Cinderella syndrome: description, causes, features, treatment methods

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The good old fairy tale about an unhappy girl fulfilling all the whims of her evil stepmother is a very common plot in real life. At the end of the fairy tale, Cinderella got what she deserved when she met a handsome prince. But this is just a fairy tale, and there will be no happy ending in life until Cinderella herself takes control of the situation.

Cinderella syndrome is typical for both girls and men.

There are women who are a good housewife and wife, mother and conscientious worker, but she is unhappy because her career does not work out, her husband and colleagues do not respect her, the children do not obey, and the reason lies in uncertainty, as well as in a tendency to self-deprecation , self-criticism and “sick” perfectionism. This is the psychology of their behavior. They are helpful, cannot refuse requests, and those around them brazenly take advantage of this.

Cinderella syndrome - what is it?

What it is

Everyone is familiar with the story of a poor girl named Cinderella, who is humiliated by her stepmother and her stepsisters. They make the poor girl do all the hard work around the house. But Cinderella is helped by the fairy godmother, and at the ball she finds her prince. And they lived happily ever after, and the poor girl became a princess. But this is a fairy tale, and in life everything happens a little differently.

In psychology, Cinderella syndrome is the desire to please everyone, dependability, an increased sense of responsibility, and perfectionism. Such a woman is immediately visible. As a rule, they are wonderful housewives, smart and modest. But despite all their ideality and exemplary behavior, neither their husband nor their colleagues respect them, and their children do not listen to them. Add to this the desire to please everyone and increased perfectionism and self-criticism. And, of course, those around you brazenly take advantage of this.

Women with Cinderella syndrome believe that they need to be content with little. They don't ask for anything and are always ready to help, even to the detriment of their own interests. Of course, the woman gets tired of this attitude and therefore turns to a psychologist for advice.

Distinctive character traits

What character traits are characteristic of women with Cinderella syndrome?

1. She constantly daydreams, is absent-minded and does not pay attention to important matters.
2. Low self-esteem.
3. The desire to earn respect through submission.
4. Reluctance and inability to prove your point of view.
5. Complexity.
6. Inability to relax and enjoy life.
7. Excessive emotional attachment to loved ones, overprotection.
8. Passion for reading novels and watching TV series.
9. Idealization of a partner.

Women with Cinderella syndrome dream of a fairytale life and meeting a handsome prince. Therefore, they often prefer to live in illusions rather than change something and engage in self-improvement. After all, to make dreams come true, you need to act, and women with Cinderella syndrome prefer to dream.

Reasons for appearance

The causes of Cinderella syndrome must be sought in childhood. Such women grow up in a family in which high demands are placed on the girl. She is burdened with household chores and enrolled in various clubs. As a result, the girl has no free time left. Also, parents are strict in terms of studies.

Of course, it’s wonderful when a child does useful things, but he should also have time for rest and play. The girl begins to believe that she is loved for what she does, and not just for what she is. She does not hear praise, but only demands. But it is very important to praise the child so that he feels that he is loved.

The girl begins to consider it normal that high demands are placed on her; she does not expect praise, because she considers herself unworthy until she does everything perfectly. Under pressure from parents and teachers, the girl develops low self-esteem. She becomes uncommunicative and tries to focus all her energy on doing household chores perfectly. This is precisely the mechanism by which Cinderella syndrome appears in psychology.

There is another option that is not associated with excessive requirements. Cinderella syndrome has another meaning: when provincial girls strive to go to the big city to meet the prince and live a luxurious life. But, as a rule, to achieve this you need not only to get married successfully, but also to engage in self-development.

Pinocchio syndrome

This syndrome is also called gelotophobia - it is a kind of “woodiness”, stiffness in the movements of a person who is very afraid that they will laugh at him. You won’t find it in the classifier, but there is another definition - narcissistic disorder.

"Pinnochio". Cartoon frame

I would also note the fact that Pinocchio is a character who the entire book revolves around one problem: is he a real boy or not. How can he get the answer to this question? Only some significant person can give it, he cannot do it himself, i.e. in this case we are talking about orientation towards external assessment. A person cannot feel good and worthy until someone important recognizes this. With narcissistic personality disorder, you are completely dependent on the evaluation of others. There are girls who say: “I know that a short skirt doesn’t suit me, I have crooked legs, but it’s hot now, and I’ll wear it, I don’t care what they think of me.” A girl with narcissistic disorder will never do this; she is afraid of the negative assessment of others and her own condemnation.

Article on the topic

Narcissist: What to do if your partner is a “narcissistic peacock”?

It often seems to us that a narcissist is a person who admires himself and gets high on himself, but in fact this is far from the case! This person is in a prison of his own and other people’s assessments, he always depends on them, and the most unpleasant thing is that he will be praised, even if every day they say that he is good, he will not worry less.

What to do? With such a syndrome, you need to go to psychotherapy; there is no need to treat it with medication, but you won’t be able to get rid of it on your own.

Phobias

The cause of Cinderella syndrome is often fears, and not just the excessive demands of others.

1. Fear of success - a woman is not confident that she can solve problems on her own, so she chooses the behavior of an uncomplaining lady.
2. Fear of loneliness - some women are so afraid of being alone that they are ready to live with anyone, even if he does not at all correspond to their ideas about the ideal.

Some people like this model of behavior, because such women are often pitied. Therefore, they do not seek to change anything. But if you want to be admired, then you should seek advice from a specialist.

Critical moments

The first impetus for the formation of Cinderella syndrome begins in childhood.
Cinderella syndrome does not develop out of the blue; it is preceded by a number of factors. The task of parents is to pay attention to them in time and begin to solve the problem before it develops into a serious complex.

The path to the formation of this state is represented by four stages. The first three are easily reversible if detected early. As for the fourth, a more radical approach and observation by a psychologist is needed.

1. The first stage is the emergence of a provocative factor, which will become the root cause of the formation of the complex. And you should not think that such a situation can only affect a child from an unfavorable family. This is wrong.
2. The second stage is when changes in worldview begin to form, taking root in the girl’s consciousness. It is very important here that parents notice deviations from the usual behavior of the baby and are able to identify their cause.
3. The third stage is characterized by the development of the syndrome itself. If mom and dad notice psychological changes in their daughter in time and immediately turn to a psychologist for help, then the process will be stopped before it can cause much harm to the child’s psyche.
4. The fourth stage - the girl already has a complex, the obvious consequences of this condition appear. It is important to know what signs characterize the syndrome in order to be able to identify them and seek qualified help. After all, the wrong model of behavior will have a negative impact on the child in the future.

Classification

Cinderella syndrome will manifest itself in different ways because each person is different. But psychologists have been able to classify and identify several of its varieties.

1. Naive girl. They see the world in rosy tones. They see any wealthy person as their prince, even if others give reasonable arguments to the contrary. Because they see their surroundings in rainbow colors.
2. A carefree person - such a lady does not set goals for herself and does not think about the future. She does not seek to solve her problems, because she is waiting for someone who will do it for her. A dragonfly woman would rather just let things take their course than try to solve problems herself. She doesn’t have her own opinion, so she’s still waiting for a strong and smart prince to appear.
3. A woman with high demands. This is a rare breed of Cinderella woman because they tend to have low self-esteem. But even such women can dream of an ideal prince.
4. Infantile woman. Such persons look at the world with wide eyes and childlike curiosity. They live in their childhood fantasies and are convinced that the handsome prince is not a fairy tale at all. Therefore, they are ready to endure everything because they cannot stand up for themselves.

Having determined the type, the psychologist can draw up a work plan and decide how to rid the client of the complex and Cinderella syndrome. It is important for a woman or man to understand that when they begin to value themselves, then those around them will begin to treat them the same.

Definition of a complex

An unlucky girl who fulfills all the whims of her evil stepmother is not only a fairy-tale plot. It occurs in our lives. At the end of the fairy tale, Cinderella met a charming prince. But this is only a wonderful fairy tale; in real life, there may not be a favorable outcome until the girl takes the initiative.

There are women who are excellent housewives and exemplary wives, loving and attentive mothers, executive employees, but they are unhappy because there is no promotion, spouses and colleagues are disrespectful, children do not obey - all this is the result of indecision and complexes, as well as predisposition to self-flagellation and critical attitude towards oneself. This is a psychological model of their behavior that leads to Cinderella syndrome. Such women are unable to answer “no” to a request, which is why they suffer.

What awaits Cinderella?

Most of these “heroines” believe that everything will work out for them, just like in a fairy tale. But it turns out completely differently. So what awaits Cinderella if she does nothing?

1. Search for the prince. If such a heroine was unable to quickly find a husband, then she begins a real hunt for a handsome prince. Such a lady will try to please everyone, not paying attention to the qualities of her chosen one.
2. A lady can wait quite a long time for her ideal chosen one, not paying attention to unsuitable (in her opinion) suitors. Therefore, such a Cinderella can be left alone with dreams of a prince.
3. Those around her, knowing about her dependability, will constantly ask the woman to help them. And she will fulfill their requests even to the detriment of her own interests. Such a woman does nothing for herself, she tries to please others.
4. Thanks to her tendency to idealize everything, Cinderella chooses a completely imperfect prince as her husband. But this doesn’t bother her, because for her he is the best.
5. Cinderella women strive to do everything perfectly, they have the so-called excellent student complex, so finding a man worthy of her is not so easy. Therefore, such a woman spends all her energy on building a successful career. But at the same time, she will only consider the ideal Prince as her companion.

As you can see, the life of Cinderellas is not like a fairy tale, so they need to change their behavior pattern.

Psychology of princes ↑

The Cinderella complex in psychology is not only living in constant dreams, but also the inability to understand people.

That is why, having dreamed about the Prince for so long, Cinderella, naive and lacking life experience, falls in love with a man who is far from ideal. It’s not at all necessary that he will be bad, it’s just that fairy-tale characters don’t exist in life.

In addition, boundless love, self-sacrifice and exorbitant tenderness will begin to choke even the most loving man. As a result, he either leaves or continues to live with the woman, but his attention turns to other interests.

Neglect for “Cinderella” is a heavy blow. To avoid it, she:

• for many years trying to maintain a relationship, desperately struggling with reality;
• lives with dreams and memories, gradually sinking into depression;
• and as a development option - life with the dream of meeting a new prince, who this time turns out to be real.

But only modern “princes” - famous, rich and successful men do not look for modest and unattractive women who do not have their own opinions.

Even if “at the ball” a girl manages to attract the attention of such a young man, he will need to be retained in the future. This is precisely what an infantile Cinderella is unlikely to achieve.

Tips for dealing with the complex

How to get rid of Cinderella syndrome? Of course, the work will make sense when the woman herself understands that something needs to be changed in her behavior pattern in order for her life to change for the better. This understanding is very important - because only then will she be able to accept help from friends or a psychologist.

1. Conversations with a friend. Cinderella needs to choose the one she considers ideal among all her friends and talk to her. Better yet, with everyone, and then she will be surprised to learn that each of them does not consider her life ideal, but strives to improve it. And, perhaps, Cinderella will understand that she should not waste her time searching for the ideal, but rather engage in, for example, self-improvement.
2. Many Cinderellas forget that the prince liked the heroine not because she was helpful and submissive. He was attracted to her by her mystery, which made her stand out from the crowd of other girls. Therefore, a woman needs to change the role of an uncomplaining Cinderella to a mysterious lady.
3. Become financially independent. It won't be easy for Cinderella to start a career right away, but she can try doing handicrafts and selling her creations. Men are attracted not only by beauty, but also by a woman’s desire to be successful. The success of his beloved can motivate a man, and he will also begin to improve himself in order to be worthy of his woman.
4. Cinderella must learn to say no. She must clearly distinguish between requests that must be fulfilled and those that can and should be ignored. No one is obliged to do anything to the detriment of their interests.

It will not be easy for Cinderella to immediately change her behavior pattern, so you need to start with small steps. Therefore, it is better if a woman seeks advice from a psychologist who will help her become better.

Signs of the syndrome

Excessive romanticism and daydreaming is one of the possible Cinderella syndromes

The fact that you or your friends or relatives have a Cinderella complex may be indicated by the presence of a number of characteristics.

1. Life with rose-colored glasses. Such a woman does not understand at all the reality of what is happening in her environment.
2. Such girls are too naive and gullible. They are waiting for their prince, which leads to the fact that they are still lonely when they are quite old.
3. Low self-esteem.
4. Equanimity. There is no ability to resist other people's opinions, pliability.
5. Excessive romance.
6. Failure to refuse a request.
7. Victim behavior. If such a girl finds a partner, and he turns out to be a despot, uses violence, insults her, she endures everything, because she believes that she does not deserve more.
8. The desire to see the best person next to you, inflated demands on your partner, which often ends in loneliness.
9. Altruism. A woman lives for the benefit of others. She forgets about her desires, values, and does everything to make those around her happy. Such a girl is easily used for personal gain.

Advice from psychologists

A woman cannot always cope with this complex on her own. How to get rid of Cinderella syndrome in psychology?

1. It is necessary to increase self-esteem. Cinderellas are perfectionists who fix their attention on failures, for some reason not focusing on successes. You need to take a sheet of paper and list the advantages and disadvantages - this way the woman will be able to evaluate herself more objectively. She also needs to praise herself even for small achievements. When Cinderella learns to calmly accept praise from herself, then she will accept praise from others in the same way.
2. Cinderella must set aside a few hours a day for herself and do what she wants.
3. She should pamper herself. Buying an expensive thing and at the same time telling yourself that it deserves it. Or buy what she wants. You don't need to do this all the time, but sometimes you need to.

Various meditations and auto-trainings will also be useful. There are also books devoted to this issue. In them, a woman can find useful advice on how to change her behavior pattern and attitude towards others.

Treatment methods

It is possible and necessary to get rid of the good girl complex, otherwise you can remain a worker bee for the rest of your life with low wages and endure the neglect of your spouse, children, and reprimands from your superiors, hoping for a reward based on your merits, which you cannot easily get.

The first step to correction is awareness and acceptance of the problem.

It takes hard and long work, but it will teach you to respect and love yourself:

Awareness of the problem

You need to learn the word “no”. If a woman with Cinderella syndrome is asked for something, then it is more like a demand, because the person knows in advance that she will not refuse the request and will not demand anything in return. But you don’t have to agree and run to fulfill the request. If the request is unpleasant or you don't have time to do it, you can decline it without coming up with a string of excuses. Every person has the right to simply refuse.

Increase self-esteem

Cinderellas, as you know, always have low self-esteem. They are perfectionists who focus on failures but ignore successes. To increase self-esteem, you can take a sheet of paper and write down your shortcomings and advantages, of which there will be more. You can also celebrate your successes during the day and simply praise yourself for it. Praise from others should also be taken for granted, and not blush and scatter in compliments. They praised it, which means it was deserved.

A visit to a psychologist, special meditation techniques, and auto-training will help you cope with low self-esteem.

Spend time on yourself

Every day at least a couple of hours should be devoted to personal interests and desires. You can go to a beauty salon, join a gym, take up your hobby, or just read a book. And let everyone know that you cannot be disturbed over trifles in your personal time.

Little gifts for yourself

Pamper yourself

1. Sometimes you can treat yourself to a new beautiful thing, go to a restaurant. It's important to think that you deserve the best.
2. You don't have to be a "good girl" to everyone. It is simply impossible to be good to everyone. Otherwise, those around you, seeing such behavior, “sit on your neck.”
3. It is not necessary to tolerate people's unpleasant behavior or attitude. Everyone has every right to respond to rudeness with rudeness, to become angry or offended.

To realize your dream, you just need to love and respect yourself, understanding that you deserve the best, then everything will work out.

Briefly about the book

Anna Shekhova’s popular book “Cinderella Syndrome. How to get rid of the good girl complex." It belongs to the genre of popular psychology, therefore it is intended for a wide range of readers. In it, the author gives practical advice on how a woman can cope with the excellent student complex. Moreover, this is not just a description, but supplemented with examples.

In reviews of “Cinderella Syndrome. How to get rid of the good girl complex,” readers note that the author has a pleasant style to read. The book explains everything in clear language, and readers love that the book gives advice that can be put into practice. Therefore, insecure, trouble-free women should purchase “Cinderella Syndrome. How to get rid of the good girl complex."

About the manga

This topic is addressed not only in popular science literature. There is a manga called Cinderella Syndrome. It's more of a joke, but it should be noted that it has the right message. Often women idealize a man too much, and when they get to know him better, they become disappointed.

Therefore, before giving a man the proud title of prince, it is worth understanding whether he is your prince. If yes, then you should be determined and build a relationship. But, most importantly, there is no need to make the search for a prince the meaning of life, because for each girl he is unique, which suits exactly one princess.

Was there happiness? ↑

Most modern psychologists agree that if there had been a continuation of Perrault’s famous fairy tale, then in it the Prince would hardly have found happiness with his chosen one. After all, he would no longer have discovered that intrigue, that shockingness in his Cinderella.

In everyday life, she is a modest girl who does not know how to defend her own opinion, who, without the help of her Godmother, is not even able to transform herself.

It's one thing to attract a man and quite another to keep him. Besides, even the most loving Godmother cannot be there all the time.