Stop shouting, or Is it possible to have a relationship without conflicts?

To anyone who has spent their entire life trying to please others, conflict seems dangerous. It lurks in the shadows of every friendship, hiding in the very heart of every relationship. And no matter how we, nice people, try to be flexible, accommodating and careful, conflicts happen. How you prepare for conflict determines how creative it will be for you.

Be diligent in maintaining an atmosphere of respect and safety

In our culture, conflict is presented as a kind of competition, which inevitably leads to the identification of a winner and a loser. It is not surprising that when a conflict arises, breathing quickens, sweating increases, the pulse quickens - and we prepare for a showdown. So the idea of using conflict as a mutual creative process may seem strange.

We are not born with the knowledge of how to make conflicts creative, and then we are not taught this either. It will take time, practice and a fair amount of humor to develop and make this skill habitual.

You could say that creative conflict is somewhat similar to staged fights in movies. From the outside it looks like a real fight, but there is no real danger in it, because all measures have been taken to reduce the risk of injury and injury. The purpose of a staged fight is not to determine a winner or loser, but to convey part of the film's plot and character traits. What three things does a stunt coordinator worry about most? Safety, safety and safety again.

Here are safety precautions that are important to remember in creative conflict:

Respect the other person (even when you are angry).
Allow him to express his feelings (without reacting reflexively).
Learn to express strong feelings without aggression.
Remember that resentment and anger hide care and tenderness.
Allow the other person to be independent and have personal space.
Be willing to analyze yourself and change.
Be open to changes in your loved one—and be grateful for it.
Allow different points of view to coexist in love and respect.

All of these skills are not easy to develop, but if you have already started working with seven practitioners, you have had the opportunity to become familiar with each of them. The goal is to expand the practice to include your loved one.

The expert explained how to force others to wear masks without conflict

In Chekhov near Moscow it is morning rush hour. Buses and minibuses arrive at the railway station one after another. Drivers are wearing masks, but passengers... Not everyone has personal protective equipment.

“Why aren’t you wearing a mask?” I ask a young mother with her schoolgirl daughter. Both get off the commuter bus without masks. The answer is silence and a contemptuous look. But an elderly woman intervenes in the conversation, who also got off the bus without personal protective equipment.

“Why do you pester people with this nonsense?! While we were on the bus, every five minutes we listened to an announcement that we needed to wear masks. Tired of it. They went out into the street - here you are again with your questions. I don’t believe in this Covid, they invented everything on purpose to fool and rob people.”

The angry woman walks off towards the commuter trains, and I ask the driver how many mask violators he comes across on his route?

“Young people mostly wear masks, they quickly adapted to them. But older people – who knows. Some pensioners will pull the mask up to their eyes and the gloves almost up to their elbows. And then they forget and start rubbing their eyes with dirty gloves or wiping sweat from their foreheads. Some, when they hear announcements about the need to maintain sanitary distance and mask requirements, begin to swear. These people don’t believe in danger and ignore all the rules.”

— Is it true that drivers were required to ensure that passengers adhere to the mask regime?

- Of course not. The driver must watch the road. We have no time to get into arguments with passengers. But we have started checking the lines again; inspectors enter the bus and, if they see that a passenger is not wearing personal protective equipment, they issue a warning.

- What if he doesn’t listen?

— Then the fine is up to 5,000 rubles.

By the way, no one in the Moscow region has canceled fines for violating sanitary standards of conduct in public places and transport, established by Rospotrebnadzor for the period of the coronavirus pandemic. It’s just that in the summer, when the number of new cases of infection began to decline, control over compliance with the mask regime became softer, but in September the incidence curve went up sharply and control was strengthened again. Inspections on public transport in the Moscow region are carried out by employees of the Administrative and Passenger Inspectorate. In the last week of September, 730 passengers received warnings, and 120 people were fined a total of about 600 thousand rubles.

Often people who are asked by inspectors to put on personal protective equipment explain that they forgot the mask at home. Therefore, medical masks began to be sold directly in buses. In total, since the mask regime was introduced, Mostransavto drivers have sold over 35 thousand personal protective equipment. Passengers can pay for the mask using a contactless bank card or Strelka transport card.

The carrier company must provide drivers, cashiers and controllers who come into contact with a large number of passengers with personal protective equipment - medical masks, gloves and antiseptic - free of charge.

Meanwhile, how do you ask a violator of the mask regime to put on PPE? Psychologist Olga ZYCHNAYA answers this question .

— Under no circumstances should you reproach anyone, “read morals,” and so on. This way you will only turn the person against you and make them angry. It’s better to politely ask to wear a mask and explain that you are afraid for your health. Usually people go to a meeting. You can use another technique. For example, say that you yourself are not feeling well and are afraid that you might infect the person sitting next to you if he is not wearing protective equipment. If your neighbor does not give in to any persuasion, simply change seats or move away from them. There is no need to enter into an argument with them, prove that you are right, or appeal to your conscience. Some people like to take on the role of public watchdog, although this role should be performed by a special inspectorate or the police.

Help "MK". From September 28, 2020, a strengthening of the mask regime will be introduced in the Moscow region. Residents and guests of the Moscow region, while in public places (shops, shopping centers, pharmacies, offices), as well as in public transport and on the adjacent infrastructure (railway platforms, tunnels), must wear medical masks or respirators. Violators of the mask regime will be fined, the fine amount is 4000-5000 rubles.

Choose the right place and time

Let's pause for a moment to talk about location selection. The couple should choose the appropriate one to sort out the relationship. Many of you will decide that arguing at the table is a bad idea, as it is harmful to your health and digestion. The bedroom is not suitable either: the bed is a place of relaxation and pleasure. Talk in the living room - it will be comfortable for both of them there, and in addition, you can comfortably sit opposite each other or next to each other. In addition, if someone needs a break, they will simply retreat to the kitchen or bedroom.

Some people prefer to leave a day or two before the showdown begins (and between exchanges), but some may find this unbearable and will want to resolve everything quickly. But even in this case, it is not harmful to spend some time alone with yourself to calm down, sort out your feelings and collect your thoughts. Each couple must independently choose the place and time to talk.

Skills Needed for Creative Conflict

Preliminary designation of the conflict.
Truthfulness.
Ability to express difficult and frightening emotions.
The ability to give sincere compliments.
The ability to restrain emotions.
Ability to perceive difficult and frightening emotions.
The ability to actively listen.
Ability to respond.

Classification of conflicts

Positive character traits of a person - what applies to them

Conflict of interests has a fairly broad classification:

By impact on the organization’s activities (facilitating or hindering the adoption of correct decisions):

constructive (develop the organization thanks to adequate communication);
destructive (hostility, rivalry).

By content:

realistic (dissatisfaction, injustice);
unrealistic (intentional aggression, provocation).

By the nature of the participants:

intrapersonal (internal dispute);
interpersonal (between two opponents);
intergroup (between several groups);
between an individual and a group (for example, superiors and subordinates).

Dispute helps clarify relationships

By areas of manifestation:

social (in the system of relationships between individuals);
political (struggle based on power);
economic (for example, a dispute over property).

According to the severity of the confrontation:

hidden (without external aggressive actions);
open (provocation, for example, war).

Preliminary designation of the conflict

Before you start saying what's on your mind, say a few words to signal the beginning of creative conflict. Such a prelude helps you realize that something important and difficult is coming. In addition, you will remember those skills that will help you resolve everything amicably. This is a way to make sure that both will be careful and attentive, a way to show your readiness and make sure that the other person is ready.

Of course, each couple has their own way of approaching such conversations that suits them personally. It could be something as simple as “I’m ready. Are you ready?" or a short prayer that can be read together or separately. If you wish, you can start by showing respect for each other's qualities. Perhaps it is enough for one to speak and the other to listen. If you're both willing to speak and hear the truth—and are willing to make changes—these words will help and you won't be in any danger.

Emotions that should not be directed at your partner:

Curses and insults.
Sarcasm.
Labels and diagnoses (“You have the same problem with your mother”).
Assumptions about the partner’s goals and motives (“You say that on purpose to make me feel small”).
Expressing emotions in general rather than specifically (“I hate you” instead of “I hate it when you do that” or “When you do that it makes me angry”).

Two tips for expressing difficult emotions:

Focus on your own emotions and problems.
Don't lose touch with your interlocutor.

Causes of the conflict

Negative character traits - how to find and correct negative qualities

Among the main reasons for conflicts of interest are the following:

Difference of views and opinions, inability to agree with the interlocutor.
Different levels of social status, class. An example is the confrontation between a boss and a subordinate.
Mismatch between expectations and results.
Misunderstandings, misunderstandings, logical and semantic difficulties.

The factor that intensifies the conflict can be briefly described as the incompatibility of the interlocutors’ claims due to limited opportunities to resolve them. Some individuals prefer to avoid such situations, refuse to argue or sort things out. However, it is impossible to do this always, since without a conflict of interests, society would cease to exist due to the complete satisfaction of all needs, which would slow down development.

Ability to give sincere compliments

Compliments? It seems that giving compliments is so easy that you shouldn’t even pay attention to it. Just one compliment can change the direction of the conflict - from a difficult determination of who is right and who is wrong, into a stormy declaration of mutual love. There is only one rule: a compliment must be dictated by sincere gratitude or admiration. If the compliment is false or forced, nothing will work. In other words, if a person feels appreciated, cared for, and loved during a conflict, there is no harm in saying so.

Armed conflict

From a global point of view, a conflict in which states use weapons without going to the stage of war is very dangerous. It represents one of the forms of resolving political, religious, territorial, national-ethnic and other contradictions. In this confrontation, as a rule, private military-political goals are pursued.

An armed conflict may result from the escalation of a dangerous incident or cross-border confrontation. Clashes using weapons can occur within the territorial boundaries of one state, being internal in nature. The participation of one or more states creates international conflicts, often having a political form and of various types. The most common division is into symmetrical and asymmetrical.

Symmetrical international conflicts are characterized by approximately equal potential of the parties involved, while asymmetrical ones are characterized by a sharp difference in the strength and power of the state.

Ability to perceive difficult and frightening emotions

The ability to hold back your emotions while listening to your partner opens up many opportunities for development and growth. However, we should not forget that this skill requires considerable training and is not easy for beginners. People do not come into this world knowing how to perceive the expression of someone’s feelings, and we ourselves were not born with the ability to restrain our own impulses. We'll list skills that can help you overcome this challenge shortly, but first and foremost is self-compassion. The listener must understand that even the most unpleasant emotions are natural to humans.

If the initiator of the conflict is the interlocutor

A reminder on how to avoid conflict if it is initiated by another person. This is quite unpleasant, but even in this case, an unpleasant situation can be resolved if you behave correctly:

Just keep quiet. Listen silently to your interlocutor until he says everything he was going to say. A person cannot talk to himself for a long time. Don't figure out a situation when the other person is full of negative emotions. Eventually he will shut up and calm down. Discuss the annoying situation with him later when you are both in a calm state.
Behave outside the box. If your husband yells at you , hug him and kiss him. When talking with your interlocutor, try to shift the conversation to another topic. Ask to close the window or pour water for you.
Don't get hung up on words. Don't pick on individual words or phrases. Taken out of context, they lose their original meaning. Such behavior is guaranteed to cause a huge scandal.
Don't feel guilty. If the interlocutor attacked you, this does not mean that you are really to blame. It is possible that the reason for his irritation is failures at work, the rudeness of others, a quarrel with friends. After all, not everything revolves around you, you can simply fall under the hot hand of your interlocutor.

Active listening skills

You need to create in your partner a feeling of your involvement in what is happening, monitoring the feelings of both. This doesn’t mean you have to pretend to be an attentive listener while thinking about football statistics or remembering the lyrics to Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody.” You just need to sincerely perceive your partner’s words - it will be read in the eyes. There is no need to overreact or hide your emotions. If something hurts, it will show. If something makes him laugh, he needs to laugh. Your partner will know by his facial expression and body language that you are really paying attention.

Stages of conflict development

Stages of conflict development:

origin of the conflict;
understanding the current situation;
conflict behavior of participants, expressed emotionally and promoting the realization of their own interests to the detriment of the opposite party;
unfolding or resolving a conflict. This outcome depends on its participants, their personal characteristics, interaction tactics, material capabilities and, naturally, the scale of the problem itself.

People, faced with such a social phenomenon, sometimes do not know what to do, how to behave, and accept the current situation as it is. However, it is worth taking a closer look at the other side of the coin. So what is conflict? This:

the opportunity to move to a new stage of relationships;
time to review life principles and make fundamental decisions.

The ability to change something in your life during this crisis will be the most correct solution to this situation. Success is the very recognition of conflict; the main thing is not to give up on his decision.

Ability to answer

Do not offer ready-made unilateral solutions designed to smooth out unpleasant feelings. When the time comes for decisions, both should speak out and free themselves from the burden of worries, and then find practical solutions to all problems. Some words are needed to simply express emotions and do not require a response. Of course, the conflict may continue. It is possible that there will be several more rounds of monologues. But now the partners’ emotions are under control, and they themselves have shown sufficient mutual respect, honestly sharing their feelings and listening carefully to each other.

Positive and negative sides of the conflict

Conflict has positive and negative sides. The positive aspects of the conflict help to lift the veil of the opponents' thoughts, even if they try to convince each other that they are right in an aggressive and assertive manner. By maintaining a strong position, they allow themselves to express themselves directly, which often sounds negative. However, having received the information flow and treating it adequately, one can draw a number of conclusions where there are general compromises.

It may not be possible to completely resolve the problem, at least not immediately. The negative side of this phenomenon includes emotional instability, which can make it difficult to make a general decision or find a compromise.

Learn to stop and stop

The habit of reflexively defending ourselves is deeply ingrained, and couples can again and again fall into the habitual patterns of behavior that typically guide their conflicts.

It is worth repeating the phrase “Your job is to stop a dangerous process.” This is especially important because nice people routinely expect the person they love to be able to read their minds. When a loved one is unable to communicate normally (by threatening, blaming or complaining), when he expresses too violently what has accumulated in his soul, there are times when listening becomes unbearable. Pretending to listen or waiting until the other person is exhausted is dishonest and harmful. Now is the time to intervene by saying something like this: “Sorry, I can’t listen to this right now. I need to be alone. Let's finish this conversation another time."

There is another rule: if one stops, both stop. A common mistake is this: a person overloaded with what he has heard asks to stop talking only so that he can have the opportunity to speak out himself. In this case, the interlocutor will feel confused or deceived, and this undermines mutual trust.

What is conflict

Conflict is a way of resolving a controversial situation, contradictions that arise during a conversation or discussion between people. Despite the fact that the concept itself is associated with something destructive, conflict performs both positive and negative functions.

Every area of a person’s life has a period when he must defend his opinion. The interlocutor becomes an opponent, the conversation takes on tense notes, and people often quarrel. They consider themselves to be right, not yielding during the conflict. This makes it negative.

If you are able to adequately perceive information from both sides, there is a great opportunity to find a so-called compromise, in other words, to come to a common opinion, to resolve the issue so that both parties are satisfied with the result.

Asylum

At times like these, both the speaker and the listener may need shelter. In this case, we are talking about temporary refuge from a developing conflict. It’s good if the couple agrees on a symbol, for example, simply the word “shelter”, making it clear that the conversation should be stopped and spent some time apart. It is better to agree in advance that if one gives such a sign, the request must be fulfilled.

This can be very difficult. If you are talking about feelings that are intimate and important to you, the listener's sudden withdrawal can be very hurtful. You may feel abandoned—or that your revelations are so disgusting that staying with you is unbearable. Well, if you were listening carefully, sympathizing and waiting for your turn, and then the conversation was stopped, this may seem like a monstrous injustice.

When this happens, it is extremely important to take care of yourself. You can go for a brisk walk, meditate, hit a punching bag well, read a book, watch a basketball game, or wash the dishes—whatever you do should distract you from the topics and passions at hand so that you can return to the conflict more balanced. You are not responsible for the feelings of your loved one, but you can be responsible for yourself. Now your energy should be focused on calming down. Relationships will benefit if both master this skill.

Asylum rules:

Don't use it too often.
Plan to continue the discussion.

Types of conflicts

There are two types of conflict: hidden and open.

Open can be identified immediately, since the negative is obvious. This is communication in a raised voice, violent statements of claims, sudden movements, undisguised anger, breaking dishes and other noisy manifestations.

A hidden conflict, characterized by the absence of aggressive actions, is a dangerous phenomenon, since it can last for a long period, under the quiet mask of negativity. Due to a lack of influence or the inability to conduct open resistance, the opponent tends to use indirect, rather effective methods. Conflicts are difficult to avoid if there is understatement, unresolved problems due to the ambiguity of the current situation, under the fear of breaking relationships, fear of losing a job, friends and the possibility of being left alone. Trying to prevent such an outcome of the problem, a person avoids annoying and painful conversations, choosing silence (or rather, silence); in other words, he puts on a mask and hides in his own shell to avoid escalating the situation. This is not the right decision, as the situation may worsen and lead to an emotional explosion. A state of latent conflict that can last for many years can transfer it to a frozen stage.

And again we beat a dead dog...

Many couples stumble over the inability to discuss any problem to the end. Everything starts well, but in the end you are left with a feeling of emptiness and senselessness of wasted time. It seems that not a single issue has been resolved. Most often, this happens for the simple reason that one or both partners do not feel heard - most likely because they failed to listen properly. Without this skill it is impossible to build a creative conflict.

Another potential problem is this: conflict resolution means accepting the other party's opinion or decision. Often, points of view differ so much that no matter how many conflicts occur, it is impossible to reach an agreement. In such situations, the couple will have to find ways to move on with all their differences while respecting each other's honesty.

There is also a risk of missing the moment when the conflict is successfully resolved. The feelings overwhelming the debaters make it difficult to stop and say: “It looks like we have sorted out most of the issues. We’ll put the rest aside until better times.” Well, people who were once famous find it difficult to get rid of the feeling of incompleteness if the conflict is not resolved perfectly. If you get to the root of this feeling, something like this will appear: “If we quarrel, he will stop loving me and will probably leave.” In fact, normal relationships are able to withstand such tests and are built taking into account possible disagreements. And if it was possible to agree on the main issues, the details can be left out. If there is something important there, it will remind you of itself, and this issue can be discussed later. Or (which also happens quite often) what was put aside will be forgotten within a week.

An excellent approach is to solve some of the problems and move the rest “for later”, so as not to exhaust each other with endless discussions. A well-conducted (even if short) “conflict meeting” will allow the partners to be proud of themselves and each other.

Once you learn to conflict creatively, amazing things happen: relationships that seemed unsatisfactory or fading begin to truly excite. And soon they become more joyful, light and sexy. Why? Well, at least because unspoken problems crowd around us like an invisible smoke screen, poisoning the atmosphere. Those sparks that we tried to strike in the stale air of resentment and suppressed feelings instantly went out. When the air becomes fresh, there is enough oxygen for sparks to ignite the flame of love.

Rules for avoiding conflicts

Some important tips. Follow them and you can avoid conflicts:

Always make decisions with a clear head. Emotions should not prevail in them. It happens that in a fit of irritation and negativity a person will say a lot of unnecessary things or even commit certain actions, and then begin to regret it. Negative emotions are the road to nowhere. It is not for nothing that in the East, when teaching how to avoid conflict situations, such attention is paid to the ability to control oneself and one’s feelings. Think about solving the problem, rather than solving it at the peak of an emotional outburst. Take the example of Eastern monks - always calm and reasonable.
Don't beat yourself up. Live in accordance with the Eastern wisdom: “The less I think, the happier I am.” Remember the situation when you created a problem for yourself, screwed yourself up, got offended, and even made a conflict out of it. There is no need to think too much about problems. Otherwise, not only will you not be able to figure out how to resolve a conflict situation, but you may also invent a chain of non-existent events, and then exaggerate them to a universal scale and believe it.
For example, your business partner is late for a meeting, you cannot contact him and begin to make various assumptions about the situation and blame him for something. But all these accusations are based on far-fetched versions. After all, you don’t know the real reasons for being late. Perhaps this person is not to blame at all. Don’t get nervous ahead of time, because it’s unreasonable and can provoke a quarrel.
It is important to choose the right moment. If you feel that the interlocutor is out of sorts and is in a bad mood, do not interfere with his conversation. Wait until tomorrow. In addition, it is better to conduct any negotiations after lunch. By this time, the person will have time to have lunch, relax, and get back to work. And it’s better to negotiate with a well-fed friend, not with a hungry friend.
Find out the cause, not the effect. We all hate conflicts . But we don’t always think about what caused this person’s behavior? Try to analyze the situation and your relationship with this person as a whole in order to understand how to avoid conflicts with him.
Be here now. Don't dwell on past memories. There is no need to reproach a person for what has already passed, or to remember your past grievances against him. This will only fuel your current conflict. Treat the situation rationally. The past is already in oblivion, and nothing can be changed in it, and we do not know the future. You can only influence the current situation and nothing but “now” exists.
Don't accumulate problems. Solve problems as they arise. Don't accumulate worries and resentments. Discuss everything right away, decide and come to an agreement. Otherwise, problems will turn into a snowball, which will eventually fall on your head, showering you with the cold of unpleasant situations and conflicts.
Don't hold grudges. Don’t hatch a plan for revenge, don’t think of anything. Learn to discuss controversial issues calmly and without emotions. This will eliminate unnecessary speculation and help improve relationships.
Don't insult. This is the lowest it can be. If a person insults his interlocutor, he shows weakness and inability to prove his position. The one who insults is the one who understands that he is wrong and does not find other ways to show superiority other than to say nasty things. Insults will become the basis for a new conflict; they will in no way solve the situation.
Watch your tone. Not only words, but also intonation can offend. Watch the tone in which you speak. Don’t tease, don’t be sarcastic, don’t make fun of any qualities - your interlocutor definitely won’t like it. Always put yourself in the other person's shoes and treat them the way you want them to treat you.
Don't get hysterical. This is a type of manipulation of another person. Even if the conflict stops at this moment, the problem that caused it will not be resolved, and as a result, everything will remain as it was.

Characters of the conflict

In any conflict, the following actors are distinguished:

A conflict participant is a person or group of people who are involved in a conflict situation. The participant may not even be aware of the true goals and objectives of the confrontation.

The direct participant in the conflict is the instigator. It is he who initiates the showdown.

The subject of the conflict is a person or group of people who creates an opposing situation. The subject is able to sufficiently influence the course of the conflict, focusing on his interests. The subject also influences the behavior and position of the participants in the conflict, involves new subjects in it and is capable of causing changes in social relations.

The parties to the conflict are new unities that are capable of acting as an independent whole. The parties to the conflict include only those social entities that take active actions towards each other. The parties to the conflict are unities that are formed around newly emerging issues from the remnants of old, disintegrated groups.

Goals and motives

The goal of the conflict is to change the situation in a favorable direction . A person strives to improve the situation and solve the issues that trouble him. He wants to get rid of misunderstandings, find answers, decides to find out whether to continue the relationship or end it.

Motives are formed by internal components, beliefs, and outlook on life. They are also influenced by circumstances and the social environment.

Motives are the force that pushes individuals toward conflict . They can vary greatly depending on the situation. As a rule, they are:

interests;
values;
goals;
ideals;
beliefs.

The social conditions in which a person finds himself can have a certain impact on the individual’s mood, his mood and worldview.

Strategies for dealing with conflict:

How to determine a person's character by appearance? Find out about this from our article.

Sociology of conflict

In any society, clashes are inevitable, because this is the main condition for the development of society. Moreover, the more complex it is, the more groups with divergent and mutually exclusive interests there are, the more reasons for confrontation to arise. Conflict resolution largely depends on the goals pursued by the subjects and their desire to resolve the situation in a positive or negative way. An open struggle between the parties and a real confrontation can be provoked by the incompatibility of needs and values.

Psychology of conflict

When there is no agreement between the parties, when each wants to take a position that is incompatible or contrary to the interests of the other, a clash arises. The concept of conflict is studied by the science of conflictology. It identifies the problem, the motives that prompt the participants to confrontation, their positions and goals. The essence of conflicts is diverse, but tension and negative emotions always arise between the participants, but if desired, you can find a way out of this situation.