Every parent who has children knows the feeling of tiredness from the fact that they sort things out for most of the time they spend together.
Children quarrel and fight for any reason: hidden or overt struggle for parental resources, disputes over toys, attempts to assert themselves. There are many reasons - the result is the same: children cry, parents are upset and mentally exhausted. And, most importantly, we know that this will happen again and again, which does not add to our optimism.
When the number of conflicts exceeds the permissible limit, it destroys not only the relationship between siblings, but also the intra-family atmosphere.
Imagine: relationships between children can be turned into peaceful ones, and it depends only on you, the parents.
Experienced parents from several countries shared techniques that helped them personally.
Make children hold hands or sit nose to nose
One parent sat fighting children on the sofa and forced them to hold hands. He did this trick only 2 times. And now, when he sees that the conflict threatens to develop into something more, he calmly asks: “Do you want to sit on the sofa, holding hands?” And the storm subsides before it even begins.
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After the fight, the second parent sat the children on the floor, nose to nose. After 20 seconds they started laughing and the conflict was over.
Reconciliation T-shirt
Many of you have probably seen this T-shirt in collections of funny photos about children, but it turns out that it really works.
The idea is as follows: you need to take a large T-shirt, separate the fighting brats, while it is important to remain calm and have a stern expression on your face.
Put a T-shirt on both (three) and say: “You will not take off this T-shirt until you make peace!” Older children can be forced to do housework - cleaning the nursery or peeling potatoes. Don't take your eyes off them so that they don't start a new round of fights without you noticing.
Since they will be forced to cooperate, they will have to make peace; they will have no other choice.
Possible reasons
Hatred towards a brother is often caused by childhood psychotrauma.
Parents often make mistakes in the process of raising their children, be they two boys or a boy and a girl. They often do not notice how they create a feeling of hatred from one child to another, which in fact may be due to resentment towards the parents.
In most cases, hatred develops in childhood, when some event or circumstance influences the development of psychotrauma, which leaves its mark on the future life of a man or woman.
- Injustice. The reason is appropriate in a situation where parents love their brother more, consider him better, more successful.
- Jealousy. Often characteristic of people who say “I hate my little brother.” This feeling is due to the fact that with the birth of a new child, parents stop paying attention to the firstborn, who still needs their care.
- There is a situation where all things, toys, even a crib are given to the brother. That is, the actual property of one child is transferred to another. At the same time, the first one does not want to part with his things. The kid hates his brother, not realizing that he is not to blame for anything, because this is not his decision, but his parents’. However, it is easier for a child to hate his brother. This situation also occurs in the case when they buy new things for a brother, if he is the eldest child in the family, and the younger one has to wear for him, that is, the first has new clothes, shoes, and the second wears everything for him, having nothing. his.
- Imposing love on your brother. This situation occurs in cases where a newborn appears in the family, and the older child does not feel love for him. Parents, without thinking twice, make their child fall in love with his brother. Mom and dad may even be offended by their first-born, not understanding how it can be that he does not have tender feelings for his brother. Over time, they ensure that the older child begins to experience hostility, jealousy, a hidden conflict, and the baby withdraws into himself and quietly hates his brother.
- Insufficient age difference. Children hate each other if they were born within three years. Since childhood, a spirit of rivalry arises between them in the struggle for their mother’s love.
- Lack of employment among children can also lead to conflicts in the family and negative attitudes towards each other.
- The result of domestic troubles in the family. It is also typical for a situation where children are raised by one parent who is trying to improve his personal life, not paying attention to his kids.
- The result of parents placing responsibility for their brother on the shoulders of their second child. In such a situation, as a rule, the child is loved and pampered, but the older one is considered an adult, he is deprived of his childhood, and is burdened with work and responsibilities.
- Features of temperament. Completely different characters can also lead to a hateful attitude due to the fact that the child simply does not understand why his brother behaves this way and reacts this way to certain events.
- The result of his brother’s mockery and his use of violence. The feeling of hatred towards a relative intensifies when the parents turn a blind eye to the boy’s behavior. The child feels betrayed, and besides, his brother’s constant pestering and punches cannot maintain warm feelings for this person.
Hatred can also develop in adulthood. This situation can be especially noticeable between two brothers. For example, brothers hate each other when they both fall in love with the same girl. A spirit of competition emerges. And when the young lady makes her choice - hatred of the one who stayed with her, the desire for his death (“if my brother had not existed, his girlfriend would have been with me”). There may also be a situation where a brother takes his wife away from his relative or she cheats on her husband with him.
One of my friends hated her brother for many years. And all because he offended her and beat her from childhood. They did not have a father, and their mother pretended not to notice anything. It is not surprising that hatred arose quite quickly. When the girl grew up, got married and began to live separately, she saw her brother extremely rarely, the former hatred began to dull, she no longer remembered how she experienced negative emotions towards her close relative. However, at the same time, she was haunted by certain problems in life, she did not understand where they came from. Having seen a psychologist, she learned that the reason was suppressed aggression and hatred towards her brother, which she thought she had long forgotten. It is extremely important to live through childhood psychotraumas, because they greatly influence us today.
You can also read about the reasons for hating your sister.
Piggy bank of work
This method is good for older children. Write tasks on small pieces of paper (clean up the nursery, wash the dishes, peel potatoes, etc.), laminate them with transparent tape (so they don’t tear) and put them in a jar. Explain to the children that every time they quarrel, they will have to take out a piece of paper from the jar with a task that needs to be completed. You can’t go through tasks: what comes out, comes out. When you see a conflict brewing, simply say: “Work box.”
Piggy bank with money
A method for children who already know what money is. You need to start a piggy bank for each family member. Every time the children quarrel, they must give a certain amount of money from their piggy banks to the parent (the parent names the amount). When children behave well, bring good grades from school or help around the house, the parent returns the money taken away + pays more. At the end of the month, the money earned can be spent on pleasure.
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The parent who shared this method states that the benefits are twofold: children have less conflict and are motivated to study harder and help their parents.
First the nanny, then the doll?
Nastya also learned to hide her old dolls. At the age of 15, of course, she doesn’t need them at all, but Nastya doesn’t want her sisters to play with her toys.
Nastya is most offended by the fact that she cannot go to the pool. Given her numerous extracurricular activities, she only has time for this in the evening. But in the evening she has to pick up her sisters from kindergarten and bring them home - mom doesn’t have time to get to kindergarten on time, she’s working.
Nastya cannot go on a trip with us during the holidays because in a family with three children there is not enough money for this. “But if I were alone,” says Nastya, “there would be enough for me!” Nastya doesn’t really understand why she has to endure all these troubles - she didn’t give birth to sisters, she wasn’t even asked if she wanted to increase her family!
But at the age of 15, the girl dreams of one thing: how she will graduate from school and leave home for another city, where there are no younger sisters. And all my talk about how sisters are great, that they are happiness, that having many family members is a gift from God, is useless. Nastya does not see the prospects that she has in connection with the presence of sisters in some distant future. She is sure that her life today would be much happier and more interesting if there were no younger children in the family.
At our journalism school, almost every student has younger brothers and sisters. It was the younger ones - it just so happened. And how differently our guys treat them!
There is a girl, Lena, who runs from class to kindergarten after her brother with a constant smile, anticipating the joy of meeting the baby. When she talks about her brother, she lights up. Lena never goes on trips with us because she really likes to stay at home with her brother during the holidays.
There is a boy Misha, whom his parents sent to live with his grandfather in a neighboring house because he was completely out of control, and a mother with three younger boys (one of whom is an infant) does not find the time and energy to fully communicate with her eldest son, who has entered puberty .
Olya prefers to pretend that she doesn’t hear when it comes to the younger children in the family. And Ramil declares before each trip that he will only go with his brother. My brother doesn’t study with us, he has completely different interests and hobbies, but the boys don’t like to be separated for a long time.
Remember the saying: “First the nanny, then the doll”? Well, it seems like this is a tradition in our families - older children must fulfill a whole range of responsibilities in relation to the younger ones . And it is also believed that they, children, should enjoy it. The same as parents. It happens that they do. But not all.
Keep calm
Some parents simply observed the quarrels and intervened only when absolutely necessary. They explained this by allowing children to resolve the conflict on their own: they will need this important skill more than once outside the parental home. Where can they learn this better than with their siblings?
Well, some of us can only envy the wisdom and composure of such parents, while others can take this advice into account.
How to be
If you feel hatred towards your brother, no matter how old you are, you should know how to act correctly in order to improve the current situation, to rid yourself of this harmful feeling, because any negative, first of all, negatively affects the human body, who experiences it.
- Initially, you need to figure out what exactly provoked the feeling of hatred, what pushed you to the emergence of primary negative sensations. It is extremely important to identify the exact cause; this will determine what your next actions will be.
- If hatred is the result of improper upbringing of parents, singling out one child, then it is necessary to forgive them. It is important to understand that the brother is not to blame for anything, that it was the parents who behaved in the wrong way when raising their children. You need to realize that the person to whom negative emotions are currently directed is not guilty of anything before you.
- If the hatred was due to the fact that you had to wear things for your brother, then you need to realize that this situation was most likely due to the insufficient financial well-being of your family. Parents were forced to get out as best they could. Just don’t say: “Why had they given birth to a second child if they were experiencing financial difficulties?” After all, they gave you life, they probably love you no less than a brother.
- If hatred arose as a result of constant quarrels and conflicts that lasted since childhood, and you and your brother have an age difference of less than five years, then you need to understand that you have already grown up and the problems that haunted you at that time, at the moment no longer, what you quarreled about is now unimportant or insignificant.
- If the need to love a relative was instilled in you, and you resisted this, try to throw away the feeling of hostility that developed as a protest. Try to look at your brother in a new way, get to know him again.
- If hatred has developed on the basis that your brother once betrayed you, acted ugly, truly offended you, or even used physical force, perhaps he did it out of powerlessness or has long repented of what he did. Then your task is to realize whether you are ready to forgive him or whether what happened hurt you so deeply that you will never be able to live through this pain.
- Sometimes hatred is justified. The person you feel it for is to blame for everything. It makes you feel disgusted and unwilling to engage in dialogue. In such a situation, it is better to reduce communication with your brother to a minimum. After all, with every contact he will cause you irritation, anger and hatred.
- If you have come to the understanding that it is time to get rid of hatred for your brother, but cannot cope with this feeling on your own, then you must definitely consult with a psychologist or psychotherapist. A specialist will be able to identify the probable cause of your negative emotions, work through psychological trauma, teach you how to look at your brother with a new look, forgive him and start a normal relationship.
Now you know what to do in a situation where there is hatred towards your brother. As you can see, there are many reasons that can provoke this condition. Each specific case may have its own factor that influenced the development of hatred. It is extremely important to identify the origins of negative emotions in order to overcome this feeling and improve relationships in the family. Remember that sometimes you cannot cope on your own, then you need to turn to a psychologist for advice.
Separation of children
Some parents advise sitting their children side by side, while others, on the contrary, advise separating them into different rooms or corners. And order to restore order in those places that the parent points to. Typically, cleaning lasts 30-40 minutes, during which time the children have time to “cool down” and miss each other. In addition, children do not like to do household chores, so they will soon develop a reflex: quarrel - cleaning. And before starting a fight, they will carefully think about other ways to solve the problem.
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And this is a letter from a 30-year-old woman, published in The Guardian: “My husband and I got married when we were both in our early twenties. This was our first experience, and there is still intimacy in our relationship, but there is no attraction anymore. Six years ago, I honestly admitted this to my husband, and he was simply shocked by my revelations. Since then, I have kept my feelings secret and never returned to this topic. I understand that my husband is a wonderful father, a wonderful worker and owner, there are no shortcomings in him. But I’m scared that I’ll spend the rest of my life next to the man I consider my brother.”
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Alone time with parent
It's no secret that quarrels often start out of nowhere to attract the attention of parents. Children do this unconsciously, but this is a signal: they miss us. Therefore, you need to get smart and assign each child his own personal time with mom or dad. If there are two children, then it will be easier to do this trick: each parent has a child, and next time the children change places. Just an hour or two, but only for them. It's not the quantity of time spent alone that matters, but the quality. Some parents split up on Saturdays or Sundays and go out with their children.
Attachment theory
It lies in the fact that a person's emotional childhood connections undoubtedly influence his adult relationships with his partner. Over the past thirty years, this theory has been increasingly confirmed, so the root of the problem should be sought precisely in this plane. This will definitely help partners understand what is happening to them. But at the same time, it is worth understanding that it is not the lack of attraction that can ruin family life, but the lack of respect. Therefore, if there is a problem, intelligent, well-mannered people will always find a way to solve it.
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