Loneliness together: three steps to restore emotional intimacy in a relationship

People often say about my 28-year marriage: “You are so lucky!” But I don't believe luck is the key to a good marriage, it's hard work. But, fortunately, this work is one of the most rewarding - we create relationships based on friendship, mutual adoration and respect for each other's characteristics and quirks.

It doesn't take a relationship expert to know that something is wrong with your marriage. If your union lacks humor, admiration, and emotional needs, you are in a lonely marriage.

Single marriage sounds paradoxical, but it is real. If you ask someone who has already been there, he will say that it is worse to be alone in marriage than to be alone in life. According to surveys, about 40 percent of people feel the pain of loneliness in relationships that have one thing in common: one spouse feels emotionally abandoned.

Low self-esteemi

This problem is typical for particularly sensitive and sentimental women. One of the reasons for a bad attitude towards oneself is improper upbringing. If parents are too demanding and at the same time stingy with affection or praise, then the girl becomes timid and inactive from childhood, she cannot give an objective assessment of her capabilities. Therefore, when meeting the opposite sex, he withdraws into himself and sets himself up for failure.

Even if a girl with low self-esteem has some kind of romantic relationship with a guy, it will not last long. Guys like it when girls have an inner core and their own judgment on any issue. Unconfident girls, as a rule, do not know how to present themselves and their abilities beautifully. Very often, they themselves point out to guys their own shortcomings and “burden” young people with their negative attitude towards themselves, others and the whole world.

How to change the situation:

• You need to get your appearance in order. Don't forget that men love with their eyes, and the first impression is the most important.
• In addition to basic education, it is worth getting additional or completing courses of interest.
• Become a versatile person, communicate more with interesting people.

• Try to do things that you can be proud of.
• Become more confident in yourself, your strengths and capabilities.

Plunge into his world

More precisely, into the world of the spouse’s thoughts. It is important to make an internal effort and take into account your partner’s point of view during conversations - this is an important step in restoring an emotional connection.

I suggest an exercise. Every day, for 60 seconds, close your eyes and imagine what your partner's world is like from their point of view. What does he feel and what does he need? What is his reality? What problems might he have? What makes him happy? What is he worried about, what is he striving for? Enter this moment with all your heart and thoughts.

You don't have to talk to your spouse about what you do and what you see. But by doing this short exercise, you will be more compassionate and patient with him in everyday life. Increased empathy can be the root of renewed emotional connection.

Too high self-esteem2

This problem also has its roots in childhood. It is typical for spoiled and selfish girls. If a girl is told from childhood that she is too good for her environment and that her parents hope to see the most beautiful young man next to her, then her behavior will be programmed from childhood. She will believe that ordinary guys are not worthy of her, and if her choice falls on some young man, then he should be happy. If he refuses her, she is perplexed, not understanding the reason for the refusal.

How to fix the situation:

1. We need to eradicate vanity and pride.
2. You need to objectively evaluate yourself, recognizing all your positive and negative sides.
3. It is necessary to be more loyal to different segments of society, different nationalities, etc.

Loneliness in marriage is not a death sentence

Understanding the psyche with the help of Systemic Vector Psychology helps you see your partner from completely new sides, destroy your loneliness and properly build an emotional connection. And then there will simply be no place for loneliness in a couple where mutual understanding, harmony, trust, attraction and love reign.

Come to a free online training on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan and leave your terrible loneliness in the past. Discover new possibilities for a happy married life together. Register using the link.

Author Anna Mednikova

The article was written using materials from Yuri Burlan’s online training “System-vector psychology”

"Blue Stocking"3

This problem is typical for domestic and obedient girls. They have practically no shortcomings, except for the lack of communication skills. They can be excellent students and hardworking daughters, about whom all adult acquaintances speak only in a positive way. However, even with a high level of intelligence, in the presence of a large number of people or an unfamiliar guy, they are simply speechless.

How to fix the situation:

1. You need to be around people as often as possible and communicate with them.
2. Deal with your own insecurities.
3. Pay attention to guys and don't avoid communicating with them.

Different life values4

Psychologists say that this problem most often occurs in 16-17 year old girls. At this age, they already have a certain image of an ideal young man. The girls try to find him among their peers, but they fail. This happens because at this age guys have a completely different outlook on life than girls.

If the latter want to plunge into a romantic relationship as soon as possible, get married and have children, then the guys dream of a beautiful, reckless life and entertainment. They need a long-term relationship, since they are mainly interested only in sex or a love affair without obligations.

Girls need to realize that at this age any relationship is short-term. Youth is given in order to make mistakes, correct them and gain experience. Only after this, with some knowledge, can you build strong relationships with older guys who have become more serious and responsible.

How to fix the situation:

1. Stop dreaming about marriage.
2. Focus on studies and useful activities.
3. Find a hobby.

Where does loneliness come from in marriage and how to deal with it

System-vector psychology Yuri Burlan says that there are several powerful pillars on which the entire spectrum of relationships in marriage is built. Knowing these basics makes it possible to avoid loneliness for both partners.

1. Terrible loneliness is impossible as long as there is physical attraction between the partners in a couple.

2. Loneliness will never appear if an emotional connection is created between partners.

3. The state of loneliness does not threaten if there is an understanding of each other’s desires and needs as a couple.

Let's start in order.

Physical attraction is what your relationship was built on from the very beginning. If it weren’t for him, it’s unlikely that you would have married this person. This attraction is given by nature and indicates that this person (man, woman) is suitable for you as a spouse for living together and having children. An elevated internal state, caused by the desire for closeness with a partner, allows you not to notice shortcomings in your loved one.

Finding the perfect man5

Young ladies are very impressionable, therefore, their imagination may be captivated by some artist, singer, hero or fictional character. Girls usually have a very clear idea of ​​how he should look, what to say and how to behave in a given situation. It is not surprising if, having not met her fictional hero in real life, the fictionalist remains alone.

How to get out of the situation:

1. Stop idealizing a fictional character.
2. Understand that any guy has both positive and negative qualities.
3. Determine the most important qualities that her companion should have and focus on them.

External attractiveness and behavior6

Many girls, wanting to attract the attention of guys, try to make their appearance more vibrant and expressive. Some ladies who do not have great taste even get too carried away and decorate themselves with completely vulgar attributes, such as piercings, tattoos or flashy makeup. It is not surprising if the image is complemented by loose manners and obscene behavior.

Many guys, of course, may be attracted to this kind of person, but only for a short relationship. They are unlikely to plan a family, have children, or simply introduce such a girl to their relatives and friends. Any man wants to see next to him a girl who evokes universal admiration, and not some outrageous lady with whom it is even embarrassing to go out in public.

How to get out of the situation:

1. Set priorities and choose what is more important: surprising the public or building a serious relationship.
2. Change your appearance for the better.

The heart is busy, please don't knock7

This situation is typical for a girl who is unrequitedly in love. If all her thoughts are so busy with her beloved that there is simply no room for other guys, breaking this vicious circle is not so easy. She will compare any candidate for life partner with her lover and reject her, not understanding that her admirer is bad only because he is fascinated by her, and her ideal is good only because of his inaccessibility.

How to fix the situation:

1. Try to seduce your lover by any available means, and if this does not work, then put an end to your feelings.
2. Look around and understand that the world is full of wonderful men, next to whom you can be happy.

Getting rid of loneliness in marriage

But, unfortunately, the effect of our pheromones - special odors that form attraction - lasts only for three years. This time is considered sufficient for the partners, being attached to each other by physical attraction, to have time to give birth to a child together. During this period, few people experience conditions similar to oppressive loneliness.

After the period of natural attraction ends, the perception of the partner in marriage changes. Flaws that previously seemed like “cute character traits” begin to irritate. And in the same bed, more and more often you just want to fall asleep. And if an emotional connection is not built, living with your spouse in the same territory becomes very problematic.

We feel that something is wrong in the relationship, there is no former closeness and joy from communication, mutual claims, irritation, and reproaches appear. Thus, loneliness in marriage, longing for old feelings and even despair can gradually appear.

Both partners expect that the other will be the first to take a step forward, surround them with the necessary attention and care, and show understanding. Finally, he will hear your wishes.

Love for Bad Boys8

Naive girls tend to fall in love with guys who know how to charm and impress. At the same time, they do not think about the fact that such charm is not a gift of nature at all, but extensive experience in courting ladies. As a rule, “Don Juans” and “lovers” always enjoy women’s sympathy and change lovers as often as gloves. It is not surprising if an inexperienced and in love girl is left alone.

How to fix the situation:

1. If a girl wants a serious relationship, then she better pay attention to serious guys. They are rarely seen at noisy parties, as they prefer rewarding activities such as study, work, or hobbies.
2. Don't mess with guys who have a reputation as ladies' heartthrobs.

Not ready for a relationship9

The girl herself may not understand whether she needs a guy and what to do with him. It is quite possible that she entered into a relationship only in order to keep up with her friends or to seem more mature and interesting to others. At some point, she will begin to feel burdened by this yoke hanging around her neck and preventing her from living her old life, when she did not have to be faithful, she could freely manage her time and not have to report on every misdeed. Therefore, sooner or later, the girl will decide to break off this connection, or her partner himself will not tolerate her disdainful attitude.

How to get out of the situation:

1. Determine what is more important: freedom or relationships.
2. Imagine the further development of the relationship with the guy.
3. Understand your own feelings and desires.

If there are any doubts, then it is better to break off the relationship, since the time has not yet come for them.

Bad example10

Psychologists say that childhood experience is of great importance in building relationships between a man and a woman. Much depends on whether the girl’s family was complete or whether she was raised only by her mother. If a man leaves his wife and daughter, then in the eyes of his child he will forever remain a traitor, and with him a good half of the male sex. It’s also bad if a girl grew up in a family where both parents constantly argued and could not find a common language.

In both situations, the girl sees only the negative side of the relationship, so in the future she will avoid serious courtship, trying to protect herself from pain and betrayal. Quite a lot of time may pass this way, but the girl will still ask herself the question “what to do if there is no boyfriend?”

How to get out of the situation:

• Understand that each person builds his own life.
• Learn from other people's mistakes.

• Abstract yourself from unpleasant memories and begin to live an adult life.
• Understand that the world is full of happy married couples who live in perfect harmony for years.

An exercise that will save your family relationships

Recently on social networks I came across the parable “The List That Saved My Marriage” and decided to make a coaching exercise out of this parable...
Yulia Borovik Oct 30, 2014

Love 12504

Emotional loneliness is vague and difficult to define, especially if the person is lying next to you every night, raising children with you, and having sex with you. But if we are honest, something is missing.

In a single marriage, you do not exclude your partner from your life, but you alienate him from your thoughts and emotions.

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You can communicate with each other, but not discuss your hopes, fears and dreams. It is not necessary to argue, shout and show obvious signs of dissatisfaction; Quite often people just stop fighting because it's easier. In a single marriage, it is possible to remain an attentive and loving parent. Many estranged couples focus their energy on their children.

Narrow social circle11

There are very sociable girls who lead an active lifestyle and constantly make new acquaintances. But there are also girls who do not seek to expand their circle of acquaintances. They are passionate about some activity that takes up a lot of their time and like to meet only with old friends. Sooner or later they realize that in their small world there is simply nowhere to find a young and interesting guy.

How to get out of the situation:

1. Get rid of shyness, become more open and cheerful.
2. Try to be more sociable and make new acquaintances.
3. Attend various events as often as possible.

Life after a loved one's betrayal12

If a girl had an unpleasant experience when a guy cheated on her, then it is not surprising that she does not want to build a new relationship and strive to protect herself from unnecessary emotional experiences. In addition, she may be tormented by thoughts that it is she who is to blame for the betrayal of her loved one, that this could have been avoided, that it could have happened in one case or another. All this mental struggle can unsettle a girl for a long time and turn her away from a new relationship.

How to get out of the situation:

1. If you can’t forget about your previous crush on your own, you can turn to psychologists for help.
2. Stop comparing young people with your ex-boyfriend.
3. Bring back your former cheerfulness.
4. Get ready for a new relationship.

…..

She is truly lucky with her husband. You don’t have to worry about the children: dad will wash them and put them to bed. Friends are also used to the fact that she is unique; perhaps they are offended by such “hospitality”, but they do not say it out loud.

“They are right, I have a golden husband. Sveta is always jealous that he washes the dishes and takes care. Her Lesha would never help with the housework: this is not a man’s business. He’s just the kind of guy for whom his wife should be barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen.”

In the morning, Vera will make breakfast and go for a walk with the children. The walls of the house will be filled with silence and indifference.

And in the evening she will try to talk to her husband again. - Zhenya, how do you see me? - What do you mean, how do I see you? No way. I'm looking for a movie for us to watch. - Zhenya, I feel bad. I really feel really bad. - Why do you feel bad?! Maybe your husband beats you? Left a pregnant woman, there’s nothing to eat?! I'm so tired of these questions of yours. What?! Well, what else should I do?! You create problems in your own head, stop thinking already. Go shopping with Sveta, unwind. Leshka and I will sit with the children. Well, do you want me to send you to the sea for a week? Just don’t start here again with “let’s talk”, “I don’t want to live like this”, “I feel bad, do something”...

A woman in a man's guise13

Some girls prefer to look more masculine. They wear men's clothes and do men's hairstyles, while they have the appropriate behavior and way of thinking. Because of this, men often accept them as their friends with whom they can chat about their favorite topics. They believe that if a woman looks brutal, then she is not interested in male attention.

However, they are wrong about this. Sooner or later, on the path of such a masculine lady, she will meet someone with whom she wants to build a romantic relationship, but it is unlikely that this guy will perceive her as an attractive and sexy girl. Thus, the lady becomes a hostage to her own image.

How to get out of the situation:

1. Burn all men's wardrobe items.
2. Go shopping to buy exclusively ladies' sexy things.
3. Change your hairstyle, learn how to do makeup.
4. Stop acting like a man and learn to flirt.

It is quite possible that you won’t be able to hook an old friend even with such a transformation, but the world is full of men who are able to appreciate the newly minted “chick”.

How to solve the problem of loneliness?

If you want to save this marriage, but no longer face the problem of “I feel lonely with my husband,” follow the advice of “Beautiful and Successful”:

1. Feel free to voice to your man that a lack of communication, support, emotion or confidence is making you feel lonely together.
2. Learn to enjoy moments of solitude. When you and your partner are apart or close, but “on different wavelengths,” you should learn to occupy yourself with something interesting and not wait for the man to take care of you.
3. Be sure to have social contacts outside of romantic relationships, especially if you realize that you need a lot of communication in life so as not to feel lonely.

Beautiful and Successful knows how to find the positives of being alone >>

But if your husband or boyfriend, for his part, does nothing to give you confidence that you are together, then... objectively evaluate whether you need such a relationship?

Website www.sympaty.net – Beautiful and Successful. Author: Daria Blinova. The article was checked by a special psychologist Olga Yuryevna Gryzlova. More information about the site's authors