembers that Petya is not a maniac, but it’s just very difficult for him, so much so that he is ready to seriously harm hiddenly. And Vasya decides to confirm and recognize only the good from Petya’s communication.

An example of resolving possible hidden hostility

Petya comes to Vasya and says:

- Ha, I just took breakfast from Kolya - and he, the idiot, didn’t even notice. Gee, gee.

Vasya understands: this is both bad news, a deterioration of the message, theft, and boasting of a crime. He thinks: “What's good here? Yeah!” And says:

- Well, it’s great that you remember who you borrowed breakfast from. Surely without your help he would have disappeared. Let's go, let's return it.

Or, the next day Petya comes to Vasya and says:

– Everything is bad, my wife is sick, my children are sick. Even the dog is sick. No money, no happiness. There are only bastards around. Give me the money, I’ll give it back, I swear!

Vasya understands: a person’s sick environment is another sign of hidden hostility. Such people do not tell the truth and do not keep their promises. He decides - I won’t give you money. And he thinks, “What’s good about confirming this?” And says:

- The main thing is that you are healthy. And where there is health, there is hope.

“Yes, but the money...” Petya is trying to get his way.

- I'm sure you'll make money. If you want, we’ll think together about how to help you.

Someday, try this experiment with a person suspected of hidden hostility. Offer to help sincerely. You will be very surprised by his facial expressions. After all, he secretly harms everything and everyone in particular, because he considers help impossible.

Of course, in order to recognize and resolve FAST, you need to train. So – happy training!

It is possible to cope with hidden hostility!

It’s another matter when you yourself have difficultly restrained hostility towards someone. Naturally, in such a state it is difficult to come up with a constructive solution to the problem. You won’t believe it, but the solution is very similar to the steps already listed:

1. Recognize that you have animosity towards someone.
2. Find only good things in this person (speech, appearance, and actions).

Of course, hostility clouds the eyes. That's why it needs to be dealt with. Example:

How to deal with your hostility.

Vasya despises Feofan. Feofan did not return the magazine “Around the World” to him, did not say hello twice and in general - a monster and a degenerate!

Vasya discovers that he hates Feofan. He understands through gritted teeth: this needs to be settled, otherwise there will be no business. There will only be scandals, anger and a war of devastation. Vasya, having gathered all his strength, looks for the good in Feofan.

Naturally, at the beginning, all of Feofan is a vicious creature, a collection of sin. But then he notices:

1. Feofan, although a bastard, has a neat hairstyle.
2. Feofan, although a bastard, successfully completes what he is entrusted with. There is a lot to learn from him here.
3. Feofan mostly talks about good things and avoids talking about war and destruction.
4. Feofan conveys the messages exactly as he was told.
5. When Feofan messes up, he doesn’t brag about his failure, but tries to correct it.
6. Feofan does not take things without asking.
7. Feofan accurately indicates the source of information (Kolya said something then, Petya said something) and does not use broad generalizations.

At the end of his search for good things from Feofan, Vasily discovered that his anger had subsided. He began to think about how to establish communication in a good way.

Naturally, without training it is difficult to recognize and find the good. But it’s possible - and that means

You can deal with your hostility.

Be sure to write questions and observations in the comments!

• If you only see your kids on weekends...
• If my child is lying - “It’s not me!”
• Is there happiness in money? Why should you buy experiences rather than things?
• Is greed bad?
• Vital Coaching Skills
• How to get rid of hidden hostility (NOT) hidden hostility - get it!

Signs of Hostility

Friends, let's discuss something important: what determines people's relationships from the very beginning, from the first seconds of communication.

Usually people think that for the best relationships you just need to do good to people, take care of them. But you've probably encountered situations where you haven't done anything bad to a person, but he rushes at you with the anger and tenacity of a tank. Or, on the contrary, you’ve probably seen such situations: a person harms another, and that person forgives him and almost allows him to wipe his feet on himself (and this is not only about cases when they have known each other for a long time). Why?

No matter how much we praise the social abilities and capabilities of a person, initially in the perception of communication the main role is played by an important fundamental filter, which, probably, all living beings have: the distinction between “us” and “strangers”. And only then other mechanisms of “analysis of the interlocutor” are turned on (this is especially true for those people who do not burden themselves with any “stuff like self-development and applied psychology”). Perhaps you have noticed: if the interlocutor is hostile towards you, then any steps you take towards them are perceived as “enemy intrigues”. And vice versa, if the interlocutor is friendly towards you, then sometimes even the most critical mistakes are accompanied only by a reaction like “well, nothing happens to anyone.”

I just recently developed a complete (as it seems to me) picture of the signs of hostility. And I want to introduce them to you.

So what exactly triggers hostility in people?

First, the first sign is “ Dissimilarity ”:

What is otherness? - This is all that distinguishes you and your interlocutor: from your appearance and way of movement to your “different” views, as well as differences in voice timbre and speed of speaking, differences in the vocabulary used and taste preferences. So, if you come to the gala events of the Cannes festival in a tracksuit, perhaps they will let you in (if you are a super-famous person), but you will still get ragged. You will definitely get unfriendly looks on yourself. Or if you come to a biker meeting in a tuxedo, you’ll get the same bang for your buck. Why? - There’s no need to stand out.

Dissimilarity plays a special role in assessing cultural patterns if you want to structure your behavior in such a way as not to “unleash the dogs.” For example, why, when in Sinton many people get rid of the automatic frowning expression on their faces, do they immediately say that they suddenly begin to notice misunderstanding and some kind of aggressive attitude in those around them? Why, if I suddenly became friendlier and more smiling, if suddenly my face straightened out towards the interlocutor and frowns - why do I suddenly see sidelong glances addressed to me? Because if in this cultural sandbox (in a region, a city, a country) it is customary to walk around with a gloomy expression on your face, then the gloomy ones are “ours” (regardless of what kind of mood is hidden behind it), and if they are cheerful, then some "strangers". And therefore, oddly enough, you will find greater mutual understanding among compatriots only with a “decent” (i.e., habitual) frowning or serious facial expression, especially during short-term contact.

To be more precise, ideally, if we talk about shaping the attitude towards you on the street, you should be like the majority. And in order to get a good attitude from a specific person, you need to be like him. Then some kind of sympathy immediately arises. Precisely “some kind”, because the person himself cannot really explain it to himself, only later “judging” the arguments in favor of his sympathy.

Other signs of hostility are to be continued.