Lying in adolescence: causes of the problem and methods for solving it

April 21, 2020 admin Home page » Our children » Teenagers Views:

The teenager is lying. What to do? First of all, pull yourself together and don’t freak out. Understand the reasons. Find out what caused it.

But going ahead is a failure. For a conversation you need to choose the time, environment and mood. If all conditions match, mutual understanding is guaranteed.

Adults nearby, wise and understanding, is the dream of every child. A child or a teenager, it doesn’t matter.

Fear of failure

If teenagers in the first case lie only to their parents, then their fear of failure causes a defensive reaction, which manifests itself in lying to everyone. Teachers are the first to be negatively affected. A schoolchild, fearing publicity or ridicule, deliberately lies that he did not learn the lesson. He tells parents lies in the form of exaggerations of his success at school. In this case, you will need consultation or advice from a psychologist. If teenagers outgrow certain categories of lies without the intervention of specialists, then this one can leave trauma for the rest of their lives. Already in adulthood, a person will not only lie to everyone, but will also not be able to express himself as an individual due to constant fear.

A teenager is lying - what to do?

We will not now consider pathological lies with or without reason. If you react correctly to the first manifestations of deception, then the lies will not become global and permanent.

Parents wish only the best for the teenager and want to keep his life under control for as long as possible. Alas. A young person has his own affairs related to relationships with peers or those that it is better not for adults to know about. But lies have short legs. The secret has become clear.

And here punishment or an outburst of anger can seriously harm mutual understanding between the closest people. You will have to accept that the child has risen to a new stage in his maturation and try to find out the reasons for the lies.

Isolation and loneliness

A teenager's isolation leads him to lies

Such conditions sometimes become the basis for a teenager’s lies. To the best of his imagination, he makes up stories that supposedly happened to him. This happens because the child considers his life uninteresting, and invented stories elevate him to the rank of a hero. Thus, the teenager lies in order to increase his importance in the eyes of his peers and to make friends with them. Here you should take a closer look at your child and talk to him. Conversations should be unobtrusive, so as not to frighten, aimed at increasing self-esteem. If the parents themselves cannot cope with this problem, it is necessary to consult a psychologist.

Fear of punishment

Even a loving parent can punish for wrongdoing. It is unlikely that an adult will be able to prohibit walks, but parents are quite capable of turning off the Internet or depriving them of pocket money.

Having committed some kind of offense, the child will try with all his might to hide the situation.

Teenagers lie especially often in cases where possible punishment will deprive them of some opportunities: a trip to another city, classes in a club, the possibility of part-time work. Yes, teenagers can work secretly from their parents in order to save up for the necessary thing.

Independence, autonomy, audacity

Trying to keep their parents at a distance, not wanting outside interference in their personal space, teenagers begin to lie. Having his own beliefs and occupation, which his father and mother do not approve of, the child dodges, trying in every way to hide his secrets. You should not pester your child, much less prohibit him from doing what he loves, if it does not contradict the law. When experiencing the insolence of a teenager who wants to establish justice from his point of view, do not get into an argument with him, this will only complicate the situation. Try to delve into what your child is passionate about, it could be goths, punks, anime and other trends, after 1-2 years the hobby will pass, only memories will remain.

What motivates teenagers to lie to their parents?

Parents suffer severe disappointment when their child begins to lie, dodge, and shield himself. But before you take offense at a teenager, invent punishments for him and read long lectures, it is worth delving into the reasons for deception. Only by understanding the child’s true motives can you come up with a method for solving problems.

Fear of upsetting parents

Teenage lies are not always something negative. Sometimes a child is simply afraid of upsetting his beloved parents. For example, a mother buys her son or daughter a smartphone that her child has dreamed of for so long, but the phone breaks. This situation is sad, but the child is even more upset when he understands that his mother will be upset. Such an unpleasant situation forces the teenager to lie, dodge and evasively answer questions related to the smartphone. A teenager can get a part-time job after school (or instead of school) in order to raise money to fix a phone or buy a new one, starting to lie about his pastime, so that his mother does not find out about the trouble that has happened. Such a lie will be temporary and will only testify to the child’s good upbringing and sincere love for his parents.

Need for self-defense

One of the most common reasons for lying among teenagers. It is caused by the parents themselves when the child lacks trust. For example, if a family is characterized by an authoritarian style of interaction (“I speak - you listen”), then at an earlier age the child could not even think about lying - he was afraid of punishment. And in adolescence, it is a challenge to domineering parents and an opportunity to limit their influence on your life and personality. Sometimes, lying is the only way out, because the teenager is sure that his parents will not appreciate the truth. A secret does not have to be associated with something forbidden. This may be choosing a specialty at a university that is not what your parents wanted, playing rock music, or communicating with people “undesirable” for the family. If parents do not understand their mistake in time and do not try to build a trusting relationship, the gap in communication between them and the child will increase.

Need for personal space

Many parents refuse to realize that their child has already grown up; he is actively becoming an individual separate from his parents. A necessary condition is to have your own space, where parents do not have the right to break into without asking. For example, many mothers see nothing wrong with rummaging through their children’s personal belongings, reading their diaries, or hacking into correspondence on social networks. Justifying your unworthy behavior with concern. If the situation is familiar to you, then it’s time to realize that a child is not a thing. If he is not ready to share something secret with his parents, there is no need to insist. He has the right to secrets. If the child does not give cause for strong concern, do not press with reproaches for secrecy. Give time and space. Maybe your child is having his first relationship with the opposite sex or has had a quarrel with an old friend. When he is ready to talk about his secret, he will do it. But only to those parents in whom he is confident. If you act behind your back, there will never be trust again.

Getting Parents' Attention

Not all parents interfere in their children's lives. Some are too busy for this. Their whole life consists of work and constant worries. A teenager is no longer perceived as a child who needs help and control. Parents see that he is alive, fed and occupied with something. That's enough for them. Such indifference is very painful for a teenager. He needs support, warmth, affection. There is a high probability that he will begin to invent problems and illnesses for himself in order to attract parental attention. Or he will behave in the most inappropriate way, just to find out that his parents care about his life. Even swearing in his direction is perceived as a sign of attention.

An attempt to gain authority

A teenager really wants to seem like an adult in the company of peers who behave in the same provocative manner. “Adult” secrets appear: relationships, smoking, drinking alcohol, discos, dangerous hobbies. All this, as it seems to a teenager, makes him an adult and independent. But he understands perfectly well: his parents will have a different opinion. This behavior is typical of children with low self-esteem, for whom peer recognition is vital. In this situation, parents should be especially careful and patient. If you understand that your child is lying about his pastime, start a conversation very carefully. Say that you are very worried, tell them that you are not ideal either. It is very important to convey to the child the fact that authority can be gained in other ways. And if friends only admit destructive hobbies, these are people who cannot be trusted.

Negative atmosphere in the family

We are not talking about dysfunctional families here. Quite the opposite. If a stressful situation occurs in the family, it is difficult for the child to cope with it and reorient. For example, parents’ divorce or their decision to have a second child secretly from the first. Parents believe that they are protecting their beloved teenager from “adult” problems. But the teenager himself sees the situation differently. In a state of stress, a teenager loses ground under his feet. It seems to him that there is no stability and trust anywhere. In this state, he will seek support and understanding. And he may find it with the wrong people. During times of stress, children tend to associate with “bad company.” Parents should not hide disagreements or other important events in the life of the family. The child has the right to know and participate in family affairs.

Excessive load

Parents have no idea: modern children have a very difficult time. They experience stress every day at school. Sometimes the load is so high that it can be extremely difficult to cope with it. Therefore, children lie about their academic performance and unfinished homework. But if a teenager, in addition to his main activities, also has several clubs and endless responsibilities around the house, then maybe this is too much?

Irresponsibility

A reason for which there is no excuse. During adolescence, the concept of responsibility must be formed. If his parents instilled him from early childhood. At the age of 11-15 you should already understand: you should be responsible for everything said and done. A lie that was not noted by parents once and was not followed by an obligatory conversation gives rise to new deceptions. If you don’t nip these moments in the bud, lying will become a way of life. And the child will not feel guilty at all for untruthful words.

Mythomania

A critical case suggesting a personality disorder. Mythomaniacs are also called pathological liars. People with this syndrome live in captivity of fantasy. The child invents completely fantastic and illogical stories. He may have a very vivid imagination, but there is a difference between fantasizing and mythomania. In the first case, the child understands that he made everything up and is not offended when other people do not believe in the stories. A person with mythomania is convinced that he is right and he aggressively defends his point of view. The mythomaniac does not pursue a specific goal and does not seek profit from his lies.

Those people who have no confidence in life and have not been able to achieve their goals are susceptible to mythomania. That’s why dreams and illusions arise about one’s success. They do not realize the harmful consequences of such self-deception for the psyche. As a rule, others stop taking the mythomaniac seriously. The more they help him plunge into his own illusory world. Parents should pay special attention to such behavior, because it is almost impossible to cope with the problem without the help of a psychotherapist.

Why do teenagers lie? “Advice from a child psychologist” in Morning at 7

Uncomfortable topics of conversation

Personal, “uncomfortable” topics

There are situations when teenagers do not always lie, but only in the case of unpleasant conversational moments. This mainly concerns friendship, love and sex education. Minors, trying to hide some points or having no desire to discuss such topics at all, begin to lie. This happens due to poor contact with the child. He cannot fully open up and tell everything as it is. Advice from a psychologist will help establish this contact, but it is worth knowing that the problem here may not only be with the teenager, the parent must also change.

Fear of failure

Teenagers become extremely self-loving and proud, they develop a sense of self-esteem. Recognition is a necessary thing for a growing person. However, a student may realize that he is falling short of some indicators.

The bar set by parents or the child himself may be unattainable. Wanting to hide failure, the minor invents a world in which he is more successful and perfect.

If you lie, you can avoid punishment

Situations of this kind are common; if teenagers lie, they thereby save themselves from punishment for an offense. To a greater extent, this happens if parents are despots and do not understand that different things can happen in life. The child, taught by the bitter experience of receiving punishment, deliberately hides the truth by telling lies. If at least once he provides himself with such protection from punishment, the lies will continue to be repeated. In this case, parents should turn to a psychologist for advice, because they are the ones to blame for this behavior of their child.

Age-related characteristics of children's lies

At this tender age, all the little ones are sweet dreamers.
Children are still learning to create mental images, and often pass off what they have imagined as real. So, the baby can enthusiastically tell you how he saw a flying cat or a pink elephant in the morning. Don't disturb the dreamer. Don't stop his lies in the bud. After all, it is at this age that the genius in a growing person can be destroyed. Help him realize his fantasies. Offer to draw a flying cat or a pink elephant and pretend that you believe in their existence.

At this age, children are not yet able to distinguish reality from falsehood. They sincerely believe your lies, and are already beginning to practice theirs. Most often this happens to children who are faced with disapproval or censure from adults. They lie because they are afraid of losing love. For example, when asked if he put the toys away, a child confidently says that he did.

Despite the fact that the bears and cars continue to lie in the artistic mess, the baby does not want to upset his mother, who expects him to help with cleaning. Talk to your child confidentially. Make contact. Try to behave kindly. Promise not to punish him if he tells the truth.

And most importantly, let your child know that he is loved and appreciated by everyone. When he learns this, the need to deceive will disappear by itself.

At this age, significant changes occur with the child. Boys and girls go to school, and now they need personal space - a place, a room, a corner where they can be masters. If it is not there, the child lies, hiding behind it as a shield. Help your child organize such a space. Naturally, within reason.

And also explain that the independence he has acquired is not at all permissiveness. Most likely, the offspring will repeatedly “test your strength,” including with the help of lies.

At this age, the child’s desire to be liked by others at any cost is very noticeable. For now, the main thing for him remains the opinion of his parents, so it is his mother and father who will be the target of lies, the purpose of which is to hide his mistakes and failures from his loved ones. This is how students hide the fact of receiving a bad grade from their relatives.

Talk to your child, he is already able to understand that lying is a temporary salvation, and everything secret becomes clear. Don't blame him, don't try to sort things out.

A growing child often begins to lie in order to gain a more socially important place among his peers. He already perfectly understands the difference between truth and falsehood

But how inspiredly he tells tales! You will listen!

Children at this age tend to invent stories for their classmates about the wonderful and prestigious work of their parents, luxurious living conditions, the guys brag about non-existent “cool” toys and gadgets and personal acquaintance with movie or sports stars. What to do? Yes, by and large, nothing.

Remember yourself at this age: you probably did the same thing! Just control the situation so that your son or daughter’s lies do not go beyond the bounds of reason and harm others.

The reason for children's lies at this age usually lies in an advanced crisis of trust in the family. It may also be a consequence of strict upbringing. Lower the bar of demands, think about why the child does not trust you. It’s not too late to correct the situation - on your own or with the support of a specialist.

If the lie is not defeated now, it will be more difficult later, because the teenager requires a certain amount of independence and will try to get it at any cost, even by lying. Don’t delay and sign up with your whole family for a consultation with a psychologist or psychotherapist.

Your teenager has already set personal boundaries. Now he will persistently expand them. If parents try to force their way into the space of their son or daughter, they will be met with rudeness, aggression and lies.

Remember: a child at this age can only invite you into his personal life. If he doesn't, adjust the level of trust in your family. Do not blame the child under any circumstances. It develops in strict accordance with the laws of nature. And lies are his defense mechanism.

After the age of 12, teenagers usually lie masterfully, and it becomes increasingly difficult for adults to recognize deception. And the reasons why they do this are increasing.

Young liars try to compensate for the lack of attention, protect their friends, defend their position or a big personal secret, strive for self-affirmation and try on the mantle of a leader, are afraid of humiliation, shame, disgrace, hide problems in the team and, as we already know, protect with all their might boundaries of personal space from penetration by adults. Do you see what the load is?

What to do if a teenager is lying

What to do with a teenager's lies?

Having suspected your child of lying, you should not immediately ring the bells and accuse him of all sins. Perhaps this is his first bitter experience that ended in failure, and he will not practice this again. Just talk without shouting, explain that lying is bad. Tell him that sooner or later the lie will be revealed, and he will receive the stigma of a liar for a long time, it will be uncomfortable, ashamed and disgusting.

If the teenager continues to lie, determine the reason. Depending on it, further actions must be taken. The best option would be to contact a psychologist for advice. You should visit a specialist for the first time on your own, without involving your child. In 80% of cases, the problem of children lying is hidden in improper upbringing and poor relationships with parents.

It is worth sharing the level of lies; if this is a defensive reaction or hiding facts in order to avoid punishment, you should abandon the harsh measures of punishment practiced in your family. Make the punishment less severe so that the teenager does not take it with hostility. Instead of spanking and banning the Internet, offer to clean the room, replant the flowers, etc. After this, your child will have no need to lie, because he will know that he will not be punished harshly, as before.

TEENAGE DISCUSSIONS AND LIES

Let's imagine a situation where a conflict between teenage boys must be resolved through an “arrow” (a term from the lexicon of teenagers), that is, a meeting in a pre-agreed place and at a certain time.

As a rule, such disputes are collective and not always peaceful. Disputes and fights are possible. Is it possible to tell your parents that you are going to such a showdown? Most parents will try to intervene and not let him in.

A teenager cannot fail to attend such a meeting - the shame and condemnation of friends and enemies is much worse than parental anger. The code of honor, sometimes very original, has not been canceled.

Then an urgent matter comes up with classmate Petya (Vanya, Misha), usually related to studies (take an essay, take a textbook, prepare homework together).

By hook or by crook, a teenager escapes from home and returns dirty, overexcited or beaten.

It turns out that the parents were deceived, there was no talk of any lessons, but an event took place that threatened the health of their precious offspring. If they had known, they would never have let him go! They would have laid bones at the threshold.

What if you exhale, sigh and count to ten in order to calm down and find the strength to ask questions and talk? Wash abrasions and bruises, sympathize. No tears or lamentations.

After all, this is a suitable reason to call for frankness. It's time to have a heart-to-heart talk. Find out whether the reason for the “arrow” was worthy, who was able to prove what to whom.

Is the hostility over or will it continue? Depending on the severity of the reason and consequences, take action. But those that cannot damage the teenager’s reputation in any way.

Let your emotions spill out, not the parent’s, but your grown child’s. Wait until the wave of excitement subsides and let him speak. Chaotic, hot. Only then can you say your opinion, if it is at all appropriate and necessary.

Have a conversation, carefully find out the composition of the warring parties and whose side your offspring was on. Understand the cause of the conflict. And, even if it seems unfair and stupid to you, keep your assessment to yourself. But a debriefing wouldn't hurt.

Ask him not to hide where he is going and why. In return, promise not to put up any obstacles. Understand and penetrate the laws of the world in which a teenager lives. Even if you don’t like a lot of things, accept it.

This is a social environment in which the ability to adapt in society is formed, this is a world that is not chosen, but which exists around different age groups. We all have to defend our interests and defend our values ​​throughout our lives. In different ways, by the way.

A reasonable reaction of parents to a teenager’s lies will prevent the snowball of alienation from growing or the crack between you from widening for the rest of your life. Nothing can replace parental love and wisdom, even if during this period of adolescence, your child sees lying as the only way to escape care and gain freedom. How he understands her.

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Bottom line. Short advice from a psychologist to parents

1. Treat your teenager like an adult.
2. Talk to him more, tell him about your problems and experiences.
3. Give more independence.
4. Be sure to knock before entering the room.
5. Be tolerant, but control the situation.
6. Ask questions unobtrusively during the conversation.
7. React to all confessions, even if you don’t like them, without outbursts, evenly.

Only joint work, established contact and mutual understanding will help rid your teenager of an addiction.
Yabrova Ksenia · 15 Oct, 2018

Why do many 13-14 year old teenagers constantly lie?

Before scolding a child for lying, you need to find out the reasons for this behavior:

• The need for independence

Teenagers most often consider themselves to be quite adults who make independent decisions. This increases their self-esteem and gives them an incentive to improve themselves. A ban on certain actions or actions will inevitably lead to the teenager starting to tell lies and be rude, trying to defend his right. Irritation and punishment will only aggravate the situation, and parents risk completely losing the trust of their child, who will persistently stick to his line.

In such a situation, it is best to assess how harmless the teenager’s independent actions are. If he does unacceptable things, it is necessary to calmly and gently explain that he cannot yet do certain things himself. If necessary, you can offer an alternative.

For example, if a child skips classes, considering studying a waste of time, then you can offer him the right to a free day once a month, which he can spend on his hobbies.

• Personal space

Overly ambitious parents, who want to raise a child prodigy according to all the canons of education, monitor not only his studies, but also all his activities outside of school. This may concern friends, hobbies, favorite music. It may seem to some that the teenager communicates with peers unworthy of his level or social status. In such situations, excessive control or punishment for disobedience can lead to the child closing himself off from his parents and starting to lie in defense of his right to privacy.

It is important to listen to the teenager’s wishes and find a joint solution. There is no need to prohibit him from music that his parents do not like, because everyone has different tastes. And communication with friends who cause suspicion can be transferred to the home environment, naturally, without adult intervention. This option will give him the right to communicate, and his parents will be able to take a closer look at his friends.

• Fear of punishment

By the age of 13-14 years, children already understand that they will be punished for bad behavior. Trying to avoid trouble, teenagers try to keep things quiet or deceive their parents. Most often at this age, conflicts arise due to poor performance or lack of discipline at school.

You need to understand that a child is not a robot and cannot always cope with the school load. It is completely unfair to punish someone for a bad grade without finding out the reasons. It is best to understand the situation in a calm mood and try not to raise your tone. It would be a good idea for parents to remember that mistakes happen at work, which sometimes adults themselves hide behind lies or omissions.

• Features of temperament

A tendency to fantasize and embellishment occurs among many at this age. If a child talks about his successes and is a little disingenuous, then it is best not to pay attention to this fact at all, but to once again praise and show attention. But some children get so into it that they can no longer stop and even believe their own lies.

In such a situation, you can ask a few humorous questions that will reveal the deception, but there is no need to scold for such behavior: the liar, baffled, will already feel awkward and will think about it in the future before coming up with incredible feats.

• Lack of attention

It often happens that teenagers deliberately lie, most often causing a negative reaction. With a lack of attention, children deliberately irritate their parents. If it seems that a son or daughter has become rude and impudent, then in most cases the reason for this is the busyness of parents who have abandoned their children. This situation often occurs in families in which there are younger children who receive more attention and care.

How can you tell if your child is lying?

Although children tend to deceive their parents, they still do not know how to do it as skillfully and perfectly as, for example, politicians. Recognizing that a child is lying is not so difficult - the main thing is to take a close look at how he says it and what he does. Signs of a child's lie are as follows:

• When a child cheats, he will never look you in the eyes. If you want to “see through” him, then ask him not to take his eyes off you - believe me, at the very first sentence you will understand that the child is lying.
• When a baby cheats, even consciously, he still feels insecure and uncomfortable. Therefore, he shifts from foot to foot and constantly scratches himself first on the head, then on the arm, or on the eyes, forehead, and neck.

• If the baby constantly stumbles during his story/answer to the parent’s question, then this is a warning sign for you that he, most likely, is not telling you the whole truth.
• Do you doubt that you heard the truth from your child? Ask him to repeat everything he said - if the answer was thought up spontaneously, it is unlikely that he would have time to remember the sequence in his story.
• If a child is lying, his facial expression will change, and his cheeks are likely to turn red.
• The baby brings his finger to his mouth or nose - these will not be forced movements, but reflexive ones, and they will symbolize his lies.
• When a baby's hands are always behind his back or in his pockets, this may indicate his desire to hide something from his parent.