How to tell the truth so as not to offend?

When people hide the truth

Naturally, the most popular reason is the desire to deceive for one’s own benefit or for the sake of preserving a relationship. But there is a second form of lying - the so-called white lie. When to use it:

to encourage a person in a difficult life situation, to motivate him to fight;
to keep calm, not to make someone nervous;
so as not to offend a friend;
to avoid scandal;
so as not to traumatize the psyche of the interlocutor;
so as not to upset or disappoint someone;
for the sake of safety;
to set the mood.

White lies very closely border on personal egoism or personal fears. Often this boundary is blurred. Perhaps the most harmless and justified lies are fictitious encouraging stories like “you won’t believe it, this happened to me too.” It’s difficult to judge everything else unambiguously.

Interesting fact: many experiments in psychology began with deception of participants. They were told that they would study one thing, but in fact the psychologists were studying a different phenomenon. Otherwise, the participants would not be able to be natural or would refuse to participate, which would derail the experiment and slow down the progress of science.

Question 43. Psychology of understanding the truth

Different people understand truth and lies differently. In addition, a person’s truthfulness depends not only on personal, but often also on social factors. You can be an honest person in principle, but in situations of life choice - and they are very tough today - you can act dishonestly. Both psychological research and real life show: there is no direct relationship between a person’s understanding of the truth and following it in specific cases.

Psychologists believe that there are three main types of understanding of what people believe to be true. The first is “instrumental” truth. A person tells the truth to achieve a goal that is meaningful to him or to express his credo or beliefs. The second type - moral truth - comes from a person’s ideas about what can be said to another and what cannot be said under any circumstances. The third type - reflective truth - is more often characteristic of people with a developed ability for personal self-esteem. Especially in a situation where they have to solve moral and ethical problems.

Research conducted by our institute has shown that more than 90% of respondents consider themselves honest people. Of these, almost 80% are ready to lie for their own benefit, and 60% are ready to give false testimony in court. Every person knows a lot of examples of this from his own experience.

The same three basic types of lies. “Instrumental” lies, thanks to which you gain benefit for yourself, but harm others. White lies (virtuous lies) are a traditional Russian type; the third is a lie that does not bring harm to anyone, but brings some benefit to the person who lies. Let's say a child breaks a vase and blames it all on the dog, knowing that it will not be punished. In my opinion, the third type of lie is acceptable, if we recognize the possibility of its use at all. Although Kant, for example, believed that any lie always harms someone: either a person or humanity.

Unfortunately, experimental psychology itself uses lies. The subjects are asked not at all what they want to know from them, but if this technique is abandoned, half of the experiments simply will not be possible. In general, this topic of the moral permissibility of lying occupies me very much. In world psychology, different types of lies are discussed - from those that are allowed and even set by the state (for example, an intelligence officer can lie) to those that are absolutely condemned by everyone.

There is a difference between lying and deception. Now there is less lying, but more deception.

A lie is a deliberate distortion of facts, and deception is a half-truth associated with the hope that the person being deceived will draw the wrong conclusions from what was said. For example, they asked ex-Prime Minister Kiriyenko whether Chubais would be appointed to any responsible post - and he answered in the negative. A week later, Chubais received a high position. Did Kiriyenko lie or not? I think not: he carried out the will of the president and, perhaps, by that time he believed that this would be the case. In politics this happens at every step.

The purpose of deception is to direct the interlocutor’s thinking along a stereotypical path. The deceived is always an involuntary accomplice, a victim of his own inadequate ideas about reality.

Pros and cons

Why any lie, even a good one, is dangerous:

It does not solve the problem, but only masks fears, complexes, anxieties, etc.
It distorts the perception of reality and puts rose-colored glasses on a person. Imagine that one person is hiding his illness from other people. As a result, they do not know which relationship regime is wiser to adhere to, or, if we are talking about a fatal disease, they do not have time to come to terms with the diagnosis.
Lies are dangerous. If a person, with good intentions, hides his real location or real company, then in the event of problems or an accident, relatives and friends will not have any real clues. This point is especially relevant for young girls who hide from their parents who and where they are dating. Or for lovers.
Lies in the form of making up problems and childish excuses like “my stomach hurts, so I can’t go with you” can cause concern among relatives or an offer to visit the hospital. What's next? Real examination and treatment or admission that you just didn’t want to go. In general, a lie can back the author into a corner and cause even more negative consequences than the original truth.

When a lie is justified:

You can remain silent about some fact from the past if it does not clearly affect the present and future.
If you are confident that you can cope with difficulties and they really will not affect the other person.
When communicating with young children in certain circumstances and due to their age, for example, you should not inform a 2-year-old child about the death of a beloved pet. However, it is better to get as close to the truth as possible and convey it gently.
In a situation where the truth can destroy a reputation or relationship, but hiding it will not cause harm. We are talking about some shameful experience of the past, from which you learned a lesson and will definitely not repeat it.
During interrogation to expose the criminal.
In a situation where this is required by the job description to prevent panic. Relevant for medical practice.

Lying should not be a spontaneous action, a habit. It is justified only when it has become a meaningful and deliberate decision. Moreover, it is important to understand the full responsibility of this choice, to see its consequences and to be confident in one’s own ability to cope with them.

It must be a healing, thoughtful plan, not just a lie. And if you decide to lie, then never reveal the deception yourself. This is the difficulty. Is it possible to live with a secret or a train of secrets, to remember every little detail so as not to screw up?

Should you always tell the truth?

“You must always tell the truth!” - Mom said, looking into your eyes when you were a child. You nodded your head with understanding and accepted these mother’s words with all your heart, realizing that the truth is something that should never be hidden. The books and films we watched as children also said the same thing. Sometimes the heroes in them were somewhat categorical, but they, of course, behaved correctly, because they spoke the TRUTH. We were taught that the truth cannot be hidden, that it will always come to light and those who try to hide it will definitely be punished.

However, as we grew up and gained experience, we began to realize that everything is not so simple. What is true is that it looks less like a sweet candy in a bright wrapper, which is always nice to take out in front of everyone, but rather like a bitter pill, which is simply impossible to take. Life among other people shows that the desire to constantly seek the truth is not only not always advisable, but sometimes it can bring not so much joy as misfortune.

Situations are different, and the truth not necessarily said to your face can change anything for the better.

Children do not distinguish between shades; they, as a rule, divide everything into black and white. If you didn’t tell the truth, then you lied, shame on you. But, any normal adult must learn to handle such a powerful weapon as “truth” correctly, so as not to harm the people around him through his actions. Probably, each of us has had to meet such fighters for justice who are ready to defend the truth with a sword and cut the “womb of the truth” without taking into account either the circumstances or how the one for whom it is intended may react to it.

Imagine that a seriously ill person, who is supported only by the belief that doctors will definitely cure him, is told by someone that his illness is incurable. As soon as the patient finds out about this, he can completely abandon any struggle. But as long as a person has faith, everything can still be changed. This is exactly what those who strive to tell the truth always and everywhere sometimes look like. The inability to understand what consequences their desire may lead to speaks of spiritual immaturity.

A wise person will never follow the rule: tell the truth and come what may. Sometimes the truth can be so unpleasant and capable of causing so much pain that bringing it out for everyone to see is like a public execution. We all sometimes face a choice: to tell or not to tell the truth. And in this situation it is difficult to give a definite answer. For your truth to be truly beneficial, you need to consider the following points:

— Ask yourself the question: “What benefit will the truth bring in this situation?” In order to weigh the need for recognition, you need to look at the situation abstractly. It is likely that the truth will not change anything, or even make it worse. Then what's the point of taking her out?

—Put yourself in the shoes of the person to whom you are going to tell the truth. How pleased would you be to hear it? Is it necessary to inflict a mental wound on a person, is the truth worth it?

- Be not only honest, but also tactful. In order to tell the truth, sometimes you need to choose the right time and place, as well as words.

— Don’t cut the truth rashly, being at the mercy of emotions. In this state, we are unable to control the spoken words and evaluate their significance for a person. Sometimes this can lead to serious consequences.

The truth is certainly important. However, we have long grown out of children’s pants and can fully appreciate how necessary or even dangerous the truth can become in a given situation.

If its significance is not comparable to the sacrifice made, then such truth may be worth abandoning. At the same time, you will not become a “liar,” but will be a wise person who is fully aware of the powerful power of the weapon called “truth.” Telling the truth is easy and pleasant, but only when it will help make changes for the better and make people happier. When you decide to be honest, be sure to weigh all the pros and cons and then your words will not become destructive for the other person.

Do you think that the truth should always be told? Why? Do you have any counter-examples? Share them with us, we will definitely post your stories on our website.

Who are they lying to?

If we do not consider pathological lies, then in the relationships of healthy people the root cause is the one to whom they lie. He either does not know how to accept the truth, or is dangerous with his reactions.

This doesn't justify lying. But in this case it is as inadequate as the weakness of the one to whom they lie. And the inability to accept the truth is nothing more than weakness. It is better not to communicate with such a person at all, but if an unpleasant topic cannot be avoided, then you can lie.

But this, in my opinion, is more relevant for “unvirtuous” lies. As for white lies, I think it is present in any relationship and depends on the values and attitudes of all participants.