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July 23, 2020 - One comment
My husband bullied me a lot, humiliated me and said nasty things. But I endured it - I didn’t know how to leave my tyrant husband, and there was nowhere else to go. Only to mom. But I felt “cramped” there: I wanted my own home, my own farm. And not a little girl, after all. She was returning.
Once again it pounds and shakes everything. I’m scared from powerlessness, I want to attack, prove, shut up, beat, but instead - weakness, tears and lack of understanding of where to run. I can’t even shout menacingly; my throat is constricted from injustice.
God, who can I find protection from, advice at this moment, at least inner conviction? At least something you can cling to, take cover and not get hurt.
Life was bad, I was afraid of him, afraid to return home from work. And at some point I thought: “Or maybe he is - that very same domestic tyrant?” Of course, I was surprised myself, because I thought that this couldn’t happen to me. I was afraid of slandering him. I was afraid to attribute a false sign. But I needed to know for sure whether my husband was a tyrant or not.
How to decide to leave your tyrant husband
Many women, under the influence of tyrants, cease to adequately perceive reality. They are so suppressed that they are ready to endure any inconvenience. In addition, sometimes this is mixed with advice from friends and relatives who say: “Everyone endures, and you must endure.” And if a woman also has a fear of loneliness, the chances of leaving the relationship decrease. Awareness of the problem is already half the success, but such spouses feel as if it will be even more difficult for them without a husband. So why leave if there is at least stability here?
Another question arises. How to decide to leave your husband? Is it even worth doing? To give the right answers, analyze what is happening. It is better to do this in the most calm and isolated place. It’s good if you have the opportunity to go to another city to visit your parents, for example. There you can temporarily free yourself from the influence of the tyrant and think things over. How comfortable are you with your husband? What did you get from this relationship? What have you lost? Be extremely honest with yourself: things don’t go well with tyrants.
It is advisable to write down the positive aspects in one column and the negative ones in another to compare
In the process of analyzing the situation, it turns out that the woman has lost her family, friends, job... This is due to the peculiarities of the behavior of tyrants. They may love their spouse, but only as a means to satisfy their needs and a source of attention. If a wife begins to pursue some of her own interests, conflicts arise. The tyrant tries to steal attention again and uses rude methods to do this. This is a kind of punishment and a means of maintaining power at the same time.
He is not interested in where and who you work for, what you do, or how you like to spend your vacation. That is, he does not need you - as a person, as a person with some characteristics, habits, hobbies. He needs you as a function, not as a whole person.
Mikhail Labkovsky
https://www.cosmo.ru/psychology/psychology/kak-izbezhat-toksichnyh-otnosheniy-rassuzhdaet-mihail-labkovskiy/
During prolonged communication with a tyrant, the victim not only loses everything of his own, but also ceases to adequately assess reality and loses communication skills. When a woman thinks about leaving her husband, fear of the future appears. Some people are stopped by thoughts of loneliness. The latter is observed in women in whom tyrants maintain complexes. This almost always happens, since such men try to keep the victim by any means, including by lowering self-esteem.
Tyrants love to convince their victims that they are ugly, unkempt, and have a bad character, and then these men take advantage of the fact that they love their women that way.
It is important to understand that it will not get better later. People don't change, they can only adapt to circumstances. There is no need to be afraid of loneliness: in the case of tyrants, this is better than physical and moral violence. Without a spouse, a woman may well be an integral person, have her own interests and develop creatively and professionally, but next to such a man, this is unlikely.
The longer a person is under pressure, the more difficult it is for him to adapt and find his place in life in the future. For this reason, it is better not to postpone the decision if you have already realized that there is a tyrant next to you.
The right steps to break up with a tyrant husband
- Find the best qualities that your husband himself knows about, and gradually begin a confidential conversation. Choose a moment - after eating, for example, when he is calm. And slowly start talking.
- The right thing to do is not to argue with your husband.
- You must let him put an end to the relationship. It must be his decision.
“You know, Vasechka, I thought and realized that you are right . And your mom was right . I shouldn’t have married you, you’re so correct, homely, honest (well, relative to your neighbor, honest?), you’ve never taken someone else’s penny .”
“You are an honest, correct person - you always tell the truth. You understand everything thoroughly, unlike others who do everything superficially.”
“How do you raise a child? I can’t do it right.”
Exaggerate a little. And in an amicable way, with an anal person you need to be amicable . And where he has scary features, downplay them a little (slightly). That is, you don’t need to tell your husband that he is a tyrant and is morally humiliating you - it won’t work. It would be correct to do something like this:
“Well, sometimes you, Vasenka, can be a little unrestrained with us, you can’t control yourself. And I... Forgive , Vasenka, you are right - I ruined your whole life. You have golden hands, and you are a golden husband . Unfortunately, I tried many times to change to become like your mommy (or like you want), but it doesn’t work. I don't deserve you ."
Did you notice? You adapt to its properties.
It is very important to feel exactly this “melody” and gradually conduct conversations in this vein - admitting your guilt and emphasizing its merits .
Leave the last word to him . Let the husband decide on divorce. Just be prepared that this will not happen right away. Admit he is right and your partial guilt.
“We are both to blame, but I am more to blame. I tried to change... but I’m sorry, Vasya, I ruined your life.”
Show your husband that you are both to blame , but you, of course, are more guilty. So, in an amicable way, sideways, sideways and towards the door.
Apologize a little to your husband. There is no need to invent anything, just think about its real positive qualities. How he treats the child, what a reliable and decent person he is.
How to get away from a tyrant
In theory it sounds quite simple: just pack your things and leave or not let your husband come home. In practice, women face difficulties. Let's consider the main aspects of the problem.
How to avoid a scandal
Since a tyrant can pose a threat to women and children, one should isolate oneself. Even if you live in your own home, it would be better to move temporarily. If your husband doesn't know where you are, it will be harder for him to control you through threats. Help from loved ones will not be superfluous. They can be nearby and support you. This will reduce the likelihood of returning to the tyrant or the onset of depression.
It is better to report a breakup by phone. This will eliminate the possibility of physical violence and reduce moral pressure from the spouse. You can tell your man about the divorce in person if you are in the company of friends, but it is still recommended to keep your distance. You must express yourself as briefly and clearly as possible. Under no circumstances should you indulge in accusations or excuses. Don't let your interlocutor manipulate: insist on your position, but do it calmly. What is the reason for divorce? For example, you might say that you don't see a future with this person, so you both need to continue on your separate paths.
After moving, you should distract yourself to get rid of gloomy thoughts: do cleaning or yoga, chat with loved ones, or do something that you enjoy
Once I happened to witness how a friend tried to break up with her husband. The two of us sat in a cafe and discussed this. A friend deliberately called me so that I could support her before the call. She cried, I calmed her down. Then she called. The conversation was very long. If the friend started quite decisively, then she later launched into explanations and began to make excuses. In the end, it all came down to a simple showdown. The friend burst into tears again, the husband began to swear and promise that he would certainly do everything to make her happy, then he asked for the address and came with a bouquet of flowers. From the outside, of course, it looked beautiful, but a week later my friend was hospitalized with a broken arm. During the next scandal, the husband began to push her from the balcony, pushed her out, then came to his senses and pulled her inside, but in the process he broke a bone. This case shows what good manipulators tyrants can be.
How to leave your husband with a child
In general, the situation remains virtually unchanged: you also need to choose a moment when your husband will not be at home, then pack your things and leave. It is better to explain to the child what is happening in a calm environment, when the danger has passed. Be as logical and consistent as possible, do not go into details. It is important to explain that the relationship has changed only between the parents, but they still love their children. At the age of 3–6 years, a child may unwittingly blame himself for the divorce. Try to pay more attention to him and do not ignore questions.
The question of whether it is worth allowing the father to see the child must be decided individually: in most cases, tyrants switch aggression to children, which is unacceptable
Your husband may threaten you with taking the child away. Sometimes this happens in a rude manner and with threats. It is advisable to record any facts that will give you an advantage in court. Depending on your husband’s behavior, your task is either to prove that the child will be better off with you, or to demonstrate that having children near their father is potentially dangerous. The latter is possible if the father, for example, resorts to assault or cruelly punishes the child.
If a man threatens you, you should not let your child go to kindergarten or school for a while. Remember that the father can legally remove the child from the institution. After a divorce, if the child remains to live with you, you can warn the teachers about the situation in the family. It is advisable to drop off and pick up children from school yourself.
How not to return to a tyrant
Many women end up, sooner or later, getting back into a relationship with the person they left. Some are gnawing at the feeling of guilt, some remember only good things, some become dependent on the tyrant. What to do to avoid falling into the trap again? To begin, immediately after leaving, write down why you broke up with this person. You can keep a journal or write it down in short notes. The entries will remind you of the emotions you felt during the breakup.
If you are drawn to a tyrant even after years, or your new husband also turns out to be a tyrant, be sure to consult a psychologist: a specialist will help you find out the reasons for this behavior and eliminate them
After a divorce, devote more time to yourself and your interests. This is how self-love manifests itself. Learn to enjoy visiting a beauty salon, relaxing in nature, even a regular morning jog or reading a book. Pick hobbies that you enjoy. Don't close yourself off: try to be around people to keep yourself on your toes. Most likely, you will have to relearn communication and trust. Perhaps at this stage you will need the help of a psychologist for proper adaptation. When you learn to love yourself, you simply will not want to return to a tyrant. Psychologically healthy people do not enter into uncomfortable relationships.
Is it possible to break this vicious circle? Certainly. More precisely, you may not get into it. And this method is very simple: as soon as you feel that you don’t like the way a man behaves, how he talks, how he treats you, you must realize this for yourself and admit: it’s true. It didn’t seem to you, this shouldn’t be attributed to his fatigue or some other external circumstances. And second: you need to tell him that you don’t like this behavior. Say it once. If this happens again, that’s it, the relationship must be severed immediately.
Mikhail Labkovsky
https://www.cosmo.ru/psychology/psychology/kak-izbezhat-toksichnyh-otnosheniy-rassuzhdaet-mihail-labkovskiy/
How to get rid of your tyrant ex-husband
As a rule, tyrants persecute victims solely because the latter continue to play the role of victims. In this case, they support provocations, succumb to manipulation, hurt their ex-husbands, cry, scream and get nervous. To stop the harassment, you need to stop behaving like a victim. Talk calmly, even if it is very difficult. Do not support topics that are unpleasant to you. Reduce your communication with the aggressor. As a last resort, threaten to file an application. Don't scream or cry, but say it firmly and confidently. Most likely, having received a rebuff, the tyrant will stop getting on your nerves. If the persecution continues, the threat will have to be carried out. This will certainly demonstrate the seriousness of your intentions. Sometimes the threat of blackmail helps: you probably have something to say to your ex-husband’s colleagues, bosses and friends.
If nothing stops the man, he will have to change his place of residence. In such cases, we are usually talking about people with serious mental disorders. They are capable of criminal offenses. They don’t care about possible punishment, but the lack of information and the inability to contact their ex-wife will help cut off ties.
From fear to love - one step
You sit and shake, thinking that there is a monster in the dark. And I turned on the light - you see: it’s just a shadow from my pants. A shadow that seems like it could cripple you, but that disappears from a ray of light.
Knowledge about the structure of the human psyche gives just such an effect. The internal state needs to be put in order. When you are shaking with fear, it is difficult to make decisions about your future, much less raise children. From the first lessons of Yuri Burlan’s free online training “System-vector psychology,” a feeling of security comes, eliminating fear:
“... First my personal realization came - I was a victim, and my husband was a tyrant. The next step was the absence of fear. It’s already good to feel brave, courageous, to open your mouth and stand up for a child without fear for yourself, without fear of getting rebuffed. Today is a turning point in my life, when there is a life before and after. In a calm tone, I expressed my intention to my husband: “I no longer intend to tolerate the subtle mental violence against children, which you resorted to in moments of anger, aggression and the desire to receive pleasure from submission, obedience, screaming”... ... I felt an unprecedented strength in myself and, I’m not ashamed to say, I’m also proud that I was able to speak out about the most pressing issues at the right moment and show that I will not tolerate the same behavior towards children from you or anyone else. And your choice is how you want to live, but don’t you dare offend children with words, meanings, and actions. I love you, life! What a blessing that a woman after SVP is able to express her disagreement to a man with anal frustrations and there is no need to fear for herself or for her children. And it only took a year of work on myself, and I can imagine how much work is still ahead...”
Olesya K., Irkutsk
“... Resentment towards my first sadistic husband - an anal frustrant, 5 years of marriage with whom turned out to be a serf prison for my daughter and me. After the training, all his shortcomings, motives and the mental component of his soul became clear to me. Raised without a father, nurtured by an entire monastery of women (grandmother, mother and aunt), deprived of his adequate development among his peers in kindergarten, he failed to undergo his first social adaptation, and therefore was unable to live among other people. Although in the eyes of the public he looked like a completely sane person: an excellent family man, a caring husband and a loving father, but at home he was a tyrant and despot, an alcoholic and a sadist, both verbal and physical. It’s good that I was smart enough to escape from him in time, saving my five-year-old daughter. After all, everything could end in tears..."
Svetlana S., Moscow
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Authors: Elena Yaseneva, Arina Semenova Proofreader Ekaterina Zhavoronkova
The article was written using materials from Yuri Burlan’s online training “System-vector psychology”
What not to do
Do not provoke the tyrant under any circumstances. For him, this is the most convenient development of events. Do not post statuses dedicated to him on social networks. Don't post photos of them together. Don't try to provoke your ex-husband to jealousy. This is a way to create a problem out of nowhere. Your husband will understand that you are still thinking about him. As a result, he will not only pursue you, but will also try to temporarily become the best man in the world. The magic will disappear when the tyrant receives a final refusal or drags you back into the relationship.
Never apologize to a tyrant, otherwise he will think that you owe him
How to prevent tyranny?
Of course, the best way to prevent tyranny is to build a relationship correctly and carefully when choosing a life partner from the very beginning.
If you notice the first signs of tyranny after marriage, adhere to the following rules:
- Stop any attempts to control, pressure, humiliate, or insult.
- Don't quit your job and continue earning your living.
- Don't be afraid to lose your man.
- Don't hold on to pleasant memories.
Remember, any positive changes in relations with a tyrant have only a temporary effect. The tyrant will never be able to be re-educated and there will never be a happy relationship. So, is it worth turning your home into a real battlefield for this, sacrificing your happiness and the happiness of your children?
Useful articles:
- Happy family - recipes for a happy family
- How to find your soulmate - advice from professionals
What to do if he doesn't want a divorce
In most cases, a tyrant man will be against divorce, if only because the initiative came from you. In essence, you are leaving him - he cannot allow this. He definitely needs to arrange everything so that he has the last word. Then let him feel like he is the master of the situation - the path thinks that it was he who broke up with you, and not you with him. When he feels “on horseback”, then he will let you go.
Another option is to file an official divorce and move to another city. It will be difficult for a man to pursue you if you radically change your life. If your husband used physical violence against you, then you can threaten him with criminal liability (or actually write a statement to the police).
Psychologists strongly recommend not to stay with a tyrant husband. Find the strength to leave, otherwise your life will turn into a humiliating existence.
Behavioral tactics during divorce proceedings
If the spouse has given his consent to the divorce, then you should prepare for the fact that he will not help in the future, either financially or physically. It often happens that tyrants continue to put pressure and intimidate their “still spouse” with threats of physical violence.
Even having recorded his threats on a tape recorder, it is almost impossible to get his arrest or other influence on him from the police. It makes sense to simply change your phone number for a while and move to another city or to a rented apartment.
In a word, you need to isolate yourself from his intrusive presence. Time heals and soothes. Having waited for the divorce, meeting in court will no longer be so scary; a woman who has escaped domestic violence is able to strengthen herself morally and become a real fighter who knows what she wants and what she deserves.
As for the child, especially children under 14 years of age, who by law do not have the right to choose which parent to live with, the court gives preference in favor of the mother. Therefore, he is unlikely to be able to legally take the child, but by stealing him, the tyrant himself risks going to jail.
