Constantly listening to whining and getting involved in the negative emotions of your interlocutor can not only significantly spoil your mood, but also cause health problems.
Outburst of negative emotions
A person who endlessly complains about life splashes out a lot of negativity on those around him. Those around them, in turn, can unconsciously absorb it into themselves, appropriate it, as a result of which they themselves become uncomfortable.
Those who take everything to heart especially suffer from whiners. There are cases when people who listened to complaints about high blood pressure, after the conversation themselves began to feel bad and noted a strong increase in their pulse.
Whining Infection
Listening to other people's complaints, a person often begins to remember his own problems and failures. As a result, he also has a desire to tell his interlocutor about troubles and difficulties: and then the exchange of negativity begins.
The conversation turns into continuous whining about how hard it is to live and how bad everything is in this life in general. As a rule, this does not end at once - all subsequent conversations also become a constant exchange of complaints.
Negative way of thinking
Even if the person listening to complaints does not begin to share problems in response, such conversations still leave a negative imprint in his head. He increasingly thinks about the negative aspects of certain situations, anxiously awaits any upcoming events, and scrolls through his head about possible options for how everything can or could happen.
- 3 steps to have a positive mindset in life
Close communication with a whiner does its job, and people who constantly listen to complaints themselves turn into gloomy people with a negative way of thinking.
It turns out that from whining we get nothing but endless harm to both psychological and physical health? And what to do if you simply don’t have the strength to keep everything to yourself?
SO, WHO IS A WHINNER?
A real whiner is always a whiner, except for rare moments of enlightenment. He will always find a reason to lament the frailty of his existence and complain to you about another insoluble problem. Moreover, for him any problem will be insoluble! But here there are two options.
In the first case, a real whiner comes up with a problem for which there is simply no solution. He can cry for a week because he wants some kind of five-wheeled car to drive to work. But he doesn’t need a regular four-wheeler! And I don’t care that there are no five-wheeled cars, and I don’t care that, in general, there is no point in it. HE WANTS THIS CAR. So feel sorry for him, caress him, lament with him: his grandiose high dream has collapsed, and the rest of the stupid people don’t understand him.
In the second case, the more practical whiner complains about completely simple problems with a completely simple solution. But he seems to be working hard to NOT address the issue. He may whine about how much he hates his job. But at the same time, of course, he will not lift a finger to find a new one. He won't even write a resume! And if you offer him hundreds of wonderful vacancies, he will only sigh sadly and say that he hates his job more than anything else in the world, but he is not ready to spend 5 more minutes on the road to a new job. And he is not ready to work in the best company in the world, but receive 500 rubles less than now. And no, he is not ready to send his resume to this company, because it seems to him that he heard somewhere that once in 2005, wages were delayed by one day.
How to stop being a whiner
If you notice this behavior in yourself, then a couple of tips on how to stop being a whiner will help you:
- forbid yourself to whine about the complexity of life and the lack of good people along the way. And forbid your friends and acquaintances from raising such topics in conversation with you. At first it is difficult to control yourself, because you will have to be strict, but if you monitor your words and behavior, then after a short period of time you will stop whining, it will become uninteresting to you;
- catch yourself trying to turn the conversation into whining, come up with a punishment for yourself. A popular option for weaning yourself off negativity is using an eraser. You need to put it on your wrist and pull it back when the urge to whine arises. The method causes pain, but there is also an effect. A conditioned reflex is developed that at the subconscious level you remember that when you whine, it hurts.
WHAT ARE WHINERS DANGEROUS?
They are contagious! If you are constantly in the company of a whiner and all you do is listen to complaints of varying degrees of far-fetchedness, it will be either extremely difficult or even impossible for you to have fun and smile. You risk becoming a sad and depressed person while you listen from morning to evening about how unfair and cruel the world is.
Believe me, the whiner himself may not really care about his problems, about which he so desperately cries to you. But here is your approval, pity, patting him on the head and words about how wonderful he is, and everything will definitely be fine with him, until he, sobbing heavily and lowering his eyes, shakes his head and asks again, “so do you really think that I - the most beautiful person in the universe? - this is like sour cream for a cat.
Whiner child
From birth, children are not prone to whining for no reason; their dissatisfaction is associated with biological needs and the desire for closeness with family. But having before his eyes an example of whining, the child will want to repeat it and, getting what he wants, he will quickly realize that this type of behavior is effective for him.
A whining child is prone to whims, responds poorly to educational requests, and does not accept refusals. Moreover, being in opposition to an adult, even the slightest and very objective prohibition will cause a long attack of whining. As they get older, instances of this behavior only become more frequent, as teenagers become more negativistic and stubborn towards adult authority.
The transfer of behavior style into communication with peers leads to a deterioration in the child’s socialization in the team, since whiners make a negative impression on others. A situation of social vacuum is created, which negatively affects the entire life of the growing individual. Also serious harm is the fact that a whining child is often in a depressed state, which has a devastating effect on his health.
To answer the question - if a child in a family is a whiner, what should parents do, it is necessary to take into account that the emerging psyche is very plastic. Children, from birth, learn the behavioral styles inherent in their immediate environment. And if there is a whiner nearby, the risk of developing a whiner child becomes higher. Therefore, an important step will be to eradicate this trait in adults. The child should calmly and reasonably explain the reasons for the situation that causes the desire to whine. Next, it is possible to ignore the child’s whining for a while to give him time to understand the information provided. Following the lead of a whining child is fraught, since positive reinforcement of his behavior will motivate him to repeat the situation.
HOW TO FIGHT THEM?
In the fight against whiners, everyone goes through several initial stages: 1) denial that the person is a whiner and quarrels with all the insensitive cudgels who call him a whiner; 2) pity for the whiner and naive but noble attempts to help him; 3) the realization that came a few months later that the person really just whines and does nothing to solve his “problems”; 4) the desire to rip his head off every time he opens his mouth.
In order not to rip anyone's head off, after you realize that you can no longer endure it all, show the person that you are not going to become his eternal vest.
1. Try to firmly, but not rudely, advise the person to go to a psychologist
: For the next complaint, hand over the specialist’s business card. Make it clear that you no longer want to listen to his whining, but you still want to help. A real whiner will not go to a psychologist, because he doesn’t really need help, but pity. So there is a chance that the person will take the hint and simply switch to someone other than you.
2. Don't give a whiner the opportunity to whine. Try not to be alone with him.
Then you and the other interlocutor can translate each of his dull sentences into a positive direction. When the whiner tries to insert his pessimistic 5 cents several times in the conversation, and you continue the cheerful conversation, he will give up.
3. If for some reason you cannot exclude communication with a whiner, turn on white noise.
For example, your work colleague with whom you sometimes have lunch may be a whiner. Let him chatter about his grievances and hardships, while you chew your salad, nod periodically and think about unicorns and rainbows.
4. Play a cruel joke on the whiner. When you meet him, start... whining!
And he moaned all day, not letting him get a word in. Let him feel how it feels for you. Maybe this will make him look at his behavior from a different perspective.
5.
Whining is a way of life.
It is almost impossible to correct a whiner. Therefore, if possible, just try to protect yourself from communicating with such people as soon as possible
, before you are dragged headlong into this dull swamp.
Why despondency is dangerous, or How to get rid of whining
Want to test your memory? Try to remember what you complained about exactly one year ago.
Leonard Thomas
“Welcome to complain!”
When we first started our business, the first employees were hired on the principle of “whether you like the person or not.” Since we were inexperienced, we hired the first ones we came across, because the main thing was to “get the person.” As a result, I have seen this picture many times:
“Today we have only 200 clicks... and no calls,” the person in charge of contextual advertising tells me for some reason reproachfully.
“There was one client, but he refused...” the “salesman” states the fact with an expression of worldly sorrow on his face.
Or they’ll tell me some other problem and sit with sad eyes, looking at my reaction. Somewhere deep down I felt that this was wrong. Nevertheless, I supported these people: “Okay, don’t worry, now we’ll reconfigure everything!” or “Okay, we’ll decide now, I’ll call the client and we’ll sort it out!” That is, I had to get involved myself, invest my energy, my own strength and steer the situation. The next day, history repeated itself.
This behavior of people, namely the position of a victim, became even more pronounced in Business Youth. If you watch our VKontakte group https://vk.com/molodost_bz, you will discover an interesting trend. On the first day after class, 100% of the comments are filled with delight and energy. There were people like: “That’s it! Oh! My world has been turned upside down, my cockroaches are all dead!”, “I want, I will do everything, no one and nothing will stop me now...” However, 30% of the total group on the second day are already starting to whine: “Somehow there are very few clicks...” , “Some kind of stupid niche...”, “Three calls, zero sales.”
People stated the fact that there were no calls after 20 clicks, not even realizing that the normal conversion rate is 1%. Out of twenty clicks, 1% will be only the person's thumb or ankle. Ankles can't ring! That's what's interesting! And the person is already claiming that this niche does not produce results.
It’s funny that our employees, acquaintances, and students stated the fact of their own failure with the appearance that someone else was to blame! Once during a lesson, a woman came up to me during a break and said with a complaint: “I still haven’t found a niche!” “Game over,” what can I say. You can’t do business in Russia. It’s always been surprising to me: what’s the point in admitting that you didn’t succeed?
Sick child
Where does the craving for whining come from in us? Where does everything in the world come from? Of course, from childhood. Being a victim as a child gave us many advantages. When we got sick or fell off our bike, our parents dropped everything they were doing and brought us all the bonuses on a tray, which in a normal state we should have earned.
"Do you have high temperature! Oh my God! Poor, darling, darling, say whatever you want! We're not going to school tomorrow. Bike? A puppy? Toys? Lie down and do nothing. I’ll bring everything myself!” What happens when we return to our original “healthy” state? All bonuses about
Our brain is not an idiot. And so do we ourselves. Behavioral strategies from childhood are used in adulthood. But what results it leads to is the question.
Our personality in cross section
When I began to study the topic of “whining” more deeply, my business partner Sergei Kapustin told me an interesting concept that he saw from Tony Robbins. Tony Robbins is one of the greatest living American thinkers. He's about two-twenty tall, his hands are as big as ten of mine, and it feels like he could swallow you whole. In general, a healthy man in the prime of his life. The meaning of the concept is the interconnectedness of our sense of self, beliefs and actions that we take.
According to this concept, the personality is a set of shells, at the center of which is the core, or ID. ID is the deepest human essence, self-identification. The way we feel: “A promising student”, “A person who is being treated unfairly”, “An accomplished businessman” or “A young future entrepreneur, although without money yet, but this is temporary.” The core is the most difficult to change, but it is self-identification that forms the next level - beliefs.
Beliefs are a person's ideas about what is good and what is bad, what works and what does not work, what is right and what is wrong. Beliefs such as “The Internet is bullshit” or “The Internet is a working tool”, “You should sell in person” or “You should sell when you call”, “Business requires money” or “All men are assholes”. Any descriptive characteristics of our reality are our beliefs. Beliefs form a new level called abilities.
Our abilities are our skills and abilities to implement something. Can we do something or can’t we, and if we can, how? - this is a question characterizing the level of our abilities. Abilities arise according to our beliefs. If we believe that Yandex.Direct can provide calls, then they are in any case possible; if we think that Yandex.Direct is something incomprehensible, then where will we get the ability to configure it correctly?
Abilities provoke a pattern of behavior: action or inaction. Depending on what abilities you have.
This is how our reality is formed. The indicator of reality is the people who surround us. You feel comfortable with people who think and behave like you. Like always strives for like. If a person disagrees with you or lives by different principles, you inevitably move away from him. Your social circle is your most accurate projection and the key to unlocking your own self.
Anti-personality and anti-abilities
Now let’s add the prefix “anti-”, or a minus sign, to each of these levels. So we will get antiID. Beliefs that should be developed turn into anti-beliefs that lead to degradation. Abilities become anti-abilities. Inability to get calls, inability to get a client. But you are given the ability to lose it, lose calls and ruin your business.
Thus, a person implements anti-behavior and further strengthens his own anti-ID. Whining plays a major role in this story, and it's scary. A terrible phenomenon that not only prevents a person from rising to the top, but turns him, like a corkscrew, into a reality from which it becomes more and more difficult to get out every day.
Up or down?
Let's return once again to our sheep, oh, sorry, to our environment. Just for fun, do the exercise. Take a piece of paper and number it with numbers from one to ten in a column. After that, to the right of each number, write the names of the people with whom you communicate most closely.
These could be your friends, your significant other, your work colleagues, and even your neighbors - the people you spend the most time with. Then, to the right of the name, put an “up” arrow if this person contributes to the achievement of your goal (somehow helps, supports and believes in you). Put a down arrow if this person, through his actions, emotions or words, is preventing you from achieving your goal. Just be honest with yourself. The most difficult thing will be to place the arrows to the right of the parents. For example, admit that in fact your father is pulling you down, does not believe in you.
See how many up and down arrows you have. The main conclusion to be drawn from this exercise is: If the number of down arrows is greater than the number of up arrows, think carefully about yourself, are you a whiner?
Mom, you are a whiner, goodbye!
Entrepreneurs live in terms of expediency. Not what is right or wrong, but what leads to the goal. Tell me, does the phrase “The supplier sent us” move you towards your goal? Well, does it move at least a millimeter? Why say it then? Whining does not lead to a goal, which means it is inappropriate. It sucks the energy out of you and those around you.
I remember 2008 very well. Then I worked with a company that was engaged in personnel search. I clearly remember the atmosphere that enveloped me when I crossed the threshold of the office. The entire staff, from the director to the cleaning lady, quoted reports of the approaching crisis every day: “200 people were fired there. The cuts even affected Western companies. Koganovich was also fired. We all die". Even the air was saturated with despondency. Instead of spending energy on finding solutions and getting out of the situation, everyone spent it on self-destruction.
It is advisable to remove all whiners from your environment, no matter how difficult it may be for you. Another question is to say: “Mom, you are a whiner, goodbye!” Sorry, that’s what they told us,” is also not worth it. Change your attitude towards whining. As for whining employees, definitely fire them. As for whiny friends, ask yourself if you need such a friend.
Hunt for whiners
The first step to eradicating whining is to change your attitude towards it. If whining stops being normal for you and starts to irritate you, you can get rid of it. Let's look at how this happens.
First of all, re-read your blog entries, re-read your notes and observe your thoughts, statements, dialogues. Just for fun, record how many of them are aimed in a positive way and give energy to the interlocutor, and how many of them contain an energy leech. Observe, track, cut off.
Every time you make a statement, especially when it relates to some problem, ask yourself the question: “Well, I said this, so what? Did the phrase I just uttered move me even a millimeter towards my goal? Or, on the contrary, did it push me a step back into the past, screw me like a corkscrew into the current state of affairs?
Second, let's return to the environment again. An interesting phenomenon described in the articles of Steve Pavlina says that our world is our own projection. People are also a projection of our inner world. People are great indicators of our own selves.
If you try to think this way, an interesting observation arises. Every person who surrounds us is a symbol of some quality in ourselves. For example, what quality does your father reflect in you? What trait of you is reflected in your mother? What about your boss?
How do you feel about these qualities? The key to working on your qualities and skills lies in your attitude towards the qualities of other people. If you can't stand laziness in another person, it means that you are lazy and don't like laziness in yourself. If you don't like talkative people, then perhaps you are a talker and don't like this quality in yourself either.
Understanding this mechanism, observing it, asking yourself the question “What qualities do those around you reflect in you?”, you can highlight whining as one of the qualities. Observe how you treat whining even in your own environment. Maybe you yourself sometimes get sadomasochistic pleasure from the fact that you shocked someone with bad news, and from the fact that you admitted to yourself that everything is bad. Therefore, as long as this continues, whining will continue to screw you back into your current reality.
Do you have a question?
If you listen carefully to your internal dialogue, you can track what questions we ask ourselves. According to Tony Robbins, thinking is the process of asking questions and finding answers to them. It follows that in order to get the right answers and the right results, you need to ask the right questions. Whiners ask negative questions that lead them in circles and negatively impact their results.
And since we constantly mentally ask ourselves questions and answer them, they quite powerfully influence the reality that we observe. So, questions can be constructive - aimed at solving a problem - or destructive, spoiling your mood and giving nothing but a mask of world sorrow. Let me give you a few examples.
“Why don’t I get a single call? Why doesn't anything work? Why doesn’t anyone need my product/service?” Saying this in your head, you ask a question to your consciousness, and, oddly enough, it gives the answer: “Because I don’t have a higher education. Because the Internet doesn't work. Because it’s a bad niche.”
Even without putting a question mark at the end of a sentence, you are still asking your subconscious a question with every thought and phrase. It responds by adjusting the reality you are in according to your questions. It cannot help but respond. Your subconscious does not want to harm or help you. The subconscious mind, like a part in a car, is simply the link between the impulses of your brain and your behavior. Your behavior produces results that determine reality. That's how it works.
Or you can ask yourself and others constructive questions:
“What should I change in the offer or in the advertisement to get calls? How can I speed myself up? Maybe it’s worth testing another product?”
The subconscious will perceive these questions and will inevitably give an answer in the form of a new idea, solution, new acquaintances and your actions. Do you feel the difference? Remember your questions to yourself at least for today. What answers do you think you received from your subconscious?
Why can I do it?
Any question finds an answer. And every answer is true. Try asking yourself the question “Why am I succeeding?” If you haven't asked yourself this question before, getting answers to it won't be easy. However, even small successes have their reasons. How did you decide to start your own business? Where did you find the strength to still not give up? What brought you to this article?
Answers to the question “Why do you succeed?” will form the most important thing - the foundation of you as a businessman. You used to play business, realizing that you were actually a poor student. Now, with each new answer, a foundation will be built under you. Whiners, looking at you, will say: “He’s lucky, he has so much experience / he speaks perfect English / he’s handsome / he started early, etc.” Ultimately, you will see for yourself that you really are a businessman.
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Here are the five most common reasons.
We complain to relieve stress.
We relieve tension by talking about the burden of problems that weighs on us. Children complain about an angry teacher, we complain about our boss, or we share with a friend the deplorable state of our sex life. Simply by expressing our frustrations, dissatisfaction and longing, we feel heard and feel better.
We complain when we can't solve a problem.
Your husband is angry with his boss because he feels stuck in a boring job. The son complains about the essay because he has no idea how to deal with it. When we feel trapped, anxious or hurt, when we are hurt, don't know how to approach a problem, or lack the courage to take action, we begin to complain.
We complain because we are depressed.
Your glass is always half empty, the sky is overcast, and there is no way out. Depression deprives you of energy and makes you see only the negative, instilling hopeless thoughts: “Why try if it will only get worse.” We complain because it's the only thing we can do.
We complain because this is our family's style of communication.
If your parents often complained, creating a persistent negative climate in the family, you learned this role model from childhood. This category also includes families who adhere to a wary position: “We are together against the rest of the world,” believing that no one can be trusted. For such people, complaining is simply commenting on the obvious.
Why do we love to be lazy so much?
We complain to get attention.
A child who is not as smart as his sister or not as athletic as his brother comes up with other ways to get attention. Complaining means gaining sympathy and receiving support. This is how a habit is formed that lasts for a long time.
Who is a whiner in terms of communication?
Whining subjects always make claims to others. They are sure that anyone but them is to blame for all their troubles. Such people do not try to find a way out of the problem. They only state its presence.
If at the beginning of the conversation the interlocutor may still have a desire to respond to the whiner’s misfortune, in the future he will see the futility of such altruistic attempts.
The whiner constantly “pulls the blanket over himself.” He remains deaf to the troubles of those around him. Asking him for help is completely useless. He only cares about his own problems. This way of communication leads to nothing, except to a feeling of decadence and hopelessness.
Stop whining!
Only creaky trees live long. And a person suffering from unbelief and pessimism ruins the life of himself and those around him. Scientists have recently discovered that a constant stream of complaints impairs brain function. And not only the whiner, but also the objects of his negative outpourings. So, if you don’t want to become stupid ahead of time, stop being nagging and hanging around with whiners. Otherwise, the “porridge” in your head will constantly interfere with making reasonable decisions.
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What to do?
Listen
The first aid for complaints is to listen carefully and with participation. Let the person tell his story. Resist the temptation to give advice and immediately solve other people's problems. This is a classic stumbling block in married couples when the husband tries to quickly get rid of troubles by offering solutions, while the wife just wants to talk. As a result, both feel irritated. As soon as your partner speaks out and calms down, consider your mission accomplished.
Discuss the problem in a second round
When the emotional climate changes and your partner becomes less grumpy, it's time to start a rational conversation about the problem. The next day, discuss with your child how to prepare a biology essay. Or, work with your partner to find ways to improve your relationship with your boss. The main thing is to separate the initial desire to speak out from the attempt to solve the problem.
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Discuss the behavior pattern
Don't discuss the problem, pay attention to what makes your partner unhappy. Perhaps he feels depressed, suffers from problems that he does not dare to express, or needs your support? Ask him about it.
Focus on the Positive
When your partner does not complain, but, on the contrary, takes active steps to solve the problem, encourage him. By trying to change the emotional climate in your family, you will create a pattern of positive behavior.
If you're the one complaining, stop.
If you notice that you complain a lot, annoying your loved ones, find the source of your dissatisfaction. Are you depressed, feeling trapped, don't know how to solve a problem, or have given up without receiving support? Think about the issues that underlie the complaints. You may have to start a difficult but important conversation that you have been avoiding for a long time.
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Hello! This is a blog on psychology, in which significant attention is paid to the topics of psychological violence - abuse, narcissism, relationships, personal crises, taking responsibility for one's life, increasing self-esteem, existential problems. The cost of consulting a psychologist is 3000 rubles/hour, in person (Moscow, Maryina Roshcha metro station), or via Skype About us/Make an appointment
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