How to save a family on the verge of divorce - advice from a psychologist and ordinary people

Reasons for divorce

All married couples are completely different, with their own traditions and stories. If a marriage is falling apart at the seams, this trouble can be caused by various reasons. A psychologist will tell you what to do to prevent family breakdown. Experts analyzed the prerequisites leading to the end of a marriage. In their opinion, the main reasons for divorce are:

Treason. It can break even the strongest relationships, destroy even the strongest love. In former times, women were convinced that men were polygamous, that they were hunters by nature, they needed a new object of passion for self-affirmation, that there was no man who would not go to the left at least once. But for a modern woman, even the slightest affair with her chosen one is a reason to end all relationships with him, even if you have lived together for many years. The situation may worsen if the partner becomes infected with a sexually transmitted disease or HIV infection.
Alcohol and drug addiction. Few spouses are willing to put up with the addictions of their loved one for a long time. In addition to these two addictions, two more have been added in our time - computer and gaming (gambling).
No children. If a husband or wife does not want or due to health reasons cannot leave offspring, separation can be predicted for this couple. Even if one of the spouses is infertile, it is not the disease itself that leads to divorce, but a categorical reluctance to correct the situation, for example, through adoption.
Partners are incompatible. This doesn't just apply to characters. Any disagreements can lead to a breakup, for example, if spouses have different national, religious, political beliefs, or they have different views on the process of raising children.
Material problems. Especially if one of the spouses refuses to look for work. Interesting fact: a couple of decades ago, women feared that they might be left alone, without the financial support of their husband, with a child. Modern ladies have adapted socially; they have no need to hold on to a boring marriage. Women often make successful careers and solve problems themselves. Becoming a nanny for an adult man is not part of their plans.
Inability of spouses to cope with difficulties. This often occurs in young families. A young husband and wife find themselves unprepared for everyday difficulties, especially if the reason for marriage was the bride’s pregnancy. A child is born and caring for him leads to a breakup. Another reason for divorce after the birth of a baby is the situation when the new mother devotes all her time to the child, and the husband has not gotten used to the new role and does not perceive himself as a father.
Intervention by third parties. Relatives and friends, imposing their opinions on how to live on the family, with their advice destroy the harmony within the marriage, thereby forcing the spouses to separate.
Couples who have been married for decades face another problem: grown children leave the house, and a void is created. If the spouses stayed married only for the sake of the children, after they began to live independently, the need to preserve the family disappears.
Illness or disability of a husband or wife can also lead to divorce if the healthy spouse does not find the strength and courage to cope with the difficulties that have arisen.
The use of physical or mental violence also leads to divorce.
Intimate problems. If one or both spouses are dissatisfied with intimate relationships in marriage, this will inevitably lead to the breakdown of the family.

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Why do people get divorced?

Any psychologist will tell you that ideal family relationships cannot exist a priori. Two people who spend a lot of time together cannot avoid quarrels, insults or disputes, even if they love each other. Sometimes crises happen, and it is necessary to understand how to save the family from divorce in such cases.

It is more important not to save your marriage, but to prevent the events that precede separation. To understand how to avoid divorce, you need to understand why it is approaching.

According to statistics, couples in Russia break up most often for the following reasons:

Alcoholism. Many people suffer from a passion for alcoholic beverages, but not everyone is ready to tolerate their partner’s alcoholism. Often spouses separate immediately after the first relapse of the disease, without trying to change the situation.
Poverty. Family relationships require large investments, the need for which is increasing. This is connected with the housing issue, the birth of a child, and the possibilities of the family. Preventing problems is difficult. Due to lack of finances, wives most often leave the family.
Treason. Infidelity between spouses can be associated with many troubles in family life: scandals, lack of attention and intimacy. If one spouse has left for another person, then it is not worth maintaining such a relationship; dissuading him from getting a divorce after such a betrayal is not the best way out of the situation.

If the cause of the conflict is everyday life, then couples usually endure such troubles, after quarrels they prefer to make peace and family relationships continue. But such spouses are looking for a reason to leave, so it is important to understand what to do and how to save the family from divorce if one of the couple has been thinking about it for a long time. Relationships can be affected by relatives, problems with having children, illness (of spouses, children). And in such cases, many do not understand how to save a marriage and make peace, because they do not see a solution to these problems.

Often, after having children, the passion fades. Financial problems, fatigue and lack of sleep begin. Because of this, some may want to run away immediately after having children. It is possible to survive such a crisis, relationships can be restored. The main thing is to understand that after the birth of a child you are considered a full-fledged family, and all troubles can be corrected.

Not all spouses need to be given a second chance—in many cases, divorce is inevitable. But if a husband loves his wife, and she loves him, then the relationship needs to be preserved. Feelings cannot be allowed to suffer because of minor troubles, and if they exist, then both in the couple will have a desire to improve.

After the birth of a child, a lot changes in the family, and a crisis may occur. Not all spouses experience it; many give up. Preserving the relationship is necessary for the child: after his parents divorce, his life will not change for the better. At the same time, it should not be the only reason why spouses are together. Many people say: “I don’t want to divorce my wife because of the children, otherwise I would have left long ago.”

Such relationships can, over time, lead to unhappiness, aggression, and even domestic violence. And for a child, such a family will be a worse option than divorced parents.

Is it worth fighting?

How to understand whether it makes sense to save a marriage or not? As soon as a conflict arises with your significant other, you should not rush and threaten that you will file for divorce. The first step is to free yourself from violent emotions. They do not allow us to objectively assess the situation at the moment.

You can try to re-experience all the most joyful moments with your partner, for example, remember the beginning of your acquaintance, all the feelings that you experienced at that time. View photos from joint events, vacations, travel.

The surging warmth will allow your thoughts to be organized and set you in a positive mood. Think about why you no longer experience the warm feelings you once had, whether there is a need to break the connection because of one conflict.

But if your conclusion is disappointing, you admitted to yourself that you are keeping your family together out of fear of starting life over again, or you simply cannot justify why you are still with this particular person, most likely you will have to make a decision about divorce.

Restoring relationships

If you want to avoid divorce and maintain a family with your husband, you should follow the rules:

Give the man time to think things over in peace and quiet. When a husband is silent, it doesn't mean he doesn't care. He just needs time to understand the situation and decide what to do next.
Don't reproach your loved one. If you throw reproaches, you will provoke aggression on his part towards you.
Don't bring up the past, leave it alone. If you remember negative events in which your spouse participated, this will only increase your conflict. Because of this behavior, the husband would rather withdraw into himself than want to communicate with you.

How to restore warm family relationships?

To restore a relationship, you will need to make every possible effort, even try something new, learn something.

Become wise, tactful, restrained, patient. Arm yourself with a smile, a good mood, an attractive appearance, and charm.

Show originality in everything related to the family. Let your husband again see in you the girl he once wanted to call his wife.

Why is your husband always unhappy and criticizing you? What to do about it?

Don't criticize or insult your partner

When we feel that we cannot reach our partner and influence his decision, we often begin to say harsh, provocative words just to prolong the argument and keep his attention. But this will only exacerbate an already tense situation. Remind yourself that you cannot control your partner's behavior and try to come to terms with this.

Take a deep breath. Before you speak, think about what you want to express. Then the desire to say something offensive and humiliating will weaken.

Advice from a psychologist on what a woman should do if family relationships are at an impasse

Only in fairy tales do people live happily ever after a wedding, dying one day with a smile as very old men. In reality, married couples face many challenges. Some learn to overcome them together and continue to go through life hand in hand, others lose strength and break off relationships. How to save a marriage if you are on the verge of divorce, psychologists recommend:

Calm down, stop hysterics, get yourself in order, catch a positive wave.
Start a dialogue with your partner. Of course, this is difficult to do, especially if eloquence is not your element and you have not had frank conversations before. But you need to sit down on the sofa together and just talk. Now you need to understand how to build your life further, what each of you expects from marriage. Let the chosen one speak, do not interrupt, even if you want to add or object to something. There is no point in making claims. Your task is not to quarrel completely, but to find out what your spouse really wants.
If it’s difficult for you to say out loud everything you want, write your partner a letter where you explain your thoughts in detail. Try to convince him to respond to you in writing as well.
Read your husband's list and give him yours. If his letter upsets, angers, or disappoints you, try to accept the man’s opinion with respect and dignity.
Decide together what you will do next, and do not deviate from the plan.

If your husband has fallen out of love

Women have learned not to notice some male shortcomings. For example, they don’t pay much attention if the husband throws his socks around or doesn’t cover his toothpaste. But when it comes to intimate relationships, ladies are picky.

If a man shows coldness, you need to take decisive action. The first step is to start with yourself. Sit down and remember the days when love and passion reigned in your relationship.

Think about what has changed recently and start solving the problem.

To save relationships on the verge of breaking up, psychologists advise women:

greet your husband with a sincere smile, enjoy every little thing;
ask your spouse how he spent the day, but do it unobtrusively, and not in the form of interrogation;
thank you for any attention or help;
ask for help in something so that he feels needed;
take care of your appearance, even if you go out to the store for five minutes; try at home, for your husband, to always be on top;
give your husband a break from you and the children;
engage in common business;
involve your spouse in matters related to children, for example, asking for help with a costume for a matinee;
surprise him, do something unusual for you. For example, if before, after an insult, you allowed yourself to cry quietly into your pillow, then throw a scandal, break dishes, scream. If you are indifferent to hockey, then buy beer, chips and keep your faithful company.

Saving a marriage requires the mobilization of all forces, all the best qualities. But remember that you need to work on relationships constantly, throughout your life.

If your husband cheated

The news of a loved one's betrayal leads to a state of shock, misunderstanding, anger, and resentment. It seems that the world around is collapsing. The question is tormenting me: how to live on, whether or not to forgive betrayal, what to say to children... It is necessary to stop negative thoughts, drink cold water, wash your face and think rationally.

Psychologists advise women:

The most important thing is that if the man stayed with you, it means that the betrayal was purely physical, without affection or falling in love. Your husband is not going to leave you, otherwise he would have left for his rival long ago. All you have to do is understand how to accept the fact of betrayal and what to do next.
Think about it, because your husband’s mistress is not a reason to break up with you. He values his reputation, his children, his everyday life, and, of course, you.
Ask yourself the question: can you forgive your spouse and move on with your life?
If you are ready to forgive, turn off your phone. Do not inform your mother or friends about what happened. Yes, their support would be important for you, but in the future, knowledge of this information by third parties could negatively affect your relationship with your husband. You will be periodically, even accidentally, reminded of the infidelity of the man you love.
Under no circumstances tell your children or quarrel with your husband in public. Solve the problem only together with your husband.
Be sure to let your partner know that you are hurt by his betrayal. You shouldn’t reproach him every day and throw tantrums. It is enough to show emotions once, but brightly and sincerely, for the unfaithful spouse to realize how acutely you feel about his betrayal.
If you find it difficult to decide to talk to your husband directly, you are afraid of missing an important moment, express your thoughts in writing and give the letter to your husband.

Advice from a psychologist on whether to forgive your husband for cheating. Is it necessary to take revenge?

Is it worth saving your family after cheating?

A marriage that is on the verge of divorce due to infidelity by one of the spouses can be saved when there is a sincere desire to continue living together, as well as full awareness and admission of the mistake to the partner.

If your wife wants a divorce, you should not rush or put pressure on her. It is important for a woman who has been betrayed to accept and let go of the past so that negative memories do not subsequently poison the future.

READ How to survive a divorce from a loved one: advice from a psychologist

It is much more difficult for a man to forgive betrayal, since the very fact of infidelity is a painful blow to his pride. In this case, the wife needs to make every effort to restore the relationship, using three components: wisdom, patience, restraint.

If a wife insists on divorce: what should a man do?

If you want to save your marriage, both spouses need to make an effort. A man is capable of anything, including restoring his family. If you don’t know how to convince your wife not to destroy the family, listen to the advice of an experienced psychologist:

Try not just to listen to your spouse, but also to hear what she wants to tell you, even if her words seem unimportant to you.
Show tenderness more often, talk about your love, be affectionate with your wife.
Ask your spouse to write down on a piece of paper what she considers your shortcomings. Read it carefully and try to improve. If you can’t overcome something in yourself, a woman will still appreciate your efforts.
Help her with household chores, especially if your spouse is also busy at work.
Please your loved one with flowers and gifts not only on holidays, but also just like that.
Try to go out together as often as possible. This doesn’t have to be a trip to hot countries, it’s enough to invite your loved one for a walk in the park, go out into nature, or just go to the grocery store together.
Take time to talk with your wife, be interested in her affairs, do not interrupt or sigh, even if she begins to retell what she was chatting about on the phone with her friend today.
Remember how you attracted your chosen one. Perhaps you played the guitar better than anyone else in the group, wrote poetry, were able to make sparkling jokes, and in the last years of your life together you prefer to spend time on the couch? Become the old guy for your wife, when she looked at him her eyes lit up.
Don’t avoid regular marital duties, experiment in bed, offer your partner something new, surprise her, let her feel that she is still the most desirable woman for you.

You only say mean things to each other

Popular wisdom says: if you cannot say anything good to each other, it is better to remain silent at all. For some reason, all your communication with your spouse comes down to an exchange of barbs, and irritating remarks pour in like a cornucopia. It seems that you no longer care what he is wearing or what food he ordered at the restaurant, but it is still important for you to criticize his choice. With this style of communication, it is foolish to expect that your partner will feel at least some kind of support from you. Psychologists say that this behavior is the result of poor communication, where you both are unable to share your feelings with each other or admit your mistakes.

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