How to communicate with people you can't communicate with

Adviсe

4 April 2020, 15:30

• Minimum conflicts
• Realize the need itself
• Some nuances

Man is a social being and cannot do without communication. Friendships, relationships with colleagues or love affairs are prone to constant change and a certain buoyancy. Life circumstances change, people change to suit these circumstances. And, no matter how great this relationship was yesterday, today it can turn out to be exhausting, toxic, unnecessary .

If communication has “fizzled out”, the best option would be to bring it to naught rather than continue a relationship that does not bring joy.

Breaking off any connection is always difficult, but during such a period try not to focus only on your feelings, but also think about the feelings of another. “Spit in your soul”, “wiped your feet” - this is exactly how a deeply offended person can characterize you in the heat of the moment. And no matter how you try to smooth out the awkwardness of the necessary decision, you will need all the sense of tact and exceptional politeness so that your friend or colleague does not feel humiliated.

You need to end the conversation as politely as possible.

Minimum conflicts

You made a decision: yes, this communication takes up your time/finance/internal resources, and therefore you simply don’t need it. Naturally, you cannot present your thoughts to another person in this form - it will be painful, it will be offensive, such straightforwardness borders on arrogance and arrogance. How to properly end communication without unnecessary drama ?

1. Build new boundaries in relationships, do not allow them to be broken by gradually increasing the distance.
2. Conversations “for life” are now a thing of the past. Be careful not to give a person random hope by allowing him to pour out his soul to you once again over a cup of coffee.
3. If there is a serious reason for the breakup (a friend set you up, a guy cheated on you, a friend gossiped ugly, etc.), it is recommended to speak openly about it. If a person really has a “snout in the cannon”, he will draw conclusions and disappear from your life. If the situation through the eyes of another is seen completely differently, listen to his arguments. Perhaps you missed something, and the relationship is not so hopeless yet.
4. If you seriously intend to dot the i's, do without direct accusations - this may cause counter-aggression and a constructive dialogue will not work. Try to talk more about your emotions (“I’m upset,” “I don’t understand,” “this really upset me”) rather than about the actions of your opponent.

Any final conversation, if one is planned, should take place on neutral territory that does not evoke any associations with previous communication for both. The dialogue should be as restrained and polite as possible, not touching on personal topics. Simply avoiding a person is often not an option at all: there are many questions left, unsaid things, and second-guessing and second-guessing is unlikely to be in your favor.

The end of any communication is rarely painless for both

Don't try to control them

Sometimes it can be very tempting to try to put a powerful person in his place and repay him in kind. But it won't do you any good. Moreover, this may provoke further negative attitudes towards you, which will only lead to a worsening of the problem and will in no way solve it.

In the book “Mental Freedom: Free yourself from negative feelings and change your life,” American psychiatrist Judith Orloff advises how to behave in such a situation: “Be assertive, not domineering. Keep yourself at a safe distance and don't accept the role of the victim. The most important thing is to be consistent in your actions. And then you are guaranteed to achieve your goal.”

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Realize the need itself

Why did you decide to break off this relationship? Awareness of the reasons will not allow you to succumb to momentary weakness when remembering the good moments of your relationship and will give you strength to build new boundaries. Do you feel like you are being used? That you stop being yourself or change for the worse? That you just feel sorry for the time and emotions for this communication? Take at least a short break , allow yourself to be away from this person and find answers to the questions posed.

Do not give in to emotions and provocations: it is useful to think carefully about ending communication with a “cool head”

In order for this difficult process to go smoothly, determination is required. Any hesitation or attempts to revive communication introduce unnecessary drama. Remember: if you feel bad in this communication, you have the right to end it unilaterally . In many situations, it will be healthier and calmer for both to explain themselves without leaving any unanswered points, but for this you need to have a remarkable sense of tact, true diplomacy and politeness.

Parting gracefully without leaving any grudges is a special skill

Loneliness crisis

It lies in the fact that you cannot live as before. You don't understand how to get out of this situation. In other words, there is a struggle going on deep in your soul: many experiences, life circumstances, and accumulated experience form a new picture in you.

One day the picture will form, and mostly without your intervention. After which, a person has new decisions that are unpredictable for him. You immediately realize what you want and how to achieve it. At least you will be able to see your first steps on the path to the future. Most importantly, you will want to make them.

You will be filled with vital energy, which is necessary to bring your plans to life; thanks to this energy, the desire to communicate with people will return to you. The best thing you can do now is relax. Don't try to fight the crisis and don't engage in self-flagellation. Every person encounters such periods, there is nothing terrible about it.

Some nuances

Which particular option to choose (whether to speak frankly or simply leave “in English”) depends on your character, and on the character of the other person, and on the circumstances. But there are universal techniques for any choice:

• reduce contacts to a minimum : do not call and do not look for a meeting yourself, answer your friend’s calls briefly and to the point, you can refer to being busy so as not to prolong the conversation. For you this is already a stranger;
• if a person is not understanding enough or does not agree with the fact that he was pushed like this, well, you will have to be patient , because persistent, annoying people often play on feelings of guilt or the desire to avoid disapproval;
• work through your complexes : it is not at all necessary to be nice to everyone, especially if it goes against your interests;
• be honest , if you are brought into conversation, give specific examples, focus on facts. Do not reproach your former friend and do not say that he is bad: focus him on your feelings and the fact that such communication is no longer suitable for you;
• For the final conversation, choose either a personal meeting or a call , but not correspondence in instant messengers or social networks.

Deciding to have a conversation is not easy, but it must be personal.
In forced meetings (for example, if you work together or met at an event), be unemotional, but polite . Emphasized coldness will only indicate your determination and the fact that previous communication cannot be returned. You may be haunted by sadness and regret for some time, but learn from what happened and don’t repeat it again.

Reasons for not wanting to talk

What causes a person to lose or completely lose the desire to communicate with people? The main reasons why this problem occurs:

Constriction

Due to lack of self-confidence or lack of social skills, a person may become self-conscious, tense, or indecisive. Feeling awkward around strangers, he will make attempts to avoid communicating with strangers, as well as appearing in public places and the like. Shyness cannot be called a disadvantage. Usually it is present in decent and emotional people. Unfortunately, in the modern world, this quality complicates life.

A person may meet an interesting interlocutor for himself, but will not be able to talk to him because of the fears that constrain him.

Unpleasant interlocutor

The lack of desire to communicate may be explained by the fact that there is no interlocutor who was as mentally developed or followed similar beliefs or aspirations. When a person is among people who cause him rejection, avoidance of communication is more than explainable and understandable.

Emotional burnout

This term is used when assessing the psychological state of a person who, due to his characteristics or some other reasons, loses interest in the world around him.

Most often, people who work in the field of constant communication with people or in very responsible positions are susceptible to burnout. These could be doctors, security officials, teachers; they are the ones who are susceptible to emotional burnout, due to which they lose the desire to communicate with anyone outside of work.

Introvert

These are people immersed in their own imaginary world. Their personal thoughts and reasoning occupy a dominant role in the mind, and worry a person more than the surrounding reality. People with strong introversion do not require the need to talk, since their own world is enough for them. For them, loneliness is a comfort zone.

Lack of social skills

When communicating with people, we use a social process that is associated with certain rules. Communication skills are developed from a very young age. It may be that problems with socialization arose in childhood, which is why communication with people may not have developed in adulthood. This is why it becomes difficult to find a common topic of communication, it is problematic to maintain a dialogue or choose words, and so on. Although the person himself may be highly intelligent, with a wonderful sense of humor and a rich vocabulary. But due to the lack of communication skills, it will be difficult for him to talk with others.

Reticence can have various causes. Information from the source will help you get rid of spiritual emptiness.

Share your opinion in the comments. Why does this condition occur and is it worth fighting it?

How to satisfy the needs of your interlocutor

You need to make sure that your interlocutor has his basic needs met:

1. Dream;
2. Food;
3. Safety.

Learn to respect your point of view as an individual.

So that it is not approved at your expense. So act wisely, elevate him immediately. Say, “dude, you’re a god, I’m only talking to you, no one understands like you.” The person will feel what he was trying to achieve and will communicate with you in a completely different way.

Words do not fulfill their intended function

Secrets of communicating with high-status people

Who are high-status people, how do they differ from others, and how to successfully communicate with them?

“Status” can be called people in positions of power, strong-willed, focused, with strong characters who force others to take them into account, tense up in their presence, search for words and feel insecure.

In this article we will describe the features of this psychotype, access keys, leading values, protective functions, temperamental characteristics, behavioral strategies, weaknesses and leadership style. We will also give a number of tips and practical recommendations on how to build relationships, communication and be understandable to people of this type, be able to convey information to them, defend your opinion, gaining bonuses in their eyes.

Who are the high-status security forces ? These are businessmen, politicians, professional athletes, top managers, officials, academics, military officers, honored teachers, and representatives of law enforcement agencies.

One way or another, these are strong people either endowed with power or striving for it in every possible way. Their active natures are interested in career growth, social status, personal achievements, privileges and benefits. What is important to them is the recognition of colleagues and friends, the opportunity to be in the spotlight, to manage people from behind the scenes, to play by different rules, not like everyone else, to realize that their opinion is taken into account and respected.

Based on this, there is a whole methodology on how to communicate with representatives of this type of people, what can be said in their presence, and what cannot be said. The uniqueness of the technique is that it doesn’t matter who is in front of you - a special services major or a high school principal - their communication strategies will be very similar. Powerful, strong-willed people focused on their own status have a lot in common.

Therefore, we conditionally unite them into one psychotype.

Features of status security forces:

1. Status values

Sketch on the topic: When a person receives a salary of $1,000, he is proud of himself, but when he receives a profit of $5,000 monthly for several years in a row, his lifestyle will change. He will buy expensive things, vacation at prestigious resorts, and hire a maid or cook. His perception of himself will change, he will get used to the fact that he deserves the best, and he will perceive the people around him differently - more strictly, demandingly, without unnecessary conversations or immersion in other people's details.

This is what status is - a privileged position, a different vision of the world and oneself in it, an orientation towards a different level of quality, service, attitude towards one’s time and life guidelines.

A poor man works to survive and invests all his money in his children. A rich person works to live even better, invests money in children, his own health, interesting leisure, guarantees for the future and personal development.

Big difference. And communication with high-status people is very different.

They respect their interests in everything, value time, trust only the best specialists, want to get guaranteed results, do not like to pay more than expected, defend their rights, demand careful attention, (as a rule) have a good understanding of people, and strive to buy only products from respected brands. Or, on the contrary, they appreciate various new items and unique products.

Keywords of this level: “best”, “quality”, “guarantees”, “professionalism”, “status”, “originality”, “uniqueness”, “only you and Michael Jackson (Steve Jobs, Paris Hilton, Madonna) will have this , Abramovich)".

2. Emotional closedness

The originality of high-status security forces is that due to their innate temperament (dominant type) or due to developed professional habits, they almost do not express emotions in the social environment. The exception is anger, dissatisfaction and irritation, that is, negative emotions, which this type expresses confidently and quite often.

In a family, with friends, with children, on vacation, this type of people can be as emotional and uninhibited as others, but in a formal or business environment they are a flint, multiplied by avaricious facial expressions and a targeted, appraising gaze.

Only a very insightful person or a professional psychologist can understand what they really think and what their response to what they hear is.

What is the trick, why do they do this, what prevents them from being like everyone else?

The desire for status superiority.

Why express emotions when you can soberly think about the situation and say: “I agree” or “Change it, this doesn’t suit me.” In our highly functional society there are many formal frameworks, when emotions are regarded as something unnecessary, as a manifestation of weakness and naivety. And high-status security officials do not want to be (or look) weak, to allow their inner world to be “read,” to open up and be vulnerable.

Usually, such closedness is an indicator of difficult life experience, which taught one not to trust people and keep one’s distance, but it can also be the result of professional development where it is impossible or there is no opportunity to empathize with people and open up - for example, doctors, the Ministry of Emergency Situations, the military, the Ministry of Internal Affairs, and etc.

Key descriptions of this level: severity, coldness, power, mistrust, anger, suspicion, callousness, lack of empathy, isolation.

3. Formal frame

Since high-status security officials strive for a dominant position in society, they often occupy leadership positions (and feel very good there), set tasks and control their implementation. In the process of communicating with them, an interesting phenomenon arises, which we will call “formal space”.

Sketch: the director enters the department, looks around at those present with a stern look... and everyone freezes. Then the conversation takes place only on the merits and not very confidently.

What it is? This is an example of creating a formal space where only one language is officially allowed - the language of results and achievements, production tasks and team plans. A director needs a formal space to instill diligence, an official needs it to fend off annoying requests, a military officer needs it to increase the vigilance of soldiers in their service, and a director needs it to instill fear in school students and temporarily stop their antics.

The formal space is what you need to be mentally prepared for when going to a meeting with a high-status security official. It’s like a sorting sieve or a cold shower, they are needed to set the average person in a certain way and get maximum information from him in the shortest possible time, and not allow him to throw “emotional networks” of complaints, whining and his own incompetence on an official, doctor, military man, etc. d.

“What are you sick with?”, “How are you being treated?”, “Where were you examined?” – clear, chopped questions instantly return responsibility to the client, force him to gather himself and answer questions fluently, while the doctor looks sternly from under his glasses.

Key phrases: “get to the point”, “don’t get distracted”, “more on this later”, “why didn’t you do it?”, “when will you report?”, “next”.

4. Competition and dominant temperament

Temperament is an innate personality trait. He can be more dominant, or softer, adapting. It is temperament that pushes people towards excitement, risk, competition, and the desire to win.

When developing a personality towards a strong type, a person likes to challenge those who are at least superior to him in some way, be it an analytical debate, achievements in sports or a comparison of cars.

For high-status security officials, dispute and competition are another opportunity to maintain their status, establish themselves in their own eyes, and prove their strengths to others. If they fail to win the dispute, the security forces very quickly demonstrate a lack of interest or devalue other people’s arguments.

If your criticism hits the mark and you touch a nerve, they will make every effort to prove you wrong! Therefore, there is such a criterion: the harsher, louder and more demonstratively the security officer denies your injection, the deeper it was. The relationship is directly proportional. You need to know this type well in order to see how they worry, hiding their emotions even from themselves, how they worry, are afraid of making a mistake, do not want to lose face in the dirt, lose the respect of others, turn out to be “losers” or failures in the eyes of respected and people who respect them. Key words: “better”, “blown away”, “you’re cool”, “well done!”, “don’t give a damn.”

5. Increased criticality

People of the power type are more picky than, for example, emotional people and others.

Noticing shortcomings, inaccuracies and mistakes in the words and actions of other people, they show the level of their education and experience, confirm their status, are proud of themselves, cherish self-esteem, and improve their mood.

This is another way to dominate a situation, to be the best, to rise to the top of Olympus. There is nothing particularly bad in this impulse; problems with the security forces begin when they are inadequate and flirt with arrogance and tyranny. As they say, “they can’t add up prices for themselves.” But this is only one of the options.

Among experienced, strong, status-oriented people, a large percentage are active, purposeful workaholics who do not stop there. Therefore, they often have the right to criticize others, having experience and knowledge, having gone through the school of life and overcoming their own complexes. But no people are ideal, and security forces periodically impose their opinions, give unsolicited assessments of actions, and slightly “pop out” against the general background, attracting the attention of others.

An interesting feature of security forces is that the more adequate they are, the more they demand from themselves. The more inadequate, the more they demand from others, guided by the principle: “what I forgive myself, I will not forgive others.”

If a high-status security official himself has little fulfillment in life, then he is realized at the expense of those around him and his far-fetched mockery and comments (decrees, dictatorship, pressure) have little value. This is how their unrealized energy finds a way out; in contrast to them, a realized security officer does not waste time criticizing others, he plows himself and forces others to plow. At most, he can “explode” and scold the most inert employee.

6. Power, control, security

Another interesting trait of strong and focused people is their tendency to control what happens. For what? Control is a guarantee that everything will happen in the right way and will give the desired result in the future.

For what? Because all people care about their safety, the absence of worries and fears for themselves, their property, lifestyle, personal comfort and the comfort of their loved ones.

The security forces, like everyone else, are worried about their future. They use power and control to ensure that things happen the way they want. If a director puts pressure on his subordinates, shouts, criticizes them, this means that he is worried about the company, wants to play it safe and increase reliability.

The more the security forces press, the more worried they are about the situation. Everything is logical.

The second layer of the tendency to power stems from the desire to strengthen one’s status, to show who is in charge, to strengthen one’s leadership position, to impose one’s way of thinking in order to demonstrate one’s own advantage, to have “disciples”, admirers and listeners to confirm one’s own importance.

Status security officials “teach life” when they want to compensate for the lack of results in other areas. The smaller the director, the more pathos he has.

At psychological trainings on conflict management, it is recommended to “cajole” this type, develop the special skill of speaking in the soft voice of a “wizard,” and be able to smooth out problematic situations. In these tips, you will probably see people you know who are surprisingly calm in their ability to communicate with the most quarrelsome people. They know how to treat noisy bosses like children who require attention and recognition.

7. Access keys: guarantees, quality, uniqueness, professionalism

How to improve relations with security forces?

How can you approach them to make a business proposal, defend your opinion, or get help in solving a problem?

The universal keys that need to be used in communication (speeches, presentations, sales, negotiations) are the following:

• Guarantees are synonymous with reliability and strengthening security. When making a proposal to an official, director, or representative of law enforcement agencies, you need to demonstrate the absolute (maximum possible) reliability of your proposal (calculation, scheme, action plan). Security forces do not like to take risks and lose, they only like to win. If your plan is not reliable enough (thought out, takes into account human weaknesses, relies on dreams or luck), you will not see the consent of the security forces. Go to a Coach and work it out properly
• Quality . The richer the security officer, the more accustomed he is to receiving the best that the market has to offer. But without unnecessary expenses. “The best for reasonable money” is their unspoken motto. Therefore, in a conversation with them, you can use the following formulations: “This is the best that exists, if you are interested in quality/results/reliability/no problems,” “This is the best product/unit/car.” “There is a cheaper product, but it is far from this product.”
• Uniqueness/originality . When talking about quality is not enough, you can mention the uniqueness of the product, originality and uniqueness. Every person wants to feel like a bright individual, but not everyone has the money for this. Offer a high-status person something high-quality and one-of-a-kind, season it with the phrase: “Only you will have such a thing. “All your friends will just be jealous.” This will again strengthen the personal status of the security officer, he will be cooler than everyone else!
• Professionalism . The security forces do not want to make a mistake, otherwise the mistake will hurt their pride, so they want guarantees in working with people, and the guarantee of effectiveness is professionalism and experience. Therefore, when selling designer furniture to them, you can say this: “This beautiful set is made from the best New Zealand pine, which is practically not supplied to the market (uniqueness). It was assembled and made by craftsmen with thirty years of experience in wood processing, real professionals, their assembly has a 50-year guarantee.”
• VIP registration . This is how you can jokingly call links to your best achievements - be it a mention in a cool magazine, reviews of a famous person, the purchase of your products by a well-known company or person. Therefore, regarding the furniture, you can add the following phrase: “The prime minister’s wife/pop star/football star ordered exactly this set.”

There are also financial benefits that are standard for everyone, bonuses, discounts, and special services. The security forces love them just like everyone else. But when communicating with them, this should have a very personal context - “Only for you, we don’t provide such services to anyone else.” Naturally, this will emphasize their status, which means that we will become special people in their eyes, and next time they will want to deal only with us, because we respect them.

Techniques for communicating with security officials and high-status people.

We can conditionally divide security officials and simply people of status.

Security forces, due to their temperament, strive for power, dominance and demonstration of their status. They are assertive and ambitious.

It’s just that people of status are those who, by virtue of their position or social employment, have privileges or power, although initially their temperament is softer. But the rules of communication with them are the same, they are less likely to put pressure, but they also want respect, privileges and guarantees.

In communicating with both those and others, the following are important:

1. Specificity and conciseness of speech

Why? Because all security officials value their time (those who value themselves do not waste time listening to others), and if our appeal is long, confusing and illogical, they will simply want to end the conversation. A professional speaks sparingly, clearly and confidently, so they believe him - he knows what he is talking about.

If the speech is slurred and confusing, it means the person is unsure.

If a person speaks for a very long time and describes the problem in detail, it means that he is suffering and is waiting for complicity, and this obliges and, accordingly, alienates the interlocutor, who does not want to take on someone else’s problem.

The advice is this: you need to tell the security forces about the problem “unproblematically”, as if it were a question of socialist competition, intrigue or a gambling project (security forces like to compete and win, but do not like to take on other people’s tasks).

At sales trainings and at advanced communication trainings such as Coaching, trainers are taught to turn a problem into a task, to sell not a service, but a solution to a problem, to talk not about what we want to say, but about what the client wants to hear. And here the main focus is how to set yourself up for dialogue with a person who listens little, asks harshly and expects simple, clear answers without the phrases “I think”, “probably”, “should be”, “it seems to me”.

Repeating to yourself many times, or talking with an intelligent person, or practicing in front of a mirror until you feel confidently calm in each phrase will help you make your speech smooth, clear and well-reasoned.

2. Respect.

As already mentioned, security forces need to be respected and this respect must be demonstrated. This applies to a wealthy blonde who has arrived at a new boutique, or a special services major, or an official, or a school director. They all create around themselves a formal space of social rituals (preventing unnecessary familiarity), they all do not show their personal feelings (they can only be tracked by microfacial expressions), they all want self-affirmation, recognition and control of the situation so that their status does not suffer.

• How does respect manifest itself?
• In readiness to listen to a person, no matter what nonsense he says at first;
• In the absence of the phrases “You are wrong”, “I will teach you”, “Don’t talk nonsense”.
• In soft facial expressions, shaking of the head (“Sing, bird, sing”), calm voice.
• Ready to meet halfway where it is not necessary.

At psychological trainings in this place, participants usually ask the question: “Is it necessary to play along like this? What if this completely spoils a person?”, and we answer with the words of Gleb Zheglov: “And for this there is a second rule...”. You need to be able to present yourself correctly. A confident person is ready to “play along” in order to establish contact. But later he will gently explain, hint to the client that he is not entirely right (especially if he is not right at all or is fundamentally mistaken).”

Security forces love to command and urge people, but first of all, they respect people who do not bend, who know how to politely stand up for themselves, defend their opinion without hysterics and scandals, maintaining a positive frame of communication.

They can respond to pressure gently but confidently.

Like a flexible blade - it bends, but does not break, and when necessary it cuts sharply.

Therefore, the first task in communicating with security forces is to show respect to them, and the second is to gently show that we are specialists in our field and are also worthy of respect. Like, we are not as smart as you (how can we be), but in our field we are the best.

3. Compliments

This topic is as old as the world, so we will not describe it in such detail.

Let’s just say that in the post-Soviet space no one knows how to give compliments (if we judge people in general), everyone is for some reason afraid of them, confused with outright flattery (which also has an effect in dealing with outright tyrants).

But a real compliment is light, beautiful, said “as if by chance,” and therefore does not oblige the interlocutor to anything. Therefore, its effect is long-lasting, causing a sincere reaction of affection.

For this, there are special techniques such as the “sandwich of lies”, and so on, in which it is worth additional training, overcoming your complexes, embarrassment and unwillingness to adapt. At psychological trainings there is often a funny breakdown when people do not want to “say good things”, preferring the formal language of criticism or statement.

Let's just say that a good compliment emphasizes what the person himself values, what is important to him, characterizes his personality or area of ​​effort.

But how to notice this is a topic for a separate story. This is Coaching.

4. What the security forces don’t like: whining, criticism, ignoring

The weak point of many (but not all) security forces is deepening into the emotional sphere, which implies empathy, observation of the inner world of one’s own and others, analysis of experiences and their causes, moral support and recognition of one’s own mistakes.

Therefore, it is uncomfortable for security forces to listen to other people’s whining, accusations, and family demands. In the classics, security forces love the language of strength, specificity and responsibility, so that there is no need to delve into other people's details. But the language of emotions tires them, they need to break themselves, get into someone else’s world, look at themselves through someone else’s eyes... they don’t agree to this.

Only sometimes and for the sake of the closest people.

Like payment for friendship or family relationships.

But their own emotions are important for security forces! They want to be heard, they want their expectations to be guessed, their experiences understood, their wounds caressed. That is, most of all they want to receive what they themselves cannot give. Therefore, the louder the boss, the quieter and more flexible his wife is (as a rule).

The security forces react very painfully to their ignorance and criticism, which they cannot stand at all, because their status is collapsing. And despite the outward neglect, they very subtly survive other people’s injections (they toss and turn all night )

Communication geniuses know how to turn criticism and clarifying remarks into “almost praise.” For example, a client talks nonsense about a product. An experienced seller wisely listens to the entire tirade (respect), and at the end says: “It’s great that you know subtleties that not all sellers know (compliment). Only in this model everything is arranged a little differently, even better...”

The client was listened to, praised, and now he is ready to listen to us.

This is a top-notch level of service!

5. “Placing” phrases

For conflict and semi-conflict situations, when the client for some reason is irritated or begins to get angry, you can use “cajoling” phrases. Experienced sellers use them intuitively, these are different types of consent and, again, subtle compliments that increase the self-esteem of the aggressor, moving the quarrel into a peaceful direction: “You are absolutely right,” “Only an astute person would notice such an inaccuracy, thank you for your help,” “ It’s good that we have clients like you”, “We will set you as an example for our youth”

At psychological trainings, a good trainer will work with the group until each participant can say something good to the loud idiot completely sincerely, only then will the compliment have an effect and de-escalate the situation. This is how systemic psychology works in human communication - the subconscious is great at recognizing lies in various forms, even well-played ones. But sincere recognition of someone else’s rightness and value cannot be confused with anything. One or two phrases change the client before his eyes.

The client teaches us for free (!) to work better, to conduct business more carefully, and we are grateful to him! It will not be lost on us; you can always learn everywhere and from any person.

6. Speak the same language

Here we will give a short block from the Coaching cycle, which is all aimed at super-understanding and building communication in the right way.

The first principle is to hear what the person is really .

If a cool blonde in a boutique says, “Somehow these shoes look plain,” a good salesperson offers her the same ones, only with roses. And the salesperson who has undergone Coaching hears that the client is dissatisfied with a non-status item. And he will offer the same shoes, only with a fashionable label and twice the price. And the client will shine!

The second principle is the definition of leading values .

For a blonde, fashion is important, for a businessman, solidity, for his grandmother, practicality and versatility. Typically, sellers (negotiators, sales managers) are focused on selling the outstanding qualities of a product and its competitiveness, looking at the market. But there is another layer in the motivation of a particular product - its personal values. Hearing them and converting known qualities in the right direction is Coaching.

Grandmother of a rich businessman: “I want simpler shoes, so that the soles don’t fall off.” The seller, looking at the businessman: “This pair is not cheaper, but here it is Swiss quality, the sole and all seams are guaranteed for 10 years.”

Both status (solidity) and reliability are satisfied with one phrase. The grandmother is satisfied with the quality, and her grandson, who pays money, wants to buy something decent so that he will not be ashamed of a cheap purchase.

The whole trick is to notice the necessary words-criteria in the speech, determine the client’s values ​​behind them and present the product to him in the right light (filter/frame/plane).

7. How to prove yours honestly and dishonestly

Sometimes a client who says or believes complete nonsense needs to be stopped or brought to reason. To do this, you can simply scare him, especially if he does not accept simple arguments. In Coaching, by analogy with rational-emotive therapy, there is such a technique as “dipping into the model of Failure,” when, having determined the client’s leading values, he is offered a ready-made version of a negative future. This sharply makes the interlocutor ready to listen to us, since we have convincingly destroyed “positive illusions.”

Director: “This needs to be done only this way and no other way.”

Subordinate: “Okay... only our colleagues did this and lost 20 thousand.”

It is necessary to cut off “positive illusions” by clearly using the facts, without lying, but the facts must be presented in the same vein as the stated goal. If we talk about reliability, then we discuss unreliability, if we talk about speed, we explain the reasons for slowness, and so on.

The trick is that hope always lives in a person, he is ready to cling to little things in order to retain the picture of the world he needs and impose it on others, if his position allows. If you, as a specialist, see the failure of the imposed algorithm of actions and cannot convince your superiors, you need to use “cutting off a successful future” through a special selection of the necessary counterarguments that will put pressure on the opponent’s leading value.

Your conclusions from what you read:

What did you like about the article? Are you ready to answer the security questions?

They will help put together a picture of the security forces and provide reliable support in communication.

• Why do the security forces maintain a formal frame around themselves?
• What are their guiding values?
• What do they fear most about interacting with other people?
• What can unsettle them for a long time?
• How to properly show respect to tyrants?
• What should you not do when communicating with adequate security forces?
• How do security forces communicate with each other, with whom are they friends?
• Who do the security forces respect and why?
• What were the security forces like in childhood, what is indicative of their youth?

For complete answers, analyze your friends, acquaintances, and relatives who fall under this type. How did they grow towards their success, what were they like at school, how did they differ in communication, how did they react to injustice?

The most important thing in dealing with security forces is respect.

A confident person can afford it!

We wish you success in communication.

Author: Pavel Dyma

How to get rid of addiction to communication

First of all, it is important to recognize that there is a problem.
Further, depending on the nature and situation of communication, reduce the number of “meetings”, change the nature of the correspondence, make it clear to the interlocutor that in addition to virtual life, there is also real life. It is necessary to learn to divide time for communicating on the Internet, doing work, and interacting with “real” people.

Giving up illusions works very effectively. There is no need to expect anything from the interlocutor or virtual communication in general. This is especially true for prolonged communication without a hint of a real meeting.

As a rule, in this case, you can get rid of emotional dependence on your own by reading books, self-development, and increasing your own self-esteem.

Don't insult

If there is an enemy in front of you, kill him, but do not humiliate him or insult him. Insulting is the lot of boors and a camouflage for the weak. Why do we need this? If you cannot afford to be friendly, be formally polite, but do not despise, when conducting business negotiations, do not call the government “rotten” and “anti-people”, appealing for its attention. Call things by their proper names, but don’t call them by their proper names. If you go to negotiations with a government agency as if it were a den full of scoundrels, you won’t succeed, aggression will only breed aggression. Watch your emotions, don’t get excited when denouncing the authorities. A fighter against the “occupation regime” who did not go underground with a machine gun is ridiculous.

Sometimes the authorities need to be punished or intimidated, but then you need to be “on the tank” (at the head of an army of thousands of supporters, with a court decision at the ready, with a mandate in your pocket, etc.). But even in this case, do not insult, do not be like, be noble.

Keep calm and composure

© www.kakprosto.ru One of the most common traits of aggressive, intimidating and controlling people is that they like to deliberately put pressure on a sore spot, pull strings and make you angry. Through this they create an advantage over you and exploit your weakness. The first general rule in the face of a difficult person is to remain calm. The less you react to provocations, the easier it will be for you to cope with the task. When you feel upset or someone is asking you to do something, before you do something you will later regret, take a deep breath and slowly count to ten. In many cases, by the time you've finished counting, you'll have regained your composure and figured out a better answer, so you can make the problem less, rather than worse. If you're still upset after you've counted to ten, if possible, take a timeout and come back to the problem when you've calmed down. If necessary, use the phrases "I'll get back to you..." or "Let me think about it..." to buy time. By maintaining composure, you can conserve more energy to cope with the situation.

Don't hesitate to seek outside help

If you feel like your relationship with a controlling person is completely out of control and you can't agree on your responsibilities, don't hesitate to seek outside help. This means that you need to approach some authority. This could be an older person who works in your organization, or a close relative whom you consider objective and capable of establishing a dialogue between you.

This may be similar to the behavior of a child that you try to avoid as much as possible. But if you haven't been able to make any progress with this person lately and have tried everything, this step may help. Make an appointment with the person you have chosen to mediate and ask for their input to resolve some of the issues you disagree with.

Be competent. Knowledge is power

Lack of awareness of the intricacies of one’s business, unreasoned petition, and inability to formulate a “civil order” are grounds for contempt and inattention on the part of the authorities. If you are despised, you can only count on pity and condescension. Sometimes this works, but it does not create the basis for long-term interaction. Competence is the easiest way to speak “from a position of strength” - the power of knowledge, knowledge greater than that of your opponent. They respect the one who has more, including information, experience, initiatives.

Why do people communicate with each other?

This is not a simple question, no matter how much it might seem to us. Most people think that as a result of our communication, we share information with each other. It is not true!

We attach great importance to words. In essence, words do not perform the function that we assign to them.

Two friends meet, and one says to the other, “How are you doing?” - “Yes, you just can’t imagine, it’s just a nightmare.” - “My boss, it’s just terrible.” The second one says, “Well, I understand you.” - “You can’t be like that.” - “Thank God, you understood me.” - “Apparently, this is our fate.” - “Hold on for now!”

Was there any information in this conversation? But most of our conversations are about nothing.

Informational conversation