In this article I will tell you how to get rid of love addiction and find peace of mind. By love addiction I mean the feeling that just the presence of another person makes your life happy. Constant thoughts about him, especially when he is not around. The feeling that you cannot live without him, and that along with him all the joy will leave your life.
Also in the article I will tell you how, in general, to become an independent and full-fledged person, with an inner core, independent of other people.
If you finish reading this article, then I can congratulate you, because you will be one of the 5% of people who in our time have not yet forgotten how to finish reading. And then (weakly?) try to become one of the 5% of those who have finished reading - these are those rare specimens who, after reading, go through the suggested steps and radically change their lives.
1) Understand the dynamics of love addiction and the intricacies of unhealthy relationships
In order to take the most important and very first step towards recovery, you need to understand the intricacies of love addiction, the characteristics of a love addict and his love-fleeing partner, and the dynamics of unhealthy relationships.
To get a complete picture of the problem you face in case of love addiction, you should read books dedicated to this disorder. You need to understand the mechanism of influence and manifestation of love addiction, the characteristics of behavioral patterns in relationships and the various cycles present during the implementation of this disorder, namely, the behavioral and emotional characteristics of a love addict and a partner running away from love, and other, no less important aspects of relationships.
Try to find as much information as possible about love addiction. Many books are devoted to this issue, in which this problem is considered from different points of view. Some books can rightfully be called good, some are not so good, but in any case you can find something useful for yourself in these books.
Moreover, if you want a complete recovery and long-term results, you first need to deal with the underlying factors of this problem - such as shame/low self-esteem, inability to set reasonable boundaries, unrealistic expectations associated with relationships, the desire to act in a role. savior and peacemaker, fear of being rejected and fear of close relationships.
Be alone
We have an innate need to connect. This is absolutely normal.
The essence of loneliness is not to isolate yourself from the world, to imagine that you can be completely independent and officially declare your independence to the rest of humanity.
“Loving yourself is incredibly difficult. But it's worth it".
It is important to learn to take care of yourself, to understand that your needs are very important and they will not go away if you neglect or ignore them.
The dependence of your emotional state on anything is always the result of the fact that you suppress your needs.
Here are some ways to take care of yourself emotionally:
- Recognize your needs and prioritize;
- Make plans to meet your needs;
- Enjoying solitude;
- Find or create a support group where you can express your feelings;
- Consciously return to the present moment several times a day;
- Exercise regularly to make your body feel better;
- Immerse yourself in something positive.
- And finally, never forget that wherever there is life, there is hope.
Loneliness is your best opportunity to explore your condition. Imagine that you decide to spend several months completely alone. Ask yourself, “How can I make this time peaceful, relaxing, healing, constructive, and worthwhile?”
You're sure to find many amazing ways to have fun and take care of yourself. Perhaps through calming meditation, films, music, books, courses or walks accompanied by your imagination.
2) Remember: YOU and ONLY YOU are fully responsible for what happens
One of the hallmarks of love addiction is the desire of the love addict to blame someone else for the fact that he (the drug addict) feels uncomfortable or that he finds himself in an unpleasant situation.
In the early stages of recovery, a love addict begins to blame his current or former partner for all mortal sins. Completely ignoring your own desires and needs, forgetting about yourself, you constantly think about what he did, what he didn’t do, what he said or didn’t say in the situation in which you find yourself at the moment. Constantly blaming your partner deprives you of your chances of successful recovery and further personal growth.
Your recovery does NOT DEPEND on your partner. Also, he or she has nothing to do with the presence of happiness in your life and the mental suffering that you experience at one time or another - unless, of course, you continue the relationship with this partner and do not go through a rehabilitation program with him or her. her. What your partner does or doesn't do, what he says and what he doesn't say really HAS NOTHING to do with you. You should not take responsibility for another person; take responsibility solely for what concerns you personally. In the early stages of recovery, it may be very difficult for you to understand and accept this fact, but still, if possible, try to do this, make every possible effort to do this today.
If you want to make change, you have to start with yourself. A prerequisite for achieving change is your determination and sincere desire to change the situation, as well as constant focus on your goal.
You are an adult, and the first responsibility of every adult is to take care of your own personal growth and well-being in life. The better you treat yourself, the better you will feel, the happier and more fulfilling relationships you can build, the happier and more fulfilling your life will be. You yourself are responsible for your life. You HAVE THE RIGHT, and even the OBLIGATION, to free yourself from your bad habits and unhealthy behavior patterns, take care of yourself and constantly move forward towards personal growth. It is NORMAL to be selfish.
Causes
To understand how to overcome and overcome dependence on a person, you need to know why it develops. A dependent state is a strong attachment of one individual to another. There are several reasons for the appearance of this disease:
- The emergence of a desire to avoid responsibility. It manifests itself even in childhood, if the child was under the overprotection of his parents. In his childhood life, all problems were solved by adults, so he is not able to overcome all difficulties on his own. Such people do not feel protected, so they strive to be under the care of their husband or wife and always hope for their help.
- Harassment. Children who have experienced violence from adults need support, care, tenderness and love most of all. And everyone who shows such tender feelings towards them finds an obsessive friend. The most important thing is the timely recognition of attachment and the prompt fight against excessive need for attention. If this process is started, it will lead to the development of addiction, which, in turn, can drive people crazy.
3) Realize the objective reality - in fact, you already have the ability to change
Every person has the inner ability to change even the most unfavorable circumstances.
The behavioral and emotional patterns that form the basis of love addiction are rooted in the deepest levels of our consciousness. You cannot get rid of these patterns at will, but we have a highly developed ability to change these patterns. Every person, regardless of their age and life circumstances, is capable of healthy changes.
Change plays as important a role in human life as metamorphosis in the life of a caterpillar. This is the inevitable cycle of life itself. There is no life without change. Change is bound to happen, and the kind of change depends entirely on the subject of your concentration.
In fact, you are creating the prerequisites for positive changes with your own hands. Everything depends first of all on the direction in which you want to move, and only then on the decisions you make and the actions you take.
Right now, as an adult, you are capable of achieving extraordinary changes. Healing and recovery are possible! One success will lead to another. Sometimes internal changes become a consequence of external changes, in some cases external changes become a by-product of internal changes in a person’s consciousness.
The process of getting rid of love addiction cannot be called simple and easy. It will require hard work and perseverance from you. No person would claim that change is easy. In fact, this is a rather complex process.
But still, your persistence, determination and sincere desire to change will return hope to your life, allow you to regain strength and contribute to significant changes for the better in your life.
4) Expect discomfort
After engaging in the unhealthy patterns that underlie your addiction for a long time, expect to feel less than well in the early stages of recovery, even after a short period of improvement.
This is partly because in the early stages of withdrawal, withdrawal symptoms appear and we grieve the loss of our fantasies; Also, symptoms of withdrawal syndrome appear when we abandon our usual patterns of thinking and behavior - however, for a complete recovery we still have to change them.
Expect pain and discomfort just like what you may experience after surgery and during your subsequent recovery from surgery. Even in pain, you continue to heal. Know that this won't last forever, so just trust the process.
5) “Not all at once” - act consistently
During the recovery process, you should always remember one very wise saying - “not all at once.”
It's so easy to hope for immediate results! You want to feel better right now, you want immediate results - just take it out and put it in! You want to skip the hard work that is vital to recovery, and this desire only further fuels the addiction and leads to relapse. In the near future, all these emotions may become simply unbearable, and you will ask yourself “how is this possible?”
THIS IS POSSIBLE . Therefore, follow your recovery program gradually and consistently, step by step, not all at once! What is available to you today is what every person has today.
You can focus on achieving your goal every day for an hour or even a minute. If you start to feel stressed about the need to perform certain actions leading to recovery, make a to-do list for yourself. Include simple and minor tasks in this list. Take breaks if necessary.
Tasks that only take you five minutes or less to complete can be just as enjoyable and rewarding as more complex, time-consuming tasks—especially when you're feeling frustrated or confused.
Be attentive, especially when your attention is scattered and you are not concentrating on the present moment. When your mind wanders to the future or the past, you can't do anything. Always remember that the only moment when you can do something is here and now.
6) Strive for progress, not perfection
As I said before, breaking free from love addiction and the accompanying compulsive behavior patterns is not an easy task. The transformation process may seem very slow.
You need to learn to accept your own failures, mistakes and wrong steps (without blaming yourself or being ashamed of yourself), while at the same time focusing on the next step, striving for the next global goal indicated in your action plan. You must always remember that sometimes in the recovery process you take two steps back and only one step forward. In fact, in real life, when a person strives for some positive goal, there are always some ups and downs. However, your determination and perseverance will definitely help you achieve your goal. You need to admit that there is a problem and accept the fact that the path to getting rid of love addiction is very thorny and bumpy. You need to always remember that recovery is not about striving for perfection; at its core, it is about gradual progress and moving forward.
… Progress, not perfection
You are moving forward even when you don't realize it. There is no need to blame yourself for failures and mistakes (we are all human), but you also should not give up or betray your values. There is no need to beat yourself up and “attack” yourself for making mistakes, because these mistakes are also part of your journey towards the goal, and, again, we are all human, we can all make mistakes (in my opinion, I already said this).
There is no place for guilt and shame in recovery, as these emotions trigger a negative guilt/shame spiral that feeds the very existence of addiction and unhealthy attachments. We suffer from guilt when we think we have done something wrong. When we are ashamed of ourselves, we consider ourselves a bad person, an inferior and inadequate individual who has no place on this earth at all. In the case of love addiction, the feeling of shame manifests itself in full force. If we make a mistake or go astray, it is shame that begins to whisper to us that all the efforts you make are worthless, you will never achieve your goal, the situation will never change...
... I apologize in advance for the expressive language, but all this is complete bullshit! Shame is inherently toxic, it poisons your life and is a whole set of false beliefs, examples of distorted perceptions and complete nonsense. If you strive for full recovery, you need to openly confront these feelings - both guilt and shame.
Stages
To understand how to stop depending on a person and remove addiction from your life forever, you need to study all the stages of its development, then you will know what stage you are at. I will list the main stages of attachment formation:
- Lack of dependent relationships. With equal rights between spouses who value and protect their feelings and are one whole, healthy and harmonious relationships arise.
- The emergence of obsession. If one of the partners uses manipulation, resorts to control, wants to be around every free minute, this indicates the development of attachment, which helps the addict drown out his internal conflicts. This stage is dangerous because the personality begins to degrade: self-esteem decreases, behavior becomes overly emotional, and it becomes more difficult to plan life.
- Problems arising due to relationships. The addicted person gradually stops making contact with close friends, since all his time is focused on his spouse. He also experiences frequent touchiness, jealousy and loses self-control. In addition, such a person fully admits his guilt, but cannot do anything about it and suffers because of his behavior.
- The emergence of difficulties within relationships. The last stage of the disease is characterized by dissatisfaction and a lack of positive emotions, but thoughts of change frighten dependent individuals. Gradually they become indifferent to everything except their attraction to their loved one.
