Tyranny in the family is a complex topic in family relationships, which the woman herself can change. Being inside the situation, sometimes a woman may not realize that fate has connected her with a tyrant husband. Therefore, you should learn to identify such a man and decide what to do next. For a tyrant, a wife is a victim, to whom he will convince her that she is wrong in all matters of life. A tyrant husband feels great if his wife experiences insecurity, which allows him to manipulate her. He will definitely blame his companion for his failures, both big and small.
Often at a psychologist’s appointment, when the conversation turns to domestic violence, women mean physical violence. However, along with physical, moral violence causes no less trouble, which is difficult for women.
Types of behavior of a tyrant husband
Psychologists note two types of tyrannical behavior:
– the first type includes men who were unable to realize themselves in the business sphere. Husbands who have not been able to find their purpose at work can easily “try on” the role of a leader at home. They tell their loved ones what to do, constantly criticizing them. Such men want to emphasize their status in every possible way, because they are the head of the family. In turn, they expect total worship from family members;
– the second type includes men who have childish complexes. Complexes of this kind are often associated with resentment towards parents and classmates. The remaining childish complex inside forces the man to hold on to a dominant position. This is due to the fact that the “child” inside the man is afraid of being offended in advance. This type of man constantly causes showdowns and scandals; they are present everywhere: at home, at a party, in the supermarket. This happens because in this state he feels protected.
Signs of a tyrant husband
Below are the most common signs of a tyrant. So, you can classify your husband as a tyrant if:
– he likes to put his wife in a dependent position, be it emotional or material;
– speaks discourteously about the wife’s relatives and friends, and also does his best to limit her communication with her friends and wants the wife to give all her time and attention, preferably to him;
– likes to criticize women’s manner of speaking, dressing, putting on makeup, and laughing;
- over time, it becomes virtually impossible to please her husband; she is constantly being criticized: she sat down wrong, stood up wrong, didn’t add salt to the food or over-salted it, talks too quietly or loudly;
– the husband likes to make fun of his wife, and if he hears that this is unpleasant for his wife, he tries to convince her that there is nothing wrong in his actions, but her perception is very critical due to increased sensitivity and lack of a sense of humor;
– a man allows himself to humiliate and insult a woman with obscene words, forcing her to feel endlessly guilty about everything;
– after any conflict, the husband always blames his wife, and if the man did something wrong, then it is the wife who is to blame;
– the man is not responsible for his words. He rarely keeps promises, but demands the exact opposite from a woman;
– day after day lowers a woman’s self-esteem, claiming that no one else will need her except him;
– the husband has an addiction to gambling, alcohol or drugs;
– the husband likes to take out his anger on his wife, bring her to emotions, bringing her to tears, such a head of the family does not know how to ask and talk, he demands, shouts and forces;
– he does not see a woman as a person and believes that she should live only in his interests;
– the husband is able to raise his hand against his wife, without feeling remorse, because he believes that the woman herself brought him to this;
- such a man is jealous harshly and groundlessly, humiliating and insulting, punishing for something that his wife did not even do;
– he is jealous of his wife’s successes and hobbies; he cannot psychologically tolerate her being more successful than him;
– does not allow the spouse to show personal dissatisfaction, while suppressing her with her voice, suppressing all attempts to express an opinion;
– the husband does not allow him to use the family budget independently;
- he constantly reminds who is in charge in the house, and what place in it is reserved for a woman;
– a woman is often afraid of her husband, trying to predict his mood, so as not to accidentally fall under the hot hand.
Why does an ex-husband insult his ex-wife after a divorce?
This “unresolvable” dispute can continue after the divorce. Having failed to come to an agreement in their life together, the spouses experience a feeling of dissatisfaction and incompleteness of the conversation.
The hostility towards each other that arose during marriage cannot go away - resentment, the desire to humiliate, insult cannot simply disappear after a stamp of divorce.
In men this is expressed more strongly - a feeling of humiliation and wounded pride force him to continue to “assert himself” after the divorce. A false sense of humiliated pride pushes the ex-spouse to new “exploits.”
At this time, a compelling and significant reason is needed so that the former family man can “let go” of his partner, forget, try to understand and forgive past grievances.
Each spouse should strive to “switch”, using various objective circumstances: new attachments, work, hobbies, household arrangements (repairs, construction of a summer house), sports. If you have children, the desire to look decent in their eyes, as well as working on yourself, will help you cope with “wrong” emotions.
Tyrant husband - advice from a psychologist
Whether it makes sense to continue living with a tyrant husband is, of course, only women can decide. But it won’t hurt all the ladies to think: is it worth ruining their lives for the sake of such a man?
If the husband is a tyrant, then he is a subtle psychologist and a real “chameleon”. During the first date, it is difficult to recognize a tyrant in a man. Outwardly, he looks like an exemplary family man: caring, courageous, strong, generously giving, loving and appreciating his chosen one. He strives to quickly take on his beloved responsibility and after a short time calls for marriage. The girl falls in love with such an ardent boyfriend, not paying attention to the first alarm bells.
How to behave with a tyrant husband? It is quite difficult to leave such a man. He will not let go of his “victim” easily. In each specific case, it is necessary to take into account the type of tyrant.
Conventionally, tyrants are divided into those who:
– controls everything;
– insults and humiliates;
- opens his arms.
Controlling tyrant. Such a man is characterized by endless questions: “What did you do? Why was you delayed and didn’t call on time? Where were you? This is not the entire list of questions to which the wife must give a constant report. And if a woman cannot get in touch in a timely manner or avoids answering, then a scandal will occur in the family. A controlling tyrant constantly torments his chosen one with jealousy and prohibits communication with any men, including classmates, neighbors, brothers, and acquaintances. Some friends are also blacklisted and will be ordered to stop communicating with them.
Over time, even this will not seem enough for the husband, and he will begin to periodically check his phone, social networks, read SMS, and monitor calls. It is important for him to keep his wife’s life under control; nothing should escape his eyes. With picky insistence, the husband begins to check his wife’s makeup, hairstyle, and outfits. He is not happy when his wife looks attractive to other men.
Humiliating tyrant. This type is endlessly insulting and humiliating. He prefers to assert himself at the expense of his wife’s low self-esteem. Caustic remarks, hurtful words, insults, and verbal humiliation are common manifestations in family life. With undisguised pleasure, the tyrant husband will poke his wife into her shortcomings, pointing out her constant mistakes. It will be difficult to please him, and sometimes even impossible. He will always find something to complain about and point out to a woman: she made up too brightly or unnoticed, she over-salted the dish, she dressed tastelessly, she didn’t immediately respond to an SMS, she didn’t show herself well in bed, and so on.
Humiliation does not always occur in a pretentious or aggressive form; they can be done in a playful manner with the smile of a moral “sadist” on his face.
The husband is a tyrant, spreading his hands. This type of tyrant is the most terrible, because a man, without thinking about the consequences, can easily raise his hand against his wife for no apparent reason, for example, the wife looked the wrong way, said the wrong thing, or simply remained silent. Such a man does not feel guilty about himself, believing that his wife asked for it and deserved such treatment by her behavior.
Tyrant husbands are often addicted to alcoholic beverages, which worsens family life and contributes to physical violence. Often a tyrant husband combines within himself a mixture of two or three of the above types.
If a woman notices the above-described signs in her partner’s behavior, this should prompt her to think: is she a victim of psychological and physical terror.
Does a husband beat his wife or children and make threats? - Run!
If your husband beats you, strangles you, throws objects, if the tyrant raised his hand to you at least once - run! Even if he apologizes and promises to improve, don’t believe it! And even more so if he thinks that he is hitting “for the cause”, or says that it was you who provoked him (pushed him). Although they are very close from an apology to confidence in their innocence... Do not flatter yourself with empty hopes - such people do not improve! Don’t think that you can improve relationships with concessions or influence him with your love, don’t listen to his words about love - they’re just words. And it is dangerous for you to be around such a person !
If a tyrant does not touch you, but mocks a child - raises him with beatings and humiliation, then this is not a reason to endure and relax - in this case, you need to run even faster, because injuries received in childhood (and the younger - the worse) cause much greater damage to the psyche of a defenseless child than the injuries you received. But the child cannot do anything - he depends on you. If you are pregnant, then this applies to you too.
I emphasize about children, because I often come across cases when a woman tolerates a tyrant for one reason or another and turns a blind eye to what he does to the child. In my opinion, the health of a child is something that is more important than our feelings and fears and is a sufficient reason to run away without hesitation. You are a mother - he believes you, and you are responsible for him, and a mother can move mountains for the sake of her beloved child!
I cannot physically help you or even advise you what to do personally if your husband beats you, but I can tell you where you can go for help. Good news for you - every victim of domestic tyranny has the opportunity to get real legal, psychological and even financial help! Often women do not know their rights or opportunities and endure an unbearable situation for years, because they do not see any way out and do not know where to turn.
Almost every city has special centers to help women who are victims of domestic violence, where you can safely turn, and in large cities these centers are located in every district. Their addresses and telephone numbers can be easily found on the Internet at the request of a crisis center, a center for assistance to victims of violence, a center for social assistance to families and children. If your husband beats you, humiliates you, threatens you, or otherwise terrorizes you, and you have nowhere to escape and no one to protect you, feel free to contact the crisis center! It is for such cases that these centers were created.
What to do if your husband is a tyrant
Often, women, due to low self-esteem, do not try to change the situation and leave their husband who does not suit them. So they live for years with their husband, a tyrant and despot. Most people easily condemn such ladies for their weakness of will, but often in practice the situation turns out to be difficult to painlessly break the connection once and for all. And there are many reasons for this. Initially, the problem is that the tyrant chooses as a companion a chosen one without ambitions, calm, focused on marriage, household chores and creating family comfort. He really gives the girl everything at the beginning of the relationship. A despotic man looks after her very beautifully, skillfully creates a picture of an ideal person, bestows gifts, fulfills wishes, and indulges women’s whims. Corresponds 100% to the image of a passionate lover and standard spouse.
Gradually, over time, patriarchal relationships will be established in family life. At first, this looks quite adequate: the man is the breadwinner, earns money, and the wife takes care of the housework. Then the children appear. The wife's entire circle is imperceptibly eradicated: friends, colleagues, relatives, just friends. After the tyrant husband shows his true face, he can assure that he will improve, but if the wife behaves correctly, and after that she continues to occasionally show her attention, show care, and will begin to give gifts. The wife will think that her husband has come to his senses and corrected himself, but in reality this is not the case.
The main reasons that prevent a wife from changing her life are:
- low self-esteem;
– naivety that a husband can be remade;
– presence of small children;
– subconscious contentment with the role of the victim: there is no need to take responsibility for the family, make decisions, the woman enjoys scandals with subsequent reconciliation;
– financial dependence on husband;
– lack of work,
– memories of the initial good relationship and the conviction that the spouse will improve, becoming the same;
– lack of friends and relatives who could help;
– feeling of one’s own guilt for the fact that the spouse has become different;
– lack of self-confidence;
– fear of being alone and lack of understanding of what to do next.
If a woman sees a way out in continuing to live with a tyrant, then she has the following options for behavior:
The first is to submit in everything and submit to your husband.
The second is to win your position and be able to stand up for yourself.
The choice remains only for the woman.
You can make life easier with a tyrant, but only if you decide to fight back. To do this, you need to contact a psychologist, with whom you can analyze each specific situation, drawing up a specific action plan.
Psychologists advise not to take a subordinate position in the family, not to lower your head and not give in to slack. As soon as a woman shows weakness, the tyrant will go on the offensive, so you need to become a strong person and love yourself.
