How to forgive your husband’s betrayal and move on

Modern marriage is like a powder keg, since people who enter into a family union and take an oath of fidelity can easily break it. The reasons for such actions may vary depending on each specific couple, but there are general methods that can be used to restore relationships or simplify the recovery period after betrayal. Next, we will talk about how to survive your husband’s betrayal, and the advice of psychologists will help you not to mess things up in saving your own marriage.

To forgive or not to forgive

Forgiving betrayal is not an easy step. Accepting and understanding the action will help you heal from trauma, understand yourself, and restore self-esteem. It is important not to confuse forgiveness with a desperate desire to save a dying relationship.

The best option is to break up, but without anger or resentment towards your ex.

These feelings poison life, interfere with the formation of new relationships, and constantly remind you of the fact of betrayal, so you need to get rid of them.

More than 9,000 people have gotten rid of their psychological problems using this technique.

Tips to help you forgive and survive betrayal:

Accept betrayal as a fait accompli. To sincerely forgive your partner, you need to stop looking for excuses and hope that the relationship will incredibly return to its previous course. Instead, a person should come to terms with the act and understand whether he is ready for forgiveness.
Don't hide your feelings. A frank conversation with the offender will help not only to understand the reasons for what happened, but also to ease the pain and gain emotional release. After hearing the traitor's version of events, a person will more easily understand the motives of his actions.
Refuse to play the victim. Cheating is a serious offense that cannot be justified, but two people are responsible for any discord in a relationship. To forgive a partner, a person needs to analyze his own actions, admit his part of the guilt (but without self-flagellation and removing responsibility from the traitor).
Move away. Distance yourself from the traitor, stop thinking about him, emotionally invest in other people - children, parents, friends, a new passion. Then the pain from betrayal will subside, attachment to the “criminal” will disappear, and it will become easier to forgive him.

Forgiveness should not be forced - it must come from the soul. If a person does not want or cannot stop blaming his partner for this act, he should also come to terms with this.

More than 9,000 people have gotten rid of their psychological problems using this technique.

The easiest way is to forgive your own betrayal.
© Kristina Kofta

The ideal wife through the eyes of her husband

Psychologists advise, if you do not strictly follow the standard of behavior below, then at least take into account some of the recommendations.

There are no ideal people, a strong marriage is built on relationships when each other's shortcomings become endearing features.

If they are annoying, then, unfortunately, there is no need to talk about love between spouses. So, what makes a husband feel calm, happy, satisfied with his “other half”?

She studies her own and his characteristics in sexual relationships, tries to develop them, learns to “listen” to the body of her loved one, learns something new, and shares it with her husband. A rich, varied intimate life is one of the foundations of happy family relationships.
She is keenly interested in her husband's hobbies and strives to acquire more knowledge in this area. If these activities find a lively response in her soul, she shares new information with a loved one. When her husband’s hobbies and activities do not bring her joy, she looks for ways to spend her leisure time where they can take part together. He does what he likes and is sincerely happy when his wife shares these interests.
She doesn't forget about her appearance. The image of “aunt in a greasy robe, curlers, worn-out slippers” is not about her. He watches his weight, chooses clothes with taste, and takes care of his hairstyle. At the same time, he doesn’t bother you with questions about whether he likes or not what she looks like.
She is the keeper of the home. Thanks to her efforts, the home is cozy, clean and bright. Household responsibilities are correctly distributed among family members. The family spends evenings and weekends in casual conversations together. Outdoor recreation, trips to the cinema, entertainment at attractions - events are planned in the family circle.
She recognizes and admires her husband’s abilities, talents, and achievements. The psychologist’s advice always contains this recommendation, since the man strives to become the head of the family and the breadwinner who provides for the needs of his beloved wife and children. Without this sense of self-worth and need, he will feel unhappy. Moreover, recognition of the merits of a loved one must be sincere. The spouse can easily unravel falsehood and flattery. When a woman is truly proud that she has connected her life with this particular man, he becomes not a taker, but a giver.

Break up or fight for the relationship

Staying in a relationship after cheating is a risky move. Even if partners manage to reconcile and forgive each other, regaining the trust necessary for a functional union is a difficult task. A person who remains with a traitor risks his peace of mind and health - it will be difficult for him not to suspect his spouse of a new affair.

If you don’t want to give up and are ready to really, and not in words, fight for your full and happy life, you may be interested in this article .

The following circumstances play a major role in maintaining relationships:

The original intentions of the traitor. Casual sex under the influence of alcohol and long-term, planned deception, including a double life with a lover or mistress, should be perceived differently. In the first case, the culprit often regrets, repents of what happened, and wants to turn back time. In the second, the traitor makes it clear that he is using his partner.
Previous situation in the relationship. Cheating does not occur out of nowhere - it is the result of quarrels, separations, sexual and emotional dissatisfaction, and lack of emotions in a relationship. Understanding the motives for betrayal and their objective assessment will help you find out whether the offense was a one-time mistake or a planned betrayal.
Partner's emotions. You need to understand whether the traitor wants to save the family (repents of infidelity, wants to atone for guilt), whether the husband is trying to help his wife survive the betrayal (or vice versa). If the culprit takes the fact of betrayal lightly and makes no effort to earn forgiveness, it is not worth fighting for the relationship.
Family Children. Sometimes a husband and wife continue an unhappy marriage in order to raise a child in a healthy environment, wanting to spare him the stress of divorce. Whether to do so is a controversial issue. A conflict-ridden, dysfunctional family, parents dissatisfied with their marriage are sometimes worse for a child’s psyche than growing up with a single father or mother.

When making a decision, you need to calm down. This takes time - before sorting things out and making a final verdict, you should come to your senses and look at the situation objectively. It is advisable for the victim to temporarily put aside negative (resentment, anger, embarrassment) and positive (attachment, past happy memories) feelings, and then impartially evaluate the partner’s actions.

It is not recommended to seek advice from friends, relatives, or mother. They can console, reassure, give support, support, but their perception of the situation is distorted by sympathy for the victim. If a person needs advice, it is worth making an appointment with a family psychologist.

Cheating is an extreme manifestation of disrespect, after which the relationship cannot remain the same.

The act can be understood, forgiven, justified, but maintaining the union is a desperate step that can harm the well-being and psychological health of the couple. Consequences of continuing a relationship with an unfaithful person:

developing the habit of controlling a partner and keeping an eye on him, annoying him at the slightest provocation;
constant stress due to the likelihood of new betrayal;
decreased self-esteem, loss of self-respect;
strengthening emotional and psychological dependence on the traitor;
loss of opportunity to form healthy connections;
developing beliefs that cheating is normal, becoming accustomed to cruel, disrespectful behavior;
constant temptations to take out a grudge, to take revenge (including to change in response);
living next to a person who constantly reminds you of the trauma you suffered.

Because of this, psychologists do not recommend restoring the union after betrayal. Even if the victim retains love and affection for the traitor, the fact of his action indicates a lack of mutual feelings.

According to statistics, the reason for 90-95% of cheating is not sexual desire, but the inability to satisfy emotional needs with the current partner. Unfaithful people are looking for passion, thrills, tenderness, romance, and trying to increase self-esteem. Some people derive psychological pleasure from the very fact of being able to change and hide it.

Analysis of family relationships

Keep working on yourself. Look at yourself with a detached gaze.

What are you like? What do you look like, what are you interested in, how do you think about the people around you?

It is important to realize what scale your level of self-esteem is on.

Do you enjoy spending time alone, do you strive to learn new things?

Is it possible to be interesting to your spouse if during the day a kaleidoscope of questions scrolls through your head: “Where is he now, what is he doing, when will he return, how does he feel about me now?”

Definitely no. To do this, you need to figure out what model of behavior you follow.

Relationships as equals

A married couple has their own activities, hobbies, they are interested in spending time together, but when forced to be alone, the feeling of connection with each other remains. A woman fills her free time with activities she enjoys, sports, and socializing with friends. She develops and enjoys absorbing new information that she takes from books and conversations with other people. Has self-esteem, loves himself, does not violate the comfort zone of the person opposite. Treats the weaknesses and shortcomings of a loved one with understanding.

Codependent relationships

The wife devotes herself entirely to serving her loved one. Spinning like a squirrel in a wheel, managing to complete many tasks in a day, ironing clothes, preparing delicious dishes, blowing away specks of dust. She listens to him attentively, makes sure that he feels good in everyday life and in the intimate sphere. But when he leaves or leaves, he experiences great anxiety. He imagines where he ate, what he said, what he is doing now. If she is late at work, the woman is tormented, worrying whether everything is okay with her loved one. She voluntarily deprives herself of her own world, completely immersing herself in her husband’s life.

Consequences of codependent relationships

If you recognize yourself in the 2nd description, then the unseemly act of your dear one will be a disaster for you. The usual way of life and confidential communication collapse like a ship on a rock, and there is no point in living. This is a family tragedy for both spouses. The wife surrounded her dear man with tenderness, care and attention so much that he began to suffocate in this stuffy cloud. Or she tried to please so hard that he, in response to her humiliation by betrayal, opens her eyes to how insignificant her self-esteem is. A woman develops a black hole inside her, an emptiness filled with pain from what she has experienced. The mind repeats: the loved one acted disgustingly, unfairly, and the soul (emotional sphere) whispers: the past was wonderful and, perhaps, there is still a chance to return everything back. It turns out that the woman lived in illusions. Pleased the man, she completely dissolved in him, and now there is a gaping emptiness inside. He stopped treating her the way he used to - during romantic love, because she voluntarily deprived herself of the opportunity to develop, ceased to be a mystery.

Is it necessary to take revenge?

Betrayal causes resentment, rage, and anger in people, which gives rise to a desire for revenge. The result of this is retaliatory betrayal, quarrels, and manipulation. In married couples, children suffer from parental scandals and are used as tools for “payback.” In rare cases, it comes to criminal offenses.

The desire for revenge after betrayal is understandable, but deeply destructive. Inflicting reciprocal pain on a former partner brings a short release, followed by new unpleasant experiences. This leads to mental disorders and loss of the ability to enjoy normal activities. Therefore, you should not deliberately take revenge on a traitor.

The best revenge on an unfaithful person is to leave the relationship with dignity and find happiness without him.

To do this, you need to engage in self-development, career, appearance, make new acquaintances, friends, boyfriends. This will help you cope with a breakup, get rid of complexes and feelings of guilt, increase your self-esteem, and learn to love yourself again.

Advice from psychologists

If you sincerely want to forgive a loved one for infidelity, believe me, this will definitely work out.

It’s better when this happens consciously, gradually, without random throwing, extremes, or hysterics. Highlight the key points for yourself and take action.

Consider the difference between the psychology of men and women. Try to clarify the motives for betrayal from his point of view.
When the emotions subside, try to have a direct conversation - without reproaches, shouting, or accusations.
Analyze your relationship. If they are codependent, start working on yourself. Raise your level of self-esteem. Fill the emptiness inside, develop, improve. Not for my husband to appreciate, but for myself.
Make a firm decision: stay with him or live alone for now.
Regardless of how life turns out next, try to forgive your loved one. Resentment destroys a person morally and physically and affects the worldview of children. Don't accumulate negativity.
Keep a journal or share events with someone you trust unconditionally.

How to survive your husband's betrayal

Male infidelity is a great stress and grief for the wife. The loss of stability associated with having a husband, a drop in self-esteem, and a feeling of betrayal have a negative impact on the quality of life and psychological well-being. To cope with the situation, you must follow the following recommendations:

Stop comparing yourself to your rival. Contrary to stereotypes, men do not choose only beautiful, young, sexy girls to cheat on. Anyone can become a competitor - it depends on many uncontrollable factors.
Work on self-esteem. The easiest way is to take care of your own appearance: attend makeup and manicure courses, work on your figure, try a new clothing style. These activities will distract you from negative thoughts after cheating, and the new image of a “desirable woman” will get rid of your complexes and attract the attention of men.
Take care of your health. The female body reacts violently to stress, which manifests itself in the occurrence of specific sexual diseases. Therefore, it is recommended to visit a psychologist, endocrinologist, or gynecologist.
Reconsider the value of a man. Despite the marriage, the husband remains a free man, free to leave or stay. If he decided to cheat and did not honestly end the relationship, then he was not a valuable partner to begin with.
Find support. Talk to friends, speak out on a forum, find a community of help for survivors of betrayal. Talking to someone who understands can sometimes ease emotional baggage just as well as professional therapy.

A woman will be able to survive betrayal more easily if she knows the myths about male infidelity:

Men don't cheat because of their appearance. According to statistics, most cheaters do not consider their mistresses more beautiful than their wives. Therefore, developing complexes and comparing yourself with your rivals is a waste of time and nerves.
The woman is to blame for her husband's betrayal. Problems in the relationship that led to betrayal lie with both companions. But the final decision to deceive, and not to part with the world, was made by the husband. The wife has every right to be angry and not blame herself.
Male infidelity is “better” than female infidelity. Legends that a husband cheats “physically, not spiritually,” “is polygamous by nature,” and so on are excuses for self-justification and deception of naive girls. The severity of the act does not depend on gender. A wife has the right to judge her unfaithful husband fairly.

Recovering from betrayal sometimes takes years. Sensitive people who have experienced deep emotional trauma will need help from a psychologist or psychiatrist.

The belief that a husband betrays his wife just for sex causes women to forgive unfaithful partners more often than they should. In fact, both guys and girls usually seek emotional intimacy in affairs.

In what cases can betrayal be forgiven?

We can identify situations where the right decision, so to speak, would be to save the marriage and forgive the man. The final decision will always be yours, but it is worth considering “extenuating circumstances.”

Happy family life

We are talking about the time when you did not yet know about the betrayal. Were you satisfied with everything? Have you ever thought about divorce before?

You are more likely to enjoy your husband than to suffer from him.

If you have great rapport, you enjoy spending time together and understand each other's jokes. You help in everyday life, in problems, you can lean on each other in difficult times.

Do I have to cross out all this because of one mistake? After all, in such a family there really is something to lose.

One random mistake

The circumstances of the betrayal also play a big role. It’s one thing if this is a conscious long-term relationship in which strong feelings are involved. Your husband has been insidiously deceiving you for months, coming up with excuses, and blatantly lying to your face.

Another thing:

drunken betrayal when he had poor self-control at the cooperative;
one-time intimacy on a business trip;
he was seduced by an insidious temptress, and later he immediately confessed everything to you.

Every woman has her own view on any situation. Some are ready to forgive physical intimacy without signs of love, while others are ready to get a divorce because of love correspondence.

The husband really repents

Usually your husband is quite stingy with emotions, but he’s not stingy here. Literally sobbing, he begs you to forgive the betrayal; is it possible to pretend so reliably? Most likely, he really realized the possible risks and is afraid of losing you.

You don’t need to immediately forgive your husband’s betrayal - he should feel that this decision was not easy for you. And there will be no second attempt.

You're so comfortable

The husband provides for the family, takes care of the children in the evenings, helps with the housework, and in general you benefit greatly from his presence. One will be much worse.

And after all the years together, you have already become so accustomed to each other that you live like roommates. Convenient cooperation for mutual benefit. So why ruin everything?

And we are not talking about a broken heart, hurt pride or jealousy. You feel that you are able to forgive your husband for cheating on you.

In such families, platonic or open relationships are sometimes discussed so that bed problems do not spoil such a comfortable union.

How to survive your wife's betrayal

For a husband, a woman’s infidelity is not only a betrayal and a sign of the death of a relationship, but also a blow to pride and self-esteem. It is more difficult for a man to survive his wife’s affair due to the lack of support and compassion. One’s own pride, social prejudices, and stereotypes prevent a person from seeking help. He does not allow himself to cry into his girlfriend’s vest and is embarrassed to consult a psychologist. Because of this, men often choose unhealthy mechanisms for dealing with stress - getting drunk, getting into fights, taking drugs.

6 tips on how to behave after your wife cheats:

Stop idealizing your partner, overestimating the severity of the loss. If the relationship reached the point of betrayal, the beloved woman was not as good as her husband thought about her. Probably, the relationship would have caused many problems in the future if the man had not found out about the betrayal in time.
Understand that breaking up a relationship is not the end of life. Start communicating with new ladies, friends, family - this will help get rid of the fear of loneliness, sad thoughts, difficult memories.
Treat female betrayal with humor. If you exaggerate an unpleasant situation and turn it into a joke, negative emotions will subside. Humor can be used to express pain and sadness without fear of showing weakness or vulnerability.
Stop suppressing emotions. Cheating on your wife is an unpleasant, difficult situation that leaves behind psychological scars. Feeling and showing rage, anger, sadness after it is normal if you know the time and place.
Immerse yourself in work, find a new hobby. Constantly doing something fun, useful, and interesting will help you fight difficult thoughts. By shifting his attention to his career and hobbies, a man thinks less about the unpleasant situation with his wife.
Go on a date, get carried away with a new girl. The root of the darkest thoughts about betrayal lies in the fear of loneliness - a man is afraid that he will lose “the one” and will not be able to find a replacement. After talking with different women, he will understand that the feeling of affection and love is not unique.

It is extremely difficult for a man to get out of depression after his wife’s betrayal, especially if it is accompanied by a trial, division of property, or problems with children. Friends, an experienced psychologist, and anonymous support groups on the Internet will help you cope with betrayal.

Is it possible to forgive betrayal

There is an opinion that under no circumstances should a traitor be given a second chance. He cheated once, he will cheat again.

In fact, everything is completely different. All people make mistakes, but some people learn from them. If your husband stumbles once, but is afraid of losing you, he will not take the risk again.

But it is very important to make it clear after the first betrayal that the second time will be the last. Next time, no attempts to forgive or forget the betrayal. Immediately a divorce.

And it is very important to keep your word. If he suddenly dares to repeat the mistake, that’s a choice. This will continue to be repeated continuously.

What not to do

When faced with betrayal, it is important to act wisely, maintaining dignity and rational thinking. By avoiding common mistakes, you can sort out relationships and survive betrayal without unnecessary stress.

Panic

The first reaction when betrayal is discovered is fear, shock, panic. The realization that a relationship has changed forever leads to anxious thoughts and irrational decisions. Attempts by the mind to cope with the situation and solve all the problems that have arisen at once lead to confusion and stress.

Therefore, you need to drive away unnecessary thoughts with an effort of will and concentrate on the current situation, calmly talking with your partner.

Trying to find a reason

Cheating is an act that is led to by many factors over which the victim has no influence.

Stereotypical excuses for betrayal, such as lack of warmth, monotony in sex, separation, may not be its cause.

Sometimes it is committed due to a pathological craving for thrills, an impulsive outburst of passion, or the natural fading of old feelings. Tormenting yourself with a search for reasons is an unproductive activity that leads to unnecessary stress.

Create a scandal

If the husband came into the house after a night with his mistress or the wife returned after cheating, you should not start a heated quarrel.

The victim, who has just learned of the betrayal, is in a vulnerable position in relation to the traitor and is unable to adequately fight back. Most likely, the partner has already prepared a line of defense and will turn the situation around in such a way that she herself will feel guilty. Therefore, it is worth entering into disputes and arguments after some time, when the pain subsides and feelings cool down.

Compare yourself with the culprit(s)

A common misconception about cheating is that the partner sees the lover as the ideal person. This is not so - a traitor can choose anyone for an affair, regardless of personal qualities, appearance, intelligence, wealth, status. Comparing yourself with a competitor, looking for weaknesses, and trying to quickly change yourself will bring nothing to the victim except emotional pain.

Betrayal is a strong shock for any person. It is difficult to get over it and forgive it. A deep analysis of the situation, psychological support from family and friends, and switching attention to hobbies, work, and relationships with other people will help you cope with trauma.

If you don’t want to give up and are ready to really, and not in words, fight for your full and happy life, you may be interested in this article .

What does nature think about betrayal?

Look at nature and the creatures that nature has created, ants, toads, lions, dogs, squirrels, dolphins, people. Every creature has a cycle from birth to death, and one of the important cycles is reproduction; if there is no reproduction, then the species will die out. Therefore, deep in the instincts of the animal, it is programmed to reproduce its own kind.

Therefore, it is obvious that nature will use all its tricks to reduce the species to reproduction, because if one type of the food chain is lost, the entire balance of the system may collapse and nature will die.

It’s the same with people, we have a program for reproduction deep in our subconscious. We just multiply and reproduce the species of our own kind. You will say, a person has screwed up such a program, if we are not animals, and are created for love, meeting a soul mate and generally living happily as a family.

Of course, I believe in love that is boundless and forever, I have not experienced it myself, but I am sure that this happens - it is felt directly on some spiritual level. But let's look at the statistics that divorces in the world are 75%, which means the system with the institution of marriage does not work or people have forgotten how to love. I lean towards the second one the most.

The second version, we are so unlucky that the chance of getting into an ideal relationship is only 25%, but if you are on this page, it means you didn’t get into the 25%, then how to build a harmonious relationship? More on this below.

✅Guide to changing yourself .pdf

What psychologists say: 5 stages of accepting a situation

The emotions of a woman who has been deceived by her husband are indeed very strong. On Holmes and Ray's stress scale, betrayal ranks roughly on par with the death of a lover.

After such shocking news, a woman goes through five stages of accepting the situation:

Shock.
At the very beginning, the woman cannot realize that everything that happened is really real. She does not take even direct evidence of betrayal seriously.
Deal.
This stage is associated with the desire to return to the old relationship. Because of such obsession, deceived wives commit a huge number of unjustified actions.
Aggression.
It is unlikely that the betrayal of a beloved husband can be survived without the slightest bit of aggression. In most cases, the deceived wife remains in a state of intense rage for quite a long time. At this stage, she screams at her husband, accuses him of all his sins, makes a scandal, thereby splashing out the negativity that fell on her along with the news about the betrayal.
Sadness.
At some point, anger gives way to grief over lost happiness. This stage is associated with painful memories of the past, in which there was no homewrecker between the spouses.

Consumed by her grief, a woman often falls out of her usual life. During this period, she reacts especially sharply to stories about the family happiness of others.
Reconciliation.
In the end, the woman finally comes to terms with the betrayal of her loved one and thinks about what she should do next: try to save the family or get a divorce. Here we are talking about serious reflection, taking into account all the pros and cons. At this stage, you can begin constructive communication with your husband on the topic of further joint (or separate) life.

How to save a family

As long as there are chances to save the family, you need to fight for them. Women should remember that they will have to rebuild a relationship with another man and go through all the stages of its construction again. At the same time, existing spouses are connected by common memories, experiences, etc. There are times when trying to save a marriage is pointless:

When the spouse does not want to discuss what happened. Perhaps the fact is that he is ashamed of what he did, but such behavior is more regarded as a way to hush up the situation.
When he accuses his half of being pushed into deception, and does not consider himself guilty. Even if one of the spouses made mistakes, this was still not a reason to look for a replacement. To understand what does not suit both parties, the spouses discuss it together.
When one of the spouses does not see anything wrong with their betrayal. In this case, you should either interrupt the marriage, or mentally prepare for the following deceptions.
It will not be possible to save the family if the one who was cheated on develops hostility towards his other half. Rejection, disgust from one type is an indicator that the relationship cannot remain the same.
The wife or husband reported that he no longer experiences the same feelings and plans to leave the family himself.

Don't rush into divorce if you have a chance to save your family

Important! In case of revealed betrayal, both spouses should try to save the family. If one of them does not see the motivation or coldly meets all impulses to improve the situation, there will be no progress. The most reasonable and painless solution in such a situation would be divorce.

Is it worth forgiving the betrayal of a girl or a man in order to save the family? The decision on what to do (forgive the betrayal and give a second chance or break up the family) is an individual matter. Each person has his own ideas about acceptable limits and varying degrees of patience. In addition, there are cases that may not justify betrayal, but can serve as an explanation for it:

Despite the betrayal, love and trust in the spouse have not disappeared, and there is confidence that he still has feelings.
Understanding that the betrayal happened by accident, and the loved one no longer intends to cheat.
The spouse sincerely repents, and all his attempts to win forgiveness touch to the core.
The presence of children in the family can be considered a powerful argument for letting go of this situation and saving the family. Divorce of parents is always difficult for children. Therefore, if you are confident that both are able to cope with betrayal, it is better to forget about divorce.
The husband cheated during his wife's pregnancy. Due to the raging hormones, the girl is unlikely to be able to adequately assess the situation and make the right decision. The best option would be to take a break from the relationship and deal with it later.

Note! If doubts about the need still plague your thoughts, it is worth taking a logical method of decision-making. They take a sheet of paper, draw it in half and write down in two columns the pros and cons that they will receive from the divorce. In the case when one of the spouses is confused in his feelings and thoughts, this technique will help put everything on the shelves and see what will be best for him.

It is important to consider the presence of children for whom parental divorce can be traumatic