Merger in relationships: are you inclined to it and what to do about it

Merging in relationships.

There are relationships in which people merge with each other and become a single organism.
The boundaries between my feelings and desires, and the desires and feelings of my partner are blurred. No, I am, but there is us. Such a fusion is useful in small, “Healthy” doses and is designed to provide security and a certain level of attachment (for example, during falling in love or between a mother and a child, in friendship, etc.

. ), but if this condition is unhealthy, it can negatively affect partners and their relationships. And if one suddenly decides to leave this tandem and show his isolation, then for the second it becomes a tragedy.

The biggest disadvantage of such relationships is that a person does not highlight his own needs and desires, it is difficult for him to exist independently, for the sake of this form of interaction he can renounce his true aspirations, dreams, or demand similar renunciation from his partner. Also, in this type of relationship there is no direct contact with the partner, since there is no separation between me and him, there is no opportunity to see a person next to all his otherness and individuality.

Here is what F. Pearls wrote about such relationships:

“People who live in unhealthy fusion with each other do not come into personal contact.

This is a common disease in marriages and long-term friendships. Partners in such a merger can tolerate only a fleeting difference in views or tastes. It is only when a more serious difference of opinion emerges that they cannot work through it until genuine agreement or agreement to disagree is reached. They must restore the disturbed fusion by any means possible or disperse to the point of isolation. At the same time, they will sulk, turn away from each other, take offense, or in any other way shift the task of reconciliation to the other. Only if the fusion cannot be restored does the relationship become hostile or dismissive, or otherwise depriving the other of the right to attention.

To restore the disturbed fusion, a person tries either to adapt himself to another, or the other to himself. In the first case, he becomes a compromiser, tries to reconcile, worries about the slightest differences, needs proof of complete acceptance, is ready to give up his own individuality, seeks favor, falls into slavery. In another case, when a person cannot withstand contradictions, he begins to persuade his partner, flatter him, coerce him or intimidate him.

If people are in contact and not in a merger, they not only respect their own and their partner’s opinions, their own and others’ taste, responsibility, but also welcome the revival and excitement due to disagreements that arise. Merger leads to routine and stagnation, contact leads to excitement and growth.

Of course, there can be healthy fusion in marriages and old friendships when it means reliably taking for granted that the other is the Other Self. But this acceptance must justify itself, like any other healthy habit, by its usefulness.

Guilt and resentment are often symptoms of disturbed fusion. The purpose of unfounded claims against oneself or a partner - guilt or resentment - is to restore the disturbed balance and correct the unbearable situation of disturbed fusion. But in this case, actual contact with the other person as an individual is avoided. The guilty and the offended are, for the most part, intertwined with each other. They depend on each other. These people are afraid that if a certain fusion is broken, then - no matter how contactless and "non-nutritive" this emotional connection may be - they will be left completely irreparably deprived of nutrition!

Guilt is the desire to punish oneself when a person takes responsibility for an interrupted merger. Blame (and resentment) is the demand that another person feel guilty. Both are resistances to contact, awareness and differentiation. They stick to the object in isolation from the main experience. Both permeate every neurosis. “Ekaterina Stroganova.

Merger

Merger (confluence) - the individual does not feel the boundary between himself and the environment at all, when he believes that he and the environment are one, he is in fusion with it. The parts and the whole turn out to be indistinguishable.

There is no contact at all. There is no “I” because there is no “not-I”. In speech, this is usually reflected in the persistent use of the pronoun “we”. This behavior is typical for mothers of babies (“We ate well and are sleeping,” says the mother of a newborn, although she hasn’t had a crumb in her mouth since the morning and she took her last nap the day before yesterday) or for parents of seriously ill children who strive in this way every second monitor the child's condition.

However, a similar method of communication without contact can also be observed in other spouses, when it seems that they do not exist separately: “Yesterday we went to the cinema, on Sunday we will go to the country... Yes, we really love living outside the city!” For a gestaltist, this form of behavior is not at all evidence of cloudless family happiness, but a sign of a deep dysfunction of the “I”, a total avoidance of contact with the environment.

In the world of fusion, no conflicts arise, but this does not mean that no energy arises in it, be it the energy of fear or aggression, tenderness or passion. No energy - no development. While in fusion, a person renounces any life at all, renounces his own individuality. He, like the Wise Minnow in Saltykov-Shchedrin, completely dissolves in the environment (or a suitable “object”), so long as problems and conflicts do not arise.

Newborn children live in fusion; they do not distinguish between internal and external, themselves and others. In moments of ecstasy or extreme concentration, adults also feel at one with their surroundings. Ritual requires a sense of fusion in which boundaries disappear and the individual feels most himself by virtue of being so intensely identified with the group. The fact that ritual evokes such exalted feelings and intense experiences is partly explained by the fact that we usually feel the boundary between ourselves and others very clearly, and its temporary dissolution has a very strong effect on us. But if this feeling of deep identification is chronic, and the individual is unable to see the difference between himself and the rest of the world, he is psychologically sick: he has lost his sense of self.

A person in a state of pathological fusion does not know what he is and what others are. He does not know where he himself ends and where others begin. Unaware of the boundary between himself and others, he is unable to contact them, but also cannot separate from them. He is not even capable of contact with himself.

We are made up of millions of cells. If they were in fusion, we would be an amoeba-like mass, and no organization would be possible. In reality, cells are separated from each other by membranes that are permeable under certain conditions, and these membranes are the point of contact, the distinction between what is “accepted” and what is “rejected.” If the constituent parts of our organism, which are not only parts of the whole human being, but also perform certain functions of their own, were united together and maintained in a state of pathological fusion, none of them could perform their functions correctly.

Let's take chronic prohibition as an example. Suppose that in some cases you wanted to cry, but you did not allow yourself to do so, voluntarily contracting the muscles of the diaphragm. Suppose also that this pattern of behavior, which originally began as a conscious effort to prevent crying, becomes habitual and unconscious. Breathing and the desire to cry somehow mix and merge with each other. Then you make it difficult for yourself to do both activities—the ability to breathe freely and the ability to cry. Unable to cry, you will never express or process your grief. Perhaps after a while you will even forget about what upset you. The need to sob and the contraction of the diaphragm, which serves as a defense against its expression, form a stable line of action and reaction; this state lasts constantly and is isolated from the rest of the personality.

A person who is in a pathological fusion ties his needs, emotions and actions into one tight knot, and is no longer aware of what he wants to do and how he prevents himself from doing it. This pathological fusion underlies many so-called psychosomatic diseases. The mixing of crying and breathing that we mentioned can lead to asthma if it continues long enough.

Pathological fusion also has serious social consequences. In fusion, one demands similarity and refuses to tolerate any differences. We often see this in parents who consider their children to be an extension of themselves. Such parents refuse to acknowledge that their children must be different from them in at least some respects. And if children do not support the merger and do not identify with the demands of their parents, they will be rejected and isolated: “I will not love such a disgusting child!”

If the members of the UN valued or at least respected the differences between the nations that make up the Organization, there would be better contact between them and a better chance of dealing with the problems that plague the world. But because differences are not respected, because each nation demands that others share its views in every detail, conflict and difficulty continue. If differences are not valued, they become persecuted. Demanding consent sounds like saying, “If you don’t be my friend, I’ll break your skull!”

The poor choir member’s statement: “We want to continue,” when in fact they would like to continue, not he (he wants to go to the toilet), is a statement of fusion. He doesn't know how to distinguish himself from the rest of the group. When a person in a pathological fusion says “we,” it is impossible to find out who he is talking about: himself or the rest of the world. He completely lost his sense of boundaries.

How to get out of a merger?

How to get out of a merger? (experience working in a therapeutic group)

In order to get out of fusion (codependency), several conditions are necessary.

First, you need to connect with yourself and your feelings. Because in merging it is not very clear: are the desires, feelings, experiences mine, or the Other’s?

Secondly, the assigned rights to feel, want, refuse if the Other claims your resource. For your time, for your love, abilities, etc. For example, I want to spend my personal time on an interest that is important to me. But if I can’t, I will suppress my “I want.”

Thirdly, you need the courage to survive the resistance of the environment, which prevents separation. To do this, you will need the assigned right to be “bad”, a bitch, a bastard, to choose yourself.

The separated “I” can be close to the other “I” and build relationships with it. Where two “I”s are fused, there can be no relationship. There can be projections, relationships with oneself, but not with the Other.

At this level, one person can experience feelings for Another - because this Other exists. In this case, when there are two people, real responsibility for the relationship arises, real attraction, etc.

...We explored all these aspects today at the completed group. We studied the merger and exit from it.

Interestingly, people found themselves in a variety of states.

There were those who wanted to remain in fusion, giving up individuation and separateness. There were those who wanted to separate, however, not being able to separate their feelings and desires from the feelings and desires of their partner, they had no idea how to do this. There were those who, gripped by the fear of engulfment, wanted to escape, but, having no contact with themselves and the right to define boundaries, they endured. And finally, there were those who realized what they wanted, but were afraid of being a bastard by choosing their desires.

...The most promising contacts developed in couples where one of the two risked introducing his desires (for example, to change the position, or asked to move away), and the other did not interfere with this. ……………

In the inner world of a large number of people there is no figure who allows separateness, but there is a figure who suppresses it with the help of fear and guilt.

…..In the group, I agree to be such a permissive figure - in the hope that those who have experienced this experience once will strive to reproduce it again.

- If you have the right not to like something, then what do you not like? - If you have the right to want, then what do you want? - If you can say what you want, then what are you saying?

…..Permission gives the right. And immediately two separate entities are formed, enthusiastically exploring each other’s boundaries, and the merging comes to an end.

Veronica Khlebova

Mergers and acquisitions. Are you prone to emotional dependence?

A woman who “dissolves” in her man is a well-known type, but few people like him. Don't be surprised: it also annoys normal men. Feeling like a couple to the point of merging can sometimes be great, but on an ongoing basis this feeling is harmful. And for you, and for your partner, and for your relationship. There is a difference between emotional attachment and fusion. The first is natural, the second is unfortunate. The first is characteristic of the state of love, the second - of the state of inferiority. In merging, the boundaries between “I” and “you” are erased. There is only “we”, within which individuality and separateness disappear. Let's talk about this topic specifically.

You can diagnose a merger in a relationship if:

• Once you enter into a relationship with a man, you see your friends less and less. Compare how many times a week you met with them before the affair began and how often this happens now. • You try to adapt to your partner, you live as if in the mode of fulfilling his desires, knowingly agreeing to anything. • In your speech, the pronoun “we” prevails: “Pusik and I prefer art house,” “Musik and I are not feeling well, he’s blown.” • You do something previously uncharacteristic for you (become a vegetarian, watch football matches, wear only his favorite styles) and cannot remember whether it was your desire or a desire to please him in everything. • You get seriously upset if your partner has a different point of view from yours. But you don’t talk to him about it, you agree. • There is no room for arguments or dissatisfaction in your relationship, even when it is justified: “Of course, we’ll spend a vacation with your mother, dear. Let's not quarrel." • The ideal of a relationship, in your understanding, is to anticipate your partner’s desires. • You know what your partner thinks and feels better than he does: “Don’t argue, I see you’re sad,” “You understand that friends don’t behave like him.” • You make “investments” that you weren’t asked to make: gifts, favors, extra care, and expect that this will make your connection stronger and stronger.

Why are you doing it?

Life “in the house”, without trust and love, would be insipid and cruel. In the end, the baby and mother are in fusion, and the memory of the loss of that tender connection is very depressing. Falling in love is a continuous merging: we are intertwined into one, losing our beginning and end. The ability to feel another without further ado gives magical sex; the desire to be on the same page is invaluable for relationships; The ability to bring “we” to the forefront ensures a cohesive family. As you can see, there are many benefits. Therefore, it is easy to explain the merger in a relationship, but the question of why you would turn the situation into an unhealthy one remains open.

Why is it dangerous?

Let's be honest, merging with a partner spoils relationships, once the romantic euphoria ends. There is a risk of getting seriously bored in this “where you go, there I go” story. Intimacy turns into dependence, and now the other person does not excite you, because you do not perceive him separately from yourself. It is impossible to feel your own individuality. The energy of two different people flows into the quicksand of merger: you do not enrich each other, but make each other equally colorless. Or equally codependent, but this is already a clinical case. Of course, one of you will certainly want to leave such a relationship. And what normal citizen of sound mind and self-respect would want to dissolve in someone and lose his “I”?

Your litmus test is a feeling of guilt: if you experience it, it means you are in the danger zone. By the way, in a suffocating fusion there is a high risk of developing psychosomatic diseases. So be attentive to this bug: firstly, you yourself are capable of setting such a style of relationship, and secondly, you may find yourself drawn into it. In the latter case, in addition to feelings of guilt, pay attention to feelings of melancholy, hopelessness, loss of strength: someone takes you into their circle without singling you out as a separate person with his own interests. Often these bad people turn out to be those closest to you: you probably have something to remember on this topic.

If you recognize yourself and plan to slow down:

• Find and analyze a situation from the past. Where have you received so little warmth and affection that you now satisfy your need indirectly, becoming overly caring and tender in a couple? Of course, you need to start the analysis with the parents, although there are options. • Stop perceiving life through “we”, add “I” and “he” to the descriptions of relationships. In general, spend time with other people more often, avoiding stories about your couple. • Ask yourself questions: “What do I want? What I feel?". It turns out? Keep trying and talk in the first person: “I want!” - and ask your partner: “Do you want it?” And what do you want?". • Don’t try to think for someone else, guess, help proactively - learn to meticulously ask what the person means, what you can do for him and whether it’s better to step aside now. • Have the courage to face differences, accept the possibility of increasing distance in relationships, recognize the right to personal space. It's not easy, but, you know, it's okay to spend the evening not together. Moreover, it is normal to sometimes go on vacation separately from each other and even sleep in different rooms.

If you are pulled into a merger:

• Remember how to say “no”: “No, I don’t want to. No, I disagree. No, I feel differently.” • Develop sensitivity to your own feelings: if you feel like you're being taken advantage of, you probably don't. • Make a difference between you: “I understand that your mother wants to come for tea, but I have an appointment”; “I don’t mind you spending the evening watching the match because I’m going to the theater with my friend.” • Give vent to sincere emotions while defending your position. No, you don’t need to be rude or beat anyone, but you have every right to sincerity. Don't forget that manipulators are most afraid of frank and reasoned conversations. • And always remember that after the merger episode ends, you will feel like an empty eggshell. No one needs it and no one is interested. Save time and money on going to a psychoanalyst!

Merger (confluence) “Merger is a state of non-contact. Gestalt

13. Contact and contact boundary - “Contact” is the central concept of Gestalt therapy. You can often hear “good contact”, “completed contact”, “broken contact”, “broken contact” and so on. In Gestalt therapy we talk about contact as a special interaction between an organism and its environment. The noun contact states, indicates status, names, but in reality we are dealing with a process of contact unfolding in space and time, which is best described using verbs (I feel, feel, hear, approach). Both sensory and motor reactions arise at the contact boundary of the organism and its environment, representing a holistic experience. “The boundary where experience occurs,” writes Goodman, “does not separate the individual from his environment: it limits the individual, contains and protects him, but at the same time it also relates to the environment. Consequently, the border “appears” both from the inside and from the outside: it is an integral part of two different worlds that are in relationship.” “The contact boundary... is an organ of special connection between the organism and the environment.” “It is at this boundary that psychological events occur.” The most important feature of contacting is that it is associated with the process of awareness: “contact is the awareness of novelty that can be assimilated and movement towards it, as well as the rejection of novelty that cannot be assimilated.” If there is no awareness, then there is no contact. If awareness is impaired, the process of contacting does not occur adequately. For example, the organism comes into contact with the environment without noticing its toxicity, or, conversely, the hypervigilant organism perceives the environment as extremely dangerous and does not approach it. In the first case, the very beginning of contact can lead to traumatization of the body and interruption of contact; in the second case, we initially observe the body withdrawing from contact. Contacting at every moment of time presupposes awareness of the contact boundary: emerging sensations, feelings, thoughts, fantasies, bodily reactions, desires, one’s excitement, which increases “as the still unknown decision approaches.” At every moment of time here-and-now, awareness of the contact boundary allows the body to creatively adapt to the environment, “to find and create a suitable solution.” The result of contacting is the creation of a new configuration: in each act of contacting, the organism “finds and creates itself” anew. The contact boundary (contact boundary, contact boundary) is a necessary condition for the contact process, i.e. interaction between the subject and everything else, including objects of the external world...

* * *

Usually, the closer we get to the core of any complex, to the unknown archetype perse, the more we experience numinity. This term was proposed in 1927 by Rudolf Otto in his “Idea of the Sacred” to designate sacred emotional experiences - such as Awe, Beauty, Light, Horror, Awe, Fear, etc. - describes the nature of deep, archetypal experiences. The experience of numinosity is “a confrontation with the forces of the other world. It is the "Wholly Other" that exists outside normal experience and cannot be described in its terms; frightening, starting from absolute demonic horror and through awe reaching the subtlest greatness; and attractive, possessing an irresistible force of attraction, demanding unconditional devotion.”

Typically, complexes can stimulate an encounter with the numinous in its negative form. If we are talking about a fusion complex, negative numinity is especially strong and tenacious and difficult to transform, manifesting itself in extreme anxiety that accompanies separation of any kind. This experience may approximate James Grotstein's concept of the black hole of psychosis as "the experience of helplessness, defect, nothingness, zero, expressed not simply as a static void, but as an inward explosion, a centripetal pull towards the vacuum." Sometimes we seek a safe haven and hide from deeply disturbing negative numinity by dissociating from awareness of the opposite fusional craving for objects through autistic-like escape from communication. Such dissociation usually takes the form of an extreme split between mind and body and a retreat into passive fantasy. However, encountering the disorganizing energy of an archetype on a conscious level can often turn toward a positive form of expression, i.e., awe, mystery, love, beauty and compassion.

It's amazing how confronting chaos, rather than disassociating yourself from it, can bring about amazing change. For the numinous, even in its negative form, is still the sacred energy of the archetype. The analytical process can become a mediator of such change, as Jung said: “You bring out what you feel is present in a person.” If we are able to sense the positive numinosity, that is, the "light" in a person, then we are helping the reality of that light to become incarnate, and thus we will nourish the analysand's faith in his or her own archetypal resources. If we are deprived of such perception - especially if we do not know how the numinous is connected with violations during its embodiment or if we do not have experience of transforming the negative numinous into its positive form, then we become a completely different container and build different object relations than the one who has similar experience.

Usually a person does not come to awareness of his fusion complex through ordinary analytical procedures such as free association or dream or transference interpretation. The analyst's perception of the analysand's state of mind or body, or the field in which they both find themselves, must take the lead.

Throughout this book I will use expressions like “looking into the field,” “seeing through the field,” or “seeing the field.” We are talking about ways of feeling that can be achieved through a special form of “extraordinary perception,” which is itself a function of consciousness, distinct from the rational, linear form of awareness that has governed our culture for at least the last three centuries.

In a sense, one can see the phenomenon of the fusion complex only after the rational-discursive means of understanding have been exhausted. Only then do you find yourself sufficiently affected by the field together with the person being analyzed to feel what is there. In my experience, this vision is never conveyed by an interpretation based on developmental theory. It can rather be conveyed by a statement about the existence of what we perceive - whether with the eyes, senses, bodily sensations, smell or hearing.

With the support of personal relationships or a deep belief system, a person can be able to maintain the authenticity of his own feelings in comprehending “impossible” opposites. In fact, his struggle turns out to be a transition to a new self, as the numinous begins to flicker within. And when the analyst is able to see the numinous energy (through the extraordinary perception that develops from visual, kinesthetic experiences or feelings), then the state of extreme chaos experienced by the person can calm down enough for the process of embodying a new self to become a living reality.

It is quite difficult not to encourage a person to perform the "heroic" act of separating from extremely destructive behavior or from merging with another, even though he (or she) is actually unable to muster the energy to do almost anything, let alone change his or her life. The best help in such cases is the position of an eyewitness, who senses the limits of a person's understanding and is able to sympathize with suffering, and, in addition, has faith in the process through which the self is trying to incarnate.

When adequately contained through such object relations - that is, conditions in which there is a sufficient degree of communication, harmony and understanding between subject and object - this movement from timelessness into temporal existence forms a creative transition, resulting in a new sense of identity and a new experience of the inner self. However, if, as often happens, the container designed to facilitate the transition does not cope with the task, then the fusion complex produces the opposite effect: it prevents the embodiment of the self into spatio-temporal life.

The purpose of detecting the presence of a fusion complex is as follows:

a) the analyst achieves the ability to understand and appreciate the power of psychotic anxiety, which has such a destructive effect on the sense of existence of the analysand. The analyst can then be more alert to activities that trigger this anxiety.

b) many analytic processes encounter obstacles until the fusion complex (which can quite happily exist alongside a variety of less chaotic, but still extremely complex states, such as borderline, narcissistic or dissociative) begins to be felt in the here-and -now the analytical process. This can have a powerful transformative effect, akin to the miraculous healing powers the alchemists attributed to their mysterious elixir.

c) even if mutual experience—which is optimal—is not achieved, the analyst’s awareness of the presence of a fusion complex can still cause an unconscious reduction in the analysand’s defenses against awareness of his fusional states and the associated lack of relatedness.

d) The fusion complex is a theory that helps us see what easily eludes our normal perception, those themes that rarely, if ever, emerge through personal history work or dream interpretation or transference interpretation.

The following list - discussed in detail later in the pages of this book - summarizes the main features of the fusion complex with special references to the therapeutic situation. “Primary signs” are fundamental in the experience of the fusion complex. “Additional features” are also essential for identifying and experiencing the fusion complex, but by themselves do not fully capture its nature. However, awareness of any of these additional features is often the first clue to the presence of a fusion complex.

The concept of “fusion” in psychology is

There is such a thing in psychology as fusion, what is it? Merger or confluence in smart psychological language is when a person does not feel the boundaries between himself and the environment, himself and others. It seems to him that he and the environment (or he and the other) are inseparable. And there are situations and periods of life when this is natural, normal, and even moreover, absolutely necessary, but there are also those when it becomes harmful, unnecessary, and then psychologists call for leaving the merger. Merging is normal and natural:

In the relationship between mother and child, this is a guarantee that the mother will provide the child with everything necessary, will be sensitive to his needs and problems, as long as he is completely dependent on her.
At the stage of falling in love, when it is so important for people to overcome alienation and learn so much about each other, learn to be together, to be sensitive to each other. And then it can arise throughout family life, but only as a short period with further separation from each other
Between relatives at some stages and in some situations and for a short time.
Between friends at some moments of communication, also for a short period of time.

Merging can be very pleasant if it alternates with moments of separation from others, because at such moments it seems to us that we are not alone, that there is someone who completely understands and accepts us, that someone is exactly the same, wants it the same, also looks at things and so on. However, if the merger becomes permanent, it develops into lack of freedom, into the inability to understand who I am, what I want, and so on, it is impossible to enter into real contact with another, since it is impossible to notice this other, to separate from oneself. Just as there is no light without shadow, and shadow without light, so there should be no fusion without loneliness. Both are necessary for life, although sometimes it can be quite difficult to leave the merger and be alone again.

Evgrashina Maria Vyacheslavovna

Many couples who come to therapy wonder why something is wrong with them. It seems that they fell madly in love with each other, started a family, and seemed to live for themselves and be happy, but living life together does not make them happy. Some are hampered by constant quarrels, others by misunderstandings, others by financial problems, parents and much, much more. When a married couple comes to therapy, the family psychologist hears very similar questions, but for each couple, these questions hide their own meaning. One of these requests may be a complaint: “Why is it unbearable for us to be together, and why is it impossible for us to be apart?”

There can be many answers to this question. In any case, if a couple suffers and comes to a family psychologist, then this problem of misunderstanding is already unbearable for them. One of many options may be to clarify the form of the relationship. In the psychology of relationships there is such a thing as symbiotic fusion. When the baby is still completely dependent on his mother, he desperately needs her, and in fact, will not survive without her. The mother is his condition for survival. Something similar can happen in couple relationships. When significant relationships emerge, people regress to the primary form of love. And if a person’s need for fusion remains high, then a symbiotic relationship can develop in a couple. This form of love can be expressed this way: “I love you because I need you.” The couple is in such a strong merger that it is no longer possible to separate their functions from the functions of the other, it is impossible to determine their own desires, there are no longer two people, but there is a single subject. This is a state of fusion in which neither side is whole and free, which gives rise to a lot of conflicts and misunderstandings.

Healthy relationships require the experience of solitude and safe intimacy. This is the possibility of subjectification for a person. It is very important to have your own space for solitude. The experience of loneliness does not mean being alone, it means giving yourself the opportunity to recognize yourself as a separate person with your own desires, needs and feelings. And at the same time, the condition for safe intimacy is the experience of building relationships that are not inherently destructive, but satisfying, which make it possible to be very close to each other, but at the same time not “stick together” with each other.

As E. Fromm wrote: “Mature love is a union subject to the preservation of the integrity and individuality of a person... In love, a paradox occurs when two become one and yet remain two.”

Symbiotic fusion or relationship pathology

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Features of mergers and acquisitions in psychology

Mergers and acquisitions of companies have their own characteristics that differ from each other.

During a merger, there is always one dominant company, which initiates the process. Such a corporation has large capital and the necessary capacities. At the same time, if smaller organizations that decided to merge have shareholders, then they are included in the new composition, retaining their shares and rights. In this case, only the name of their company changes for them, and the amount of dividends received remains at the same level.

In a takeover, a corporation that acquires smaller organizations acts as follows. The acquirer buys all the shares of the company from the shareholders who created the enterprise. In other words, people who owned the main share of capital in the acquired organization, after selling their shares, lose all rights after the completion of the takeover procedure.

SIGNS OF A MERGER COMPLEX

BASIC

1. The simultaneity of a desire to merge and a lack of communication

When the fusion complex dominates the field between two people, then the craving for fusion and the tendency to distance and lack of communication exist simultaneously. At the same time there is a connection to the point of complete fusion and a state of separation. In philosophy, this is known as the problem of “true contradictions.”

2. The disorganizing nature of the archetypal core of the complex

The archetypal core of the complex floods the field with chaotic energy, which frightens the subject with a loss of coherence and identity.

ADDITIONAL

1. Separation, extreme anxiety and loss of energy

An attempt to separate from the feeling of physical fusion with a person or with a familiar pattern of behavior leads to the experience of disorganizing, psychotic energies of the archetypal core of the fusion complex. In the subject this creates a lack of coherence and a radical decrease in energy. This can be accompanied by intense shame in the face of an inability to deal with seemingly trivial matters, such as paying a bill that is well within one's means but is overdue.

2. Hidden and extremely passive fantasy life

To avoid the experience of encountering the disorganizing influence of the fusion complex, a person resorts to passive fantasy, and often devotes many hours a day to it. This rich fantasy life is usually kept strictly secret and is extremely difficult for the analyst to discover.

3. Lack of space preventing the productive use of projective identification

Three-dimensional space is experienced as unstable or non-existent in the field of the fusion complex; hence, there is no container that can help differentiate between "internal" and "external". Consequently, projective identification—the process by which the analyst's imagination is partly created or induced by the split-off imaginary life of the analysand—is found to be fragmentary or not present at all as a useful modality.

4. Disturbed thin body and the use of surrogate skin

Through extraordinary forms of seeing, feeling, or kinesthetic experiences, one may sense that a person with a powerful fusion complex has a torn or otherwise damaged subtle body—the container of inner life that exists “between” the mind and body. "Surrogate skins" such as self-hatred, dissociation, muscle rigidity and passive fantasies are formed as protective containers against internal or external intrusions.

5. Powerful and excessive forms of narcissism

When the fusion complex is strong, a powerful form of narcissism is present (more primitive than usual in narcissistic disorders and approaching what is called primary narcissism). This may take the form of a "soap bubble structure" in which the analysand is both speaker and listener. A certain strangeness may emanate from the person, similar to that which often accompanies psychotic processes.

6. Fear, anger and blame

Within the field of the fusion complex, a person can be overwhelmed by intense anger, akin in its destructive nature to “road rage”1), as well as extreme fear. Interaction with others is strongly limited by accusations, because admitting guilt to someone is the currency of the complex, which does not allow the possibility of conflicting points of view.

7. Sudden jumps or discontinuities in experience

When the fusion complex is activated, one or both people may experience a sudden emotional surge: the emotions awakened by the encounter jump sharply from moment to moment. It can be confusing or scary.

8. Abjection

When the fusion complex field is highly constellated, the fear of being infected by the miserable, disgusting state of the other (for example, his or her madness), taking the form of limitless identification with the archetype, is quite common.

9. Unlived life and humiliation

The power of the fusion complex creates vast voids of unlived potential in a person, and as a result gives rise to a strong feeling of humiliation.

10. Typical reactions of an analyst

a) the analyst tends to dissociate from the relational field because being in it is confusing and painful, both mentally and physically. Physical pain can be extremely acute - pressure or even sharp pains in the head, chest or abdomen. Mental confusion impairs the ability to create internal order. Often the mental and physical levels of pain overlap and cannot be distinguished from each other;

b) the analyst feels empty, dull and deadened to the perception of any mental or physical state. In his muteness, the analyst may suddenly feel controlled or imprisoned by some impersonal force that cannot be responded to.

c) psychotic processes in the field lead to a feeling of strangeness; for example, when the analyst speaks, even if he seems to be heard and what is said is registered, what is heard often does not correspond to what was meant. This exhausting and confusing quality of interaction can lead to strong negative reactions from the analyst.

d) the analyst seeks to diagnose his analysand as a narcissistic, schizoid, obsessive-compulsive, dissociative, schizoaffective, or borderline patient. However, despite the possible presence of such conditions requiring treatment, the latter is prevented by many circumstances, until finally the field of the fusion complex is consciously taken into account. In addition, many of the patient's so-called "anti-therapeutic" reactions in the analytic process, as well as other serious forms of resistance, are artifacts of the fusion complex, and may diminish or disappear once the complex is identified.

11. Non-pathological nature of the fusion complex

Once the analyst is able to more consciously bear the fusion complex and “buckle under” its field, the opposition of fusion and distance can become conscious and develop into a coherent series of states. This gives rise to an incipient awareness that there is something more to the effect of “impossible opposites” besides pathology. When the sense of the presence of a good container within the multidimensional field is further strengthened, the oppositions can be glimpsed together. And this particularly opens up the possibility of a deeper awareness that the fusion complex is much more than a pathology: it is a potential gateway to a new form of both ego-consciousness and selfhood.

Merger in psychotherapy: the only way out

Now I feel like I have an obligation to write about all the mechanisms of interruption highlighted in the theory of Gestalt therapy, although I had absolutely no intention of writing, but only wanted to talk about projection. This is my introjection into my dad: that everything needs to be collected and systematized, otherwise it will turn out bad and sloppy.

OK. What's really missing is the merger that started it all. Omitted because it's not interesting. I don’t like it, it’s boring to talk about it, and showing demo sessions about merging to students is the hardest thing. Because there is no guarantee that you will be lucky and there will be material in the session that clearly shows how to work with merging, because merging itself is not at all visual. Merger is precisely when there is nothing. Now imagine how to show it?

Merger is the beginning. When me, me! - doesn't exist yet. Genetically and symbolically, fusion is associated with the earliest processes, when we were so small that we had not yet separated ourselves either from our mother or from the world. And the name makes it clear: fusion is some kind of state when there are no boundaries. You can read a lot, a lot about the merger, I don’t like duplication. What is the most important thing for me as a therapist?

Merging is associated with loneliness, responsibility and freedom. This is the central point of the whole concept. Imagine: on one side of the scale are Loneliness, Freedom and Responsibility, and on the other is Merger. And the Merger outweighs

Merger is when I sacrifice myself for you, in order not to separate from you. For the sake of the illusion of “eternal” life and eternal “love”. For the sake of the opportunity not to decide, not to be responsible. For the sake of you behind (and around) me, for the sake of something warm, soft (and maybe seamy). Something bigger than me. For the sake of the huge amorphous We. Which was before me, and which I really don’t want to part with.

It goes something like this: We will do this because you want it; We won't do anything because you don't want it; Because if it turns out that there is a difference between us, it could mean my departure, your anger and my loneliness; And loneliness means that in the future I myself will be forced to decide what to do, where to go, and I myself will have to bear responsibility for the result; And this is scary.

The state of fusion is like a continuing promise to oneself that there will be no death. After all, what does not exist cannot disappear. In reality, of course, it may be that the embyrons who decide not to continue disappear. But they hardly have time to feel existential loneliness.

A way out of the merger is possible through the recognition of one’s separateness, which is followed at lightning speed by the recognition of loneliness, freedom and all the other piercing joys that were previously inaccessible. There is only one way to console yourself here: if loneliness is cold and sad, then freedom is a pleasant feeling in your feet resting on the ground. When the fusion dissipates, you can go wherever you want. Because there is no one left who can save you from freedom (aka death and responsibility, but this is too much for a short note about an uninteresting merger

Codependent relationships - merging

Merger is a state when there are no psychological boundaries between people, and physical boundaries are shifted and violated.

The physiological period of fusion occurs between a mother and an infant, when the mother guesses the child’s wishes and lives by them, and the child does not distinguish his body from the mother’s body. But the period of fusion naturally turns into a period of separation by the age of 1.5 years, and the child gradually becomes more and more independent until he is completely separated from his parents by the age of 20 (or at least that’s what they say in books).

Another variant of merger, a completely unhealthy one, is a codependent relationship, when two adults enter into a relationship according to their passport, but are not very adults inside the person, who at one time did not go through a period of separation and perceive each other as children of parents or as parents of children. In such couples it often happens that one cannot live without the other, controls and is afraid of losing. In codependent relationships, there is a ban on expressing your feelings, especially anger and shame. It is impossible to declare any desires separate from the “collective”. Everyone is responsible for everyone and no one for themselves. They don’t talk about desires directly, and you have to guess. One may bear all the responsibility, while the other may be completely irresponsible, and so on. A common type of codependent relationship is that of an alcoholic and the wife of an alcoholic. He is good if he didn’t drink and could control himself, but she is angry, controlling everything in the world and bearing responsibility for him, herself, work and children and much more.

In such relationships, when there is no aggravation or desires coincide, there are pleasant moments. But more often, many strong feelings, crises and pain arise. All this is popularly mistaken for “great love” and “difficult fate.” And it is believed that there is a lot of intimacy between codependent people, since there are so many different passions and dramas. But in reality, there is no intimacy in codependent relationships. There are mental wounds, pain, merging and a very vague sense of oneself with an exaggeration of the importance of the other. There is use, manipulation, fear of loss, horror of possible loneliness and unawareness. But there is no closeness, because there is no clear boundary.

Another physiological variant of fusion that people mistake for intimacy is falling in love. Much has been said, written and sung about her. During the period of falling in love, it seems that you have found the only one who finally understands you and shares your interests completely. The one with whom you want to be together always, always and share everything that you have in life. Falling asleep and waking up together every day and all that jazz. However, falling in love is caused by a changed hormonal background, which calms down after about 1.5 years, and then disappointment and withdrawal from the merger may occur with various consequences.

The first is parting after realizing that the other person is completely different from you, and not like you fantasized, and you are not ready to accept him. If this fantasy is very different from reality, then a break is inevitable. The second option is to get to know the person you were in love with again, and here human intimacy is already possible.

Relationships: Merger and Separation

Workshop

RELATIONS: MERGER AND SEPARATION

It is impossible to achieve a higher level of relationship with Another than the level of relationship with oneself.

Last time, when we talked about the power of projections in relationships, we saw that our relationships suffer because of the strategies and scripts that have been formed during our individual history and which we project onto the Other. No matter how sensitive we are to each other, the behavior of a lover will provoke anger or grief that has lived in us since childhood. It takes work to not get lost in projection and to remember that the situation only opens the wound so that we can heal it. And we want to punish the other for provoking this anxiety of separation.

Continuing the theme of dependence and freedom in relationships, one cannot ignore the existential fears that everyone faces when they choose to be with another. We all

- on the one hand, we want to separate ourselves and find our unique, original essence.

- on the other hand, we strive for love and long to dissolve, to return to the state of openness from which we came. The second pushes us to search for another and create intimacy.

But intimacy brings us face to face with the terrifying fears of losing ourselves in another and rejection, or, in other words, separation and absorption. Overcoming these fears is one of the main challenges and rewards of true intimacy .

How to learn the dance of merging and dividing - being close when needed, and moving back a little when the space becomes too small for two? How can we give ourselves and others the freedom and respect we desperately want? How can you give someone else the love and space they need without betraying yourself? How to care without becoming a controller and allowing others to care while remaining whole and self-sufficient?

Fear of separation: “I” and “Not-I”

Fears of separation emerge in close relationships in the form of “Self” and “Not-Self” (Other). In the early phase of a relationship, we remain in the grip of the illusion of “I”. What this means is that we believe that the partner and I are one and the same. We see and feel the same. We have the same views on what is most important. Perhaps this feeling is strengthened by the commonality of life goals, the fact that we share a religion, political beliefs, we have the same guru, or even the fact that we like the same movies, and so on. But over time, maintaining this illusion becomes increasingly difficult. Some things show us that the other is not as “I” as we thought. Then a painful feeling comes that there is less spiritual similarity between us than it seemed. And if we fail to accept the Not-Self aspects, the fear may come that we have made a big mistake.

We are all looking for our soul mate, the Good Wizard, who will always be by our side in all situations. But no one has yet been able to find him. And even if we could find someone who could lighten our burden, we would be tightly tied to a very regressive relationship, characterized by rigid rules (roles), infantilism and stagnation of development. When one of the partners feels an extreme need for the other, and the other feels the need to be needed by him, codependency is formed - a state in which each of the partners is emotionally limited, has stopped in its individual development and experiences a psychologically naive fantasy that about each of them The Other will definitely take care of them. Welcome to the “island of neurotic happiness!” — that’s what one of Carl Jung’s patients called codependency.

But the time will come when the Other will mature to the point that he will become indignant at what is happening, even if he (or she) at one time voluntarily and tacitly agreed to it. This resentment will permeate the relationship and will definitely ruin it. “Why don’t you do anything to make me feel good? - we ask, as a rule, unconsciously, and sometimes directly and frankly. “Why don’t you satisfy my needs?” There is now an Other sitting in front of us, who causes us frustration and a feeling of hostility, and is not at all the Other we were counting on . This outrages us. And then we feel that we have been betrayed, deceived, disappointed.

People have long invented ways to avoid the feeling of “Not-Self”:

1) Just keep the relationship shallow. Each partner in a couple goes into their own separate life, and they no longer have to deal with this pain. When they find themselves together, it is more like everyday life than a deep community. Even sexuality becomes a means of avoiding deep contact. But choosing superficial connections to satisfy basic needs is like swimming in shallow water, in a “paddling pool.” The price of such “freedom” is loneliness, refusal to develop and know oneself through another.

2) Focus on trying to change the other.

3) Change partners, maintaining the illusion that one day we will find the right person with whom there will be no “Not-I” feelings.

But this cannot happen. The experience of “Not-Self” is inevitable. He brings to the surface the wound of separation and we have to face it. In the end, we admit that in some deep and significant ways we are different. And that we cannot always interact or be in touch.

Where is the way out?

— Accept "Not-I". This is an important process of becoming mature, leading us to accept our own loneliness. Close relationships often lead us to our first and roughest encounters with loneliness. The deeper our intimacy with someone, the more painful the Not-Self feelings can be, because they go side by side with moments of deep merging.

- Be aware of exposure, vulnerability, acknowledge differences, but still keep your heart open.

- Find out who “I” really is!!!

Thus, the Other raises our unhealed wounds from the past, activating defenses, fears, resentments and disappointments. As we become more aware of our own projections, we come to parentally care for our Inner Child. We begin to take responsibility for our needs, rather than unconsciously expecting others to meet them .

Fear of merger

The fear of merging can be terrifying. Beneath it lies the fear of losing oneself. Pushing away intimacy for fear of being controlled, manipulated, or put down by a partner. Many try to cope with this fear by constantly isolating themselves, living in the illusion of false self-sufficiency and never really opening up.

Dance of fusion and separation

Learning the dance of merging and dividing means moving to a much higher level. At this point, each partner acknowledges that they carry deep wounds of fusion and separation that need to be worked through, and helps the other to do so.

There are several main reasons why this dance becomes difficult.

1. Firstly, we may have different tempos. One already wants to dance towards separation, and the other still wants to dance towards fusion. When this happens, the Inner Child can be hurt. The wounds of abandonment, fears of being misunderstood and deprived of respect, fear of being left without support and love come to the surface. The person who wants separation feels squeezed and limited, and the person who wants fusion feels abandoned.

2. Another difficulty is that both partners do not want or, on the contrary, give themselves permission to be total in fusion and separation. The dance does not flow unless we are determined in both situations - finding the courage to be alone when we need it, and the courage to share deeply when we are together.

This creates a confused, cloudy energy. For example, one of the partners feels guilty when he wants to be alone. This sends a vibration to the other that causes confusion because he/she feels that the first is not giving himself the space he needs and begins to wonder what he/she really wants. On the other hand, if the first one does not recognize this space of loneliness as valid and does not allow it to be, then he is filled with secret resentment and is not present when he is with his partner, only creating even more gloominess.

3. Another area where we need love and sensitivity is how we separate ourselves when we separate. Our Child is hurt if another abruptly or inexplicably breaks off contact. For the Child this is violent. We all need space and time to be alone, to be creative, to recharge, to find ourselves again. When such a need arises, we must do it. But HOW we do it is what really matters. If we can remain sensitive to the other when we retreat or withdraw into our own space, then we are not fueling the wound of abandonment (or at least not to that extent). If we separate gracefully and keep the interaction open, we are less likely to panic and we still remain connected.

See: Thomas Trobe, Facing Fear. A guide to intimacy" (https://www.koob.ru/krishnananda/)

Merger and separation - a journey into love and loneliness

“The balance between separation and fusion is like the union of love and meditation. Meditation contains the masculine quality of silence and solitude, while love contains the feminine quality of fusion and unity. The urge to meditate comes from a desire to separate and find one's unique, original self. The desire for love comes from the desire to dissolve, to return to the state of openness from which we came” (Thomas Trobe).

At the lowest level, at the level of the drama of the anti-addict and the addict, we are still trapped in misunderstandings and projections. At a higher level, our joint journey becomes the journey of two friends on the path to truth, helping each other with all their strength and experience to come to loneliness and merging, to learn to share the pain and fears associated with each of them. At the highest level, we integrate parts that we previously did not recognize as our own and rejected, and can open equally to both processes as they come.

In my understanding, love between two people can only take place when each of them has turned into a spiritually mature person, and it can only be truly deep and beautiful when the relationship comes from freedom.

1. Love is freedom, but not the kind of freedom that does not recognize obligations. Love is responsibility, obligations that you yourself voluntarily observe, and freedom of choice that you give to another person . It is important that our love does not become a suffocation for loved ones. Respect your obligations to your loved one, but at the same time allow him to breathe freely.

Nobody belongs to anyone! The partner is not our property. He is a person, a soul who decided to walk the path with us so that together we could grow. It's not always easy to let someone you love go free, but there is no other way. Life wisdom tells us: the more freedom we give to another, the closer he is to us.

2. To love is to be there when needed, and to step back a little when the space becomes too small for two. “When two devastated souls meet, they are immediately tired of each other, their relationship is doomed” (Jigme Rinpoche).

Partners in such intimate relationships move closer and further apart as they dance, they are not always psychologically together and may still quarrel and argue with each other, but they do so impartially and with respect for each other's needs and feelings. This becomes possible through trust and awareness.

3. Relationships of Freedom and Love are fundamental security. When two people learn to be independent, whole, autonomous people, they no longer need to defend themselves from each other, control (themselves and their partner) and manipulate. Love means that the person next to you can be real. He is allowed to be weak, allowed to doubt, allowed to be ugly, allowed to be sick, allowed to make mistakes. Loving a person more than the actions they perform. To be someone they know will never betray. We love and love just like that, for no reason, because we cannot help but love. We love out of abundance, not out of fear and insufficiency. We love not to rob, but to give, to give away what overwhelms us.

“Immature people, falling in love, destroy each other’s freedom, create dependence, build a prison. Mature people in love help each other to be free; they help each other eliminate any dependencies. When love lives in dependence, ugliness appears. And when love flows with freedom, beauty appears” (Osho).

Once you hide at least some part of yourself, there is no longer intimacy in the relationship. You need complete trust, total openness, vulnerability - this is the only way to get the keys to the doors (Osho)

Work algorithm

Exercise 1: Merging

Pretend that your loved one is sitting opposite you and wants to get closer, come closer. See what comes up in response to the following statements.

1. If I let you in, you...

2. If I show you who I am, you...

Exercise 2: Separation

As you explore the other polarity, ask yourself what are your fears of separation? Become aware of how you feel when you are separated (distanced) and when you are separated.

Separation can take two forms. Sometimes when we separate, we are in sync with each other and both want space. At another moment, one of us wants separation, the other does not. And these experiences feel very different.

As you answer the questions, again imagine yourself sitting across from your romantic partner, but also realize that the study could apply to anyone in your life.

1. Can you recognize when you want to step away and give yourself some space?

2. When you want space and solitude, do you follow this energy, or do you bind yourself with feelings of responsibility and guilt?

3. What do you look for when you take some emotional or physical distance?

4. Do you find that even when you are with someone, you always maintain distance, or are there times when you actually allow merging?

5. When breaking up, do you say anything or just walk away?

6. What happens to you when your romantic partner pulls away from you without saying anything?

7. Does anything change if you feel he or she is physically absent but still connected emotionally?

Elena Kirichenko

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Merging with mom. How wrong it is Merging with mother

Look (mentally) at the burial of a significant person, the head of a strong family, in some ancient times. You will see, for example, a bonfire on which, along with the body of the deceased, objects valuable to him (and to the survivors) are placed, and often some people - his wife, slaves, captives.

Why did the ancients burn and bury so much treasure for many millennia (there is still enough for grave diggers)? To ensure a good relationship with the spirit world. They wanted the person who left to not hold a grudge against those who remained (and one can only be sure of this if the person left consciously of his own free will - and this is not suicide - and there were probably always few of them; those who left with one degree or another of violence always dangerous).

And so they tried to “reset” the account of the deceased, to repay him, to pay his debts, so that he would really leave, and would not worm his way among the living and would not interfere with their lives. So: wives, slaves and jewelry in the tomb are efforts to “reset the score” so that the departed truly leaves. (And when he really goes into the world of the dead, he can, out of family love, benefit the living, but that’s another story.)