Virtual love and virtual relationships - how to consider the truth

Are online relationships and virtual love possible?

Greetings, friends! Internet relationships are evil ! Especially if they are old, strong, dear and bring wild pleasure. Therefore, if you are hooked on frivolous correspondence with virtual interlocutors, but do not intend to meet in real life, then read this article. It will be different, as Vladimir Vishnevsky wrote

... I downloaded it from the Internet here
love, wife and this Summer,
but didn’t click on “Save”...

I’ll say right away that I myself have pen pals, but they were never considered as candidates for a “relationship.” Real meetings, reactions to different situations, actions, and not just words have always been important to me. However, some of my friends met on social networks and now lead a family life together .

Their secret is simple - their virtual passion quickly grew into real meetings . They did not hang out in virtual love for years, did not avoid meeting each other, but at the first opportunity they transferred everything to the offline world and built real love. These are the stories with a happy ending (beginning?) offline

But some nuances are worth considering:

Fear of meeting in reality is normal. Your chosen one can really disappoint and push you away. But if you don’t see it, you won’t know. What if this is “the one” that you’ve been waiting for all your life?
Loving an image created on the Internet is one thing. It’s quite another to fall in love with a real person with real flaws. Complete rejection of each other at the first meeting is a clear sign that the relationship will not work out.
Disappointed with the appearance of your virtual lover? The muscles turned out to be not so prominent, and the smile not so snow-white? Thinking of running away on your first date? It means that you were not so fascinated by his inner world, since such a little thing could “knock you out of the saddle.” Maybe he’s not even an athlete at all, and he doesn’t have money for a luxury restaurant, but he will be the best dad in the world and the most caring husband. Be prepared for disappointment. Because there are no ideal people in the world.
You definitely shouldn’t meet outside of the virtual world if you don’t know anything about your “beloved ” except email, photo (which may not be his) and name.
Do you want to meet, but he constantly takes the conversation in a different direction? This means that either he has enough virtual relationships, or he is married, or he is afraid to reveal the real side of himself to you, or he is afraid to be disappointed in you.
If you don't want to disappoint a person, be sincere. Not too frank (after all, this is the Internet), but sincere. That is, don’t lie, don’t embellish reality, don’t add delicious charms, a smooth face and emerald eyes to yourself in Photoshop. Falsehood will never be the beginning of a strong union.
Get ready for the fact that the meeting may be the first and the last , and your “ideal” will not become your soul mate.
If you already have a family in reality , think a hundred times before destroying it because of a virtual romance. As a result, you may lose your family and be disappointed in virtual love.

Did the meeting go well? Are your emotions overwhelming? And this is “he”? This means that the Internet has given you a chance for happiness . Build relationships, love and enjoy life!

You - to me and I - to me

Any emotionally charged interactions between people are relationships, no matter whether they are online or in reality. But there is a huge difference between the former and the latter, especially if we are talking about feelings. Real relationships in life are the need to share your love energy with a person, when like network relationships, most often you only receive as much as possible.

And note, in the absence of physical and live contact, there are no obligations . How convenient! Therefore, the first thing I understood is that virtual love and virtual relationships are communication between a person and another, with the goal of easily and quickly making yourself feel good . I’ve been there myself, I know. At the age of 15-17, I got such a rush from correspondence with Artyom that I couldn’t tear myself away from the monitor. Emotions were off the charts and it was good. Sounds good, right? But what lies behind this and why does this happen? Let me explain in more detail.

What does online love give?

Online relationships can change your life because:

Invaluable experience is gained. Flirting with different partners teaches you to understand people, tune in to your interlocutor’s wavelength, and skillfully present yourself in a favorable light. The acquired skills of flexible communication with representatives of the opposite sex will definitely be useful in everyday life.
Dreams come true. You are not chosen, but you choose. There is no need to agree to a relationship with the first person you meet according to the principle “without fish, cancer will do.” It’s okay if all the eligible brides and grooms in the regional center have been dealt with. The search engine will offer candidates for your hand and heart without reference to place of residence: from Vologda to Venice. Knowledge of a foreign language erases borders and language barriers. The likelihood of finding a suitable candidate increases significantly.

Secret desires hidden in megabytes

When, due to various circumstances, a person suffers from low self-esteem, experiences loneliness, uncertainty, fear (which is very typical for teenagers or certain life situations, for example, moving to another country), he strives in different ways to get rid of unpleasant feelings and give himself pleasure. Accordingly, he chooses those methods where a person feels safe and his weaknesses are invisible to others .

The impersonal Internet is best suited for this. After all , in reality, you need to work hard to please yourself and others , build relationships and get a positive experience (get up, get dressed, put on makeup, wash your hair, take your body to the meeting place...), but on the Internet you can express any point of view , wear any comfortable mask and without consequences! Anonymity on the Internet is extremely convenient for many.

Moreover, it will not be difficult to meet someone and even fall in love. At the same time, the lack of at least some information about a living person is more than compensated for by fantasy and imagination. They will complete the image worthy of being loved.

It doesn’t matter that the partners don’t know anything about each other: how they react to different events, how they swear, how they laugh, how they treat women, parents, children, and so on. The important thing is that they give each other a phantom feeling of need, drive, vivid emotions and pleasure from discussing juicy, forbidden and simply interesting topics.

And when they part, they don’t have to scream, slam doors and pack things for moving. As one friend wrote: let’s stay with you at least online. Therefore, my second conclusion: since you cannot love a picture, you can only like it, there is no love on the Internet, and all feelings are underdeveloped. What a person feels, of course, is not fake emotions, but they are often fictitious and do not develop to the same extent as offline relationships do.

In virtual love, be interested in a real person

— Nowadays, when communication between people is increasingly transferred to the Internet, not only acquaintances, but also friendships (akin to the old pen pal friendship) and even the emergence of feelings occur more and more often there. This is what we call virtual love. In virtual relationships there is a main and clear advantage - it is speed and time saving. And quite a lot of minuses.

Let's start with why people go into this acquaintance, essentially blindly. Can we call the main reason for this behavior a lack of communication and acquaintances in reality? Or, do people entering into virtual relationships have their own special needs, weaknesses, which are the reason why they go for it?

— What pushes people into virtual relationships, into virtual love? The same as for ordinary love. But love, it turns out, comes in different types. True love is the need to “do good” to the object of your feelings. Having understood this, we can easily see in our relationships the presence of the opposite feeling - this is the need for us to feel good. That is, the need is not to give pleasure, but to receive it. This need is exacerbated in a person who really lacks something in life. This is not some kind of selfish, consciously taken consumer position: “I’ll pull from all the people” - no. This is what a person who feels bad does, simply due to his own internal emptiness - due to the depletion of a certain internal resource.

- Which resource exactly?

— This resource is the so-called self-acceptance. This is a feeling of self-sufficiency. When this resource is depleted, there is a feeling that I am “something wrong.” “When I go to bed on time, spend money only wisely, don’t be late for anything, don’t let anyone down - then, probably, I deserve to be rewarded, to be taken into account, etc. But now this is not the case yet. Nowadays, I can and do puncture myself at any moment. Therefore, today I am, as such, “something is not right” - well, speaking loudly, “I am bad.”

This feeling is not stimulating at all, very depressing. Few people sincerely understand this about themselves and say “I’m bad” - of course not. This is experienced in the form of a feeling of melancholy, uncertainty, loss, loneliness - what is generally called discomfort. And the more acute the discomfort, the more acute the need to please oneself—to make oneself comfortable. People, driven by this feeling, this unsatisfaction, embark on a love search. They may outwardly look like womanizers, philanderers - if we are talking about men - who easily pick up women, as if they do not take them into account. In fact, they are looking for someone who will truly accept me for who I am today - they are looking for unconditional acceptance.

How is virtual search and “virtual love” different from what happens in real space? On the Internet, this is much easier to maintain, because virtual relationships are unloaded from a large number of important personal manifestations - any kind of relationship of obligation. There are no facial expressions, intonation...

— If a person considers himself “bad,” it’s probably easier for him on the Internet to present himself as “good” to his interlocutor?

- No, not quite like that. Everyone easily presents themselves as good in personal communication - they tell only good things about themselves, they are kind. But in order to really communicate at a table or on the street, or in an apartment, much more is required of me as a partner than on the Internet. I must look good, I must be on the rise, I must not look with a downcast, sad look. But in the virtual all this is not visible - and therefore there is less risk. If I write something impudent, at worst, they won’t answer me, or they will answer me with something, but they won’t shout at me, they won’t slap me in the face, they won’t make me the hero of a scandal.

- What exactly is such a person afraid of?

- He is afraid of being judged. He is afraid that some glaring wrong will be pointed out to him. Moreover, he is afraid that they will correctly point her out to him.

— Aren’t virtual lovers afraid of the development of these relationships? After all, the natural development is their real meeting.

- Afraid. People are afraid of the transition from the virtual plane to the real one and can gush and fantasize as much as they want in correspondence, but they are in no hurry to actually meet in life - due to the same fear.

This is pure drug, strictly speaking. This is a narcotic pleasure. I really want it not to dry out. And as soon as we actually meet in life, it turns out that she is waiting for me to be nice to her, for me to ask her about her circumstances, otherwise she will be offended that I only mean relationships below the belt. It's all tiring...

— What development of these relationships is acceptable, at least on a subconscious level, for such people?

— Continuation of such narcotic virtual pleasure. They wait all day long - they can’t wait until the evening when they can finally run to the computer and again send a note, receive a note, or send some pornographic SMS during an important meeting. They sit on this needle.

- And what are they waiting for - acceptance?

- No no no. There is no expectation of acceptance in this relationship. Because in these relationships he communicates not with some real person whom he imagines, but with an imaginary one.

- What does he get from this?

- Purely narcotic pleasure: “Well, she agrees to discuss with me how they have sex there.” These are such itchy-nice topics...

Neither of the corresponding parties has any intention of truly delving into the life and circumstances of the other person. Therefore, none of them receive real acceptance here. Neither does it suggest nor does it mean. Just like two drug addicts who shoot or snort together do not assume that they are gaining any self-acceptance in their relationship.

- Does it follow from this that they prefer to talk than to listen in this communication?

- Exactly.

— You say that unhealthy virtual relationships are associated with intimate communication, and you interpret this as precisely intimate communication below the belt. But this is not always exactly the case. After all, these people, suffering from dislike, want not only and not even so much, let’s say, some kind of sexual arousal. Often they are looking for some kind of understanding and, as it seems to them, quite sincere communication.

— This difference, which you are right about, is more pronounced between men and women. Women in their virtual and therefore not very benign relationships, acquaintances, connections - they really have a greater interest in the everyday side of communication. They still treat their partner as a consumer. They feel the need to speak out, to be heard, to be supported, to be sympathized with, etc. And they are trying to implement all this on more everyday matter. They tell you where they went, what they like, what they watched, how they dressed, what colors they prefer. And men, of course, place more emphasis on the sexual component of relationships. This is not mathematics, it is not one hundred percent like this on one side and the other, but, undoubtedly, these are the trends.

— Can you give us any experience stories?

“I remember a patient, a forty-something woman, married, with children, who loves her husband very much. She speaks about him with great respect, with sincere delight: “This is my happiness,” “This is my only light in the window,” etc. At the same time, she began a correspondence on Odnoklassniki with a random person she did not know, whose photo she really liked. So she says: “Simply fabulously beautiful, some ancient biblical king, handsome, extraordinary.” And a correspondence began. And he was happy to abuse this readiness - both the correspondence and the relationship instantly slipped into sexual-erotic ones. She says: “At first it offended me that he seemed not to be interested in anything else, but was always talking about bed and bed.” And then it bothered her, and she also felt that she was simply obsessed with this, she really needed it. And she made it clear to him in no uncertain terms, to her virtual partner, that she really wanted to meet and wanted full sex, not virtual sex.

And he, being a typical hero of our discussions, was in no hurry with this. All this virtual entertainment and correspondence was enough for him. But in real life - well, she doesn’t know whether he didn’t need it, or he was afraid of responsibility, or, I don’t know, what else - well, in general, he didn’t cooperate. And she felt very bad, she turned to a psychologist. Here. And after several months of cooperation, our communication, she felt much better - in general, she somehow got rid of it.

— What, in general, is the mechanism of pleasure from these... conversations about below the belt? If we don’t talk about rough virtual sex, the mechanism of which is clear, then what attracts people to these conversations about what doesn’t exist?

- If it were only a matter of physiological pleasure, then any man would have enough of his one partner and that’s it. Where psychological pleasure lies—as strange as this may sound to some—is in overcoming, breaking through cultural prohibitions. The prohibition of casual sex with anyone is that very tasty forbidden fruit. Overcoming this taboo is the driving force behind pleasure. And then it becomes clear why a person is looking for this in the virtual: “They allowed me in, they agreed to discuss this with me, present it all together, I broke through this cultural ban, this barrier.”

- Well, once you’ve broken it, then, apparently, you no longer need to have this virtual sex with this person for a long time, right? You've already broken through, what else?

- That's a good question. No. We see in practice that this is not the case. That people who engage in virtual sex are much more likely to engage in it with the same - well, let's say, if we're talking about a man - with the same virtual correspondent for much longer than in real life - when, indeed, if a man... - he has achieved his goal, it is often enough for him, well, one or several times, and then she becomes not so attractive to him. Because, we repeat, this barrier has already been overcome. And in virtual communication this pleasure is exploited for much longer. Probably because it is not accompanied by a real physiological climax.

“It’s strange that in the event of loss of reciprocity, these people suffer as if it were really some kind of serious relationship.”

— The strength of suffering is not determined by the seriousness of the relationship. It happens that a person is truly involved in these virtual relationships, hooked on this needle. And if the second partner turned out to be not so gloomy, at first he dove a little into this matter, and then emerged and swam away and no longer maintains regular correspondence - here the first one becomes very sad, very painful. A person is struck by the “unrequited love syndrome” and begins to suffer severely.

This happens not only in virtual communication, but also in real life, when, as a rule, a girl, girl or woman falls madly in love with a man. Let's say, a student turns into a teacher, a fan turns into a singer. And he goes crazy and dreams about him, doesn’t sleep at night, all the walls are covered with photographs. In fact, these experiences develop precisely in the virtual plane, because there are no real relationships. She does not imagine this person, again, in the entire volume of his life, circumstances, experiences, relationships with household members. She doesn’t know what really irritates him, how he spends money, how he behaves in quarrels. This is some kind of phantom that she has formed in her head. And this phantom was, again, connected to her consumer hopes that she would feel good with him.

— So the analogy between such relationships and virtual ones is that in both cases there is some kind of communication with an image, and not with a real person?

- Yes, that’s absolutely right, these feelings are attached to some kind of abstraction, and not to a real specific person. In this sense, strange as it may sound, virtual relationships, virtual love can be called love at first sight. When people fall in love with each other at first sight - like Pushkin's Tatyana Larina, or a holiday romance - they lay on the beach for two weeks in Turkey, and that's it, they fell madly in love. What is the parallel with virtual relationships? The fact is that, again, we fell in love with a person about whom we really know absolutely nothing. This is some kind of symbol of the fact that I will finally be truly happy with him (with her). And, by the way, Pushkin’s Tatyana in her famous letter to Onegin very accurately describes:

Imagine, I'm here alone,

Nobody understands me,

My mind is exhausted

And I must die in silence.

“Will you save me?” - thus she says. This is not written there further, but it is assumed. “You see how bad I feel alone. Because no one here understands me. I'm well-read, I'm sophisticated, I'm highly organized. And here they all live with simple, red-cheeked village joys. And you are a guy from the capital, you read everything, you know everyone, you judge everything so condescendingly. This is who will finally appreciate and understand me.”

Therefore, love at first sight is always a pure example of such a consumer-drug “entrapment.” Not the need to do well for our partner in our relationship, but the hope of receiving.

— So, “love at first sight” is not love yet? And this is not a sign that people are suitable for each other?

— We must first agree on terminology about love. This can be done on the basis of what each of us considers love towards ourselves. Many people on Earth agree on this idea. I feel this desire to be cared for, to be treated well, to be looked into, not to be overly burdened, to be perceived not only within the biological contour of my body, but with the whole complex of my relationships, with my difficult parents, with my previous love affairs, my problematic relationships with people, with friends, with my maybe job, in which I feel bad. I want to be completely taken over, so to speak. And this is correct; terminological accuracy can be recorded in this place. We will call this relationship of one person to another, with the biggest “plus” sign, love.

Then this is what immediately becomes clear. In what life circumstances is it especially noticeable to any person that he is treated with a “plus” sign? Is it then, when he is on the rise, in favor, in strength, in good shape, smiling at everyone, supporting everyone, making sure everyone has a drink, and telling jokes? In this situation, it is very easy to treat him with a “plus” sign; this is not indicative. But it is significant when he is in exactly the opposite state - depressed, out of sorts, scared, irritated, not getting enough sleep, hungry, being rude to someone, not noticing someone. Now, if in these circumstances he is treated well, then yes, this is definitely it.

This means that love is when not just one person treats the other as well as possible, with a “plus” sign, but when this relationship withstands the test of negativity, conflict situations, and clashes of interests. And due to what we have just discussed, it turns out that the right chosen one of a person is not the one whose virtues he admired, but the one whose shortcomings touched him.

In order for a real love relationship to develop between two people, it is necessary that at least one in this couple has, in principle, the following position in life: to look at who is bad, who is good, and who is bad, and who is good. And, seeing that someone is endlessly making fun of everyone, someone is ridiculing everyone, someone is behaving irresponsibly, in these manifestations you can feel, not even understand with your mind, but feel - his self-doubt, his suffering, his weakness, which he didn't choose for himself. This is his problem, not his fault. It is on this internal basis that only real relationships can develop. I repeat, if at least one in a couple is generally oriented in life in this way, he sits in some company and involuntarily, with his skin, simply perceives that someone is stuffy, someone is noisy, someone is hungry, for someone this the topic is traumatic, and this is how he always tries to optimize the situation for his neighbors - such a person is much more likely to become the bearer of that real feeling we are talking about.

But this does not mean that he or she can therefore fall in love with anyone or marry anyone. Further, indeed, some coincidence is needed, which, apparently, consists of this. I have now listed the different manifestations of this internal distortion of ours - some are irritable, some are apathetic, some are narcotically obsessed with money, some are obsessed with power, some are obsessed with love pleasures. Since we are all, in one way or another, at least somewhat unloved, this has led to our own individual deformations for each of us. Therefore, apparently, the man who is suitable for a woman is the one in relation to whom she feels the opportunity to treat him, due to her characteristics, her psychophysical constitution.

- If such a relationship of “virtual love”, virtual flirting begins, a rather strange thing happens. Trust without any basis for such trust. Why, when meeting on the street, will a person not be frank with the first person he meets, but on the Internet he opens up and trusts - although he does not even see not only the true face of the interlocutor, but even in his gender and age he can be greatly deceived? Well, there is another question here - is there, in fact, this trust? Maybe, based on what you said before, this is just throwing some unexpressed thoughts and feelings into the void? There was a case on our anti-suicide website when a girl fell in love with a guy via the Internet - their relationship lasted more than a month, then he left her, she suffered greatly, and even thought about committing suicide. Then it turned out that it was not even a guy, but an elderly man. In short, is there trust, and if so, where does it come from?

- You know, there are still very, very different examples and stories of such virtual love and virtual relationships. In most of them, of course, there is no trust. To understand this, we must again formulate what “trust” actually means. Trust is when I am not afraid to tell you some very unsightly things about myself - this is trust. And none of the virtual professionals do this with much passion. What's going on there? This is a conversation not about some negative topics of mine, but about intimate topics - these are completely different things. This is not trust, but, again, a claim to such sexual intimacy. And why does it happen there and not in real life? because in real life you can get punched in the face for this. And on the Internet it is much more secure.

- Is it possible to fall in love without opening up?

- Of course you can.

— On the Internet we deal not with real people, but with the images they draw for us. Is it possible to call an attitude towards an image, and not a person, love or at least falling in love?

- If we call love a relationship with a “plus” sign towards this particular person with all his individual qualities, then the answer follows from this reasoning by itself. There can be no love for an image, for a symbol—you cannot love a photograph.

True love can arise when one partner begins to imagine the other in all his reality. The difference is that in one case I somehow relate to a real person - seeing him, observing him, in different situations: how he sleeps, how he sneezes, how he yawns, how he looks from the outside, how he looks when he screams when he laughs. And a symbol is when I don’t know anything about a person, and it doesn’t matter to me at all, and I don’t try to find out.

— So the difference is in the amount of information?

- No, the difference is in the internal attitude. In internal need - or lack thereof. In the need to imagine this reality - or the absence of this need.

— What advice would you give to people who are in such relationships or on the verge of entering into them?

— I think that people who are satisfied with their virtual relationships may even read what we are about to record, but tangentially. It won't really affect them. This may hurt those people who feel that they have become ill in virtual relationships. Either these relationships became unrequited, or real life began to suffer from them. These people can be told this thing: we all start out in virtual relationships, or in real drug-consumer relationships like this, because our own lives are insufficiently full. From insufficient self-realization, from the fact that we do not have comfortable enough relationships with real close people.

In fact, you are not at all to blame for this trouble - it doesn’t say anything bad about you. It speaks volumes about how life has treated you. And you should try to improve these relationships not in order not to be guilty in someone’s eyes - you should not be guilty in anyone’s eyes - you should try to improve them only in your own - literally, selfish, but correctly understood interests - for your own promising life well-being.

And therefore, if you want to get out of this virtual addiction, then the last thing you need to think about is what to do with it technically, and ask your friend to turn off the computer after eleven in the evening. But first of all, you need to look at what your own life is like, how daylight hours go, what you do and why you do it. Is it because you have no other education and have already established a track, or because this is your business, the right thing for you, or at least you are looking for your right business. You need to look at what your relationships are like with your neighbors, specifically with your household.

As a rule, people who are so immersed in virtual spaces - whether in love relationships, or just in Odnoklassniki or on Facebook - these people can easily notice that real household members irritate them a little. And here lies our very great potential, which can be used greatly for our own benefit. How exactly? We must try our best to focus on these household members. And when he comes to you at the wrong time, don’t just snap back as usual, “Don’t you see, I’m busy?”, but say: “Sorry, for God’s sake, I just can’t do it right now.” Even this small effort on oneself is very tonic. And if this is not some one-time manifestation, but a gradually growing system of our efforts on ourselves, then this drug addiction to virtual relationships decreases.

— Teenagers are especially prone to virtual love. And teenagers’ households are their parents, and it is with them that relationships are most often very difficult. And the advice to establish relationships with them is not so easy to implement.

- If we talk about teenagers, or young people, or even adults who, nevertheless, live with their parents and suffer from relationships with them - and, indeed, these are the majority - then the advice can be more specific. This does not make it much easier, but perhaps it becomes more understandable.

What does it mean to focus on these neighbors of yours, that is, on your parents? This means that you need to understand that all these parental manifestations from which young people suffer so much, and, unfortunately, have reason to suffer, are not connected with the fact that the parents are bad or the children are bad, but with the fact that the parents feel bad.

All this parental edification, narrow-mindedness, formality, superficiality are not manifestations of a real attitude towards their children, but only a manifestation of their parental discomfort. And if some teenager or young man really gets this into his head, then he will brighten up greatly, he will become more self-confident, a more successful person, in the end.

But what does it mean to really take this into account in relation to parents? This means behaving towards them the same way we behave towards a person who is obviously feeling bad, who has it written all over his face. How do we behave towards such a person who feels bad - well, a small child or a friend? We look after him, support him, sympathize, help him, etc., etc. This whole set of measures must be projected onto parents, brought down on parents. In psychology, this is called “adopting a parent”: begin to delve into him not as your parent, but as some simple individual person, imagine him - what he is afraid of, what he wants, why he talks like that; ask him how his day went, and where he was, who called him, what he watched on TV; offer him some tea before he could ask...

So what happens then? After a long time of such efforts on the part of the child, in the end, it becomes unnatural for the parent to communicate with this child as before, in such a superficially edifying manner. He begins to take him into account a little. But this result is secondary - both in time and in importance. And a much more important and immediate effect will be this. If our reader spends many, many weeks investing in the parent like this and trying to be useful, kind, etc. etc. - this reader will begin to perceive his parent - not even with his mind, but with his feelings - as truly an object of his care, as some kind of unloved child. And then all this parental negativity ceases to be taken personally by the son or daughter. It unloads even retrospectively; the teenager “lightens up” a lot.

This therapy remains relevant for a person at any age, because a person at any age remains the child of his parent, all his life.

— How to behave in these virtual relationships themselves?

— Try to delve into the virtual partner as much as possible. Try to communicate with him about him, not about your own. Try to ask him more than to speak out. Not to remain in the shadows. And to give him the opportunity to speak out, so that he feels real interest in him, and not in our own pleasure from this relationship.

Then the relationship will begin to gradually transform from a consumer plan to a real one, to a meaningful one, they will become much more comfortable and less neurotic. Or you will feel that you don’t need it - to delve into it or, somehow, to be sympathetic - it’s boring for you, too much - then this relationship will fall apart with minimal trauma for both.

— Can a readiness to move into real life be considered a sign of a healthy attitude of that person towards you or your attitude towards him?

- Yes.

- That is, let’s say you try to invest in him, but he doesn’t want to invest in real life. This means that he seems to live in his neurosis and does not want to get out of it.

- Here we need to talk not about him, but about ourselves. If you begin to invest in it and become interested in it, then the situation becomes more and more benign for you. And how he will react to this is, in a sense, not very important to me.

- Let’s say you invest in him, your attitude towards him improves, and you, so to speak, repeatedly invite him to meet for real, but he always refuses. Can you conclude that something is wrong with him and this relationship is not worth continuing?

— The conclusion from the situation you described is that this person is much more dysfunctional, psychologically fragile than we imagined at the start, and that he needs to make sure that they are really interested in him, that they are really investing in him - not a day, not two weeks, or maybe two years. And then you see whether you have enough for such a period or not, whether you need it or not. If a relationship ends, then it is very important with what internal understanding, and on what internal basis.

In one case, one breaks up with the other with resentment, with disappointment: “He never gave me what I needed.” It won't be healthy. A person is designed in such a way that any subsequent relationship begins from the same point where the previous one stopped. And if you parted with a person with resentment, with unsatisfied expectations, then the following relationship will begin with this same expectation: “But he will meet me halfway, give me what I need?” This will already be stressful for that partner at the start. The prognosis will not be good.

In another case, parting occurs with the feeling that it was you, alas, who could not give the person what he needed. You invest a long time, are interested, and he responds sluggishly, every other time, does not agree to meet, etc., and you feel that that’s it, I can’t do it anymore - it’s probably right then to stop your efforts, realizing that you are on this person wasn't enough.

And then the next relationship will begin, again, with this feeling: “Am I enough for this person or not?”

- That is, with a claim to yourself, and not to him?

- Absolutely right. Very well said. Expectations will be related to yourself, not to him.

About the author: Kolmanovsky Alexander Eduardovich

Preparing for family life - choosing the right ones: distance (online) course “Basic principles of building a family”

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Dangerous ties

But there is a buzz that is always needed, like a drug. addicted people with psychological difficulties enter into online relationships They can be temporary, due to circumstances, or they can be deep, for example, such as intrapersonal conflicts. And the longer a person hangs in such a relationship, the more serious the reason that caused the need for them.

You should know why such dependence is dangerous:

A person living in fantasy is easy to take advantage of . Surely you have heard stories of people who were deceived for money under the guise of financial assistance by establishing relationships with them on the Internet.
Destroys the ability to build real alliances .
If there is cooling in the family, then virtual addiction can completely destroy family life.
Married men, emotional vampires, sexual philanderers, psychopathic individuals and even people with mental disorders are often drawn into such communication. Girls, be careful!
And the saddest thing is that while time passes online, real life also passes irrevocably, wonderful events, moments, and most importantly, people are missed!

There is such an American program called catfish, where the whole truth about virtual relationships . This is a program where guys and girls, tired of virtual love, go to look for their pen pal, sometimes only to realize that it was all a complete lie. Often the “other half” turns out to be married or a short blond instead of a tall brunette. Such relationships, built on lies, end immediately at the first meeting.

What do people value in finding a partner?

In 1985, evolutionary psychologist David Buss conducted extensive research into the traits that people consider most important in finding a mate. It turned out that what people value most in a potential partner was not physical attractiveness. Nor was it wit, self-confidence, strength, youthful looks... The number one significant qualities people looked for in a potential partner were kindness and understanding. We would be fooling ourselves if we pretended that physical attraction was not already extremely important when choosing a partner. But if kindness and understanding are always important aspects of building relationships, as Bass points out in the study, then why is it so little talked about. How many popular dating psychology articles have you read that prioritize kindness skills in dating? A little, I think. However, we are inundated with articles about building a better body, dressing well, knowing how to flirt properly to attract a partner. In truth, advice about dating skills often creates behavior that is the exact opposite of kindness and understanding. Finding stable love is a central life goal for most adults. Research shows that the quality of our marital relationships deeply affects the quality of our lives. However, it sometimes feels like much of our training in finding love was developed by a team of angsty teenagers. Of course, it's wrong to say that physical attraction is not important - it is absolutely important for most of us. But physical attraction is much more complex and changeable than we tend to assume. And the role of instant physical attraction in the search for stable, healthy love has been greatly overrated. In fact, Arthur Aron, one of the most famous researchers in the field of relationships, argues that people who are very attractive are no more likely to find love than people who are averagely attractive.

Relationship stages

I have identified several stages in the development of virtual novels:

The acquaintance is casual or special. Initial communication and establishing contact.
Next is the exchange of Skype, Viber, etc. , where the fun begins and this stage can last indefinitely.
Very possible rare meetings at the strong insistence of one of the parties.
A friend of mine talked to a guy from another city for three years. They confessed their love to each other and dreamed of meeting. We dreamed so much that in 3 years we saw each other only 2 times. The correspondence ended on the man’s initiative: he simply stopped responding... For her it was a painful lesson.

Therefore, do not allow yourself to be drawn into such interactions. There are certain signs by which you will understand that a person is only looking for a virtual relationship:

delays for a long time or refuses to meet
your dialogue is structured in such a way that your online friend talks only about himself, is not interested in you and does not ask questions
is too frank and shows too much confidence
trying to deceive or mislead you
has a family or other lover

How to behave when meeting a girl

Acquaintance is what gives rise to new contacts or puts an end to any relationship. First impressions play such an important role in our lives that under their influence we make fateful decisions.

Therefore, knowing this fact, you need to take all precautions so that your first meeting with a girl makes a pleasant impression on her.

Every girl dreams of a kind, noble, sincere man. Using various kinds of tricks or tricks will not add weight to you in her eyes, but on the contrary, they can alert and scare you away. Respect her, be understanding of her opinions and feelings. When meeting a girl, behave naturally, do not try to seem like someone you are not. Your decency and honesty will be a signal for her to continue dating.

Virtual dating sites

Virtual dating sites
A considerable part of the male and female half of the population registers on a dating site. The number of them today is huge! Users have different goals.

Some people seriously want to find their other half, while others play around and entertain themselves with online dating. But everyone has one thing in common - a thirst for communication and the opportunity to receive emotions.

For example, a user posts a photo and after a while receives a lot of compliments from the participants, such as: “What a brutal man,” or “Wow, you look sexy!” These comments have a beneficial effect on a person, he receives positive emotions and a desire to communicate further.

What attracts users of dating sites? These are, of course, voluntary contacts and a simple communication scheme. If something doesn’t suit you, you can simply not respond to your partner’s messages or put him on the “black list”.

Agree that in real life this is impossible. Internet communication also helps a person expand his circle of acquaintances, which is actually difficult for many. In parallel with this, a person develops communication skills and gains even greater self-confidence.

Any user of a dating site can simultaneously study several candidates for the role of a lover through correspondence. When in real life it would have taken him much longer.

Psychology of Internet communication #sketches #scratch

What should I talk to her about?

In order not to get bored when meeting, to get closer and get to know each other better, there are many ideas for conversation. In addition, girls love talkative and sociable friends who will not remain silent and will not let you die of boredom. Once you get acquainted with the list of topics, you will always know what to talk about. You can reflect on the following areas and choose the most suitable ones for yourself.

— Hobbies, entertainment - find out what attracts her, what she does or would like to do, what she likes and dislikes.

- Plans for the future, the life of her dreams - what she wants to achieve, what she dreams of, what will make her happy.

- Family, friends, children - who are her parents, does she have a large family, what are her ideas about human relationships, what does she value most in people and what irritates her, how does she see her future family and does she even want to get married.

— Interests – favorite books, films, writers, musicians, who and what the girl admires, what she pays attention to, what is important to her, where she would like to visit, what places and countries she would like to visit.

Be correct, observe the girl’s reaction to the topic you have chosen. If you see that the topic is uninteresting or unpleasant to her, change the conversation, no matter how much you want to know everything at once. Don't try to seem too smart, be yourself, show sincere interest in your friend. Choosing the right topic of conversation is a reliable way to get to know a girl in an original way.

Dating techniques from Lev Vozhevatov

Lev Vozhevatov is a relationship and charisma consultant, seduction coach, author of various techniques for dating, charm and conquest. Works with both men and women.

We propose to consider two of its methods: active and passive.

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It's not about appearance, not about designer clothes and not about the absence of a ring on the ring finger. The whole point is inner charisma and attractiveness. And the good news is that these qualities can be developed.

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Where to begin?

After you have overcome your shyness and become a little more confident, you can begin the practical part of meeting girls. Start with a simple technique that psychologists recommend. This exercise is called “rejection collection.” The point is to tune in to collecting dating refusals from girls. Having collected about 15 refusals in an evening, you will feel how this will make you more confident in yourself, thanks to this psychological technique you will no longer be afraid of refusals, and the long-awaited interest of the girl in dating will be a pleasant bonus.

Virtual life can be addictive

Why is Internet communication so attractive to young people and adults? Firstly, it provides its own culture and advantages. For example, when a person communicates on the phone, his thoughts are often confused and lost.

Virtual communication gives the individual time to first think and then respond. But along with this, such communication can lead a person into an illusory world, so far from real life.

This is especially true for graphical chat. It looks something like this - a virtual island, room or palace. This is a kind of party where you, in the guise of a graphic participant, can approach the same companion. Further actions can be different: you can use such figures to whisper, shake hands and retire to other virtual rooms. On the one hand, for those who are shy in reality, this is tempting entertainment. After all, you can create an image that is attractive and endow it with the desired features. On top of that, anonymity is maintained, and you can behave as you please! But on the other hand, this does not solve a person’s psychological constriction in real life. In it, he can remain at the same level - without changes. Moreover, such communication takes particularly impressionable people away from reality.

In general, doctors and psychologists are unanimous in the opinion that each user’s presence on a virtual network must be controlled.

They advise not to register on sites that can drag you out from morning to evening and distract you from pressing problems. It is enough to be a user of 2 sites with interests (hobbies) and choose 1-2 social networks for communication.

The main thing is to be confident

Self-confidence is something that comes from within, so it is easily felt by others.

Girls like the look of confident, persistent guys; it’s safe and easy to be with them; it seems that their presence alone solves all problems and the world becomes safer. The good news for those who do not feel confident in themselves is that everything can be changed, a person has the power to change. Basic knowledge of the issue and working on yourself will allow you to cope with the problem of uncertainty, become more decisive and courageous, and learn how to meet girls correctly.

The first step to victory is to stop judging yourself and comparing yourself to others. There will always be people more beautiful, more talented, stronger than us, we shouldn’t envy them. Remember that you are one and only, you are unique. Love yourself, remember and analyze your achievements, the successes of the past - you have something to be proud of.

Give up thoughts of what people think or will think about you, what impression you make on them, most importantly, set goals and go towards them. Your goal is to meet the girl you like, win her over, interest her, and intrigue her.

So do your best to reach the object of your attention. Your appearance, posture, facial expression, gestures - everything matters and should be subject to close critical attention. By changing some details of your image, you will begin to like yourself more, your self-esteem will increase, and your confidence will triple. Confident people attract you like magnets, people look for them, want to be friends, you can become like that.

Short communication techniques

Short communication techniques are used for emancipation; they allow you to become interested in strangers, learn about their lives and experiences. The first training can be done with men, it will be much easier. Common ground can be found with neighbors, colleagues or strangers.

The point of the technique is to ask specific questions and continue the conversation, learning the details of the answer. You can do this in public transport, at your workplace, in a store line, or on the street. Try to smile more, look into the eyes, find a common topic and briefly discuss it, get the person to communicate.

After such a short conversation, you should be left with a pleasant impression of a useful conversation. Short communication techniques help develop rapport building skills.

How to overcome shyness

How to overcome shyness
Psychologists are convinced that shyness must be fought; it rarely goes away on its own. There are several proven ways to deal with uncertainty over the years, including virtual communication and group classes.

If you are shy in real conversations with girls, start practicing virtual communication. Conversation on the Internet is much simpler - you don’t see the interlocutor, you don’t see his reaction, and if communication is unsuccessful, you will never meet him in reality. During a virtual conversation, you will develop the skills necessary for dating: learn to find topics for conversation, overcome internal barriers to meeting girls. Try to ensure that your communication on the Internet lasts as long as possible with each new acquaintance.

Participating in group activities also helps with insecurities, which is why they are recommended from a very young age. Sign up for an English speaking club and look for events that interest you. A good option would be group dance classes; there are always not enough men for couples dances - this way you can not only overcome shyness, but also get to know a cute girl better in a dance club.

Try to become more open to communicating with new people every day - say a few phrases to the store clerk, ask a passerby for directions. Gradually you will see that it is easy for you to communicate and you will like it.