It happens in life that people leave it without saying goodbye. Accidents, accidents, natural disasters and similar events take the lives of our loved ones without warning or asking permission. Death is sudden and unpredictable. As a result, very often after the death of a loved one there remain open questions, unresolved problems, a feeling of resentment and, most of all, a feeling of guilt. Someone feels guilty for rarely visiting their grandmother, calling their mother little, or not monitoring their father’s health. Someone is burdened with guilt because they felt relief when a loved one, who had suffered from illness for a long time, died in the hospital. Someone regrets that they didn’t guess, couldn’t, didn’t try to save the dying man, didn’t come to say goodbye to him. There are many variations of the feeling of guilt, but they all have one thing in common - the inability to receive forgiveness for one’s actions or inaction from the deceased.
Causes
The most unpleasant thing after the death of a loved one is the realization that nothing can be fixed. Also, feelings of guilt are instilled by canons that are actively supported by society and the church. Psychologists say that it takes no more than a year to accept the fact of death, but memories of the deceased will not go away, so it is important to preserve only bright and kind moments in memory.
Reasons for feeling guilty:
- Relief if leaving for another world was preceded by a long illness. It is difficult to watch the suffering of a loved one and care for him;
- Lack of a frank conversation with the deceased and receiving forgiveness from the deceased. Here all that remains is to pray that the soul finds eternal peace;
- For some reason, it was not possible to help the deceased when he needed support.
- Lack of communication with the deceased during life. This situation is designed to teach you how to set priorities correctly and pay more attention to family and friends;
- Supporting the decisions of the deceased that led to death (for example, not taking medications);
- Lack of actions that could protect the deceased from death. It is important to understand here that it is impossible to control the life of another person.
Along with guilt comes anger - at the deceased, God and oneself. This mixture of emotions is caused by elementary selfishness, since without the deceased it is difficult and sad. After this, fear arises, as a feeling of the inevitability of death comes. Then thoughts begin about the meaning of life and the afterlife.
To objectively assess the situation, it is important to find the source of your experiences - the horror of death. Grief, anger, guilt, resentment are a defense mechanism of the psyche that masks denial. What happened cannot be changed. Loss of control leads to depression, so it is important to recognize the causes of negative emotions and accept them.
Seven Stages of Grief
You need to understand that at first and for six months you need to experience grief. This helps to adapt to a new world, without a loved one. The experience of grief is divided into seven stages. To be rehabilitated, you need to go through them all.
Negation
Shock affects the brain - reality is denied. A categorical refusal to accept the death of a loved one at this stage is the norm. Fear is one of the main accompanying problems of denial. Fear of sudden changes and fear of the future cause panic in a person who has suffered a loss.
Often the bereaved person at this stage behaves calmly, as if nothing had happened. It also speaks of denial. The subconscious is still waiting for the door to open and the beloved husband or child to come home. Reality is not realized, the existing world and views on life have cracked, but have not collapsed. This stage allows you to prepare to accept the death of a loved one.
Anger
At this stage, it is very difficult to stop feeling guilty. The person experiencing grief becomes too aggressive and embittered towards the world around him. He believes that everyone deserves to die, but not his loved ones. You may hear offensive remarks or even death wishes. It is very difficult to control yourself.
Guilt
Anyone who has lost a loved one begins to feel guilty towards him. It seems to them that if they had treated the deceased differently, then everything would have been different. If the mother had loved her child more or the wife had cared for her husband a little more, nothing would have happened.
Depression
People who miss the first three stages of accepting grief descend into depression. The energy is completely depleted, everything is spent on controlling emotions and denial. A person who has suffered a loss withdraws into himself and plunges into sadness. He tries not to contact the living. He does not accept sympathy or help.
Adoption
At this stage, thoughts about the loss of a loved one become normal, death is taken for granted. It takes quite a long time to reach this stage - from four months to a year. During this period, a new world begins to be built, a new environment is formed. After the loss of a loved one, the world will never be the same. I gained control over my grief and managed to pull myself together. The story of the deceased no longer causes panic and tears, but rather a sad smile and warmth in the soul.
Renaissance
During this period, a person may distance himself from many loved ones. This is due to the adaptation of the inner self. You need to try to find new hobbies, change your profession or do something useful. After a broken life comes the realization that you need to live on.
New life
Moving or completely changing your social circle helps complete rehabilitation after the loss of a loved one.
How to get rid of guilt
Everyone experiences an awareness of guilt towards the deceased. This is a normal reaction, but psychological analysis does not eliminate the negative. To get rid of unpleasant feelings, you need to fulfill your duty to the deceased and go through 3 stages - accept, live and let go.
How to free yourself from guilt:
- Organization of funerals and seeing off the deceased to another world. Prepare the funeral in compliance with all church canons, order funeral paraphernalia, invite guests to the funeral dinner.
- Acceptance and living of negative emotions. Find the source of the guilt, conduct a thorough psychoanalysis and accept that losses are inevitable.
- Analysis of the deceased's belongings. This is a difficult ritual that will help partially get rid of reminders of the deceased.
- Prayers and religious rituals. Faith gives hope of meeting the deceased in the afterlife. In addition, funeral services help the soul find peace.
It is allowed to carry out any actions that will help alleviate the condition and do not harm others. There is no need to try to numb the pain with alcohol or drugs, as they will only make the situation worse. When the duty to the deceased is fulfilled, you need to pay attention to yourself - spend time with family and friends, go on vacation, change your surroundings.
My mother passed away after a long illness. I blame myself for her death
I really need a consultation with a psychologist in LS, I can’t expose my terrible memories to everyone. My mother died before the New Year. She was diagnosed with uterine cancer in 2020 and underwent surgery in May of that year. At first everything was fine, but then it got worse, worse and worse... In 2020, she became completely weak and stopped leaving the house. At the end of October, pulmonary edema occurred due to high blood pressure (she was hypertensive, and I didn’t even bother to buy a blood pressure monitor - I was always short of money). I came home from work and saw that mommy was choking, she had foam on her lips. I immediately called an ambulance, then the Ministry of Emergency Situations, so that they could help carry my mother into the ambulance, since there were 120 kg in it and the paramedics could not lift her onto a stretcher. Mom spent a week in intensive care. The pulmonary edema was stopped, and the condition improved slightly. But she no longer got out of bed, she couldn’t even sit (only with my help, I kept my mother on the bed). She lay and did not get up, and for me these months turned into hell. At first everything was fine, but after resuscitation I discovered bedsores on my mother’s buttocks, shallow, but very scary! And also, when I took my mother home at the hospital and took off the compression bandages from my legs - the doctors asked me to bring them to avoid the formation of blood clots - when I took off the bandages, I discovered huge bruises on my legs! I was in shock, very scared, I almost felt sick. Then these bruises turned into trophic ulcers... Mom suffered for almost 2 months. Trophic ulcers hurt, she was capricious, asked to hold her legs up, it was hard for me, but I held on. Gradually, my patience began to run out, and I began to lash out at my mother... No one helped me, we have no relatives, and my friends, when asked to help, “disowned.” I went to the social security office with the hope of hiring a nurse for my mother, but I couldn’t afford the price they quoted - my mother and I together did not receive as much a month as we were asked to pay the nurse. I went to work remotely to stay with my mother. I worked from home and when my mother called, and she called very often, I ran up to her in another room. Then change the bed, then give her something to drink, and fed her. I learned so many tricks on how to deal with a sick bedridden person who also weighs a lot. I myself weigh about 80 kg, I used to be slim, 59-60 kg, but then I gained weight - I don’t know why. And then one terrible day, which started out quite well, I greeted my mother in the morning, said “Good morning” to her, then washed her, changed her bed, and fed her a delicious breakfast. Then I got tired - for some reason I get tired very quickly, I lay down on the bed with the phone in my hands - I hoped to rest a little while my mother was washed, she had a clean diaper on and she was fed. And then my mother began to whine for me to hold her legs, since they hurt. I tried all the means to relieve the pain - painkillers, Ledocaine spray, and various ointments - nothing helped. So, mom whined, pestered me, at first I calmly asked her many times, mom, let me lie down, and then I’ll get up and hold your legs. But no, she was mischievous and demanded that I get up right now and hold her legs. And that’s when I broke down... It’s the worst thing to remember what happened then. I gave my mom real hell, which lasted the rest of Saturday and Sunday. It was as if something had come over me, I couldn’t stop... At the end of Sunday I calmed down a little. I didn’t dare ask my mother for forgiveness, because I realized what I had done. I changed her bed, she had dinner and fell asleep. On Monday morning, when I was changing my mother's bed, she said that some girls came and offended her very much. I told her that it was me, but she didn’t believe me. She said that the girls all had different faces. I decided to tell my mother that there were no girls - that it was I who behaved this way towards her. Mom didn’t believe it at first, but when she realized that I was telling the truth... She looked at me and said, “I will never forgive you for this!” ". I asked her for forgiveness, but she did not forgive me. So Monday passed and Tuesday came. There were no signs of trouble. A neighbor came to my mother, brought her treats, they talked... The neighbor was sitting by my mother’s bed. On Tuesday, I fed my mother very tasty food - she ate borscht with meat and sour cream, sandwiches with fresh bread spread with butter and red caviar, jelly or compote - I don’t remember what... In the evening, my mother began bleeding heavily from the vagina, with huge clots. This happened before, the last time was in April 2020, after that my mother stopped leaving the house, she only walked around the apartment with a stick. I called an ambulance, but the paramedics said they couldn’t help. They said that they could not stop the bleeding and suggested that my mother go to the hospital. And I felt complete powerlessness, emptiness, as if I could no longer do anything. Mom said that she would not go to the hospital, since no one could lift her. I was already afraid to call the Ministry of Emergency Situations, they swore at us very much, because I often called them when my mother fell on the floor and I could not lift her. How they arrived when my mother suffered from pulmonary edema is still a mystery to me. In general, the ambulance left. They said that my mother’s blood pressure was under 200 and most likely she had a fistula (she had an intestinal-vaginal fistula). I myself gave my mother Tranexam and Dicinon, after which the bleeding stopped and the huge clots stopped coming out. Mom said she was feeling better and suggested she go to sleep. She asked me not to turn off the light. And I saw that blue corpse spots appeared on her legs. In the middle of the night, my mother asked me to sit with her. I complied with her request. I took her hand, and it was sticky, wet and cold - as if it had just been taken out of the freezer. Mom asked me to put on a blouse for her, I put it on, not entirely true, because it was hard to lift my mother, but I did my best. Mom calmed down. Then I sat next to my mother, asked her for forgiveness and said that I loved her very much and that she was the best mother in the world, I remembered all the good things she had done for me. Mom heard and understood me. I asked her - can you hear me, do you understand what I’m talking about? She nodded. I asked my mother not to die - she cheerfully answered, “I’m not going to,” and asked me not to cry. Then my mother began to breathe strangely. I called an ambulance, but they said they couldn’t help, they could only come and take a look. I said that we need to help and that there is no need to come just to look at a sick person. I remembered that my mother had such breathing when her sugar was low. I measured her sugar, we had a glucometer - it turned out to be 20-22 units! Mom was breathing heavily and doing “ahhh”, “ahhhh”. I called the ambulance again, told her about my breathing and high sugar, but received the answer that they don’t reduce sugar either. I hung up and took Maninil, but my mother couldn’t swallow the pills. I diluted maninil in water and poured this mixture into my mother’s mouth. However, maninil did not give anything - the sugar did not decrease. I decided to inject my mother with insulin, although she was not on insulin, but I did not know how else to help my mother. The time was 6 o'clock in the morning. The pharmacy hasn't opened yet. I found on the Internet that there was a 24-hour pharmacy near us and ran there. But it turned out that she had not been working for a long time; a hairdressing salon was opened in her place. I rushed back home. Mom continued to breathe strangely. I sat next to her, talked, cried and asked her to wait until the pharmacy next to our house opened at 8 am. Mom’s breathing became less and less, her eyes rolled back. I hit my mother on the cheeks, but it didn’t do anything. Finally, at 8 am, the pharmacy opened and I rushed there. The pharmacist said in surprise that they didn’t have insulin. I rushed back home in despair. On the way, a neighbor caught me and asked, “How’s your mother? ". I pushed her away and ran home. Mom’s breathing became less and less frequent and eventually stopped completely. I saw my mother’s lips turn white, the blood drained from them. I called the ambulance again and asked them to come and do something, even just to look. They came. They asked me “How long has she not been breathing? ". I didn’t know what to answer, I mumbled that right before their arrival, my mother stopped doing “ahhhh”, “ahhh”. The paramedic did an ECG, there was a straight line on the tape... Soon my mother has been gone for 2 months. I blame myself for killing her and want to leave after her. I'm only afraid that the suicide will be unsuccessful. I dreamed of becoming a children’s writer, but now I’m wondering what kind of writer I am, what I can give to children, because my soul is rotten... I want to talk to a psychologist, maybe this will help me. I don’t show anything outwardly, at the funeral I behaved like Fr. To be honest, I simply did not realize anything, as if I was half asleep. Maybe Tranquesipam contributed to this, I don’t know. I organized the funeral myself, but they also helped me - with money, they gave me a car so that I could quickly fill out all the paperwork. I go to work and don’t show anything outwardly, but I come home and start howling and crying. I was left completely alone and I don’t even know if I deserve to live anymore. My only consolation is that my mother has suffered enough and nothing hurts anymore. Maybe she met her mother, my grandmother - she was very sad and missed her, and when it was bad, she asked to take her with her. Apparently, my grandmother looked at my behavior and took my mother away. If someone helps and writes to me, I will be very grateful. It’s better in PM - it will be easier and easier for me.
Help from specialists
If you have an obsessive feeling of guilt, you should consult a psychologist. The standard period for mourning is up to 1 year. But it is impossible to accurately determine the length of time when the pain will subside. If a person feels unwell, it is better not to hesitate and make an appointment with a specialist.
When a bereaved person needs psychological help:
- Prolonged depression, attempts to commit suicide;
- Problems sleeping, frequent nightmares;
- Poor performance, reluctance to interact with society;
- Decreased immunity, exacerbation of chronic diseases;
- Nervous breakdown, observation of symptoms of psychological illnesses;
- Migraine, epilepsy, seizures, tremor;
- Taking alcohol and drugs (futile attempts to escape reality);
- The occurrence of phobias, unreasonable fears, panic attacks.
If these signs are not eliminated in time, this can lead to serious problems. In some cases, a one-time consultation with a specialist is sufficient, while in others, serious long-term work and medication are required.
