Little brother (sister) complex: second child syndrome

Elder sister

In a family with several children, there are always problems. Even if no one openly talks about the complexity of the situation, this does not mean that everything is fine in the family. The situation becomes especially complicated if there are two same-sex children in the family, for example, girls. One of them is bound to develop a sister complex. What it is? This is a set of qualities that are formed in a child from a lack or excess of love and attention. How does the big sister complex manifest itself?

Responsibility. Girls who are forced to help their mother from an early age grow up very quickly. They feel the burden of responsibility that comes with the age difference with their sister or brother.
Growing up fast. A responsible child quickly becomes a teenager, and then a mature personality. Of course, it’s good when a person can be responsible for his actions and actions. But still, a child who was deprived of the joy of childhood will suffer from this all his life.
The need to be an authority. A person who has always been held up as an example will retain a passion for leadership throughout his life. A girl, and then a woman, will always try to prove to everyone that she is the best.
The need to look after someone. A child who is used to taking care of a younger brother or sister will in the future take care of everyone. A girl can become a second mother for her boyfriend or husband.
Excessive courage. The passion to always be the first in everything will remain with the girl for the rest of her life. The older sister knows how to take responsibility for her actions, and she is not afraid of anything, since she is used to being first always and everywhere.

Description

Based on the name, it can be noted that this complex occurs among the youngest in the family. Little brother syndrome or little sister complex is primarily the influence of upbringing. With the birth of the second baby, changes occur in the family; all the love and care of the parents is transferred to the newborn.

Often parents are sure that the baby born later should receive all the attention, he is small. With the advent of such thoughts in parents, children begin to develop a younger child complex. The kid sees that he gets all the best, compared to the worst, and gets used to this state of affairs.

There is another side to the syndrome. Parents who have experienced the experience of raising an older child transfer it entirely to the younger one. As a result, he is constantly compared with the elder, the choice of additional activities is obvious - the younger one will be enrolled in the same circle as the older one. The younger one does not spend time with his peers, because he walks surrounded by his older daughter or son and his friends. The most ill-considered things are constant comparisons of one thing with another, against the background of which numerous complexes can develop.

Younger sister

If the older child is unlucky with character, then the younger one must have a very good life? But that's not true. There is a younger sister complex that appears in girls whose parents did not put much effort into raising them. How does it manifest itself?

Innovators. Older children do everything as their parents tell them. But the younger ones can take the initiative. They are more open to the world and can do what they like. They are not afraid to come up with and then implement the most daring ideas.
Good communicators. Since older sisters and brothers are always distinguished by their physical strength, the younger ones have no choice but to learn to win arguments thanks to their well-spoken tongue. Younger children are more sociable than older children, they are more insightful and more open.
Less responsible. The sister complex manifests itself in the youngest child in the absence of responsibility for his actions. In childhood, the eldest child is always blamed for all troubles. It is his fault that he neglected to look after the younger one. Girls get used to this tendency and assume and think that responsibility will always be avoided.
Selfish. Younger children are always spoiled more than older ones. Parents have the opportunity and desire to purchase expensive toys and all kinds of sweets. The child sees that he is receiving increased attention and believes that this is the norm of life.

Copyright © RIA MediaForum, 2005-2006. All rights reserved.

Analytical psychology deals with identifying unconscious, but very real types of behavior programmed into us from childhood by our loved ones. The path to inner freedom goes through awareness of the reverse side of cliché scenarios, in which we are involved against our own desire, but out of the “great love” of our family and friends.

Today the focus is on the younger sister complex. This does not mean that only younger sisters will be subject to the described scenario. If the life situation takes on a similar character, then the development of events can lead to a similar logical end.

What is hidden behind the fairy-tale subtext?

First, let's turn to fairy tales, since “a fairy tale is a lie, but there is a hint in it...”

How is the image of the youngest girl given in traditional stories, and on what principles are her relationships with people built? Let us note that if the older sister in fairy tales usually appears to us as tough and domineering, the middle one as flexible and pragmatic, then the younger one is simply nothing, or rather, she is characterized by a set of silent virtues that remain unclaimed. She is good, but also passive; smart, but lacking initiative; brave but shy. In a word, the youngest is a complete contradiction. At first glance, this is some kind of nonsense: to be able to do something and not be able to realize it - how to understand this?

Further, as fairy-tale stories testify, in order for the youngest to succeed in life - to reverse the given course of events that dooms her to vegetation, she has to act “in spite of everything”, “to spite someone”, “in spite of everything”, that is, to take risks , an adventure, no less. Or another option, “if”: if you are very lucky, as in “The Scarlet Flower”, with a merchant father obsessed with the mania of distant travels; if you are lucky with an enchanted prince with decent real estate and investments... In a word, if you have to go through a series of unimaginably successful coincidences. It seems that there is no other way to realize oneself, to break the resistance of bitchy and envious sisters, to overcome the unenviable fate prepared by fate for the youngest in fairy tales.

What is behind this plot, what does the subtext of fairy tales hint at - what unenviable fate if the younger sister does not go through all these trials and adventures or is very unlucky?

Debriefing

So, according to the traditional plot, the younger sister is the bearer of potential advantages, often unrealized. If the older sister is only “this”, that is, something definite in terms of human merit, and the middle one is only “that”, then the younger one is both “that” and “this”, and perhaps something else...

The younger sister is always intrigue, unpredictability and dependence on external circumstances. According to the plot of the melodrama, the hero marries the older one, after which he realizes that he has loved the younger one all the time... The younger sister is always doomed to problems that were acquired before her.

Imagine a forest where the crowns of the tallest trees, close to the sun, are the parents. The trees a little lower are older children, who are also familiar with the sun, occupying the space not occupied by their parents. What are the chances of the plant that makes its way to the light later than everyone else? Where do you get so much strength and superhuman wisdom? Of course, one can assume that older plants will nobly part, step aside and, so to speak, give an opportunity... But does this really happen in nature?

Younger sisters, as a rule, are born when the parents have already overcome a certain social milestone and acquired social status, calmed down in some way and stopped there. The older children found their parents to be relatively young, active, and therefore had a beneficial influence on their social development. At that time, parents, as a rule, had no time for them, and children, left to themselves, had more opportunities to identify a personal plot, character development, and personal core. Therefore, they stand firmly on their feet - their immunity and resistance to life’s collisions are high.

"Happy childhood" of the younger sister

By the time active hostilities in the arena of life ended, the parents had already received certain social rewards and decided to relieve their souls by having a youngest child...

As a result, the youngest is destined for the role of everyone’s toy and entertainment - she is so cute, puppy-like attractive, you just want to pet her and carry her in your arms. Increased attention to the youngest daughter often results in entertaining talk shows, such as the child reading poems in front of guests on a chair, or attempts to demonstrate the child’s extraordinary abilities in front of others. The youngest must realize the ambitions of her parents.

No one is interested in what “this reed is making noise” about... In such cases, the younger sister’s own personal plot develops according to the principle of duplicating the older children. Like a brother, she becomes a skier, or like a sister, a fashionista, that’s all... Until some time, she does not strive to look for herself at all.

About the position of parents

Ask any dog breeder what will happen if your younger dog brother is raised not the way all dogs should, but the way you want. They will answer you that, to put it mildly, you won’t have much trouble with him - he will describe everything and bite him into the bargain, regardless of whether he is an older puppy or a younger one.

For some reason they think differently when it comes to children - “my child, I fix whatever I want.”

Continuation of the plot - childhood and adolescence

When the younger sister loses her puppy cuteness and raises her voice, expressing her opinion, the attitude towards her in the family changes dramatically. Universal mercy, as if by magic, is replaced by indifference at best - the toy stops making the usual funny sounds, and now no one knows what to do with it.

She, poor thing, has no idea that, having ceased to be a toy, she automatically lost love, or rather, the increased attention to her person that was given out for her. It has not yet settled in her mind that love must be won. I got used to “love and attention”, but they disappeared somewhere...

She frantically searches for the reason for this and finds it in herself: they stopped loving me because I’m ugly, angry and generally so-and-so... The first blow has been dealt to the younger sister’s pride and self-esteem. The youth crisis is accompanied by feelings of guilt, depression, severe self-dislike and can develop into persistent depression.

If the first blow of fate does not become a knockdown for the youngest, and she stays on her feet, her peers at school will add that it is also not customary for them to shower their own kind with attention and love “just because.” School years are unlikely to be happy, and previous negative experiences are likely to be reinforced.

Attempts at intimate relationships

What follows is the experience of searching for a loved one of the opposite sex. If he is a young man, then “let him then love me,” or rather, “I will give him this opportunity and become for him everything that I once was for the family.” She is bargaining, but it’s not about trying to regain the idyll of her “pink” childhood period. A miracle is unlikely to happen, since there are women of the same age who know exactly what to do with men. And she will be dealt the next, no less painful blow.

A family, however, is possible, but rather in a surrogate form - like a sect, an informal association; in which drug addiction is possible - and everywhere she will play the role of a listless fan.

This is the internal mechanism of the problem. And at the level of external events, everything will look like this: one day this girl is met by “soul catchers” and it turns out that someone still needs her, and they love her again “just like that,” “without demanding anything in return.”

She finally regains the relationship she lost as a child.

The ending of the plot

And in the “new family” the main numbers of the show program are played, embedded in a similar ideology: the attainability of “happiness” through repeated repetition of memorized phrases, the possibility of changing karma, abandonment of parents, peculiar conversations about good and evil, parallel and perpendicular worlds, about the third eye - and it’s good if it occurs at the level of costume play, and not severe psychopathology requiring medical intervention.

And hyenas, in a certain sense, have families... Such groups are distinguished by the fact that they seem to have been created for those in need of love, and there are many such people.

Our heroine has less and less true plot. At the suggestion of the “new family”, it turns out that there is almost no need for a husband, or children, or work - just pure “acid” love... The real plot has seeped into the sand, and the man has disappeared. Whether the problem of drug addiction or something else remains is fundamentally unimportant.

“Hey, girl, where are you?” - and in response - silence...

And on the parents’ faces there is bewilderment, however, accompanied by a farewell sentiment, like “and in childhood she was such a good girl”...

Is family and marriage really capitulating to the dead end of the parental plot?

Survival Tactics in the Little Sister Scenario

With any more or less successful development of such a plot, the panacea is independence and independence gained through work and real success. But in order to maintain your autonomy, you need to understand your relationships with loved ones and understand your place in the family.

The main task of the younger sister is to find the most logical and non-emotional attitude to the problem of seniority. It doesn’t matter who it concerns - parents or older brothers and sisters. You cannot view seniority as an unconditional system of submission and blind reverence, unless, of course, you live in a patriarchal community where the opinion of the elder is law.

You need to be prepared for the fact that each of the younger ones, who dares to declare himself as an independent unit, is doomed to take the fight.

You cannot overestimate or perceive the opinion of your relatives as an immutable truth just because they are relatives. “Dishes” should be tried individually, and not just eat anything under the general sauce of “we won’t advise you anything bad.” Don't forget about selfish motives. Those close to you are no less susceptible to them than others.

Unlike love, which can be blind, respect is always more visible. They deserve it according to their merits and regardless of the degree of relationship. How important it is that a parent, respecting his child, is able to step over his attachment to him for his sake!

For example, our heroine, her younger sister, is sent to study abroad. She wants it herself. Now she gets the opportunity to develop according to her own personal plot. There is no point in refusing financial support (“I don’t need anything from you”). It is better to accept it, stipulating the conditions for the return of money, but in no case trying to pay with your independence.

You should avoid making the desire for independence look like a desire to prove something in a contrived game of “fathers and sons”: “But I still won’t study” or “I’ll lose my virginity out of spite.” To go through your confirmation ceremony and grow up, you will have to sacrifice your childhood whims, fears and attachments.

The main antidote to malignant parental love is, in a high sense, love for people. Therefore, you can actively implement your story by taking part in any creative forms of activity independent of your parents - even starting with working as a nurse in intensive care. Here you will have the opportunity to show your true human virtues - honesty, integrity, reliability, intelligence. It may sound trivial, but responsibility for the task taken upon oneself, the ability to work together with other people, achieving common goals, taking into account, paradoxically, one’s own interests, will lead to the fact that “a miracle will really happen.” The context of the human community sometimes surprisingly helps to get out of the musty labyrinths of family relationships.

I wish you good luck on this journey!

“Psychological newspaper: We and the World” (No. 11[123]2006)

Middle sister

It may seem strange, but life is not always sweet for those children who were born between the eldest and the middle. The sister complex occurs in those girls who were unable to self-determinate, and in those whose parents deprived them of their attention.

Lack of initiative. A child who always lacks time will not be able to grow up to be a full-fledged member of society. He will always be afraid to do anything, because as a child he was constantly told that he was too big to play around, but too small to be smart.
Timid. The middle sister is often left in the care of the older child. She is always protected and rarely plays with her peers. And if necessary, the girl can cry, and an older relative will always come to the rescue.
Smyrna. Since the middle child does not have the opportunity to communicate with peers, he gets used to being responsible and at the same time sitting still when the elders are talking. There is simply no opportunity to throw out her energy and the girl quickly gets used to it.
Jealous. Since parents devote more time to the baby, girls are usually very worried about this. Middle children secretly envy the youngest child, and this resentment forever settles in their souls in the form of jealousy.

Roles

Cinderella. A child whose parents are always telling him what to do quickly becomes responsible and overly reasonable. He doesn't have time to play. You have to cook dinner, change diapers for your sisters or brothers, walk the dog or weed the flowers.
Scapegoat. Usually it becomes the eldest girl. She is blamed for everything, no matter what bad happens in the house. Even if the eldest daughter is not objectively to blame, her guilt is found in the fact that she overlooked.
Good girl. Younger sisters usually play this role. They are obedient, spoiled and incredibly sweet. They know how to create a good impression of themselves.

Little sister

If an older brother has fallen in love with a younger sister, this is not yet a reason to panic. Love has many shades. Therefore, you should first understand whether there is a shade of sexuality in his attitude towards his sister. Does the brother really see his sister as a sexually attractive woman, or is this more of a protective attachment? In addition, the degree of relationship plays an important role. If this is a half-brother or even a cousin, then there is nothing wrong with a sexual relationship. Indeed, in many countries, including ours, marriages between cousins are allowed. So if a brother falls in love with a cousin, this will not bring any additional difficulties to their relationship, well, except perhaps for remorse.

The first damn thing is lumpy

When two sisters grow up in a house, one of them usually turns out to be sweet and very sociable, and the other is a shy, shy one. And the eldest is usually the shy one. It was her parents who raised her as best they could. They took her to all kinds of clubs, developmental sections and sports competitions. The child had no time to rest or play. The girl spent her free time reading books, which her parents stuffed her with. Having practiced with the first child, the parents raised the second in freer conditions.

Who's happier?

If you look at how differently the two sisters grew up, the question inevitably arises: which of the girls is happier? It is impossible to answer this unequivocally. If the parents are not deprived of intelligence, then both girls are happy. They had to have the same conditions for development. If the parents were permissive in their position as educators, then two children in the family would be unhappy. But for some reason there is an opinion that the second child is the darling of fate. Maybe it happens like this, up to 10 years, but over time it can come back to haunt the girl many times over.

Related materials:

Articles

Financial basics for your children November 13, 2008, 18:30
Working with loved ones: happiness or punishment? 03 July 2013, 00:00
Boys vs girls. Gender wars at work February 21, 2015, 00:00

Video

The secret to perfect skin from Guerlain September 22, 2010, 00:00
Idylle by Guerlain. History of creation October 25, 2011, 11:03
The secret of endless beauty VITALSKIN from Darphin August 28, 2012, 17:00

Parenting mistakes

Compare one child to another. If you don't want to give your daughters a complex, never compare them to anyone else. Every child is unique and parents must understand this.
Expecting from one child what another could not achieve. If you wanted your older daughter to go to dance, but she chose drawing, you don’t need to focus on your younger child. If a little girl has a passion for music, she will have to accept that neither the eldest nor the youngest daughter will dance.
Get a pet. If you decide to show tenderness, then show it to two children equally. There is no need to think that the eldest daughter needs less tenderness than the younger one.

Useful tips

What is the role of the child in the family? Psychologists say that children help parents realize their potential and strengthen love bonds. A child is an extension of a person and you need to invest free time and a lot of effort into him. What are the main tasks of parents in raising sisters?

Make friends with the children. If the girls become friends, it will be a great achievement. Daughters should perceive each other not just as sisters, but as best friends.
Give children equal attention. Girls should know that their parents love them equally. And thoughts about which child is the favorite should not arise in a child’s head.
Let each child do what he likes. The child himself will choose the path for which he was born. Parents should help the child realize his abilities and aspirations, and not impose his desires.

Manifestations of the problem

In order to understand whether your child has such a complex, you need to familiarize yourself with its inherent features. Not all of them are noticeable in childhood; most appear when it is too late to educate.

People with this complex tend to be selfish. Children quickly get used to being pampered and attention revolves around them. They expect the same from adulthood.
Self-discipline and organization are difficult for kids. He is used to others doing everything for him.
The younger ones are manipulators. Everyone knows how to get what they want. But second-born children are born manipulators. They have all the levers of pressure on their family, relatives and others.
Irresponsibility. Almost everything is forgiven to the younger ones, because they are considered still small. No matter what they do, they can get away with it. And this is a very bad trend; every person, even the smallest, must be responsible for their actions.
Rebellious beginning. In families where children are compared with each other, rebels are born. Children try to do everything in spite of their parents in order to prove that they are better.
Fights between children. In every family there is an unspoken competition for the attention of parents. Sometimes such competition develops into real fights.

Spoiled children are used to getting everything