The statistics are relentless, especially when it comes to adultery. In Russia, almost 75% of men have cheated on their legal spouse at least once with another woman. The fair sex turned out to be more conscientious - among women only 25% were unfaithful. Every wife intuitively understands whether her husband has a mistress, because representatives of the stronger sex reveal themselves too clearly. You can identify a cheater by several signs.
Changes in behavior2
Many men, when cheating on their significant other, experience a strong feeling of guilt. In order to somehow whiten themselves in front of their wife, they begin to give gifts, delight with surprises and do what the woman asked a month ago. The man started bringing flowers for no reason, which meant he had a mistress. And this is not a stereotype, but a fact based on the experience of millions of families.
Other young men, on the contrary, begin to criticize their woman and constantly find fault with her. This is due to the irritation that his constant companion causes him. He compares her to his mistress and sees obvious shortcomings. He is infuriated by the way his wife walks, sits, speaks, how she breathes, what hairstyle she does. If a woman has not previously noticed such behavior, then this may indicate betrayal.
If earlier in the relationship there were constant conflicts and scandals associated with the husband’s dissatisfaction, and he abruptly stopped showing them, this also indirectly indicates infidelity. He simply doesn’t care whether his wife washed the dishes or ironed his shirt before work, since his thoughts are occupied by another woman who is devoid of such shortcomings.
Attentiveness and intuition will help you notice such changes. If emotions sometimes interfere with making the right choice, then observation and listening to your sixth sense never do.
What do you want in the future
You know that your husband has a mistress, and if you still have not made a decision about your future behavior, then you are at a crossroads.
Our article “should you forgive your husband for cheating” will help you make a decision.
On the one hand, you are not ready to tolerate his adventures and betrayals, on the other hand, something keeps you close to him. It is very important to understand the reasons in order to make a sober decision.
You need to focus on your thoughts and desires. After all, this is your life, and it is up to you to live with the consequences of your choice:
- or try to forgive the traitor;
- or start all over again.
So cut out all the extra stuff that might be confusing. The opinions of your friends and relatives, public condemnation, colleagues discussing your personal life.
And you shouldn’t maintain the appearance of a family just for the sake of the children. It will be difficult for them to survive a divorce, but it will be even more difficult for them to see the wrong family behavior pattern. This way the parents will have a chance for a happy marriage, and this will make the kids happy.
Sometimes you can postpone leaving your husband if you are currently financially dependent on him. Pregnancy and maternity leave are difficult in themselves, and if you also go through a divorce with the division of property, beg for alimony and work part-time in the evenings, you can seriously undermine your health and harm your children.
“Relationships” with gadgets4
Everyone has long been accustomed to the fact that modern people take their phone with them even to the restroom for no reason. Therefore, this fact alone cannot indicate infidelity. But if a man is openly afraid to leave his phone next to his wife, gets nervous when she picks it up, and does not allow her to answer any calls, this indicates that he has something to hide.
You can notice with an unfaithful man that he began to correspond more often in instant messengers and spends a long time on the phone. He becomes embarrassed and changes his tone of voice if his wife suddenly enters the room during his conversation (this occurs only among men who are conscientious and inexperienced in terms of cheating). He talks in another room so that his wife doesn’t hear, etc.
The same goes for the computer. People don't have to see each other every day to maintain a relationship. Correspondence by email or on social networks can be noticed by the wife, so the man abruptly closes the browser tabs if his wife is nearby, limits her access to the computer, or even buys her a new one (especially if he feels guilty).
What to do if your husband has a young mistress
Very often, betrayal occurs at an older age, about 40 years. Feeling that better years have passed, men often rush headlong into relationships with young girls. This is how they assert themselves and try to prolong their youth.
You need to understand the reasons for his behavior and your attitude towards it. Businessmen often exchange their faithful wife for a young beauty for the sake of status. They can use their mistress only as a companion, preserving the marriage. Or they can get a divorce to start a “new life”.
With a young mistress, he himself becomes younger.
People change with age, and often spouses begin to diverge in interests and leisure. The wife prefers to take care of the children, household chores, and sit in front of the TV. And the husband remains cheerful even after 50. He gets bored sitting on the couch, and finds a companion more suitable for his interests. It just happens and you shouldn’t blame anyone, because you simply turned out to be unsuitable for each other.
Most often, couples who have lived with each other for more than thirty years do not break up due to infidelity. They are already accustomed to each other and living together. Starting something serious from scratch is exhausting, and it’s harder to do it alone.
Many wives allow their husbands to cheat if he hides it well from both his wife and their mutual friends.
In other families, the issue is resolved differently - the couple enters into an open relationship. They live together, they help and support each other, but everyone has the right to meet other people. This is only possible with mutual consent.
Changes in bed6
The irony of fate: even if there is more sex, the spouse may not be in a hurry to rejoice. Among unfaithful husbands, there are two extremes: either making amends to his wife in bed, or completely cooling off towards her. A man may suddenly offer new positions, or do something that he has not done before, but that you asked for. At the same time, it is noticeable that he becomes less resilient. In other cases, representatives of the stronger sex simply do not react to their wife, coming up with ridiculous excuses like: “My head hurts.”
Reasons for male infidelity
The reasons for male infidelity can be as different as each person is individual. The most common motives for adultery are:
- The desire to get rid of negative emotions. When a man encounters only discontent, reproaches and complaints from his wife, he develops a stable state of stress. The easiest way to get rid of tension and get positive emotions is to have sex on the side. The husband gets a permanent mistress who does not express dissatisfaction and does not provoke conflicts.
- Thirst for thrills. Most often, a lack of adrenaline occurs due to the daily routine, which includes a calm flow of life without variety.
- Mature age. When a man reaches adolescence, around age 40, he begins to look back, asking questions about his achievements. If he has low self-esteem, reinforced by the fact that he has not achieved success either in his career or in his family life, and his dreams have not come true, and his health is no longer the same, a desire to assert himself comes. With the help of outside relationships, a husband can prove to himself and others that he is still young and capable of much.
- Psychological trauma. Often a man begins to subconsciously take revenge on all women in the person of his wife due to childhood psychological trauma. The reason could be his mother’s disrespectful attitude towards his father, that is, in childhood the boy often witnessed reproaches and abuse. Also, an unsuccessful sexual experience or a strong resentment towards a girl in adolescence can become a motivating precedent.
- Cheating wife. If the wife has been convicted of infidelity, the husband in this way balances his position, restoring his dignity.
- Unsatisfactory sex. Despite his love for his wife, differences in temperament and routine during intimacy can lead to the husband seeking satisfaction with another woman.
READ Testing fidelity: effective methods of exposure
A woman intuitively begins to understand changes in a relationship, but since she needs to find out whether her husband actually has a mistress, this requires confirmation with facts.
Sports activities10
This is one of the most common factors by which you can recognize whether there is a mistress. Going to the gym is very convenient for a cheater. Firstly, he improves his physical shape so that the new lady will like him (even if previously all his exercise was limited to a quick walk from the kitchen to the sofa). Secondly, under the pretext of training, he may stay late after work, leave home in the evening, etc. Especially the zeal for an active lifestyle should alert the wives of lazy men who prefer relaxing in a comfortable chair to active walks.
How to behave when you find out about her
Every deceived wife needs to know what to do and how to behave correctly if her husband unexpectedly takes a mistress. Cheating can occur when the wife is in her most vulnerable position, such as after childbirth or illness. At such a moment, a woman needs the support of a man, so an affair on the side becomes a painful blow when it is not always possible to draw the right conclusions and reason sensibly.
READ How you can forgive your husband for cheating and find the strength to move on
You should not seek to take revenge on your spouse in the same way, since such relationships only cause emptiness, but not satisfaction. Also, there is no need to hatch cruel plans for revenge against your mistress - this is an extra irritating factor that will contribute to the worsening of the stressful condition. A psychologist’s advice in such a situation involves developing an adequate attitude towards betrayal, which is expressed in three basic rules:
- Calmness and common sense. The main task in the current circumstances is to save face. It is worth discussing the situation extremely correctly, without threats and insults, without raising your voice.
- As a rule, there is no one person to blame for treason, so you need to admit and accept your part of the guilt as a given. A re-evaluation of intra-family relationships will make it possible to understand what pushed a married man to take such a step.
- Understand your desires. Before making a final decision, you need to realize for yourself the need to continue family relationships and preserve the family. If the resentment is too strong and you are not ready to forgive the infidelity, the relationship can turn into torture for both.
It doesn’t matter how you managed to identify your mistress, what matters is how to treat this fact later: accept it or leave.
Having soberly assessed the situation, you need to start by asking how you want to solve the problem:
- Let go. If there is an understanding that the other woman will remain invisibly between you forever, and you will not be able to forgive completely, it is better to end the relationship at this stage.
- Forgive. It is necessary to take into account that married men who are forgiven for systematic affairs reason something like this: “I can freely make my choice, my wife, of course, will forgive.”
- Return at any cost. It is possible to bring your husband back into the family. But what is this for: to show your superiority over your mistress or to prove something to yourself? It is important to understand whether in the future you will be able not to torment yourself with doubts, thinking about whether your husband is at work or spending time with his next mistress.
READ How to forgive a guy for cheating and is it worth doing?
Paradoxical as it may seem, an effective method for getting out of the situation is to pay attention to yourself and your own aspirations. In addition, an important resource is the awareness of one’s uniqueness and value as an individual. The problematic nature of the situation lies in the fact that the main thoughts are directed deeper into the problem and introspection, to search for causes. Such “soul-searching” only provokes an apathetic mood and reluctance to act.
You can improve your relationship by starting to make your desires come true, realizing your dreams that you have been putting off for a long time. When you restore your whole personality, getting rid of negative emotions and letting go of the situation little by little, the chances of your husband returning to the family will only increase.
Changes in the car11
A man's favorite car is a source of pride. They especially love to show them off in front of women. If he starts going to the car wash frequently, and the car suddenly becomes perfectly clean, this may indicate a desire to amaze someone. Probably a woman.
A differently configured or completely unfolded passenger seat next to the driver, women's hair, the smell of women's perfume in the car - all this indirectly indicates the presence of a passion that is carried in this car.
There will definitely be a few strange things in your husband's car if he has a mistress. These could be ladies' cigarettes, cosmetics items, small accessories and other seemingly harmless items.
To be fair, some of these changes don't always indicate cheating. The disclosure must be approached comprehensively in order to find out for sure whether there is a mistress.
Initial data
To begin with, you must understand one simple thing - you can take some action only when you are 100% sure that your husband has a mistress. Guesses, premonitions, rumors or hints - all this is not suitable for making any benefits.
If you have any doubts, study the article “how to prove your husband’s infidelity” to get irrefutable evidence of infidelity. Only then will you be able to develop a plan and strictly follow it, without being distracted by hopes and assumptions.
Wives, having learned that their husbands have a mistress, seem to blame themselves for what happened. Society instills this in them, justifying the male part of the population.
But you should immediately remove any stigma of guilt from yourself - if a husband takes a mistress, this is solely his decision. In a loving relationship, a man and women discuss problems and look for compromises, rather than cheating behind their backs.
Your husband's betrayal is not your fault, but his decision.
So make decisions about your future without any unnecessary emotional suffering. No pity, concessions, self-torture. Just evaluate how you want to continue living - with him or alone. Any option is acceptable, the main thing is that it suits you.
Rule two: don't mess with fools
This applies exclusively to your lovers. The fool will inevitably ruin everything: he will come to your birthday party, call your wife and swear at her, blab about your relationship to the whole world, in short, pull some kind of trick. Even if things don’t go to such extremes, the fool simply won’t be able to support your complex conspiracy game. The same applies to women with unstable psyches - well, to hell with them! In addition, you should not get involved with girls who are too young (under 20 years old) - they can be absolutely unpredictable.
In the case of your wife, everything is strictly the opposite - the smarter, cooler and more observant she is, the more difficult it will be for you to mislead her and the more difficult your task.
We choose the right tactics of behavior so as not to harm the career of the traitor
The news of adultery literally pulls the rug out from under your feet. Deceived wives are ready to destroy everything in their path, just to take revenge on their unfaithful spouse. And fooled husbands think only about how to settle scores with their missus’ lover. These emotions are completely justified and inevitable in the first, so to speak, shock days. What should you do first? Give yourself time to calm down so you can think rationally. Sex with a work colleague is a real betrayal for which there is no forgiveness, but you don’t need to get into a fever so that you don’t regret what you did later.
One of the most difficult situations is when a wife cheated on her husband at work with her boss. Why did she do this - does she want to move up her career ladder, did she cut herself some slack at a corporate event, or does she admire him as a man? In each of the listed options, the actions were intentional, so the reasons should be looked even deeper. Perhaps you have stopped paying attention to your significant other, are unable to provide for her financially, or are not satisfying her in bed. Psychologists say that both are to blame for treason. Sit down with your spouse at the negotiating table and find out whether your marriage can be saved?
It’s another matter if the boss forces you to have sex. Cheating at work, committed under the influence of threats or blackmail, is different from intentional betrayal. Think about why your spouse didn’t turn to you for help and followed the despot’s lead? The desire to maintain a position is a weak excuse. You can always change your job, if only you have the desire. If you love your wife, make an effort to solve her problems - this will perfectly complement the “right” blow to the offender’s jaw.
The consequences of adultery rarely depend on who was chosen as a lover - a work colleague or a fitness trainer. If a person is looking for entertainment on the side, it means that he is not satisfied with the marriage. It happens that a woman falls madly in love with another, without good reason. But this is rare, much more often you want to sit on two chairs, because the new chosen one has everything that is missing in his own husband. Men mostly have mistresses because the wife becomes a house mouse. Therefore, before blaming your other half for betrayal, start by analyzing your own attitude towards marriage.
Let's start with the first and foremost rule: control your feelings.
You can treat your lover(s) as tenderly as you like, but there is one thing you cannot allow yourself: to truly fall in love. The lover is defenseless, his feelings are written on his forehead, he is incapable of conspiracy, and conspiracy is useless: you can’t hide an awl in a bag. Also, your wife may forgive you for an affair, but it is unlikely that she will forgive anything more serious. All this smells of scandal and divorce. Do you need it?
It can be difficult to comply with this rule, but still there is always a moment when you can still stop and not get involved in a story that is fraught with disaster.
What to do if your husband cheated and his wife took revenge on him in kind
It's easy to give advice and talk about cheating when everything is going well in your life.
To the average person, yes, but psychologists do this based on deep knowledge of human cognition, studies of behavior and relationships. Therefore, it will be useful for everyone to listen to the recommendations of experts. Unfortunately, it often happens that a devoted woman wants to take revenge and for this she is interested in how to take away a married man or, more simply, find a random lover. For example, you can realize your revenge by using a work colleague, or even a friend of your husband (to make it more painful). You can strike up virtual love and take revenge on your husband with strong emotional and spiritual affection. There are a lot of options, but is it worth it?
Remember that everyone can make mistakes. It’s another matter when the husband has been leading a double life for many years and is not going to make a choice. But there are often cases when an unfaithful husband understands that he made a mistake, offended him and tries in every possible way to correct the situation and save the family. If this is mutual, you should not go to great lengths, but direct your efforts to restoring and strengthening the marriage.
In any case, no matter what decision you come to, revenge and humiliation are not an option. Believe me, retribution for an affair with a married man is a matter of higher intelligence, and not the result of self-humiliation, which is inevitable in the case of revenge. Moreover, it is possible that the homewrecker colleague also has a husband. In this case, her punishment may well be the same result as in my situation - when my husband does not want me after cheating or wants a divorce.
Where to run
Based on one of the signs, you are unlikely to be able to determine or find out that a guy is cheating on you. It is very difficult to find out whether your man is dating someone else or not. Remember that unnecessary suspicions and accusations can play a cruel joke on you.
One of my clients was outrageously jealous. She couldn't stand the presence of a girl next to her boyfriend, even at work. And she silenced him so much at one point that he simply ran away from her. Surely your boyfriend loves you and is just going through a difficult period in his life, so he spends less time at home and often takes out his anger on you.
But preventing the appearance of a rival is entirely in your hands. I bring to your attention the article “How to be a better mistress” and Irina Korchagina’s book “Prevention of Cheating.”
What signs have you noticed in your man? What seems suspicious to you? Have you ever cheated yourself?
Love and trust each other. I wish you a good day!
