The reasons for the loss of intimate desire for her husband - why does the wife not want sex and what should the spouse do?

How to make peace with your wife after a strong quarrel

The first thing that both spouses should know is that the first step towards reconciliation is taken not by the one who is to blame for the quarrel, but by the one who is wiser. In such matters, both are always to blame, since we are talking about relationships. Remember that a tense situation after a conflict affects not only your well-being, but also your children.

To get started, read the general recommendations for reconciliation, regardless of the reasons for the quarrels:

1. Never delay in establishing relationships - otherwise this will lead to the accumulation of even greater grievances and disappointments. Women by nature are prone to overthinking and exaggerating problems.
2. Sincerely ask for forgiveness when you make mistakes. With this action you will once again prove the seriousness of your intentions and responsibility.
3. Compensate for a bad mood after quarrels with increased attention to your wife . Give her compliments, show interest in her, hug her more often. Such signs will allow you to quickly switch to a positive mood.
4. Give small gifts . It is not necessary to buy jewelry, huge bouquets of flowers and other valuable gifts after every quarrel. These can be cute romantic things, symbolic souvenirs, sweets, and memorable gifts.
5. Look for the root of the problem. When the degree of conflict is lowered, you both calm down, try to honestly discuss the problem. Ask what exactly might have offended her, what wrong words or actions you did. Correctly say what you would like to eradicate in the relationship.

A small quarrel

Reconciliation is a difficult step that not everyone is capable of taking due to resentment and pride. Even after a small quarrel, a man may not know what to do right in order to improve the microclimate in his relationship with his wife. It's actually simple, follow the step-by-step instructions:

• take a break to calm down - you both need measures to recover from stress so as not to make even bigger mistakes;
• realize your role in the conflict - understand what exactly led to the quarrel, be able to admit your own wrong actions, otherwise situations will be repeated from time to time;
• choose the right time and place for reconciliation, so that no one and nothing distracts you from the dialogue - it’s good if it’s neutral territory;
• suppress your sense of pride, do not show your character - as a rule, difficulties in asking for forgiveness indicate a not entirely adequate perception of yourself;
• show honesty in communication, if you apologize, do it from the heart - do not tolerate incorrect behavior on her part, loyally point out to her how she could have hurt you;
• know how to take responsibility for your family - you can change any situation for the better with some effort;
• give your wife the opportunity to speak out - accept her position the same way you understand yours, and even if she says unpleasant words, endure it, do not catch her wave of negativity;
• no matter what the quarrel is, do not devalue her feelings - if she says that she was hurt by your words or actions, share her feelings, do not deny them;
• back up all your words and promises with actions - otherwise next time she will be skeptical of any of your words;
• do something nice for her - present flowers, goodies, show tenderness and awe, this will help re-adjust to positive thinking.

Expert opinion
Elena Druzhnikova

Sexologist. Family relations expert. Family psychologist.

Try to discuss any, even petty conflicts soberly. During a constructive conversation, find out what exactly hurt her, what words could have hurt her. Share your experiences, but not in a reproachful manner.

Strong quarrel

If the conflict has been brought to the limit, it can acquire critical proportions, even to the point of assault. In this case, listen to a few practical tips on how to apologize to your wife if you have seriously offended and caused physical pain:

• swear that this was a one-time occurrence and that such behavior will not happen again;
• kneel down, demonstrating that you are ready to sacrifice pride for the sake of forgiveness;
• create as calm an environment as possible in the future without clarifying the relationship;
• do nice things, say compliments, rehabilitate yourself in her eyes;
• demonstrate your repentance, awareness of your guilt, and willingness to change.

In this case, you can listen to all the advice offered in this article. Remember that for most girls, such an act is a clear signal that the relationship should be over. Therefore, there may not be a second chance.

Do you often quarrel with your spouse?

Not really

What to do if a wife refuses intimacy with her husband

Of course, such behavior on the part of the spouse cannot be without reason. Try to figure out what exactly dictates your wife’s reluctance to have intimacy with you. In fact, there may be several options.

Find out the reasons for not wanting to sleep together

The easiest way to clarify this question is to ask your wife directly. Find a good time to talk. This conversation should not begin when you or your spouse are irritated or one of you is feeling tired. In this state of affairs, most likely you will face either a scandal or a crumpled and completely unproductive conversation. It would be most appropriate to invite your spouse to a romantic dinner and raise an issue that concerns you in a relaxed atmosphere. Please note that your conversation should not sound like an interrogation with partiality - in this way, you risk only ruining the evening. After a glass of wine, seeing that your wife is relaxed and happy with the evening, offer to talk about what is bothering you. Immediately explain that you are not making a complaint to her, but just want to understand in which direction you should move so that your family life becomes better and suits both of you. If your spouse is not in the mood for a conversation, do not put pressure on her or show aggression. Drop the topic and don't let this evening end badly. Undoubtedly, your wife will appreciate such a step, and next time she will be more open with you.

Take on all men's responsibilities

Often the reasons why a woman refuses sex with her husband lie on the surface, but the man simply does not want to notice them, quite rightly not seeing the connection between a broken refrigerator and his wife’s reluctance to have intimacy. And yet, it is useful for many husbands to know that if they refuse to take on male responsibilities with enviable regularity, delaying the solution of the problem as much as possible, then, sadly, the woman ceases to see him as a man. As a result, this extends to other areas of life - not just household ones. As soon as you begin to monitor the serviceability of the appliances in the house, do not shirk your wife’s requests and your obvious responsibilities, you will begin to notice how your spouse’s attitude gradually begins to change. As a result, solving your problem may turn out to be much simpler than you think.

Help her in everyday life and with children

For some time now, it has become the custom that some families (mainly at the suggestion of men) have divided responsibilities into male and female. what does it usually look like? A man nails a nail once a season and repairs a junk TV, and a woman devotes several hours of her life every day to cleaning, cooking, washing, ironing, doing homework with the children, and the like. This situation is tolerable when a woman has the status of a housewife, and the man is the only breadwinner in the family. However, such situations often occur in families where husband and wife work almost equally, only the husband rests after work, and the wife “takes over the second shift.” Over time, a woman begins to understand that it is very difficult for her in such a marriage, and begins to think about divorce as “liberation.” For many men, such a problem seems far-fetched, and meanwhile, more and more women feel unhappy and tired, and, accordingly, in this situation it is quite difficult to be inflamed with passion for their spouse.

Make her feel loved and wanted

Let your beloved woman, being next to you, feel that she once married you for a reason, and now she is as desirable to you as at the very beginning of the relationship. How to achieve this? First of all, do not forget about compliments, which many husbands begin to neglect over time in their family life. Pay attention if your wife has a new hairstyle or simply styled her hair in an unusual way; if she smells of pleasant perfume; talk about how beautiful her smile and eyes are (this is nice to hear not only in the initial stages of dating). In general, compliment not only her culinary skills, as often happens in marriage - “The borscht was especially successful today,” “The meat was well baked,” “What a lush pie!” and so on - but also her appearance. Even if you don’t notice any special changes in your wife, say nice words to her - this can become a great motivation for her to become better and more beautiful, because she will know that “her husband notices.”

Give compliments and flowers

Compliments have already been mentioned, but this is precisely the topic that requires especially close attention, and it should not be remembered in passing, but learned well - it is really very important for a woman to hear words of admiration from a man. Have you ever thought about how a lover usually appears in the life of a woman? It often looks like this: the wife is tired of everyday life and has not felt attention and delight from her husband for a long time. All their topics come down to children, food, cleaning. taking out the trash, repairs and other topics devoid of any romance. Then a “small miracle” happens in a woman’s life: a certain man tells her that she has luxurious hair or eyes “the color of cornflowers.” From that moment on, she begins to think about these words, about this man - she remembers that she is not only a caring mother, wife and housewife, but also a woman who can evoke romantic thoughts in a man. If she has enough romance and family life, then she will simply ignore any characteristic of her smile, eyes and melodic laughter.

Give your beloved woman flowers, make unusual surprises for her, talk about how loved and desired she is, pay attention to changes in appearance, express delight, say kind words, and you will become the best man for her, Whom it is impossible not to desire.

Pleasantly surprise her in bed with new caresses or positions

Over time, the fulfillment of marital duty for many couples becomes somehow mechanical. Everything goes according to a “knurled pattern”, and takes a minimum amount of time or looks rather monotonous. Each sexual act is similar to the previous one, and practically does not cause any trepidation in both the husband and wife. You are quite capable of correcting this situation. Please note that new experiments should not be started when the wife collapses after a hard day at work. It’s best to arrange a romantic evening for the two of you, relax with a glass of wine, “warm up” the woman with affectionate words, and only then get down to business.

This evening, make a point for yourself - first of all, you want to please your wife in bed. Surely, during your married life you have managed to study the erogenous zones of your beloved. Now you can experience new caresses in these areas by first watching an erotic film (choose a project that is popular with the female audience). You can also read relevant literature or ask your beloved if she has any fantasies in this regard. Experiment with the pose, but this night should not be like a beginner acrobat's course - you should not try many innovations at once, in such conditions it is quite difficult for a woman to concentrate and begin to enjoy the process.

Psychologist's advice

Sometimes professional help is needed when dealing with grievances. Experts give some advice on how to make peace with your wife:

• Apologizing once is enough. Do not remember the details of the conflict, otherwise you will provoke a new one.
• Give your wife time to move away from the haunting thoughts of cheating.
• If you don't feel responsible for the situation, there is no need to ask for forgiveness.

And if you feel guilty, just accept it and try to quickly resolve the conflict and settle the quarrel. This will protect the family from serious misunderstandings in the future.

My wife is constantly offended

Evgeniy, good afternoon.

You write that your wife is very active, she will always say what she is dissatisfied with, and in your opinion she is very often offended.

You define yourself with the words: I am also very stubborn.

As a result, you often argue and this gives you the feeling that there is some kind of painful relationship in the family.

Perhaps you are right and this style of communication causes quite a lot of misunderstanding.

You write that at one point your wife simply stops smiling, stops paying attention, and doesn’t say anything. He only says yes or no. At these moments I already know that she is offended by something. According to your words, before she didn’t say at all what she was offended by and only after a couple of days you managed to find out the information. You see this as progress, and I completely agree with that.

Only at the beginning of the letter you described your wife as saying that she will always say what she is dissatisfied with. There is some kind of contradiction here or you are used to missing her requests, and she then moves on to the second step in order to still attract your attention.

When one person punishes another by ignoring and remaining silent, not speaking for 2 days to 2 weeks, then such behavior causes great tension in the partner. Or rather, tension arises in both and the second seems to live under the pressure of guilt, where he himself must guess what is to blame and mysteriously correct the mistake.

It is probably difficult for your wife to understand that in this way she does not improve the situation in any way, but it seems that another method is not yet available to her. It is useless to be offended by your wife for this, since she most likely does not even notice how she does it. You have already made progress, which means you are on the right path. You need to be patient and consistently convey to your wife that you expect timely requests and explanations from her in such a form that they are understandable and memorable to you, that you can refuse her request if you are not ready to fulfill it and that this is normal in a relationship. Be sure to say that you cannot guess about her desires from her silence, and that not all of her desires can be realized. You write that you are always the first to start a conversation, trying to somehow explain and defuse the situation. In such cases, it is advisable to communicate your feelings, but under no circumstances say that you cannot be offended. If she is already offended, then it is possible. It’s just advisable to understand and discuss your grievances. And if she wants you to understand something and change, then for this you need to change the habit of silence and be ready to accept refusal.

In essence, silent ignoring can, of course, be called manipulation, but if in a person’s arsenal of behavior there are no other available and habitual ways to cope with dissatisfaction, then he does it unintentionally. For example, in childhood she was treated this way, and now she transfers similar behavior to you.

All that remains is to calmly negotiate, negotiate and negotiate again, understanding that each of you has every right to your feelings. Of course, it’s worth listening, but this can only be done when the other person is in dialogue with you. You are asking how to react not to her insults. It is advisable to calmly and be sure to inform her that her silence also offends and irritates you. In such situations, dialogue is impossible. Naturally, this does not make it possible to plan family affairs and budget.

If you notice a pattern that such silent strikes happen before guests arrive or in similar situations, then it makes sense to draw your wife’s attention to this. Perhaps her tension and irritation are not associated with you at all, but with anxiety before some meetings or events. She’s just very worried and worried, she can’t cope with the excitement and you “fall under the hot hand.” Maybe she doesn't want to see certain guests, or these guests behave in your home in a way that makes your wife feel insecure, unnecessarily anxious and nervous. This definitely needs to be discussed in a calm atmosphere.

You can also read an article on my website about working with couples https://psycholog-birykova.ru/troye-v-lodke-ne-schitaya-psikhologa-chto-vazhno-v-rabote-s-parami

Invite your wife to get acquainted with it too and discuss what each of you saw as important in her.

I wish you clarity of thoughts and feelings, harmony with yourself and mutual understanding in your couple.

Why is my work colleague constantly offended?
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As many people say, if you didn’t give it, then suffer alone. Why are so many families falling apart today? The answer is simple: there is no mutual understanding, there is no mutual desire. You just got bored or the bustle of life (being) took away all the beauty and romance. Well, where to go from this existence, what to do to actually become a happy person. Most likely you need to look deep into yourself. Change something inside yourself and then everything will go uphill and everything will work out. And romance and passion and great desire... Everything will come back, you just need the right priorities, they need to be valued and respected, you can’t play with feelings. And then you won't sit alone like a fool. Let's talk about one question - why does the Wife deny her husband sex? How often do you hear from men “My wife won’t let me, I don’t understand the reason, I don’t know what to do”... Is it possible to reason with her? To begin with, I would like to give you one parable. From the life of animals. From the sex life of gorillas. They, one male and five females, were observed by biologists for several years. And they noticed: some representatives of the weaker monkey sex often and persistently offer sex to the male, feigning an extreme degree of readiness. At the same time, the one who is already pregnant is the most active - she clings to her “husband,” the father of her unborn child. Why, one might ask, if the goal has already been achieved and continuation of the family line is ensured? And then, it turns out, so that the male is not distracted by other females. According to scientists, this behavior became a harbinger of monogamy in humans. The point of the parable: even monkeys understand that a male needs sex, that it strengthens the family. But some human people don’t understand this. “I’m tired - my head hurts - I want to sleep” Sexless - psychologists use this term to designate a disgusting phenomenon that has struck both Western and Russian society. Namely, the lack of regular sexual intercourse between spouses. It happens, of course, that husbands deprive their wives of intimate attention. But more often than not, women refuse intimacy. And men, tormented by their libido, hear: “I’m tired - my head hurts - I want to sleep.” Or a completely offensive one: “Where did you go?” Psychologists have found the answer. But you won't believe how simple and straightforward it is. The author of one song sings the following words: “You refused me three times, that’s how you are…” An amazing experiment was conducted by a sex therapist from Australia, Bettina Arndt. She asked 98 men and women (spouses) to keep anonymous diaries of their intimate lives for a year. And tell them the pure truth. Having received what she wanted, the researcher wrote an entire book, “Why Women Quit Sex and Other Battles in the Bedroom.” Bettina did not make the shocking discovery that there were many reasons. And they are usually different for everyone. But I still came across a few common ones. First: for some reason, most wives believe that sex should only happen when, where and how they want. But at the same time they do not communicate their thoughts to their husbands. And they simply refuse. Like, you have to understand it yourself. But he, the goat, doesn’t understand. And he climbs. And he gets offended even later. In other words, wives make their husbands guilty of untimely advances. And they themselves are offended by them - such is women’s logic. And this resentment, in turn, becomes a reason for refusal... Second: the wife holds some kind of grudge against her husband, even a very small one: for example, he didn’t take out the garbage, didn’t ask how she was doing at work, said nasty things to his mother-in-law . And, sulking, he “punishes” with deprivation of intimacy. But again, it doesn't tell the reason for the sex strike. They are silent as a log. But even when they say the same notorious “I’m tired - my head hurts - I want to sleep,” many women omit the details. Or maybe they really had a hard day at work. And they are so preoccupied with her that there is no room for thoughts about sex in their heads. But dear readers, what is the conclusion: the bedroom is not a battlefield for psychics, and husbands are not clever telepaths. They need to explain it in detail. And don’t let things get to the point of deep grievances. No need for romance, better go straight to bed. “I love my wife,” someone says, essentially confirming the conclusion of the Australian researcher. – I want a wife all the time, although we have been together for 20 years. But she doesn’t have me. And all the conversations on this topic yield nothing. He doesn’t go to the doctor: “I’m not sick!” I’m physically healthy – porn turns me on, but knowing this, it doesn’t allow me to turn it on. And nothing helps: we go on vacation, go to restaurants, and go to dances - there’s more than enough romance...” Bettina explains that passion, or even elementary lust, which pushes newlyweds into each other’s arms, cannot last forever. Moreover, it manifests itself equally in both spouses. Yes, even after many years. The production of sexual hormones responsible for it - passion - fades away in about 18 months. The researcher has found the most primitive production enhancer - sex. But how can you be “treated” by sex if it doesn’t exist?! Very simple, says Bettina. I can’t through it. Through “tired - headache - want to sleep.” A woman must realize the harmfulness of sexless, understand how painful it is for a loving husband and destructive for the family. And do not refuse, always agree when your husband asks. Unless, of course, she was overcome by an attack of appendicitis.