My 12-year-old daughter doesn’t want to go to school and comes up with various excuses.

Ivan Vdovin

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To begin with, before discussing the topic of how to force a child to study at school and do homework, it is necessary to understand the parent’s behavior towards their child. To do this, think, maybe the child doesn’t want to learn because he copies your behavior, and you yourself don’t want to learn? But let's talk about all this in order.

How to get your child to do his homework?

To begin with, I will say this thing: the more you force your child to do homework and study, the more you suppress him and the stronger the resistance to learning arises. Understand that the child wants to enjoy life and be happy, so that mom and dad would love, but here are some lessons. Moreover, it is not clear to him why he needs to go to school and do his homework.

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He has not yet formed the cause-and-effect relationship that if you study well, then you will gain more knowledge, which means you will get a good job and earn a lot of money and at the same time provide for your mother and father in old age.

So, this picture is clear for the parents, but not for the child. Therefore, your compulsion to do what he does not like only leads to aversion to learning. By the way, I had exactly the same thing when I was a child.

But if you move away from the term force to study to another more positive one, then the meaning changes. More on this below.

Do homework together

This option is suitable for primary school, but the better and more competently you form the habit of doing homework for your child, the less you will suffer later when the child grows up.

So, children learn from the behavior of adults, therefore, if you force the child to study while you sit in front of the TV, then the child will experience dissonance. How is it that adults are sitting watching TV, and I have to strain. Therefore, a simple option is to show how you yourself are also learning with him.

I understand that the 1-3 grade program may be boring for you, but, nevertheless, the better you invest in your child in childhood, the more independent and successful he will become in adulthood. (Read more: how to change your life for the better)

Entertainment only after classes

The sooner a child understands that work comes first, and then rest, the easier it will be for him to learn how to make money in life. Create such a rule for him and observe 100% compliance, even if you are at work. Fortunately, there are whatsapps and other telegrams that can show the quality of homework.

Read more: Inferiority complex, how to get rid of it.

And yet, there is special software for computers and phones through which you can control access to your smartphone remotely.

Therefore, we get that the child has come home from school, you can give him time to rest for 1-2 hours, and then homework and then the rest of the time is free.

Don't blame for mistakes

There's nothing worse than getting stressed during class. Understand that the human psyche always connects one association with another. And we get the following picture: if a student messed up during homework, and you scolded him, he clearly has the following things in mind: his parents are traitors and the fact that making mistakes is bad, which means that in order not to make mistakes, I would rather not do anything.

And things get even worse if you force the child to do everything well and without mistakes, and on top of that you scold him for a mistake. Here the picture of an idealist emerges; a person has formed the belief that if something is done, it will be done ideally. But he also begins to doubt that he will succeed, which means that he will put off his lessons until the end, and in adult life he will be afraid of responsibility, since he needs to do it perfectly, but it may not work out perfectly. Complete cognitive dissonance.

You are an authority for a child

You know this peculiarity, children always test their parents, and indeed everyone, how far they can go in their behavior. Therefore, if you told the child to turn off the TV and go do homework, and at the same time you forgot or did not want to check. Then the child begins to understand that you can say whatever you want, but he can’t get to the point.

Therefore, your authority is gradually shaken and, moreover, the child begins to trust your words less and less. I recommend that if you said that if the child does not do his homework, there will be some kind of punishment, then this must be carried out and implemented.

School issues

The child does not want to go to school: consequences and motivation

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Recommendations for parents on how to convince their child to get up on time and motivate him to study

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Nine-year-old Ilya cries almost every morning and does everything possible to avoid going to school. His parents complain: “He constantly whines, says he doesn’t feel well and that he’s bored at school. But he used to enjoy going to school. We don’t know what happened, but recently it has become very difficult to convince him to go to school.”

If your child is in elementary school, most likely you have more than once encountered a situation where he did not want to get ready and go to school. In this case, it is important to find out the true reason for his behavior. It could be a lot of work at school, problems with classmates, or a way of coping with negative emotions. It is important for parents to understand the situation: perhaps he needs more time to sleep, has problems communicating, or does not have the willpower to get up early in the morning and go to school.

Sometimes children are afraid of bullying from classmates. A child not wanting to go to school is the first sign of bullying, so check to see if this has happened to your child. Some children find it difficult to get used to the routine and rules of behavior at school. For them, skipping classes is a form of protest. In any case, by refusing to go to school, the child is trying to solve some real problem. However, this way of solving problems leads to even bigger problems. Therefore, it is important for parents to help their child cope with difficulties on their own.

A child may complain that he is bored at school. Psychologists say that in some cases, when a child complains of boredom, he experiences a little anger. And sometimes kids are really angry about school, and sometimes they're just bored. You must explain to your child that going to school is his responsibility. Tell him: “You should go to school, even if you are bored there. It is your responsibility to go there regardless of your mood. If you want to not be so bored at school, find something interesting for yourself there.”

Motivation and consequences in adults and children

Millions of people are forced to get up in the morning and go to work. And they cope with this task because they have developed skills that help them adapt to the real world.

If you look at how adults solve problems like these, there are two main components: motivation and consequences. Motivation is the answer to the question of why you need to go to work (for example, to feed yourself and your family, to be able to buy a new car, expensive clothes, etc.). The consequences are that if an adult does not get up in the morning and go to work, he will be fired. If he continues to do this, over time he will begin to have financial and social problems.

The child should have similar motivation and consequences so that he understands why he should go to school. Explain this to him. Parents have two tasks: to motivate their child to go to school and to help him determine why he does not want to do this in order to solve the problem.

It is not difficult to motivate a child; for this you need to come up with some kind of reward. For example, you might tell your child, “If you get up on time, you can go to bed later or take an hour to rest in your room during the day.” Such encouragement should also occur on the condition that the child gets good grades and behaves well at school. Don't forget to praise your child for getting up on time. For example, you could say, “I like that you get up on time. Has there ever been a time when you didn’t want to get up? How did you force yourself in such cases?” This way you can understand how the child feels and how you can solve the problem.

Establishing the consequences is also easy. The main thing is not to enter into confrontation with the child and establish consequences that will correspond to the situation. It is important to explain to the child the consequences as early as possible - from the very first cases when he does not want to go to school. As a consequence, you can limit the child in some way, for example, not allowing him to go to bed later than the set time. You can, on the contrary, put him to bed earlier. You can tell your child: “You haven’t gotten up on time for a whole week, so for the next week you will go to bed an hour earlier. If you go to bed and get up according to the schedule, in a week, perhaps, you will be able to go to bed again as before.”

If your child has difficulty getting up in the morning, remove the TV, computer and mobile phone from his room - they may be causing problems with sleep. As a consequence, you can also limit your child's time watching TV or playing computer games.

Set boundaries for your child and show him real consequences for his behavior.

When a child does not want to go to school, he does not fulfill his responsibilities at school and at home. It is important to pay attention to several points here. Firstly, it is important how the parents explain their responsibilities to the child - how he will fulfill them depends on this. If a child refuses to study, parents must find a new way to communicate with him and pay attention to what responsibility he bears to the family. Ask yourself: “Does the child refuse to do what I ask? Does he do his homework?” Does he refuse to study homework or help around the house, but instead plays computer games? It is worth restricting his access to the computer. Subsequently, access to a computer can be used as a reward for getting up and going to school on time. This is good for motivating the child.

Don't try to talk to your child in the morning about the need to get up on time. In the morning, the child is not able to perceive such information and, most likely, he will begin to make excuses or enter into conflict. Therefore, it is better to have such a conversation later. Additionally, if going to school becomes an ongoing problem, parents need to understand that the school, not just the parents, sets consequences for such behavior. Let your baby get up later, but don't make excuses for his behavior. Write a note to the teacher that reads something like this: “The child was late without a good reason and is ready to take responsibility for it.” If a child is not allowed into class, that’s good. Don't protect your child from consequences for their actions. Older children who skip lessons have a harder time learning – and this is also a consequence of their behavior.

So if your child doesn't want to get up in the morning and go to school, think about three things.

First, correctly establish the reason for this behavior. If you cannot do this on your own, consult a psychologist.
Secondly, think about how to motivate him and how to reward him for good behavior.
Third, set consequences and limits to teach your child responsibility. Parents must clearly understand the difference between punishment and the consequences that follow the child’s actions. This will help them act more effectively.

How to hold a child accountable?

When a younger student has problems getting up early and going to school, not only parents, but also the school system should be involved. The same approach should be used for older school-age children, but they may be resistant. It is necessary to make every effort to help your son or daughter. But it should be understood that sometimes parents can be powerless when it comes to forcing a teenager to go to school. At this age, children are already able to resist parental influence, and poor performance at school may be their conscious choice. Parents should understand that a teenager is already more responsible to society than to them. Accept the fact that you can no longer control your child in everything, and then do everything you can to help him.

Parents often feel alone in the struggle for their child's good behavior. And there are many reasons for this. Modern youth culture promotes irresponsible behavior and freedom from all responsibilities. It is naive to think that a teenager will put effort into developing the skills needed in adulthood if he is not sufficiently motivated or if he does not see the consequences. In modern society (largely thanks to youth culture and the education system), there is a myth that excessive responsibility does not guarantee success in life. This leads to the fact that there is so much mediocrity around, and society considers this normal. If you adhere to this attitude, raising children becomes easier, but in adulthood they will have a difficult time.

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Too much overprotection

Unfortunately, no matter how you raise a child, it still won’t work out perfectly. But many people think that if a child is loved a lot, he will grow up to be good. That's right, children need to be raised to love, but not to love. What I'm getting at is that many parents really dote on their child and allow him everything in the world, even if he doesn't want to do his homework, then there is no pressure on the child and there won't be any.

What is the risk? The child grows up infantile. He is not taught any responsibility, his parents do everything for him, they even go to the military registration and enlistment office with their parents. If you are raising a pet that you want to keep next to you always, then continue in the same spirit. But if you want success in life for your child, you need to cultivate this success in him.

Studying is necessary, but not the main thing

It is necessary to make the child understand that studying and homework are necessary for learning, but there is no need to say that this is the most important thing in life and that if you study poorly, you will become homeless or an alcoholic.

Unfortunately, in this way you will not bring him to his senses, but on the contrary, you can form a negative belief: if he studies poorly, he will become drunk, and over time this belief will work in him, he will think that everything is bad in life because he studied poorly, it means you need to sleep. And everything went downhill.

Don't compare children to others

Oh, how many inferiority complexes and other insecure behavior there were in people when, as children, we were compared to others who were more successful. “The son of my mother’s friend” oh, how many people have been ruined by this notorious: “look, but Antoshenka studies better than you and got an A, and does his homework himself.”

Do not do this under any circumstances, it will lead to a lot of complexes and not the slightest desire to study. You will generate in your child such qualities as: envy, revenge, resentment, guilt. I would send everyone who says this to re-education so that they would understand what a negative connotation this expression carries. Sadly. Well, you don’t need to go to the extreme and present your child as the best.

Parents want to realize in their children what they themselves have not realized.

Another important detail to understand. If you yourself have not achieved something in life, then you want your child to achieve everything that you yourself wanted. If there is such a complex, then you begin to send your child to clubs that you yourself would like to attend, but without asking the child about his desires and aspirations.

Hence it also turns out that you yourself didn’t really study at school, but you demand from your child, just beyond the results, that everyone would envy you, what a great job your child is. But only you are doing all this for yourself, and not for the sake of the child. We are such selfish and vain bastards.

Read more: How to become confident

Praise for doing homework

Praise him for doing his homework, say how well done he is for doing everything to the end. He will be just as happy and the desire to do homework will be very high. Moreover, even on your own

Why doesn't my child want to go to school?

Most children wake up every morning in a bad mood just because they have to go to school. Why is this happening? After all, parents think that school is so interesting, you can learn so many new things and chat with friends. But in reality, in the eyes of a child, going to school does not look so rosy.

We have identified several main reasons why your child may show reluctance to study at school:

If a child is still in elementary school, he is usually interested. However, if you sent him to school too early, he may not be emotionally ready for what will be asked of him. After all, all the soul of a five-year-old child wants is to play, jump, run, but not sit at a desk and cram lessons that he is not yet able to understand.
In adolescence, the reasons are more complex. A child may not like the class in which he is studying because he cannot find a common language with his classmates. In addition, he may have frequent conflicts with teachers who do not want to approach him and demand from the child the same as from all children.
A child may refuse to go to school if he had to go through a stressful situation that was difficult for him. This could be moving to another city, parental divorce, death of a close relative or pet.
If a child is sick, then a priori he cannot have a strong desire to go to school, especially when he had to skip a lot of classes and then study everything on his own. The feeling that he is behind everyone else in the class only enslaves the child more.
If a child constantly hears that he is stupid, but his neighbor at his desk is great, then this can only humiliate and anger him. It will not be possible to motivate a proud child whose psyche has not yet fully formed in this way. Children's maximalism against the backdrop of constant humiliation will only aggravate the situation, and the child will openly begin to skip lessons and not complete what is assigned at home.
If parents do not react in any way to the child’s success, then he simply does not have the motivation to learn. While this continues, the child will not have the desire to go to school and achieve something high.

If you force a child to study subjects that he does not like, then his academic performance will not improve, and in general the desire to go to school will disappear. The child does not owe anything to anyone. And if he wants to study mathematics rather than literature, then he should be allowed to do so, otherwise the desire to thoroughly learn at least one discipline in this way can be easily and simply discouraged.

Children in their behavior are guided only by what is inherent in them by nature. Therefore, all parents need, first of all, to think about whether it is worth forcing their child to study. It’s better to help him figure out why he needs to go to school so that he can form the right perception. Next we will tell you how to do this.

How to make a child study

In order for a child to study well on his own, it is necessary to understand all the points that were written about homework. It all goes the same way in studies, but there are small deviations. Let's talk about them.

It is necessary to explain why the child is studying

Here is a child studying at school, for some reason he gets up in the morning and goes to school, but for what? You understand this, but try to understand it at the age of 7-12. How will you explain why you need to study? In order to earn good money, you provide for him; in his understanding, money comes to you easily, and he asks you for it. Everything is logical, for him money is easy.

But if you explain, as an adult to an adult, everything about how the world works and how important money is and that money pays for knowledge and work, you already need to have a lot of patience. But try without shouting and reproaches.

Explain about bad grades

I remember how I didn’t want to study when I was assessed with some numbers in my diary. And then they scolded me for getting a bad mark. Although I remember how I got a 1 (count) in mathematics, everyone laughed at homework. But I just came to work independently after an illness and didn’t understand what to do? Well, it’s still a shame.

And yes, my desire to learn has greatly weakened. But fortunately, over time, other teachers came and showed by their example that you can study, get good grades and still understand the subject. How I loved such teachers.

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Did you want to study yourself?

The child takes behavior patterns from his parents. If you yourself did not want to study, but you make him suffer, then he will sense a catch, that you cannot demand what you yourself did not want and did not want.

Therefore, if you had difficulties with your studies, you do not need to demand the same from your child, as this will set you even stronger, like a bull on a red rag, against studying. What to do here? It is necessary to talk, admit that you did not like to study, and that the child can become better than you and know much more and become much faster. Be honest.

Negative climate in the family

Perhaps this is one of the main ones. But for some reason I wrote it at the end. If there is complete chaos in the family, there are always scandals, parents disrespect each other and their children, then there can be no talk of any successful studies. The child absorbs everything from childhood and, by the way, largely blames himself if his parents quarrel.

Other reasons

Other reasons
And a few more reasons for reluctance to go to school and ways to solve them.

Personal problems: don’t want to go to school because the object of your crush doesn’t reciprocate your feelings? With unrequited love, you just need to get over it or go ahead and achieve what you want. Useful tips on this topic can be found here (for boys) and here (for girls).
Reluctance to attend classes is often dictated by problems in the family: parents get divorced, or don’t understand, or disappear forever at work, a new family member has appeared, etc. This problem cannot be solved by moving to another school - everything will have to be resolved in a narrow family circle.
Very often you don’t want to go to school because of the elementary fear that they will ask you to come to the blackboard, give you a bad grade, give you a difficult test... What to do in such a situation? Let go of fear and understand that the world will not collapse if today you get a C instead of an A. It can always be fixed. If you are afraid of such basic things, you will definitely not become the superheroes of this world.

And finally, as a bonus, we will look at the last and most common reason why you don’t want to go to school - simple laziness. I probably had to spend the evening playing my favorite game or on social networks until midnight, and I really don’t want to get up in the morning at 7.00. Or this: yesterday you hung out with friends for a good half of the day and didn’t learn one, or even several lessons - and now you’re afraid that they’ll ask you and give you a bad mark. Or this: today you would like to lie in a cozy bed, with your favorite tablet, drinking tea and buns, but here you have to put on a nasty uniform, sit through 6-7 lessons, strain your brains...

Situations familiar? If you don't want to go to school for this very reason, no one but yourself will force you to do it. Pull yourself together, cultivate your willpower - and go ahead! Prove to yourself and everyone around you that you can do it!

conclusions

May God grant everyone to understand the meaning of all the words I wrote here. It is necessary to love children. But not for loving. Educate, but do not humiliate. In fact, there is no ideal of upbringing; it doesn’t matter if something negative slips through. But you can’t be only good in everything, otherwise you may end up with alcoholism and drug addiction.

And you need to accept the bad in yourself, understand that without it there is no place and honestly treat yourself as we are.

Thank you for reading the article on how to get your child to study at school and do his homework. Perhaps I haven’t described everything here, but, nevertheless, this is enough to understand the whole essence of the problems of “Fathers and Sons”

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Please excuse my ERRORS in the text, unfortunately I am a great specialist in psychology, not in literacy)) Sign up for consultations now, I will be happy to help you find happiness in life! Cost 5000-2500 rubles per consultation . Also read reviews about my work. Download now the guide to changing yourself.

Conflicts

Conflicts
A child often tells his parents: “I don’t want to go to school!” What to do in a situation where this is clearly not due to fatigue? The most common reason and, unfortunately, difficult to solve is conflicts. Firstly, not everyone admits this, so as not to seem once again humiliated and insulted. Secondly, things often go so far that only a professional psychologist can clear out the resulting lump.

With classmates

Problem. Children are cruel, especially teenagers. They have their own view on literally everything: on school, on clothes, on teachers, on the entire educational process. They may bully a peer for various reasons:

he does not have an iPhone or social media accounts;
he dresses poorly and unfashionably;
he is closed and uncommunicative, lives in his own world;
he studies poorly;
he has flaws in appearance (protruding ears, large mouth, long arms - any defect can be the cause of ridicule), etc.

Result: due to ridicule and bullying, the child does not want to go to school, he develops various internal complexes.

What to do ? Try to understand the reason for this attitude of your classmates. Because of poverty and lack of iPhone? Such friends are worthless - you shouldn’t bother winning the friendship of such people. Surely there is someone in parallel classes with the same level of income: we need to unite and give a worthy rebuff to offenders. Problems with studies? So this is a great reason to pull up all your tails. Believe me: any problem can be solved—you just need to want it.

Advice to parents: you will probably be the last to know about your child’s problems with classmates. That is why you need to constantly keep your finger on the pulse: does he communicate with peers on social networks? Does he go for walks with them? does he tell you about his relationships with them? What does the class teacher say about this? If the problem is not resolved 2 months after you begin to solve the problem, seriously think about changing schools, but do not forget to ask your teen's opinion.

With teachers

Problem. If the student and the teacher do not have the same temperament or outlook on life, this may result in some kind of confrontation. A powerful, authoritarian teacher, accustomed to shouting, can suppress a melancholic person, and in the morning he will repeat with tears in his eyes: “I don’t want to go to school!” A mirror situation may also arise: an amorphous, calm, overly calm teacher will not be able to take the nimble fidget and ringleader into his hands. This leads to problems with learning and performance.

What to do? In fact, you need to remember first of all that any teacher is a person. You can always talk to him, find some approach. Surely he is also unpleasant about the current situation, and he will be reluctant to settle everything through joint efforts. If you are faced with a real Medusa Gorgon (there are practically no such people left in modern schools), you can always solve the problem with the class teacher, school psychologist, or even the head teacher. If you tell them that the child does not want to go to school because of a conflict with the teacher, resolving this conflict is primarily in their interests.

On a note. Try to look at the teacher not as a merciless Cerberus, but as someone’s wife, mother, sister, friend... Imagine how hard it is for her - this will radically change not only your attitude towards her, but also your relationships with each other.