Why am I lonely - commentary from a psychologist

What is loneliness: definition

Loneliness is a socio-psychological phenomenon associated with the lack of close emotional relationships with other people.

In especially severe cases, it can develop into social isolation, in which the individual is completely cut off and isolated from his environment.

The concept is usually viewed from a positive and negative point of view.

In the first case, we are talking about the desired solitude, which allows you to gain strength and take a break from the hustle and bustle.

In the second case, a depressed state is implied, in which a person loses energy and experiences a feeling of melancholy.

How to choose, or What is the right choice?

And now you are ready to meet someone, in real life or on the Internet - it doesn’t matter. You start choosing. How do we choose what to rely on?

There are three main modalities that help us choose. These are our feelings (in other words, chemistry or spark), sexual attraction (when we physically desire a partner) and our head or mind (when we clearly, at the head level, understand what kind of partner we need).

A choice based on all three modalities can lead to a happy relationship. If one of the modalities is not involved, this is an obstacle at the stage of choosing a partner. The client who ultimately chose loneliness came to me with a sincere desire for a relationship, he clearly understood the kind of woman he wanted, and even had a plan on how to get her. He will get it.

A woman in his head was associated with a function that satisfies the need to be in a relationship. There was no room for feelings. That doesn't mean my client didn't feel anything. No. He simply did not see the point in somehow showing feelings in relationships with women. And not only with them.

In response to my question, “What are you going through right now?” he answered: “Nothing special, everything is fine.” But it is feelings that in most cases are the engine of relationships. Of course, it is possible to have a relationship without feelings, without sexual desire, or there may be a relationship in which there is chemistry and everything is fine with sex, but the partners are not suitable for each other and simply tolerate it. But tell me, why do you need such a relationship?

What to do if one of the modalities does not work? Understand the cause of the breakdown, eliminate the cause and develop the modality. As for the sensitive modality, working with feelings, developing the ability to recognize them, rely on them and express them is one of the key tasks of the Gestalt approach, and there are many techniques for this. What you can try to do now is try to slow down, listen to yourself: first to your body (physical sensations in it), then to the feelings and emotions that come from the body, and gradually move on to thoughts.

Species and types

There are three main types of loneliness:

1. Hopeless .
   People do not have any close contacts. They have no emotional connections with relatives, no spouse, sexual partner or just a good friend. The person has a negative attitude towards others. He experiences a feeling of deep dissatisfaction.
2. Periodic or temporary . The degree of social activity of the individual is quite high. He is able to communicate and establish friendly relationships. A feeling of melancholy visits him only periodically. A person has fairly close relationships with friends, relatives and acquaintances. In this case, as a rule, there is no marital relationship or close affection.
3. Passive and sustainable. The lack of close relationships with other people at all levels is persistent. People lack intimate relationships, emotional attachments, and friendship. But unlike the other two types, they resign themselves to their situation and do not outwardly express dissatisfaction.

The division into types is also used:

1. Situational .
   Occurs during a certain period of life. For example, in the situation of the death of a spouse or the breakup of a significant romantic relationship. As soon as the emotional crisis is overcome and another attachment takes the empty place, the negative feeling goes away.
2. Chronic . A long-term inability to establish relationships with the opposite sex leads to a person constantly feeling abandoned and unwanted.

Why am I lonely? Five reasons

Why am I lonely? Five reasons

Every woman dreams of being happy and having her beloved man nearby. However, loneliness remains one of the main problems of our time. According to statistics, 20-25% of women do not have a husband or a stable relationship. So what is the reason? Why do so many women remain single?

There is an opinion that the main reason for this is in women themselves, in their incorrect behavior and perception of the world. To find a man, a woman, first of all, needs to change herself.

None of us are immune from relationship breakdowns and periods of loneliness. But if loneliness is chronic and lasts for a long time, then you have psychological problems.

What prevents a woman from being lonely?

Inferiority complex and lack of self-confidence

Loneliness, first of all, makes a woman dissatisfied with herself and think that men cannot like her, therefore, when communicating with them, a woman begins to behave uptight and shyness appears. In comparison with her fellow tribesmen who are confident and feel free, she loses. If a woman doubts that she is attractive, she will not be in demand among men, despite her excellent appearance.

Doesn't trust men and is afraid of them

There are reasons why a woman may experience an unconscious fear of relationships with the opposite sex:

• Unsuccessful relationships in youth and disappointment in this;
• The parents' joyless life together;
• Suggestions to a single mother that “all men are their own...”

Feeling afraid of relationships, a woman subconsciously avoids men because deep down she does not believe that she can be happy next to a man.

Work work work…

Loneliness quite often accompanies working and business women who devote themselves entirely to their activities and careers. So, they simply do not have time and energy left for their personal life. Such women often distance themselves from men, value independence and freedom, being content with short-term romances. Quite often, men feel insecure next to such a woman and are afraid of her. That is why many of them prefer less successful and weaker women.

Inability to take care of yourself

Many single women do not pay proper attention to themselves and care for their appearance, because... They do not consider it necessary to emphasize their beauty. They do not adhere to fashion, do not pay attention to cosmetics and jewelry, do not control their weight, and the result is that they look worse than they could if they paid due attention to care. According to the survey results, men's attention is more attracted to well-groomed women.

Negative attitude towards intimacy

A woman who, as a result of her upbringing, has received the attitude that sex is something humiliating and unworthy will be lonely. And this is not surprising. After all, it is this side of life that will cause negative emotions in a woman, instead of making her happy. For men, intimacy is one of the most important aspects of a relationship. And if a woman avoids intimacy or is constrained, then it is doubtful that a man will be interested in continuing a relationship with her.

This shows that loneliness has a psychological basis, therefore, it can be corrected. A woman, having worked on herself, can easily correct this situation by changing her behavior and adjusting her attitudes.

Recommendations for single women

Work on your self-esteem

Exercises, trainings, self-hypnosis, which you can read about on the Internet, can help you. If you have financial capabilities, of course, it is better to use the services of a psychologist who will select techniques specifically for you and your situation.

Pay attention to your appearance

When a woman takes care of herself, she begins to love herself. And this cannot be reflected in her look, posture, or demeanor. And then the woman becomes beautiful!

Sexuality is not a shame

Sex is one of the natural needs of every living organism. It's normal for an adult woman to have sex. Reconsider your beliefs about this if you really want to stop being lonely.

Change your attitudes towards men

This is probably the hardest part of working on yourself because most of us are not fully aware of them. You will most likely need the help of a psychologist with this. What you need to realize on your own is that a man will treat you the way you expect.

Golden mean

You won’t get all the money, but there will always be work, no matter how much you do it. Think about whether the money you earn and a successful career will bring you joy if you don’t have someone next to you with whom you feel loved and loving?

Maybe happiness is not in money or career?

Good luck to you, dear women. Don't put it off until later. Don't forget, we are living right away, and not writing a draft in which we can later correct everything!!!

Signs

The following emotional experiences indicate the presence of a problem::

• feeling different from others;
• absence of a loved one nearby;
• lack of people nearby with whom you can share your most important experiences and thoughts (even if you have a spouse, relatives, or close people);
• the need for emotional intimacy while being in a superficial relationship;
• lack of reciprocity from a significant person.

Causes

Why do I feel so lonely? The reasons why a person experiences such an emotional state differ in each specific case. But the main aspects of the problem in men and women are unchanged .

Why does a person feel this way?

Any individual feels the need to have people nearby who are interested in his fate. The larger the circle of loving relatives, reliable friends, good acquaintances, the better.

In this case, having a loved one nearby is key. You need to feel that you are the object of someone's love.

But the presence of a spouse or partner does not guarantee that the need for love and understanding is satisfied. Just like a large number of friends does not mean that a person can sincerely share his experiences with any of them.

This is the main problem of modern society. We are all surrounded by a large number of people, but often among them there is no one whom we can freely trust.

Women

Why are there so many single women around?

Currently, the issue of female loneliness has become particularly relevant in our country.

In the past, women aspired to get married, have children, and take care of the home. They tried to keep the family together no matter what, often abandoning their own interests for the sake of their children.

Currently, the weaker sex has gained independence from men . Women earn their own money, build a career, and raise children. They often have a higher social status than their husbands.

This state of affairs naturally led to the desire to defend one’s rights, think more about oneself, and refuse compromises. Most women are alone not because there are no men around.

They are alone because there is no worthy (in their opinion) man nearby. Having abandoned her natural essence and adopted many male character traits, a woman naturally finds herself alone.

Beautiful girls

"Why am I lonely?" - some beautiful young ladies ask. And really, why are beautiful girls often lonely? It is generally accepted that beauty is the key to success for the opposite sex and a guarantee of a successful personal life.

People often turn to attractive girls with the question: “Why are you always alone, you’re so beautiful?” The answer lies in the following problems:

1. Excessive demands. The girl is convinced that only a man with certain achievements is worthy of her. He must be socially successful, rich, attractive, etc. Constantly screening out “unsuitable” applicants and entering into relationships only with wealthy suitors often leads to disappointment.
2. Instilling insecurity in men. Most men, seeing a beautiful girl, are afraid to approach her and show attention. They are convinced that such a beauty probably has many fans, and she cannot be alone.
3. Consumer attitude of men. The beauty of a girl always causes physical attraction in men. They do not try to discern the real character and personality of the girl behind the spectacular appearance. As a result, beauties often face the fact that they are perceived as soulless dolls, devoid of emotions.

Men

A common mistake men make is searching for a non-existent ideal. Every modern man wants to find a companion who will be distinguished by her external attractiveness, be a good housewife, a reliable friend and a wonderful lover.

All these stereotypes lead to the formation of too high a bar , which ultimately not a single woman meets.

The problem lies with women themselves. Among them there are many consumers who are looking for a man to solve their housing problem or financial problems.

The man himself as a person is of no interest. Systematically faced with such an attitude, a man comes to the conclusion - “all women are like this . As a result, he makes a choice in favor of loneliness.

Often a man remains alone because of his reluctance to change himself. He has a certain set of negative character traits that have destroyed all his past relationships. But he categorically does not want to admit this fact.

Good guys

Good guys are modest, well-mannered, honest and open-minded young people.

They will never deliberately mislead girls by talking about non-existent material wealth or achievements.

Against the backdrop of decisive and narcissistic braggarts, such guys often get lost. Girls “love with their ears” - that’s a fact. This is precisely the main reason why decent young people always lose to self-confident impudents.

Why am I lonely?

Surely, many women who are in the status of “actively searching” have asked themselves the question: “Why am I single?” Perhaps someone found a rational explanation for themselves, while others were left perplexed...

So what lies behind the barriers to the much-desired partnership?

There are many possible answers here, but I made my own classification of the causes of female loneliness , based on the experience of individual therapeutic sessions and trainings.

So.

I called the first group: Real “I don’t want!” or “I don’t need this”

Over the past half century, humanity has embarked on a unique social experiment. For the first time in history, a significant number of the world's inhabitants of all ages and political views began to live alone.

Loneliness today is not only a consequence of random circumstances, but also a conscious choice of millions of people in developed countries. This is the new social reality of large cities, a responsible decision for both young representatives of the “creative class” and elderly people who want to grow old alone.

Sociologist, New York University Ph.D. Eric Kleinenberg, exploring the phenomenon of modern loneliness, comes to an unexpected conclusion: living alone does not mean feeling lonely at all. And being alone at a certain stage of your life is not only not scary, but interesting and even necessary .

Living alone and being truly lonely are very different concepts, despite the fact that these phenomena are very often confused, only escalating the situation. For example, there is ample evidence that people who have never been married are not only no less happy than those who are married.

But why then do people experience unpleasant feelings for themselves, feel out of place when they are alone, and spend a lot of effort and energy searching for a partner? Yes, because cultural “Musts”, pressure from parents, colleagues, friends and acquaintances and intrusions with questions: “Well, when will you get married?”, “Do you have a mother?”, “When will you introduce me?”, “Oh! We want grandchildren so much,” “Oh, look, time is running out!” - they simply weaken... And the girl is simply focused on something else at the moment, for example, on professional self-realization or creative search... or she voluntarily decided to put the partnership on the altar of her interests. But, feeling pressure from the outside, she develops an intrapersonal conflict when two needs do not agree with each other : on the one hand there is a pressing “I must” / on the other - “I don’t need this now, I don’t want it!” Hence a very uncomfortable state... destructive feelings of regret and guilt, which does not correspond, which does not justify...

By the way, this group is not so numerous in our country.

Osho said that loneliness is the path of the proud and strong: “If you are lonely, then you are already at home.” But further we will not talk about loneliness as a conscious choice of a person, not about the loneliness of a hermit or monk, not about the loneliness of a talented person focused on creativity, not about the loneliness of a self-realized or enlightened master. We will look at the forced loneliness of a person trying to get rid of it, find a partner, start a family...

The second group is also not very numerous

But, nevertheless, such women exist among us. They are obsessed with inflated demands on themselves, self-criticism, and belittle their importance and success. In most cases, we are talking about a conflict between the need for self-esteem, self-image, on the one hand, and, on the other, motives that contradict this self-image and are therefore unacceptable to her: “I want, but I don’t have enough strength . Such women either accumulate traits of independence, aggressiveness or, conversely, dependence and weakness.

In my therapy there was a young woman who had a lot of advantages, but in every possible way devalued them. She escaped in illusions, invented something for herself, believed it and projected it into life. She regarded the usual sign of attention from a work colleague almost as a marriage proposal... In the end, she “invented” a life-saving legend for herself so as not to be in a relationship: “I’ll ruin his life,” “I don’t have the strength to be good.” wife”, etc.

The third group includes women who have formed a certain ideal image that her chosen one must correspond to.

Those. a very high bar for the required standard is set, this could be: appearance, education, status in society, level of material wealth, personal qualities, etc. And then the woman gets tightly stuck in her trap. And, as a result, such a woman, first consciously and then unconsciously, does not give herself a chance to be a wife.

Remember the fairy tale "Cinderella"? We don’t know how the fairy tale heroes lived after their marriage, but this immortal story is reflected in modern cinema, where we can see how the relationship between Cinderella and princes develops. And there are three options for relationships: they break up, the prince descends to the level of Cinderella, or Cinderella grows up to the level of the prince. There are no other options. This is life, not a fairy tale.

During the training with women who fell into such a trap, we explored this dynamics using systemic constellations: The Deputy, who is a metaphor for the Client’s Soul, in the systemic field rejected potential suitors... who were directly circling around the Deputy, she was still looking for an idealized image... and such, well very little or even not... well, it certainly wasn’t in her field.

There were also dynamics that could also be attributed to this group. But here women unknowingly, and immediately unconsciously, fell into this trap: at first we could not understand what was going on... The grooms, seeing the deputy of such a girl, ran away as fast as they could... Right away, as soon as they saw... “legs in hands - and I’m pulling” ... We turned the dynamics from different sides until we came to the fact that the deputy said royally: “I am the Queen”... Having asked the client what “I am the Queen” means, we were very surprised by her answer. It turned out that the girl went through a lot of trainings, where she cultivated the Queen in herself... Then it became clear the systemic behavior of potential suitors, who understood that they and the “Queen” were not on the same path - they were of different “branches”... As the saying goes: “Bunnies to bunnies ...elephants to elephants"...

And we move on to, perhaps, the most numerous, multifaceted, diverse in form fourth group, where intrapersonal conflict rules the roost: “I want, but I can’t” or “I can’t make up my mind, but I want”

• The price for a long-term relationship with a man is too high.

I'll start with an example. So, Yulia is a successful owner of a profitable business... “A Komsomol member, an athlete and simply a beauty,” as from a famous Soviet film. But she feels lonely... she wants a family, children. At the same time, in a shaky relationship with a man - not free, but not very busy (Married, but his wife lives in another city). Moreover, working in the Yulizh business... and some aspects of the quality and results of this business depend on him. And she has been swinging on this swing for many years now... And the price here is this: if she breaks up with a man, a business that brings in a high and stable income may suffer; staying with him is not a fact that they will form a full-fledged family - he is not free and does not want to change anything, he is happy with everything as is.

• Repetition of the parents' family scenario (rejection, loneliness, divorce, etc.). For example, such a female scenario: all the ladies of the family are single, but someone still manages to get pregnant and give birth... Now imagine - this dynamic has been going on for several generations... and if a woman wants to leave the scenario, and she undoubtedly does, then she herself unconsciously regards this as a violation of loyalty, as a betrayal towards the women of the clan... She is caught in the grip of the attitude: “I am the same as you”... and, having violated this injunction, it is as if she will be cut off from the clan, from belonging to them. And this is scary. Oh, how scary... and it takes a lot of courage to decide to take this step. Not everyone can stand it... not everyone has enough resources to gain such freedom...
• Identification or intertwining with someone from the ancestral system (this is when a person repeats almost completely or partially the fate of an ancestor).

I'll also start with an example. The young woman is tired of the fact that she only has relationships with married men, and not of her religion. And, as she herself said, all her men did not take her seriously... And with free men she seemed to have no chance to build relationships. She is tired of being a mistress and wants to find family happiness. During the course of therapy, it turned out that she was connected with her great-great-grandmother, who, in defiance of her relatives, ran away with a Turk, her father’s hired worker. By her act, she disgraced the honest name of the merchant priest, and the surname as a whole. But a blow awaited her; her beloved was married and, having played family with our young lady, he fled to his legal wife in his homeland. Disgraced, homeless, without money and pregnant, the heroine wanted to return home, but she was refused... And now it’s clear why my client chooses men who use her...

This can also include Identification with previous partners of parents who were treated unfairly. Those. a woman or man may be unknowingly involved with the previous partner of one of the parents in order to restore systemic justice .

• Childhood trauma.

1. Stress and disappointment at birth (were expecting a child of the opposite sex).
2. Infantility. Excessive emotional attachment to parents.
3. Emotional separation or emotional rejection from parents.

A striking example here are “Daddy’s girls,” women who did not receive a father in childhood, both physically and emotionally .

The answers I get are different, very different. Most Popular:

“My dad is a scoundrel. He left my mother, me, I don’t know him (or I don’t want to know him).

- What kind of men do you say you meet?

- Yes, only scoundrels!”

“My dad is good, but not mine. He and his mother separated, and his mother scolded him behind his back. We rarely saw each other, he has another family. I justified him in every possible way. I was left with the feeling that dad was good, but not mine.”

“What happens to the men in your life?

- They are. They are good. But not with me”...

“My dad is good, but there’s nothing special to respect. Mom earned money, achieved everything, took care of everyone, dad earned less or wasted money.

“And it turns out you didn’t respect him either.”

- No.

- How do you feel about men?

Read also:  How to attract success and prosperity in life: how to become successful?

- Also. I can’t rely on them, I do everything myself...”

And so on…

Parentifications . Substitute for parents for their parents. Attempts to "save" When you have children at the systemic level, and a spouse, by the way, too, then what kind of novels can we talk about?

• Domestic violence, including sexual violence.
• “My man must find me himself.”

There is such a hackneyed joke...

One man dreamed of winning the lottery. Every day he came to the temple, knelt down and asked God:

- Lord, help me win the lottery!

A month passed, then a second, a year... One day a man, as usual, came to the temple, knelt down and began to pray:

- Lord, let me win the lottery! After all, others win. What does it cost you?!

Suddenly the voice of the Almighty was heard above his head:

- Finally, buy a lottery ticket!

If your life consists of work (especially if in a women's team), communicating with friends and attending crochet courses, then you won't see a man, there's nowhere to find him.

Hence the next point.

• Narrow social circle. (Comments, I think, are unnecessary.)
• Non-acceptance of yourself.

Such a woman is in a state of self-flagellation and self-criticism, thinking that no one will love her, plunging herself into a state of despondency, disappointment and even depression.

There can be a huge number of problems here, but the key ones are problems with:

• Self-attitude.
• Self-worth.
• Self-esteem
• Confidence.
• By recognizing and being aware of feelings.
• Violation of boundaries.
• Communication skill.

• An unfinished relationship with a previous partner.

“If the seat next to you on the bus is taken, then no one will sit…”

Here I would like to give, in my opinion, a very illustrative example. So, a woman has been divorced for more than 10 years and really wants to get married. Her ex-husband has already been married twice since their marriage and is now in his third relationship seeking another marriage. But, throughout all the years of divorce, he comes to his first wife about once a week to help around the house and sometimes have sex... Is this woman free?

Or when a woman has not emotionally broken up with her ex... The heart begins to pound, the breath is taken away, tears well up in the eyes just at the memory of him...

• Fears (we will consider only the most common ones).

1. Negative past experience. Well, here, everything is clear... “I got burned on milk - it blows on the water”...
2. Fear of losing freedom, status or becoming dependent.

Some successful, financially secure women are often unconsciously afraid of losing their independence. They may associate family relationships with personal dependence on a man, responsibilities related to everyday life, home, cooking, and childcare. And then the utopian dynamic: “Better alone than in this bondage” triggers thoughts, feelings and behaviors that are a stopper on the path to a long-term partnership. By the way, only those businesswomen who do not have an example of a prosperous family, but only personal experience of unsuccessful relationships and a bunch of stereotypes about how men can use her, so successful and cool, are subject to such dynamics.

1. Fear of loneliness. This fear drives poor women into relationships like a shepherd of sheep, and, like the sheep, women often do not understand where exactly they are running. And they run where the shepherd needs it, but not them.
2. Fear of losing yourself, dissolving in your loved one, cheating on yourself, etc.

A mix of the above reasons

I described the most common causes of female loneliness. What to do about it? For some, it will be enough just to reconsider and analyze what is happening in the life sphere of partnerships in order to boldly step into a new romance...

But many reasons for loneliness are not on the surface, but hidden, like the underwater part of an iceberg underwater. And it’s not always possible to rise to the surface on your own...

Psychology of lonely life

Such a state has a destructive effect on a person, forcing him to constantly think about the meaninglessness of his existence . An individual deprived of closeness with other people cannot fully feel his own personality and realize his need.

Loneliness is not the absence of people around. A typical situation for modern society is “loneliness in a crowd.” Those around them do not notice the emptiness and apathy that completely absorbs a person.

He can talk, laugh, listen, but not be involved in his actions. During these communications, there will still be an emptiness inside that there is nothing to fill .

As a result, life turns into a monotonous existence , consisting of the same mandatory actions and contacts. The situation can only be changed by the appearance of a loved one with whom a close emotional connection will be established.

Where can I get him (in the sense of a partner)?

So, let's start with the simplest thing. Relationships are always about at least two people. That is, in order for a relationship to arise, you need to find a second one, somewhere and somehow get to know him. It would seem banal. But during consultations, I often encounter surprised female looks: “Is it me who should do something? What’s mine will find me on its own.”

In our women's heads there is often an attitude that a girl should not make acquaintances herself, this “infringes on pride and makes a woman accessible.” Today this attitude has transformed into the idea: “I’m so cool, I’m standing with a white coat on and waiting for a cool prince.” And an anecdote immediately comes to mind when a doctor, in response to a patient’s question about how she can get pregnant, asks: “Have you tried having sex?”

My client, “a cool woman in a white coat,” complained that now “there is absolutely no place to meet people.” I immediately suggested several options, including dating sites, and asked how it was for her. She dismissed all my ideas, and about dating on the Internet said that “these sites are a bunch of inadequate people, among whom it is impossible to meet a worthy partner.”

What to do with these attitudes and ideas that prevent us from taking the first step? My answer is to work it out.

During consultations, I ask clients simple questions. For example, after the client said that the Internet is evil, I asked: “I’m wondering, you’re cool, he’s cool, how will you, two cool loners, meet?” She thought about it. And I continued: “You’re thinking. This is good. Can I ask again? How, in your opinion, does online dating differ from any other communication on the Internet?” My client presented her arguments, we discussed them and came to the conclusion that, in fact, there was nothing that would distinguish him and make him “terrible and unacceptable.” From the warm look and quiet voice, I noticed how the attitudes in the client’s head began to soften and instead of pride and rigidity, openness and kindness appeared.

I asked a little more quietly if she knew of couples who met thanks to the Internet. And I shared with her that two of my friends met their husbands on a dating site, and another one, who was looking for an easy relationship, said in disappointment that “there are too many people on sites dreaming of serious relationships.” It turns out that she had many similar examples.

“I’m generally determined,” she said a little louder, “but I’m afraid of something here.” And in front of me there was already a weak, defenseless girl who wanted to try something new, but was afraid to take the first step. She shared her fears, I asked questions again, and the client presented the fear in great detail. Then together we began to look for her support. And she decided to try, but on her own, without me.

I suggest you think about the places where you can meet, what prevents you from doing this, and try to argue with yourself, bringing up questions and arguments similar to those that I used with my client. They should help shake up attitudes and look at familiar things in a new way.

If you think that only girls find it difficult to meet people, then this is not so. Young people have their own problems. Male clients often talk about how scared they are to meet people in real life (that is, not on the Internet).

My client, a young and handsome guy, about 30, talked about how he was afraid to be the first to approach a girl, because she might “blow”, “send” or, even worse, “not notice”, and “I will then spread rot on myself.” , to think what a fool I am, it would have been better not to approach.”

There may be many reasons why such a reaction from a woman puts a man in this state. With my client, it turned out that not everything the woman said caused him to berate himself. To my question, if a woman called him a homosexual (or something rude), would he be upset, the client replied: “Of course not, I’m not one of those.” And at the same time, without being a “fool,” he considered himself one when an unfamiliar woman called him that.

We were faced with a powerful internal critic who forced the client to consider himself a “fool”, “uninteresting” and even a person of non-traditional sexual orientation. As a result, the client and I worked on a lot: we communicated with the inner critic, dealt with the image of the future girlfriend, with fears and awakened feelings, or rather, their expression. And, realizing all the obstacles, my client made a choice in favor of loneliness. And that's his right.

So, in order to understand why it is difficult for you to meet a woman, first try to understand what happens to you at the level of sensations, feelings, thoughts when she refuses you. How do you feel at this moment? Is it the critic that bothers you, or maybe you feel unsure of your abilities? Perhaps these are some more serious symptoms and if in doubt, it is better to consult a specialist.

There are many techniques for working with the inner critic and uncertainty, including within the framework of the Gestalt approach. For example, you can interact with the critic by imagining that he is sitting in the chair opposite you, or write a letter on his behalf. As for insecurity, try to break down all its components into individual traits and characteristics and see what you really don’t accept and what you could put up with. And further - what you don’t accept, are you able to change. Often at this stage we either correct those traits that do not suit us, or gradually accept them. Thus, by recognizing and accepting our different parts, we become more confident.

Is it good or bad?

Is it good to be single?

Conscious solitude allows you to relax, replenish energy and establish a connection with yourself .

Many people systematically need such solitude, without which their resources are quickly depleted. In this case, we can talk about the exclusively positive nature of loneliness.

If a person suffers because of his situation and dreams of changing the situation, then we are talking about a negative form. This condition destroys personality, lowers self-esteem, and drives depression.

The most productive option is a competent combination of communicating with yourself in solitude with a full life in society, filled with contacts with other people.

Positive and negative sides

Your position has its advantages:

1. In order to relieve stress from the crazy rhythm of modern life, it is useful to be sad with a mug of coffee. This will give you the opportunity to relieve tension and sort your thoughts into shelves.
2. Now you can understand, for example, your parents, whom you haven’t called for a long time. Make up for this omission immediately.
3. Your current position will teach you to be open to people without any self-interest. You will understand what it is like to appreciate those around you.

And the cons:

1. Severe, oppressive loneliness can lead to deep stress from which it is difficult to lift a person out of it. And these are health problems, sometimes serious.
2. A habitual way of life can kill all the strengths of a person’s personality: self-esteem will fall, a bunch of complexes will appear, and problems in socialization will appear. So don't delay.
3. You will lose interest in everything at all.

We draw conclusions: you can sometimes succumb to the blues, but not to despair.

So, this article is written to help you answer the question: how to get rid of loneliness? Exactly get rid of

, and not reconcile. Then it’s up to you and what conclusions you have now drawn for yourself. We hope that if we didn’t convince you, we at least brightened up a boring evening.

Psychological problem

Human life in society is a vast network of various relationships. Violation of such a structure of existence is a serious psychological problem .

If a person’s need to be included in any social group or to be in close interpersonal relationships is not satisfied, he begins to experience emotional discomfort.

There is a feeling of the absence of something important in life, of loss. The person feels abandoned and unwanted.

Loneliness contradicts a person's basic expectations and hopes. For this reason, most people, experiencing such a condition, begin to look for ways out of it.

Overcoming the problem allows you to restore emotional well-being and continue to enjoy life.

Natural closedness.

A woman is programmed by nature to be closed. It's in her blood to say no.

• Next to her lies the best man in her life, she wants him wildly, but says no.
• A really cool guy meets her, and she reflexively turns him down.
• A guy asks her out on a date, the dream of many girls, and again she’s rejected!

This happens every moment. The world is shaking from women’s “No”, natural selection continues to work in both roosters and hens, both men and women. Everything is dictated by the instinctive program that nature created for the life of all living things.

A woman consciously wants, but the unconscious refuses everything, feverishly looking for male cons. Both truly existing and simply made up and far-fetched shortcomings.

Every new man and woman’s eye works like a scanner, searching, praying for shortcomings and disadvantages. The female ear listens and looks for inconsistencies, the timbre and tempo of the voice, the meaning of words, in order to find even more disadvantages!

Men wonder why this happens! And they turn away from such women and look for more accessible ones. Men don’t want to be needy, don’t want to beg, or hear constant refusals! And at this time, the girl’s subconscious is rejoicing - which means it doesn’t really need it. Not persistent enough! I was looking for cons, I found them! SCORE!

The life of many women consists of only one thing - refuse! Even more saying “NO!” Refuse everyone, everyone, everyone! And then suffer from loneliness, thinking that all normal men have been taken away. Nope! You just didn’t give anyone a chance, leaving yourself high and dry!

Any man, especially an unfamiliar one, is dangerous from an evolutionary point of view. What if he's a weakling? What if he gives birth to a weak cub? Therefore, whether you like it or not, you refuse him.

If you get drunk on all sorts of shit in a club, then the instinct weakens and you become more approachable. And in such places, men are looking only for sex. Therefore, after fucking you in a dirty toilet, he simply evaporates in an unknown direction.

The unknown man is a closed book. And you, accordingly, do not know what he is capable of. You do not allow a man to realize his potential; as soon as he wants to show you his coolness, you immediately slam the door in his face!

One of my friends, a businessman, an athlete, leads a completely healthy lifestyle, tall, strong, confident. He had many whores and used the services of prostitutes.

Then he got tired of it and wanted to find just a relationship. He wanted an ordinary girl with whom he would spend his whole life, make children for her, and provide for her completely. He registered on a dating site and after a while asked me a question - “What’s the matter? Why do they always refuse me?

I answered him: “They always do this. They suffer from loneliness, sit on dating sites all day long to refuse. They are lonely, they want male affection, but they simply do not give a chance to open up. They don’t even agree to a meeting.”

Then he said, “Maybe there are just no normal girls on the dating site?”

Me - “These sites are still the same people you see every day. Both men and women. Girls just satisfy their instinct by refusing everyone.”

He - “It seems that I am beginning to understand this system. A large selection always makes people indecisive. It’s harder to make a choice in stores when your eyes run wild from the abundance of goods.”

Absolutely right! The girl is configured as a consumer. All girls always have a choice of men. But they always expect the best. And they choose what they have to.

One girl, very intelligent, is passionate about self-knowledge at a high level, once admitted to me that she got married because the time had come. “I rejected guys who would make my life a fairy tale. And now my life is such a gray and dull thing.”

For men, exactly the opposite happens. For men, there is always less choice, and they understand this, trying to take everything that life gives them.

The girls see this, that they are in demand, and continue to wait for their wretched prince, refusing the brutal knights, only because Mother Nature ordered it so.

This is the reason you are lonely. On the one hand, needed, on the other, lonely!

Your life won't always be like this. Perhaps you will be lucky and you will meet your macho man. This happens sometimes.

But most likely, you will simply find yourself on the other side of the barricades. Namely, you will understand that you cannot delay, that you are already 38 years old, and you will begin to take everything that life gives you.

As a result, you will get pregnant, and at 5 months of pregnancy you will marry some gray prince. Who is not a prince at all.

I know several girls who got married very successfully. If you take a closer look at them, they are very different from the gray mass of girls. They give you a chance. They communicate with men very subtly, very effectively. They know how to do this, they reveal male potential very quickly.

How do they do it?

Consequences

What does loneliness lead to? The consequences that a person may face are not only psychological, but also physiological:

• depression;
• loss of meaning in life;
• decreased self-esteem;
• change in the perception of relationships (unwillingness to put up with the shortcomings of the chosen one, adapt to another person);
• loss of friends and acquaintances who are afraid of being “infected” by a negative mood;
• decreased stress resistance;
• increased risk of cardiovascular diseases;
• deterioration of immunity.

Why no relationship? The view of a Gestalt specialist

These questions can be answered in different ways. As a Gestalt specialist, I would like to look at the problem using the tools of Gestalt therapy.

Gestalt looks at any issue from the point of view of a process, along the way of which various obstacles are encountered. So, for example, you want to get from city A to city B. Doesn’t it seem difficult? But! You may not have enough money, the last ticket may be bought in front of your nose, the flight may be delayed or cancelled, and you may simply change your mind.

So it is in relationships - on the way to them, obstacles may arise (or, speaking in the language of Gestalt, interruptions) that can prevent this relationship from happening. These are our attitudes, beliefs (learned from the outside, without our own evaluation), frozen feelings or suppressed desires, our fears and much more.

Each of us is unique, but the interruptions that my clients, young and successful people, have encountered are repeated. And they all came to me with pain about their loneliness.

Benefit

How is loneliness beneficial? The main benefit of productive solitude is the ability to calmly recognize your needs and desires . For this reason, people who have gone through a bad breakup are often advised to spend some time alone.

They get the opportunity to rethink their lives, analyze the mistakes they have made, and make decisions.

Only when we are alone with ourselves do we get the opportunity to establish an internal dialogue with our “I” and answer all important questions.

Truly free and self-sufficient individuals are able to enjoy solitude and use it productively, without plunging into suffering and without unnecessarily prolonging this state.

I feel very lonely in my marriage. I suffer.

Alexey, Khabarovsk

April 27, 2018

I feel very lonely in my marriage to my wife. I am 31 years old and have been married for 7 years. My wife is 5 years older than me. I have a 4.5 year old daughter. I have been suffering from prolonged depression for 5 years now because I am very lonely. I feel unneeded, just a tool for making money and solving problems. After two years of marriage, my wife became indifferent to me. She is never interested in my life. All my problems at work are also not interesting to her. There is practically no intimate life. And what exists happens no more than once every two months on my initiative. She sits at home with the child. I didn’t want to go to work after the discount. Every day I ask how she is doing, write to her, call her from work. In the evening I try to talk and communicate. She answers me either in an irritated or tired tone. She is always not in the mood or tired. She herself does not call or write to me. If you just need to solve some problem. To avoid feeling completely depressed after work, I study with my daughter all the time. Only in her is my only joy. My wife doesn’t really like my relatives, although they help us a lot; we spend no more than two hours visiting them. Then we leave under the pretext that the child is tired or it’s too late. All our communication boils down to the fact that I am trying to talk to her about something, and she is sluggish and reluctant to carry on the conversation. I tried to talk to her many times, but she always avoids talking. Lately I’ve just started freaking out, saying: “Are you tired of your whining, or are you always worse than everyone else, you’re a sufferer here and I’m bad.” If you don’t like it, get a divorce and leave. I suffer greatly from this misunderstanding. Three years ago I met another woman. And she was the only person who cared about me. He was worried and tried to help me in every possible way. But I couldn’t leave my family. Because of my daughter. I could not leave her alone with her mother, because I knew that I myself could not be happy leaving my daughter without a full-fledged family. And the woman I was with, I understood that she was a very good person, just a treasure, could not be truly happy with me. She wanted a full-fledged husband and children. So I let her go. Now she has found herself a new young man. And happy with him. I wanted to return to my family. Try to make everything work out. Try to start life from scratch. Because living the way I lived in two families is, in my opinion, wrong. And when I returned back to my family, that’s when the real nightmare began for me. My feelings of loneliness and uselessness increased tenfold. I constantly remember the warmth, affection and care that that other woman gave me, and I understand that there will be nothing else even close in my life. I began to catch myself thinking that I didn’t want to live. I just can't live like this anymore. And only my daughter stops me from the stupid act of committing suicide. From the outside it sounds stupid. It would seem that you should get a divorce and live happily. But I can not. I just can not. I recently took out a mortgage so that we could move to a larger apartment, and the child had his own full room. I can’t leave it, I simply have nowhere to go. With all this, I have to work a lot to pay off the loan, I don’t know if I need to say that the quality and intensity of my work has dropped very much. I started crying at night. All desires to eat, sleep, and sex drive have disappeared; I don’t want to watch movies or TV series. I just come home, try to eat, wash my face and go to bed. And even in my sleep I can’t rest, I often wake up, look at the ceiling and think about my life. About how I drove myself, and how lonely and unhappy I am. My wife, by the way, is happy with everything. She doesn’t want to go to work in order to help me at least a little financially. I'm tired. Very tired. I don’t know how to get out of the situation. I don’t tell anyone about my problems and don’t cry, because I know that everyone will say that I’m just a fool who ruined my life. I need help because I can't help myself. And I feel like a little more and I’ll just completely break down and go crazy from the grief in which I live.

The question is closed

depression

family

Problems

Loneliness

Loner syndrome

There are people who spend their entire lives trying to separate themselves from society .

Alone with themselves they are much calmer. They avoid any relationships, connections, obligations.

All their contacts are superficial . Minimal involvement ensures that there are no worries in the event of a breakup.

Reluctance to get close to other people always indicates a mental trauma that was once suffered. It could be loss, betrayal, unrequited feeling, etc.

By isolating himself from others, a person seeks to eliminate the possibility of a repetition of the traumatic situation.

Conscious aspiration

Where does the tendency towards loneliness come from? A fully conscious desire to live independently without close contact with other people usually arises for the following reasons:

• lack of understanding from loved ones;
• desire to understand yourself and your needs;
• fatigue from social and interpersonal contacts;
• the desire to protect yourself from emotional experiences by completely abandoning relationships;
• lack of people nearby who inspire trust.

Having become convinced of the impossibility of building those relationships that would cause satisfaction, a person consciously decides to be alone. This gives him a feeling of calm and security from any negative experiences.