Sometimes a voluptuous attraction to a person can be so strong that it can be mistaken for love. The saying goes that love is blind, but the same is true of lust. When you are in love, you are blind to your partner's shortcomings, but when you are in a state of all-consuming lust, you may also be blind to reality.
It is not surprising that people have difficulty distinguishing between love and lust, given that the two activate similar neural pathways in the brain associated with self-esteem, goal-oriented behavior, happiness, reward and addiction.
Love and lust from a scientific point of viewi
Psychologists and sexologists interpret the concept of love as a long-term attraction with a deep sense of emotional attachment to another person. Lust is a physical attraction with an overwhelming feeling of sexual desire due to the active production of hormones.
In the 1990s, a group of scientists led by biological anthropologist Helen Fisher studied the science of lust and love. The researchers decided to divide romantic love as a mental phenomenon into three categories: lust, enduring attraction and attachment, since each of these feelings, as it turned out, has its own difference in brain chemical signals.
It turns out that passion, fueled solely by the thirst for sexual satisfaction, releases testosterone with estrogen, that is, hormones that increase the individual's libido. Desire beyond sex triggers the release of neurotransmitters such as dopamine and norepinephrine, which can lead to feelings of elation, as well as loss of appetite and decreased need for sleep.
Attachment or “concomitant love”, compared to lust and attraction, is safer, more reasonable, longer lasting, and this is associated with the production of the hormones oxytocin and vasopressin.
Feelings of infatuation and love: the difference
What is infatuation and love? There is a difference between these feelings. Many people are interested in how to differentiate these concepts, what they have in common and how they differ. How to distinguish love from infatuation will be of interest to everyone, because almost every person encounters such feelings. The first concept is more capacious. Love is a deep feeling, acceptance of a person with his strengths and weaknesses. It is not inherent to everyone. Some people falsely believe that they love, but after a while they realize the absurdity of their judgment, forgetting the person.
What is the difference between love and infatuation? The second feeling is a kind of euphoria in which one feels a constant desire for the presence of the object. There are enough differences between the two concepts, but some of them are controversial, because everyone loves in their own way.
The difference between love and falling in love also lies in the attitude towards the person. In the first case, there is no dependence, jealousy, rejection, or violent emotions. A person feels comfort and calm. In the second case, euphoria first occurs, then it is replaced by irritability in the absence of an object.
Difference between concepts
The difference between love and infatuation lies in the energy with which a person is filled and in the peculiar aftertaste. In the second case, when a stormy feeling arises, a surge of strength occurs, emotions overflow. In this case, the object is often idealized. When a feeling of love arises, there is no need for a person’s constant presence. You can calmly let him go, wishing him happiness. In this case, no violent reaction occurs inside. The concept of love is so broad that it is quite difficult to describe it.
Men and women experience this feeling differently. Representatives of the stronger sex are more restrained in expressing emotions, so you should not expect a similar reaction, as is the case with girls. Women often do not know the limits and often become dependent on feelings, which is also not positive.
How to understand whether it is love or infatuation? Modern psychology will help you figure this out. Popular author Viktor Dobroslavovich points out that there is a huge difference between falling in love and love. At the same time, he describes possible mistakes that await a couple at the very beginning of a relationship.
When we fall in love, it seems that the whole world is transformed. The colors become so bright that everything around is seen in sunlight. One of the world's psychotherapists compared this feeling to a kind of drug addiction. In the presence of a desired object, a large amount of hormones of joy and pleasure are produced. If you abruptly remove a person or break off contact, then real withdrawal begins.
Expert opinion 2
However, aside from brain chemistry, which cannot be tested on your own, how can you tell if what you're feeling is love or a fleeting sexual attraction? Simone Humphrey, Doctor of Psychology, and Signe Simon, Doctor of Philosophy, conducted many years of joint work in which they analyzed the differences in the behavior, sensations, and desires of a person in a state of exclusively sexual attraction and real deep love. Some of their findings will help you understand exactly what feelings you are experiencing.
You can't stop talking3
Two people, passionately connected only by the desire for sexual intimacy, can easily stay up until the morning because of their intimate entertainment. But this will not be a stimulating factor for their verbal communication, and the couple will not stay awake all night for the sake of talking.
However, two people in love are just as interested in spiritual, intellectual knowledge of each other as in physical intimacy. It's easy for a couple to lose track of time, even if they're focused solely on conversation. In this case, the partners do not “get hung up” on the topic of conversation, and, even if they do not agree on everything, each of them will remain intrigued by the worldview of their interlocutor.
"Symptoms" of true love
Loving people sincerely open up to each other. This is a strong meaningful feeling . Other signs of love:
- desire to give as much as possible;
- the need to be faithful;
- the ability to accept the shortcomings of a loved one.
Deep feelings
If love is real, a person loves both his partner’s advantages and his disadvantages. His attitude does not change during conflicts and other crises. A lover deeply respects his chosen one, even when he finds himself in absurd situations. There is no place for idealization in such a union. As people get to know each other, they only fall in love more. And when obstacles appear, they fight them together.
Mutual trust
Love is impossible without the frankness of the halves. In psychology, trust between partners is defined as a complex psychological phenomenon caused by similar experiences and views. People are not afraid to remain themselves in such relationships; they reveal their real “I”. Love inspires them to express themselves. The feeling stimulates you to study yourself, revealing yourself to your loved one.
The desire to “give”
Another important difference between affection and strong feelings: affection is caring for oneself, love is caring for a loved one. The lover strives to please the chosen one, to please him. There is a need to see the positive emotions of your other half, even if you have to risk a lot.
A deeply loving person strives to “get the stars” for his beloved. For him, the main goal is the happiness of the chosen one, and not his own. He is interested in the self-development of the object of his love. Wishes him happiness, regardless of his own goals and views. In a formal relationship, a person is glad that he just has someone.
Love for another person is a skill characteristic of a highly developed person. An individual with a neurotic psyche is self-centered and selfish. He needs relationships for his own happiness, and he is not interested in the well-being of his chosen one. Highly developed persons know how to live for another personality without dissolving in it. They are aware of their part of the blame if problems arise. When two highly developed personalities find each other, they are able to survive any crisis.
If in a couple only one “gives”, this is painful love. We need harmony. It is important to negotiate and give in. However, the balance will be different for all couples. The main thing is that both companions feel comfortable. For example, one of them does not know how to concede, while the second makes contact more easily. Such relationships work if they suit both. You don't have to try to achieve a 50/50 balance.
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Loyalty of partners
It's not just about intimate fidelity. Devoted halves know how to overcome difficulties together. Conflict does not lead to separation. The romantic union, on the contrary, becomes stronger.
Although “bodily” devotion is also important. Lovers have a need to be faithful. This is not an oppressive obligation, but a sincere desire. I want to preserve the passion and, if necessary, warm it up. And wasting energy on others seems pointless. Staying faithful is easy and pleasant.
Loyalty should not be confused with lack of freedom. Love helps a person to open up and develop. Loving people remain themselves in relationships. Each participant maintains connections with old comrades. The halves have interests outside the relationship.
You can't stop thinking about your loved one5
Of course, the object of lust is also capable of occupying your thoughts, some of which are devoted not to the person himself, but to savoring the physical aspects of your relationship and, perhaps, sexual fantasies in which you both figure.
For those who are in love, thoughts about a loved one become a kind of obsession. You will remember his or her words, actions, behavior, and only in a positive aspect. Your memory returns again and again to hugs, kisses, gentle touches and glances, everything that you experienced the day before.
You will begin to think about what you will say to your partner when you meet, how you can please, surprise or make him laugh. And guess what? In feverishly excited thoughts, physical intimacy will not be the main focus, although it cannot be said that your thoughts will remain completely pure.
Do you want to know the close circle of your loved one 6
Lust extends only to the object of lust itself. You are not interested in his or her circle of family and friends; you have no desire to get to know their relatives and close friends, much less like them.
Love encourages the desire to know all aspects of a partner's life. Your loved one may talk a lot about the people around him, but you want to get to know them personally, and not only get to know them, but also like them. You will also want to build good relationships with them and win their sympathy. You will feel that your loved one's close circle, especially his family, is a vital part of the development of your relationship.
In turn, you'll be excited and proud to introduce him or her to your best friends and family, and you'll want them to adore your new partner and see the same qualities in him or her that you appreciate.
What are deep feelings, how can you know them and feel what is needed for this?
So, one day I saw books by Anastasia Novykh on one of the Internet sites. After reading them all, I realized that deep feelings can only be known by working on yourself. When you walk the spiritual path, you thank everything and everyone. The love that comes from inside fills me and flows out, filling the whole world. I fully and deeply realized the meaning of the words “Life is never temporary.”
I heard this many times before, but only now I realized that matter is temporary and mortal. And what I feel is endless and eternal. Sincere Love is tender and dear, affectionate and warm.
But in order to feel, you need to cleanse the vessel for a pure and living feeling of Divine grace and happiness. Meditations and spiritual practices, knowledge contained in the books of Anastasia Novykh helped me in this cleansing. They truly are the keys that open the door to the most intimate and dear. For a pure and bright feeling of Divine grace and happiness.
You accept your lover's flaws 7
With the rational mind of modern man, we are all well aware that no one is perfect, but we easily lose sight of this when we are blinded by hormones and desire. When we lust after someone, we form an idealized idea of a person, and do not see his real image.
We all also tend to imagine an ideal version of ourselves when a relationship begins to blossom, and try not to show our flaws, at least those that we are aware of. We get to know others and reveal ourselves only over time.
When the self-control of both partners weakens, and the veil of the first enthusiasm falls from your eyes, you recognize the person for who he really is. This will either end the relationship, meaning it will never get past the lust stage, or your feelings will remain the same, indicating that it is growing and turning into true love. If you love, then you are aware of your partner’s shortcomings, accept them and, most likely, consider some of them as advantages.
General signs
Every person in love behaves differently when it comes to real feelings. But everyone is united by common signs that manifest themselves almost identically and allow one to guess that true love has intervened. If the first spark has flashed between two people, you can find out about it with the help of non-verbal and explicit signals.
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Common
A loving person always strives to touch his chosen one and will try to be nearby as much as possible, even when they are separated by distance. The feeling is signaled by the desire to constantly hold the hand of the object of passion, subconsciously afraid of losing him.
The lover strives to communicate with his chosen one or chosen one as often as possible; if this is not possible in person, then through calls or correspondence. The list of signs also includes the desire to move the relationship from romantic to more serious, if a person is truly confident in his partner.
Nonverbal
If a man or woman hides attraction, special non-verbal signs will give them away in any case. They vary depending on the character of a particular person, but most often they manifest themselves in the same way. The most obvious signs are the appearance of a blush in the presence of the person you like, a change in voice, awkwardness in movements. Sometimes people try to show indifference for fear of being rejected and pretend that they are not in love at all.
Men try to discreetly touch their beloved, try to constantly be in her field of vision, offer their help even if it is not required, show interest in the woman’s affairs and communicate with her extremely frankly. Girls behave differently, but at the same time they attract maximum attention to themselves, become more caring, and show increased interest in a man. They strive to show their sexuality, which is expressed in a sudden change in image.
Hidden
Hidden signs in free people, as well as in married women and married men, are expressed in a sharp change in attitude towards the chosen one or chosen one. The first sign of real feeling is attentiveness to the needs of your loved one, the desire to improve the quality of his life, and completely unselfishly. In the presence of real love, a person ceases to be an egoist and begins to put the interests of the object above his own. He also voluntarily takes on obligations and may even refuse a number of opportunities for the sake of another person.
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People in love strive to develop as much as possible next to their loved one, voluntarily make changes in life and try to become better. At the same time, they do not limit the freedom of the chosen one or the chosen one, they show the utmost trust and respect. If a person loves, he is actively interested in the hobbies of the object and takes part in them. All lovers become completely close on an intellectual, emotional and physical level. In such relationships, everyone realizes that they are ready to go to great lengths for the sake of the other person.
True feeling takes time8
Despite what you may think, there is no such thing as love at first sight. Sure, you may experience instant sexual attraction and what feels like being struck by lightning with fireworks in your head the first time you kiss. It's easy to confuse all this with love, especially if the relationship continues to develop.
It’s not uncommon for the stage of lust to develop into real strong feelings, but this takes time. True love, with its deep affection and sense of security, does not appear instantly. To love someone, you have to spend time with them and really get to know the person.
True feelings
She has long everything that should be long: legs, hair, nails. She has rounded everything that should be rounded (we won’t list it out of modesty). She goes on dates without underwear, so she has a mysterious smile on her face and a sexy aura that envelops her from head to toe.
She makes decent money and looks stylish. She radiates exclusively positive energy. We can say that everything about her is beautiful: her face, her thoughts, her soul, and her clothes. But she doesn’t stop, she never stops improving it all! She already has “positive thinking,” that is, she cuts off any negative feelings and thoughts that visit her. And I almost learned to love myself.
There is nothing else left for her. Because she has no one to love but herself. For all her merits, she just can’t get married. She begins to suspect that real men have disappeared. And I’m already ready to go to the “school of bitches.”
This is a portrait of a modern young lady of marriageable age from 20 to 50 years old. There are more and more of them, equally lonely “smart and beautiful women” who dream of finding their feminine happiness. And the first to respond to the groan of lonely hearts was the Market.
Programs and talk shows appeared about love and family. Glamorous literature is replete with advice: where to find a husband, how to catch him and what sauce to prepare him for marriage. But psychological training is especially rampant. It’s like a “dream factory” churning out “dolls” one pattern at a time.
I remember when we were in elementary school they took us to a toy factory. There was a workshop where they made plastic baby dolls. They were glued together from two halves. On the left lay a pile with butts, on the right - with faces. The factory worker, without looking, took half on the left, half on the right, hop - and it was done. Then completely identical, eyeless, mouthless dolls crawled along the conveyor belt for coloring.
Perhaps psychological trainings are guided by the same principle: be standard, and you will easily find your soul mate?
Most modern young ladies of marriageable age and their potential grooms are affected by a very dangerous disease. Its name is infantilism, and it confidently walks across the planet. Neither a playboy nor an innocent maiden is safe from it, there is no cure for it, but it cripples destinies and ruins lives.
You need to know the enemy by sight. I will try to explain what kind of plague this is, which has become so widespread in our time. Carl Gustav Jung will help me with this.
An infant is an adult according to his passport, but with childish values and attitudes. And infantilism is terrible because it does not allow a person to grow into a Personality. The infant's ideas about the world, people, and life are simplified and flattened. And if the Personality lives in the real world, then the infant lives in the illusory one.
The personality sees life as complex and multidimensional. The Infant imagines her as something of a kinder surprise. You just need to understand which side to unfold, and then you will find solid chocolate and a cute little gift inside.
A person learns from his own and others’ mistakes. The infant, stepping on the same rake, is surprised every time. The personality tries to comprehend the laws of life. The infant craves recipes, tips and schemes. A person wants to understand what happiness is for him. The infant is guided by the principle “this is how it is done.” Over the years, a personality becomes deeper, more interesting, and smarter. The infant does not change. A person creates his own life. The infant can only imitate. That's why all the infantas are filled to capacity with stamps. For different occasions: from simple - what to wear to serious - what to think, how to live.
Truly, our well-fed and calm time gave birth to such a number of clones that the Soviet government could not have dreamed of in its happiest dream. Homo sapiens quickly degenerated into Homo standard...
The infants' concept of love is close to Disney cartoons. They want a man to be easy, warm, fun and pleasant. To provide, care and protect. So that he is smart, handsome, mentally sensitive, generous, with a sense of humor and, of course, rich... That is, a vacuum cleaner, refrigerator and washing machine in one bottle. It would be nice if this miracle of technology could also sing a lullaby.
And for this she promises to devote her best years to him, give him affection, love and encourage him to even greater achievements.
He's lying! An infantile person is capable of maximum passion. The feelings of the infants can be compared to a sparkler, which quickly flares up, burns brightly and goes out just as quickly. Looking at the charred stick, the infant decides that he is unlucky again. Perhaps this is why infantas cannot be in a serious relationship with anyone for a long time. They blame it on differences in tastes, temperaments, circumstances...
But the point is completely different. The infant is too absorbed in himself and his interests. He, like a small child, is not capable of truly deeply and subtly feeling another person. His main value remains the satisfaction of his own needs - for protection, warmth, saturation (C. Jung). That is why every second young lady assures that only in marriage can she feel protected.
By the way, the infant will never say: I don’t understand people. He says: people don't understand me.
Thus, the infant does not see the world around him, but invents it. However, he also invents himself. Creates in his imagination a certain image that is far from reality.
Probably everyone has someone around them who, as a child, was taught by their relatives how talented and extraordinary he is. The life of such a person, as a rule, does not work out, and his fate never turns out to be the way he sees it (Jung). And all because his fantasies about his own dazzling in no way correspond to reality.
Today, the role of soul-crippling relatives has been taken on by psychological training and popular psychological literature. There they will explain to you what a treasure you must feel like in order to achieve success. You must believe that you are charming, attractive and a real love magnet! So what if there is no confirmation of this... Away with doubts and fears, away with smart and sober thoughts - they are not positive.
Modern men are no less infantile than women. It would seem, what is the problem? An infant meets an infant, they have the same values, why shouldn’t they get married? But no, they, like negatively charged electrons, repel each other!
The fact is that they have the same flaw: the immature psyche of any infant is characterized by an unconscious spontaneous defense from responsibility (Jung).
A young lady who has convinced herself that she is a gift that can brighten the life of any man actually needs to find someone to sit on her neck. Who would support her, protect her, and never cease to understand... But why does a male infanta need this burden? Life in our time is not a problem; from a practical point of view, a woman is not needed in the household. And there are a dime a dozen young ladies around. You can have a great time together - as long as he is comfortable with this young lady. And until she pesters him with marriage.
If the infants do get married, their life together will be based on the principles of who will “manipulate” whom. Add here immature emotionality and, as a result, coldness and indifference to other people's problems, pain and joy. “Shackled by one chain,” they live together and at the same time do not see, do not understand, do not respect each other. However, they are considered a normal family. There are so many marriages like this!
There are real men, but tell me, why does a living person need a doll?
I wonder where the legend came from that all people get married solely for love? There is sexual attraction. There is passion. There is “I like him (she).” There is a fear of loneliness. There is “that’s how it’s supposed to be.” There are common interests or social circles... What does love have to do with it?!
In fact, most people need a partner to live with. There is nothing wrong. This is how both nobles and peasants got married 100 years ago. But to marry like this, you need sobriety of thought and elementary honesty, which the infant is not capable of. I remember how a very simple woman described her marriage to me: “My husband respects me - I’m a housewife. And I respect him - he rarely drinks, his hands are golden, and if he never talks to me, I’ll go to the neighbor.” Cynically? No, honestly.
This is probably how most marriages are performed. However, the most frequently mentioned word in the letters is “love.” And everyone is waiting for love! Ready for it! They're just unlucky so far...
An old fairy tale. A well-selling myth. Sweet illusion. Bullshit.
Not everyone is even capable of music or mathematics. I’m not talking about the “Dog Waltz” or simple arithmetic operations, but about real music and higher mathematics. And what about love, for everyone?
There is love, but it is not for infants. It's a grown-up feeling. You can’t buy it, you can’t get it through connections, you can’t steal it, you can’t take it away, you can’t beg it. You can only ripen before it. Grow up!
I can suggest one proven remedy, which is never mentioned in glamor literature, so as not to frighten the reader: only pain can make a person change. Thus, pain from one’s own stupidity makes one grow wiser, pain from one’s own coldness makes one grow warmer. The infante, like the devil of incense, is afraid of suffering.
Therefore, the lonely “smart and beautiful woman” has no choice but to follow the commandment “Stay as you are” of the famous song. She is cold and scared, she is getting old, but remains “as is.”
Let's finish with Jung's words: the infant cannot allow himself to face life - because he will see that his life is empty. And he runs away from this meeting. On the one hand, a gray existence, on the other, an abyss: the possible horror of meeting life.
Beautiful feminine happiness to all!
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