A trusting relationship is a type of close relationship in which each person has the opportunity to express himself as naturally as possible, and also count on help and support. Usually, it takes some time for trust and the ability to fully open up to another person to develop, but long-term relationships are not always trusting.
It is important that relationships are built taking into account the following aspects:
- faith in a person’s words and actions, no need to double-check what was said or constantly look for backup options;
- honesty towards the interlocutor;
- respect on which communication between people is based, equality;
- accepting not only the “comfortable” positive qualities of a communication partner, but also other, perhaps less pleasant properties of his character, without attempts to “re-educate” or “remake” the other person;
- willingness to seek joint solutions and compromises in case of disagreements and disputes in order to maintain trust;
- mutual support;
- safety (both physically and psychologically); it is implied that in such relationships betrayal is not expected and is not afraid to be completely open, exposing weak points.
There is no single standard by which such relationships are built. Trust does not always mean that a spouse or girlfriend or relative must do one thing and not do another and/or always adapt to the other. All people are different, and trust implies a certain freedom of choice for each participant in the relationship. It is important to avoid pressure, deception and manipulation in relation to each other and to be able to come to an agreement, to find acceptable options for both in certain cases.
A good example in this case is a situation where a wife wants her husband to go with her to childbirth, but he is against it. Here you need to communicate and find out how important joint childbirth is for the wife, and make a decision that will not undermine trust in the couple.
Establishing a trusting relationship requires time and some effort on both sides. The presence of trust between people cannot be constant, and the level of its depth may fluctuate depending on what happens in the process of communication.
Just as trust is acquired, it is lost after betrayal, and for this often one transgression is enough. Betrayal refers to the violation of given promises or obligations and manipulation. Examples: disclosure of secrets, deception, violation of marital fidelity, using a person for personal gain, etc. Often, when faced with betrayal, a person loses the ability to trust or needs more time and effort to establish close relationships again.
To create and maintain trusting relationships, there are several recommendations that take into account the characteristics of interpersonal interaction. To communicate with a child, you should rely on some principles, while when establishing trusting interaction with colleagues, the emphasis will be placed on other elements.
Why establish trust in a relationship.
A man and a woman who trust each other share their problems, thoughts, and experiences. This brings people closer together, makes relationships stronger and more promising.
Trust allows you to be sure that what happens in a relationship, at home, between a man and a woman will remain only between them.
In a trusting relationship, do not be afraid to tell the truth, knowing that they will be understood and not judged.
To trust means to believe in everything that is said. If he said “I love”, then he loves and there is no need to doubt it.
Trust is a fragile thing that should be valued and not questioned. Trust is easy to establish, but difficult to restore.
Trusting relationship between a man and a woman
Relationships in a couple are the most significant among all other types of interaction between adults. The level of trust in them is important not only for maintaining contact, but also for the psychological well-being of the individual. A frustrated need for security after betrayal can negatively affect the entire future path of life. Those who have a history of psychotrauma related to trust in close relationships may experience various disorders:
- Avoidance addiction: when trying to build a relationship, one of the partners, at the moment of approaching personal intimacy (not sex, but emotionally close contact, key to trust), sharply increases the distance. This may end in a sharp break in relations, or it may have a certain cyclical “closer-distance” relationship. This is a pathological pattern of behavior that needs to be worked through with a specialist. Very common in men.
- Neurosis that causes excessive anxiety about your partner or a desire to control him. This also includes pathological jealousy. In fact, this is a huge fear of losing a loved one, self-doubt. And where there is fear and no freedom of choice, true trust cannot arise.
- Codependent behavior, emotional dependence on a person, is a pathological condition in which people are psychologically, emotionally and even physically dependent on each other to such an extent that the actions of one codependent person directly affect the state of the second, and such people are often sure that this is a manifestation of trust . A very characteristic symptom of such unhealthy relationships is “emotional swing”, when, as a result of constant mutual “games” and manipulations, the person in the relationship is thrown into polar feelings: fear and euphoria, pain and pleasure, passion and hatred. By causing a hormonal storm, dependent relationships become a real drug, and it is extremely difficult to get out of them on your own.
- Inadequate self-esteem, social maladjustment, inability to establish healthy relationships at any level.
To prevent loss of trust, as well as strengthen existing relationships, it is recommended to talk openly about all problems, and not to avoid even difficult topics. It is necessary to always keep the promises made or inform in advance that plans are changing, keep the secrets of others from society and at the same time share your own. The important point is to accept your partner with all his shortcomings. This is an indicator that he can be anyone, which gives him a feeling of security and calm. At the same time, it is important to avoid excessive sacrifice and remember your interests and boundaries, communicate them in a timely manner (otherwise the conditional “scales” may tip the scales, and the relationship will no longer be equal). Relationships should be a resource, not a burden.
Lack of trust among partners.
I don't trust my boyfriend. The guy doesn't trust me either. I can't find the reason. Each of his questions in the style of “Where? With whom? Where were you? Why did you stay late? I perceive it as distrust and this pushes me into a scandal. But if you think about it, these are ordinary questions, he cares about me, is interested in what I do, who I communicate with. I take it as control. I myself always try to control it and ask the same questions on occasion. It's hard to learn how to trust a guy. I don’t understand where it came from.
What to do if you don't trust a guy.
Without trust, relationships are very limited and have no future.
Lack of trust in a partner is not always his fault for betrayal, lies, or lack of trust on his part. Lack of trust is a consequence of your bad experience, which has taught you to see deception everywhere, or to be alert, wary, to be prepared for the fact that you may be deceived or betrayed.
Your self-esteem also affects your trusting relationship with a guy. If you think that you are not worthy of being faithful, the obsessive thought will always haunt you. Your low self-esteem will interfere with establishing good, trusting relationships. Quarrels, scandals, tears, betrayals, rudeness, misunderstanding of a partner are the reasons for the lack of trusting relationships.
How to learn to trust a man
This chapter is from the book “The Art of Being a Wife and Muse”
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I very often hear how women become strong against their will. When there is a husband, but for some reason he doesn’t need anything, he doesn’t want anything, he can’t do anything. And so on. And then the woman puts on a super-cloak and becomes a super-woman. She carries children, home, work and husband with her and does not know how to trust a man.
But since the female body is not designed for such exhausting work, sooner or later she comes to a loss of strength, illness and hatred. The hatred, of course, is directed at the husband. Who did not fulfill his duty. And of course, no woman is capable of experiencing happiness in this position. This is already becoming a modern trend - men watching TV with beer and exhausted, strong women laden with their clothes. Why does this happen? There are many reasons for this phenomenon. In particular these include:
- A woman is not aware of her role in this world. Most often due to their own upbringing. You can read about this here
- A man also does not realize his role - and also as a result of his upbringing (And here we, women, can only help indirectly - by fulfilling our duty and inspiring our husband)
- A woman does not respect her husband - you can read here
- A woman is not completely faithful to her husband; she never chose him completely. This is written about here
- A woman criticizes her husband and takes away his energy - more about that here
- A woman does not fulfill her duties - I wrote about this here
- A woman doesn’t trust her husband – this is what this article is about.
- A woman does not inspire her husband - here
Since the only person we can change is ourselves, we will start everything with ourselves. And now I want to write about trust. This is a very important component of any relationship. But in the family it has the most important role.
If we were preparing to be wives from childhood, we would know about the peculiarities of the psyche of men. And then it would be clear that love for men is trust. Whereas we consider caring to be love.
It is important to stop giving each other what you would like to receive yourself. And it's also important to think about the other party's needs instead. This is the first step towards change. And this step is very important.
For a man, love is faith.
Behind every great man there is always a woman who believed in him. First it is the mother, then the wife. For Richard Branson, for example, it all started with his mother. And he writes a lot about this in his books. His mother always believed in him, and this gave him strength. Salvador Dali had a Gala. Mikhail Gorbachev's name is Raisa Maksimovna. For Pushkin, it all started with his nanny, Arina Rodionovna. And so on.
And the opposite is true - every man who did not become great, or became a tyrant, always has a woman who did not want to believe in him. Behind every alcoholic and drug addict there is often either a mother or a loved one who did not want to believe in him. Did any woman believe in Hitler, Stalin, Chikatilo?
You can imagine Life in the form of a skyscraper, in which, in addition to the upper floors, there is exactly the same deep multi-story basement. And when we enter the ground floor, we need to decide whether we are going up or down.
Everything would be very simple, you could stand still. But we are standing on an escalator that is moving down. And to stay on the ground floor, you need to go up.
You could say that the woman has a remote control for such an escalator. And with this remote control we can make it slow down, stop or even go up. But if we don’t show men, they have only one way left - down.
Our faith can give men the strength to run up that escalator and reach floor after floor. And this is the most important thing we can do for them.
If we start caring instead of believing, then the escalator begins to move down even faster. It seems to us that this is how we express our love. This is how we take care of our sons for a very long time, not allowing them to make mistakes. We ask my husband to go to the store and write a detailed list on 4 pages.
Men need our care too - cooked dinner, washed and ironed shirts. But if there is no faith behind this concern, it is useless.
How to learn to trust a man (your husband).
1. In order to change something, you must first fully accept what is. This is the most difficult stage, because you need to accept everything about your husband, including his income level, education, interests, living conditions (for example, lack of an apartment). This doesn't mean we don't want more. But we agree that it is. If you nag your husband for ten years because of living space, then the whole family will not be happy with any palace. And if we live in love in a communal apartment, then our own home is not far off. Rejection kills love and trust immediately, in one blow.
2. A person can only take on the responsibility that is given to him.
We can endlessly nag our husband, but if we don’t give him responsibility, he won’t be able to take it. Giving up responsibility is not easy. Not only do you need to transfer some responsibility, but you also need to stop monitoring its implementation.
I’ll give you my example - my husband has such a responsibility as going to the market to buy groceries. Previously, I was very worried about whether he would buy everything, whether there was enough, I wrote huge lists and was very indignant because he did not bring everything. And then he stopped doing it. The amount of my favorite fruits and vegetables in the house has decreased. Now I don’t write lists, I voice my wishes beyond the usual. And now he brings everything you need. And sometimes he even pampers me with something beyond what is necessary. He carefully selects the fruits, so they are never tasteless or rotten.
Only when I gave him responsibility for this did he take it.
3. There are several important points in transferring responsibility.
- It is important to give and relax without being attached to the result. That is, what he buys, we will eat. If he doesn’t buy carrots, I’ll come up with another dish. If I didn’t wash the dishes well, we’ll eat from what we have. If I think about the result, worry about it or find myself dissatisfied with it, it means that I have not fully given responsibility
- It is also important to praise and encourage. Everyone loves to receive positive feedback. We ourselves always wait for compliments and the word “thank you” from our husbands. Therefore, it is very important to be grateful for everything your husband does.
- You need to praise your husband for his actions. This is how male nature works - “You did a great job washing the dishes” is much better than “You are so caring.” And again, it’s immediately clear what needs to be done to be praised again.
- If you can’t relax - for example, dishes with a greasy coating irritate you, then you need to do it yourself. And it is your responsibility for the choice you make.
4. It is important to realize your benefit from this situation.
It is always there, but always unconscious. If it weren’t for her, the situation wouldn’t exist. For example, a strong woman may be very proud of her strength and endurance. In the same way, she can punish herself for some sins. Or maybe this is out of solidarity with my mother, for example, who lived alone all her life. There is always a benefit, and it is important to find it.
5. And when we understand this benefit, it is important to give it up.
Or replace it with something.
For example, start being proud not of your strength, but of your weakness. And it’s better not to be proud at all, but to be happy. Or to rewrite the script - if, for example, a woman’s strength is passed on from generation to generation.
6. The next step is to see the good in your husband.
To do this, I usually recommend writing a gratitude journal for your husband. And every day write down at least 10 points of his good qualities and actions. Because men become what we think of them. Whatever qualities we focus on, those are the qualities they exhibit. And this applies not only to men :)
7. Next, it is important to start serving him.
Service is when we unselfishly fulfill our duty to a person.
We fulfill his needs. The main thing here is to understand the difference between desires and needs. Tasty and healthy food is a need. And the first, second, third and compote for breakfast is already a desire. When we indulge every desire of another person, we only corrupt him. A child who is bought everything he wants will not appreciate those who do it for him, and will also not take care of what he receives. A man who doesn't know how to open a refrigerator will sooner or later find another woman.
And usually after all this there is a desire to believe him. And there are even opportunities too. Although this is a long way - in our society of strong Russian women, the huts burn and burn, the horses gallop and gallop...
And the man gets wings. They believe him, which means they love him. This means there is someone to do great things for!
♥️ Olga Valyaeva. Personal interview about the hidden
Torsunov O.G. How to restore trust in your husband
What is trust?i
Let's start with the basics and look at the concept of trust. This feeling has positive properties and means openness of feelings to the world and another person. A synonym for trust is confidence. A bonus is peace and tranquility, a feeling of quiet joy - something that people seek all their lives.
The opposite of trust is anxiety. It has a negative connotation. Characterized by a wary attitude towards the world and people, nervousness, and lack of joy in life.
If you ask any person what he would choose, then the answer is obvious - the choice will fall on trust, if he is not a masochist. But in reality it doesn't work out that way. Many people prefer closedness, anxiety and mistrust. This causes a person to suffer, to fall again and again, until he/she learns to trust and love.
Such a worldview does not mean that a person wishes harm to himself. Anxiety is more of an acquired quality than an innate one. Behind it lies a fear based on life experience: being betrayed, rejected, humiliated, and so on down the chain.
Fear does not appear without reason; perhaps a person really has behind him the experience of grief, betrayal and disappointment. Everyone got through this on good terms. But still, everyone understands that such a feeling brings suffering, because it is unnatural to human nature.
On this topic, I remember the dark humor when a girl was asked at a seminar on personal growth whether she trusts those around her? She replied: “Trust people? Yes, there was such a problem behind me...” Seriously, you can’t see enemies and potential traitors in everyone; a person must learn to trust someone, otherwise you can go crazy.
Seek advice
You may need professional help if you find it difficult to sort things out on your own. You both need to be committed to the process of change and not expect the therapist to “fix” the other person. He will help you identify the sources of problems and give recommendations on how to resolve them. This process can not only help you learn to understand each other again, but you will be able to separate past problems from your current ones.
1. Recognize problems and commit to solving them
The first step to rebuilding trust in your marriage is to admit that there are problems in your relationship. And if they are not resolved at the initial stage of their occurrence, this can lead to a loss of trust. If you are guilty of something, then instead of denying everything, you should take responsibility for your behavior. This means that, for example, if you cheated, then admit you were wrong and apologize. Never try to minimize the problem or your spouse's feelings about the situation.
Both of you will need to take certain steps to resolve your problems. Regardless of who is at fault, be sure to take steps to strengthen your marriage. For example, in the case of infidelity, you may need to instill greater appreciation for your partner and increase the time you spend together. Communicate that he/she is important to you and begin to become more attentive to each other's needs.
2. Create a safe emotional space
Cynthia Lyn Wall, in her book The Courage to Believe, explains that trust in marriage is the foundation of a relationship. Her book illustrates self-discovery exercises to help readers understand trust as a feeling, as a choice, and as a skill that can be learned. With this understanding, you can create a safe emotional space and be able to express your feelings without fear of ridicule or rejection. Trustworthiness can grow and flourish in an atmosphere where there is affirmation and give-and-take.
Learn to forgive
Not forgiveness is like a deadly poison for your union. Therefore, be sure to let go of bitterness and resentment. Yes, the pain of broken trust caused by issues like infidelity is great. But if you decide to move forward in your marriage relationship, you need to learn to forgive.
On the other hand, if you are the one who caused the pain, you may find that you need forgiveness for your critical and judgmental attitude. It also means forgiving yourself. Then you become more open to expressing compassion to your loved one.
