What to do if you find it difficult to express your feelings?


A person’s life in society forces him to experience different attitudes to the events happening around him every minute. This is expressed in emotional experiences: good or bad. Emotions and feelings in psychology are considered as different concepts, but this science was able to identify their common basis in terms of physiology.

Human emotions

Definition of emotions and feelings in psychology

Definitions of emotions and feelings are not the most complex formulations in psychology. Emotions include the experiences and sensations of an individual limited to the present moment or a certain time period. Feelings are a type of human personality traits.

For your information! Feelings can also be defined as a subjective, established attitude towards the world and social environment.

How are they different from each other?

Feelings, defined in psychology as a state of soul or consciousness, manifest themselves in certain emotions. The difference between emotions and feelings is also that emotions are fleeting. All animals have emotional experiences; feelings are unique to humans; they are more stable.

Psychologists say that these two concepts are so intertwined that it is difficult to separate them; feelings can often develop on the basis of repeated emotions. For example, sympathy may arise for a person who evokes positive emotions, which later develops into a feeling such as love.

Important! For an emotion to change, it is enough to change the circumstances. In order for feelings to change, it is necessary to change the objective attitude towards subjects, objects or conditions.

An example of an emotion is “I’m scared!”, an example of a feeling is “I’m afraid of this person!” If we look at these two examples, we can say that emotions cannot be explained. A person can explain at length and confusingly why he is scared. Feelings can be explained: “I am afraid of this person because he looks threatening and behaves defiantly!”


Differences between feelings and emotions

How to learn to express positive feelings

It turns out that many people find it more difficult to express pleasant emotions. Everyone knows how to shout and swear, but it’s impossible to praise a loved one. Why do we suppress our feelings? The reason lies in upbringing and experience. Perhaps restraint and closeness reigned in your family, and a good attitude towards children ended with them getting on your head. From here the conclusions are drawn: one must be strict, self-possessed, cold and not praise anyone. In fact, giving a smile and a good mood is pleasant and simple.

How to learn to express your feelings

How to learn to express positive feelings?

  • Bring emotions to the surface . Consider a typical day. If the husband does not come home from work on time, then a scandal is brewing. If your loved one arrived on time, and even managed to drop into the store, then this is taken for granted. See the positive in what happened. Express your joy at having dinner with your family.
  • Don't put it off until later . Talk about pleasant emotions right away, connect words that indicate feelings. If the reason for your good mood is not the actions of a loved one, but events that happened at work, then share your pleasant emotions with him. Tell us how your day went, what brought you joy.
  • Connect gestures . Expressing positive emotions, smile, hug your interlocutor, touch him. Laughter attracts pleasant events and creates a positive environment.
  • Praise yourself . Compliments and pleasant words make a person feel embarrassed and dismissive. At the same time, the person is looking for excuses. For example, while preparing for a week for a birthday, choosing a dress and doing makeup, a girl then brushes off the compliments of others. In fact, she enjoys the attention, the girl is glad that she looks good. Why deny it? It is impossible to express positive feelings towards others without learning to pamper, praise and delight yourself.

Sincerity is important when expressing emotions. A fake smile is more like a grin and does not convey feelings

Don't go to extremes. Excessive emotionality alarms others and leads to misunderstanding.

Functions and types of emotions

Emotions - what is it in psychology

The importance of an emotion is determined by the function it serves. Psychologists working in this area have identified the following functions:

  • activating;
  • regulating;
  • synthesizing;
  • meaning-forming;
  • communicative-expressive;
  • protective.

The activating function encourages a person to act. The central nervous system works optimally under the influence of emotions and gives the individual additional strength.

The regulatory effect of emotions is expressed in their influence on the course and direction of human activity. This function is based on an assessment of the events occurring around the individual and his reaction to them.

The synthesizing function allows various events occurring around a person in a certain place and time to be combined into one whole and evoke an emotion that can give rise to their complexes.

Any human action gains meaning based on emotions. This is their meaning-forming function. Motivation is always supported by an emotional component.

The communicative-expressive effect of emotion is expressed in its influence on a person’s sociability. The emotional state is most clearly manifested during communication in the form of non-verbal signals: facial expressions, body position, voice intonation, etc.

One of the emotions that has a protective function is fear. The instinct of self-preservation, the indicator of which is fear for life and health, has allowed humanity to survive in an aggressive environment.


Some functions of emotions

By the way! I. Kant, a German philosopher, divided emotional states according to the degree of influence on human activity. He distinguished sthenic (increasing) and asthenic (decreasing) emotions.

There are several types of basic human feelings in psychology.

If we list human feelings or emotions, we can highlight the following brief classification proposed by Carroll Izard:

  • joy - pleasure;
  • interest - excitement;
  • surprise - fear;
  • suffering - grief;
  • anger - rage;
  • fear - horror;
  • disgust - disgust;
  • humiliation - shame.

For your information! K. Izard is an American psychologist, one of the creators of the theory of differential emotions, where the elements of human emotions are combined into one basic scheme.


Basic human emotions, presented by different psychologists

Basic emotions are considered to be those that are inherent in people with normal health and manifest themselves regardless of gender, race or place of residence. Despite the fact that many practicing psychologists offer their own models, which include a different number of basic emotions, experts are unanimous that the basic manifestations of the emotional state are laid down at birth. However, in the process of life, working on his personal characteristics, a person can control or even change his basic emotional reactions.

Proven! Feelings such as love, happiness, sadness, excitement, fear and anger underlie a whole range of emotions.

If you list a list of derivatives of these feelings, you can see emotions such as:

  • irritation, resentment, guilt, disappointment are derivatives of anger;
  • boredom, loneliness, devastation are signs of sadness;
  • enthusiasm, adoration, warmth - refer to the manifestation of love;
  • excitement, trepidation, worry - are inherent in excitement;
  • anxiety, tension, confusion - fear is at the core.

Auto-training, self-hypnosis and positive thinking help change the reaction of the mind and body to various life circumstances and get rid of many negative experiences. By working on oneself and creating new attitudes for the subconscious, an individual can not only take control of the basic emotional elements, but also learn to recognize the basic underlying emotion.


Table of emotional coloring of feelings

How to deal with your emotions?

The greater our ability to fully express emotions, the more freedom and power we have, and the more authentic we are. If you look deeper, “positive” are those emotions that are effectively expressed and released, and “negative” are those that a person avoids, denies and suppresses.

We've all had the experience when, after expressing an emotion considered "negative" such as fear, anger or sadness, something wonderful happened: we felt relief, let go of something we were holding on to, solved a problem or resolved a conflict in a relationship, etc. .d. That's why we feel so wonderful and free to cry our hearts out.

And we've all had times when we couldn't express “positive” emotions, like love or gratitude. As a result, some of us suppressed these emotions, which had a negative impact on ourselves and those around us.

Remembering that the true goal is to recognize, acknowledge, feel our emotions and find a healthy way to express them, rather than exclusively experiencing those emotions that we consider “positive” and avoiding those that we consider “negative,” we We can create a new, healthy relationship with our emotions and our true selves. Coming to terms with your emotions and being able and willing to express them all is a key element of living an authentic life.

Healthy Ways to Express Emotions

We become more authentic and it is important to find healthy, authentic and safe ways to express our feelings. The most important thing is that we can always overcome them if we are ready to accept them, acknowledge them, feel them and express them fully. And secondly, the more often we allow ourselves to simply experience and express our emotions without judging them, the more authentic, healthy and fulfilled we will be.

Speaking and writing authentically is one of the healthy and empowering ways to express emotions. When talking about our feelings with others or writing down what's on our minds, it's important to listen to ourselves to make sure we're actually experiencing and expressing our true emotions so we move through them rather than just talking and writing . Here are two more healthy and Productive ways to authentically express emotions.

Scream, scream, jump, let them escape. Many people did this when they were children. Allowing yourself to express your emotions wildly, whether it be excitement, sadness, love, fear, joy, anger, or anything else, is a wonderful way to express yourself. We don't do this as much as adults because we worry about what others will think of us and don't think it's "appropriate." The key is to be mindful of your feelings and let them out. If you want to laugh, laugh. If you want to cry, cry.

It can be very helpful to do this in a group setting, attend workshops with trained, experienced leaders, or retreat somewhere away from other people who may be afraid or react differently to our emotional expressions.

Sometimes when I get excited or angry, I scream at the top of my lungs. I usually do this in the car so as not to confuse people. Since most of my life I have learned to suppress my feelings (like many of us, especially men), when I am sad, I deliberately do something, talk to someone or think about something that will awaken emotions in me, which will allow me to cry and release this sadness.

Hitting pillows, jumping, or dancing in an authentic way to express feelings is another powerful way to release emotions. But at the same time, you need to feel protected; it is very useful to express your emotions with the support and mentoring of another person. Authentic expression of emotions takes practice, support and awareness, but it is a wonderful way to become present and experience your emotions.

Meditate, pray, go deep within yourself. Since all our emotions and most conflicts are internal, one of the best and most effective ways to express emotions is through meditation, prayer or self-deepening. This is a very personal process and will work differently depending on your beliefs and personality.

This is not about suppressing emotions, but quite the opposite, about expressing them and releasing them through connection with something inside us or something that is stronger than us (some call it the Higher Self, Inner Counselor, Soul, Spirit or nothing at all are not named).

I often lie down, close my eyes and imagine the person with whom I am angry, afraid or upset, and mentally talk to him, expressing all my sincere thoughts and feelings.

I have found that the effect of metaphysical (mental) dialogue is just as powerful, and sometimes more powerful, than talking to that person in the “real” world, because my ego and my fear of backlash don’t get in the way.

The goal is to authentically acknowledge, feel and express the emotion so that you can learn from it and move on. Meditation, prayer and mental dialogue are incredibly effective when done sincerely.

Workshop

The following exercises will help you express your thoughts and feelings in an authentic and liberating way. Some need to be done with someone else - they will help you achieve a deeper level of authenticity and create a stronger connection with others.

1. The first step is “registration”. Before starting a meeting, date, lunch, or important conversation, take a moment and have everyone in the room participate in a “check-in.” It means lowering your “sea level” and being a little more authentic about how you feel and what’s going on inside you. You might want to do the entire “If You Really Knew Me...” exercise, or maybe just give each person a moment to share their honest thoughts and feelings.

2. Make a list of your conflicts: deal with them or let them go. List your problems, conflicts, failed relationships, resentments, etc., then look through your list and ask yourself which of these you are willing to let go of. If you truly can get them out of your head, then do so: it will free you, you will feel much better. “Letting go” does not mean “denying” or “avoiding”, it means freedom and responsibility. For example, you may realize that your disagreements with someone that you have been clinging to are not worth a damn and that you can simply let them go. Remember the wonderful saying: “Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die.” For the ones you can't get out of your head, ask yourself, "What can I do to resolve this conflict?" Perhaps you don't know. Perhaps they have already tried. Perhaps they are not ready to do what is required. Regardless, step outside your comfort zone and say or do something that you think will resolve each of the conflicts on your list.

3. Reveal all your “secrets”. A “secret” is something that you have in your heart for a person, but what you have not expressed to him: resentment, indignation, fear, apology, gratitude, etc. Finding a time and place and revealing “secrets” is a very strong and liberating act, even if this is kind of scary. Michelle and I do this regularly. You can reveal “secrets” to your spouse, friends, co-workers, etc. Someone begins by saying to the other person (or someone present if you are doing this in a group): “I have kept something from you.” The other replies: “Okay, want to share with me?” Then the first one reveals his “secret” with all possible honesty, fragility and responsibility (using I statements, acknowledging his feelings, etc.). The interlocutor’s task is to listen as openly as possible, without answering, and when the first one finishes, simply thank him. It is best to switch roles until both (or everyone in the group) have shared all their “secrets.” When you're finished, one (or both) of you may want to talk about some of what was said, but this is not necessary. There is nothing to do with an argument, there is no right or wrong, the main thing is to share your feelings and what you have been hiding in order to let it go. When we talk about “hiding”, whatever it may be, on some level it’s not about your interlocutor, it’s about you.

4. Find someone who will support your emotional expression. We all benefit from support, guidance and feedback in general and in expressing our emotions in particular. It doesn’t matter if it’s a friend, counselor, support group, co-worker, spouse, etc., the main thing is that you are real with this person, able to fully express your emotions, which will allow and give him the right to push, give feedback and support you emotionally. Remember, this is not designed to get you to “complain” or “cry,” but to get you to authentically express your emotions, take responsibility for them, and work through them. Also, there are so many wonderful, wonderful people in life and in the world who support authentic expression of emotions—find the one or those who can best help you express your emotions in an authentic and liberating way.

We now know how important it is to know ourselves, transform our fears, and fully express our emotions, and we can move on to the principle of “Be Courageous” and determine how to live, speak, and act boldly and in accordance with our deepest passions and our most authentic selves.

What are emotional states (ES)

How to stop feeling sorry for yourself - reasons for feeling pity, what it means

Psychology prefers to consider human feelings as a process of movement from one functional state of emotions to another and the experiences arising in connection with this. Emotions control the individual, even if he tries to hide them.

Interesting! Psychologists consider the absence of emotions to be a feature of behavior and also refer to it as an emotional state.

Emotional state is a concept that combines the following points:

  • mood;
  • affect;
  • stress;
  • frustration;
  • passion.

Emotional individuals transfer their state to the people around them, to their lives. The quality of life of such individuals depends entirely on the emotional background.

A closer look at emotional states (ES) reveals their features.

Mood is the longest lasting ES. All mental processes in the body occur precisely against this background. The mood can be good or bad, and it takes more time to be positive than to ruin it. Mood is a reaction to current events in the light of significance for a person and his expectations. When everything goes according to plan and expectations are met, the mood is excellent, but when it’s the other way around, it’s terrible.

The dependence of mood on temperament and personality was noted. For example, choleric people's mood changes a hundred times a day. Sanguine people mostly have a cheerful mood, while melancholic people remain negative for a long time.

In his work “Psychology and Pedagogy” (course for students of sociological faculties) A.I. Kravchenko in the section “Emotions and Feelings” notes that mood is transmitted from one person to another.

For example, a boss yelled at a subordinate at work. Returning home in a bad mood, the husband yelled at his wife, and she, in turn, yelled at the children. As a result, the whole family was in a bad mood. And, conversely, a person with an excellent attitude can “infect” entire teams with his positivity.

Affect is usually associated with shock, shock and inhibition of consciousness. Under the influence of affect, a person experiences disorganization of motor functions. It is an emotional explosion that causes unconscious actions that the individual cannot control. In a state of passion, people commit actions that in a normal state could not even come to mind.

Stress occurs in people in extreme situations. This is a strong, but not long-lasting ES. Unlike affect, stress has two qualities:

  • positive – mobilizes the body’s defenses to overcome danger;
  • negative – can cause mental disorders and diseases when a person is in this state for a long time.

If the individual’s expectations are not met (desires do not coincide with capabilities), then the person may fall into a state of frustration. It manifests itself in negative experiences.

Passion captures the individual entirely. All his thoughts, actions and desires are subordinate to her. This strong and stable state can extend to spiritual and material values. Passion can be both positive and negative, depending on its object and the need to possess it.

Psychophysiology and needs

Jealousy in relationships - the psychology of this feeling towards each other

Social and biological needs are the main force that drives the human psyche and behavior. They depend on the habitat and development of the organism. Studying the human central nervous system (CNS), scientists have identified structures in it for emotional states. They are affected by the functions of the limbic system, hypothalamus and thalamus. The centers of emotions are located in these formations of the central nervous system: positive and negative.


Human needs according to A. Maslow (American psychologist)

Any emotions and emotional states are important for a person, except tension. Increased tension will definitely lead to fears, anxiety and phobias. It is necessary to consciously exclude all negative emotions that lead to anxiety.

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